This is the unabridged version of a talk I gave in Church two weeks ago. It needed to be abridged because I only had 15 minutes to talk, and this version, definitely takes longer than that.
A few years ago, I came upon a somewhat chance encounter with a girl in my Relief Society at the time. We didn’t know each other, but decided to make an attempt at being friends, mainly because we discovered that years prior, I had been friends with her brother. The first night we decided to hang out, I expected little more than semi-awkward get to know you type conversation, and instead, was pleasantly surprised by a conversation that somehow took way and delved into deeply raw, personal subjects for us both. Ironically, I think both of us walked away from the conversation thinking we were fine, and the other person needed more therapy. However, the conversation was one of those that kept replaying in my head day after day. I eventually called her a few days later, and while still insisting that I was fine, admitted that the only thing wrong in my life at that point, was that I felt I had come to such a deep sense of apathy, that I was no longer capable of feeling the influence of the Holy Ghost. It’s cute now, looking back, that I phrased this as “the only thing wrong” as though this were such a small and inconsequential thing. In dealing with past trauma, I think I had eventually come to the unspoken conclusion that the best way to deal with it was to disconnect myself from my emotions. In doing so, I believe I eventually numbed myself to all feeling. And that included sadness, but also joy, and in turn, the influence of the Holy Ghost. Had I truly been honest with myself at the time, I might have acknowledged that that wasn’t the only thing wrong in my life at the time, but I got there eventually.
Her response is what got me. She told me that that lack of spirituality absolutely, 100% could be a side effect of my past trauma, and that seeing a therapist may help me to regain that part of myself again. Convincing me to see a therapist is not an easy feat, despite having majored in Social Work myself, I’m a stubborn sort. But after a few weeks of continuing to dwell on the things we had talked about, I eventually approached Michael with the idea that perhaps seeing a therapist could be worth it, if it could help me feel less numb—feel the spirit again. Despite the glib nature by which I had described this as “the only thing wrong in my life” I was feeling fairly hopeless at the time.
I found a therapist with LDS Family Services because I felt it especially important to visit with someone who would understand my focus of regaining my sensitivity to the spirit. I saw her for several months, and the process was definitely helpful, but I think the most inspired thing she told me was that she felt impressed that I should start attending the Addiction Recovery Program. Initially the advice came across as a mismatch, because I did not identify as having an addiction. However, what I understood about the program was that it had a focus on applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ to our lives. And I had already felt personally impressed that I needed to study the Atonement. So, I decided to take her advice as inspired, and agreed to go. It took several months before I understood the true reason why the meetings were a good fit for what I was dealing with, but when I finally did, and was able to admit those struggles with the group during the sharing portion of the meeting, everything about those meetings changed.
Today, I would like to walk you through the 12 steps outlined in the
Addiction Recovery Program. However, instead of thinking of them in the context of addiction, let’s try to think about this in the context of how each of us can work on applying and utilizing the Atonement of Jesus Christ in each of our lives.
Step 1: Honesty. KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions, and that your life has become unmanageable. “Look at your family and social relationships, your relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability to help and bless others, your health. Then look for contradictions between what you believe in and hope for, and your behavior. Consider how your actions undermine what you value. You can pray that the Lord will help you see yourself and your life as He sees it—with all your divine potential—and what you risk by continuing in your [current behavior].”
How many of us value loving and respecting the people around us, and yet still struggle with yelling at our children? How many of us value the principles of repentance, and the power of being forgiven, and yet hold grudges against those who have harmed us? How many of us have blamed our circumstances for our choices? How many of us need to evaluate ourselves, and be honest with ourselves about the many ways in which we could try to be more like Jesus?
I can be prideful. People who know me know that I don’t often like to ask for help. I know this about myself. I’m the type of person that walks into a store and avoids all the workers, and passive aggressively tell them I’m fine when they try to help me. Go away, I don’t need help. I’m like that. Although some of that is more social anxiety than pride. It depends on the day. This step for me was about accepting that I needed help, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were a source of help that I could reach out to, among others. In the margins I have written “Real connections to others are essential to recovery.”
Action Steps: 1. Become willing to abstain
2. Let go of pride and seek humility
3. Admit the problem, seek help
Step 2: Hope. KEY PRINCIPLE: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health. In step 2, “[you become] willing to replace trust in [yourself] and [your temptations] with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ.”
