It's been a few week's since I've managed it, but I went to an Addiction Recovery Meeting last night. I hit a week where I was feeling more so like staying home, and I didn't feel like I needed to go that day. I don't know why I listened. I've had that feeling a dozen times, and every time I went, the step for that week spoke to me, or something someone had to say hit home for me. Last night I was feeling like I really needed to go. And when I found out what step we were on, I admit I kind of got bummed because it's a step I haven't felt particularly inspired by or ready for in the past. But it spoke to some self-realizations I've had this week among other things.
I'll share with you some of what stood out to me.
"As time passed, though, we noticed that abstinence seemed to make our character weaknesses more visible, especially to ourselves. We tried to control our negative thoughts and feelings, but they continued to reappear, haunting us and threatening our new lives...."
"You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stress in life--maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions."
I wish I could remember exactly how I said it last night in the meeting, because it came out rather well. But, I've been feeling frustrated with myself lately. I've been able to go through years where my "addiction" wasn't a focus. It wasn't on my mind, and in a sense I was able to forget about it. It didn't feel like a big part of who I am. Lately though, with going to therapy, and going to the ARP meetings, and just generally focusing on making changes in my life it feels like it's on my mind more than it has been in the past. And when it comes to mind, I'm less able to forgive myself and move on. Feelings of shame sit in my head and run amok for ages longer than is necessary.
A while ago I was talking to someone and things just got blurted out. It was blunt and awkward and not said with any sensitivity toward even my own feelings on the matter which completely misrepresented even my own attitude towards the subject. And circumstances did not allow me to fix it. I hate that it was even on my mind, that I felt any obligation to share when I wasn't feeling comfortable enough to do it correctly. It makes me feel awkward and frustrated with myself for making someone else feel awkward, and it makes it even harder to talk about to in order to just let it go. And I hate that it happened with a subject personal and sensitive for me. Now it feels like an awkward subject that myself and that other person will both be awkwardly avoiding to avoid further awkwardness, which is awkward and makes me feel awkward around that person. And the fact that it was awkward tells me that any further discussion would be even more awkward which makes me sad. It adds to the worry that it may be a one-way interest.. that I have made it so this person would rather avoid time with me rather than spend more time. And that makes me sad too. And why would they when I'm just being awkward and not knowing what to say..
Anyway, I know that's all rather convoluted, and I hate sounding insecure.. but back to the first quote... I think it makes sense to say that things are haunting me, sitting on my mind when I'd rather they not. Makes it feel difficult to talk to people because I have no idea what to say, when I don't feel comfortable talking about what's on my mind, and I feel like they wouldn't want to hear it anyway. I hate that sense of feeling like a burden.
I have had lots of thoughts lately that life would be a lot easier for me if I stopped trying to communicate... if I stopped trying to make friends... then I wouldn't feel anxiety about making relationships, and saying something stupid or awkward or not having anything to say. But I also know that isolation breeds more problems than it fixes. And I'm pretty sure it would take me further back into the sense of apathy that I've been trying to climb out of with all these changes.
I had the realization the other day, that essentially I'm making some of the same mistakes that I made back in middle school when I first figured out some things about my life. I'm in a place of transition again, and I'm reverting to some of the same old coping methods that I used the last time I was in a similar position in life. It was a realization that made me feel like I could take a little more control over things with that knowledge.
On a slightly different note... I was reading my scriptures the other day and came to the story of Laman, Lemuel, Nephi and Sam trying to get the brass plates from Laban. It made me think about all of the prophets, and how we tend to think of them as being perfect guys who never doubted, and are wonderful at following the Lord's plan for them. But really... a lot of them did have doubts or fears. They merely told the Lord about those doubts or fears and then accepted the Lord's soothing assurances. They leaped with faith despite those doubts and fears. That doesn't mean that they had faith there would be no negative consequences just because they were on the Lord's errand... They just had faith that it was the right thing to do.
That's sort of the attitude I've tried to have lately when it comes to doing things that make me uncomfortable, like making friends. Every time I have the thought to send a text, email, make a phone call or an invitation that I'm nervous to make, I think... it's okay to be afraid... and it's okay if there are negative consequences... so long as I am doing my best to be true to myself and make the effort to stay outside of myself, which is something I feel like the Lord wants for me. A small, personal leap of faith. And the perspective that some of what I've been going through may be in part because of letting go of unwanted tendencies makes it almost a positive. It's a symptom of something positive in my life, even if it's not fun to deal with. It also gives hope that maybe it won't be forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment