Naked Bodies

Alright, for a moment, let’s get awkward and talk about sex. I mean, I’m not going to go into as much detail as I might during an in person conversation with somebody one-on-one… but let’s be real and acknowledge the subject exists and deserves some education. 

I was recently an observer to an unfortunate uncomfortable moment. A woman in my church presented a resource that she had found that had helped her and her husband better understand her body in intimacy. While unsaid, it was clear that she and her husband had struggled to some degree in understanding her body. She provided a few disclaimers regarding the resource so that anyone who might have felt interested would be prepared for what they might find. Someone responded that the topic might be better served in face to face conversations rather than in a digital group forum, and gently cautioned that we should be careful in what resources we use to educate ourselves on this topic. 

While I agree with this response, it was greeted by an obvious discomfort. The original poster had willingly made herself vulnerable, and was hoping to help others who might have shared her struggle, and was putting herself in a vulnerable position to do so. And perhaps she was hoping for a thankful response, or even an equally vulnerable response to help her feel validated and less alone. She apologized. That was something I couldn’t just observe. I let her know she had no need to apologize, and that I was grateful she felt safe to be vulnerable with the group. That is the environment that Relief Society is meant to be, in my opinion. I reached out to her privately to further drive home that I understood her experience and she need not feel alone. But it was obvious that her discomfort remained.

The only other time I have witnessed the topic of sex being discussed in a church setting was equally uncomfortable, this time for me (and likely others). We were talking about strengthening marriages and one girl piped up that she believed firmly and had started her marriage with the intention to never deny her husband sex. The implication was there that none of us should ever deny our husbands sex. I wish so desperately that I had been brave enough at the time to vehemently but kindly inform her that that perspective, while it maybe worked for her, was not an appropriate expectation to thrust onto all the women in the room. I have tried the method of “giving my husband sex” even when I did not want to, and for me, it leaves me feeling vulnerable, abused, objectified, worthless, second class, and honestly, borderline suicidal. By no means does it help me grow closer in my equal partner relationship with him. If I do not have agency, what am I but a slave? And a slave I am not, so I must protect my agency.

But what is sisterhood if it’s not a place where we can be our real selves, even if we don’t always agree with each other? What is sisterhood if not unconditional love? What is sisterhood if not that person you know you can rely on when you really need it even when you haven’t spoken in months or years? Why do we refer to each other as “sisters” at church if not to foster the kind of environment that allows us to be vulnerable and to feel safe in expressing ourselves, and safe in seeking peace, comfort, guidance, and friendship in one another? 

This conversation about understanding women’s bodies came at an interesting time for me, because I had fairly recently had a conversation with another woman in my church on the same subject of physical intimacy and the importance of understanding women’s bodies, and the rampant lack of education regarding women’s bodies and their experiences in intimacy. Both of us related similar struggles and had expressed the desire to have a more in depth conversation face to face when time allowed. Because yes, the conversation does better face to face. And allowing yourself to be vulnerable face to face encourages more comfort with being vulnerable face to face. Whereas being vulnerable over digital media, in my experience, encourages more vulnerability over digital media, sure, but also sometimes it leaves you still feeling awkward and unsure of how to bridge the awkwardness in face-to-face. But we had enough of a conversation digitally, to know each other enough to know that it was a conversation we would want to have face to face. And I think that’s okay. But there is an obvious need among lots of women, to have this conversation!

So, how do we learn about the female body? I’m sure there are a lot of answers for this. As there should be. However, I would like to relay a story before I answer.

I know someone who once took an art class focused on anatomy. This meant that there were sometimes nude models in the classroom. When this was relayed to her bishop during the course of a random “what are you up to these days” kind of conversation, he chastised her for viewing pornography. 

I know. Right now, all my artsy friends are cringing! I’ll use this as a brief moment to say that ecclesiastical leaders are not perfect, and that’s okay. And perhaps for him and his tolerance level, it would have been pornographic and not an appropriate choice for him. This is why it’s important that when our leaders say things to us, that we take the time to pray to receive our own answer. Because if it’s true, the Holy Ghost will testify to us as well, and not just our leaders. I can still support my leaders while also acknowledging that they are not perfect. As I hope people will support me despite my imperfections.

Now, are there people in those classrooms abusing this vulnerable opportunity? Yes. But does that mean that the material is pornographic by nature? No. Do doctors learn how to be surgeons without viewing naked bodies? No they do not. Does that make the material pornographic? No it does not. 

So, in learning about the female body, does it make sense that you might have to view the naked female body to do so? I would argue yes. Now, is it important to be careful in what resources you select from in that endeavor? Yes. Certainly you wouldn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy to learn how to be a surgeon, nor would a pornographic film help you learn about anatomy from a scientific standpoint. Intent matters. Context matters. And following the spirit in your efforts matter.

There are some good books out there. Lots of good books. That doesn't mean reading books is the only resource available though. I have more than one on my bookshelf about husband and wife relationships, intimacy, and even physical intimacy for victims of abuse. And I’m sure there are many more books out there that I haven’t heard of or read. But you know what, sometimes even those books have pictures 🤷‍♀️ Sexually graphic ones even 🤷‍♀️ Personally I choose books that use only black and white line drawings because it’s what I feel most comfortable with and I can keep myself in an educational context easier that way. But I also know that there are others out there that may learn differently than I do. And different people have different tolerances. And that’s okay. And we will each choose different resources to learn from because of our learning differences. And that is also okay. 

All this to say, I hope when people come to us from a place of vulnerability, we will put a greater emphasis on validating them, than pointing out our differences, or what is “correct.”

And also, most men, and many women do not understand the female body half as well as they think they do. And education should happen. 🤷‍♀️ I would not be where I am in my marriage if I had never felt safe to talk about sex with people from time to time. While it is a subject that should be discussed in the right setting, with an attitude of some reverence, it is also one that should not just be kept taboo. 

When Michael and I were first married one of my sisters gave the advice along the lines of “be willing to talk openly and honestly to each other during and about sex” and we didn’t listen. Life would have been better those first years if we had. But talking to a trusted friend or two, eventually helped me learn how to have better communication with him. And that’s okay too.