You can learn a lot about someone's life by learning about their past. But the one thing I think everyone should come to understand at some point in their life is that you cannot judge a person by their past. By Christ's judgement alone will our hearts be judged. For man, it is our task to forgive, and as we have all heard... to forgive is to forget. You cannot learn about their present self, by learning about their past. Sometimes learning about someone's history is critical in understanding their perspective in life. But it still doesn't tell you anything about them in this very moment. Because everyone grows from experiences differently. Give me two people with the same history and they will still be very different people because they will have chosen to react to that history in a different way.
Everyone has the choice of deciding how they will react to every trial and blessing in their life. We also have the choice of whether or not we decide to grow from those experiences or allow them to push us back.
But it's a choice.
Always a choice.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Face Cards
I don't really feel like going into an in depth analysis or debate on this subject at the moment, but it was on my mind so I figured I'd say a thing or two about it.
My mother feels that face cards are of the devil. And yes, she will say it with that level of linguistic force. I personally am not necessarily one to side with this strict an opinion but I can relate certain aspects of the concept and agree on certain aspects.
Like the internet or money, I believe that things can be used for good or bad purposes. Face cards in and of themselves are not evil. Although, I wouldn't recommend debating that with my mother because let me tell you... that is one sure fire way to get on her bad side for a very long time. But I believe what face cards stood for in the days she grew up in is evil. Gambling, addiction, casino life... none of it is good. I also believe they were the video games of that generation. They encourage addictive behavior, and limit social skills when over indulged upon.
However, I believe that some card games encourage social interactions and can actually help people bond in a life-time setting. I enjoy a good game of Apples to Apples, or Pit because the social interaction is fun. I actually feel like I'm getting face time with my friends while playing those games... not getting face time with the institution of rules and strategy.
But growing up I took my mother's accusations very seriously. And whether or not I agreed with her I felt that it was important to respect her wishes. I grew up telling my friends I didn't play card games, so I never played. I have no mind for card games and those who have tried to teach me will testify that I'm definitely a slow learned and have never gotten past the point of being incompetent.
If caught in the mood... I'll try anything once. But if I don't enjoy it, or don't feel like the social interaction from the game is genuine, I won't play it again.
But as a general rule? I pretty much don't play card games. I dislike most all of them
My mother feels that face cards are of the devil. And yes, she will say it with that level of linguistic force. I personally am not necessarily one to side with this strict an opinion but I can relate certain aspects of the concept and agree on certain aspects.
Like the internet or money, I believe that things can be used for good or bad purposes. Face cards in and of themselves are not evil. Although, I wouldn't recommend debating that with my mother because let me tell you... that is one sure fire way to get on her bad side for a very long time. But I believe what face cards stood for in the days she grew up in is evil. Gambling, addiction, casino life... none of it is good. I also believe they were the video games of that generation. They encourage addictive behavior, and limit social skills when over indulged upon.
However, I believe that some card games encourage social interactions and can actually help people bond in a life-time setting. I enjoy a good game of Apples to Apples, or Pit because the social interaction is fun. I actually feel like I'm getting face time with my friends while playing those games... not getting face time with the institution of rules and strategy.
But growing up I took my mother's accusations very seriously. And whether or not I agreed with her I felt that it was important to respect her wishes. I grew up telling my friends I didn't play card games, so I never played. I have no mind for card games and those who have tried to teach me will testify that I'm definitely a slow learned and have never gotten past the point of being incompetent.
If caught in the mood... I'll try anything once. But if I don't enjoy it, or don't feel like the social interaction from the game is genuine, I won't play it again.
But as a general rule? I pretty much don't play card games. I dislike most all of them
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Funerals
I went to my friend Jelly's mother's funeral yesterday. Though, since it's only 1 in the morning, it feels like today. Before the funeral, I tried to tell myself that it wouldn't affect me. I really didn't know Vanessa very well, but I have known her since I was a little girl. It's been atleast 10 years now I suppose, probably more like 12 or 13.
I'll never forget playing hide and seek with Vanessa, who was blind... I hid in the dryer. She found every one else in the house but me. It made everyone smile and laugh when I popped out. Only Emily would do something like hide in the dryer.
I don't cry easily when people die. I guess for the most part I tell myself it's okay, because I'll see them again. But I suppose from experience I have started to learn something about myself. It just takes a little time.
When my Grandmother died on my father's side, I was visiting my friend's house in Idaho. My cell phone had died, and I didn't figure anyone would be trying to get ahold of me in the first few days after leaving Texas, so I wasn't worried about charging it. My sister Kathy found my friend on Facebook and sent her a message. Lindy told me I needed to call my sister... which scared me to death because I couldn't think of any possible reason why she would be telling me this. I plugged in my phone and listened to all the many voicemails left on my phone in the last two days, before calling my sister. When all the talking was done, Lindy came up to me and gave me a hug, then asked if I was going to be okay. I said yes. She asked if I was certain, I wasn't going to meltdown on her. I thought I would be fine.
My grandmother and I were not close... to make it the understatement of the century. I don't remember the last time she spoke directly to me actually. I didn't think it would affect me. But lo and behold, many hours later when the whole house was asleep, it hit me and I cried. It's not that I missed her, because there really wasn't anything to miss... but she was family. And that meant that I loved her even if I never felt like she loved me back. Or believed in me.
I cried at Vanessa's funeral. It's not that we were close... Because like I said, I didn't know her all that well... but she was a wonderful woman. She knew the gospel was true with every single fiber in her being. And everyone knew it. She could make you smile just by saying your name or greeting you with a smile. She always made everyone feel special. She had the most beautiful spirit I will ever know. She touched everyone she met. And I believe everyone loved her that knew her even the slightest bit. And she loved everyone right back.
I'll never forget playing hide and seek with Vanessa, who was blind... I hid in the dryer. She found every one else in the house but me. It made everyone smile and laugh when I popped out. Only Emily would do something like hide in the dryer.
I don't cry easily when people die. I guess for the most part I tell myself it's okay, because I'll see them again. But I suppose from experience I have started to learn something about myself. It just takes a little time.
When my Grandmother died on my father's side, I was visiting my friend's house in Idaho. My cell phone had died, and I didn't figure anyone would be trying to get ahold of me in the first few days after leaving Texas, so I wasn't worried about charging it. My sister Kathy found my friend on Facebook and sent her a message. Lindy told me I needed to call my sister... which scared me to death because I couldn't think of any possible reason why she would be telling me this. I plugged in my phone and listened to all the many voicemails left on my phone in the last two days, before calling my sister. When all the talking was done, Lindy came up to me and gave me a hug, then asked if I was going to be okay. I said yes. She asked if I was certain, I wasn't going to meltdown on her. I thought I would be fine.
My grandmother and I were not close... to make it the understatement of the century. I don't remember the last time she spoke directly to me actually. I didn't think it would affect me. But lo and behold, many hours later when the whole house was asleep, it hit me and I cried. It's not that I missed her, because there really wasn't anything to miss... but she was family. And that meant that I loved her even if I never felt like she loved me back. Or believed in me.
I cried at Vanessa's funeral. It's not that we were close... Because like I said, I didn't know her all that well... but she was a wonderful woman. She knew the gospel was true with every single fiber in her being. And everyone knew it. She could make you smile just by saying your name or greeting you with a smile. She always made everyone feel special. She had the most beautiful spirit I will ever know. She touched everyone she met. And I believe everyone loved her that knew her even the slightest bit. And she loved everyone right back.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Of Anniversaries
Michael and I started dating December 2, 2007. Seems like yesterday... and it seems like eternity. I've been in the mood to relive things we did... and there's not a lot I can do. Trail of Lights for instance is now pretty much nonexistent. Michael and I had our first kiss after taking a walk down the Trail of Lights. We'd been dating for nearly a month. Thinking about it makes me miss him. Although I suppose that doesn't necessarily say much since sometimes I think just about everything makes me miss him.
I've been kind of slack about writing him of late. I need to get better about that. Time just keeps passing before my eyes... and yet it seems to travel ever so slowly. Funny how things work that way.
