Conversion

I have often considered the examples of Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon as some of the most human, and relatable characters in the book. As a kid I thought about them just like everybody else did... they were dumb, they were argumentative, they were violent, they were disobedient, they lacked faith, they were wicked, whatever adjective suits your fancy. But I had a lesson one time, that finally changed my perspective. Someone stopped to describe them in a different light. One of the biggest problems listed against Laman and Lemuel is that they murmur constantly, right? But let's be honest, how many of us wouldn't murmur about some of the trials they faced were we in their shoes? How many of us haven't murmured when being faced with our own trials. Even when we have been flocked with amazing blessings on the left and on the right, we often seem to concentrate most on what is hard. So, can any of us really fault them for murmuring? How many of us have never rebelled? 

And then you think... but they saw an ANGEL! And still were not able to believe? I think that's wrong. I think they knew, without a doubt. They had absolute certainty there was a God. There was not a single doubt in their mind to that effect. Someone related it once to the parable of the ten virgins. If the lamp is a testimony, and the oil is conversion... Well, someone can give you a lamp. We can rely on the testimonies of our parents or our friends. We can see angels, and mighty miracles. We can know of a certainty that there is a God, that His gospel contains the most truths we can find on this earth. But there is a difference between knowing God exists, knowing His gospel is true, and being converted. And nobody can give you conversion. And what use is the testimony without that conversion?  It is the oil that gives the lamp it's intended function. Not having that oil certainly does not mean that our lives cannot have purpose. It only means that they cannot have the purpose God intended.

What is conversion then? Google tells us that it means to "cause to change in form, character, or function." So, the issue then, is not that Laman and Lemuel did not have a testimony. The issue is that they did not allow that testimony to change them, to affect their purpose in life, to affect their character. Reminds me of the original witnesses of the Book of Mormon. Many of them fell away from the church, but were quoted saying they could never deny the Book of Mormon. Why could they not deny it, if they knew it existed, knew it contained truth? Because they were unable to let that knowledge change and direct their identity and purpose.

This is something I relate to wholeheartedly. I decided years ago that I knew the gospel was true. I felt that even if I left the church, I would never be able to deny that I knew the gospel was true. And I had to acknowledge that it would be mighty dumb of me to leave if I knew it was true, despite whatever doubts I may have. But whether or not I have experienced true conversion feels like a pickle of a question. The definition helps in this respect, because without it, conversion feels a bit abstract, at least to me! But with the definition, it provides a few questions. Have I allowed my testimony to change me? my character? my function? I would probably say yes to some, but not necessarily all of those questions. And even to those I said yes to... have I done it to my full potential, or even half of it? Probably not. And, have I made those changes out of my own genuine, intrinsic motivation to follow, grow closer to, and become more like God? Or have I merely acted through the motions out of a sense of duty or guilt? I suppose the important distinction there is whether you have allowed the gospel to AFFECT you, your character, your function... or have you allowed it to truly CHANGE you. I would argue that there is a difference.

I think this guy is a fabulous example. In going through the Addiction Recovery Program, he had allowed its principles to affect his life for good. But he realized that he had yet to ask for conversion, for a change in his character. And gosh, I think that takes amazing faith, to feel prepared to be changed, to feel God can change you. I often think it's all on me, I have to make all the changes. And it's hard to conceive that help can be given for that.

These days when I attend the Addiction Recovery Meetings, it has been hard for me to know where my focus is. In some respects I feel like I'm stuck at step 3. And in other respects I feel like I'm stuck at step 4. But then part of me feels like I've done at least most of step 5. But I can't have completed step 5 if I haven't finished step 4. It's a tad confusing. But last night I went through the first 6 steps and watched the videos attached to each step. And while several of them (especially Step 4) struck a chord, what I felt most prompted to act on, was step 6 (the video above). Having a testimony can't be enough. I've always known it wasn't enough. A testimony is what I could do and learn on my own... and now it's about what I can't do on my own.