Varying Defenses

This is a little more sensitive than I usually go, but it felt worth mentioning. From time to time I have a certain genre of nightmares that hit too close for home. I really can't complain because they used to plague me. So, the occasional is better than the consistent. To make a long story short... in some ways I suppose I have even been grateful for these dreams.. because they are one of the reasons why I have a testimony of prayer. Because, you see, they didn't cease being a plague in my life until I prayed for them to stop. And, like I said, it's a longer story than that, but if you ever want to know you'll ask ;) I went years without having them after that prayer though.. and it was a sabbatical I greatly needed in my life at that time. It was such a breath of relief.

However, sometimes I find that prayer is not the immediate answer. In regard to these dreams... I often find it very difficult to pray because I cannot close my eyes afterwards without being bombarded with the very visuals I am wishing would leave me be. That effect can sometimes haunt me for days afterwards. In these instances, I find that my saving grace is being able to read the scriptures. They help me feel the spirit, help me clear my mind of my troubles, help me re-center my thoughts on the Savior, and bring me peace. Even after that, I often pray with my eyes open so as not to re-invite unwanted visuals from my nightmares, but I feel able to pray again, having been renewed in my defenses against the adversary. That is one of the many blessings we can receive from doing the things we've been asked by God to do, like reading the scriptures, praying, serving others... Renewed strength against the adversary.

And that is the moral of the story.. Heavenly Father knows us, and he knows that sometimes we need to find Him, find that strength and defense from the firey darts of the adversary, through different avenues in life depending on our present needs at any given time.  So just like each of us have different learning styles (auditory, visual, tactile, etc).. he provides us with different ways we can reach out to Him, learn from Him, and gain access to the Holy Ghost. And I certainly won't try to name all the possible avenues, because I'm sure that varies nearly as much as each of us varies... But it seems to me, an evidence of how well our Heavenly Father knows us, loves us, and wants to help us. Sometimes we just have to try different things to figure out what will work in whatever unique circumstance we're in, in order to find the technique that will bring us His much needed peace and protection that day.

Acknowledging the Elephant

Excuse me while I sound a bit like I'm speaking from my soapbox for a moment.. I spoke a while back about the idea that our trials, experiences or temptations, character flaws or mistakes.. don't have to define us. It can be tempting sometimes to feel overwhelmingly defined by certain things we struggle with..

What I decided tonight is that while we certainly should not feel any obligation to be defined by any one aspect of ourselves.. especially when it overwhelms us... it is okay to accept things into our concept of who we are. Sometimes trying to pretend like things don't exist makes them that much more overwhelming.. I think it has the ability to make it seem more important than it really is.. Feeling like we have a hidden factor of our identity that none or few people know... can feel like the elephant in the room, even if you're fully aware that you're the only one in the room that senses the elephant. Or you hope you're the only one ;)

So, while I still don't think I'd recommend letting any one thing overwhelmingly control your concept of self, or your concept of anyone's identity really... I do think it's good/okay to incorporate new things. 

I've discussed the concept of labeling theory with quite a few people over the years. Receiving a label can be scary because you don't want to be defined by that label, or by the stereotypes of that label. But at the same time I think receiving a label can be very helpful because it can open the door to resources otherwise unavailable, and it can help answer a lot of questions. And having an explanation for why you are the way you are can be very soothing and relieve concerns regarding shame.

But the way it feels like it applies here, to me anyway, is that perhaps defining yourself or others by a solitary thing is where the negative aspects of labeling theory come in (self fulfilling prophecies, stereotypes, etc).. whereas, if we are able to incorporate new (or old) trials, experiences, temptations etc into our concept of self... rather than let these new additions replace our old self-concepts.. if we acknowledge them instead of ignoring them.. then we better enable ourselves to deal with them, combat them, build upon them, we enable ourselves to progress rather than remain stagnant. And I'm not necessarily saying you have to or should acknowledge these things to people in the world.. that's something only you could decide..

I'm merely saying that I believe there is a lot of power in giving yourself access to that knowledge (admitting it to yourself) without allowing it to define you. 

Chocolate Promptings

Today I had one of those small, seemingly insignificant things happen that ended up being rather comforting. I went to a meeting today, and before I left I grabbed a piece of chocolate from the bag my husband had bought me for Mother's Day because he knew my stash needed replenishing. Very sweet since he's doing a no sugar diet himself right now. I will always admire his ability for self control.

