Saying No, Even at Church

I was raised to believe that good members of the church said yes to any calling without question. I grew up believing that being good meant doing as I was asked. Follow the leader. Do what you’re told. Do what’s asked of you. I don’t really want to get into a big debate on that subject. And I’m definitely not saying that it’s bad to say yes to every calling or do what’s asked of you. But I do want to make that bar a little more realistic.

I remember as a teenager in young women’s, for the very first time being aware that someone said “No” to the request from a leader “Could you say the prayer?” And it was sort of a mind blowing moment for me. I could say no. I had a choice. And the next time someone called on me to say the prayer, I said no. In fact, I said no many more times, for a long time. I remember the look of shock from a leader when I finally said yes. I’m sure it was an annoyance to my leaders that I wasn’t sharing the “load” by excluding myself from the rotation. And I’m sure to some extent it was likely a signal to them that I was less than perfect, and had a less than perfect testimony. And that was true. But looking back, I also think it was extremely healthy for me to feel like I had agency. Whether or not I participated became a choice which meant that when I finally decided to participate, it actually meant something. Because of that, part of me is a little proud when my children say “no” when we ask on them to say a prayer. Because I am grateful that they recognize that they have a choice.

The same thing could be said for going to church. As a child you often don’t feel like you have a choice. You go to church because your parents go and maybe because they make you go. And I had a while as a youth when I really didn’t want to go. Actually, at the time it really didn’t have a lot to do with whether or not I believed in church. There was just a bully at church and I didn’t want to deal with it. But I was extremely grateful when my parents began to respect and give me freedom to choose for myself whether I would go to church or not. It allowed me to feel safe because I had choice, and power over my life and whether or not I would engage with the bully or not. And eventually I learned that choosing to go to church or not was a powerful way to honor my testimony of the church. But only because I had the choice to go or not.

On a few occasions in my life, I have been the participant of a group prayer where someone said something I didn’t agree with. And it struck me that I didn’t like that I was expected to say “amen” at the end, signaling my agreement when in reality I did not feel aligned with the words said… It wasn’t until some time later that someone portrayed the mind-blowing perspective to me, that we have a choice. We can choose not to say “amen” if we don’t agree with something someone has said in a prayer. I can’t tell you how healing that was to me. To know that I was never stuck. That I have the freedom to choose.

It took me a while before I realized that I could apply that same “freedom to say no” to other areas of my life. Stories for another day, but I think I would have had better experiences with boys in my childhood, high school and college had I realized that I had the power to say no instead of just not saying yes and hoping the problems would go away. The power of voicing your agency, setting boundaries, and protecting that power to choose.

I was listening to a podcast recently. And the guy was talking about crisis of faith. And he said that it’s important to remember that we have choice. You CAN leave the church. You have that choice. And it’s important to remember that we have that choice. Because then the decision to stay or go actually has meaning instead of just staying wherever you are simply because you feel stuck. And the correct answer is the one that allows for you to grow.

So, while I believe in sustaining fellow members of the church in their callings, whether they are leadership or not, by trying to support them and respect any inspiration they may receive related to that calling… I also believe that we do not have to follow blindly. We can stop for a minute or a day or a week, and pray to receive our own confirmation of what they are asking and how we should proceed. And we can put our own self-care into the equation for whether or not we will do what is being asked. Sometimes having healthy boundaries means saying no. And that’s okay. 

We talk a lot about the sanctity of “agency” in the church. But sometimes we forget to give ourselves permission to use it. I was listening to a podcast the other day that seriously cleared up the subject of Satan’s plan for me, that I probably won’t be able to fully put in words. In Satan’s plan, we would all return home, but we wouldn’t have agency. And I always thought that Christ’s plan was a contrary to that. But in reality his plan includes Satan’s plan, but with more benefits. Christ’s plan ensures that we will all be resurrected. That was Satan’s plan. However, Satan’s plan didn’t include an atonement. No personal sacrifice on his part that would allow for us to make mistakes AND still come home. The only risk involved in Christ’s plan is how our choices in this life will affect how much freedom for growth we will have in the next life. Satan’s plan didn’t allow for growth. We wouldn’t have had the ability to choose and therefore no ability to learn in our faith and qualify to become like God. 

