Rape Aggression Defense

The week before I got on the plane to leave for my first semester at college my father approached me. Now my father, especially growing up, was generally a man of few words. And so, when he spoke, you listened. He told me that he felt prompted to tell me that he was concerned I would be attacked while I was at college and that I needed to learn to defend myself. Yeah, that caught me a little off guard, and it gave me a little anxiety. 

So I started perusing the school’s website and found there was an extracurricular activity called R.A.D. (Rape Aggression Defense). I assured my father I could take the course, and everyone felt better, I guess. I took the class my first semester. It was inexpensive and lasted something like 6 weeks? I don’t remember exactly. But I absolutely loved the class and I absolutely loved the teachers. 

One of the teachers was a male police officer, and one of them was a woman. And at the end of the course we were given a signed booklet that allowed us to retake the course as many times as we want, anywhere in the country where there was a certified R.A.D. course…for free, no matter the cost!

I think I retook the course about 10 times while I was at college. And eventually I took another course they offered that taught some different skills. 

I was never attacked while I was at college, but I still appreciate those words my father said to me. Because otherwise I wouldn’t have sought the class. And that class made me feel alive in a lot of ways. I felt prepared, and invigorated. And I met so many great girls, and I absolutely loved being able to watch the faces of other girls go from meek and timid, to being able to confidently kick and hit that male police officer (while he was in padded gear) at the end of the class. And I was able to encourage more than one friend to take the class.

There was a time when I was pretty certain that one day I would like to become trained to be a certified R.A.D. Instructor. And who knows, maybe one day that can still happen. But that class is also what eventually led me to the decision to major in Social Work too. 

There’s still a part of me that wonders if there is still a future threat waiting out there, that would make me need to use those skills. And that makes me wary of dark streets and parking lots and being home alone sometimes. But that just means that I remain vigilant, always aware of my surroundings, and alert. And that’s a good life practice anyway these days. 

I don’t know exactly why I’m sharing this tonight, except just to say… sometimes promptings take us to places we didn’t expect. And sometimes the timing isn’t what we expect. And sometimes the results aren’t what we expect. And that’s okay.

And, if you feel so inclined, here’s your Emily endorsed invitation to “find a class near you!” 😉

http://www.rad-systems.com/program_locator_student.html

Naked Bodies

Alright, for a moment, let’s get awkward and talk about sex. I mean, I’m not going to go into as much detail as I might during an in person conversation with somebody one-on-one… but let’s be real and acknowledge the subject exists and deserves some education. 

I was recently an observer to an unfortunate uncomfortable moment. A woman in my church presented a resource that she had found that had helped her and her husband better understand her body in intimacy. While unsaid, it was clear that she and her husband had struggled to some degree in understanding her body. She provided a few disclaimers regarding the resource so that anyone who might have felt interested would be prepared for what they might find. Someone responded that the topic might be better served in face to face conversations rather than in a digital group forum, and gently cautioned that we should be careful in what resources we use to educate ourselves on this topic. 

While I agree with this response, it was greeted by an obvious discomfort. The original poster had willingly made herself vulnerable, and was hoping to help others who might have shared her struggle, and was putting herself in a vulnerable position to do so. And perhaps she was hoping for a thankful response, or even an equally vulnerable response to help her feel validated and less alone. She apologized. That was something I couldn’t just observe. I let her know she had no need to apologize, and that I was grateful she felt safe to be vulnerable with the group. That is the environment that Relief Society is meant to be, in my opinion. I reached out to her privately to further drive home that I understood her experience and she need not feel alone. But it was obvious that her discomfort remained.

The only other time I have witnessed the topic of sex being discussed in a church setting was equally uncomfortable, this time for me (and likely others). We were talking about strengthening marriages and one girl piped up that she believed firmly and had started her marriage with the intention to never deny her husband sex. The implication was there that none of us should ever deny our husbands sex. I wish so desperately that I had been brave enough at the time to vehemently but kindly inform her that that perspective, while it maybe worked for her, was not an appropriate expectation to thrust onto all the women in the room. I have tried the method of “giving my husband sex” even when I did not want to, and for me, it leaves me feeling vulnerable, abused, objectified, worthless, second class, and honestly, borderline suicidal. By no means does it help me grow closer in my equal partner relationship with him. If I do not have agency, what am I but a slave? And a slave I am not, so I must protect my agency.