Anyway, I wasn't even really in the mood for the piece of chocolate so I wasn't entirely sure why I was grabbing it but I did anyway. Driving to my meeting I thought about eating it, but still, only because it was there and not really because I wanted it, so I figured I'd save it for my drive home. After the meeting, (which was good for me by the way, for multiple reasons, I laughed, I felt inspired, I felt lifted, but otherwise it's a totally different story from the one I'm currently telling!).. anyway, after the meeting I stopped at Walmart to get one last cardboard box for the cardboard castle I'm making for my son's birthday party this weekend. Walking through any grocery store is always hard for me. I know you wouldn't think it to look at me but desserts are such a temptation for me. I see all the yummies and I want the yummies!

But, I told myself that I still had that piece of chocolate waiting for me in the car to satisfy the craving, and therefore had no need to buy anything else while at the store. Now.. I know this seems small and random, but I've been praying to be helped in not spending money I don't need to spend, including money on tempting yummies.. and so the fact that I had been prompted to bring that piece of chocolate with me when I didn't even want it at the time... when it allowed me to say No to the food in the store.. was very comforting. And I'm sure it makes my dear hubby proud ;)

It's just one of those things where you know... that if Heavenly Father can care about the smaller problems in your life, and help prepare you for them.. then he certainly cares enough about you to help prepare you for the larger problems in life too. He's not necessarily going to fix them right away or take the issue away, or magically put candy in your hands.. but he can guide us as to what we need to bring along on our journeys to be most fit for the challenges coming our way, even if that just requires a little piece of chocolate :) it's just up to us to listen even when the instructions don't always make sense in the moment.

Providence in Healing

My second week going to the Addiction Recovery Program meetings, someone shared their story with the disclaimer statement of "I don't usually go into this much detail, but I'm feeling prompted to tonight for whatever reason." I was at least one of those reasons. His story was exactly what I needed to hear that day. It helped me feel like there was indeed a reason for me to be going to these meetings. And it put into words things I hadn't quite figured out yet. It didn't matter that his story was different than mine, we had things in common that were helpful for me.

Yesterday I think I had the opportunity to do that for someone else. It was interesting because while the step was good yesterday, nothing really stood out for me especially--at least in part because I'm not really there yet. So when it came to sharing time I was pretty sure I was going to pass. And when it came to start sharing time two different people raised their hands to start the sharing. Had a different person been called on, I probably wouldn't have shared what I did. So there's your "coincidence" / inspiration of the missionaries that lead the group that set the scene (providence). I was still feeling pretty certain I was going to pass until the same person shared that had been the one to go into more detail during my second time attending the group. I have no idea what triggered it... it really didn't have anything to do with what he said... I just began to think about how honest and meek the men are that attend the group. I was thinking about how I still have a lot to learn from them when it comes to being able to admit my struggles. And that's when my thoughts began to form regarding what I was to share. I almost changed my mind when someone further down the line shared something. Certain worries came to mind...And I admit, there are a few people in the group that know me and I worry about their perspectives of me changing with fuller knowledge of my struggles. But I'm not the only one in the group that knows other people there. Other people have commented on it being harder to share knowing people there, and they did it anyway because it's supposed to be a safe space, because healing is more important than fear of judgement. And because part of healing is accepting that you can't control what others think of you. And I had to remind myself that the knowledge I have of their struggles doesn't affect how I think of them, and so I had to trust in them just like they trust in me when they share. That's hard. But it's also something I need to practice, and I know it.

Anyway, I essentially commented on my admiration for the willingness of the others in the group to be so open and forthright before sharing my struggle in a little more detail than I ever had previously. My hands were shaking and my anxiety was still high regarding what the consequence might be of certain people learning this about me, but yknow, by then, it had already been said, so what could I do now? And I still doubted whether or not it was even a good idea.. but there was still a whisper in my mind that there was a reason it had entered my mind. It was not an accident.

Finally, someone after me shared... and their story was nearly identical to my own. It was their first time sharing. And a peace entered my heart because I felt an assurance that I had set the scene for them to feel safer sharing their own story. That's not to say that I was without any sense of anxiety regarding previously stated concerns... but the peace made it worth it. And one of the most important parts of healing I think, is being able to help others again. And that someone thanked me for sharing after the meeting was over. And another sweet soul gave me a hug after the meeting. The meetings really are special because I think we really do love and care for one another and each other's progress even if we don't really know each other.

I began to wish that the person I feel anxiety over would be inspired to come up to me after the meeting and express some assurance. But that didn't happen, I even had the thought that I could approach them, but they were gone in a flash. But someone else came up to me and did that very thing. And it's not someone I really felt that much anxiety over, but it was still sweet of course. And it felt like another moment of providence... maybe it wasn't the someone I was hoping for, but assurance was given, and it made me feel God's love for me.

