Privacy

I think everyone knows that I'm really not that private of a person. I like being as open as I can... so far as I believe I can trust a person. And I hate that society today might dictate me having to make precautions like this but I just decided that no matter how personal what I put up here may or may not be... there are some people I'd just rather not have access.

Now I'm just hoping I don't get approached by anyone I didn't give permissions to... that I'd rather not give that permission to... because I really don't know how prepared I am to deal with that.

Movies

My taste in movies is eclectic. And to some extent... it's not something that anyone can really understand. I like your average movies... chick flicks, comedies, action, drama, whatever. But every now and then I go for a good depressing movie. I believe it gives me a wider perspective on life. Every life takes a different path, and some may seem more glamorous than others, but I think it's important to realize that every life has its trials. And each trial is tailored to you. So no matter the trial we face, we can make it work out.

A movie can be happy or sad. Sometimes both. And happy movies are wonderful things. I love the state of mind you're in after a really good happy movie. Give you hope. But how much thought does it inspire? When I watch a sad movie, (and I do use "sad" as a very weak and vague term in order to refer to a wide variety of movies such as tragedies, abuse stories, etc) ... I am forced to think. I finish that movie and I wonder, "What if it was me?" "How would I react to a situation like that?" "Would I react as well, or as poorly, or better?" "How am I the same? How am I different?" I think about the emotional turmoil and what must be going through the characters heads. I want to connect with them. On many levels, I do connect with them... and that is important to me.

If a movies doesn't make you think... it was just a fluff piece, used to fill up your time. And that's okay. But sometimes... you should pick a movie that will make you think.

Past and Present

You can learn a lot about someone's life by learning about their past. But the one thing I think everyone should come to understand at some point in their life is that you cannot judge a person by their past. By Christ's judgement alone will our hearts be judged. For man, it is our task to forgive, and as we have all heard... to forgive is to forget. You cannot learn about their present self, by learning about their past. Sometimes learning about someone's history is critical in understanding their perspective in life. But it still doesn't tell you anything about them in this very moment. Because everyone grows from experiences differently. Give me two people with the same history and they will still be very different people because they will have chosen to react to that history in a different way.

Everyone has the choice of deciding how they will react to every trial and blessing in their life. We also have the choice of whether or not we decide to grow from those experiences or allow them to push us back.

But it's a choice.
Always a choice.

Face Cards

I don't really feel like going into an in depth analysis or debate on this subject at the moment, but it was on my mind so I figured I'd say a thing or two about it.

My mother feels that face cards are of the devil. And yes, she will say it with that level of linguistic force. I personally am not necessarily one to side with this strict an opinion but I can relate certain aspects of the concept and agree on certain aspects.

Like the internet or money, I believe that things can be used for good or bad purposes. Face cards in and of themselves are not evil. Although, I wouldn't recommend debating that with my mother because let me tell you... that is one sure fire way to get on her bad side for a very long time. But I believe what face cards stood for in the days she grew up in is evil. Gambling, addiction, casino life... none of it is good. I also believe they were the video games of that generation. They encourage addictive behavior, and limit social skills when over indulged upon.

However, I believe that some card games encourage social interactions and can actually help people bond in a life-time setting. I enjoy a good game of Apples to Apples, or Pit because the social interaction is fun. I actually feel like I'm getting face time with my friends while playing those games... not getting face time with the institution of rules and strategy.

But growing up I took my mother's accusations very seriously. And whether or not I agreed with her I felt that it was important to respect her wishes. I grew up telling my friends I didn't play card games, so I never played. I have no mind for card games and those who have tried to teach me will testify that I'm definitely a slow learned and have never gotten past the point of being incompetent.

If caught in the mood... I'll try anything once. But if I don't enjoy it, or don't feel like the social interaction from the game is genuine, I won't play it again.

But as a general rule? I pretty much don't play card games. I dislike most all of them

Funerals

I went to my friend Jelly's mother's funeral yesterday. Though, since it's only 1 in the morning, it feels like today. Before the funeral, I tried to tell myself that it wouldn't affect me. I really didn't know Vanessa very well, but I have known her since I was a little girl. It's been atleast 10 years now I suppose, probably more like 12 or 13.

I'll never forget playing hide and seek with Vanessa, who was blind... I hid in the dryer. She found every one else in the house but me. It made everyone smile and laugh when I popped out. Only Emily would do something like hide in the dryer.

