Pinky Swear

When I was a kid, I was all about the pinky swear. I’m not sure how I got onto the concept.. probably a friend or kids at school. I remember frequently trying to get my mother to make me pinky promises that she would do something or let me do something or take me somewhere or what have you. And my mother always just said “I don’t believe in making promises.” It always frustrated me as a child. It wasn’t that she was trying to tell me she couldn’t promise something would happen just in case something fell through or things changed or what have you. That really wasn’t what she meant. At one point or another she elaborated. What she meant was that in her opinion, making “promises” cheapened everything else that came out of her mouth that wasn’t declared “a promise.” Like I should believe her less or think her less reliable when the words “I promise” were missing at the end of a sentence. She believed in a “my word is my bond” mentality. She didn’t say she was going to do something unless she had every intention of doing it. In essence, every time she agreed to anything it was a promise, even though she wouldn’t wrap her pinky around mine or say “I promise.” It was implicit every time. 

Even still it annoyed me as a kid, because to me I just didn’t see the difference. It’s not a big deal to just say “I promise” or wrap pinkies! Right? What’s the difference if everything is a promise?

But as an adult, and as a mother, I find myself understanding more and more. I don’t want to make promises to my kids. I don’t want to tell them I will do something and have them worried that there’s an “if” statement attached to it unless I follow it up with “I promise.” I want them to have full confidence that I will do what I said because that is my track record. No promises necessary because my word is my bond.

Plenty of people have heard me get on my “words matter” soap box. But I suppose sometimes the omission of words matters too. 

We’ve been talking to my oldest son fairly regularly lately about the idea of a “track record” so to speak, although not in  those words. But just the idea that people are more inclined to think of you as honest if their past experiences with you were all ones of honesty too. It’s a hard line for him to balance because while he wants to be considered honest, he also has low impulse control, and also enjoys being a prankster. Not to say you can’t be honest and a prankster, I just think it’s a hard balance for a child. 

Anyway, I think it’s one of those things that’s sort of equivalent to “actions speak louder than words” and the action of having good follow through means a lot more than just saying you’ll follow through.  I want to be taken at my word. When I tell people I feel a certain way, or don’t feel a certain way, I want them to feel confident that I am honestly and accurately portraying how I feel and not just providing lip-service for their comfort or assurance. And part of being taken at my word, means that it shouldn’t be necessary for me to follow up a statement with “I promise” because I already meant it the first time, and I want to be believed whether a promise was a proffered or not. 

Although, I’m also a flake sometimes, and forget things frequently. But my intention is always that my word is my bond, and I hope my kids learn to understand that too.

Rainbow Follow-Up

I once wrote a blog about a friend asking me the question “Would you feel more comfortable at church if everyone in the room were wearing rainbow pins” as a show of support for those who experience same sex attraction and others who identify as LGBTQ+. And I explained that at the time of the question, I said “no,” because I didn’t identify with the rainbow symbol then, but that since that conversation, I have adjusted my perspective.

One of the other reasons why I said no, was because for me, the subject of my sexuality rarely comes up at church and is therefore a moot point.

But last Sunday, we were discussing a talk by Kevin S. Hamilton and as part of that we were discussing what it means to be authentic to our true selves. And I had a strong feeling that I had something to share here that would require mentioning my sexuality, and that it would be disingenuous of me if I didn't share. And the first thing I did was look for an emotional support blanket in the form of a supportive friend that already knew. And while the person I was looking for wasn’t there, I was still able to look around and see at least 2 people in the room that knew and that I knew would support me if necessary. And that helped me find the courage to share. I find myself very grateful for the people who have voiced their support to me directly.

So, for the first time ever, I used the words “I’m gay” in a public, group setting, out loud, at church. Which felt very different from writing it out in a blog, by the way. And my hands were shaking, and my heart rate was elevated. But I was also grateful to be able to speak my mind even if my voice might shake. And I felt peace (and someone handed me a baby to hold afterwards, and that's pretty darn calming). I talked about how… while I am gay, being authentic with that doesn’t mean viewing myself as only that one thing. Viewing myself as only one thing felt very limiting in fact. But viewing myself as a Daughter of God first and foremost, allows for a wide berth of growth and change. And I can be a Daughter of God, and be gay.

Now, I think I’m at the point where I could have shared even if there wasn’t anyone in the room that I already knew supported me. Even if it would have involved a little more anxiety. But the thought did come to mind, that yes, knowing there were supportive “allies” in the room was helpful. And that is the whole point behind the idea of the rainbow pins (in my opinion). Letting people know they have support, love, and fellowship despite their differences.