There is peace in providence despite whatever consequences that may or may not come.

Forging Identity, Eternal Family

I took part in a conversation recently where someone was describing someone's fears for being judged for his past. Someone else retorted something along the lines of "then just don't talk about your past." I generally keep my mouth shut in these kinds of moments, not necessarily because I don't want to make it a point of confrontation, because if it's important enough to me, I will anyway.. but more so because I can't easily reply without revealing more about myself than the situation makes comfortable.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I would feel if I were in the position of investigating the LDS church. Could I be converted to the point of being willing and eager to change my habits and my lifestyle? Would I be brave enough to change? Would I be humble enough to let go of so many ideas I had grown up with? Would I be meek enough to deal with any judgement I may receive from imperfect members regarding my imperfect life? The thought has really put the character of converts in perspective for me. I have come to really honor and respect that willingness to accept truths that have the power to create so much change in your life. To be willing to act on it regardless of the personal sacrifice and humility required.. that is awe inspiring.

I understand the fear of putting yourself in a room full of people, or a church full of people who may not agree with your life choices. I understand the fear of judgement for your past, and even your present. We each have faults and regardless of how many times we say that we're aware everyone has them, it does not take away our fear that someone will judge us for our unique situation. Sometimes I feel so encased and surrounded by my own struggles that it feels hard to consider that suggestion to just "not talk about it" because it's a big part of what I'm experiencing, what I have experienced... and how do you get to know someone without learning those things? And I'm totally willing to admit that that speaks to a personal character weakness of mine. But the point is, sometimes feeling like you can't talk about something makes you feel like you're about to explode. If things are fully resolved, I think it's easier to just "not talk about it."

When I first mentioned that I was attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I think I mentioned that a big part of why I was going was to figure out a new perspective on my identity. The issue being that I realized that I have incorporated too much of my problems into my personally defined "identity" which causes a lot of problems. The ARP program is pretty centered on the atonement and focusing on God's intended identity for you. My point being, that that feeling of "needing to talk about it" comes from feeling like it's part of my identity and you can't know me without knowing about it. When really, it's not a prerequisite for "knowing" me... my identity is not only one thing. I am made up of lots of moments and thoughts and feelings. One moment is not necessarily greater than the combined whole of a thousand other things. I am not my flaws. I am not my struggles. I am who I choose to be because of or despite of those things. Good to remind myself of that ;)

I think the greatest change that can come to a convert's identity by accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ... is gaining the knowledge that they are a child of God. I think sometimes members forget that a little bit and focus more on all the negative things they are.. but forever and always, one of the biggest parts of our identity will be royal children of a Heavenly Father. No matter what our faults are, they should never be cause for someone who understands that you are a child of a Heavenly Father, to ever stop loving you or caring for you. Because we're family. And you are royalty. 

So regardless of your past, and regardless of your present, there will always be cause for acceptance and love, in the LDS Church.

It took me a long time to figure out family. I remember being really frustrated with a friend of mine back in high school for putting her family first. I didn't get that. I'd hang out with a friend over family any day. I won't describe right now, the moments that it hit me.. but one day I realized that it didn't matter what relationship or lack thereof I had with my family.. I loved them with all my heart. And I wanted to be sealed to them for eternity because that was a sacred bond worth upholding. It didn't matter if I was close to them or if I liked them at any given moment, or if we'd ever even met. They were family. It's one of the few things I think really puts the LDS church apart from other Christian churches.. the concept that you can be sealed to your family, and to your spouse, to your children--for eternity. A promise from God that you will be with them no matter what happens on this earth. I think.. had I grown up without the church.. that principle is what would have led me to be baptized had I been put in a position to investigate the church. At least I hope so. Because it allowed me to have hope for relationships with family members who aren't even alive anymore with whom I did not have pleasant relationships with.

Someone said something recently that really stuck out to me.
"You can talk to God about anything because he won't judge you. It's not his time to judge yet."

That really synced for me with the idea that life isn't about the sum total of your good and bad deeds or experiences.. it's who you become because of them. God doesn't judge us now, because we're still working on the becoming. I found it really comforting. And regardless of those individual moments that make up our unique lives.. we have all been endowed with the power of creation. And part of that power is the ability to create ourselves. To create our identity, who we become. I hope I can be more like those converts. Humble, and so loving and dedicated to the Lord's plan that I have that willing heart to become who He needs me to become, rather than who I would be tempted to be without him.

