A subtle shift

We need to add a new phrase to our vocabulary. We are all familiar with the term "guilt trip." When I was regularly seeing a therapist last year, we talked regularly on the difference between "guilt" and "shame." The main differences she listed were that guilt is righteous chastisement given by God to drive us to change and self-correction. Whereas shame does not drive us to change. Shame is a tool that drives us to hide but not to change. Obviously guilt and shame often find us at the same time, but I do think it's important to remember that they are not the same, come from different sources, and take us in entirely different directions.

I found myself over-thinking last night, one of the things that happens when my anxiety is on the rise as it has been. And the first words that came to mind were that I was guilt-tripping myself. But I did at least stop to wonder if guilt was the right word. Even the phrase "guilt-tripping myself" sounds like a tool of shame. Like a mental weapon of self-harm instead of a physical one. A way to wallow rather than to rise above.

So as awkward as it sounds, can I propose the concept of "shame-tripping" to mirror the idea of "guilt-tripping" ? It's probably superfluous, but I still appreciate the subtle shift in attitude that comes from being able to properly identify what I am experiencing. Is this train of thought going to help me or deter me? Sometimes just acknowledging that this is just a story my mind tends to tell helps me detach from the shame instead of feeling culpable. Sometimes it helps me step back just enough to consider how I can change the narrative to make it a productive one. Obviously this is sometimes harder than it sounds. Once I identify that I'm only feeding the narrative of shame, I tend to experience a circular and nonsensical chain of shame of feeling shame. What a "trip" eh?

Anyway, food for thought.

I Am Not An Addict

So while I’ve written so many times about the Addiction Recovery Program and all the good I think it does in my life, and how much good I think it has the potential to do in the lives of others, I wanted to discuss the one thing I don’t agree with. 

What’s the stereotypical moment everyone can picture about any Addiction Recovery meeting just from watching TV?

“Hi, my name is Jane and I’m an addict”

“Hi, Jane”

This is why the first ten seconds of my turn in the sharing portion of the meeting are always my least favorite. It’s one of the reasons I often don’t want to go even when rationally I can tell myself that if I go I’ll enjoy the meeting. I do not include “and I’m an addict” in my intro. Not that everyone does anyway, but regardless... For more than one reason, I do not, nor have I ever considered myself an addict. And while I won’t make a rigid sweeping statement regarding the future... I do not intend to ever identify myself as such. It’s a moment in the meeting that makes me feel out of place. I mean, if I had to pick one thing to identify as my “addiction” in life, it would be struggling to stick to a budget. I don’t even like shopping that much and yet retail therapy still gives me a release that I crave and guilt trip over afterwards. But is that the reason I go to ARP? No, it’s not.

Among other reasons, I believe in Labelling Theory. And I won’t give myself a label that pretends to define and limit what I am and who I can be. I think that very concept is an affront to the principle of the atonement. Now for those of you who are raising their hands saying woah now... I will clarify that I understand how other people can accept the term “addict” without feeling like it offends the atonement. I’m fully aware it’s just the perspective I’m coming at it from. 

I do think it is amazingly powerful to speak the words out loud “I have a problem” and “I need help.” And even for those who are no longer tempted by the thing that brought them to the meetings, I appreciate being able to say “this is a problem I have had, and I have grown and changed because of it.” And even, “I had a problem, I’ve moved past it, but I am still dealing with the negative after-effects.” 

I guess to me I just think the term “addict” isn’t a necessary distinction that needs to be made unless you want to call us all addicts. Addicts to our “natural man” however uniquely that may present in each of us. Each of us has something we struggle with, something that drags us down, or something that drags others down. We are all imperfect, and each of us has something that if we were to let go of, our lives would be improved. And the ARP meetings are about being in a safe place where everyone can admit that without feeling judged because you feel you are among like peers. But in reality, we ought to be able to feel that way all the time, because none of us are perfect.

That’s life.

Support in Recovery

So I had a flaky moment last week. I felt prompted to go to an Addiction Recovery Meeting and thought I’d try the new one that was started in our area a few months ago that is strictly for women. Well I got there and panicked and left. Oops. So on my way home, still feeling like I was supposed to go, I decided to stop by the meeting in Moscow going on at the same time. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me, but that particular meeting on that day and time is not actually an ARP meeting. Instead, it’s a support meeting for spouses and loved ones of those who struggle with addiction. And I gotta say it was awkward initially. I felt like an intruder listening to secrets that weren’t intended for “my kind.” A wolf amongst the sheep. There was a part of me that wanted to just sit there quietly and pass when it came to sharing time and let them make what assumptions they pleased. But I didn’t really feel comfortable with that either. Part of me was worried if I admitted I was not a spouse, but instead someone who actually attended the Addiction Recovery meeting that they would hate me, for being the same kind of person causing them sadness and grief. 

A bit melodramatic I know, but sometimes the inner voice is a bit melodramatic. I did introduce myself, and while I didn’t say much I did thank them for letting me crash the party. And while I didn’t think I’d be sharing about this, I decided I wanted to do a small spotlight on the group. Hopefully I do it justice.

For one, this group can help such a wider audience than just those who are the loved ones of those suffering addiction. It can help people who have been hurt by a wide variety of issues and people and the manual is great even for couples who have a hard time communicating even if there are no huge underlying issues. One person there brought up that they have found the group useful for them as a victim of abuse as a child and while I hadn’t put it into words just yet I thoroughly agreed with them. 

I totally ran away from the group with a copy of their manual which is different than the ARP meeting’s manual. And while I haven’t finished reading it yet, it’s very focused on personal emotional and spiritual recovery, forgiveness, and honest communication and rebuilding trust. I don’t know why it had never even occurred to me that the spouse group would have a manual.. but it’s a great manual. And who couldn’t benefit from learning about those things? I totally recommend checking out the manual for a good read for personal growth and healing. 

For myself, it was enlightening to experience a window into the thoughts of  “the other side.” But beyond that—Due to my abuse as a kid and subsequent experiences with men through my teenage and adult years, I have a really really hard time being vulnerable and discussing deeply personal things with men, more specifically, my husband. It is way easier to be vulnerable with women. So sitting through a meeting where the subject matter was about how to build your willingness to be vulnerable with someone with whom that feels scary with... hit home very well. I love my husband and perhaps I don’t always communicate that well enough or in the most effective ways and I know I can improve in that area. I want to improve in that area. I also know I’m not alone in that respect. So check out the manual. And if you feel like you need the emotional support of being with like hearted people who have felt hurt or betrayed by someone they love or who are struggling watching their loved one go through the struggle of addiction or compulsive actions.. if you need support while you yourself heal and find relief from despair, I recommend the group.

Click here for the Spouse and Family Support Guide