But what is sisterhood if it’s not a place where we can be our real selves, even if we don’t always agree with each other? What is sisterhood if not unconditional love? What is sisterhood if not that person you know you can rely on when you really need it even when you haven’t spoken in months or years? Why do we refer to each other as “sisters” at church if not to foster the kind of environment that allows us to be vulnerable and to feel safe in expressing ourselves, and safe in seeking peace, comfort, guidance, and friendship in one another? 

This conversation about understanding women’s bodies came at an interesting time for me, because I had fairly recently had a conversation with another woman in my church on the same subject of physical intimacy and the importance of understanding women’s bodies, and the rampant lack of education regarding women’s bodies and their experiences in intimacy. Both of us related similar struggles and had expressed the desire to have a more in depth conversation face to face when time allowed. Because yes, the conversation does better face to face. And allowing yourself to be vulnerable face to face encourages more comfort with being vulnerable face to face. Whereas being vulnerable over digital media, in my experience, encourages more vulnerability over digital media, sure, but also sometimes it leaves you still feeling awkward and unsure of how to bridge the awkwardness in face-to-face. But we had enough of a conversation digitally, to know each other enough to know that it was a conversation we would want to have face to face. And I think that’s okay. But there is an obvious need among lots of women, to have this conversation!

So, how do we learn about the female body? I’m sure there are a lot of answers for this. As there should be. However, I would like to relay a story before I answer.

I know someone who once took an art class focused on anatomy. This meant that there were sometimes nude models in the classroom. When this was relayed to her bishop during the course of a random “what are you up to these days” kind of conversation, he chastised her for viewing pornography. 

I know. Right now, all my artsy friends are cringing! I’ll use this as a brief moment to say that ecclesiastical leaders are not perfect, and that’s okay. And perhaps for him and his tolerance level, it would have been pornographic and not an appropriate choice for him. This is why it’s important that when our leaders say things to us, that we take the time to pray to receive our own answer. Because if it’s true, the Holy Ghost will testify to us as well, and not just our leaders. I can still support my leaders while also acknowledging that they are not perfect. As I hope people will support me despite my imperfections.

Now, are there people in those classrooms abusing this vulnerable opportunity? Yes. But does that mean that the material is pornographic by nature? No. Do doctors learn how to be surgeons without viewing naked bodies? No they do not. Does that make the material pornographic? No it does not. 

So, in learning about the female body, does it make sense that you might have to view the naked female body to do so? I would argue yes. Now, is it important to be careful in what resources you select from in that endeavor? Yes. Certainly you wouldn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy to learn how to be a surgeon, nor would a pornographic film help you learn about anatomy from a scientific standpoint. Intent matters. Context matters. And following the spirit in your efforts matter.

There are some good books out there. Lots of good books. That doesn't mean reading books is the only resource available though. I have more than one on my bookshelf about husband and wife relationships, intimacy, and even physical intimacy for victims of abuse. And I’m sure there are many more books out there that I haven’t heard of or read. But you know what, sometimes even those books have pictures 🤷‍♀️ Sexually graphic ones even 🤷‍♀️ Personally I choose books that use only black and white line drawings because it’s what I feel most comfortable with and I can keep myself in an educational context easier that way. But I also know that there are others out there that may learn differently than I do. And different people have different tolerances. And that’s okay. And we will each choose different resources to learn from because of our learning differences. And that is also okay. 

All this to say, I hope when people come to us from a place of vulnerability, we will put a greater emphasis on validating them, than pointing out our differences, or what is “correct.”

And also, most men, and many women do not understand the female body half as well as they think they do. And education should happen. 🤷‍♀️ I would not be where I am in my marriage if I had never felt safe to talk about sex with people from time to time. While it is a subject that should be discussed in the right setting, with an attitude of some reverence, it is also one that should not just be kept taboo. 

When Michael and I were first married one of my sisters gave the advice along the lines of “be willing to talk openly and honestly to each other during and about sex” and we didn’t listen. Life would have been better those first years if we had. But talking to a trusted friend or two, eventually helped me learn how to have better communication with him. And that’s okay too.

