My very first nickname was Hoot Owl. As a child, whenever I saw something I thought was interesting I would make the sound "Hoo hoo!" and everyone thought I sounded like a little owl cooing at everything I saw, so they called me Hoot Owl. I don't remember this of course because I was just a baby, but I do remember people telling me about it as a child.
In elementary school I had a few more nicknames. The first of which was Klingon. Princess Klingon if you asked me personally, but it was just plain Klingon to everyone else. You know that game where a child grabs onto your leg and you try to get them off? Well, that was my favorite game, and I liked to think I was rather good, thus the "princess bit." I'm sure I was seriously irritating... I had no sense of people's space bubbles just as a general rule. I also went by the name Juanita, but only in Spanish class. My third nickname for elementary school was Amelia Bedelia. My friends William Peebles and David Weidower liked to call me that and I hated it. ha, but who cares now, of course! ^_^ Oh, and Chloe Guenther used to always call me M&M. tender.
Freshman year of highschool my nicknames just spawned off like crazy! Beginning with Stalker. I don't really remember the circumstances, but I made up a "stalker walk" ... and let me tell you, this stalker walk was ridiculous. You can ask me to show it to you some time if you like, but I'll only show you if you're lucky! ha. Anyway... my friends thought it was hilarious and decided to call me stalker. That's the one that stuck the longest. All the others really just had random stories to them and usually didn't last for very long. Scribbles, because I drew on my arms in geography class... Poptart because I always brought pop tarts for lunch... Skittles--well that one was really only on accident. Siren, because I was so loud in the mornings when everyone else was so tired (that's the only nickname I refused to respond to, ha).
I've never really had any unique nicknames from boyfriends or anything like that... although that would be tender. I've always wanted something particularly unique and random... inside joke kind of thing, ya know? That had a story behind it so that it made sense. The usual "honey" "hon" "darling" et cetera don't count, ya know.
Lindy Lee calls me Amelia, because she's obsessed with french, and she thinks it sound pretty. And then there's always the normal shortenings of my name, "Em," "Emmy," that kind of thing. Every now and then people whip out Emily Jane. And in his letters, Michael refers to me as his favorite Texan girl. Or sometimes his cowgirl. And that always makes me smile.
But my favorite nickname of all time so far... has been "Amy"
One of my dear friends' father always comes up with a nickname for people, or animals that he really likes. And soon after I met him he started referring to me as Amy from Abilene. I thought it was the cutest thing, and I chose not to correct him because it was just plain tender. Someone asked him about it a year later or so, and he claims that they told him my name was Amy and he was just trying to call me by my name! But, I'm not sure I buy it! haha. Either way, he still calls me Amy from Abilene, and I'll love it forever.
But he's the only one allowed to call me Amy.
Just so ya know!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Waiting for a Missionary
I miss Michael.
Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.
I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.
One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.
Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.
And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.
I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.
But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.
And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.
Michael's mother gave my mother a hug on Sunday and asked my mother to make sure that I received that hug from her. And the first thing that came to my mind was that she somehow knew that I needed that hug.. from my mother and from her.
I miss Michael more now than I have ever missed him the whole time he has been gone. I've learned to deal with it a little better now with all the practice... so I'm atleast not an emotional wreck... but I miss him. This whole time, I've been a little shakey. I guess I'm a slow mover on the whole relationship path thing. I had a policy most of my life not to allow myself to get attached to men. I didn't want to let them get close enough to hurt me, because I suppose experiences in my life led to my general distrust of men. But we won't go in to that.
One day, I realized that I had become attached to Michael, and it scared me. But I liked it at the same time.. and that scared me.
Then he left, and people always say stuff like "Well, you never know." or "I waited for a missionary, but then I got married to a man who was not that missionary" or "Do you think you'll actually get married?" ... It's like the whole world is out to instill doubt. I've been so scared this whole time... because I knew there was a possibility, maybe I'd meet some guy like everybody said, and maybe we'd fall in love.. and I'd be married before Michael even came back. But I hoped with every fiber in my being that that would not happen. For months I prayed that I wouldn't. I told my Heavenly Father... I know there's probably more than one "right guy" out there for me... but please, I choose Michael. I want Michael. I want him more than anything. Please don't let it be some other guy.
