Many years ago, I was serving as a ward missionary (sort of—it was a sort of weird calling). But regardless, I ended up volunteering to go with the missionaries to teach a young woman they had met and who was interested in learning about the gospel. I don’t remember what lesson was taught, but I remember that she expressed concern over the expectation to forgive others. She shared that there was someone in her life who had abused her many years prior and she felt she could never forgive them. It was clear she was still very angry at them, and angry at God for allowing it to happen. I remember thinking, maybe the missionaries weren’t so crazy to invite me to meet her after all, because this was an area I had experience in. Not that I felt I had anything especially helpful or wise to say on the matter. I don’t even remember what I ended up saying to her and honestly I don’t think it made a difference. I just remember feeling sad for her that she was still carrying so much anger around.
Forgiveness is a multi-sided thing. It can affect so many things and so many people. But it can also be a very intricate and delicate thing, and a very misunderstood thing. This woman thought forgiving her abuser meant trusting them again and allowing them back into her life in the same way again. And that is simply not what forgiveness means. Trust can certainly be re-earned in many cases after forgiveness occurs, but it is not a pre-requisite step to forgiveness. And even when or if trust is rebuilt, it doesn’t have to look the same as it did.
Letting go of the anger is the most lifting feeling I have ever experienced when it comes to forgiveness. It is restorative and healing. No, it doesn’t remove all the effects of the original pain, but it removes so much. Forgiveness is a gift for us, not just a hard labor expected of us.
I came across a meme yesterday that some of you probably saw me share that said “Someone said anger is sadness that had nowhere to go for a long time” and that resonates with me.
Much of the abuse I experienced happened at an age that I didn’t fully understand it. I only felt like there was an expectation not to talk about it. Looking back it makes total sense that despite not understanding it fully, it still made me sad. And each event compounded that sadness. And every year of not being able to express that sadness meant that when I finally found an outlet to talk about it, yeah, I was angry for a while. But finally letting go of that anger has made me into the parts of myself that I like about myself.
When I first went to the temple, there were things I didn’t understand. Still don’t understand. There were things that made me sad. Things that still make me sad. And again, I felt an expectation not to talk about it. And over the years that compounded into anger. And I still feel that way sometimes.
These days one of my favorite conversations to have with people is how they feel about the temple. What do they love about it, but also, what do they struggle with. Because I find that so many feel alone in their struggles, and knowing just that they are not alone brings peace. And having an outlet to allow that sadness to be expressed provides peace. And I need that. And I want to provide that for others. Of course doing that without spreading my anger can sometimes be difficult.
One of the things talked about in General Conference this weekend was forgiveness. And honestly, one of the thoughts that came to my mind was that I have been like that woman. I have been carrying around anger. Anger and sadness directed at God and others—sadness I don’t know what to do with, and so it turns into anger when I can’t put it somewhere. And I know full well the peace that will come when I let go of that anger, so obviously forgiveness should be the goal.. for my own peace and wellbeing if not for so many other reasons.. but the thought also occurs to me, that I have also been tying forgiveness and trust together here, just like that woman. Does forgiving God mean trusting God? Or can I forgive God but let the trust come later, and work on that separately? There’s something about that that seems extra interconnected and difficult to separate when it comes to God. Forgiving God is interconnected with believing in God which is interconnected in trusting in God. Right? Or is it? Can that trust be built back, but look different than it did before, and that be okay and still be good?
I don’t have all the answers here. All I can really say is that I know forgiveness heals. And I know that baby steps are okay and good. And I know that doubt is okay. Asking questions is okay. Talking about it is okay. Acknowledging pain is okay. Sitting with that pain for a while is okay. Sadness needs to find a home sometimes. But as for a constant companion, forgiveness makes a far better friend, than anger.
Final disclaimer, I’m not looking for sage advice here. At least not in this forum. I’m happy to have real face to face, one-on-one conversations on this topic, but not drop-down bombs of one-sided wisdom that don’t allow for real discourse on the subject. Sometimes, giving sadness a home, means allowing things to be said without trying to fix them just yet.
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