Maybe I'll make myself hot chocolate over a sterno can just to remember him by, this holiday season. That'd be tender.
I've been kind of slack about writing him of late. I need to get better about that. Time just keeps passing before my eyes... and yet it seems to travel ever so slowly. Funny how things work that way.
Maybe I'll make myself hot chocolate over a sterno can just to remember him by, this holiday season. That'd be tender.
Friday, December 3, 2010
R Rated Movies
Someone asked me at a football game a few month back, why LDS members (or as you might remember.. "Mormons") don't watch R rated movies. The easiest answer is because the prophet told us not to, and so in the effort to be obedient, we follow his counsel.
But many of us also know that in trying to answer this question to those inquiring... this sometimes doesn't feel like enough of a response or explanation. I was thinking about it today while I was driving, and my thought process went something like this:
Sometimes I am tempted to watch R rated movies. But then I remember how I am already affected by the themes and content that are presented in the PG13 movies that I do allow myself to watch. Movies influence us. Perhaps we don't always see it... but I do. Why would you watch movies presenting themes of sex and violence and language... When you have made a commitment not to break the law of chastity? When you have vowed not to have sex before marriage? When you do not believe in being a violent being? When you are training yourself to avoid the foul language you already hear so much in your every day surroundings?
Everyone's heard the question "My average day at highschool would be rated higher than that movie, why not see it?" Or something along those lines... But I present the following analogy: I may step in a pile of dog crap every day of my life. I don't enjoy it, but I get use to it because it's part of my daily routine. However, does this mean I would opt to swim in it every weekend as well?
We all choose role models. I don't know about you, but I make sure that my role models are examples of people who represent what I want to be one day. If my goal in life is to become like Christ... why would I choose to immerse myself in media that supports sex, drugs, and foul language?
I don't watch R rated movies because I know that the themes presented in them do not support the person I am trying to be. Their inappropriate content makes me feel uncomfortable with myself because I know that by watching them I would be untrue to myself. By this principle... it stands to reason that I don't even watch some PG13 movies because the same is true. It's not about the rating. It's about the content. It's about what that content represents... and it's about whether or not I have the will to control the petty desires of the natural man.
So, when your friends come up to you and ask "Why don't you watch R rated movies?" You need to ask yourself.. "Why don't I watch R rated movies?" Because the answer that matters most is the reason that keeps you going strong in your resolve. And for those of you that may be the person asking that question, instead of the one being asked...
Remember, that these people are your friends. No matter their reason, it is their choice. I believe one of the most important qualities in friendship is being able to respect and honor the values our friends embrace. If they believe in something, with all their heart... you have to respect that. Doesn't mean you have to agree... and it doesn't mean they are going to judge you for not living your life by the same principles..
It just means that as friends... we love each other for every piece that completes the puzzle of who we are. Every piece.
But many of us also know that in trying to answer this question to those inquiring... this sometimes doesn't feel like enough of a response or explanation. I was thinking about it today while I was driving, and my thought process went something like this:
Sometimes I am tempted to watch R rated movies. But then I remember how I am already affected by the themes and content that are presented in the PG13 movies that I do allow myself to watch. Movies influence us. Perhaps we don't always see it... but I do. Why would you watch movies presenting themes of sex and violence and language... When you have made a commitment not to break the law of chastity? When you have vowed not to have sex before marriage? When you do not believe in being a violent being? When you are training yourself to avoid the foul language you already hear so much in your every day surroundings?
Everyone's heard the question "My average day at highschool would be rated higher than that movie, why not see it?" Or something along those lines... But I present the following analogy: I may step in a pile of dog crap every day of my life. I don't enjoy it, but I get use to it because it's part of my daily routine. However, does this mean I would opt to swim in it every weekend as well?
We all choose role models. I don't know about you, but I make sure that my role models are examples of people who represent what I want to be one day. If my goal in life is to become like Christ... why would I choose to immerse myself in media that supports sex, drugs, and foul language?
I don't watch R rated movies because I know that the themes presented in them do not support the person I am trying to be. Their inappropriate content makes me feel uncomfortable with myself because I know that by watching them I would be untrue to myself. By this principle... it stands to reason that I don't even watch some PG13 movies because the same is true. It's not about the rating. It's about the content. It's about what that content represents... and it's about whether or not I have the will to control the petty desires of the natural man.
So, when your friends come up to you and ask "Why don't you watch R rated movies?" You need to ask yourself.. "Why don't I watch R rated movies?" Because the answer that matters most is the reason that keeps you going strong in your resolve. And for those of you that may be the person asking that question, instead of the one being asked...
Remember, that these people are your friends. No matter their reason, it is their choice. I believe one of the most important qualities in friendship is being able to respect and honor the values our friends embrace. If they believe in something, with all their heart... you have to respect that. Doesn't mean you have to agree... and it doesn't mean they are going to judge you for not living your life by the same principles..
It just means that as friends... we love each other for every piece that completes the puzzle of who we are. Every piece.
Nicknames Continued
My sister commented on my last blog, about nicknames! So I thought I should include the story to which she somewhat referenced. When I was about three and a half, my very first nephew was born...thus making me an aunt. But if ya'll aren't aware... in Texas, "Aunt" is pronounced, "Ant." At the mere age of three and a half years however, this fact was lost on me. My sisters and my mother informed me shortly before dear Andrew was born, that I would soon become an "ant" ! I very clearly remember being in the backyard when this happened, walking on the sidewalk that circled our pool. I wrinkled my face and crinkled my nose in response.
"I don't want to be an ant! Ants bite me!"
"I want to be a rolly polly!"
Rolly pollies were my favorite... and they will forever hold a special place in my heart, as I believe they do in the hearts of most everyone. My sisters tried to explain that they meant "aunt" and not "ant" and that it would be rather silly for my nephews and nieces in the future to call me "rolly polly emily" instead of "aunt emily" but I was quite adamant on the issue and stated the obvious.
"They'll just have to get over it!"
Atleast that's how I remember it going.
Now adays, most of my nephews and nieces just call me Emily. I'm pretty close in age to most of them, at least relative to the age gaps I share with my own siblings... so calling me Aunt is really far too formal and impersonal. Atleast in my opinion. Although on the off occasion, they will call me "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" But always with a smile on their faces ;)
"I don't want to be an ant! Ants bite me!"
"I want to be a rolly polly!"
Rolly pollies were my favorite... and they will forever hold a special place in my heart, as I believe they do in the hearts of most everyone. My sisters tried to explain that they meant "aunt" and not "ant" and that it would be rather silly for my nephews and nieces in the future to call me "rolly polly emily" instead of "aunt emily" but I was quite adamant on the issue and stated the obvious.
"They'll just have to get over it!"
Atleast that's how I remember it going.
Now adays, most of my nephews and nieces just call me Emily. I'm pretty close in age to most of them, at least relative to the age gaps I share with my own siblings... so calling me Aunt is really far too formal and impersonal. Atleast in my opinion. Although on the off occasion, they will call me "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" But always with a smile on their faces ;)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Of Nicknames
My very first nickname was Hoot Owl. As a child, whenever I saw something I thought was interesting I would make the sound "Hoo hoo!" and everyone thought I sounded like a little owl cooing at everything I saw, so they called me Hoot Owl. I don't remember this of course because I was just a baby, but I do remember people telling me about it as a child.
In elementary school I had a few more nicknames. The first of which was Klingon. Princess Klingon if you asked me personally, but it was just plain Klingon to everyone else. You know that game where a child grabs onto your leg and you try to get them off? Well, that was my favorite game, and I liked to think I was rather good, thus the "princess bit." I'm sure I was seriously irritating... I had no sense of people's space bubbles just as a general rule. I also went by the name Juanita, but only in Spanish class. My third nickname for elementary school was Amelia Bedelia. My friends William Peebles and David Weidower liked to call me that and I hated it. ha, but who cares now, of course! ^_^ Oh, and Chloe Guenther used to always call me M&M. tender.
