If there is one thing that seems to be forming as a pattern in my life right now... it is Judgement. I watch everyone in my home constantly judging others. And while I understand where everyone is coming from... I don't really enjoy the constant negativity.
Then there's the other side of things... my awareness that people are also judging me. Even within my own friends and family. People don't really understand every angle or all the pieces to the equation. They don't understand what I feel or where my loyalties and duties lie. Everyone has different things that they prioritize due to how they were raised and what their goals are, and what their hopes and aspirations may be... And no one can truly understand all the variables that go into what decisions people make.
So why do we insist on judging others?
No, I do not currently have a job.
No, I do not currently have much of a life plan.
No, I am not currently set on a path that directly leads to a bachelor's degree.
But I do have reasons. I do have options. I do have goals and aspirations. And I have hope. I also have faith that everything will work out for the best. And if I don't know when, where, or how... I certainly don't think anyone else has any idea either.. besides God, of course.
So let's all give our friends, neighbors, family, and acquaintances a clean slate, fresh bill of health, and a little more of our respect than we were allowing before. Because we are all doing our best. That I do believe.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Fall fun
Sharon and Steve got a trampoline off freecycle the other day.. so we've got a pretty good sized trampoline in the backyard! Not as good as the one we had growing up, but still good. We've been jumping daily since! And taking pictures in the air of course! haha. It's been fun.
Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!
Oh the love!
Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!
Oh the love!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Complicated
well.. home life is currently ignoring the awkward intricacies that exist amongst our family relations right now.... so glad we master the game of pretend as children =/
I couldn't even begin to give a summary of the various kinds of drama that plague my home... and, to be honest... you wouldn't want to know. I don't even want to know most of the time. I try very hard not to know as much as possible actually... and yet I still feel plagued with drama. That's how bad it is.
Tension levels are high for multiple reasons.. I can think of atleast five off the top of my head. Everyone's emotions are pretty close to the surface about now, and there's usually some amount of yelling, screaming, fighting, general anger, or crying ... just about every day. Not to mention the use of breathing techniques. ha.
I hope we all gain something from this trial period.. That way it can atleast attempt being an experience worth all the fuss.
We'll be okay. I'm still okay =) So glad to have the church though.
I couldn't even begin to give a summary of the various kinds of drama that plague my home... and, to be honest... you wouldn't want to know. I don't even want to know most of the time. I try very hard not to know as much as possible actually... and yet I still feel plagued with drama. That's how bad it is.
Tension levels are high for multiple reasons.. I can think of atleast five off the top of my head. Everyone's emotions are pretty close to the surface about now, and there's usually some amount of yelling, screaming, fighting, general anger, or crying ... just about every day. Not to mention the use of breathing techniques. ha.
I hope we all gain something from this trial period.. That way it can atleast attempt being an experience worth all the fuss.
We'll be okay. I'm still okay =) So glad to have the church though.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Teaching
My major is American Government Education ... this is because I chose the degree in which I felt I was least knowledgeable in, and needed to know most about in order to fulfill my responsibilities as a good citizen.
Before that I was an English Education major, because I have felt a love for English for a long time. It always just seemed to click. But I don't really enjoy a lot of the over analysis that is necessary to get a degree in English. And of course Art Education, but that's just because I enjoy drawing, and am fairly good at it.. I also think I would have the most freedom in teaching an Art class. I've always stuck with Education no matter how many times I've switched my major because that is the one thing that I guess has just never even been a question in my mind. I like teaching, and I feel I've always been good at it.
But I think in all honesty, if I were to teach any subject... it would be 3rd grade math. Too bad third grade isn't categorized by subject just yet.. I'd have to get a degree in Elementary Education and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Besides... the only teaching I've done has been one on one where I could design my course to fit the needs of the student! I think I'd go crazy with the limitations placed on me by the school district and state requirements and a large classroom of varying personalities of children.
But I really do enjoy teaching it, none the less. I seem destined to it to a certain extent... seeing as I had the opportunity to teach my nephew Jonathan when he was doing third grade math... and now I'm teaching his younger brother Brandon, who is now taking his turn in third grade math. Coincidence, yeah?
Before that I was an English Education major, because I have felt a love for English for a long time. It always just seemed to click. But I don't really enjoy a lot of the over analysis that is necessary to get a degree in English. And of course Art Education, but that's just because I enjoy drawing, and am fairly good at it.. I also think I would have the most freedom in teaching an Art class. I've always stuck with Education no matter how many times I've switched my major because that is the one thing that I guess has just never even been a question in my mind. I like teaching, and I feel I've always been good at it.