Step 2 for me, came from the sense of community at the ARP meetings. That is what I really miss. When COVID hit, I felt I was on the verge of dropping to a low point, and I was afraid of what relapses were possible without the support of that community. Not even COVID related, it was just bad timing. My brain felt like a chaotic minefield and I felt like I was absolutely losing it. You can bet, I would go back to the meetings, if the in-person meetings were re-instated. Because watching your fellow group members rejoice in their successes, the hope light up in their eyes, watching them fall only to keep trying, was the most hope inspiring thing. I needed that more than I knew.
In attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I quickly came to an awareness, that while I felt I had tried to make changes or improvements I had not placed my trust in faith, or Jesus Christ, and had to accept that perhaps this was why I had failed to make any meaningful changes in my life. We often have a do-it-yourself attitude, and forget that we can pray for help from Heavenly Father to restore us to the celestial beings we have the potential to be. So, how do we seek His power and influence in our life?
Action Steps: 1. Pray; read and ponder the scriptures
2. Believe in God the Eternal Father and in His son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost
Step 3. Trust in God. KEY PRINCIPLE: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Step 3 is “a decision to allow God to recover and redeem us. It [is] a decision to allow Him to direct our lives, remembering, of course, that He always respects our agency. Thus, we [decide] to put our lives in His hands”
In the margins of my ARP manual, I have written that “When we loan our will to God, (which is a continuous, often repeated choice), we get it back plus interest.” I think an important thing to remember, at least for me, is that what we are being asked here, is to DECIDE to turn our will and life over. It does not mean we have failed if we have not already done so. It does not even mean that we are READY to turn our will and life over. It merely means, that we are ready to make that our goal and begin today to make what changes we can to allow that process to begin. I had this realization a lot in ARP. I had not failed just because I had not “conquered” this step or that step. Honestly, I also felt like my healing in ARP was not linear. In part because the group is reading through the steps each week, whether that is the step that you are currently on or not. Which I loved. So often, I found inspiration in something from Step 12 that I was able to apply to step 3 or whatever. And also, healing in and of itself is not linear. I did not progress through step 1, step 2, step 3… I often felt like I was achieving step 1, and then step 5, and then step 2, and then step 3. And, of course, sometimes I repeated steps. In a lot of ways, I found step 3 to be the most terrifying. Trusting in God felt like an extremely vulnerable thing to do. I have only ever trusted in myself because it seemed like I was less likely to be hurt that way. But I also have written in the margins of my ARP book, that trusting in God, is in effect, a cure for anxiety. Albeit a challenging "cure."
Action Steps:1. Attend sacrament meeting: review and renew baptismal covenants
2. Decide to trust and obey God; change what you can change; accept what you cannot change
Step 4. Truth. KEY PRINCIPLE: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself. In step 4, “it means you commit to rigorous honesty as you focus on events in your life, including your own weaknesses, and not on anyone else’s weaknesses.” “Through this inventory, we [identify] negative thoughts, emotions, and actions that [rule] our lives. By discovering those destructive elements in our lives, we [take] the first step in correcting them.” “One way to do an inventory is to list memories of people; institutions or organizations; principles, ideas, or beliefs; and events, situations, or circumstances that trigger positive and negative feelings (including sadness, regret, anger, resentment, fear, bitterness).” “As you do your inventory, look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior. Your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are actually the roots of your [behaviors]. Unless you examine all your tendencies toward fear, pride, resentment, anger, self-will, and self-pity, your abstinence will be shaky at best.”
What stands out to me here, is that all of us have weaknesses. All of us struggle to not be ruled by our emotions and negative thoughts. Each of us have bad habits that we can acknowledge, not just sins of great magnitude. And each of would benefit from analyzing those flaws to the point of understanding our triggers, and why we do the things we do. This is a means of taking accountability for our actions, instead of saying “well I did that because they made me angry.” Our actions are our responsibility, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. This was admittedly a hard step for me. I struggled with the shame that enveloped each mistake, each maladaptive coping mechanism I had developed. But being honest with myself helped me feel more ready to put my trust in God, and acknowledge my need for his help. Acknowledging them also helped me to let them go.
