Tarnished Virtue

Have I lost my virtue? Has it been broken or damaged, tarnished or lost? Virtue is one of those things that I feel like is sort of an abstract concept, especially since it can have more than one meaning. So I'll go ahead and toss in the top three definitions that show up from a quick google search:

1. Moral excellence and righteousness; goodness.

2. An example or kind of moral excellence.

3. Chastity, especially in a woman.

Can I just toss in a random side-rant and ask why chastity is only discussed as a "virtue" for women? We only ever refer to a woman's "virtue" in respect to sexual purity. Topic for another day, but I thought I'd toss that soap box out there just for the sake of being genuine. 

Now, I think there is an entirely different conversation regarding possible definitions of "virtue" that I may very well have on another day... But for today I'm focusing more so on the concept of virtue within the sphere of chastity/sexual purity. 

We've all heard the complaints about poor analogies for sexual purity that happen from time to time within a church lesson or wherever it might be said. A while ago I attempted looking up a list of bad analogies figuring someone must have compiled a list of some of the worst ones, and was not disappointed. Here are a few:   

1.  Chocolate that has been passed around to multiple people becomes dirty and undesirable (Message: people who have had multiple sexual partners are dirty and undesirable)
2. Tape that has been used multiple times loses its stickiness (Message: people who have had multiple sexual partners are unable to form tight bonds and have fulfilling relationships)
3. Chewed up gum (Message: people who have had multiple sexual partners are dirty and worthless)
4. A cup full of spit, or a pitcher of water after multiple people have spit in it, versus a plain clean cup of water. (Message: exchanging bodily fluids with multiple people makes someone undesirable)
5. A rose that has had a petal taken off by each student in the class until it is just a thorny stick. Students are asked what value the rose now has. (Message: participating in casual sex causes a person to lose value)

I'm sure there are dozens of more bad examples out there. As a species we're pretty good at getting horribly creative. But what I thought was most interesting here was that I have always been led to believe that this was an issue that was unique to my religion alone. Guess what I was shocked to learn? That list of bad analogies, actually came from state sponsored sex-ed programs emphasizing abstinence. No wonder abstinence gets a bad rap. 

Here's a different perspective to consider as well. I'll be vague here to protect confidentiality, but I was once told a story, about a girl who was sexually abused and during the discovery process was interviewed by her bishop. After the interview, the bishop approached the mother of this girl and informed her that her daughter's "virtue was intact." Now, this was meant to assure the mother that what had happened was to no fault of the girl, and that it didn't effect her sexual purity, etc etc. Right? Which is good. Cuz certainly it should be made clear that abuse does not affect one’s sexual purity. But there is something about that phrase that has never sat well with me. Can my virtue be broken? Now, I think the term "intact" is a far better phrase than the analogies above. You can't wash chocolate clean to restore it to its prior fresh-from-the-factory quality. You can't make tape sticky again. You can't un-chew gum, you can't take the spit out of the water, and you can't glue the flower petals back to the stem. But perhaps I can fix what gets broken. But even that implies that it will forever be "refurbished" and thus not quite as good as it once was. 

But when we talk about the ATONEMENT it is clear that when utilized, things, or rather, people, are able to be 100% redeemed. Object lessons that imply that bad choices reduce or decimate our worth are 100% contrary to the plan of redemption. We never say "The atonement is like dipping chocolate in mud and sure you can wash off the chocolate, but it's never quite as good as a fresh piece of chocolate." The thought makes reason stare, does it not? 

So how do we talk about "virtue" and what happens to it when we make poor choices? What happens to virtue? Can virtue be broken or lost, damaged or tarnished? I actually think tarnished silver would make an excellent analogy. Tarnished silver never loses its value or worth. It just needs to be cleaned. 

I also think I could refer to virtue as something I can put on a shelf in a closet. It's in my house, I know where it is. The value has not changed. But perhaps, I'm choosing not to keep it somewhere I can remember to access it daily. I am not making it a priority. This is probably the most accurate depiction in my mind. 

I also don't mind thinking of virtue as being something that can be "misplaced" because to me, all that implies is that I need to find it again. Although I'll admit up front it's not a perfect analogy. Because sometimes things that are misplaced can't be found again. So when I say "misplaced" I want to be very clear in that I prefer "misplaced" over the term "lost" because when I think "misplaced" I think of all the many times I have had to search for my phone in my house. I know it's somewhere in my house. I just need to put in the effort to look between couch cushions and all the other nooks and crannies until it's found. And maybe even call in the support team, aka my husband, and have him call it to help me find it. This is different than dropping my phone off the side of a boat while on a cruise and "oops I lost my phone." There is something about the word "lost" that implies that I might never get it back again. And it's different from "misplacing" my phone at the grocery store, and who knows if someone will be honest and return it or not -- where it could end up "lost" it completely. 

My virtue is mine. It is always mine. It can never be permanently lost. It can't be given, it can never be taken. It can't be sold, it can't be bought. It can never belong to someone else. It is inherently mine, and is tied to us like a tether that can never be severed. It's value never changes. It's worth never changes.  

And while we're on that subject. I would like to make an addendum. The subject of chastity/virtue/sexual purity should not be mixed up with the subject of abstinence. As similar as these subjects sound, they are not the same. Because if you believe they are the same, then even having just one sexual partner might make me feel like that chewed up piece of gum. Having sex does not make you "dirty." Having sex does not alter your sexual purity. Far too many people manage to go through life, marry their spouse as a virgin, and then still manage to feel "dirty" after having sex. Because their whole life "sex" has been a naughty word. Body parts are often "naughty words" and the variety of acts within the realm of sexual intimacy are depicted as "naughty." None of that helps anyone experience positive sexual relationships. The focus should instead be "what choices am I making that are bringing me closer to Christ?" "what choices am I making that take me further from Christ and his teachings?" Sex is not the issue. Sexual desire and passion are not the issue. The choices we make and the priorities we are keeping are what determine what kind of person we are, and our moral righteousness. 

There have certainly been times in my life when I would not have described myself as being a "virtuous woman." But did that ever mean that I was unable to become virtuous again? No. And there were certainly times when the task of "cleaning the silver" felt daunting and difficult. But that is a far healthier perspective to have than the one I had when I first grasped the extent of the sexual abuse I experienced as a kid. Thinking I had lost something and could never get it back again because it had been taken. Or thinking that my worth and value were determined by the way boys viewed me and the decisions that perspective led me to? Also, the value of the silver does not change even if it gets tarnished and polished again and again. No matter what, with the right tools and effort and perhaps even regular maintenance, it can always be restored 100%. What can I do today that will motivate me to take the "virtue" box off the shelf in my closet and put it somewhere in my life that I can make it a priority?

So regardless of the choices we have made... regardless of the experiences that may have been thrust upon us... each of us has innate virtue and value and worth that cannot be broken or lost or taken. And maybe polishing the silver feels daunting. But, thankfully, we have a Savior who has offered to help any time he's asked. Just like my husband, my kids, my family are willing to call my phone any time it's misplaced. Helpers can be found in all sorts of places and people. And no matter what, the task is never impossible or too late. The time can be now.