Once A Cheater...

This is one of my pet peeves. I absolutely hate being an observer to a conversation where someone chimes in with the classic phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater." 

Most of you know that I have attended the Addiction Recovery Program. Well, less known is that I have also attended the ARP meetings intended to help the family/spouses of people who struggle with addiction. I don't talk about it cuz I've only been to 2 meetings lol. Not much to say. The first time was completely by accident. And I felt like an intruder. The wolf in sheeps clothing. Totally out of place. But at the same time, it ended up being a really great experience, and I was really grateful I had the chance to go. They made me feel loved and welcomed, I learned things I wasn't expecting, and nobody cared that I was at the wrong meeting lol. Well I tried going to a virtual meeting once during COVID because I wondered if it would help me with some different things I had going on that didn't fit into the normal Addiction Recovery Program setting. I needed a different perspective, and the last time I had accidentally gone to one of these support meetings, it had provided me with just that. A different perspective. But this time, it was a totally different experience. Some of it was because it was virtual, and that's just not so much my jam. But also, it was the people in attendance. In reality, it came down to the fact that the leader of the group was doing a bad job of making sure the meetings were following the guidelines in the handbook. But it felt like a meeting of people just complaining about their imperfect spouses and how mad they were at them, and how justified they were in feeling that way. And that REALLY made me feel like the wolf in sheeps clothing. I thought I could compartmentalize and focus on only the stuff I had come to this meeting for, but I couldn't. I felt like an imposter, and if they found out "the real me" that I'd be a pariah. They had no clue how uncomfortable they were making me, and their comments were being made under the assumption that everyone in the meeting had had similar experiences as them, so I can't fault them... but I never attended again. 

Well, here's the difference. That first group that I accidentally attended was 100% focused on the atonement. And repentance. The potential for change and growth and faith and trust, and love for their spouse. Even if they were struggling with the choices their loved ones were making, the focus was on hope in Christ. 

The attitude in the second meeting had very little to do with the atonement. Which, if you're familiar with the Addiction Recovery Support Manuals.... is sort of the main theme. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be mad at your spouse if they cheat on you or do something to betray you in any way. And you're allowed to vent that frustration. Although, obviously, I'd be careful who you vent to... I'm just saying that we can't say things like "once a cheater, always a cheater" and also claim to believe in repentance. And, in the end, I believe it is not anger at a spouse that helps them repent, but love for them that can help.

While we're at it, here's another one I don't like (and I'm more likely to catch grief for this opinion): Anything along the vein of "Cheaters are the absolute worst people." One, I don't like blanket statements. Two, while I'm not going to justify cheating, I also know that temptations sometimes take us to places where we're not thinking logically, not thinking of the consequences, and not thinking of others and therefore make choices we otherwise wouldn't make. Just like addiction does. Not just temptation either... sometimes it's depression or anxiety or any number of things. Now, again, does any of that justify the cheating? Nope. But I think it creates a more complex issue than the statement "Cheaters are the absolute worst people" can possibly cover.

In the end it comes down to 2 things for me. People are always capable of change. And, to quote Dallin H. Oaks, in the end we are not judged by the "sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done," instead we will be judged by "the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become." Defining people by their natural man, does nothing but limit them to where they are now. Instead, let us believe in each other, and in Christ's ability to help all mankind become more than the sum total of their choices. How can we help each other become more than our weakest moments? How can we become more, together?