Creation

I mentioned to my therapist on Tuesday that I had started blogging again. I really enjoy blogging actually because it helps me sort out my thoughts and makes those thoughts feel more concrete and purposeful. It's extremely therapeutic for me. And since I do it just for me.. It's a bit what I imagine a day at the spa to be for other people. And I enjoy giving people the opportunity to get to know me in a way you don't always get to know people: how they think. I've only really had one friend with whom I had a relationship where we were constantly asking eachother what was goin on inside our heads. I know she worried that it bothered me but I loved it.

Anyway.. I really haven't wanted to do much for a while now. I've dealt with depression for most my life but this last year I think it just spiraled and I just haven't wanted to do things that I used to enjoy. My therapist said it an extremely good sign that I was "creating" again. I liked that. Io suppose I hadn't necessarily thought of blogging as a creation like my poems used to be or my short stories or drawings.. But I have enjoyed finding joy in something again.

Tonight as I was thinking about that... I thought about other contexts for "creation." Creation of the world. Creation of life. Creation of Man and Woman. I thought of the promise we've been given that as we strive to return to our Heavenly Father, we will one day be involved in the creation of spirits, of worlds.. One of the most sacred and spiritual, celestial, Godly things we will ever do is to Create. So it makes sense that creation is a sign of being in a better place mentally, spiritually..

I attended a meeting today with the missionaries in my church, talking about people investigating the church and how we can best fellowship them... And I felt grateful to be a part of something again. A part of a committee ready to serve, ready to share their love for the gospel, ready to love. I felt grateful to witness these missionaries and their desire to do the Lord's will. I suppose it feels like another opportunity to create.. by kindling or re-kindling a testimony of Christ in others and perhaps myself too.

I was reading an old blog entry earlier today in which I described something about myself quite succinctly... That I have a hard time bearing testimony when I have not felt gratitude that day... Someone in church last Sunday was quoting someone when they said "gratitude is the parent of all other virtues" and I think that truly is the case.. So, I pray for gratitude, that I may be more prepared to bear my testimony of Christ and his plan for us.

Imperfect Candidates and Finding Perfection

In light of the election it feels only appropriate to share for a moment some of my thoughts on the matter. Regarding Hillary... The feminist inside me believes that she was a strong woman who would have been able to carry the mantle of presidency.. and I suppose some part of me laments that the "glass ceiling" remains. Realistically I don't think this election ended up having much to do with her gender, but more in regards to her character and for that I am glad. Although part of me worried that having a woman as a president would make our international relationships with countries that do not respect women more difficult, which is sad to admit but regardless true. I hope you don't confuse my sympathy on the matter of Hillary as a vote for Hillary, because I certainly did not vote for her. Having Hillary as a president would have set a horrible precedent regarding our attitude toward abiding the law.

As far as Trump goes... I am sad about the precedent he sets regarding our attitude toward women, minorities, and the example he sets for how we should behave as human beings in general. And I worry about our international relations with him as president as well since he lacks tact, and the ability to garner respect from others. Although I must admit that his business experience should have prepared him for at least faking both attributes (although you'd think we would have witnessed that in the months preceding the election). But, that's all just my opinion.

I read a post a while back from a woman who had been abused and her feelings toward the fact that there was even a possibility of having a man like Trump as president... For me, I don't take it quite that personally... But there is a part of me that knows that policies regarding the abuse of women could be injured due to his presidency. Having him as president does not teach America to be kind, to protect the vulnerable, or to expect valor from our men... It teaches us that men can get away with saying anything they want. It says men can get away with groping us. And as someone who has been there, done that... It is a little sad... If it isn't obvious, no, I didn't vote for him either. But there are lots of terrible people in the world and there always have been.. but good is still possible and it doesn't mean that terrible things have to happen. Trials are for growing.