Be Human

A few weeks ago, my oldest son got angry with me. His response was to say something to me that he was pretty sure would make me angry. Realistically, it didn’t make me angry. It made me sad. And frustrated that he would use that subject against me. I realized quickly that there was nothing safe for me to say in that moment. I had no words that I was completely sure I wouldn’t regret later. So I walked away. My husband went to have a talk with him. (That’s one of my favorite things about being married to my husband. Is that we help cover for each other when the other person isn’t in the right mental headspace to deal with something kindly.) I went to my room. Eventually my son came to talk to me in my room. But I was still not ready to let go of how I was feeling. He apologized, and I told him that I was grateful for his apology, but that I wasn’t ready to accept it yet. I further explained that I was still allowed to feel hurt and sad by what he said. He said okay and that he understood and walked away. A few minutes later he quietly snuck back into my room and placed a handwritten note on my nightstand with a cute little picture of himself and I, and his attempt writing “I love you” at the top.

I didn’t acknowledge him dropping off the note. I was grumpy. But it was sweet. When I felt ready to be apart of the world again, I left my room, and he asked me if I saw his note and if I knew what it said. I told him that I had indeed seen it and I reminded him that I loved him too even when I was grumpy. 

I guess I’m sharing this to say that it’s ok to feel your feelings. And it’s okay to show kids that we have feelings too. It’s okay to sit with them for a while. And it’s ok to move on from those feelings when we’re through instead of skipping past them. Regardless of all the ways I sometimes fail at the “mom-thing” I think at the end my kids will learn that it’s okay to set boundaries to take care of themselves even while taking care of others. And even adults need to admit they are human, and by default, imperfect. And that’s not a bad thing.

Tarnished Virtue

Have I lost my virtue? Has it been broken or damaged, tarnished or lost? Virtue is one of those things that I feel like is sort of an abstract concept, especially since it can have more than one meaning. So I'll go ahead and toss in the top three definitions that show up from a quick google search:

1. Moral excellence and righteousness; goodness.

2. An example or kind of moral excellence.

3. Chastity, especially in a woman.

Can I just toss in a random side-rant and ask why chastity is only discussed as a "virtue" for women? We only ever refer to a woman's "virtue" in respect to sexual purity. Topic for another day, but I thought I'd toss that soap box out there just for the sake of being genuine. 

Now, I think there is an entirely different conversation regarding possible definitions of "virtue" that I may very well have on another day... But for today I'm focusing more so on the concept of virtue within the sphere of chastity/sexual purity. 

We've all heard the complaints about poor analogies for sexual purity that happen from time to time within a church lesson or wherever it might be said. A while ago I attempted looking up a list of bad analogies figuring someone must have compiled a list of some of the worst ones, and was not disappointed. Here are a few:   

1.  Chocolate that has been passed around to multiple people becomes dirty and undesirable (Message: people who have had multiple sexual partners are dirty and undesirable)
2. Tape that has been used multiple times loses its stickiness (Message: people who have had multiple sexual partners are unable to form tight bonds and have fulfilling relationships)
3. Chewed up gum (Message: people who have had multiple sexual partners are dirty and worthless)
4. A cup full of spit, or a pitcher of water after multiple people have spit in it, versus a plain clean cup of water. (Message: exchanging bodily fluids with multiple people makes someone undesirable)
5. A rose that has had a petal taken off by each student in the class until it is just a thorny stick. Students are asked what value the rose now has. (Message: participating in casual sex causes a person to lose value)

I'm sure there are dozens of more bad examples out there. As a species we're pretty good at getting horribly creative. But what I thought was most interesting here was that I have always been led to believe that this was an issue that was unique to my religion alone. Guess what I was shocked to learn? That list of bad analogies, actually came from state sponsored sex-ed programs emphasizing abstinence. No wonder abstinence gets a bad rap. 