But I think in all honesty, if I were to teach any subject... it would be 3rd grade math. Too bad third grade isn't categorized by subject just yet.. I'd have to get a degree in Elementary Education and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Besides... the only teaching I've done has been one on one where I could design my course to fit the needs of the student! I think I'd go crazy with the limitations placed on me by the school district and state requirements and a large classroom of varying personalities of children.
But I really do enjoy teaching it, none the less. I seem destined to it to a certain extent... seeing as I had the opportunity to teach my nephew Jonathan when he was doing third grade math... and now I'm teaching his younger brother Brandon, who is now taking his turn in third grade math. Coincidence, yeah?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Pride Cycle
When reading the scriptures... people always comment that they find it so absurd that in periods of history such as after Christ's death, it takes so little time for the people to dissent from the truth. We always think, "They had seen Christ! How is it that they could have strayed so far in only 200 years?" Or in other sections of the scriptures where the people were righteous, and then in just one generation they were wicked again worshiping Baal just like their great great great grandparents or what have you...
I've always wondered how many people realize how preposterous that manner of thinking is. I'll tell you right now that without even knowing a single clue as to the lives of my ancestors from 200 years ago, that I am a very different person than they were, and I'm sure I live my life very differently than they would have me living according to their traditions.
We should know better to think that way from the example of our lives alone. Just because I had a testimony when I was seven doesn't mean I didn't rebel when I was thirteen. Just because I had a testimony when I was fourteen doesn't mean I didn't stray when I was sixteen. I felt firm and steadfast when I was eighteen, and yet I have struggled since then. I have been righteous, and I have been wicked. And that cycle has happened several times within my own life, let alone in the time span of a generation or more. I think that many of us look back on historic times as a fairy tale void of the passing of real time, with real emotions and complications. But they're lives were as much of a fairy tale as ours are now. We place higher expectations on these historical figures, than we would ever place on most people we know.
It does not matter what miracles you have seen, and it does not matter what time you grew up in. Nephi's brothers saw angels and yet that did nothing for them. It is only the strength of our testimony and our faith that mean anything.
My greatest goal in life will be to foster the kind of faith and testimony in my life that can endure an entire generation. One that I can pass on to my children while they foster their own.
I've always wondered how many people realize how preposterous that manner of thinking is. I'll tell you right now that without even knowing a single clue as to the lives of my ancestors from 200 years ago, that I am a very different person than they were, and I'm sure I live my life very differently than they would have me living according to their traditions.
We should know better to think that way from the example of our lives alone. Just because I had a testimony when I was seven doesn't mean I didn't rebel when I was thirteen. Just because I had a testimony when I was fourteen doesn't mean I didn't stray when I was sixteen. I felt firm and steadfast when I was eighteen, and yet I have struggled since then. I have been righteous, and I have been wicked. And that cycle has happened several times within my own life, let alone in the time span of a generation or more. I think that many of us look back on historic times as a fairy tale void of the passing of real time, with real emotions and complications. But they're lives were as much of a fairy tale as ours are now. We place higher expectations on these historical figures, than we would ever place on most people we know.
It does not matter what miracles you have seen, and it does not matter what time you grew up in. Nephi's brothers saw angels and yet that did nothing for them. It is only the strength of our testimony and our faith that mean anything.
My greatest goal in life will be to foster the kind of faith and testimony in my life that can endure an entire generation. One that I can pass on to my children while they foster their own.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Something Missing
Over the years, I have more than once, come to a situation in which I struggle. I struggle to the point that I feel like I can't do it alone. The independent in me responds to that with a lot of pride, and says that I need to buck up, stop being a baby, rub some dirt in it, and just move on--no drama--no need for anyone to know about it but me.
There's another part of me, that says the best friendships can only be fostered in allowing people to see you when you are vulnerable. You have to be willing and able to open up to people. You also have to be able to let your pride down and be willing sometimes to let other people help you.
On the flip side, there are some things we have to do on our own, and should be able to do on our own.
This is a scale that I find very difficult to balance. When do you let your guard down, and let people help you... and when do you buck up, and work through it on your own?