I don't cry easily when people die. I guess for the most part I tell myself it's okay, because I'll see them again. But I suppose from experience I have started to learn something about myself. It just takes a little time.

When my Grandmother died on my father's side, I was visiting my friend's house in Idaho. My cell phone had died, and I didn't figure anyone would be trying to get ahold of me in the first few days after leaving Texas, so I wasn't worried about charging it. My sister Kathy found my friend on Facebook and sent her a message. Lindy told me I needed to call my sister... which scared me to death because I couldn't think of any possible reason why she would be telling me this. I plugged in my phone and listened to all the many voicemails left on my phone in the last two days, before calling my sister. When all the talking was done, Lindy came up to me and gave me a hug, then asked if I was going to be okay. I said yes. She asked if I was certain, I wasn't going to meltdown on her. I thought I would be fine.

My grandmother and I were not close... to make it the understatement of the century. I don't remember the last time she spoke directly to me actually. I didn't think it would affect me. But lo and behold, many hours later when the whole house was asleep, it hit me and I cried. It's not that I missed her, because there really wasn't anything to miss... but she was family. And that meant that I loved her even if I never felt like she loved me back. Or believed in me.

I cried at Vanessa's funeral. It's not that we were close... Because like I said, I didn't know her all that well... but she was a wonderful woman. She knew the gospel was true with every single fiber in her being. And everyone knew it. She could make you smile just by saying your name or greeting you with a smile. She always made everyone feel special. She had the most beautiful spirit I will ever know. She touched everyone she met. And I believe everyone loved her that knew her even the slightest bit. And she loved everyone right back.

Of Anniversaries

Michael and I started dating December 2, 2007. Seems like yesterday... and it seems like eternity. I've been in the mood to relive things we did... and there's not a lot I can do. Trail of Lights for instance is now pretty much nonexistent. Michael and I had our first kiss after taking a walk down the Trail of Lights. We'd been dating for nearly a month. Thinking about it makes me miss him. Although I suppose that doesn't necessarily say much since sometimes I think just about everything makes me miss him.

I've been kind of slack about writing him of late. I need to get better about that. Time just keeps passing before my eyes... and yet it seems to travel ever so slowly. Funny how things work that way.

Maybe I'll make myself hot chocolate over a sterno can just to remember him by, this holiday season. That'd be tender.

R Rated Movies

Someone asked me at a football game a few month back, why LDS members (or as you might remember.. "Mormons") don't watch R rated movies. The easiest answer is because the prophet told us not to, and so in the effort to be obedient, we follow his counsel.

But many of us also know that in trying to answer this question to those inquiring... this sometimes doesn't feel like enough of a response or explanation. I was thinking about it today while I was driving, and my thought process went something like this:

Sometimes I am tempted to watch R rated movies. But then I remember how I am already affected by the themes and content that are presented in the PG13 movies that I do allow myself to watch. Movies influence us. Perhaps we don't always see it... but I do. Why would you watch movies presenting themes of sex and violence and language... When you have made a commitment not to break the law of chastity? When you have vowed not to have sex before marriage? When you do not believe in being a violent being? When you are training yourself to avoid the foul language you already hear so much in your every day surroundings?

Everyone's heard the question "My average day at highschool would be rated higher than that movie, why not see it?" Or something along those lines... But I present the following analogy: I may step in a pile of dog crap every day of my life. I don't enjoy it, but I get use to it because it's part of my daily routine. However, does this mean I would opt to swim in it every weekend as well?

We all choose role models. I don't know about you, but I make sure that my role models are examples of people who represent what I want to be one day. If my goal in life is to become like Christ... why would I choose to immerse myself in media that supports sex, drugs, and foul language?

I don't watch R rated movies because I know that the themes presented in them do not support the person I am trying to be. Their inappropriate content makes me feel uncomfortable with myself because I know that by watching them I would be untrue to myself. By this principle... it stands to reason that I don't even watch some PG13 movies because the same is true. It's not about the rating. It's about the content. It's about what that content represents... and it's about whether or not I have the will to control the petty desires of the natural man.

So, when your friends come up to you and ask "Why don't you watch R rated movies?" You need to ask yourself.. "Why don't I watch R rated movies?" Because the answer that matters most is the reason that keeps you going strong in your resolve. And for those of you that may be the person asking that question, instead of the one being asked...

Remember, that these people are your friends. No matter their reason, it is their choice. I believe one of the most important qualities in friendship is being able to respect and honor the values our friends embrace. If they believe in something, with all their heart... you have to respect that. Doesn't mean you have to agree... and it doesn't mean they are going to judge you for not living your life by the same principles..