Choices give us room to grow. Agency allows us to choose for ourselves which way we will go. Let’s not forget that there is meaning in protecting and honoring that agency in our own lives. Give yourself room to exercise that agency so that when you say yes, it actually has meaning. And saying no is not something to shame yourself over. It’s just giving yourself room to grow. So the next time you say yes, ask yourself how that “yes” is enabling you to grow. And the next time you say “no,” ask the same thing.

Sadness Needs a Home

 Many years ago, I was serving as a ward missionary (sort of—it was a sort of weird calling). But regardless, I ended up volunteering to go with the missionaries to teach a young woman they had met and who was interested in learning about the gospel. I don’t remember what lesson was taught, but I remember that she expressed concern over the expectation to forgive others. She shared that there was someone in her life who had abused her many years prior and she felt she could never forgive them. It was clear she was still very angry at them, and angry at God for allowing it to happen. I remember thinking, maybe the missionaries weren’t so crazy to invite me to meet her after all, because this was an area I had experience in. Not that I felt I had anything especially helpful or wise to say on the matter. I don’t even remember what I ended up saying to her and honestly I don’t think it made a difference. I just remember feeling sad for her that she was still carrying so much anger around. 

Forgiveness is a multi-sided thing. It can affect so many things and so many people. But it can also be a very intricate and delicate thing, and a very misunderstood thing. This woman thought forgiving her abuser meant trusting them again and allowing them back into her life in the same way again. And that is simply not what forgiveness means. Trust can certainly be re-earned in many cases after forgiveness occurs, but it is not a pre-requisite step to forgiveness. And even when or if trust is rebuilt, it doesn’t have to look the same as it did. 

Letting go of the anger is the most lifting feeling I have ever experienced when it comes to forgiveness. It is restorative and healing. No, it doesn’t remove all the effects of the original pain, but it removes so much. Forgiveness is a gift for us, not just a hard labor expected of us.

I came across a meme yesterday that some of you probably saw me share that said “Someone said anger is sadness that had nowhere to go for a long time” and that resonates with me. 

Much of the abuse I experienced happened at an age that I didn’t fully understand it. I only felt like there was an expectation not to talk about it. Looking back it makes total sense that despite not understanding it fully, it still made me sad. And each event compounded that sadness. And every year of not being able to express that sadness meant that when I finally found an outlet to talk about it, yeah, I was angry for a while. But finally letting go of that anger has made me into the parts of myself that I like about myself.

When I first went to the temple, there were things I didn’t understand. Still don’t understand. There were things that made me sad. Things that still make me sad. And again, I felt an expectation not to talk about it. And over the years that compounded into anger. And I still feel that way sometimes.

These days one of my favorite conversations to have with people is how they feel about the temple. What do they love about it, but also, what do they struggle with. Because I find that so many feel alone in their struggles, and knowing just that they are not alone brings peace. And having an outlet to allow that sadness to be expressed provides peace. And I need that. And I want to provide that for others. Of course doing that without spreading my anger can sometimes be difficult.

One of the things talked about in General Conference this weekend was forgiveness. And honestly, one of the thoughts that came to my mind was that I have been like that woman. I have been carrying around anger. Anger and sadness directed at God and others—sadness I don’t know what to do with, and so it turns into anger when I can’t put it somewhere. And I know full well the peace that will come when I let go of that anger, so obviously forgiveness should be the goal.. for my own peace and wellbeing if not for so many other reasons.. but the thought also occurs to me, that I have also been tying forgiveness and trust together here, just like that woman. Does forgiving God mean trusting God? Or can I forgive God but let the trust come later, and work on that separately? There’s something about that that seems extra interconnected and difficult to separate when it comes to God. Forgiving God is interconnected with believing in God which is interconnected in trusting in God. Right? Or is it? Can that trust be built back, but look different than it did before, and that be okay and still be good?

