Last winter I had some serious mental health issues which I didn’t recognize at the time. And it put me in a dark headspace that affected my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. And I haven’t been able to shake the feelings that resulted.
I have had several gospel related conversations since then with multiple people. And sure, sometimes I hope that this new person will have something magical to say that will make my doubts or feelings go away. But in reality I know that’s not happening. And often people have the impulse to try to “fix” me, and give advice, or provide the perfect answer. And I 100% understand because I know I’ve done it before. And I 100% understand that it’s coming from a place of love and concern, and I 100% appreciate that. And I’m not trying to fault anyone for trying, because we’re all just doing our best out here. And I appreciate the love.
But I have also come to understand that that moment is dependent on me and my feelings and my own relationship with the Holy Ghost. And the work I’m willing to put in to getting there. And I haven’t felt willing/able to do much of that… and so not much has changed. I’m sitting with my feelings. And for now that’s okay.
But what I have also come to realize are the moments that I love the most. There are two. First, the moments when people have allowed me to express my doubts and just let them exist. No attempt to sway my opinion or change me or give advice or anything… just let me be and let me exist as I am. Again, I 100% understand the impulse to be a “fixer” because that is totally ME! But I have also learned that it is also okay to sit with our feelings for a while. And ignoring them doesn’t really help.
Now, the second moment I’ve experienced is my favorite. I love the moments when people are able/willing to share with me their testimony genuinely. Regardless of what doubts I have expressed, regardless of the frustrations I have voiced. One moment sticks out to me. I don’t remember what I said anymore. But this friend replied quite simply, something along the lines of “The Holy Ghost has never indicated that to me. That doesn’t change how I feel.” It wasn’t really in what she said, but how she said it that stuck out. But her testimony was unshaken by the feelings I had shared. And I love that. I have no desire in my doubts to shake anyone else’s testimony. I have no desire to change anyone else’s faith or understanding or confidence.
The moments I love most in friendship are feeling like you are 100% free to be yourself, whether that is happy or sad, normal or weird, gay or straight, guilty or innocent, faithful or doubtful, perfect or imperfect, broken or whole, confident or anxious. I love the moments of being vulnerable and yet feeling safe. And when my friends share their testimony with me, in the spirit of being wholly themselves, I feel loved, and honored to be allowed to share in that genuine expression of themselves. Even when I don’t feel the same. And I have felt that same sense of honor when people have shared with me their doubts. Because again, they were sharing a genuine part of themselves with me. And I am honored to be allowed to share in that too.
But I will say that I can tell when someone is sharing their testimony with me because they want to convince me that my doubts are wrong. Versus when they are sharing their testimony with me because it is something they love. Although to be fair, at my grumpiest, I may be more inclined to perceive someone’s actions with a motive, even if that is not their intention. Which isn’t fair of me, and I recognize that. And I apologize if I have done that.
Regardless, this, I think is at the heart of missionary work. I have never felt impressed to convince anyone my religion is better than theirs or that they should join my church. And I don’t think I ever will. Because I don’t think it’s effective. What I would hope for instead, is the ability to be unabashedly me. And share the things I love with people around me because I am being wholly me. And I hope they can be wholly themselves too. “Sharing the gospel” doesn’t mean trying to convince people they’re wrong. To me, it means being unabashedly you. And if you are someone who loves Jesus, that will be part of the “you” that shines through. No hiding it. No preaching necessary. And if that is something that sticks out to them, and they feel impressed to act on, okay. And if it’s not, that is also okay. And neither choice affect my opinion of that person, or our friendship. And I hope they feel free to share with me the things that they love, even if I choose not to change to match their beliefs either.
Be unabashedly you. I am honored to be given the opportunity to see “you” and I hope I can be “me” too.
Also, let’s not judge me for the number of times I used “100%” in this post 😝
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