Step 4 to me, was less about writing down everything I had done wrong although I tried to do that… in some ways I think I’ve done that my whole life. Kept a list of everything I’ve done wrong to use as a weapon to beat myself with. I have a long memory of things I’ve done wrong. That last action step “Remember your sins no more” has been the most difficult. However, I will say that my husband has always been the greatest example of this. Any time I have ever had anything to share with him regarding a mistake I had made, I have never been met with anger. His response has always been one that reflected immediate forgiveness. His attitude comes across as “If you have repented, and God has forgiven you, then I have nothing to forgive you for.” Yeah. Mind blowing. What was more important, and far more difficult for me was identifying the triggers, the “why’s,” the root that needed to be uprooted in order for permanent change to happen. I’m probably still working on that.
Action Steps:1. Write in a personal journal, seek guidance from the Holy Ghost
2. Make an accounting of your life, past and present
3. Remember your sins no more
Step 5. Confession. KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. In step 5, we [begin] to recognize patterns of weaknesses that [have] influenced our choices. We [start] to understand our tendencies toward negative thoughts and emotions (self-will, fear, pride, self-pity, jealousy, self-righteousness, anger, resentment, unbridled passions and desires and so on). Step 4 is a private experience, but step 5 allows you to “throw off the shackles of [your] isolating secrets and gain some perspective on [yourself] and the past.”
I think this boils down to communication, and community. The most healing part of my experience with the Addiction Recover Program, was finding the courage and the commitment to discuss with my spouse, the failings and mistakes I had made. And the continuous efforts toward communicating our needs, desires and failings and goals, are what make our marriage what it is today, instead of what it was 7 or 8 years ago. Without that regular communication, I feel alone, and without peace, unsafe even. And as necessary, taking things to proper priesthood authority, have helped us feel like we are doing our best to live our lives aligned with God’s will.
Beginning ARP, I didn’t think I had anything I needed to confess. Or at the very least, I was determined that I never would confess them. And in all honesty, I never have read my inventory aloud for anyone as this step suggests. It never felt cohesive and organized enough to do that. I shared parts with people as I sorted through my thoughts. But it is always on my mind, that one of the things that is important for me, is to prevent myself from feeling isolated. When I feel alone with my thoughts, I get lost in them. I am learning every day to be just a little bit better at relying on my spouse for a sense of connectedness, and being willing to be vulnerable with him.
Action Steps: 1. Begin to seek forgiveness; counsel with the bishop as needed; be honest with God, yourself, and others.
2. Let peace come into your life
Step 6. Change of Heart. KEY PRINCIPLE: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses. “Step 6 means surrendering to God all remnants of pride and self-will.” “As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, that recognizing and confessing your character weaknesses in steps 4 and 5 did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up.” “As you come unto Jesus Christ, seeking help with this step, you will not be disappointed. If you trust Him and have patience with the process, you will see your pride gradually replaced by humility. He will wait patiently for you to weary of your own unaided effort to change, and as soon as you turn to Him you will witness once again His love and power in your behalf”
This hit me in the feels, going through the program. Sure, I had acknowledged my weaknesses. Sure I had been able to confess some of them. But that did not mean I was ready to change. Willing, and wanting, yes. But I did not know how. And because part of why I felt I was attending ARP was to figure out how to deal with my feelings of same-sex attraction… I didn’t know how to apply that to this step. I did not think that having a change of heart was going to mean becoming straight. And that wasn’t my goal in attending the meetings. I think the most accurate thing I can say is that the change of heart I had was learning to accept it in such a way so to allow it to become an open part of me, instead of always feeling like there was this big secret waiting to escape. I actually have some really good comments in the margins for this section. Here are two:
“Feelings buried alive never die”
“You can tell God anything/everything because he won’t judge you. It’s not yet his time to judge.”
Action Steps: 1. Be willing to allow the Savior to convert your heart; participate in the fellowship of Christ by attending Sunday School and Relief Society or priesthood meeting
2. Be willing to be changed so imperfections may be removed through the power of God
Step 7. Humility. KEY PRINCIPLE: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings. In step 6, “Finally, voluntarily, with all our hearts, we [offer] our whole souls to God and [ask] Him to forgive us and make us in His image. [We finally] come to realize that no other name, no other way nor means, can give us a complete remission of our sins. Holding nothing back, we [plead] with the Father that He, in His infinite mercy, [will] forgive us for all our pride, transgressions, and shortcomings.”
