On the Subject of Porn

I had a realization this week. I have never associated any of my experiences with sexual abuse as being at the fault of porn. When my mother talks about sexual abusers she often puts it in the context of “they must have been abused themselves to be capable of doing that” and I suppose I’ve always thought of it that way. Which is probably also why I have always felt the need to be hyper-vigilant in not doing anything that could be misconstrued as inappropriate when I’m around kids because I don’t want anyone to think that because I was abused that I am more likely to abuse their kids. I won’t.

I know people who were abused and became abusers. But I don’t know if any of my abusers were abused. However, the most poignant memory I have of being abused was with a twelve year old cousin, obviously many years ago. And if you assume that he was not abused, then how else do you assume that he learned about oral sex? Where did he get the idea to make me participate in that? In some ways, my heart breaks for him, that his childhood was not what it should have been either.

I’ve never even considered that porn could be at the center of it. But I think it’s definitely something to be considered. I don’t think about 12 year olds as being capable of watching porn. Which I suppose is silly because I certainly found porn by the age of 12. But I think we tend to infantilize the youth despite our own experiences. 

Sometimes I think of porn in and of itself as a trauma. I remember the first time I found porn. The jarring images instantly burning into my brain. The images still there when I closed my eyes like my memories of abuse used to be. Yet somehow you can’t look away. Somehow you keep coming back despite the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach as you do so. There’s a sense of feeling powerless. Like in abuse.

Sometimes I think abuse stole my childhood. I still had one of course. But my 9 year old son isn’t ready to hear about half the things I knew about by the time I was 9. And yet I feel a pressure to help him be prepared. To help him be ready with a protective shield for the day he stumbles into something he shouldn’t. But I also don’t want to introduce him to the dangers of the world yet. But I also don’t want him to fall into the trap unawares. 

Finding the balance is hard. But I also think it’s imperative that we help our kids be ready for the trials we know will come whether want them to or not. 

I went to a meeting the other day where people were brainstorming what they could teach to the homeschool kids. And my first thought was that I wished I was certified in teaching the R.A.D.kids (self defense) program. Even as I thought it, part of me knee-jerked that even if I was certified, would I feel comfortable suggesting the class to all these women in the room? Preparing kids for danger means informing them that danger is a possibility. Would it be appropriate for me to do that to someone else’s kid? Of course, in this scenario they would have had the authority to decide whether or not their kid was in my class thereby giving me permission to do so… 

Anyway.. all this to say… I don’t approve of porn. I certainly don’t approve of porn being accessible to children. And the possible consequences are far-reaching. And despite our fears around hard subjects, sometimes we must introduce our kids to things we’d rather keep hidden, so they won’t go seeking answers somewhere else.