Freshman year of highschool my nicknames just spawned off like crazy! Beginning with Stalker. I don't really remember the circumstances, but I made up a "stalker walk" ... and let me tell you, this stalker walk was ridiculous. You can ask me to show it to you some time if you like, but I'll only show you if you're lucky! ha. Anyway... my friends thought it was hilarious and decided to call me stalker. That's the one that stuck the longest. All the others really just had random stories to them and usually didn't last for very long. Scribbles, because I drew on my arms in geography class... Poptart because I always brought pop tarts for lunch... Skittles--well that one was really only on accident. Siren, because I was so loud in the mornings when everyone else was so tired (that's the only nickname I refused to respond to, ha).
I've never really had any unique nicknames from boyfriends or anything like that... although that would be tender. I've always wanted something particularly unique and random... inside joke kind of thing, ya know? That had a story behind it so that it made sense. The usual "honey" "hon" "darling" et cetera don't count, ya know.
Lindy Lee calls me Amelia, because she's obsessed with french, and she thinks it sound pretty. And then there's always the normal shortenings of my name, "Em," "Emmy," that kind of thing. Every now and then people whip out Emily Jane. And in his letters, Michael refers to me as his favorite Texan girl. Or sometimes his cowgirl. And that always makes me smile.
But my favorite nickname of all time so far... has been "Amy"
One of my dear friends' father always comes up with a nickname for people, or animals that he really likes. And soon after I met him he started referring to me as Amy from Abilene. I thought it was the cutest thing, and I chose not to correct him because it was just plain tender. Someone asked him about it a year later or so, and he claims that they told him my name was Amy and he was just trying to call me by my name! But, I'm not sure I buy it! haha. Either way, he still calls me Amy from Abilene, and I'll love it forever.
But he's the only one allowed to call me Amy.
Just so ya know!
In elementary school I had a few more nicknames. The first of which was Klingon. Princess Klingon if you asked me personally, but it was just plain Klingon to everyone else. You know that game where a child grabs onto your leg and you try to get them off? Well, that was my favorite game, and I liked to think I was rather good, thus the "princess bit." I'm sure I was seriously irritating... I had no sense of people's space bubbles just as a general rule. I also went by the name Juanita, but only in Spanish class. My third nickname for elementary school was Amelia Bedelia. My friends William Peebles and David Weidower liked to call me that and I hated it. ha, but who cares now, of course! ^_^ Oh, and Chloe Guenther used to always call me M&M. tender.
Freshman year of highschool my nicknames just spawned off like crazy! Beginning with Stalker. I don't really remember the circumstances, but I made up a "stalker walk" ... and let me tell you, this stalker walk was ridiculous. You can ask me to show it to you some time if you like, but I'll only show you if you're lucky! ha. Anyway... my friends thought it was hilarious and decided to call me stalker. That's the one that stuck the longest. All the others really just had random stories to them and usually didn't last for very long. Scribbles, because I drew on my arms in geography class... Poptart because I always brought pop tarts for lunch... Skittles--well that one was really only on accident. Siren, because I was so loud in the mornings when everyone else was so tired (that's the only nickname I refused to respond to, ha).
I've never really had any unique nicknames from boyfriends or anything like that... although that would be tender. I've always wanted something particularly unique and random... inside joke kind of thing, ya know? That had a story behind it so that it made sense. The usual "honey" "hon" "darling" et cetera don't count, ya know.
Lindy Lee calls me Amelia, because she's obsessed with french, and she thinks it sound pretty. And then there's always the normal shortenings of my name, "Em," "Emmy," that kind of thing. Every now and then people whip out Emily Jane. And in his letters, Michael refers to me as his favorite Texan girl. Or sometimes his cowgirl. And that always makes me smile.
But my favorite nickname of all time so far... has been "Amy"
One of my dear friends' father always comes up with a nickname for people, or animals that he really likes. And soon after I met him he started referring to me as Amy from Abilene. I thought it was the cutest thing, and I chose not to correct him because it was just plain tender. Someone asked him about it a year later or so, and he claims that they told him my name was Amy and he was just trying to call me by my name! But, I'm not sure I buy it! haha. Either way, he still calls me Amy from Abilene, and I'll love it forever.
But he's the only one allowed to call me Amy.
Just so ya know!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Waiting for a Missionary
I miss Michael.
Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.
I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.
One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.
Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.
And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.
I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.
But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.
And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.
Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.
I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.
One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.
Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.
And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.
I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.
But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.
And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Life this Week
Life this week has been long and hectic... I couldn't begin to tell you everything that has happened and to be honest, you really wouldn't want to hear me talk about it for that long!
There was a death in the house this week. My mother's friend, Geraldine was living with us as my mother was taking care of her. I was upstairs in the room right above hers when it happened... forcing homework problems upon my nephews and nieces. It caused quite a stir in the house, as you might imagine... and I was tasked with keeping the kids busy upstairs so they wouldn't be downstairs as hospice and nurses and caretakers and family and all sorts of people came through the house. It was a long day for everyone.
There were mis-communications concerning funeral plans, and I had to field several angry phone calls... But I think I did a good job of deflecting their anger and not taking it personally.
Brandon got sick later in the week, and it ended up just being him and I at home while everyone else was either at work or helping my brother move... He threw up a couple times... once on the carpet, which I had to attempt cleaning up. After that I went to the store to pick up gatorade and other goodies for my sick child. Later in the afternoon he decided that every time he got up he ended up puking, and finally resigned himself to staying in bed... at which time, I also took a nap!
Today was long even though not much happened... One or the other of my various health problems decided to spike today and my supply of pain meds has done nothing to soothe my aches. I am happiest when curled up in a little ball.. but I've had several excuses that require my movement and so I haven't been able to stay in bed.
At this point, I am just ready to go to bed. Sleep sleep sleep. I'm glad this week is stake conference as it means I do not have any social obligations to fulfill, and it means as soon as church is over I can sleep.
I'm hoping things in my family will die down for a while, because I'm hoping to run off with my mother to our favorite camping spot. No phones. No drama. Just green therapy.
There was a death in the house this week. My mother's friend, Geraldine was living with us as my mother was taking care of her. I was upstairs in the room right above hers when it happened... forcing homework problems upon my nephews and nieces. It caused quite a stir in the house, as you might imagine... and I was tasked with keeping the kids busy upstairs so they wouldn't be downstairs as hospice and nurses and caretakers and family and all sorts of people came through the house. It was a long day for everyone.
There were mis-communications concerning funeral plans, and I had to field several angry phone calls... But I think I did a good job of deflecting their anger and not taking it personally.
Brandon got sick later in the week, and it ended up just being him and I at home while everyone else was either at work or helping my brother move... He threw up a couple times... once on the carpet, which I had to attempt cleaning up. After that I went to the store to pick up gatorade and other goodies for my sick child. Later in the afternoon he decided that every time he got up he ended up puking, and finally resigned himself to staying in bed... at which time, I also took a nap!
Today was long even though not much happened... One or the other of my various health problems decided to spike today and my supply of pain meds has done nothing to soothe my aches. I am happiest when curled up in a little ball.. but I've had several excuses that require my movement and so I haven't been able to stay in bed.
At this point, I am just ready to go to bed. Sleep sleep sleep. I'm glad this week is stake conference as it means I do not have any social obligations to fulfill, and it means as soon as church is over I can sleep.
I'm hoping things in my family will die down for a while, because I'm hoping to run off with my mother to our favorite camping spot. No phones. No drama. Just green therapy.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Judgement
If there is one thing that seems to be forming as a pattern in my life right now... it is Judgement. I watch everyone in my home constantly judging others. And while I understand where everyone is coming from... I don't really enjoy the constant negativity.
Then there's the other side of things... my awareness that people are also judging me. Even within my own friends and family. People don't really understand every angle or all the pieces to the equation. They don't understand what I feel or where my loyalties and duties lie. Everyone has different things that they prioritize due to how they were raised and what their goals are, and what their hopes and aspirations may be... And no one can truly understand all the variables that go into what decisions people make.