This feels like a work in progress. And realistically, something that I will keep coming back to. But taken from the margins of my work book, one goal here “Accept my limitations—and be happy”
I recently came across a
video of a face-to-face event with Elder Eyring and Elder Holland, where they address the subject of the atonement that I really liked. In that video, Elder Holland quotes a scripture, Moroni 8: 26
26 And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God.
This is something I gained a powerful witness of in attending the addiction recovery meetings. The people in that room, especially those that had been attending for years, were so beautifully meek. And you could just feel that they had been filled with the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost, and that it was working miracles in their lives. What does it mean to utilize the atonement in our lives? Elder Eyring said it beautifully in that video. I won’t try to quote him, but to me it means working through the steps, be it these 12 steps, or your own, to create a relationship with Jesus Christ, and having faith in him, so that his love can have an unexpected influence in shaping you and your life, and bring you closer to Heavenly Father.
Action Steps: 1. Seek for the power of the Savior’s Atonement to become effective in your personal life by meditating on the sacrament prayers
2. Pray humbly for God to do for you what you cannot do for yourself
Step 8. Seeking Forgiveness. KEY PRINCIPLE: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them. “Admit the harm you [do] to loved ones and friends by being irresponsible, irritable, critical, impatient, and dishonorable. Look for anything large or small that [adds] to another person’s burdens or that [saddens] or [challenges] someone. Look for lies you told or promises you broke and ways you manipulated or used others.” “Step 8 is not an exercise in casting guilt or shame on anyone—either yourself or those on your lists. The Savior will lift the burdens of guilt and shame as you take one more honest look at troubles in your relationships and your part in them”
One thing I have realized about myself is that I can be a master manipulator. I can take a fault that someone has found in me, and turn it completely back on them to the point that they believe it to be their fault. I know exactly how to take the attention off me, and my dishonorable behavior and cast the guilt and shame elsewhere. This trait does not help me grow, or make improvements. All it has allowed me to do was hide from the guilt and shame, and continue in whatever applicable behavior. Developing a relationship with Jesus Christ means abandoning all dishonesty. It means taking full responsibility for my actions. It means being accountable, and it also means loving others enough to lift them, and finding ways to lift them instead of being a burden. And when I do that, I also find that I am learning to better love them with the same love Jesus Christ offers us. He loves us by doing his best to lift us. Seeking forgiveness is a way to be accountable for my actions, and then be better.
Action Steps: 1. Forgive yourself and others; make a list of people you might have offended or harmed
2. Seek the gift of charity; pray for others
Step 9. Restitution and Reconciliation. KEY PRINCIPLE: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed. “Upon completing step 9 to the best of your ability, you have finally done all you can to put yourself in harmony with the commandments of the Lord. You have begun to experience a new life of hope—not in yourself but in the love of God. You have gone down into the depths of humility and found the Lord waiting to embrace you. You have done all you can to heal relationships and become reconciled to others. You have at least partially entered into His rest; remaining there has become your greatest desire. You are learning to recognize and follow personal revelation better, which leads you to live in harmony with the teachings of ancient and modern prophets of God. Even in your most difficult moments, you feel a new kind of peace. You have learned to receive the blessing Paul described when he wrote, ‘The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus’”
To me, at this point, this step is about doing my best to be my best self every day. And it doesn’t happen every day. But I am regularly striving to make restitution, by being better.
Action Steps: 1. Love others; refrain from judging others; be willing to accept a Church calling and to pay tithes and offerings
2. Be willing to do what is necessary to make amends
Step 10. Daily Accountability. KEY PRINCIPLE: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it. You may “follow step 10 by taking inventory each day. As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others? Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. As the day unfolds, you can quickly stop negative thoughts or feelings that threaten to overwhelm you. Be especially alert for old behaviors or thinking patterns during highly stressful situations.”
This is something that I struggle with. I struggle finding balance. I struggle with prioritizing my spiritual needs. And I struggle with allowing my negative thoughts/feelings overwhelm me. But I do think that I am doing better at being on the look-out for old habits, and seeking balance with my emotional and physical needs. These are a daily thing. I know I will be working on this my whole life. We cannot merely walk through steps, and then be perfect, and Christ-like and wonderful. One of my favorite quotes is one from Anne of Green Gables: “Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.” This also means that tomorrow has no promised perfection in it either. Tomorrow is what we make it, through the choices that we make that day.