But as surreal as this day is... My primary focus still has to be on me. My God. My kids. My spouse. My friends. Because I still need to clean my house. I still need to find joy. I still need to figure out how to be a better person, form and follow a routine for my kids, read my scriptures and write in my journal... I still need to regain the attitude of gratitude that I once had. I still need to be strong. I still need to have hope. I still need to attend the Temple and play with my kids. And of course, a multitude of other things ;)

Yesterday marked some positive things in my life like hearing that I was the perfect candidate for the anti-depressants I've been taking and that an increased dosage should do the trick.. Like deciding that I was fit enough mentally to declare yesterday my last day of therapy (with the caveat of course that should I feel the need, I will return)... Like realizing that healing is possible (not just for me but for others I know) and remembering that the atonement applies to me too.. And my family. I have hope and that is refreshing.

Two Sides of A Coin

Yknow I think one of the big things that makes it a little weird to talk about the inner intricacies of one's life in public forums is that then you may have people ask you about those things. I suppose mostly I like to think that I can live in a world where I tell people things in a blog and they secretly get to know and I don't have to acknowledge that they know because we just don't talk about it in person :p haha. Which is funny since at the same time I don't like people knowing things about me when I don't know if they know ha. So yay for unrealistic expectations!

I had an instance with a friend a while back where she noticed a book I've been reading that was recommended to me by my therapist. She asked me about it and I decided to be forthcoming and admit it was an assignment from my therapist. What most people don't realize about me I think is that I'm very good at answering questions honestly without necessarily giving much in the way of information. I give you as much info as I think you want/need/are ready for/I trust you with.. I strive for honesty because I prefer to have that policy with people.. But if I feel you don't need to know something/don't have the trust necessary for the conversation, I will answer the question in such a way, that it is honest, but not forthcoming and lead you not to ask more questions if possible. Anyway... Back to my story.. She then asked a series of questions really just in the mode of striking conversation, not probing/expecting it to lead anywhere particularly revealing.. Expecting to learn more about my family, and ended up learning a lot more about me than she intended. And yknow, that's just how it goes sometimes.. She felt really bad afterwards that she may have come across as nosy because she had asked questions that got a little more personal than she had intended. 

Which, I totally get! I told her it was fine but I knew she wasn't feeling at peace with it when she left so I sent one last series of assurances. This is why if I'm not comfortable with you asking the questions, I probably won't give you the information necessary to be led to ask those questions. Doesn't necessarily mean I won't be uncomfortable answering those questions of course, merely that for you, I am willing to endure that discomfort ;D ha. Anyway, the point is, while neither of us was expecting to have that conversation, I was fine with having it because I generally assume that if you're asking the questions, you care enough to know the answer, and she did. If I had felt she didn't care enough to know the answer, I would have given responses far more vague. And had I truly been worried about it, I probably would have hidden the book before her visit to begin with. I have with other people. Whereas, with her, I'm glad we had that particular conversation.

That's the issue with talking about things on the Internet. Because you have no idea who cares enough to know the answers and who does not. You're allowing yourself to potentially have conversations with people you don't trust and who don't love you. You're also allowing yourself to help people you don't know and who need love. Those are two sides of an interesting coin.. One whose outcomes are hard to weigh.

Rose Colored Glasses

I'm not that big into reading blogs. So, really, that leads me to believe most of the time anyway, that that applies to other people too. So, really, what's the point in keeping up a blog if nobody really reads it? But the fact of the matter is, that from time to time I do read people's blogs, and from time to time people read mine. And even if they're not, writing things out has always been rather cathartic for me, so, it doesn't really matter either way.

