I took part in a conversation recently where someone was describing someone's fears for being judged for his past. Someone else retorted something along the lines of "then just don't talk about your past." I generally keep my mouth shut in these kinds of moments, not necessarily because I don't want to make it a point of confrontation, because if it's important enough to me, I will anyway.. but more so because I can't easily reply without revealing more about myself than the situation makes comfortable.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how I would feel if I were in the position of investigating the LDS church. Could I be converted to the point of being willing and eager to change my habits and my lifestyle? Would I be brave enough to change? Would I be humble enough to let go of so many ideas I had grown up with? Would I be meek enough to deal with any judgement I may receive from imperfect members regarding my imperfect life? The thought has really put the character of converts in perspective for me. I have come to really honor and respect that willingness to accept truths that have the power to create so much change in your life. To be willing to act on it regardless of the personal sacrifice and humility required.. that is awe inspiring.
I understand the fear of putting yourself in a room full of people, or a church full of people who may not agree with your life choices. I understand the fear of judgement for your past, and even your present. We each have faults and regardless of how many times we say that we're aware everyone has them, it does not take away our fear that someone will judge us for our unique situation. Sometimes I feel so encased and surrounded by my own struggles that it feels hard to consider that suggestion to just "not talk about it" because it's a big part of what I'm experiencing, what I have experienced... and how do you get to know someone without learning those things? And I'm totally willing to admit that that speaks to a personal character weakness of mine. But the point is, sometimes feeling like you can't talk about something makes you feel like you're about to explode. If things are fully resolved, I think it's easier to just "not talk about it."
When I first mentioned that I was attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I think I mentioned that a big part of why I was going was to figure out a new perspective on my identity. The issue being that I realized that I have incorporated too much of my problems into my personally defined "identity" which causes a lot of problems. The ARP program is pretty centered on the atonement and focusing on God's intended identity for you. My point being, that that feeling of "needing to talk about it" comes from feeling like it's part of my identity and you can't know me without knowing about it. When really, it's not a prerequisite for "knowing" me... my identity is not only one thing. I am made up of lots of moments and thoughts and feelings. One moment is not necessarily greater than the combined whole of a thousand other things. I am not my flaws. I am not my struggles. I am who I choose to be because of or despite of those things. Good to remind myself of that ;)
I think the greatest change that can come to a convert's identity by accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ... is gaining the knowledge that they are a child of God. I think sometimes members forget that a little bit and focus more on all the negative things they are.. but forever and always, one of the biggest parts of our identity will be royal children of a Heavenly Father. No matter what our faults are, they should never be cause for someone who understands that you are a child of a Heavenly Father, to ever stop loving you or caring for you. Because we're family. And you are royalty.
So regardless of your past, and regardless of your present, there will always be cause for acceptance and love, in the LDS Church.
It took me a long time to figure out family. I remember being really frustrated with a friend of mine back in high school for putting her family first. I didn't get that. I'd hang out with a friend over family any day. I won't describe right now, the moments that it hit me.. but one day I realized that it didn't matter what relationship or lack thereof I had with my family.. I loved them with all my heart. And I wanted to be sealed to them for eternity because that was a sacred bond worth upholding. It didn't matter if I was close to them or if I liked them at any given moment, or if we'd ever even met. They were family. It's one of the few things I think really puts the LDS church apart from other Christian churches.. the concept that you can be sealed to your family, and to your spouse, to your children--for eternity. A promise from God that you will be with them no matter what happens on this earth. I think.. had I grown up without the church.. that principle is what would have led me to be baptized had I been put in a position to investigate the church. At least I hope so. Because it allowed me to have hope for relationships with family members who aren't even alive anymore with whom I did not have pleasant relationships with.
Someone said something recently that really stuck out to me.
"You can talk to God about anything because he won't judge you. It's not his time to judge yet."
That really synced for me with the idea that life isn't about the sum total of your good and bad deeds or experiences.. it's who you become because of them. God doesn't judge us now, because we're still working on the becoming. I found it really comforting. And regardless of those individual moments that make up our unique lives.. we have all been endowed with the power of creation. And part of that power is the ability to create ourselves. To create our identity, who we become. I hope I can be more like those converts. Humble, and so loving and dedicated to the Lord's plan that I have that willing heart to become who He needs me to become, rather than who I would be tempted to be without him.
No comments:
Post a Comment