I don’t have all the answers here. All I can really say is that I know forgiveness heals. And I know that baby steps are okay and good. And I know that doubt is okay. Asking questions is okay. Talking about it is okay. Acknowledging pain is okay. Sitting with that pain for a while is okay. Sadness needs to find a home sometimes. But as for a constant companion, forgiveness makes a far better friend, than anger.

Final disclaimer, I’m not looking for sage advice here. At least not in this forum. I’m happy to have real face to face, one-on-one conversations on this topic, but not drop-down bombs of one-sided wisdom that don’t allow for real discourse on the subject. Sometimes, giving sadness a home, means allowing things to be said without trying to fix them just yet. 

Perfect Faith Not Required

 So I was recently released from my church calling as primary teacher (teaching the kids), and instead sustained as a counselor in the Relief Society Presidency (the women’s organization). People keep asking me how I feel about this and I don’t really even know how to answer.

I often find that I find comfort in Primary callings because it’s all about gospel basics. It’s like a gentle reminder that no matter where I am in my faith, no matter how much doubt I find myself having, I still believe the small and simple things. I have often felt like I have been put in Primary callings when I needed to go back to basics, when my faith in the bigger things was wavering. So in that sense, I’m not 100% sure I’m ready to leave primary. Part of me feels like the bigger question is how will others feel about me serving in the capacity of Relief Society counselor, when my faith is less than perfect. How do I lead others in the covenant path when I lack confidence in those truths? 

However, I saw a quote today from the prophet, President Russell M. Nelson:

“The Lord does not require perfect faith for us to have access to his perfect power. But he does ask us to believe.”

I find myself often whispering in silent prayer these days… “Lord I believe. Help thou my unbelief” 

Last week someone stood up in church and spoke about how our definition of “poor” in the commandment to look after the poor and needy is far too limited. And they broadened the concept to include “poor in friends, poor in spirit, poor in time” etc. And I felt that. Because I have felt buoyed by fellow church members when I have been poor in spirit. And relieved by my husband when I was poor in joy or motivation or focus. And supported by friends and family when I have felt poor in self-esteem. And far more of us have it in us to show up and help “the poor” if we broaden that term beyond just the monetary. I feel ill-equipped to lead with faith. But I feel well equipped to love with faith. Which is perhaps, more the point than we sometimes realize. So I'll take comfort in that.

And so I step forward, with faith that there’s a reason, and with hope that I can live up to it. And remember to do what I can with what I have before worrying about what I lack.

Our Mental Radio

Here's a funny thought. To maintain my mental health, I talk to myself. When I was seeing a therapist a few years back, she recommended a book to me called "The Happiness Trap." I admit I was not eager to read this book at first and initially ignored the recommendation. And the only reason I eventually did was because she shared a few things from the book over the course of a few sessions that struck home. The first being an analogy about a radio. I'll quote part of it for you:

     "Our thinking self is a bit like a radio, constantly playing in the background. Most of the time it's the Radio Doom and Gloom show, broadcasting negative stories twenty-four hours a day. It reminds us of bad things from the past, it warns us of bad things to come in the future, and it gives us regular updates on everything that's wrong with us. Once in a while it broadcasts something useful or cheerful, but not too often. So if we're constantly tuned in to this radio, listening to it intently and, worse, believing everything we hear, then we have a surefire recipe for stress and misery. Unfortunately, there's no way to switch off this radio.... In fact, generally speaking, the more we try to make this radio stop, the louder it plays."

So, this is the idea. Trying to ignore our thoughts, often makes them louder, more obtrusive, and even distracting. It also addresses the approach that people often talk about to "just think happy thoughts" 

"....approaches such as positive thinking, which are like airing a second radio show, Radio Happy and Cheerful, along side Radio Doom and Gloom, in the hope of drowning it out. It's pretty hard to stay focused on what you're doing when you have two radios playing different tunes in the background."

 So, what's the solution? 