So why do we insist on judging others?
No, I do not currently have a job.
No, I do not currently have much of a life plan.
No, I am not currently set on a path that directly leads to a bachelor's degree.
But I do have reasons. I do have options. I do have goals and aspirations. And I have hope. I also have faith that everything will work out for the best. And if I don't know when, where, or how... I certainly don't think anyone else has any idea either.. besides God, of course.
So let's all give our friends, neighbors, family, and acquaintances a clean slate, fresh bill of health, and a little more of our respect than we were allowing before. Because we are all doing our best. That I do believe.
Then there's the other side of things... my awareness that people are also judging me. Even within my own friends and family. People don't really understand every angle or all the pieces to the equation. They don't understand what I feel or where my loyalties and duties lie. Everyone has different things that they prioritize due to how they were raised and what their goals are, and what their hopes and aspirations may be... And no one can truly understand all the variables that go into what decisions people make.
So why do we insist on judging others?
No, I do not currently have a job.
No, I do not currently have much of a life plan.
No, I am not currently set on a path that directly leads to a bachelor's degree.
But I do have reasons. I do have options. I do have goals and aspirations. And I have hope. I also have faith that everything will work out for the best. And if I don't know when, where, or how... I certainly don't think anyone else has any idea either.. besides God, of course.
So let's all give our friends, neighbors, family, and acquaintances a clean slate, fresh bill of health, and a little more of our respect than we were allowing before. Because we are all doing our best. That I do believe.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Fall fun
Sharon and Steve got a trampoline off freecycle the other day.. so we've got a pretty good sized trampoline in the backyard! Not as good as the one we had growing up, but still good. We've been jumping daily since! And taking pictures in the air of course! haha. It's been fun.
Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!
Oh the love!
Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!
Oh the love!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Complicated
well.. home life is currently ignoring the awkward intricacies that exist amongst our family relations right now.... so glad we master the game of pretend as children =/
I couldn't even begin to give a summary of the various kinds of drama that plague my home... and, to be honest... you wouldn't want to know. I don't even want to know most of the time. I try very hard not to know as much as possible actually... and yet I still feel plagued with drama. That's how bad it is.
Tension levels are high for multiple reasons.. I can think of atleast five off the top of my head. Everyone's emotions are pretty close to the surface about now, and there's usually some amount of yelling, screaming, fighting, general anger, or crying ... just about every day. Not to mention the use of breathing techniques. ha.
I hope we all gain something from this trial period.. That way it can atleast attempt being an experience worth all the fuss.
We'll be okay. I'm still okay =) So glad to have the church though.
I couldn't even begin to give a summary of the various kinds of drama that plague my home... and, to be honest... you wouldn't want to know. I don't even want to know most of the time. I try very hard not to know as much as possible actually... and yet I still feel plagued with drama. That's how bad it is.
Tension levels are high for multiple reasons.. I can think of atleast five off the top of my head. Everyone's emotions are pretty close to the surface about now, and there's usually some amount of yelling, screaming, fighting, general anger, or crying ... just about every day. Not to mention the use of breathing techniques. ha.
I hope we all gain something from this trial period.. That way it can atleast attempt being an experience worth all the fuss.
We'll be okay. I'm still okay =) So glad to have the church though.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Teaching
My major is American Government Education ... this is because I chose the degree in which I felt I was least knowledgeable in, and needed to know most about in order to fulfill my responsibilities as a good citizen.
Before that I was an English Education major, because I have felt a love for English for a long time. It always just seemed to click. But I don't really enjoy a lot of the over analysis that is necessary to get a degree in English. And of course Art Education, but that's just because I enjoy drawing, and am fairly good at it.. I also think I would have the most freedom in teaching an Art class. I've always stuck with Education no matter how many times I've switched my major because that is the one thing that I guess has just never even been a question in my mind. I like teaching, and I feel I've always been good at it.
But I think in all honesty, if I were to teach any subject... it would be 3rd grade math. Too bad third grade isn't categorized by subject just yet.. I'd have to get a degree in Elementary Education and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Besides... the only teaching I've done has been one on one where I could design my course to fit the needs of the student! I think I'd go crazy with the limitations placed on me by the school district and state requirements and a large classroom of varying personalities of children.
But I really do enjoy teaching it, none the less. I seem destined to it to a certain extent... seeing as I had the opportunity to teach my nephew Jonathan when he was doing third grade math... and now I'm teaching his younger brother Brandon, who is now taking his turn in third grade math. Coincidence, yeah?
Before that I was an English Education major, because I have felt a love for English for a long time. It always just seemed to click. But I don't really enjoy a lot of the over analysis that is necessary to get a degree in English. And of course Art Education, but that's just because I enjoy drawing, and am fairly good at it.. I also think I would have the most freedom in teaching an Art class. I've always stuck with Education no matter how many times I've switched my major because that is the one thing that I guess has just never even been a question in my mind. I like teaching, and I feel I've always been good at it.
But I think in all honesty, if I were to teach any subject... it would be 3rd grade math. Too bad third grade isn't categorized by subject just yet.. I'd have to get a degree in Elementary Education and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Besides... the only teaching I've done has been one on one where I could design my course to fit the needs of the student! I think I'd go crazy with the limitations placed on me by the school district and state requirements and a large classroom of varying personalities of children.
But I really do enjoy teaching it, none the less. I seem destined to it to a certain extent... seeing as I had the opportunity to teach my nephew Jonathan when he was doing third grade math... and now I'm teaching his younger brother Brandon, who is now taking his turn in third grade math. Coincidence, yeah?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Pride Cycle
When reading the scriptures... people always comment that they find it so absurd that in periods of history such as after Christ's death, it takes so little time for the people to dissent from the truth. We always think, "They had seen Christ! How is it that they could have strayed so far in only 200 years?" Or in other sections of the scriptures where the people were righteous, and then in just one generation they were wicked again worshiping Baal just like their great great great grandparents or what have you...
I've always wondered how many people realize how preposterous that manner of thinking is. I'll tell you right now that without even knowing a single clue as to the lives of my ancestors from 200 years ago, that I am a very different person than they were, and I'm sure I live my life very differently than they would have me living according to their traditions.
We should know better to think that way from the example of our lives alone. Just because I had a testimony when I was seven doesn't mean I didn't rebel when I was thirteen. Just because I had a testimony when I was fourteen doesn't mean I didn't stray when I was sixteen. I felt firm and steadfast when I was eighteen, and yet I have struggled since then. I have been righteous, and I have been wicked. And that cycle has happened several times within my own life, let alone in the time span of a generation or more. I think that many of us look back on historic times as a fairy tale void of the passing of real time, with real emotions and complications. But they're lives were as much of a fairy tale as ours are now. We place higher expectations on these historical figures, than we would ever place on most people we know.
It does not matter what miracles you have seen, and it does not matter what time you grew up in. Nephi's brothers saw angels and yet that did nothing for them. It is only the strength of our testimony and our faith that mean anything.
My greatest goal in life will be to foster the kind of faith and testimony in my life that can endure an entire generation. One that I can pass on to my children while they foster their own.
I've always wondered how many people realize how preposterous that manner of thinking is. I'll tell you right now that without even knowing a single clue as to the lives of my ancestors from 200 years ago, that I am a very different person than they were, and I'm sure I live my life very differently than they would have me living according to their traditions.
We should know better to think that way from the example of our lives alone. Just because I had a testimony when I was seven doesn't mean I didn't rebel when I was thirteen. Just because I had a testimony when I was fourteen doesn't mean I didn't stray when I was sixteen. I felt firm and steadfast when I was eighteen, and yet I have struggled since then. I have been righteous, and I have been wicked. And that cycle has happened several times within my own life, let alone in the time span of a generation or more. I think that many of us look back on historic times as a fairy tale void of the passing of real time, with real emotions and complications. But they're lives were as much of a fairy tale as ours are now. We place higher expectations on these historical figures, than we would ever place on most people we know.
It does not matter what miracles you have seen, and it does not matter what time you grew up in. Nephi's brothers saw angels and yet that did nothing for them. It is only the strength of our testimony and our faith that mean anything.
