Love is Independent from Perfection

I mentioned to someone a while back that I had.. some strained relationships with my family growing up. And they asked, specifically regarding my mother, whether I felt the relationship had healed or not. I said yes, but that I think age was a big help for that. I really just have problems with authority figures and when I became an adult she made it clear that I was in charge of myself which I really appreciated and it took my issue with authority figures out of the equation. Made me feel more like we were.. peers finally, or something. Even when I've known that she didn't necessarily agree with something I was doing or thinking, we could agree to disagree and still walk away respecting eachother and loving eachother. And that's important to me. 

I suppose it's an interesting question to me. For the most part I guess I don't really even feel like it needed healing. I mean, yes, I should have been a more respectful and obedient child, and I still have way too much pride.. and it would have been nice if we had all gotten along all the time and such.. but I guess that's just not how I think about it when I look back on the history of things. When I look back on my life with my family as a kid... sure, I can acknowledge it could have been better. Pretty sure most people think that about life in general. But I've always been willing to accept that it was what it was even as a kid. I didn't have any expectations of it being different. It was my normal, it was just.. what it was. 

And while maybe my relationship with my mother or my father or my siblings wasn't the same as what other people experience... I always knew they loved me. And I always knew I loved them even when I was mad at them. I knew I loved my older siblings even though I felt like I had no explicable reason to do so since it's something like a 15-20 year age gap (depending on the sibling) and I barely knew them as a kid. I could count the number of times I remembered meeting them. But I loved them because they were family. And I couldn't explain it to myself even, but it was true. I knew my mother loved me, no matter how often we argued, no matter what was going on.. I knew she loved me. 

Now, granted, lets be honest, I was a stubborn little bugger, especially as a teenager, and certainly my mother and I had plenty of arguments. And I look back on that now and think my mother is a saint for putting up with me as well as she did! But that's one of those healing things that comes with the perspective that a daughter gets with age and motherhood ;)

Anyway, my primary point in all this.. I had a friend once that was feeling guilty about a particular bonding activity she couldn't give her child due to some health concerns of hers. And I told her, to screw social stigma on the matter. That child was designed for her and her family, and it was designed to survive and grow from whatever failings she may have, so not to worry about it. Her kid would not be ruined from this one failing. I think that may be the best and most memorable advice (for me, anyway) that I've ever given. 

My family, my mother... they're human. They had their own failings and struggles and heartbreaks. And I knew it as a kid too. I'm told I was very empathic for a child. And through it all, life goes on, and you have to endure. Who can blame people for not being able to keep up with all expectations when they're going through a hard time? And while maybe things weren't picture perfect, I always had what I needed, and that's the knowledge that my family loved me. Come to think of it.. I think that may be something I would count among my spiritual talents.. the knowledge that my family loves me, regardless of whatever evidence is/was on the table, or lack thereof. I was designed, prepared by God, to be able to survive and grow from the environment I was placed in.. and I would never want a different family, no matter how many trials you might tell me would have been removed from such a change. 

I suppose the thought was on my mind because I have worried most of my life that I wouldn't be a good enough mother.. that my own weaknesses and failings would limit my relationship with my children or would make them susceptible to similar trials and pitfalls that I faced. But I don't even think about my own mother that way. It didn't matter that she wasn't perfect. I knew she loved me and that's all that mattered. And I guess it gives me some hope that my children might feel the same about me despite my personal failings. 

Being perfect does not equate with love.. doing everything right doesn't equate with love.. Love is independent of all that and we don't have to feel like we're failing at loving our children because we're not perfect.. Just like God's love for us is independent from our ability to be perfect. 

Reluctant Vulnerability

Swimming in memories I can't seem to forget
And telling the words only brings me regret
When talking it out is the only peace I can find
But the burden it causes puts me in a bind

My thoughts are all muddled, I can't seem to repose
Instead I feel shame for the weight I impose.
My heart aches for peace and sometimes I have it
But then time passes and I fear I've wreaked havoc
In my life or others, I'm not sure which one's worse
But the anxiety it causes feels like a curse

My purpose in life is to love others, I know
To testify of the gospel, help others to grow
So why do I feel like the one always in need
When I know there are others with more reason to plead

Why can't I let go of the shame I have raised
So confident others will be just as fazed
By my faults, my temptations, my most awkward days
Even though I have proof that there are friends who stay

Who hold no resentment for every weak moment
Because they believe they see me as chosen
For some task God has outlined to which I am suited
Which I believe too but the future seems muted
By all that's around me, the fear I must face
And all that's behind me that I can't erase.