"Have you ever had a radio playing in the background, but you were so intent on what you were doing that you didn't really listen to it? You could hear the radio playing, but you weren't paying attention to it. In practicing diffusion skills, we are ultimately aiming to do precisely that with our thoughts. Once we know that thoughts are just bits of language, we can treat them like background noise--we can let them come and go without focusing on them and without being bothered by them."

• "If the thinking self is broadcasting something unhelpful, the observing self need not pay much attention. The observing self can simply acknowledge the thought, then turn its attention to what you are doing here and now. 

•  If the thinking self is broadcasting something useful or helpful, then the observing self can tune in and pay attention."

     The book talks about a phenomenon that we experience called "fusion." The idea being, that when we are in a state of fusion, we treat all thoughts we are having as reality, truth, important, orders we must obey, wise, or even threats. So it proceeds to address several different methods of training ourselves "diffusion." I won't go through them all but I'll share a few examples. 

My brain: They don't actually like me, they probably think I'm annoying

My response: "Hey brain, I'm having the thought that they don't like me, and think I'm annoying" or "I see that you're telling me the 'I'm unlovable' story. I've heard that one before." 

I acknowledge what my brain is telling me. But that doesn't mean I have to focus on it. And more importantly, by acknowledging that it is just a thought, I separate it from reality. Hear it, and then move on. Let it come, let it go. I don't try to tell myself that they really do like me, and really do want to be my friend. I don't know that that is the reality either. But I can acknowledge the thoughts I'm having, acknowledge them as just thoughts and separate them from my identity and from reality. This works for lots of things.

My brain: I'm a terrible mother

My response: "I'm having the thought that I'm a terrible mother. Okay brain, thanks for sharing."

My brain: I'm a failure

My response: "Hey brain, I see you're starting up the 'I'm a failure' story. I've heard that one before"

My brain: That girl is really beautiful, I like her, and I'd really enjoy kissing her

My response: "I'm having the thought that she is attractive. Thank you brain, for letting me know."

It's important to note, that for this to work, I am not trying to be sarcastic in these scenarios with myself. Just acknowledging the thoughts. But also acknowledging that I don't have to hold onto them. 

When people ask me questions about my experience attending the Addiction Recovery Program, one of the questions that tends to come up, sometimes said and sometimes unsaid, is “why did your therapist recommend ARP?” This is a valid question but one that is difficult and generally vulnerable for me to answer. So I generally do a bad job of answering. And of course I can only guess because I don’t truly know what thoughts my therapist was having on the subject aside from what she verbalized aloud. And some of the details are better expressed in face to face, in a context where I feel safe being vulnerable. But I think it relates well to this analogy of the radio. Instead of listening to the radio, but not really focusing on it, I was hearing it, and actively trying to ignore it, which was making it louder and more distracting.

At the time, I had a lot of shame surrounding the topic of same sex attraction. I won’t say I have zero shame now, but I actively fight any that remains by regularly acknowledging its existence instead of trying to ignore it. I was having a hard time battling questions of “what if,” stuck in ruts of wondering how green the other side would be. But asking the question would be followed by intense feelings of guilt and shame, followed by my best efforts to ignore the question, followed by repeat bouts of dwelling on the subject. Rinse, repeat. Perhaps you can see the similarity between this and addictive behavior. I couldn’t stop focusing on it, almost all the time, despite my desire not to. It was an intrusive, almost obsessive thought that came up at inopportune times, that wouldn’t leave my brain despite how badly I wanted to turn it off. It just got louder.

When I allowed my thoughts to linger on things that weren’t "appropriate"… I immediately felt a deep sense of guilt and shame. I thought the only way I could be happy was if I wasn't having the thoughts. I had a very powerful experience of feeling suicidal. It was the first and only time that I had thoughts of suicide that were accompanied by the very real sense that there was a very real danger of me following through with it. I immediately messaged a friend because I was afraid I would act on it if I didn’t. I think about that moment in terms of the radio. Telling my friend enabled me to diffuse the thought. It wasn't something I had to obey. It was just a thought I was having.