My greatest goal in life will be to foster the kind of faith and testimony in my life that can endure an entire generation. One that I can pass on to my children while they foster their own.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Something Missing
Over the years, I have more than once, come to a situation in which I struggle. I struggle to the point that I feel like I can't do it alone. The independent in me responds to that with a lot of pride, and says that I need to buck up, stop being a baby, rub some dirt in it, and just move on--no drama--no need for anyone to know about it but me.
There's another part of me, that says the best friendships can only be fostered in allowing people to see you when you are vulnerable. You have to be willing and able to open up to people. You also have to be able to let your pride down and be willing sometimes to let other people help you.
On the flip side, there are some things we have to do on our own, and should be able to do on our own.
This is a scale that I find very difficult to balance. When do you let your guard down, and let people help you... and when do you buck up, and work through it on your own?
This is my default setting, stumbling between these two options. But, I think there's something missing in that equation. Part of what's missing, is the Lord, the atonement. We can't do everything on our own, and that's something we all have to realize. However, there are also things that we cannot do even with the help of our friends. And so if those are the only options we allow ourselves, then there will be some things we will never be able to do. And I know that for me personally, that is something I just can't accept. I don't believe in the "glass ceiling." I want to be able to do anything I set my heart on.
My weakness then, is factoring in the atonement. Christ suffered in Gethsemane for our sins, our sorrows, and our struggles... he is what fills the gap between perfection, and man's imperfection.
I need to strengthen my testimony of the Atonement's ability to work in my life and not just everybody else's. I need to remember Christ's powerful desire to come and lift me up when I have fallen--to bless me when I am in need.
because the Church.. is True.
Helaman 4: 12-15; 22-26
There's another part of me, that says the best friendships can only be fostered in allowing people to see you when you are vulnerable. You have to be willing and able to open up to people. You also have to be able to let your pride down and be willing sometimes to let other people help you.
On the flip side, there are some things we have to do on our own, and should be able to do on our own.
This is a scale that I find very difficult to balance. When do you let your guard down, and let people help you... and when do you buck up, and work through it on your own?
This is my default setting, stumbling between these two options. But, I think there's something missing in that equation. Part of what's missing, is the Lord, the atonement. We can't do everything on our own, and that's something we all have to realize. However, there are also things that we cannot do even with the help of our friends. And so if those are the only options we allow ourselves, then there will be some things we will never be able to do. And I know that for me personally, that is something I just can't accept. I don't believe in the "glass ceiling." I want to be able to do anything I set my heart on.
My weakness then, is factoring in the atonement. Christ suffered in Gethsemane for our sins, our sorrows, and our struggles... he is what fills the gap between perfection, and man's imperfection.
I need to strengthen my testimony of the Atonement's ability to work in my life and not just everybody else's. I need to remember Christ's powerful desire to come and lift me up when I have fallen--to bless me when I am in need.
because the Church.. is True.
Helaman 4: 12-15; 22-26
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Stumbling
If you desire not to stumble, when walking down a rocky road... you must watch the path that you are travelling. Or else you will trip, and your knees, hands, elbows, and face will get a much closer relationship with the dirt your shoes had known so well.
This is true in all things... life is a rocky path. Meandering about is dangerous and unproductive. Tripping in life, is a much more painful experience than your average skinned knee or flesh wound... because the consequences are not generally so temporal.
This is true in all things... life is a rocky path. Meandering about is dangerous and unproductive. Tripping in life, is a much more painful experience than your average skinned knee or flesh wound... because the consequences are not generally so temporal.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Memories
Memories feel so close, and yet so out of reach. Pictures incite those memories, and help you to recall the world in which those images took place... the steps you took to get there, and the fun times that happened afterwards. But they are just memories. Those people aren't around anymore. There is nothing tangible for you to reach out and feel, nothing for your eyes to see.
Sometimes it feels like it never happened, and it really was just a dream. Sometimes when those people aren't available to you... you wonder if they even still exist. "Out of sight out of mind" turns to a kind of loss, because in some ways, they feel dead... like they no longer exist. A sort of ... shroedinger's cat, so to speak... because until we see them again, we really don't know whether or not they are even out there still, breathing and laughing and living.
Sometimes it feels like it never happened, and it really was just a dream. Sometimes when those people aren't available to you... you wonder if they even still exist. "Out of sight out of mind" turns to a kind of loss, because in some ways, they feel dead... like they no longer exist. A sort of ... shroedinger's cat, so to speak... because until we see them again, we really don't know whether or not they are even out there still, breathing and laughing and living.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Radioactive
Today's doctor appointment brought forth news. I'm scheduled for an ultra sound in three weeks.. and then a full body scan.. and some other such tests and such... and then my Radioactive Iodine treatment should begin soon after that!
I'm not really excited because it involves a whole heck of a lot of hassle.. and a lot of isolation besides that... and in all honesty, I don't really do very well with isolation! But I suppose my plan will be to avoid thinking about that part of the whole thing until we get a little closer to that point in my life story, yeah?
I'm not really excited because it involves a whole heck of a lot of hassle.. and a lot of isolation besides that... and in all honesty, I don't really do very well with isolation! But I suppose my plan will be to avoid thinking about that part of the whole thing until we get a little closer to that point in my life story, yeah?
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Assumptions
If you acknowledge that it is mine, you are acknowledging that it is not yours. Therefore, by taking it, you are acknowledging your own thievery.
I assumed people could follow college rules and think.. "Well this isn't mine, so I shouldn't eat it." But I learned today that when not at college, you can't make that assumption. It doesn't matter if your name is written on it, or how expensive people know it is.. they will eat it anyway, because it is available.
Which I understand to a certain extent.. because when at home you generally just eat whatever is around the house.. And of course I approve of that. People go to the store and buy things and bring them home and you eat them! But if someone writes their name on something.. that's generally enough for anyone to take the hint that it's not meant to be shared with the family. Guess that doesn't work for everyone though. I'm totally cool with people eating the things I buy for the house, just not the things I specifically write my name on. You can ask for some, or I can offer you some... but you don't just dig in. Right? right.
Result: restoration of a hidden stash in my bedroom.
I hate not being able to trust people though.
I assumed people could follow college rules and think.. "Well this isn't mine, so I shouldn't eat it." But I learned today that when not at college, you can't make that assumption. It doesn't matter if your name is written on it, or how expensive people know it is.. they will eat it anyway, because it is available.
Which I understand to a certain extent.. because when at home you generally just eat whatever is around the house.. And of course I approve of that. People go to the store and buy things and bring them home and you eat them! But if someone writes their name on something.. that's generally enough for anyone to take the hint that it's not meant to be shared with the family. Guess that doesn't work for everyone though. I'm totally cool with people eating the things I buy for the house, just not the things I specifically write my name on. You can ask for some, or I can offer you some... but you don't just dig in. Right? right.
Result: restoration of a hidden stash in my bedroom.
I hate not being able to trust people though.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Babysitting Weekend
Well hello there all. This weekend was spent in Hillsboro, Tx just outside of Waco. My sister and her husband were attending a finance seminar and needed a babysitter! So for two days I was on baby duty from 6am - 8pm. And today until about 10am as well, when his grandparent's on Josh's (my sister's husband) side took over. And I made it home in time to go to the singles ward session of church! Babysitting was way fun, and Jason is a perfect little angel. Best kid you could ask for as far as babysitting goes. I've never babysat for a baby for that many hours in a row before.. gives me a new appreciation for how often they eat and sleep!! Being around a baby so much, I've started noticing myself getting tired at all the times he's down for a nap! Even 10am! lol. It also gave me a new appreciation for parents of BOYS, because the perilious thought that every time you change their diaper, they might decide to pee on you in the process, is just a TAD bit frightening. Ha, and yes, I did get to experience that joyous wonder... gah. ha. Its all good though.