But I'm grateful for hope now when before I had none
For light in the tunnel when before I was done
I forgot how to be vulnerable which cost me my joy
So now I am searching for my walls to destroy
To get close to others and let them all in
So God can be with me instead of my sins.

The Invisible Mold

I was watching an episode of West Wing a while back that I think sets the stage well for the concept that is on my mind today. One of the characters is presented with an argument from a small town in Alabama who wants to make the only rule of law be the Ten Commandments. Throughout the episode the character points out the primary flaw to this idea. That being that that there are several commandments that cannot be enforced because they are of an inward nature rather than outward. "Thou shalt not steal" involves an outward action that the government can respond to, but "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" is an inward sin and does not necessarily involve an outward action that can be identified by law enforcement similar to that of "honor thy mother and thy father." This is why the Ten Commandments are for God to judge and not for man.

It's a lot like our pasts. For some, like those with scars or tattoos, there may be something to their outward physical appearance that may tell you something about the life they have lived, the struggles they have faced, or their sins. For others, because there are no outward physical signs, their past may be less easily observed by others. But that does not make someone with an outwardly visible history any less or any more than someone with an invisible past. Which is why it is God's job to judge, and not man's. Though clearly we need laws that can be enforced by man.. I would argue that it is possible for someone sitting in prison to have committed the same amount of sin or mistakes as someone sitting at home, deemed by man to be an upstanding citizen.

And, I think both parties can feel similar perspectives depending on their personality. Perhaps some with outward signs would prefer that they were not so easily observable to others so that they could not be judged for decisions made long ago. And perhaps some people prefer their pasts to be seen. And perhaps those with invisible pasts or sins would prefer there was something observable about their trials so they could more easily ask for help and seek understanding.. and there are certainly those who are glad that they can hide. Depends on where we are in life.

For the most part I qualify in that "invisible" category for which I have been both glad and frustrated. Glad because I fear being labeled. Frustrated because I feel a lack of understanding or empathy sometimes I wish I could have from others. Which I suppose is silly since as I just inferred above, I have already said that either way, God is the only one truly able to provide us with that perfect empathy and understanding. For the most part I have been feeling lately that I need to do a better job of not letting the past interfere with the present which is difficult... We all get that. The past is part of what shapes who we are, but of course, we and the Lord get some say in how we let it mold us. And in some ways the past is still affecting me in real and present ways that I have to deal with and can't ignore. I suppose in some ways I think I just haven't finished that molding process yet so I'm just not quite ready to let it go. And sometimes I worry if I'll ever be able to let some things go.. But regardless of other factors, I also think I need to worry less about getting the acceptance of people (sometimes myself included) which is sometimes a concern, and just be grateful for the Lord's acceptance of me.

However.. I must say that from time to time I think that the Lord sends us people for very specific reasons (and some people, for less specific reasons)... A few years ago, I was just beginning a very specific struggle and felt very very trapped by stigma. I was at work one afternoon and the prompting hit me to talk about it with this one girl. I had to stop and consider it for a moment because I was the manager. It seemed like an inappropriate conversation to have with someone I was in a position of authority over, and we certainly didn't have the level of friendship I would generally require prior to having that particular conversation, and of course there was something weird about it taking place at work period. But I felt oddly at peace about it and the prompting persisted. And so I went ahead and brought it up. As I recall, the conversation flowed amazingly smooth.. and she hardly skipped a beat. I made a sarcastic comment afterwards about how it was a weird thing to know about your boss, and I will always remember her response. "If anything, it makes you seem more human." I will always remember that, and I think I needed that answer in my life. I need to remember it more often. I needed to hear such a simple and undeniable, clearly unfeignable and genuine response that said "I can accept you as you are" regardless of whatever expectations she might have had for who I was. I need to have faith that that kind of response is plausible. We all have trials, and they are unique to each of us.. and perhaps some of them have more stigma around them than others, but at the end of the day, they all just make us human.