And then I was worried about our feelings for eachother changing. Everyone always says "People change" or "You might not feel the same when he gets back." Like I hadn't thought of that already. I was worried he'd come back, and I would still love him desperately, but he wouldn't want me anymore. His feelings would change, or maybe I just wouldn't be good enough.
I tried to get over him you know... the first 6 months I tried. I dated other guys. Big shocker guys, I know.. I prayed to get over him, because I thought it would be easier. I thought that if it was meant to be, then we would fall back in love when he came back. But I just couldn't get over him. And so the thought of him coming back and not wanting me anymore... scared me. Because I wasn't sure if I could ever get over him. Ever.
But what it comes down to, is that I cannot picture myself with any other guy. No other guy has made me a better person. No other guy has wanted me to be better. No other guy has ever respected me like he does. No other guy has made me wish I was better.. so I could be better -- for him. And I have never respected any other man I have dated... Only Michael has ever earned my respect.
And I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him. Realizing that only makes me miss him more. And you know what... I still feel scared. I still worry. But I take comfort in the fact... that he is going to come back. And no man has ever made me feel as safe and loved as Michael has. And when he comes back... I know that feeling of safety will come back too. And even if I am scared out of my mind, I can still feel safe.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Life this Week
Life this week has been long and hectic... I couldn't begin to tell you everything that has happened and to be honest, you really wouldn't want to hear me talk about it for that long!
There was a death in the house this week. My mother's friend, Geraldine was living with us as my mother was taking care of her. I was upstairs in the room right above hers when it happened... forcing homework problems upon my nephews and nieces. It caused quite a stir in the house, as you might imagine... and I was tasked with keeping the kids busy upstairs so they wouldn't be downstairs as hospice and nurses and caretakers and family and all sorts of people came through the house. It was a long day for everyone.
There were mis-communications concerning funeral plans, and I had to field several angry phone calls... But I think I did a good job of deflecting their anger and not taking it personally.
Brandon got sick later in the week, and it ended up just being him and I at home while everyone else was either at work or helping my brother move... He threw up a couple times... once on the carpet, which I had to attempt cleaning up. After that I went to the store to pick up gatorade and other goodies for my sick child. Later in the afternoon he decided that every time he got up he ended up puking, and finally resigned himself to staying in bed... at which time, I also took a nap!
Today was long even though not much happened... One or the other of my various health problems decided to spike today and my supply of pain meds has done nothing to soothe my aches. I am happiest when curled up in a little ball.. but I've had several excuses that require my movement and so I haven't been able to stay in bed.
At this point, I am just ready to go to bed. Sleep sleep sleep. I'm glad this week is stake conference as it means I do not have any social obligations to fulfill, and it means as soon as church is over I can sleep.
I'm hoping things in my family will die down for a while, because I'm hoping to run off with my mother to our favorite camping spot. No phones. No drama. Just green therapy.
There was a death in the house this week. My mother's friend, Geraldine was living with us as my mother was taking care of her. I was upstairs in the room right above hers when it happened... forcing homework problems upon my nephews and nieces. It caused quite a stir in the house, as you might imagine... and I was tasked with keeping the kids busy upstairs so they wouldn't be downstairs as hospice and nurses and caretakers and family and all sorts of people came through the house. It was a long day for everyone.
There were mis-communications concerning funeral plans, and I had to field several angry phone calls... But I think I did a good job of deflecting their anger and not taking it personally.
Brandon got sick later in the week, and it ended up just being him and I at home while everyone else was either at work or helping my brother move... He threw up a couple times... once on the carpet, which I had to attempt cleaning up. After that I went to the store to pick up gatorade and other goodies for my sick child. Later in the afternoon he decided that every time he got up he ended up puking, and finally resigned himself to staying in bed... at which time, I also took a nap!
Today was long even though not much happened... One or the other of my various health problems decided to spike today and my supply of pain meds has done nothing to soothe my aches. I am happiest when curled up in a little ball.. but I've had several excuses that require my movement and so I haven't been able to stay in bed.