Can't say much right now, but there might be more babysitting in my future. But that's all still very up in the air. I'll keep you all posted though, you know I will =)
loves!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My Texas Home
Well, I've been bugging my friend Mandy to update her blog, and she finally did... so I figured it was time to update my own blog! Haha, since I haven't updated it at all since leaving Idaho! So here we go!
Last weekend my family celebrated the first ever Capps Family Reunion! Everyone was there but Jeff and his family, and our sister Brenda. And David's not in the above picture because he had to leave before we took said picture, but he was there! My oldest nephew Andrew and I had been planning a not so secret water fight for quite a long time it seems! And so it was rather exciting for it to finally happen =) In actuality, we had several water fights by the time all was said and done! I bought a bunch of water guns, and all of Chad's kids and his two foster children brought their own guns. So nearly every time we went swimming at the pool, waterguns came along with and we had water fights in the pool! And anyone without a gun always had the option of just splashing ;P
Melanie brought her Mary Kay stuff with her, and we had a little Mary Kay party with the girls the second night! And everyone got to learn how to do their make up. It was fun, but everyone sure crashed by the time we were done! The last official activity of the reunion was a water balloon fight! After which we returned to the cabins and had cake and ice cream to celebrate my niece Juli's twelth birthday!
So other than that, our activities were mini-golfing, talking, hanging out, and my personal favorite... changing dirty diapers. Hahahaha.
Since then, life's been pretty simple. Lots of doctor appointments for me this month, but that's not unusual. And more are likely to come. Yesterday Paula and I hung out, and we got our tshirts for our tye-dye project! Hopefully the tshirts come out good when we end up dying them, which probably won't be until next week. I'm spending this weekend in Waco, Texas babysitting for my sister! Little baby Jason! So, lots more dirty diapers to come in my future! But I will be back by Sunday for church, as it turns out, which will be happy. Because otherwise I was only gonna get like 2 sundays with my friend Paula!
Well that's all for now. Next upcoming activities are:
Tye-dying!
Hanging out with Paula!
My friend Colby's wedding in Idaho!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
"Blue Birds"
Once a little girl wondered, thought and questioned too
Yes she wondered why, oh why the sky is blue.
Mama looked at her and gave a thoughtful smile
And she gave an answer lacking in all guile.
“Many many blue birds flew away from home,
Wanted just to journey ‘til they filled a tome.
Travelled far and wide they saw so many sights,
Only feared adventure when they saw the nights.
When the morning rose they met and found the sun,
Liked him just so well that friendship had begun.
That’s when they decided they would never part,
Now they never wander, partners in his art.”
Now that little girl knew why the sky was blue:
Blue birds and the sun had a friendship very true.
Night had turned to day and the day had turned to night
Where were all the blue birds when it hit midnight?
Emily
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hoppin Around the Country Time!
Well, in less than 2 Weeks, I will arrive back home in the good old wonderful state of Texas!!! Shortly thereafter, I leave for a little vacation in the form of a FAMILY REUNION!!!! After that, I may go to Tennessee with my sister! ^_^
After that I've got a couple weeks at home, before it's time to fly out to Idaho for one of my dear friends' weddings! I might just be looking at driving all the way down to California from there with her family to go to the second reception! And after that I will of course come back home to my wonderful TEXAS! until such a time in far far away January 2011 when it will be time to return to good old Idaho ^_^
After that I've got a couple weeks at home, before it's time to fly out to Idaho for one of my dear friends' weddings! I might just be looking at driving all the way down to California from there with her family to go to the second reception! And after that I will of course come back home to my wonderful TEXAS! until such a time in far far away January 2011 when it will be time to return to good old Idaho ^_^
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Of College
Well, at this point, I really really am ready to just go home. My roommate Kelsey got pretty sick this semester and is going home early, THIS WEEK in fact. So after that I'll be all alone in the hostility that is my apartment. My other roommate has decided she hates me and Kelsey. Kelsey thinks that our roommate thinks we stole some book she lost or something... and we also think she may have heard us talking in a different apartment, complaining about things this roommate has been doing lately... sooooo now she has retaliated by blocking us all on Facebook and pulling stupid stunts like hiding the cable cord for the TV so we can't watch cable.
I have seriously evaluated every action I have taken toward this roommate, and while I acknowledge my responses have not always been the best I could have used... I believe that any mistakes I have made are excusable under the circumstances which I won't detail any further... because that would be an extensive description.
I don't like living in such a hostile environment though. Even people who have hated my guts in the past have told me that it was hard to do so because I was a very agreeable person to interact with. So this one sided hatred she has is something very new to me. I feel like I've done nearly all I can though. I've been trying to make sure her pet peeves are taken care of.. things like keeping the kitchen clean, et cetera.. and I've apologized for how I may have reacted to some of her rude comments.. and still no change from her.. so I dunno. I can only change my own actions, and after that, it's out of my hands... which means I can't stress about it! I think knowing that is what makes me able to deal with all of this.
But at any rate... it's almost down to TWO WEEKS before it's time to go HOME to TEXAS!!! ^_^ And I'm really super excited. It seems weird, like this semester has gone faster than the previous... but I will be so happy to be home, and without drama for at least a little while.
Time to start packing this week!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have seriously evaluated every action I have taken toward this roommate, and while I acknowledge my responses have not always been the best I could have used... I believe that any mistakes I have made are excusable under the circumstances which I won't detail any further... because that would be an extensive description.
I don't like living in such a hostile environment though. Even people who have hated my guts in the past have told me that it was hard to do so because I was a very agreeable person to interact with. So this one sided hatred she has is something very new to me. I feel like I've done nearly all I can though. I've been trying to make sure her pet peeves are taken care of.. things like keeping the kitchen clean, et cetera.. and I've apologized for how I may have reacted to some of her rude comments.. and still no change from her.. so I dunno. I can only change my own actions, and after that, it's out of my hands... which means I can't stress about it! I think knowing that is what makes me able to deal with all of this.
But at any rate... it's almost down to TWO WEEKS before it's time to go HOME to TEXAS!!! ^_^ And I'm really super excited. It seems weird, like this semester has gone faster than the previous... but I will be so happy to be home, and without drama for at least a little while.
Time to start packing this week!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Toleration
I tolerate a lot. In some respects I downright let people walk all over me. But if there is one thing I will not allow is disrespect. My worth is just as great as yours. Do not treat me as less. Do not undervalue me. I know I have great worth, and I will not allow you to squander that.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
PDA
If you wouldn't do it in front of your parents, then you shouldn't be doing it in front of anybody else either. You should have more respect for those around you. And if nothing else you should have enough respect for your relationship that you would want to keep that intimacy just between you and your significant other. No one else needs to see that. Ever. Ever. Ever.
And if you're going to argue that you would act that way in front of your parents... then I seriously worry for the level of respect you have for your parents.
And if you're going to argue that you would act that way in front of your parents... then I seriously worry for the level of respect you have for your parents.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sacrifice
My question is ... when does circumstance merit breaking prior commitments? Why is it that you put off one person for another... all the time, and yet you are never willing to put off the other person, even just once? Where do we draw the line of commitment to our friends and relationships? For whom are we willing to make sacrifices for? Because if you're not willing to sacrifice anything for them... I don't believe you really love them very much.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Roommates
My least favorite part of having roommates is that the moment you get a roommate that has a boy you are immediately subject to several days out of the week where your are banished from the living room for hours and hours at a time. Go find a nice lonely parking lot. Do not expect me to pretend like I don't live in my own house. Gah.
One day I will have my own livingroom, and my own kitchen. And I will never be kicked out of my own livingroom because it will be mine. Unless there is an exciting surprise on the other end in return for my being kicked out.
One day I will have my own livingroom, and my own kitchen. And I will never be kicked out of my own livingroom because it will be mine. Unless there is an exciting surprise on the other end in return for my being kicked out.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Support
It's hard to support people when you don't agree with what they're doing. Most likely its not your place to put forth your opinion, and it's so hard to withhold your opinion from someone you love so, much when you're worried about the decision they're making. But everyone has to make their own decisions, and you know you can't make decisions for anyone but yourself.