Leaping with Faith

It's been a few week's since I've managed it, but I went to an Addiction Recovery Meeting last night. I hit a week where I was feeling more so like staying home, and I didn't feel like I needed to go that day. I don't know why I listened. I've had that feeling a dozen times, and every time I went, the step for that week spoke to me, or something someone had to say hit home for me. Last night I was feeling like I really needed to go. And when I found out what step we were on, I admit I kind of got bummed because it's a step I haven't felt particularly inspired by or ready for in the past. But it spoke to some self-realizations I've had this week among other things.

I'll share with you some of what stood out to me. 
"As time passed, though, we noticed that abstinence seemed to make our character weaknesses more visible, especially to ourselves. We tried to control our negative thoughts and feelings, but they continued to reappear, haunting us and threatening our new lives...."

"You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stress in life--maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions."
I wish I could remember exactly how I said it last night in the meeting, because it came out rather well. But, I've been feeling frustrated with myself lately. I've been able to go through years where my "addiction" wasn't a focus. It wasn't on my mind, and in a sense I was able to forget about it. It didn't feel like a big part of who I am. Lately though, with going to therapy, and going to the ARP meetings, and just generally focusing on making changes in my life it feels like it's on my mind more than it has been in the past. And when it comes to mind, I'm less able to forgive myself and move on. Feelings of shame sit in my head and run amok for ages longer than is necessary. 

A while ago I was talking to someone and things just got blurted out. It was blunt and awkward and not said with any sensitivity toward even my own feelings on the matter which completely misrepresented even my own attitude towards the subject. And circumstances did not allow me to fix it. I hate that it was even on my mind, that I felt any obligation to share when I wasn't feeling comfortable enough to do it correctly. It makes me feel awkward and frustrated with myself for making someone else feel awkward, and it makes it even harder to talk about to in order to just let it go. And I hate that it happened with a subject personal and sensitive for me. Now it feels like an awkward subject that myself and that other person will both be awkwardly avoiding to avoid further awkwardness, which is awkward and makes me feel awkward around that person. And the fact that it was awkward tells me that any further discussion would be even more awkward which makes me sad. It adds to the worry that it may be a one-way interest.. that I have made it so this person would rather avoid time with me rather than spend more time. And that makes me sad too. And why would they when I'm just being awkward and not knowing what to say..

Anyway, I know that's all rather convoluted, and I hate sounding insecure.. but back to the first quote... I think it makes sense to say that things are haunting me, sitting on my mind when I'd rather they not. Makes it feel difficult to talk to people because I have no idea what to say, when I don't feel comfortable talking about what's on my mind, and I feel like they wouldn't want to hear it anyway. I hate that sense of feeling like a burden.

I have had lots of thoughts lately that life would be a lot easier for me if I stopped trying to communicate... if I stopped trying to make friends... then I wouldn't feel anxiety about making relationships, and saying something stupid or awkward or not having anything to say. But I also know that isolation breeds more problems than it fixes. And I'm pretty sure it would take me further back into the sense of apathy that I've been trying to climb out of with all these changes. 

I had the realization the other day, that essentially I'm making some of the same mistakes that I made back in middle school when I first figured out some things about my life. I'm in a place of transition again, and I'm reverting to some of the same old coping methods that I used the last time I was in a similar position in life. It was a realization that made me feel like I could take a little more control over things with that knowledge. 

On a slightly different note... I was reading my scriptures the other day and came to the story of Laman, Lemuel, Nephi and Sam trying to get the brass plates from Laban. It made me think about all of the prophets, and how we tend to think of them as being perfect guys who never doubted, and are wonderful at following the Lord's plan for them. But really... a lot of them did have doubts or fears. They merely told the Lord about those doubts or fears and then accepted the Lord's soothing assurances. They leaped with faith despite those doubts and fears. That doesn't mean that they had faith there would be no negative consequences just because they were on the Lord's errand... They just had faith that it was the right thing to do. 

That's sort of the attitude I've tried to have lately when it comes to doing things that make me uncomfortable, like making friends. Every time I have the thought to send a text, email, make a phone call or an invitation that I'm nervous to make, I think... it's okay to be afraid... and it's okay if there are negative consequences... so long as I am doing my best to be true to myself and make the effort to stay outside of myself, which is something I feel like the Lord wants for me. A small, personal leap of faith. And the perspective that some of what I've been going through may be in part because of letting go of unwanted tendencies makes it almost a positive. It's a symptom of something positive in my life, even if it's not fun to deal with. It also gives hope that maybe it won't be forever.