And nobody can judge, whether the trials of others are outward or inward because regardless, it will always be impossible to know people as well and as deeply as God understands us. I have certainly come to the conclusion by now that He understands me and my choices and struggles a heck of a lot better than I do. And I certainly know He has a better understanding of the mold he wishes to see me fill.

Stigma sucks. I wish we could tear it down. I wish we could trust people to accept us--the full, 3D, live and in color us, not just the filtered, abbreviated us. I wish I could better trust people to accept me.

But, even for people whose lives may have a more obvious, physical outward history to them... there will always be that invisible factor to people that we can't see. The outward things we can see are only a hint to what they have experienced. They say nothing of who they have become because of those things.

Anxiety Diffusion, The Happiness Trap, and Trusting in God

I started a blog about balance but to borrow a phrase from a friend, it was coming out as complete and utter "word salad." There's always been this idea out there... that people say we need balance in our lives. Not too much work, not too much play etc. And I've never really thought of it much beyond that. The realization that I came to was that it's not just the overt activities in our lives that need balance, but it's also the inner workings of our minds. Not too much happy, or we won't appreciate it, not too much sad or we might not endure it, etc. Not too much focus on pleasing others, not too much focus on pleasing ourselves.. Not too much worry about being perfect, and not too much complacency in where we are. Not too much pride, not too much self-deprecation. Let's not argue about semantics... let's just acknowledge that it's complicated and I can't fully explain ;)

It reminds me of a book I've been reading actually, called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I won't go trying to find exact quotes right now... but he talks about the idea that we seem to think that we need to be happy. He talks about the myth that we all seem to think that we need to be happy all the time, and if we're not, there's something wrong with us. When in truth, nobody is happy all the time, and the other emotions have just as much a valid and rightful place in our lives. We need those emotions to be balanced. Granted, we don't have to dwell on them, but you can't ignore them or wish them away either. The much faster way to dealing with it is to acknowledge what you're experiencing and then move on. But that acknowledgement has to come first. I love his chapters on anxiety. Trust me when I say that there's a fair amount of time that I have walked around repeating phrases in my head like "I'm having the thought that I'm feeling anxious" or "I'm having the thought that I said something dumb" or "I'm having the thought that that person doesn't really care about me" or "I'm having the thought that I'm not worth very much" etc etc. And as dumb as it sounds... just repeating the phrase in my head helps me acknowledge it, accept it, and move on instead of having the feeling on constant replay all day long. And instead of believing them as hard written facts. There's a fantastic analogy he makes that my therapist brought up with me once. The idea is that our "thinking self" is like a radio constantly playing in the background going on and on about all the negative Nancy things we could possibly think about our past, present, future. Occasionally something cheerful of course, but less often than we'd like. So, if we're totally tuned in to this radio, believing everything it says, we're basically guaranteed misery. And, to top it all off, this radio doesn't have an off button! And if we try to turn it off, it seems to get louder and louder (the same way ignoring our problems often seems to magnify them) You understanding the analogy?  (it's found on pages 65-67 of his book if you're curious for all the deets, it's really quite good). Anyway, he continues on to say, that the alternative is similar to when you're listening to the TV, or listening to music, but if someone were to ask you what was just said, you'd have no clue because you weren't really listening. Diffusion (the "I'm having the thought that I am..." statements I gave examples of earlier) is just that. You're acknowledging the thought, and then letting it go, and getting back to what you were doing. Letting the thoughts come and go works so much more effectively than purposefully trying to block them out and letting them bother you. Let me testify to that! Anyway, this seems to have been a bit of a tangent, but, that's okay, I hope you'll see the connection by the end and everything will make sense.