Here's a different perspective to consider as well. I'll be vague here to protect confidentiality, but I was once told a story, about a girl who was sexually abused and during the discovery process was interviewed by her bishop. After the interview, the bishop approached the mother of this girl and informed her that her daughter's "virtue was intact." Now, this was meant to assure the mother that what had happened was to no fault of the girl, and that it didn't effect her sexual purity, etc etc. Right? Which is good. Cuz certainly it should be made clear that abuse does not affect one’s sexual purity. But there is something about that phrase that has never sat well with me. Can my virtue be broken? Now, I think the term "intact" is a far better phrase than the analogies above. You can't wash chocolate clean to restore it to its prior fresh-from-the-factory quality. You can't make tape sticky again. You can't un-chew gum, you can't take the spit out of the water, and you can't glue the flower petals back to the stem. But perhaps I can fix what gets broken. But even that implies that it will forever be "refurbished" and thus not quite as good as it once was. 

But when we talk about the ATONEMENT it is clear that when utilized, things, or rather, people, are able to be 100% redeemed. Object lessons that imply that bad choices reduce or decimate our worth are 100% contrary to the plan of redemption. We never say "The atonement is like dipping chocolate in mud and sure you can wash off the chocolate, but it's never quite as good as a fresh piece of chocolate." The thought makes reason stare, does it not? 

So how do we talk about "virtue" and what happens to it when we make poor choices? What happens to virtue? Can virtue be broken or lost, damaged or tarnished? I actually think tarnished silver would make an excellent analogy. Tarnished silver never loses its value or worth. It just needs to be cleaned. 

I also think I could refer to virtue as something I can put on a shelf in a closet. It's in my house, I know where it is. The value has not changed. But perhaps, I'm choosing not to keep it somewhere I can remember to access it daily. I am not making it a priority. This is probably the most accurate depiction in my mind. 

I also don't mind thinking of virtue as being something that can be "misplaced" because to me, all that implies is that I need to find it again. Although I'll admit up front it's not a perfect analogy. Because sometimes things that are misplaced can't be found again. So when I say "misplaced" I want to be very clear in that I prefer "misplaced" over the term "lost" because when I think "misplaced" I think of all the many times I have had to search for my phone in my house. I know it's somewhere in my house. I just need to put in the effort to look between couch cushions and all the other nooks and crannies until it's found. And maybe even call in the support team, aka my husband, and have him call it to help me find it. This is different than dropping my phone off the side of a boat while on a cruise and "oops I lost my phone." There is something about the word "lost" that implies that I might never get it back again. And it's different from "misplacing" my phone at the grocery store, and who knows if someone will be honest and return it or not -- where it could end up "lost" it completely. 

My virtue is mine. It is always mine. It can never be permanently lost. It can't be given, it can never be taken. It can't be sold, it can't be bought. It can never belong to someone else. It is inherently mine, and is tied to us like a tether that can never be severed. It's value never changes. It's worth never changes.  

And while we're on that subject. I would like to make an addendum. The subject of chastity/virtue/sexual purity should not be mixed up with the subject of abstinence. As similar as these subjects sound, they are not the same. Because if you believe they are the same, then even having just one sexual partner might make me feel like that chewed up piece of gum. Having sex does not make you "dirty." Having sex does not alter your sexual purity. Far too many people manage to go through life, marry their spouse as a virgin, and then still manage to feel "dirty" after having sex. Because their whole life "sex" has been a naughty word. Body parts are often "naughty words" and the variety of acts within the realm of sexual intimacy are depicted as "naughty." None of that helps anyone experience positive sexual relationships. The focus should instead be "what choices am I making that are bringing me closer to Christ?" "what choices am I making that take me further from Christ and his teachings?" Sex is not the issue. Sexual desire and passion are not the issue. The choices we make and the priorities we are keeping are what determine what kind of person we are, and our moral righteousness. 

There have certainly been times in my life when I would not have described myself as being a "virtuous woman." But did that ever mean that I was unable to become virtuous again? No. And there were certainly times when the task of "cleaning the silver" felt daunting and difficult. But that is a far healthier perspective to have than the one I had when I first grasped the extent of the sexual abuse I experienced as a kid. Thinking I had lost something and could never get it back again because it had been taken. Or thinking that my worth and value were determined by the way boys viewed me and the decisions that perspective led me to? Also, the value of the silver does not change even if it gets tarnished and polished again and again. No matter what, with the right tools and effort and perhaps even regular maintenance, it can always be restored 100%. What can I do today that will motivate me to take the "virtue" box off the shelf in my closet and put it somewhere in my life that I can make it a priority?