Now I still stand by the fact that a pin shouldn’t be necessary. We should be able to have the reassurance that people at church love Christ and are trying to be like him and therefore are striving to love others and be kind and Christlike… right? And there are too many things for us to be nervous about sharing for a pin to represent each one. But of course, church isn’t for perfect people. Nobody’s perfect. And we all have our unique flaws and challenges. That’s how it goes. And maybe the pins help pick up some of the slack, so to speak. Help to drown out the doubt and the negative.

I’m grateful for the peace I find in being wholly me, and not just one thing. I’m grateful I have nothing to hide. I’m grateful that I can be honest and genuine with people no matter the subject or context. And I’m grateful for the support system I have, and the new additions I keep finding.

On the Subject of Porn

I had a realization this week. I have never associated any of my experiences with sexual abuse as being at the fault of porn. When my mother talks about sexual abusers she often puts it in the context of “they must have been abused themselves to be capable of doing that” and I suppose I’ve always thought of it that way. Which is probably also why I have always felt the need to be hyper-vigilant in not doing anything that could be misconstrued as inappropriate when I’m around kids because I don’t want anyone to think that because I was abused that I am more likely to abuse their kids. I won’t.

I know people who were abused and became abusers. But I don’t know if any of my abusers were abused. However, the most poignant memory I have of being abused was with a twelve year old cousin, obviously many years ago. And if you assume that he was not abused, then how else do you assume that he learned about oral sex? Where did he get the idea to make me participate in that? In some ways, my heart breaks for him, that his childhood was not what it should have been either.

I’ve never even considered that porn could be at the center of it. But I think it’s definitely something to be considered. I don’t think about 12 year olds as being capable of watching porn. Which I suppose is silly because I certainly found porn by the age of 12. But I think we tend to infantilize the youth despite our own experiences. 

Sometimes I think of porn in and of itself as a trauma. I remember the first time I found porn. The jarring images instantly burning into my brain. The images still there when I closed my eyes like my memories of abuse used to be. Yet somehow you can’t look away. Somehow you keep coming back despite the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach as you do so. There’s a sense of feeling powerless. Like in abuse.

Sometimes I think abuse stole my childhood. I still had one of course. But my 9 year old son isn’t ready to hear about half the things I knew about by the time I was 9. And yet I feel a pressure to help him be prepared. To help him be ready with a protective shield for the day he stumbles into something he shouldn’t. But I also don’t want to introduce him to the dangers of the world yet. But I also don’t want him to fall into the trap unawares. 

Finding the balance is hard. But I also think it’s imperative that we help our kids be ready for the trials we know will come whether want them to or not. 

I went to a meeting the other day where people were brainstorming what they could teach to the homeschool kids. And my first thought was that I wished I was certified in teaching the R.A.D.kids (self defense) program. Even as I thought it, part of me knee-jerked that even if I was certified, would I feel comfortable suggesting the class to all these women in the room? Preparing kids for danger means informing them that danger is a possibility. Would it be appropriate for me to do that to someone else’s kid? Of course, in this scenario they would have had the authority to decide whether or not their kid was in my class thereby giving me permission to do so… 

Anyway.. all this to say… I don’t approve of porn. I certainly don’t approve of porn being accessible to children. And the possible consequences are far-reaching. And despite our fears around hard subjects, sometimes we must introduce our kids to things we’d rather keep hidden, so they won’t go seeking answers somewhere else.

Once A Cheater...

This is one of my pet peeves. I absolutely hate being an observer to a conversation where someone chimes in with the classic phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater." 

Most of you know that I have attended the Addiction Recovery Program. Well, less known is that I have also attended the ARP meetings intended to help the family/spouses of people who struggle with addiction. I don't talk about it cuz I've only been to 2 meetings lol. Not much to say. The first time was completely by accident. And I felt like an intruder. The wolf in sheeps clothing. Totally out of place. But at the same time, it ended up being a really great experience, and I was really grateful I had the chance to go. They made me feel loved and welcomed, I learned things I wasn't expecting, and nobody cared that I was at the wrong meeting lol. Well I tried going to a virtual meeting once during COVID because I wondered if it would help me with some different things I had going on that didn't fit into the normal Addiction Recovery Program setting. I needed a different perspective, and the last time I had accidentally gone to one of these support meetings, it had provided me with just that. A different perspective. But this time, it was a totally different experience. Some of it was because it was virtual, and that's just not so much my jam. But also, it was the people in attendance. In reality, it came down to the fact that the leader of the group was doing a bad job of making sure the meetings were following the guidelines in the handbook. But it felt like a meeting of people just complaining about their imperfect spouses and how mad they were at them, and how justified they were in feeling that way. And that REALLY made me feel like the wolf in sheeps clothing. I thought I could compartmentalize and focus on only the stuff I had come to this meeting for, but I couldn't. I felt like an imposter, and if they found out "the real me" that I'd be a pariah. They had no clue how uncomfortable they were making me, and their comments were being made under the assumption that everyone in the meeting had had similar experiences as them, so I can't fault them... but I never attended again. 