At this point, I am just ready to go to bed. Sleep sleep sleep. I'm glad this week is stake conference as it means I do not have any social obligations to fulfill, and it means as soon as church is over I can sleep.
I'm hoping things in my family will die down for a while, because I'm hoping to run off with my mother to our favorite camping spot. No phones. No drama. Just green therapy.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Judgement
If there is one thing that seems to be forming as a pattern in my life right now... it is Judgement. I watch everyone in my home constantly judging others. And while I understand where everyone is coming from... I don't really enjoy the constant negativity.
Then there's the other side of things... my awareness that people are also judging me. Even within my own friends and family. People don't really understand every angle or all the pieces to the equation. They don't understand what I feel or where my loyalties and duties lie. Everyone has different things that they prioritize due to how they were raised and what their goals are, and what their hopes and aspirations may be... And no one can truly understand all the variables that go into what decisions people make.
So why do we insist on judging others?
No, I do not currently have a job.
No, I do not currently have much of a life plan.
No, I am not currently set on a path that directly leads to a bachelor's degree.
But I do have reasons. I do have options. I do have goals and aspirations. And I have hope. I also have faith that everything will work out for the best. And if I don't know when, where, or how... I certainly don't think anyone else has any idea either.. besides God, of course.
So let's all give our friends, neighbors, family, and acquaintances a clean slate, fresh bill of health, and a little more of our respect than we were allowing before. Because we are all doing our best. That I do believe.
Then there's the other side of things... my awareness that people are also judging me. Even within my own friends and family. People don't really understand every angle or all the pieces to the equation. They don't understand what I feel or where my loyalties and duties lie. Everyone has different things that they prioritize due to how they were raised and what their goals are, and what their hopes and aspirations may be... And no one can truly understand all the variables that go into what decisions people make.
So why do we insist on judging others?
No, I do not currently have a job.
No, I do not currently have much of a life plan.
No, I am not currently set on a path that directly leads to a bachelor's degree.
But I do have reasons. I do have options. I do have goals and aspirations. And I have hope. I also have faith that everything will work out for the best. And if I don't know when, where, or how... I certainly don't think anyone else has any idea either.. besides God, of course.
So let's all give our friends, neighbors, family, and acquaintances a clean slate, fresh bill of health, and a little more of our respect than we were allowing before. Because we are all doing our best. That I do believe.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Fall fun
Sharon and Steve got a trampoline off freecycle the other day.. so we've got a pretty good sized trampoline in the backyard! Not as good as the one we had growing up, but still good. We've been jumping daily since! And taking pictures in the air of course! haha. It's been fun.
Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!
Oh the love!
Last night we fixed up a little fire pit in the back yard and had a little camp fire and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and starbursts. It was a good, fun evening.. and a good day!
Oh the love!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Complicated
well.. home life is currently ignoring the awkward intricacies that exist amongst our family relations right now.... so glad we master the game of pretend as children =/
I couldn't even begin to give a summary of the various kinds of drama that plague my home... and, to be honest... you wouldn't want to know. I don't even want to know most of the time. I try very hard not to know as much as possible actually... and yet I still feel plagued with drama. That's how bad it is.
Tension levels are high for multiple reasons.. I can think of atleast five off the top of my head. Everyone's emotions are pretty close to the surface about now, and there's usually some amount of yelling, screaming, fighting, general anger, or crying ... just about every day. Not to mention the use of breathing techniques. ha.
I hope we all gain something from this trial period.. That way it can atleast attempt being an experience worth all the fuss.
We'll be okay. I'm still okay =) So glad to have the church though.
I couldn't even begin to give a summary of the various kinds of drama that plague my home... and, to be honest... you wouldn't want to know. I don't even want to know most of the time. I try very hard not to know as much as possible actually... and yet I still feel plagued with drama. That's how bad it is.
Tension levels are high for multiple reasons.. I can think of atleast five off the top of my head. Everyone's emotions are pretty close to the surface about now, and there's usually some amount of yelling, screaming, fighting, general anger, or crying ... just about every day. Not to mention the use of breathing techniques. ha.