But it pains me to keep my mouth shut.
But it pains me to keep my mouth shut.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Change
You can only change yourself. Relationships work by always improving yourself, not by focusing on how someone else needs to change.
I can always be better.
I can always improve.
I can always be nicer.
I can always be a better friend.
I can always be better.
I can always improve.
I can always be nicer.
I can always be a better friend.
Constant
I think I've finally figured out a lesson that I've been given several opportunities to learn, and have repeatedly failed at... I've been looking for a constant, a dependable person to hold onto in life, to keep me grounded and sane. But people can't always be there for you. It seems like they should be able to be at least more often than they are... but I guess we just can't have standards that high. There are very few people in this world you can depend on, and even if they are--no one's perfect. And we can't expect them to be. Something tells me that I'll still be learning this lesson for a while... and I regret that. But I've grown up with high expectations, and when people started to meet them it only reinforced that mindset. But the higher the expectation... the more people fall short. And that's not fair to anyone. So I'll be doing my best to keep learning and reprogramming myself.
There is only one constant, and eternally perfect dependably being out there... and it is God. We all have to rely on our Heavenly Father, and turn to Christ and the power of the Atonement. And that is a lesson we keep learning our whole lives long. Depend on Christ. Rely on Christ. Turn to him when you need aid, comfort, and peace.
He lives. Turn to him.
There is only one constant, and eternally perfect dependably being out there... and it is God. We all have to rely on our Heavenly Father, and turn to Christ and the power of the Atonement. And that is a lesson we keep learning our whole lives long. Depend on Christ. Rely on Christ. Turn to him when you need aid, comfort, and peace.
He lives. Turn to him.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
"The Rules"
Am I the only one that thinks the "dating rules" are dumb and shouldn't even exist? One of my friends is freaking out because she went on a date with some boy and I think they may even have held hands or something, and now she's freaking out that he hasn't texted her since, and she is freaking out because she can't contact him or else she'll be "Breaking the rules" and I was like .... uhh... just break the darn rules. Grown human beings should not be spazzing about that. And she was like no, no all I know is that bad things happen when you break the rules .... honestly?
If it's someone you're going to be with... then Rules Do Not Exist. Because all that matters is being yourself with them. Which is why you should just be yourself all the time and never worry about it. Am I just crazy or does this make sense? And if the rules are something that impede communication which is KEY to ANY relationship, then they should be BURNED. Honestly. The whole world needs a lesson on the fact that communication is more important than anything else. Communication with your God, your intimate other, your friends, your family, your children, EVERYONE! Communication trumps all.
In my opinion... such "rules" are something tweenage girls make up in their heads because they're so twitterpated and immature, let's not forget... and the relationship will never be real anyway. And then random girls get poisoned by this mindset and get stuck with it the rest of their lives, and spend too much time worrying about the rules that they forget to be themselves and have a much harder time being happy and comfortable in the presence of a boy. And honestly.. how would a relationship EVER work, if you don't feel comfortable with them? Primarily, I think that the rules are merely another device by which communication is lost between men and women, because women are living their lives by rules that the boys are entirely UNAWARE of..... yes? yes.
If it's someone you're going to be with... then Rules Do Not Exist. Because all that matters is being yourself with them. Which is why you should just be yourself all the time and never worry about it. Am I just crazy or does this make sense? And if the rules are something that impede communication which is KEY to ANY relationship, then they should be BURNED. Honestly. The whole world needs a lesson on the fact that communication is more important than anything else. Communication with your God, your intimate other, your friends, your family, your children, EVERYONE! Communication trumps all.
In my opinion... such "rules" are something tweenage girls make up in their heads because they're so twitterpated and immature, let's not forget... and the relationship will never be real anyway. And then random girls get poisoned by this mindset and get stuck with it the rest of their lives, and spend too much time worrying about the rules that they forget to be themselves and have a much harder time being happy and comfortable in the presence of a boy. And honestly.. how would a relationship EVER work, if you don't feel comfortable with them? Primarily, I think that the rules are merely another device by which communication is lost between men and women, because women are living their lives by rules that the boys are entirely UNAWARE of..... yes? yes.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Signs of the Times
My notes from my old testament class today:
03/01/2010
Haiti earthquake
Chile earthquake [ALL IN NEARLY 1 MONTH!]
Hawaii's tsunami
Signs of the Times
When this thought came to me, I nearly cried. This is so obviously a sign that the time of the Second Coming is fast approaching. And I felt this overwhelming need to take out my endowments and be sealed to Michael, sooner rather than later. Obviously I will not pounce on him to take me to the temple the moment he gets home from his mission or anything... since we will still need atleast some time to get re-acquainted with each other's presence... and I shouldn't jump the gun... but as part of the arrival of the Second Coming, there will be more wars and more natural disasters, and there is no promise that no righteous man will fall during this time... And I don't think I could stand it if he died, and I had not yet been sealed to him. This probably seems overly dramatic, and premature, and perhaps a little immature, but that is the feeling that came to my heart.
Our job as saints is to teach the gospel, and gather Israel, and especially during these last days, we must depend on the Lord and wait for his coming. However, the term "waiting" does not mean to sit idly by. Instead, we must continue with a strong fervor of faith, to carry out his commandments and prepare the way for Him. We have been taught to seek knowledge but spiritual study and duty must always have a higher priority than the secular.
We have been commanded to multiply, and if we put off that commandment due to our fear of man, or our fear that God will not support us in our time of difficulty, then we are slothful servants. We cannot say "I must and will get an education first." With my new plan to get an Associates Degree, I see the Lord's hand in my life. I was promised that I would be given the opportunity to complete my education beyond highschool, and I have been given that opportunity. I know that if I was put in a position where I was trying to raise children and do school at the same time, my school work would suffer, and I would have a very difficult time with it, and so I see that I have been greatly blessed with the opportunity to finish my schoolwork first. But I will emphasize that if it came down to it, I would do my best to put forth full faith in the Lord and would attempt both, if it was my call to do so. I do not believe in the putting off of children. And I still acknowledge that I am very likely to be raising children while my future husband is still in school, and I see that that may be a trial, but I also see it as a great opportunity for many blessings. No matter our circumstances... if we trust in the Lord, pay our tithing, and keep his commandments, we will be taken care of--it may be a long time before financial security is felt, but we will always get by with just as much as we need: Like the lilies of the field. And I look forward to that day.
I do not want to put off for any reason, my marriage, or my children. Finances do not worry me, waiting for an engagement ring does not worry me, waiting for the perfect time that makes all parts of both families happy does not even necessarily worry me. I don't want a big extravagant expensive wedding, I don't need a long engagement. I already feel a confidence in who I will get married to, which means, when it comes down to it, I want to get married, as soon as it can possibly happen. I have always felt such a security in the prospect of falling asleep next to a worthy priesthood holder, and that is the biggest goal I have in this life beside having married him in the temple, and always keeping the covenants made therein.
03/01/2010
Haiti earthquake
Chile earthquake [ALL IN NEARLY 1 MONTH!]
Hawaii's tsunami
Signs of the Times
When this thought came to me, I nearly cried. This is so obviously a sign that the time of the Second Coming is fast approaching. And I felt this overwhelming need to take out my endowments and be sealed to Michael, sooner rather than later. Obviously I will not pounce on him to take me to the temple the moment he gets home from his mission or anything... since we will still need atleast some time to get re-acquainted with each other's presence... and I shouldn't jump the gun... but as part of the arrival of the Second Coming, there will be more wars and more natural disasters, and there is no promise that no righteous man will fall during this time... And I don't think I could stand it if he died, and I had not yet been sealed to him. This probably seems overly dramatic, and premature, and perhaps a little immature, but that is the feeling that came to my heart.
Our job as saints is to teach the gospel, and gather Israel, and especially during these last days, we must depend on the Lord and wait for his coming. However, the term "waiting" does not mean to sit idly by. Instead, we must continue with a strong fervor of faith, to carry out his commandments and prepare the way for Him. We have been taught to seek knowledge but spiritual study and duty must always have a higher priority than the secular.