Well, here's the difference. That first group that I accidentally attended was 100% focused on the atonement. And repentance. The potential for change and growth and faith and trust, and love for their spouse. Even if they were struggling with the choices their loved ones were making, the focus was on hope in Christ. 

The attitude in the second meeting had very little to do with the atonement. Which, if you're familiar with the Addiction Recovery Support Manuals.... is sort of the main theme. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be mad at your spouse if they cheat on you or do something to betray you in any way. And you're allowed to vent that frustration. Although, obviously, I'd be careful who you vent to... I'm just saying that we can't say things like "once a cheater, always a cheater" and also claim to believe in repentance. And, in the end, I believe it is not anger at a spouse that helps them repent, but love for them that can help.

While we're at it, here's another one I don't like (and I'm more likely to catch grief for this opinion): Anything along the vein of "Cheaters are the absolute worst people." One, I don't like blanket statements. Two, while I'm not going to justify cheating, I also know that temptations sometimes take us to places where we're not thinking logically, not thinking of the consequences, and not thinking of others and therefore make choices we otherwise wouldn't make. Just like addiction does. Not just temptation either... sometimes it's depression or anxiety or any number of things. Now, again, does any of that justify the cheating? Nope. But I think it creates a more complex issue than the statement "Cheaters are the absolute worst people" can possibly cover.

In the end it comes down to 2 things for me. People are always capable of change. And, to quote Dallin H. Oaks, in the end we are not judged by the "sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done," instead we will be judged by "the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become." Defining people by their natural man, does nothing but limit them to where they are now. Instead, let us believe in each other, and in Christ's ability to help all mankind become more than the sum total of their choices. How can we help each other become more than our weakest moments? How can we become more, together?

Serenity

 I remember in high school specifically feeling very frustrated when we were running late and my father was driving. Those that know my father know that he is a calm man in general. A man of fairly few words, or at least the type to reserve speech for when there was something specific that needed to be said. He’s also a very logic driven man. He used to say things like “Being upset won’t get us there any faster.” And boy did that irk me as a teenager. To me it just felt like he didn’t understand how important it was that I be there on time. These days I think my desire to be on time is probably anxiety driven. I would rather not go somewhere than be late. I try to ignore that feeling as much as possible because of course the reality is that once I’m there, there are usually very few consequences for being late and it’s better to go late than not go at all. This of course depends on the circumstances, but let’s throw it out there as a general statement for now.

When I started attending addiction recovery meetings, I became more familiar with what’s referred to as the “Serenity Prayer.”

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I obviously applied this first to things like my mental health, sexual orientation, bad choices/habits and the like. Reasons I was attending the Addiction Recovery Program.

But more recently I’ve been thinking about it in regards to other areas of my life. Why should I spend mental energy on things I cannot change? I realize now that my father has been utilizing this philosophy my whole life. Why be antsy and frustrated when driving somewhere when nothing you do at this point will change when you arrive? Why spend the mental energy on that? Obviously if you have the tendency to run late, then there are things you can do that are within your control to limit that in the future… but as for the current moment when you’re already late? Nope.

Why hold grudges when holding the grudge won’t change what happened? It just means you’re exerting extra mental energy. Why worry about things you can’t control? It won’t change anything. You’re just mentally exhausting yourself and rooting yourself to a place of unhappiness. Now that’s not to say that we’re not entitled to our feelings. Because we are. And it’s good to feel them. It just doesn’t do any good to hold onto things forever that can’t be changed.

I remember sometime after high school, reaching out to a friend to ask for the contact information of one of their relatives because I wanted to write them a letter letting them know I forgave them for taking advantage of me sexually as a child. It was a bit of an awkward affair because I knew by asking that I would be outing myself as having been abused because there was absolutely no other reason why I would possibly need this person’s contact info. And this wasn’t a particularly close friend that I would normally share that kind of information with. But I had come to the decision that in order to live my best life, I needed to not hold onto negative emotions like resentment or sadness or anger. This was something I could do. Something I could change. And I hoped too that maybe by letting that person know that the people he had hurt were capable of forgiving him, that that would teach him that he too could change. Because I also felt like it was fair that if he had changed, that he be free to let go of any guilt for what he had done. And maybe I could help with that. 