I hope we all gain something from this trial period.. That way it can atleast attempt being an experience worth all the fuss.
We'll be okay. I'm still okay =) So glad to have the church though.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Teaching
My major is American Government Education ... this is because I chose the degree in which I felt I was least knowledgeable in, and needed to know most about in order to fulfill my responsibilities as a good citizen.
Before that I was an English Education major, because I have felt a love for English for a long time. It always just seemed to click. But I don't really enjoy a lot of the over analysis that is necessary to get a degree in English. And of course Art Education, but that's just because I enjoy drawing, and am fairly good at it.. I also think I would have the most freedom in teaching an Art class. I've always stuck with Education no matter how many times I've switched my major because that is the one thing that I guess has just never even been a question in my mind. I like teaching, and I feel I've always been good at it.
But I think in all honesty, if I were to teach any subject... it would be 3rd grade math. Too bad third grade isn't categorized by subject just yet.. I'd have to get a degree in Elementary Education and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Besides... the only teaching I've done has been one on one where I could design my course to fit the needs of the student! I think I'd go crazy with the limitations placed on me by the school district and state requirements and a large classroom of varying personalities of children.
But I really do enjoy teaching it, none the less. I seem destined to it to a certain extent... seeing as I had the opportunity to teach my nephew Jonathan when he was doing third grade math... and now I'm teaching his younger brother Brandon, who is now taking his turn in third grade math. Coincidence, yeah?
Before that I was an English Education major, because I have felt a love for English for a long time. It always just seemed to click. But I don't really enjoy a lot of the over analysis that is necessary to get a degree in English. And of course Art Education, but that's just because I enjoy drawing, and am fairly good at it.. I also think I would have the most freedom in teaching an Art class. I've always stuck with Education no matter how many times I've switched my major because that is the one thing that I guess has just never even been a question in my mind. I like teaching, and I feel I've always been good at it.
But I think in all honesty, if I were to teach any subject... it would be 3rd grade math. Too bad third grade isn't categorized by subject just yet.. I'd have to get a degree in Elementary Education and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Besides... the only teaching I've done has been one on one where I could design my course to fit the needs of the student! I think I'd go crazy with the limitations placed on me by the school district and state requirements and a large classroom of varying personalities of children.
But I really do enjoy teaching it, none the less. I seem destined to it to a certain extent... seeing as I had the opportunity to teach my nephew Jonathan when he was doing third grade math... and now I'm teaching his younger brother Brandon, who is now taking his turn in third grade math. Coincidence, yeah?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Pride Cycle
When reading the scriptures... people always comment that they find it so absurd that in periods of history such as after Christ's death, it takes so little time for the people to dissent from the truth. We always think, "They had seen Christ! How is it that they could have strayed so far in only 200 years?" Or in other sections of the scriptures where the people were righteous, and then in just one generation they were wicked again worshiping Baal just like their great great great grandparents or what have you...
I've always wondered how many people realize how preposterous that manner of thinking is. I'll tell you right now that without even knowing a single clue as to the lives of my ancestors from 200 years ago, that I am a very different person than they were, and I'm sure I live my life very differently than they would have me living according to their traditions.
We should know better to think that way from the example of our lives alone. Just because I had a testimony when I was seven doesn't mean I didn't rebel when I was thirteen. Just because I had a testimony when I was fourteen doesn't mean I didn't stray when I was sixteen. I felt firm and steadfast when I was eighteen, and yet I have struggled since then. I have been righteous, and I have been wicked. And that cycle has happened several times within my own life, let alone in the time span of a generation or more. I think that many of us look back on historic times as a fairy tale void of the passing of real time, with real emotions and complications. But they're lives were as much of a fairy tale as ours are now. We place higher expectations on these historical figures, than we would ever place on most people we know.
It does not matter what miracles you have seen, and it does not matter what time you grew up in. Nephi's brothers saw angels and yet that did nothing for them. It is only the strength of our testimony and our faith that mean anything.