Action Steps: 1. Participate in priesthood interviews as part of your commitment to self-appraisal; continue to strengthen your relationships with other Church members
2. Examine your thoughts, words, and deeds daily; immediately set right any wrongs
Step 11. Personal Revelation. KEY PRINCIPLE: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out. “As you work through step 11, you will come to realize even more that through the Holy Ghost you will receive knowledge or revelation of the Father’s will for you. Through the Atonement, you will have the power (or grace) to carry out the will of the Father.” “Like the Savior, you will be able to say sincerely “Thy will be done” (Matthew 26:42) throughout the day. The Light of Christ will guide you and prepare you to receive the companionship of the Holy Ghost. The companionship of the Holy Ghost will become more constant, and your ability to recognize and testify of truth will increase.”
I think of this as a sort of culminating milestone. I feel the most confident and sure of my standing with Heavenly Father, when I am able to receive personal revelation. When I feel the spirit testifying to me, and telling me that I have a job to do, and a place in his work. I also think this step is akin to the baptism process. All the other steps prepared us for “baptism” or rather, the desire to seek, and the steps necessary to act on the will of Heavenly Father. But this step, is the confirmation after the baptism. You’ve done what you were asked to do, and now Heavenly Father says “receive the Holy Ghost.” Maybe you haven’t received it yet, but you are being instructed to do some inner soul searching on how to best “receive.” And again, this is not some one-and-done thing. It’s a process, an ever evolving one.
Action Steps: 1. Come unto the Father in the name of Jesus Christ for direction and power through private prayer and meditation; receive and study your patriarchal blessing
2. Meditate throughout the day on the scriptures and other inspired literature; continue to pray
Step 12. Service. KEY PRINCIPLE: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do. By Step 12, “You have a message of hope for [others], for all afflicted and troubled people who are willing to consider a spiritual approach to changing their lives, and for anyone seeking truth and righteousness. The message is that God is a God of miracles, just as He has always been (see Moroni 7:29). Your life proves that. You are becoming a new person through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You will share this message best through your efforts to serve others. As you serve, your understanding and knowledge of this process is strengthened and deepened. Sharing your testimony of His mercy and His grace is one of the most important services you can offer”
Action Steps: 1. Bear public testimony; magnify callings and talents in serving others; hold family home evening and family prayer; prepare to attend the temple and worship there
2. Serve others who struggle with addiction by sharing the principles of recovery; apply these principles in all aspects of life
The true culminating step. I think this step illustrates that when we have gone through the steps to grow closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, when we have done all that we can to improve ourselves, and learn to rely on them, when we have done all that we can to accept them, and their love, and be humble… We seek to be like them. And seeking to be like them is best embodied through service. The desire to love and lift others.
I don’t always know how to talk about my experiences with the ARP program. Because a lot of why I went is to learn to deal with my same-sex attraction, although that's certainly not the only thing I addressed while attending. And I never want anyone to think that I think it is just an addiction to be kicked. I don’t want anyone to be hurt that way. It was an extremely personal thing for me, and it helped me. And I would love for it to help others. But I don’t always know how to explain why it helped. To me, it was about learning to see myself as God sees me. It was about learning that he loves me, all of me. It was about seeing that he loves us even when we make mistakes. It was about learning that he loves us even when we don’t fit the mold. It was about learning to love him, and learning to want to be like him… but wanting to be like him,
by being myself. If that makes sense. And it was about acknowledging the things I had done wrong, in order to find ways I could do them right.
I hope that the connection to the Atonement of Jesus Christ is clear. I hope that as each of us progress through these steps in our lives, that we may become more prepared to help others find and utilize the gift of his atonement. In preparing this talk, and thumbing through my copy of the Addiction Recovery Program’s guide book, I found myself wishing I could share the feelings recorded in the margins, the moments where I can observe myself changing, and slowly finding the will to be influenced and aided by God—the process of personal revelation that occurred as I learned new things with each repetition of the steps while attending meetings. Much like reading the scriptures, or my patriarchal blessing, I have found that something new has stood out to me each time I have sat down to study its messages. Yet one thing remains. And that is that the principles found in the book, are ones that can help everyone, and not just those struggling in the depths of addiction. Because the principles by which solace are found, are ones of universal love and counsel to guide us away from our natural man, through life’s trials, to the arms of our Heavenly Father, by accepting Christ’s sacrifice, and applying his principles to our lives.