So regardless of the choices we have made... regardless of the experiences that may have been thrust upon us... each of us has innate virtue and value and worth that cannot be broken or lost or taken. And maybe polishing the silver feels daunting. But, thankfully, we have a Savior who has offered to help any time he's asked. Just like my husband, my kids, my family are willing to call my phone any time it's misplaced. Helpers can be found in all sorts of places and people. And no matter what, the task is never impossible or too late. The time can be now. 

 

 

 

No Loaves of Manna

Apparently I have just never paid much attention while reading the story of Moses and his people receiving "manna from heaven." I saw someone post a picture today on a scripture study Facebook group depicting the approximate size of "manna" by showing coriander seeds. They had a tagline with it that was along the lines of "I'm pretty sure my kids were visualizing loaves of bread." Well shucks lady. Way to make me feel like an ignorant toddler. 😅 My whole life I have visualized loaves of bread falling from the sky akin to the book "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" by Judi Barrett. 

My world was rocked while listening to a podcast on "Unshaken Saints" by Jared Halverson the other day when he started quoting the scriptures in Exodus 16 which describes manna as follows:

13 And it came to pass, that at even the quails came up, and covered the camp: and in the morning the dew lay round about the host.

14 And when the dew that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a small around thing, as small as the hoar frost on the ground.

I mean, in all honesty, the description "small as the hoar frost" makes it sound more like potato flakes than coriander seeds. So when the Israelites were told to go gather manna for their meals that day, it wasn't just the simple act of grabbing a loaf for me and a loaf for you and half a loaf for Jimmy and half a loaf for Suzie. These guys had to work for their food. It may have been provided to them, but it was not something that did not require effort on their part. Jared Halverson does a really good job of relating this to how we grow in the gospel. We are given the scriptures, and prophets and weekly lesson plans for church and temples etc... But we can't just go to church and pick up our testimony of prophets "loaf" or our testimony of the Book of Mormon "loaf" or our testimony of Christ "loaf" or our testimony of temples "loaf." Instead, while we are provided with the means to be sustained, we must do our part to pick up the tiny flakes and nuggets of truth until they add up to the means to support us through our trials in this life. And sometimes, if we wait too long, we encounter the same issue as the Israelites. When the sun waxed hot, it melted (Exodus 16:21). Trials can come, and we can be unprepared because we have not prioritized collecting the flakes of truth and testimony needed.

And let's go ahead and talk about the fact that these flakes of sustenance didn't even really "rain down" as first described. Reading verses 13-14, the visual I get instead is that when the dew evaporated, it left behind the manna. Instead of changing water into wine, here we're getting dewdrops turning into manna. You can imagine the Israelites waking up that first morning thinking "Hey God, you said food would rain down. It's not raining. I'm not seeing any food." They had to wait patiently for the dew to evaporate. And then they had to be looking and paying attention to when those drops of dew transformed, and realize what it was, and what it's purpose was, and realize that this was the fulfillment of God's promise. How often do we pray for something, only to not instantly get what we wanted, and we fail to wait patiently, and we fail to keep looking for the answer, and we fail to identify the answer when it comes, fail to express gratitude at its coming, and fail to recognize it as God's hand in our lives? And on the other hand, how often do we recognize the things given to us by God, but refuse to be willing to prioritize the work involved in order to collect those blessings? 

If you're at all still interested in the concept of "manna" I would also recommend the following article from a Hebrew Studies page, "WORD STUDY – MON HU FROM HEAVEN"

I know I too have been guilty of similar tactics used by the Israelites in this story--trying to store up extra on one day so that I don't have to bother on another day. And I know it doesn't have the same sustaining effect as the small daily efforts. So, while maybe some of you have always realized this story was about more than God taking care of his whiny promised people... maybe some of you will join with me in being grateful for the realization that it's a reminder that God provides, but asks that we join him in the work.

Saying No, Even at Church

I was raised to believe that good members of the church said yes to any calling without question. I grew up believing that being good meant doing as I was asked. Follow the leader. Do what you’re told. Do what’s asked of you. I don’t really want to get into a big debate on that subject. And I’m definitely not saying that it’s bad to say yes to every calling or do what’s asked of you. But I do want to make that bar a little more realistic.