"....Intangible things make just as ready gods. Degrees and letters and titles can become idols. Many young men decide to attend college when they should be on missions first. The degree, and the wealth and the security which come through it, appear so desirable that the mission takes second place. Some neglect Church service through their college years, feeling to give preference to the secular training and ignoring the spiritual covenants they have made.
Many people build and furnish a home and buy the automobile first--and then find they "cannot afford" to pay tithing. Whom do they worship? Certainly not the Lord of heaven and earth, for we serve whom we love and give first consideration to the object of our affection and desires. Young married couples who postpone parenthood until their degrees are attained might be shocked if their expressed preference were labeled idolatry. Their rationalization gives them degrees at the expense of children. Is it a justifiable exchange? Whom do they love and worship--themselves or God? Other couples, recognizing that life is not intended primarily for comforts, ease, and luxuries, complete their educations while they move forward with full lives, having their children and giving Church and community service. "
(President Kimball, Miracle of Forgiveness, pp. 40-41)
We have been commanded to multiply, and if we put off that commandment due to our fear of man, or our fear that God will not support us in our time of difficulty, then we are slothful servants. We cannot say "I must and will get an education first." With my new plan to get an Associates Degree, I see the Lord's hand in my life. I was promised that I would be given the opportunity to complete my education beyond highschool, and I have been given that opportunity. I know that if I was put in a position where I was trying to raise children and do school at the same time, my school work would suffer, and I would have a very difficult time with it, and so I see that I have been greatly blessed with the opportunity to finish my schoolwork first. But I will emphasize that if it came down to it, I would do my best to put forth full faith in the Lord and would attempt both, if it was my call to do so. I do not believe in the putting off of children. And I still acknowledge that I am very likely to be raising children while my future husband is still in school, and I see that that may be a trial, but I also see it as a great opportunity for many blessings. No matter our circumstances... if we trust in the Lord, pay our tithing, and keep his commandments, we will be taken care of--it may be a long time before financial security is felt, but we will always get by with just as much as we need: Like the lilies of the field. And I look forward to that day.
I do not want to put off for any reason, my marriage, or my children. Finances do not worry me, waiting for an engagement ring does not worry me, waiting for the perfect time that makes all parts of both families happy does not even necessarily worry me. I don't want a big extravagant expensive wedding, I don't need a long engagement. I already feel a confidence in who I will get married to, which means, when it comes down to it, I want to get married, as soon as it can possibly happen. I have always felt such a security in the prospect of falling asleep next to a worthy priesthood holder, and that is the biggest goal I have in this life beside having married him in the temple, and always keeping the covenants made therein.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Boogie Men
Sometimes its better if the boogie men of our dreams don't have faces. The moment they have a face, they have a real identity that can haunt you.
Rape Aggression Defense
For anybody who has not seen my Facebook status... haha. Or who wants a more detailed version of the story! I was speaking to a friend the other day, who made a comment that you should always pick a major that will lead you to a job that you will be EXCITED to wake up and go to each day. Being excited about your job can make all the difference in your emotional well being, your whole life long! And I started to think about it... looking at all the majors it is possible for me to choose... well if they were put against the option to major in RAD Systems (that is, Rape Aggression Defense!), well then, RAD would win hands down. RAD is something that I have a passion for--it is something that I love--it is something that I can't stop talking about! I think all women should learn this form of self technique. I have a strong belief in what the program teaches, and its ability to boost a woman's confidence in herself.
So what better plan is there, than for me to teach RAD? And, while I strongly believe in getting a college degree, I've never been a very academic person, so why spend the next 2 and a half years working on a degree or a major that I do not have a passion for? So, I am getting my Associates Degree. My major, technically is General Studies, with a Minor in American Government, and a "Cluster" in Secondary Education. After I graduate, I will go home and get a job until the next step of my life approaches! I'm also hoping to also get certified to be a substitute teacher! And eventually, when the time presents itself, I want to become certified in teaching RAD for Kids!
These career goals are good for me, because I love them! And because they allow me to make money, and aid my future husband in the paying of bills and all of that... but they also allow me to forever be able to fulfill my real life goal, of being a stay at home mother.
The Church is True! And truly, I have been guided toward this vocational find, by my Heavenly Father!
Love you all!!
So what better plan is there, than for me to teach RAD? And, while I strongly believe in getting a college degree, I've never been a very academic person, so why spend the next 2 and a half years working on a degree or a major that I do not have a passion for? So, I am getting my Associates Degree. My major, technically is General Studies, with a Minor in American Government, and a "Cluster" in Secondary Education. After I graduate, I will go home and get a job until the next step of my life approaches! I'm also hoping to also get certified to be a substitute teacher! And eventually, when the time presents itself, I want to become certified in teaching RAD for Kids!
These career goals are good for me, because I love them! And because they allow me to make money, and aid my future husband in the paying of bills and all of that... but they also allow me to forever be able to fulfill my real life goal, of being a stay at home mother.
The Church is True! And truly, I have been guided toward this vocational find, by my Heavenly Father!
Love you all!!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
English
If I were to have a most disliked word in the English language... it would either be "initiation" or "hate"
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Dino Dukies!!!!
While I take credit for perfecting the exact measurements and time to boil these lovely treats known as Dino Dukies (or, No Bake Chocolate Cookies, for boring people...!!), I must also give credit to Paula Prince! From whom the recipe was originally stolen!
Add:
1 stick butter
2 cups sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
1/2 cup milk
In a pot! Mix, cook on medium high - high (Stir continually or your chocolate will burn!!). Just before it reaches a full boil, set a timer for 1 minute and 30 seconds (for Texas!) or, 1 minute and 20 seconds (for Idaho!). Perhaps a few seconds longer if it's raining or something.
Turn off, and add 1/2 cup peanut butter. Stir in the peanut buuter, and then remove from the hot stove. Mix in 2 1/2 cups of 1 minute Oats (or until it looks good!)
Immediately spoon out onto tin foil or wax paper and let cool / set up!
ENJOY!!!! ^_^
Add:
1 stick butter
2 cups sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
1/2 cup milk
In a pot! Mix, cook on medium high - high (Stir continually or your chocolate will burn!!). Just before it reaches a full boil, set a timer for 1 minute and 30 seconds (for Texas!) or, 1 minute and 20 seconds (for Idaho!). Perhaps a few seconds longer if it's raining or something.
Turn off, and add 1/2 cup peanut butter. Stir in the peanut buuter, and then remove from the hot stove. Mix in 2 1/2 cups of 1 minute Oats (or until it looks good!)
Immediately spoon out onto tin foil or wax paper and let cool / set up!
ENJOY!!!! ^_^
Friday, January 15, 2010
Imminence
The future seems to be a massive blog of missing information.
How much stress and frustration is borne on wings of questioning the days to come?
How much stress and frustration is borne on wings of questioning the days to come?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Write my Story
My mind keeps traversing the winds of change.
Sanity is fading and it seems so strange.
Surrounded by the nearing future,
This time might have an author.
Sanity is fading and it seems so strange.
Surrounded by the nearing future,
This time might have an author.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Drawn Nigh to my Bosom
There is no greater pain, no greater estrangement from sanity, than the piercing daggers of love refrained. When he yet loved ignores or even lies ignorant of that very love you feel, he may very well draw himself nigh unto thy bosom in need of comfort or even in the blissful tenderness of slumber. In such a moment a woman must begin to feebly ponder the possibility of a hidden love, that may still reside, unfound, in your other's subconsciousness. And, to smell his scent, so closely to thy face and heart stirs a rippling process that can ne'er be ended without the destruction of ignorance, and then the embracing of feelings past and continually felt. For past can blend to future, and then meld into the present, that all in betweens disappear into a nothing--a nothing more quieted than any Christmas mouse--most likely because it is not fabled, and rather happens as a daily occurrence in the eternal round we fondly refer to as mortality. What is mortality without the mysteries of life, that daily tear us between the woes of pain and joy that we might appreciate the severity and blissful divinity in both emotions?
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