This is my default setting, stumbling between these two options. But, I think there's something missing in that equation. Part of what's missing, is the Lord, the atonement. We can't do everything on our own, and that's something we all have to realize. However, there are also things that we cannot do even with the help of our friends. And so if those are the only options we allow ourselves, then there will be some things we will never be able to do. And I know that for me personally, that is something I just can't accept. I don't believe in the "glass ceiling." I want to be able to do anything I set my heart on.
My weakness then, is factoring in the atonement. Christ suffered in Gethsemane for our sins, our sorrows, and our struggles... he is what fills the gap between perfection, and man's imperfection.
I need to strengthen my testimony of the Atonement's ability to work in my life and not just everybody else's. I need to remember Christ's powerful desire to come and lift me up when I have fallen--to bless me when I am in need.
because the Church.. is True.
Helaman 4: 12-15; 22-26
There's another part of me, that says the best friendships can only be fostered in allowing people to see you when you are vulnerable. You have to be willing and able to open up to people. You also have to be able to let your pride down and be willing sometimes to let other people help you.
On the flip side, there are some things we have to do on our own, and should be able to do on our own.
This is a scale that I find very difficult to balance. When do you let your guard down, and let people help you... and when do you buck up, and work through it on your own?
This is my default setting, stumbling between these two options. But, I think there's something missing in that equation. Part of what's missing, is the Lord, the atonement. We can't do everything on our own, and that's something we all have to realize. However, there are also things that we cannot do even with the help of our friends. And so if those are the only options we allow ourselves, then there will be some things we will never be able to do. And I know that for me personally, that is something I just can't accept. I don't believe in the "glass ceiling." I want to be able to do anything I set my heart on.
My weakness then, is factoring in the atonement. Christ suffered in Gethsemane for our sins, our sorrows, and our struggles... he is what fills the gap between perfection, and man's imperfection.
I need to strengthen my testimony of the Atonement's ability to work in my life and not just everybody else's. I need to remember Christ's powerful desire to come and lift me up when I have fallen--to bless me when I am in need.
because the Church.. is True.
Helaman 4: 12-15; 22-26
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Stumbling
If you desire not to stumble, when walking down a rocky road... you must watch the path that you are travelling. Or else you will trip, and your knees, hands, elbows, and face will get a much closer relationship with the dirt your shoes had known so well.
This is true in all things... life is a rocky path. Meandering about is dangerous and unproductive. Tripping in life, is a much more painful experience than your average skinned knee or flesh wound... because the consequences are not generally so temporal.
This is true in all things... life is a rocky path. Meandering about is dangerous and unproductive. Tripping in life, is a much more painful experience than your average skinned knee or flesh wound... because the consequences are not generally so temporal.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Memories
Memories feel so close, and yet so out of reach. Pictures incite those memories, and help you to recall the world in which those images took place... the steps you took to get there, and the fun times that happened afterwards. But they are just memories. Those people aren't around anymore. There is nothing tangible for you to reach out and feel, nothing for your eyes to see.
Sometimes it feels like it never happened, and it really was just a dream. Sometimes when those people aren't available to you... you wonder if they even still exist. "Out of sight out of mind" turns to a kind of loss, because in some ways, they feel dead... like they no longer exist. A sort of ... shroedinger's cat, so to speak... because until we see them again, we really don't know whether or not they are even out there still, breathing and laughing and living.
Sometimes it feels like it never happened, and it really was just a dream. Sometimes when those people aren't available to you... you wonder if they even still exist. "Out of sight out of mind" turns to a kind of loss, because in some ways, they feel dead... like they no longer exist. A sort of ... shroedinger's cat, so to speak... because until we see them again, we really don't know whether or not they are even out there still, breathing and laughing and living.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Radioactive
Today's doctor appointment brought forth news. I'm scheduled for an ultra sound in three weeks.. and then a full body scan.. and some other such tests and such... and then my Radioactive Iodine treatment should begin soon after that!
I'm not really excited because it involves a whole heck of a lot of hassle.. and a lot of isolation besides that... and in all honesty, I don't really do very well with isolation! But I suppose my plan will be to avoid thinking about that part of the whole thing until we get a little closer to that point in my life story, yeah?
I'm not really excited because it involves a whole heck of a lot of hassle.. and a lot of isolation besides that... and in all honesty, I don't really do very well with isolation! But I suppose my plan will be to avoid thinking about that part of the whole thing until we get a little closer to that point in my life story, yeah?
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