Reluctant Vulnerability

Swimming in memories I can't seem to forget
And telling the words only brings me regret
When talking it out is the only peace I can find
But the burden it causes puts me in a bind

My thoughts are all muddled, I can't seem to repose
Instead I feel shame for the weight I impose.
My heart aches for peace and sometimes I have it
But then time passes and I fear I've wreaked havoc
In my life or others, I'm not sure which one's worse
But the anxiety it causes feels like a curse

My purpose in life is to love others, I know
To testify of the gospel, help others to grow
So why do I feel like the one always in need
When I know there are others with more reason to plead

Why can't I let go of the shame I have raised
So confident others will be just as fazed
By my faults, my temptations, my most awkward days
Even though I have proof that there are friends who stay

Who hold no resentment for every weak moment
Because they believe they see me as chosen
For some task God has outlined to which I am suited
Which I believe too but the future seems muted
By all that's around me, the fear I must face
And all that's behind me that I can't erase.

But I'm grateful for hope now when before I had none
For light in the tunnel when before I was done
I forgot how to be vulnerable which cost me my joy
So now I am searching for my walls to destroy
To get close to others and let them all in
So God can be with me instead of my sins.