One of the most unfortunate things about waking up with your toddler in the middle of the night? When you're awake just long enough that your brain turns back on and you have trouble turning it back off. Well, I process things best when being able to talk about them, but when the opportunity isn't ripe for such a thing (such as everyone being asleep or the setting for a vulnerable conversation isn't quite right)... my go to second option is writing, so here I am. Though I'm not necessarily going to broach what's on my mind right now, this is what struck me to write about for now.
I think one of the worst questions I have ever asked myself was who my audience was when writing journal entries. It was early in middle school when I first started writing in a journal that I decided that my audience was likely my future children or grandchildren. Which to some extent is helpful I think because it gave me some purpose for journal writing, or atleast I thought it did. I felt like it gave me a sense of purpose in the sense that perhaps I could help someone even after I died on the off chance that my progenitors had similar life experiences and could learn or find comfort in the ups and downs of my experiences.
However, what I have found is that it sometimes makes it very difficult for me to journal. I find myself feeling self conscious, not wanting to share things that I find very personal, not sure if I want them recorded in history, not sure if I want someone seeing how utterly dumb and anxiety-ridden my thoughts can be. Which I know is somewhat dumb since I acknowledge that to some extent sharing those things might be the very reason someone might connect with me through reading my journal and potentially find comfort in it. But I tend to think of people's experiences being more akin to my husband's reactions when he reads the whiney thoughts of characters in fiction novels. Annoyed disrespect and impatience. Good thing he loves me and can put up with my anxiety-ridden thoughts when I end up sharing them ;)
Which is why I started my "burn journal" as I like to call it. It's a separate journal for writing all my thoughts and feelings when I need help processing. I write in it with no audience in mind except God on occasion, or myself. And it's not a book meant to last like my usual leather bound journals so I can burn it one day if I so choose ;) The problem becomes that sometimes I need those journaling moments most during the day and my kids seem to hate when I attempt to read or write. My daughter even comes over and starts shutting the journal on me saying "all done!" Some days I have to insist because getting the feelings out can make it easier for me to be a better, more patient mommy, which is better for everyone ;) But it can be easy to forget to take that needed time for myself even when it would be better for everyone involved if I did so.
I heard someone say recently that they believed people who struggle with addiction sometimes have a somewhat addictive personality. In that they are more likely to engage in several addictive behaviors even outside of their identified addiction. And boy did that strike me! I can't nor will I be able to explain in this forum but suffice it to say.. I think sometimes I behave that way when it comes to my interactions with people. I feel somewhat stuck in some sense as to how I tend to communicate with people. It's a formula that doesn't always work very well and can be awkward at times. But I seem to experience a sense of need for it.. and it's hard for me to accept an alternative. Sometimes writing is the best poopy alternative I can find. Anyway, like I said, I really can't explain it here.. that is just one of the reasons why that statement struck me!
Anyway.. here's hoping I can get back to sleep now!
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