What I Miss

I consider myself pretty comfortable in my own skin. I’m not ashamed of my body even if there are things I would change if I could. I’m happy with who I am even if I’m not perfect. I’m mostly happy at church even if I have my doubts and frustrations. I’m very comfortable answering questions about my childhood, addiction recovery, intimacy, my same sex attraction, my doubts in the church.. whatever it may be.

But ever since I revealed my same-sex attraction I have felt a pressure to be extremely clear in my interactions with other women so there is no opportunity for misunderstandings regarding my intentions. I had to completely rewrite my list of boundaries with people. And sometimes I miss the old me. I created a blanket rule that I wouldn’t touch people anymore. In some ways I needed that. I certainly follow that with men so as not to give the wrong impression. But with women, I’m still seeking connection and not just lack of miscommunication. Which makes everything more complicated.

By nature I’m a very physical person. I like hugs. I could do long tight hugs with people every time I see them even if it was yesterday. I like the gentle tap of the shoulder or knee in the midst of conversation. Something about even those subtle innocuous moments makes me feel loved and accepted because to me it communicates a closeness and permission to be in their space. I like to give back scratches, or play with people's hair; I like to give massages to my friends and used to give them almost daily. The last year or so I have finally felt like maybe I could sort of try being a little more that way again. And I’ve tried to give myself permission for the occasional tap of the shoulder, hug, whatever. 

But the transition to this fills me with a lot of anxiety. Every tap of the shoulder, touch of the arm, every compliment (and I love to compliment too) comes only after I have had a conversation with myself as to whether or not I think I can do it without sending the wrong message. Whether or not it could make them think the wrong thing or make them uncomfortable. And sometimes I worry afterwards that I read the moment wrong. And I’m tired of thinking about my every move, though I recognize much of it exists only in my head.

Understand that even before people knew, I have never once taken advantage of a friend’s trust. I have never once touched someone with an intimate motive without their awareness and consent. And I certainly don’t ever plan on doing so. And even with this attempt to adjust my boundaries, I am very careful to monitor my own feelings so that if there is any chance that allowing that looser boundary will lead to temptation, I don’t. I keep to the old boundary unless I am positive it will not lead to anything. 

I just miss feeling free to express myself and interact with people the way I used to without feeling anxious about it… without constantly feeling like I’m a possible discomfort in people’s lives. I needed boundaries. Boundaries are good. But also... while boundaries should be in line with your values, they should also be in line with who you are.

I’ve been assured by people before that people shouldn’t be misreading my intentions because I’m clearly married and clearly not looking for a relationship. But geez if the awkward situation that happened with my affair-seeking-neighbor this year taught me anything… it’s to never assume that people think being married means you don’t have other intentions. So I remain in the middle, trying to walk a line between being myself, and trying to keep my intentions clear. And I hope one day it will come to me more easily again. I’m just tired.