I think going to ARP was part of that too. Going to ARP helped me to acknowledge my same-sex attraction. Not as an addiction, but rather that I had entered a state of "fusion" and I could instead diffuse the thoughts. Having the thoughts didn't mean I had to obey the thoughts or act on them. Having the thoughts didn't mean they needed to be scary or that I needed to get rid of them. Having the thoughts didn't mean that I had to define myself by them. I had to listen to them. I needed to acknowledge and accept them. But I could also move on too.

So, my soap box for the day is that we are not defined by our thoughts. Our thoughts are not always important. They are not always wise, they are not orders we must obey, they are not always the truth, and we don't have to treat them like threats. We can acknowledge their existence. We can accept them for what they are. We should listen to them. But we get to choose when and whether or not we focus on them. But focusing on them to them to the point of losing focus on the reality of our here-and-now, just feeds into anxiety, depression, addiction, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-loathing, insecurity, or even on the flip-side, possibly arrogance, pride and narcissism etc. Moderation in all things.

And it's okay to talk to yourself. Listen, and respond, and move on.

Priesthood Power without "Ordination"

This is a blog that I must preface with a disclaimer. I have spent a long time dwelling on this subject, and I feel peace about the conclusions I have drawn. And I will link to sources that help support those conclusions. However, once again, I speak only for myself and my beliefs, and not necessarily for the Church, or anyone else. This topic requires quite a lot of foundation work, so forgive me if it seems like it takes a while for me to build up to my primary points.

So, to begin. I would like to cover a simple definition of "the priesthood."

• The priesthood is God’s eternal power and authority.
• Priesthood is the power by which our Heavenly Father works through men
• God accomplishes His work by the priesthood.
• Priesthood power is the power by which God blesses His children

So, we see that the big picture of the priesthood is God's power and authority. It is the means by which God accomplishes all things. However, in the context of our life here on earth, we often speak of the priesthood in regards to the power that God delegates to mankind to accomplish his work. What is the work of God? 

John 6:29 Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent.

John 6:40 And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. 

 The work of God is to bring people to Christ so that they may believe on him, and enjoy the eternal blessings that stem from that belief. This of course, can be a rather wide spread thing. Many would argue that Benjamin Franklin was aiding in the work of God by discovering electricity which now enables widespread gospel learning via means of electronics and the internet. Or that the "founding fathers" of America were aiding the work of God by fighting for religious freedom. Were Benjamin Franklin, or the founding fathers then offered priesthood power, to bring to pass the work of God? But, one might counter, they were not priests...

I would ask that we ponder the difference between the Holy Ghost, and the Gift of the Holy Ghost. And whether we can make a similar association with priesthood power. Power meted out by God per his wishes and grand design, versus the gift of the priesthood being the privilege given to God's people when they have made covenants with him and are upholding their end with righteousness?

"The gift of the Holy Ghost is the privilege—given to people who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ, been baptized, and been confirmed as members of the Church—to receive continual guidance and inspiration from the Holy Ghost." Gospel Principles Chapter 21

We also know that men may feel the Holy Ghost without having been baptized or having received the "Gift of the Holy Ghost" Moroni's promise that by the Holy Ghost we may know the truth of the Book of Mormon, certainly did not apply to baptized and confirmed members only. We also know that God can lend out priesthood power without ordination. Think about the fact that Joseph Smith translated the gold plates, well before he received the priesthood. How did he translate them? "By the gift and power of God" (Doctrine & Covenants 135:3) What is the power of God? Priesthood power.

Now, before I continue, I would like to refer back to that last bullet point regarding "priesthood power" regarding the power by which God blesses his children. How does God bless his children? He blesses us through gifts. What are some of the gifts of God? Obviously this list will absolutely not be exhaustive, but, to name a few...

• Gift of the Holy Ghost
• Ability to teach words of wisdom
• Ability to teach the word of knowledge
• Exceedingly great faith
• Gifts of healing
• Ability to work mighty miracles
• Ability to prophesy concerning all things
• Beholding of angels and ministering spirits
• Gift of tongues
• Ability to interpret languages

So, can I now make the leap, that each of these gifts, are manifestations of priesthood power, which is God's power? The power by which he blesses us, that we may bless his children?