I remember as a teenager in young women’s, for the very first time being aware that someone said “No” to the request from a leader “Could you say the prayer?” And it was sort of a mind blowing moment for me. I could say no. I had a choice. And the next time someone called on me to say the prayer, I said no. In fact, I said no many more times, for a long time. I remember the look of shock from a leader when I finally said yes. I’m sure it was an annoyance to my leaders that I wasn’t sharing the “load” by excluding myself from the rotation. And I’m sure to some extent it was likely a signal to them that I was less than perfect, and had a less than perfect testimony. And that was true. But looking back, I also think it was extremely healthy for me to feel like I had agency. Whether or not I participated became a choice which meant that when I finally decided to participate, it actually meant something. Because of that, part of me is a little proud when my children say “no” when we ask on them to say a prayer. Because I am grateful that they recognize that they have a choice.

The same thing could be said for going to church. As a child you often don’t feel like you have a choice. You go to church because your parents go and maybe because they make you go. And I had a while as a youth when I really didn’t want to go. Actually, at the time it really didn’t have a lot to do with whether or not I believed in church. There was just a bully at church and I didn’t want to deal with it. But I was extremely grateful when my parents began to respect and give me freedom to choose for myself whether I would go to church or not. It allowed me to feel safe because I had choice, and power over my life and whether or not I would engage with the bully or not. And eventually I learned that choosing to go to church or not was a powerful way to honor my testimony of the church. But only because I had the choice to go or not.

On a few occasions in my life, I have been the participant of a group prayer where someone said something I didn’t agree with. And it struck me that I didn’t like that I was expected to say “amen” at the end, signaling my agreement when in reality I did not feel aligned with the words said… It wasn’t until some time later that someone portrayed the mind-blowing perspective to me, that we have a choice. We can choose not to say “amen” if we don’t agree with something someone has said in a prayer. I can’t tell you how healing that was to me. To know that I was never stuck. That I have the freedom to choose.

It took me a while before I realized that I could apply that same “freedom to say no” to other areas of my life. Stories for another day, but I think I would have had better experiences with boys in my childhood, high school and college had I realized that I had the power to say no instead of just not saying yes and hoping the problems would go away. The power of voicing your agency, setting boundaries, and protecting that power to choose.

I was listening to a podcast recently. And the guy was talking about crisis of faith. And he said that it’s important to remember that we have choice. You CAN leave the church. You have that choice. And it’s important to remember that we have that choice. Because then the decision to stay or go actually has meaning instead of just staying wherever you are simply because you feel stuck. And the correct answer is the one that allows for you to grow.

So, while I believe in sustaining fellow members of the church in their callings, whether they are leadership or not, by trying to support them and respect any inspiration they may receive related to that calling… I also believe that we do not have to follow blindly. We can stop for a minute or a day or a week, and pray to receive our own confirmation of what they are asking and how we should proceed. And we can put our own self-care into the equation for whether or not we will do what is being asked. Sometimes having healthy boundaries means saying no. And that’s okay. 

We talk a lot about the sanctity of “agency” in the church. But sometimes we forget to give ourselves permission to use it. I was listening to a podcast the other day that seriously cleared up the subject of Satan’s plan for me, that I probably won’t be able to fully put in words. In Satan’s plan, we would all return home, but we wouldn’t have agency. And I always thought that Christ’s plan was a contrary to that. But in reality his plan includes Satan’s plan, but with more benefits. Christ’s plan ensures that we will all be resurrected. That was Satan’s plan. However, Satan’s plan didn’t include an atonement. No personal sacrifice on his part that would allow for us to make mistakes AND still come home. The only risk involved in Christ’s plan is how our choices in this life will affect how much freedom for growth we will have in the next life. Satan’s plan didn’t allow for growth. We wouldn’t have had the ability to choose and therefore no ability to learn in our faith and qualify to become like God. 

Choices give us room to grow. Agency allows us to choose for ourselves which way we will go. Let’s not forget that there is meaning in protecting and honoring that agency in our own lives. Give yourself room to exercise that agency so that when you say yes, it actually has meaning. And saying no is not something to shame yourself over. It’s just giving yourself room to grow. So the next time you say yes, ask yourself how that “yes” is enabling you to grow. And the next time you say “no,” ask the same thing.