It just means that as friends... we love each other for every piece that completes the puzzle of who we are. Every piece.

Nicknames Continued

My sister commented on my last blog, about nicknames! So I thought I should include the story to which she somewhat referenced. When I was about three and a half, my very first nephew was born...thus making me an aunt. But if ya'll aren't aware... in Texas, "Aunt" is pronounced, "Ant." At the mere age of three and a half years however, this fact was lost on me. My sisters and my mother informed me shortly before dear Andrew was born, that I would soon become an "ant" ! I very clearly remember being in the backyard when this happened, walking on the sidewalk that circled our pool. I wrinkled my face and crinkled my nose in response.

"I don't want to be an ant! Ants bite me!"
"I want to be a rolly polly!"

Rolly pollies were my favorite... and they will forever hold a special place in my heart, as I believe they do in the hearts of most everyone. My sisters tried to explain that they meant "aunt" and not "ant" and that it would be rather silly for my nephews and nieces in the future to call me "rolly polly emily" instead of "aunt emily" but I was quite adamant on the issue and stated the obvious.

"They'll just have to get over it!"

Atleast that's how I remember it going.
Now adays, most of my nephews and nieces just call me Emily. I'm pretty close in age to most of them, at least relative to the age gaps I share with my own siblings... so calling me Aunt is really far too formal and impersonal. Atleast in my opinion. Although on the off occasion, they will call me "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" But always with a smile on their faces ;)

Of Nicknames

My very first nickname was Hoot Owl. As a child, whenever I saw something I thought was interesting I would make the sound "Hoo hoo!" and everyone thought I sounded like a little owl cooing at everything I saw, so they called me Hoot Owl. I don't remember this of course because I was just a baby, but I do remember people telling me about it as a child.

In elementary school I had a few more nicknames. The first of which was Klingon. Princess Klingon if you asked me personally, but it was just plain Klingon to everyone else. You know that game where a child grabs onto your leg and you try to get them off? Well, that was my favorite game, and I liked to think I was rather good, thus the "princess bit." I'm sure I was seriously irritating... I had no sense of people's space bubbles just as a general rule. I also went by the name Juanita, but only in Spanish class. My third nickname for elementary school was Amelia Bedelia. My friends William Peebles and David Weidower liked to call me that and I hated it. ha, but who cares now, of course! ^_^ Oh, and Chloe Guenther used to always call me M&M. tender.

Freshman year of highschool my nicknames just spawned off like crazy! Beginning with Stalker. I don't really remember the circumstances, but I made up a "stalker walk" ... and let me tell you, this stalker walk was ridiculous. You can ask me to show it to you some time if you like, but I'll only show you if you're lucky! ha. Anyway... my friends thought it was hilarious and decided to call me stalker. That's the one that stuck the longest. All the others really just had random stories to them and usually didn't last for very long. Scribbles, because I drew on my arms in geography class... Poptart because I always brought pop tarts for lunch... Skittles--well that one was really only on accident. Siren, because I was so loud in the mornings when everyone else was so tired (that's the only nickname I refused to respond to, ha).

I've never really had any unique nicknames from boyfriends or anything like that... although that would be tender. I've always wanted something particularly unique and random... inside joke kind of thing, ya know? That had a story behind it so that it made sense. The usual "honey" "hon" "darling" et cetera don't count, ya know.

Lindy Lee calls me Amelia, because she's obsessed with french, and she thinks it sound pretty. And then there's always the normal shortenings of my name, "Em," "Emmy," that kind of thing. Every now and then people whip out Emily Jane. And in his letters, Michael refers to me as his favorite Texan girl. Or sometimes his cowgirl. And that always makes me smile.

But my favorite nickname of all time so far... has been "Amy"
One of my dear friends' father always comes up with a nickname for people, or animals that he really likes. And soon after I met him he started referring to me as Amy from Abilene. I thought it was the cutest thing, and I chose not to correct him because it was just plain tender. Someone asked him about it a year later or so, and he claims that they told him my name was Amy and he was just trying to call me by my name! But, I'm not sure I buy it! haha. Either way, he still calls me Amy from Abilene, and I'll love it forever.

But he's the only one allowed to call me Amy.
Just so ya know!

Waiting for a Missionary

I miss Michael.

Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.

I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.

One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.

Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.

And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.

I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.

But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.

And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.