How do we receive these gifts? 

Moroni 10:8 And again, I exhort you, my brethren, that ye deny not the gifts of God, for they are many; and they come from the same God. And there are different ways that these gifts are administered; but it is the same God who worketh all in all; and they are given by the manifestations of the Spirit of God unto men, to profit them.

There is more than one way that these gifts are administered. But all are given through the Holy Ghost, aka the Spirit of God. Whether the "gift" of the holy ghost has been "received" or not. And even having received the gift of the holy ghost, we do not all receive all the same gifts. And, some people receive more gifts than others. Might I use the example that men in the church have the priesthood "conferred" upon them, whereas women do not? I'll talk about that in a minute. But first, let me reference one more scripture regarding gifts of the spirit:

Doctrine & Covenants 46:29 That unto some it may be given to have all those gifts, that there may be a head, in order that every member may be profited thereby.

Some gifts are given specifically to create order within the church.  

Doctrine & Covenants 132:8 Behold, mine house is a house of order, saith the Lord God, and not a house of confusion.

Now, separate from the "power" of God, I would like to talk for a minute about the "authority" of God. Which is another branch, if you will, of the "priesthood." When young men have the priesthood "conferred" upon them. Can I argue that they are not given any additional "power" ? What they are given is "authority." Authority to act in God's name, authority to officiate in the ordinances. Some of you may be chafing at this notion. So let me explain further. Let's first reference a definition of the word "confer."

Confer: to give an official title, honour, or advantage to someone (Cambridge Dictionary)

What do we think of, when someone has been given a title? Well, I think of authority. And yes, power. But not supernatural abilities. Rather, power to act in certain contexts. When reading in Doctrine & Covenants 20 about the various priesthood offices, you do not see a list of gifts offered to each office. It's not a list that reads like "deacons will have the gift of tongues, and teachers will have the gift of prophesy, and priests will have the gift of healing." That is not what is stated. What is spelled out are their duties, or the areas in which they have the authority to officiate. They are promised the right to gifts that will aid them as they carry out those responsibilities. But they are not granted power by virtue of ordination.

So how then, do those that hold priesthood offices, receive "priesthood power" if not by virtue of having had the priesthood "conferred" upon them? Well, the same way the rest of us do.

"God’s priesthood power flows to all members of the Church—female and male—as they keep the covenants they have made with Him." General Handbook

"The source of the power of the priesthood is God, who works through the Holy Ghost. To have the Holy Ghost direct us in using the priesthood, we must keep the commandments and live worthily. Power in the priesthood comes to us only from our Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost." General Handbook

Let's think about that a little longer please. 

Priesthood power comes by virtue of having made covenants with God. What is the first covenant that we make as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? Baptism. (Which, let's remember, both men and women are baptized, even children). When we are baptized and confirmed members of the Church, and receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost, we covenant to:

• Be willing to take upon the name of the Son (Doctrine & Covenants 20:77)
• Always remember Him and keep His commandments (Doctrine & Covenants 20:77)
• Stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places (Mosiah 18:9)
• Bear one another's burdens that they may be light (Mosiah 18:8)
• Mourn with those that mourn (Mosiah 18:9)
• Comfort those that stand in need of comfort (Mosiah 18:9)

As we are faithful to those promises, he in return promises:

• Pouring his Spirit upon us (Mosiah 18:10)
• Redeeming us from our sins as we repent (Mosiah 18:9; D&C 20:37)
• Bringing us forth in the First Resurrection & Eternal Life (Mosiah 18:9)
• The Gift of the Holy Ghost (2 Nephi 31:12; Moroni 6:4)
• He admits us as members of His Church (Moroni 6:4; D&C 20:37)

Baptism is one of the first ordinances we participate in.

Doctrine & Covenant 84:20 Therefore, in the ordinances thereof, the power of godliness is manifest.