My favorite moment, in reading someone else's blog, is that moment when you feel like you get a real, true window into their life, how they feel. It's a sense of camaraderie. It's cheating in a way because you are able to feel that camaraderie, but they don't necessarily get to, because unless you choose to tell them, they don't even know that you felt that way... But still. It's another one of those things about blogs that can be rather therapeutic. Getting the chance to feel that there are other people out there that are experiencing something akin to yourself, or even just knowing that you're not the only one with crap happening beneath the rainbow glass window that everyone else gets to look at your life through. "The Facebook" image of what your life looks like. Cute selfies with your kids, and craft time. Cuz even though everyone knows that's clearly not a complete picture of what life is like, it's easy to forget. We assume everyone is living a better, happier life than we are. Well, maybe not all of us, let's not live in a world of absolutes ;)

So, one of my biggest dreams in life has always been to be one of those people that didn't maintain that kind of facade... someone who allowed people to know and see what was really going on in my life beyond the cute selfie moments. For a long time, I thought that was me. But looking back on it, that hasn't been true for a long time. I was always very very good at hiding my emotions. I remember the first time I wasn't good at hiding it was with my friend Emma in middle school. I could never lie to her and she always seemed to know when I was holding something back. I loved that about her, although it also scared me a little I think. Anyway, I think I became too good at hiding those emotions from myself too.

I have a hard time drawing the line of what to say, which is why I never end up posting anything on this subject like I wish I would. I have the tendency to overshare once I get going, and while I have this fantasized idea in my head of being some kind of figure head on my soapbox talking about abuse or feminism or depression or something..  No secrets. Elizabeth Smart style, yknow? When your story can become a cause that means something instead of just being something that happened. Because when I have had the opportunity to share my story, I generally have had the opportunity to help someone. So, why not talk about it publicly? Why not help more people? That makes sense, right? It's what I want. But I also still believe that there is a certain amount of trust that should be involved before sharing certain things about myself... Because sharing is being willing to be vulnerable, and I just don't do vulnerable very well. Been there, done that, rather not, I suppose.

Anyway, I don't really have a point that I'm getting at... this just seemed like the right balance of honesty towards what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, without super-duper over sharing ;) Ha. Most of me still just doesn't want to talk about anything.. but I also want to feel like things are changing and that means doing something different than how I've been doing it. Granted, there's a long list of things I ought to be doing/doing differently... but... one step at a time.

So, no promises, but, here's to writing in my blog again, even if it doesn't become a consistent thing. It happened, and I'm glad for now that it did ;)

Cheers

Motherhood

It's been a long time since I've posted anything, but I'm up late and it struck my fancy. Maybe writing will help settle my thoughts and I can sleep. 

Someone told me today how surprised a few people were when Michael and I decided to get married. We were too young, just babies. I suppose I knew there was some level of indignation based on prior contact, but I hadn't really thought age was one of the issues. And then people were surprised when we ended up being "good parents" despite our age. Which seems funny to me. At least from my standpoint as a woman, I know that the desire to nurture is something fairly innate. I have been a very empathetic, and nurturing person, I feel like, for most of my life. 

Becoming a parent, I admit, was a bit of a scary concept because I wasn't sure I had a good idea of a pattern that I wanted to follow. But I knew I wanted to be a mother from the time I was 6 if not younger. And when it comes to motherhood, I think that those that have the desire, have the ability to excel--no matter the circumstance.

Later tonight, I received a bit of advice regarding control. When it comes to those whom we are nurturing, child or not, we cannot always control their actions, and we cannot always provide punishment for their mistakes/wrong doings...(God's pattern, if you didn't notice). This is something that most of the time I feel like Michael and I have done rather well at regarding our son, despite the urge to expect perfection at times.. And anyone that sees differently... I think you're probably seeing a different side of things because we're attempting to control him for your benefit, not our own. What you might see is not the norm. And, I admit, lately my patience has been thinner due to being highly pregnant and emotional and wanting to cry a lot.

There's a big pressure in society and even in our own families to do things the way that others think they should be done. I greatly dislike it. But I understand why it's difficult for people not to expect things to be done according to their own expectations. But that pressure is doing little more than making nurturers everywhere feel insecure, unqualified and depressed. Tell me when was the last time any of those things led to good work or parenting? Yeah, didn't think so. Boosting people and encouraging the positive things they are doing is FAR more efficient and effective at encouraging and nurturing good behavior/parenting in those around you than providing unwarranted critique. FYI.

