I was raised to believe that good members of the church said yes to any calling without question. I grew up believing that being good meant doing as I was asked. Follow the leader. Do what you’re told. Do what’s asked of you. I don’t really want to get into a big debate on that subject. And I’m definitely not saying that it’s bad to say yes to every calling or do what’s asked of you. But I do want to make that bar a little more realistic.
I remember as a teenager in young women’s, for the very first time being aware that someone said “No” to the request from a leader “Could you say the prayer?” And it was sort of a mind blowing moment for me. I could say no. I had a choice. And the next time someone called on me to say the prayer, I said no. In fact, I said no many more times, for a long time. I remember the look of shock from a leader when I finally said yes. I’m sure it was an annoyance to my leaders that I wasn’t sharing the “load” by excluding myself from the rotation. And I’m sure to some extent it was likely a signal to them that I was less than perfect, and had a less than perfect testimony. And that was true. But looking back, I also think it was extremely healthy for me to feel like I had agency. Whether or not I participated became a choice which meant that when I finally decided to participate, it actually meant something. Because of that, part of me is a little proud when my children say “no” when we ask on them to say a prayer. Because I am grateful that they recognize that they have a choice.
The same thing could be said for going to church. As a child you often don’t feel like you have a choice. You go to church because your parents go and maybe because they make you go. And I had a while as a youth when I really didn’t want to go. Actually, at the time it really didn’t have a lot to do with whether or not I believed in church. There was just a bully at church and I didn’t want to deal with it. But I was extremely grateful when my parents began to respect and give me freedom to choose for myself whether I would go to church or not. It allowed me to feel safe because I had choice, and power over my life and whether or not I would engage with the bully or not. And eventually I learned that choosing to go to church or not was a powerful way to honor my testimony of the church. But only because I had the choice to go or not.
On a few occasions in my life, I have been the participant of a group prayer where someone said something I didn’t agree with. And it struck me that I didn’t like that I was expected to say “amen” at the end, signaling my agreement when in reality I did not feel aligned with the words said… It wasn’t until some time later that someone portrayed the mind-blowing perspective to me, that we have a choice. We can choose not to say “amen” if we don’t agree with something someone has said in a prayer. I can’t tell you how healing that was to me. To know that I was never stuck. That I have the freedom to choose.
It took me a while before I realized that I could apply that same “freedom to say no” to other areas of my life. Stories for another day, but I think I would have had better experiences with boys in my childhood, high school and college had I realized that I had the power to say no instead of just not saying yes and hoping the problems would go away. The power of voicing your agency, setting boundaries, and protecting that power to choose.
I was listening to a podcast recently. And the guy was talking about crisis of faith. And he said that it’s important to remember that we have choice. You CAN leave the church. You have that choice. And it’s important to remember that we have that choice. Because then the decision to stay or go actually has meaning instead of just staying wherever you are simply because you feel stuck. And the correct answer is the one that allows for you to grow.
So, while I believe in sustaining fellow members of the church in their callings, whether they are leadership or not, by trying to support them and respect any inspiration they may receive related to that calling… I also believe that we do not have to follow blindly. We can stop for a minute or a day or a week, and pray to receive our own confirmation of what they are asking and how we should proceed. And we can put our own self-care into the equation for whether or not we will do what is being asked. Sometimes having healthy boundaries means saying no. And that’s okay.
We talk a lot about the sanctity of “agency” in the church. But sometimes we forget to give ourselves permission to use it. I was listening to a podcast the other day that seriously cleared up the subject of Satan’s plan for me, that I probably won’t be able to fully put in words. In Satan’s plan, we would all return home, but we wouldn’t have agency. And I always thought that Christ’s plan was a contrary to that. But in reality his plan includes Satan’s plan, but with more benefits. Christ’s plan ensures that we will all be resurrected. That was Satan’s plan. However, Satan’s plan didn’t include an atonement. No personal sacrifice on his part that would allow for us to make mistakes AND still come home. The only risk involved in Christ’s plan is how our choices in this life will affect how much freedom for growth we will have in the next life. Satan’s plan didn’t allow for growth. We wouldn’t have had the ability to choose and therefore no ability to learn in our faith and qualify to become like God.
Choices give us room to grow. Agency allows us to choose for ourselves which way we will go. Let’s not forget that there is meaning in protecting and honoring that agency in our own lives. Give yourself room to exercise that agency so that when you say yes, it actually has meaning. And saying no is not something to shame yourself over. It’s just giving yourself room to grow. So the next time you say yes, ask yourself how that “yes” is enabling you to grow. And the next time you say “no,” ask the same thing.
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