Sadness Needs a Home

 Many years ago, I was serving as a ward missionary (sort of—it was a sort of weird calling). But regardless, I ended up volunteering to go with the missionaries to teach a young woman they had met and who was interested in learning about the gospel. I don’t remember what lesson was taught, but I remember that she expressed concern over the expectation to forgive others. She shared that there was someone in her life who had abused her many years prior and she felt she could never forgive them. It was clear she was still very angry at them, and angry at God for allowing it to happen. I remember thinking, maybe the missionaries weren’t so crazy to invite me to meet her after all, because this was an area I had experience in. Not that I felt I had anything especially helpful or wise to say on the matter. I don’t even remember what I ended up saying to her and honestly I don’t think it made a difference. I just remember feeling sad for her that she was still carrying so much anger around. 

Forgiveness is a multi-sided thing. It can affect so many things and so many people. But it can also be a very intricate and delicate thing, and a very misunderstood thing. This woman thought forgiving her abuser meant trusting them again and allowing them back into her life in the same way again. And that is simply not what forgiveness means. Trust can certainly be re-earned in many cases after forgiveness occurs, but it is not a pre-requisite step to forgiveness. And even when or if trust is rebuilt, it doesn’t have to look the same as it did. 

Letting go of the anger is the most lifting feeling I have ever experienced when it comes to forgiveness. It is restorative and healing. No, it doesn’t remove all the effects of the original pain, but it removes so much. Forgiveness is a gift for us, not just a hard labor expected of us.

I came across a meme yesterday that some of you probably saw me share that said “Someone said anger is sadness that had nowhere to go for a long time” and that resonates with me. 

Much of the abuse I experienced happened at an age that I didn’t fully understand it. I only felt like there was an expectation not to talk about it. Looking back it makes total sense that despite not understanding it fully, it still made me sad. And each event compounded that sadness. And every year of not being able to express that sadness meant that when I finally found an outlet to talk about it, yeah, I was angry for a while. But finally letting go of that anger has made me into the parts of myself that I like about myself.

When I first went to the temple, there were things I didn’t understand. Still don’t understand. There were things that made me sad. Things that still make me sad. And again, I felt an expectation not to talk about it. And over the years that compounded into anger. And I still feel that way sometimes.

These days one of my favorite conversations to have with people is how they feel about the temple. What do they love about it, but also, what do they struggle with. Because I find that so many feel alone in their struggles, and knowing just that they are not alone brings peace. And having an outlet to allow that sadness to be expressed provides peace. And I need that. And I want to provide that for others. Of course doing that without spreading my anger can sometimes be difficult.

One of the things talked about in General Conference this weekend was forgiveness. And honestly, one of the thoughts that came to my mind was that I have been like that woman. I have been carrying around anger. Anger and sadness directed at God and others—sadness I don’t know what to do with, and so it turns into anger when I can’t put it somewhere. And I know full well the peace that will come when I let go of that anger, so obviously forgiveness should be the goal.. for my own peace and wellbeing if not for so many other reasons.. but the thought also occurs to me, that I have also been tying forgiveness and trust together here, just like that woman. Does forgiving God mean trusting God? Or can I forgive God but let the trust come later, and work on that separately? There’s something about that that seems extra interconnected and difficult to separate when it comes to God. Forgiving God is interconnected with believing in God which is interconnected in trusting in God. Right? Or is it? Can that trust be built back, but look different than it did before, and that be okay and still be good?

I don’t have all the answers here. All I can really say is that I know forgiveness heals. And I know that baby steps are okay and good. And I know that doubt is okay. Asking questions is okay. Talking about it is okay. Acknowledging pain is okay. Sitting with that pain for a while is okay. Sadness needs to find a home sometimes. But as for a constant companion, forgiveness makes a far better friend, than anger.

Final disclaimer, I’m not looking for sage advice here. At least not in this forum. I’m happy to have real face to face, one-on-one conversations on this topic, but not drop-down bombs of one-sided wisdom that don’t allow for real discourse on the subject. Sometimes, giving sadness a home, means allowing things to be said without trying to fix them just yet.