I used to be a much better nurturer towards people outside my family. It was something I prided myself on. I can't really explain what happened to lose that and it would take far too long to do so.. But I think I kind of felt burnt out, felt taken advantage of.. I didn't used to have expectations, acted unconditionally, but people kept telling me I needed to take care of myself too, make sure people weren't taking advantage of me...

And to some extent they were right, but I also think it's that kind of thinking that made it possible for me to feel burnt out. I feel very disappointed in myself, how different I am now than I was then regarding my ability to love people and loyally do anything for them. However, in the end, it was one of those relationships going awry that helped me feel closer to my own family again. So.. That's a line I'm still working on figuring out.. Since I also believe in the principle of putting on your own oxygen mask before someone else's. And focusing on my family rather than someone else, was a positive. 

But I also think of the principle, that it is not until we lose ourselves that we truly find ourselves.. And I think that's what life should be about.. I was never happier than when I felt lost in the cause of helping those around me. I never felt more like myself. I was only saddened when I began to think more about my own needs than theirs. Of course, I may also need to consider that it is possible to lose yourself serving your family, and there's nothing wrong with that! But I still feel like it's one of my duties to extend my love outside my immediate family as well.

So, while I still feel a bit lost, stuck, judged and far below my potential... I also know that I have potential, and that there is hope. I know I know how to nurture, and that's important. I think it's okay for my focus to be on my own family right now, but I also think my horizons need to be expanded.. And despite any judgement regarding any failings I may have as a parent or nurturer, I think I'm meant to do things my own way, with the help of the Lord.

I just need to keep finding new ways in which I can pull myself closer to the Lord again... I know it's something I'll need  with the coming of my little baby girl, and I know it's something I need for myself, to feel whole again. I feel far too distant from the Lord right now. Anyway, perhaps a bit disconnected, but those are my thoughts for the evening.

A Simple Prayer

This week I had an example of how sometimes our prayers are answered in ways we don't expect. And it was also a beautiful illustration of the fact that our Heavenly Father knows us. He knows what we need, and he knows it long before we do. I have been trying to climb up my spiritual latter so to speak lately, attempting to remove myself from the stagnant state I've been residing in... And this week I remembered, that all the times in my life that I remember being full of love and happiness and a desire to serve others and testify of Christ... Well all those times were when my heart was full of gratitude.

I remember giving testimony of the power of gratitude and what a wonderful motivator it is. Gratitude lifts us up. It allows us to love our God more deeply and with more understanding. And when we allow the Holy Ghost to guide our words, gratitude can give us the words for our testimonies. Without gratitude we cannot love God for we are not grateful for the many things He has done for us.

Anyway, this week I began praying that I could once again be blessed with that attitude of gratitude. One of the ways I achieved that the last time was by having my morning prayer be filled with only with things I was thankful for. So I had the intent to start again this week.

The beautiful thing about this is.. Two Sundays ago, someone was prompted to share a story in their Sunday school lesson. And on that Sunday I was prompted to send that person a random text thanking them for sharing their story. And that one text turned into a series of texts which turned into a friendship which led to hanging out in person which led to a series of more stories shared and more promptings and a closer friendship.

Last night (I mean Tuesday night) I was praying before I went to bed and I just felt overjoyed by the sense of gratitude I felt. And it was beautiful. And I realized.. That this friendship had been an answer to my prayer. And the answer had begun it's process a little over a week ago with just one little text. Did you catch that!? The answer to my prayer was already in the works before I even prayed for it.

So like I said.. Heavenly Father knows us. And He knows what we need a lot better than we do. I didn't know I needed a friend like her. I barely knew her if at all. I didn't even know I needed a friend. I didn't know I needed the conversations we've had. I would never have asked for what's happened because it was beyond my wildest dreams.

Let me go back to the idea that all I had to do was ask... I can't help but think... "Why didn't I ask sooner!?" Haha.. That's a powerful concept to grasp. I still need to do what I had planned. I still need to read my scriptures, find more opportunities to bear testimony, go to the temple, write in my journal, and pray to feel gratitude in my heart every day. Because you can't bank your whole spirituality on one experience or one person obviously. Unless that one person is Christ.

