Don’t Know What to Say

What do you say when you don’t know what to say? I’m not going to claim to be an expert here. I’ve certainly had my fair share of moments sitting in awkward silence because I didn’t know what to say. But of course there’s also different contexts for not knowing what to say. Do you not know what to say because small talk is awkward and you don’t know them very well and you’re just not sure what to say? Or you’d really rather ask something else but it may be considered personal or awkward and you don’t feel comfortable asking? Well, I relate to those. Or do you not know what to say because they just shared something personal or vulnerable or awkward etc, and you really just don’t know what to say in response. 

Learning people’s boundaries is hard. Learning their hopes and expectations is sometimes harder. Do they want you to ask a follow up question? Do they want you to provide advice? Do they want you to nod appreciatively? Do they want you to  just listen? Do they want a hug? Do they want a well timed joke, comical relief, or a change of subject? Do they want you to share a story of a similar nature where you explain why you understand how they feel because of your own experiences? Or would they rather you acknowledge that you really don’t understand at all. 

Well, there’s clearly a lot that could be said here so I’ll focus on the first thing that comes to mind: reflective listening. This is a technique frequently used by social workers and therapists. Reflective listening is actually really easy. Basically all you do is repeat back to them what they said but in your own words. Let me emphasize the “in your own words” part 😉 This is one of the reasons people enjoy going to see a therapist. It’s not really because the therapist is wise and understands you better than anyone else and can fix all your problems. They might not understand. And they might not know how to fix any of your problems. But by listening to you, doing their best to understand what you are trying to say, and then reframing it, you are given the chance to better clarify what you said if their “reflection” or “mirror” of what you said wasn’t quite what you meant. In the process of course, this can also help you dive deeper into the subject and flush out things perhaps you hadn’t considered on a conscious level. Perhaps more importantly, when someone repeats back to you what you said, you FEEL understood, and you FEEL validated. And that’s a pretty important part of therapy, am I right?

Let’s take a look at what that might look like… how about we try responding to this statement

“Coming out as gay was nerve wracking and vulnerable, but lifted a weight from my shoulders”

Okay. Maybe I didn’t know they were gay? Maybe I knew but we haven’t talked about it before? Maybe I even feel awkward about the fact that they’re gay? Maybe I recognize that they may feel vulnerable in this moment whether I knew or didn’t know before? Maybe the subject just feels heavy and instantly my brain shuts off because it feels like there is pressure to say the right thing or ease their anxiety. But what did I hear them say? What did I understand? How can I relate?

Maybe I respond by saying

“That makes sense to me, being yourself with people can be scary but can be a relief”

Did I really say anything new? Or did I just acknowledge what I understood from their message? More importantly I am seeking to validate their feelings.

Or maybe I could respond

“I imagine you still feel nervous sometimes when talking about it. Is that right?”

This provides validation, and lets them choose whether they want to keep talking about it or not, and gives them a chance to correct you if that’s not a correct mirror of how they feel. And it doesn’t matter if their response is then “nope, not nervous at all” or “yes you’re right.” Being right doesn’t necessarily make you a better listener. It’s okay to be wrong, as long as you are seeking to understand.

Let’s try another one. You could also say 

“I know you might have felt nervous when you first told me, but I’m glad you now feel more comfortable”

This is trying something new. I’m speaking to something that was not necessarily said. I’m reading between the lines and making an assumption. They said they were nervous when they “came out” and I’m acknowledging that they may have felt that way with me specifically. I could also have specifically referenced their parents or their best friend or their significant other or whoever in the place of me. All I’m doing is addressing what they said in the context of a specific example I can imagine taking place. 

I could also ask about their feelings directly

“Is it still nerve wracking now, when you talk about it?”

I think the big thing with reflective listening is that I’m not trying to come up with new material here. I’m not jumping from talking about the weather and now trying to think up the next subject we can discuss. It’s a lot less pressure to just respond to what’s been presented than trying to think of something new.

Now, this example was actually a fairly easy one because they revealed their emotions right off the bat. What if they only said “I’m gay.” And you are left with responding to that alone?

Honestly I can respond with something as simple as “so you’re attracted to women?” Again, all I did was repeat back what they said but in my own words. They then have the chance to clarify what being “gay” means for them. Maybe you’re right, maybe they meant something else. They now have the chance to agree with you, or say “no, I only meant I’m happy” 😜 or maybe they can follow up with “well I’m actually bi-sexual” or any number of things. 

Or, I try to read between the lines and reply to the feelings I imagine they’re having.

“Was it scary to tell me that?”

Imagine how you might feel if put in their shoes, and try to respond to the feelings said or unsaid.

Reflective listening can work for a lot of things. What about politics?

“Talking about Trump makes me so mad!”

What do I say if I don’t agree with them? Well, I don’t have to agree with them to listen to them. I can repeat back what they said or I can speak to the feelings in between the lines

“I take it you don’t like Trump?”

Or “It can be so frustrating when someone you don’t agree with is in power.”

I don’t have to tell them if I disagree. That’s not to say you can’t or that it’s wrong to tell them you disagree.. just that it’s not a skill in reflective listening specifically. That could still be your follow up statement, “I like Trump, but I understand that he causes you frustration. You can tell me more about why he makes you mad”

Disagreeing doesn’t have to shut down the conversation. I can give them the chance to talk further about their feelings and let them know that their feelings are just as valid and worth discussing as mine. 

Anyway, maybe that’s helpful. Maybe it’s not. It’s just one tool in a toolbox, and not the only way to have a conversation.