Serenity

 I remember in high school specifically feeling very frustrated when we were running late and my father was driving. Those that know my father know that he is a calm man in general. A man of fairly few words, or at least the type to reserve speech for when there was something specific that needed to be said. He’s also a very logic driven man. He used to say things like “Being upset won’t get us there any faster.” And boy did that irk me as a teenager. To me it just felt like he didn’t understand how important it was that I be there on time. These days I think my desire to be on time is probably anxiety driven. I would rather not go somewhere than be late. I try to ignore that feeling as much as possible because of course the reality is that once I’m there, there are usually very few consequences for being late and it’s better to go late than not go at all. This of course depends on the circumstances, but let’s throw it out there as a general statement for now.

When I started attending addiction recovery meetings, I became more familiar with what’s referred to as the “Serenity Prayer.”

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I obviously applied this first to things like my mental health, sexual orientation, bad choices/habits and the like. Reasons I was attending the Addiction Recovery Program.

But more recently I’ve been thinking about it in regards to other areas of my life. Why should I spend mental energy on things I cannot change? I realize now that my father has been utilizing this philosophy my whole life. Why be antsy and frustrated when driving somewhere when nothing you do at this point will change when you arrive? Why spend the mental energy on that? Obviously if you have the tendency to run late, then there are things you can do that are within your control to limit that in the future… but as for the current moment when you’re already late? Nope.

Why hold grudges when holding the grudge won’t change what happened? It just means you’re exerting extra mental energy. Why worry about things you can’t control? It won’t change anything. You’re just mentally exhausting yourself and rooting yourself to a place of unhappiness. Now that’s not to say that we’re not entitled to our feelings. Because we are. And it’s good to feel them. It just doesn’t do any good to hold onto things forever that can’t be changed.

I remember sometime after high school, reaching out to a friend to ask for the contact information of one of their relatives because I wanted to write them a letter letting them know I forgave them for taking advantage of me sexually as a child. It was a bit of an awkward affair because I knew by asking that I would be outing myself as having been abused because there was absolutely no other reason why I would possibly need this person’s contact info. And this wasn’t a particularly close friend that I would normally share that kind of information with. But I had come to the decision that in order to live my best life, I needed to not hold onto negative emotions like resentment or sadness or anger. This was something I could do. Something I could change. And I hoped too that maybe by letting that person know that the people he had hurt were capable of forgiving him, that that would teach him that he too could change. Because I also felt like it was fair that if he had changed, that he be free to let go of any guilt for what he had done. And maybe I could help with that. 

But I also had to accept that there was a good chance he would never reply, just like the others. There was a good chance I wouldn’t even know if he ever received the message. And a good chance he would never be sorry. All I could do was send it, and accept that that was all I could do.

I keep finding new ways to apply this philosophy. I can’t control if people like me. I can’t control my children’s emotions. I can’t control church doctrine. I can’t control the chaos and sadness in the world today. I can only do what I can do. And after that, I have to let go, and let the rest be. But I am grateful for the serenity when it comes. I can be proud of the things I can change. And I can keep working on identifying and accepting what things I can change, and what things I cannot. I can keep striving for the courage to do what I can. And that’s enough for now. And that brings me peace.