Speaking of which.. While we're on that topic, let me just mention something I was thinking about during General Conference this past weekend.. I like to feel independent. I like to think I'm an independent person. I do. But it hit me on Sunday I think it was.. That it is and always will be okay to be dependent on Christ. He is our savior.. So it doesn't even matter if I feel okay being dependent on Him or not because it doesn't change anything either way! And I think it's better to realize it and walk a little closer to His hand so He can catch me when I fall. Anyway.. I hope I can hold on to the last week and a half of memories made with my new-found friend. I look forward to making a lot more memories with her, and with a lot of other people for that matter. I look forward to being pulled up, and pulling others up with me. I'm trying to climb up myself as best I can, but Christ is there to lend a helping hand.

A brief interlude

It is always good to have done something good. It is always good to have made someone smile. You can never regret brightening their day or being the shoulder they needed to cry on. It doesn't matter if they neglected you afterward. It doesn't matter if you'll never be as close as you thought you could have been. You can't regret making someone happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. And it's ok not to be the one that made them happy. The Lord puts us in the places we need to be to serve those that need us. If it's not today, then it will be tomorrow. If we're going where we're supposed to go and doing what we're supposed to do, we will be right where he needs us, when he needs us. He helps us find those kindred spirits in life that can be near and dear to our hearts and lift us up in times of trial. But most of the time, we are just meant to briefly touch the lives of those around us. And that's why we need to make sure that we touch their lives with good and righteous intent, and leave them with a smile.

Stories Are Not Beautiful. You Are.

There's something I've been thinking about for the last couple months regarding the stories of our lives. Realistically if you've known me for long, or read many of my blogs, then this might seem like a familiar twist of something I've said before... but here it goes.

I get this reaction sometimes like I've done everything, or my life is so incredibly unique or something. I couldn't tell you how many times I've been told I was spoiled. And I couldn't tell you how many times that's irritated me, especially when it comes from my friends. I could care less about people who aren't my friends thinking whatever they want to think. But I suppose I like to think my friends think of me positively, and spoiled has so many negative connotations. But, I digress, so, whatever. 

I think in general at least, everyone thinks that that their life is pretty run of the mill. Life happens how it does, ya know? I mean, obviously we all have that moment when we think we're experiencing something no one else has ever experienced. No one understands me or how I feel. That kind of moment. But I mean really, who thinks their life is so spectacular that no one else has experienced a life similar to our own? As a general rule, I don't think anyone's life is very unique. At least not the bits and pieces. Maybe there's not someone else who has the exact combination of experiences that I have... but if you combined twenty or however many other people's lives together, I'm sure you could piece together the same experiences. Yes? 

My point is... I don't understand why anyone would think my life is or was that spectacular. I don't understand why it's that different from anyone else's story. But someone else out there, thinks that my life is incredible, different, whatever adjective you'd life to tack on there. And soon I'll explain why I think it's okay for people to think that, even if I don't think its true for myself. Obviously we all have our own stories. Obviously we all go through our own trials, and we all go through our own adventures too. But someone else out there has experienced a life similar to my own. And someone else out there has experienced a life similar to yours. Maybe I don't know their name, maybe I do... it doesn't really matter. 

Kay... now, let's not misinterpret where I'm taking this. I don't mean to focus on the "run of the mill" aspect. I mean I do, but I don't. I'm not entirely sure how to put this across in a way that will make sense. Everyone is the same. But everyone is DIFFERENT! 

I know a lot of people who have gone on missions. So, if you have gone on a mission, you may think that that isn't something "unique" in your life. It doesn't make you stand out. It doesn't make you any different from anyone else... right? But I don't think that's true. When I hear about people going on missions, the first question in my head is "why did they choose to go on a mission?" What was their motivation? What kept them going? What emotions did they feel while they were in the mission? What emotions did they feel afterward? How do those memories drive them now? The answers to THOSE questions are unique because they are personal. Those are the questions about people's lives that I live asking. That's what helps you get to know someone. 