My greatest goal in life will be to foster the kind of faith and testimony in my life that can endure an entire generation. One that I can pass on to my children while they foster their own.
I've always wondered how many people realize how preposterous that manner of thinking is. I'll tell you right now that without even knowing a single clue as to the lives of my ancestors from 200 years ago, that I am a very different person than they were, and I'm sure I live my life very differently than they would have me living according to their traditions.
We should know better to think that way from the example of our lives alone. Just because I had a testimony when I was seven doesn't mean I didn't rebel when I was thirteen. Just because I had a testimony when I was fourteen doesn't mean I didn't stray when I was sixteen. I felt firm and steadfast when I was eighteen, and yet I have struggled since then. I have been righteous, and I have been wicked. And that cycle has happened several times within my own life, let alone in the time span of a generation or more. I think that many of us look back on historic times as a fairy tale void of the passing of real time, with real emotions and complications. But they're lives were as much of a fairy tale as ours are now. We place higher expectations on these historical figures, than we would ever place on most people we know.
It does not matter what miracles you have seen, and it does not matter what time you grew up in. Nephi's brothers saw angels and yet that did nothing for them. It is only the strength of our testimony and our faith that mean anything.
My greatest goal in life will be to foster the kind of faith and testimony in my life that can endure an entire generation. One that I can pass on to my children while they foster their own.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Something Missing
Over the years, I have more than once, come to a situation in which I struggle. I struggle to the point that I feel like I can't do it alone. The independent in me responds to that with a lot of pride, and says that I need to buck up, stop being a baby, rub some dirt in it, and just move on--no drama--no need for anyone to know about it but me.
There's another part of me, that says the best friendships can only be fostered in allowing people to see you when you are vulnerable. You have to be willing and able to open up to people. You also have to be able to let your pride down and be willing sometimes to let other people help you.
On the flip side, there are some things we have to do on our own, and should be able to do on our own.
This is a scale that I find very difficult to balance. When do you let your guard down, and let people help you... and when do you buck up, and work through it on your own?
This is my default setting, stumbling between these two options. But, I think there's something missing in that equation. Part of what's missing, is the Lord, the atonement. We can't do everything on our own, and that's something we all have to realize. However, there are also things that we cannot do even with the help of our friends. And so if those are the only options we allow ourselves, then there will be some things we will never be able to do. And I know that for me personally, that is something I just can't accept. I don't believe in the "glass ceiling." I want to be able to do anything I set my heart on.
My weakness then, is factoring in the atonement. Christ suffered in Gethsemane for our sins, our sorrows, and our struggles... he is what fills the gap between perfection, and man's imperfection.
I need to strengthen my testimony of the Atonement's ability to work in my life and not just everybody else's. I need to remember Christ's powerful desire to come and lift me up when I have fallen--to bless me when I am in need.
because the Church.. is True.
Helaman 4: 12-15; 22-26
There's another part of me, that says the best friendships can only be fostered in allowing people to see you when you are vulnerable. You have to be willing and able to open up to people. You also have to be able to let your pride down and be willing sometimes to let other people help you.
On the flip side, there are some things we have to do on our own, and should be able to do on our own.
This is a scale that I find very difficult to balance. When do you let your guard down, and let people help you... and when do you buck up, and work through it on your own?
This is my default setting, stumbling between these two options. But, I think there's something missing in that equation. Part of what's missing, is the Lord, the atonement. We can't do everything on our own, and that's something we all have to realize. However, there are also things that we cannot do even with the help of our friends. And so if those are the only options we allow ourselves, then there will be some things we will never be able to do. And I know that for me personally, that is something I just can't accept. I don't believe in the "glass ceiling." I want to be able to do anything I set my heart on.
My weakness then, is factoring in the atonement. Christ suffered in Gethsemane for our sins, our sorrows, and our struggles... he is what fills the gap between perfection, and man's imperfection.
I need to strengthen my testimony of the Atonement's ability to work in my life and not just everybody else's. I need to remember Christ's powerful desire to come and lift me up when I have fallen--to bless me when I am in need.
because the Church.. is True.
Helaman 4: 12-15; 22-26
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