My second week going to the Addiction Recovery Program meetings, someone shared their story with the disclaimer statement of "I don't usually go into this much detail, but I'm feeling prompted to tonight for whatever reason." I was at least one of those reasons. His story was exactly what I needed to hear that day. It helped me feel like there was indeed a reason for me to be going to these meetings. And it put into words things I hadn't quite figured out yet. It didn't matter that his story was different than mine, we had things in common that were helpful for me.
Yesterday I think I had the opportunity to do that for someone else. It was interesting because while the step was good yesterday, nothing really stood out for me especially--at least in part because I'm not really there yet. So when it came to sharing time I was pretty sure I was going to pass. And when it came to start sharing time two different people raised their hands to start the sharing. Had a different person been called on, I probably wouldn't have shared what I did. So there's your "coincidence" / inspiration of the missionaries that lead the group that set the scene (providence). I was still feeling pretty certain I was going to pass until the same person shared that had been the one to go into more detail during my second time attending the group. I have no idea what triggered it... it really didn't have anything to do with what he said... I just began to think about how honest and meek the men are that attend the group. I was thinking about how I still have a lot to learn from them when it comes to being able to admit my struggles. And that's when my thoughts began to form regarding what I was to share. I almost changed my mind when someone further down the line shared something. Certain worries came to mind...And I admit, there are a few people in the group that know me and I worry about their perspectives of me changing with fuller knowledge of my struggles. But I'm not the only one in the group that knows other people there. Other people have commented on it being harder to share knowing people there, and they did it anyway because it's supposed to be a safe space, because healing is more important than fear of judgement. And because part of healing is accepting that you can't control what others think of you. And I had to remind myself that the knowledge I have of their struggles doesn't affect how I think of them, and so I had to trust in them just like they trust in me when they share. That's hard. But it's also something I need to practice, and I know it.
Anyway, I essentially commented on my admiration for the willingness of the others in the group to be so open and forthright before sharing my struggle in a little more detail than I ever had previously. My hands were shaking and my anxiety was still high regarding what the consequence might be of certain people learning this about me, but yknow, by then, it had already been said, so what could I do now? And I still doubted whether or not it was even a good idea.. but there was still a whisper in my mind that there was a reason it had entered my mind. It was not an accident.
Finally, someone after me shared... and their story was nearly identical to my own. It was their first time sharing. And a peace entered my heart because I felt an assurance that I had set the scene for them to feel safer sharing their own story. That's not to say that I was without any sense of anxiety regarding previously stated concerns... but the peace made it worth it. And one of the most important parts of healing I think, is being able to help others again. And that someone thanked me for sharing after the meeting was over. And another sweet soul gave me a hug after the meeting. The meetings really are special because I think we really do love and care for one another and each other's progress even if we don't really know each other.
I began to wish that the person I feel anxiety over would be inspired to come up to me after the meeting and express some assurance. But that didn't happen, I even had the thought that I could approach them, but they were gone in a flash. But someone else came up to me and did that very thing. And it's not someone I really felt that much anxiety over, but it was still sweet of course. And it felt like another moment of providence... maybe it wasn't the someone I was hoping for, but assurance was given, and it made me feel God's love for me.
There is peace in providence despite whatever consequences that may or may not come.
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