Remember when I said we all hove those moments when we think, no one knows how I feel? That's because feelings are unique and personal. So I don't care if you think your life is boring. I don't care if you think your life isn't special. How unique your life is, is not determined by whether or not there is anything spectacular in it. You are unique because of the unique combination of every thing that's happened. And the unique combination of your emotions and thoughts and drives, are what make your life spectacular. 

You are spectacular because of what you feel. You are spectacular because of what you want, because of what you hope, because of what makes you scared, and what makes you cry. No one can ever take away the way you feel. Feelings are beautiful. Thoughts and drives are beautiful. The stories themselves aren't beautiful. The stories themselves don't matter. The stories are a means to an end! The stories are the means by which we can feel things! The stories of our lives are like one of Christ's parables, designed to open our hearts, help us learn the truths we need to love Christ. 2 Nephi 11:4 

  4 Behold, my soul delighteth in proving unto my people the truth of the coming of Christ; for, for this end hath the claw of Moses been given; and all things which have been given of God from the beginning of the world, unto man, are the typifying of him.

For this end, were we sent to Earth. That we might receive the stories of our lives, that we may find the meaning in our lives that points to Christ. That we may find his truth.

Anyway... I'm done. Hopefully that made sense, and put across something similar to what I was thinking. Feel beautiful for the raw truth that is the way you feel. Feel beautiful for the moments you've seen the truth of God. Forget your stories if it keeps you from seeing the truth, or feeling true. Be you. Be the typification of Christ in someone else's life story. Point them to Him. And you will get closer yourself.
The end.

 

Snapshots of Life

I want to talk about two things in this entry. I think I'll talk about the mildly silly thing first, just so that I can end on a more serious note.

First snapshot.

I love taking pictures. Or rather... what I think would be more accurate to say is that I love having pictures. I love having pictures of friends, and preferably, I like having pictures of being with friends. Pictures are wonderful memories. And I'd do a lot of things, and go a lot of places just for the sake of a picture. I think my mother kind of raised me to be that way. Even though I wouldn't describe my mother as being big into taking pictures or anything... she understood the importance of memorializing things like family vacations. And maybe of course, it's just a factor of having 8 kids and needing excuses to get out of the car on family vacations. But in my family, we never just drove to our final destination when going on a long car ride. We would stop at random cactus' and rocks and cliffs along the side of the road and take pictures. That is something I hope to do in my family. Those are some of my favorite memories as a kid. Stopping to take random pictures. I'm pretty sure some people just don't get it haha. But it's something that will always be important to me. I remember driving around in California with some of my friends, and we passed a giant Kokopelli. And the moment I saw it, I knew I had to take a picture with it. I think we were on the way to a baseball game or something so they said we couldn't stop, but they promised we'd do it on the way back. And let me tell you, an awful lot of people have promised me that, we'd take a picture with something "on the way back" and it never happened. So when they went out of their way on the way back to let me take my picture with that Kokopelli, I knew I was loved! haha. If you know me very well, you'll know that I love my Kokopelli.

In high school I took a lot more pictures. I took pictures all the time to the point that I'm very certain that a lot of my friends lost patience with it. I guess we all feel a little self conscious when people take our picture, and I took their pictures a lot! haha. I tamed myself down after the good majority of my friends behooved me to do so. I guess that's a good thing, cuz now I'm like a big kid who has to go to work and be boring and such. And it probably wouldn't go along with the professional image to be taking pictures all the time! But I miss it. I feel very free, and very myself when taking pictures. And taking pictures of my friends has always made me smile. And having pictures with my friends makes me love them more I think. That sounds weird to say. I think for now my friends are happy I don't take so many pictures though haha.

Second Snap Shot.

Today, I would like to express my gratitude for the friends that Heavenly Father brings our way in this life. I have had a great many friends in my day. Most friends don't stick around forever, which is sad. But in their time, they bring a lot of happiness and a lot of memories. And that is extremely important. But there are people I'm confident I could always be friends with until I'm a little old lady.