I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, and I won't try to cover them all, but bear with me for a moment while I go on one more tangent. Someone recently talked to me about the idea that people who have struggled with addictions, often find that they can tend to follow a similar trend in other areas of their lives as well. Addictive behavior as a pattern in their lives so to speak. And it stood out to me as something I needed to consider. It reminds me a lot of that radio analogy. The idea being that a lot of people who struggle with addictions have some kind of pain or issue in their life that they're avoiding, or simply don't know how to deal with, and there's a whole dang lot of stigma attached to what they're experiencing. And that struggle, and that stigma make you really really want to turn that stupid radio off! Like you become addicted to trying to turn it off. That becomes the habit. But doing that just makes it worse.

And in thinking about it, I managed to acknowledge something on Monday that relates to my ability to develop relationships and engage in healthy conversation... and just general anxiety about whether or not other people actually have a desire to reciprocate in relationships with me (which is probably why I would pinpoint words of affirmation as one of my love languages that I don't often admit to, even to myself, but, it definitely helps to ease my anxieties. Probably one of the best things someone has said to me in the last few months was long the lines of "Don't worry, I still want to be your friend" not that that has stopped me from having plenty of anxiety about it since then. But in that moment, it was fantastically comforting and felt like an act of love)... Anyway, I decided to turn my phone off for most of the day on Monday so I could distance myself from part of the problem and just live in the moment with my kids for the day. It took several hours, but eventually I was able to feel distanced from it enough to stop feeling so anxious, and I was able to enjoy at least part of the day with my family.

And I can't begin to express how helpful that has been since then. It's helped me identify a few areas in which I need to be better about frequently using those diffusion phrases in i.e. "I'm having the thought that...." (again, the idea being that by phrasing it that way, you are acknowledging that it is JUST a thought, instead of accepting the thought as fact, therefore distancing yourself from it and allowing it to dissipate naturally). And that diffusion from that particular anxiety has continued. That doesn't mean I don't still think unhelpful thoughts about negative things... but it hasn't been controlling my actions, or my thoughts so much, because I've been able to let them go. And THAT my friends feels so much more like "old Emily." One of the things that I told my therapist early on was that part of what I hated about the anxiety was that it made me feel not like me. I've spent most of my life being proud of the fact that I could hardly care less what other people thought of me, and I didn't waste time on fake personas to appease certain crowds of people... I was just me, all the time. And I loved that about me. And so, to worry that people don't want to know me or spend time with me, or won't want to spend time with me if they know more about me... really irks me, and makes it really hard not to dislike myself, making it even harder to believe that someone else might like me.

Anyway... because of this diffusion that I have experienced for the week... I've been able to see how much fear has stopped me from being a better friend to people these last few years. How much my self-seeking for understanding has forced me to focus on my past and the negatives of my life way too much. One of the initial reasons that came up from my therapist as why the church's Addiction Recovery Program might help me.. was because I needed help in forging my own identity separate from how I believed that others perceived me. I saw a meme the other day that said something along the lines of "The first thought that comes in to your head is what society has taught you. The second thought is the one that defines who you are" And in some things, it has been hard to see myself beyond what society has taught me. And my inability to submit to God's will, and trust in him, has been making that part of the recovery process difficult. But because of someone else's inspiration for me in the last few weeks, I have been forced to consider the benefits for others in addition to myself, in submitting to the will of Heavenly Father. And, as always, how I can benefit others has always been a bit more motivating to me than my own personal benefits. But it has been helpful to see the two in conjoint... with a small window to what God sees in me, and not just society or myself.. and the responsibility I have to live up to God's will for me as best I can.

So, there's where the balance part came in. I needed (and still need) to improve my inner balance. The algorithm for allocating the appropriate ratios of time into each of the things that come into my mind during the day. And... one of the thoughts that came to me during General Conference was that [part] of the cure for anxiety is trusting in the Lord. Because yeah.. some things are still going to be scary, or make me sad, or disappoint, but regardless of whatever consequences may come because of my actions, I have to be willing to be me, and engage fully, and do whatever the Lord asks of me, because if I'm trusting in Him, then I have to acknowledge that the final result will be worth whatever sacrifice of comfort was required of me. And, for that, I am grateful. And I hope I'm able to start doing a better job of implementing that. Forgive me while I stumble through it ;)