But I also had to accept that there was a good chance he would never reply, just like the others. There was a good chance I wouldn’t even know if he ever received the message. And a good chance he would never be sorry. All I could do was send it, and accept that that was all I could do.

I keep finding new ways to apply this philosophy. I can’t control if people like me. I can’t control my children’s emotions. I can’t control church doctrine. I can’t control the chaos and sadness in the world today. I can only do what I can do. And after that, I have to let go, and let the rest be. But I am grateful for the serenity when it comes. I can be proud of the things I can change. And I can keep working on identifying and accepting what things I can change, and what things I cannot. I can keep striving for the courage to do what I can. And that’s enough for now. And that brings me peace.

Anxious Apology

Ok. Perhaps I should apologize to my girl friends from college that I gave a hard time to about all the dating anxiety. I rolled my eyes so hard at all the back and forth and second guessing and the “dating rules.” I can’t even begin to list them, but I just remember watching a lot of debates of “should I text him or should I wait until tomorrow?” “Should I tell him I had a good time?” “Will I come across clingy/needy/awkward/insert adjective if I do X/Y/Z?” I simply never ever felt that way when dating boys. I never cared. I didn’t need them to like me. I didn’t need their approval. And so I did what I wanted, and if they didn’t like me for me, I wasn’t going to try to change myself to change that. And I always figured that was the best way to approach things, and people were silly for adding in all the extra anxiety by wondering what the other person was thinking. For the most part, for me, dating was a way to push boundaries and a way for me to be in control of my life and my body, and to some extent it was just something that was expected.

It wasn’t until much much later that I finally realized that I know exactly how all those friends felt. I just feel it with girls instead of boys. 😂 The constant doubt of what are they thinking, do they really like me, am I being annoying, should I back off,  did I just make that awkward, maybe I shouldn’t send a text right now, maybe it’s too soon, maybe I shouldn’t talk about X subject, etc etc. And I’m clearly not trying to date any of these girls I interact with 😳 so I can only imagine that trying to date someone would make that anxiety worse lol. Although being gay does mean I spend a fair amount of energy trying not to send mixed signals. 

My guilty confession is that in my teen years I judged the people who acknowledged those inner thoughts out loud. It made them annoying or weak or needy/clingy/etc. And then, when I acknowledge I feel those ways myself, I worry that other people will view me the way I used to view people. And to some extent, I still judge myself because of it.

Anxiety is still a weird thing for me to talk about to some extent. I am not my anxiety. Anxiety does not define my personality. But I also want to be careful talking about anxiety because I don’t want anxiety to be perceived as a thing that makes anyone “less than.” Because anxiety is also not that. I’m pretty sure that those that know me wouldn’t describe me as being a particularly anxious person. And of course, I’m not generally anxious with people that I know well. And with people I don’t know well, I try my darndest to say “screw the anxiety” and behave the same way I would with someone I know well because I still pride myself on being authentically me at all times. 

But yknow what? I also think it’s okay and perhaps necessary to sit with the anxiety for a while sometimes. We can’t just ignore our feelings. Sometimes trying to be “authentically me” all the time despite the anxiety just sucks 🤷‍♀️ I’m out of my comfort zone an awful lot, and I wait anxiously by the phone between text messages and whatever else. And try my very best to distract myself and live in the moment so I won’t do that. I talk myself down from the anxiety. For me, it’s worth it. I need people. But I understand if that’s not you, and you deal with your anxiety differently. Because constantly dealing, constantly sucks 🤷‍♀️

But yknow what? It’s also made me a good friend to people who have anxiety. I find myself reassuring people a lot. I don’t judge you for being you. I think I am pretty good at reassuring people that I don’t view them as a burden, I do in fact enjoy hanging out with them, Heck, let’s hang out every week or twice a week or whatever. I do in fact want to know any thing you want to share with me about yourself, I don’t mind if you ramble, and yes you are free to ask me anything and I will be happy to answer it. I am an open book, and I am happy to listen to anyone willing to share their “book” /life/feelings/thoughts with me as well. No judgement. As I find myself saying a lot lately!

Because even though I view my anxiety as my responsibility, and nobody else’s. It makes me happy to be able to ease someone else’s. Because I understand just how comforting it can be to receive that reassurance instead of trying to manage the nagging thoughts in the back of your head. 

So to all those girl friends that I may have judged years ago for feeling anxious about whether or not a boy liked you as much as you liked them…. I apologize. And I totally get it 😉 And to any friends I have now that have anxiety to any degree, just know that I am comfortable with you sharing that with me. And if there is anything I can do or say that can ease that anxiety I am happy to do so. But I’m also happy to just listen, and allow your anxiety to just exist without fear of shame if that’s what’s needed too.