I think that in a true friend... they see positive things in us that sometimes even we, ourselves cannot see. Sometimes I don't think there are a lot of reasons to love me. But that's why friends are there. Because they are able to see at least portions of us through Heavenly Father's eyes. True friends love us for who we are despite the silly things we may do or say and I think it's partially because of the light of Christ.. And they can be honest and blunt with us because somewhere in their hearts they know that we see them through some portion of Heavenly Father's eyes too. So no matter what they say, even if it may come off harsh, I know that person loves me, and therefore, there must be a reason why they are saying whatever it is. It's why we're more likely to listen to a friend than a stranger.

My friends have helped me more in life than I could ever imagine. I mean... I first wanted to be a good little molly mormon child because I saw the example of my dear friend Paula. She hates that I wanted to be just like her I think. Really I just wanted to have a testimony like hers.. haha. Many of my talents grew from friendships. The positive memories I have to look back on in life often come from friendships too. I've been given the experience to help others grow through friendships. Just the very experience of getting to see some small glimpse of how Heavenly Father sees a person, is a precious memory. I would even say that it's an integral part of my testimony.

The strongest motivator I have to be good, to be obedient, to be righteous... I wouldn't have if I didn't have friends. The thing that drives me to seek a testimony of the Gospel... the thing that gives me the confidence that there is a plan out there for my life that I must seek to follow... the thing that tells me I can be with my family for eternity because of the sealing ordinances in the temple... is love. I remember feeling so sad. I don't even remember what was so sad at the time. But I just wanted to cry. And one of my friends just held me and let me cry. She knew exactly what I needed in that moment. And it's because she loved me. And it's because Heavenly Father knew exactly what I needed in that moment. That's why he blessed me with that friend at that moment. He blessed me because I needed Him. He blessed me because He knows I need to know He loves me in order for me to endure the trials that come from trying to follow Him. That's why I follow Him. Because He loves me. And I learned what that love meant from my family, and from my friends. I learned through the bursts of love I've felt when praying. I learned when it was time to go back to work, and I had to say goodbye to my little boy for a day.

I love Him. Because He loves me. And because He loves me, He shows me the way to friends that will help me get closer to Him.

Anyway.. guess that's a random combo for a blog. But I did it. So there's no arguing about it.
I love Him. And I love memories!

(favorite painting ever!)

Spirit of Service

I was sitting in a meeting the other day. And it was a pretty relaxed meeting. We were prepping for another meeting. And I remember sitting there... admittedly zoning out for a minute from the contents of the meeting. I was feeling the spirit. And I was thinking to myself... why do I feel the spirit right now? We're not really talking about anything gospel related. I don't feel like I'm learning anything. And then I thought... is it possible to feel the spirit and not learn something? Generally speaking when I feel the spirit, it's testifying of the truth of something in that moment. And I was just sitting there thinking... there's nothing going on right now... nothing I'm learning... nothing. Why would I feel the spirit now? I thought about asking someone if they had ever felt the spirit but hadn't learned anything from the experience... but it felt just like such a ridiculous thing to ask. 

Well, today I was sitting in the meeting that that meeting was supposed to prep us for. And I realized what it was that the spirit was testifying to me. It didn't really matter what those girls were talking about. It didn't really matter what was being said, or what was going on. I realized that those girls had been given the calling they were given for a reason. They are meant to have those callings right now. And that was a powerful realization.

Admittedly, I'm not that spiritual of a person. Less spiritual than I have been. And at the very least, I could be far more spiritual than I am. And I should be. And I'm trying to be more than what I am right now.

