By Any Other Name

A bit random, and perhaps an unpopular opinion, but I have never been very attached to my name. In some ways I have felt very unattached to my name even. I think in my late elementary/early middle school years I was infatuated with the idea of native cultures and having a name be given to you later in life that matched your personality, your achievements, your talents, whatever. I recognize that my parents chose a name that felt right to them, just as I have chosen names for my children that felt right. But at the same time, to me my name has always felt like it may as well be just a number. It’s a label by which I am called and says nothing about who I am. 

Honestly, I have always preferred nicknames. And it really doesn’t matter what they are so long as they are personal. Growing up most of my friends called me “Em” and that was always fine. I liked that. It’s not like it’s a far cry from my name, but it indicated a closeness and a relationship where they felt comfortable calling me something else and I liked that. It communicated something, it meant something. Whereas anyone can call me Emily, from the random cashier reading my name off my debit card, to my loving husband. It doesn’t mean anything.

My freshman year of high school I was called many things. And I won’t even attempt to relay them all. But the ones that I remember most were “Stalker” and “Skittles.” And I promise I never stalked anyone, that wasn’t the reason for the nickname. It was an inside joke, and stemmed from me being embarrassingly dorky… and it’s something I would have to show you, not tell you 😂😅 But I loved it, because it was personal. It meant something. It was ours. And honestly I’m pretty sure the name Skittles only stemmed from me eating skittles a few too many times or something. My point is only that I really don’t care what it is people call me as long as it comes from a place of love and means something. 

My husband and I call each other Spousen. I don’t remember when it started or how it came about. But I also love it. That’s not to say he never calls me Emily. He does. But he also calls me Spousen, and that’s the one that makes me smile.

My mother always intended for me to go by “Emily Jane.” And I remember when she told me that.. I was sort of like “Well I didn’t know that” lol. It always felt like the “yikes, I’m in trouble, the middle name has come out.” But I also remember really loving it. And I was glad she told me because that’s the name that feels like… mine. The name that means something. I enjoy the fact that I was named Emily because of the movie Saturday's Warrior. I enjoy the fact that I have some random semi-distant relative named Emily Jane although I wasn't officially named after her. But I love most that my mother had a plan. Not just to call me Emily, but that I would be Emily Jane. Something about the Jane makes it feel personalized. Mine. Every now and then I let people know that I prefer Emily Jane and that I really like when people call me that. And every now and then people do, but mostly it’s just one of those things. Too many syllables and people get lazy and find a way to shorten it. So I mostly don’t bother because it never gets used anyway. Maybe one of these days I’ll decide to officially switch to introducing myself that way to people from the get-go. And the percentage might go up. I totally acknowledge that it doesn't help that I don't introduce myself that way.

The ironic thing I suppose is that I have never been one to hand out nicknames for people. I tend to use their given name because that’s what I have, right? And then as I get to know them and love them, to me, their name begins to embody them, and everything I love about them. And so of course their name fits them, because, it just is.. it’s them, and it makes me think of them and what I love about them and it makes me smile. It feels personal to me. And I probably ought to remind myself that there are people who feel that way about me and my name too. 

But in the end, it's not the name that makes the person, it's the person that makes the name, regardless of what it is. Names have meaning because of the meaning that we give to them. Whether it's because of the person that gave the name, or the story behind the name, the feeling behind the name, what have you... To me, that also means that I have control over insults. Because they only have the meaning and power that I give them, that I allow them to have. 

In the end, a rose, or in this case, an Emily, by any other name... is still... just... me. Whoever, whatever that is, however I define myself to be.