Anyway... today I led a brief training for the members of the compassionate service committees in my ward. I will tell you that I felt extremely unqualified to talk about the topic. When I think back across my college days I just think of all the times that I was so much better than I am right now! Once upon a time I was a Visiting Teaching Supervisor. It was actually a bit of a weird calling, because I was realistically doing a lot of things the Relief Society presidency normally does, like choosing companionships and all kinds of things. But whatever. Anyway... I had such a strong testimony of Visiting Teaching that semester. I wanted all my girls to be visit taught. So when my girls reported that a girl hadn't been visit taught, or if they said that they hadn't been visit taught that month... then I decided that as their supervisor, I was like the back-up visiting teacher. So I was visiting over a dozen girls a month. I had been struggling with depression so much that semester. But Visiting Teaching saved me. And it wasn't my visiting teachers that saved me... it was visiting teaching. It was serving others because I wanted to love people. I made cookies every week to give to my apartment complex. I made homemade bread for people on mother's day. That semester, I learned that serving others brought me out of depression better than anything else ever could. So I did a lot of serving to make up for the depression haha.

Realistically typing it all out makes it sound pretty absurd. I mean... no one can keep that kind of thing up forever, right? But I wish I could. I know that nothing will ever make me happier than serving people.

Now for the weird part. I look back on that semester and think... I had such a strong testimony of visiting teaching. I know it saved me that semester... and indirectly, it saved me for several future semesters because of the friendships I made through it. But at the same time.. I really haven't had a testimony of visiting teaching ever since that semester. Even though I have the memory of having a testimony of it, that doesn't mean I've still been able to feel in the same life changing-acting kind of way. Realistically, I feel like I've been a pretty useless lump of a person for a while now service-wise.

So I kind of seem like an odd choice for Compassionate Service Chair. Or the person that's going to talk about the doctrine behind service. And I was really stressed out about it!

Anyway... I really don't know how to explain it... I didn't feel prepared to give that lesson at all. But it went so well. And as I was talking, I felt truth in the words of the prophets I was quoting.

I ended my lesson with the following quote... and I was explaining that this quote made compassionate service feel possible. This quote made me realize that we really can be just like Christ, because he did things that were possible. He didn't just walk on water or turn water into wine. His days were filled with small, simple acts of service that anyone could do. I could be like Christ. You can be like Christ. It's POSSIBLE. I dunno, doesn't sound so profound when I type it out... but it just felt very real to me.

We can pray for our hearts to be filled with love for others. And that love is what makes us want to serve people. Then we don't have to look for the time to serve people. We will just make the time because those people will be our priority, no matter what. And that is always my goal and aspiration when it comes to what I want to be like. Anyway.. here's the quote.

Don’t those small, deliberate deeds mean the most when we are hurting? The kinds of service that Jesus gave in his earthly ministry were often of this sort. Charles Henry Parkhurst described the Lord’s style of compassionate service this way: 

“Christ’s ministry, from Baptism to Ascension, … is mostly made up of little words, little deeds, little prayers, little sympathies, adding themselves together in unwearied succession. The Gospel is full of divine attempts to help and heal, in body, mind, and heart, the individual. … The completed beauty of Christ’s life is only the added beauty of little inconspicuous acts of Beauty—talking with a woman at the well; showing the young ruler the stealthy ambition laid away in his heart that kept him out of the Kingdom of Heaven; … teaching a little knot of followers how to pray; kindling a fire and broiling fish that disciples might have breakfast; waiting for them when they came ashore from a night of fishing, cold, tired, and discouraged. All of these things … let us so easily into the real quality and tone of [Christ’s] interests, so specific; so narrowed down, so enlisted in what is small, so engrossed in what is minute.”

I just wanted to say one last thing. Old people in the Church are always saying that our generation must have been valiant spirits to have come to earth in this day and age. That we each were meant to come at the time that we did, because we were built for it in a way. The idea that we were ready for what we would experience here. Well most of the time when people say that I just think "I don't feel very valiant." You know what I realized today? We can choose to be "as valiant" as we were in the pre-existence. It is a choice. It is an action. It's something we can commit to. Through prayer, obedience, commitment, and action.. we can be as great as we were, and as great as we are intended to be.

And the Lord puts us in a position to realize the things we need to realize.

Anyway.. the end! Hopefully that wasn't too boring!
loves