What is the power of godliness if not priesthood power? I want to dwell for a minute on what it means to be "members" of His Church. I think it is critical to note that "member" is one of the titles listed in Doctrine & Covenants 20. The duties of elders, priests, teachers, deacons and members. Could we consider for a moment that baptism, and confirmation into the church, when hands are laid on our heads by those with proper priesthood authority is the moment that all members of the Church are welcomed into the Order of the Priesthood, and that the most foundational ordination is that of "member" ?

1 Peter 2:9-10 is part of a letter by Peter to the Saints of the Church. Pay attention to how he refers to these members:

9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:

10 Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.

By virtue of having been baptized and confirmed members of the Church, we enter a "royal priesthood."  

Romans 8:14,16-17 states that those that are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. And if we are the Children of God, then we are heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ. What does it mean to be an heir? To inherit all that the Father hath, including his power and priesthood. That is our right and privilege.

I loved reading the book of Moses this year, and reading the story of Adam's baptism. This is what is said immediately after Adam was baptized in Moses 6:

67 And thou art after the order of him who was without beginning of days or end of years, from all eternity to all eternity.

68 Behold, thou art one in me, a son of God; and thus may all become my sons. Amen.

The footnote on the word "order" is a reference to "priesthood." Any time we see the phrase "order" we should be reminded of the priesthood when reading the scriptures. So, by being baptized, we enter the Order of the Priesthood, a right and privilege of being heirs of Deity, children of God. 

Can you think for a moment, the power and effect that this may have on the lives of our children? To teach them that as they are baptized and found righteous, the Holy Ghost, their constant companion, can be the bridge that allows them access to priesthood power?  Can you think for a moment, the effect that it has when you change the covenants that we make at baptism to "responsibilities of our priesthood" instead of just the things "good mormons do" ? Can you think for a moment the peace that can come when we share with our daughters, that they have just as much a right to priesthood power as our sons? The responsibility and authority to officiate in the public ordinances of the priesthood has been given to men. But responsibility and authority to stand as witnesses of God, and use priesthood power to further the work of God, has been given to all members. That priesthood power is not determined by ordination, but by righteousness and faithfulness. When we are not ordained, we utilize that priesthood not by virtue of "priesthood authority" but by virtue of our authority as children of God, followers of Christ. But let us not forget where God's power comes from. The power is the same. Priesthood power.

Going through the temple to receive our endowments allows us to make further covenants which (by our faithfulness) enables us to access more of God's power, priesthood power, which is the promised result of making covenants. What is priesthood power for? Furthering the work of God, to bring people to Christ (to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of mankind, Moses 1:39). How may our understanding of the blessings promised in the initiatory and endowment be changed, if we ask ourselves, "How can I use this blessing, to further the work of God?"  

We normally talk of the Holy Ghost as being there to guide us by testifying of truth. But, I'd like to call the story of Adam and Eve to your mind, when Satan is talking to Eve about the tree of knowledge of Good and Evil. He says "ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Genesis 3:5) I would use this as evidence that the ability to discern truth, knowing good from evil, is a godly power. The light of Christ is given to all mankind by virtue of having been made in His image. The gift of the Holy Ghost works through that light of Christ in us to testify of, clarify, and magnify that knowledge of good and evil and is a branch of priesthood power. Just as the gift of eternal life (the other named tree in the Garden of Eden) is yet another branch of priesthood power. 

Ours is a church full of "priests", in the sense that we have access to priesthood power. And so, I want to end with this reference, one more time:

"God’s priesthood power flows to all members of the Church—female and male—as they keep the covenants they have made with Him." General Handbook

Let us remember where priesthood power comes from (God) and that we have been commanded to become like Him. And let us dwell on the ways we aspire to be like Him. How are the ways that we aspire to be like Him, ways that we can utilize that power? I believe that examples of priesthood power may be found in all things that we know about Christ, and we are commanded to follow His example. That includes utilizing His power. As members, we take upon ourselves the name of Christ. We follow in His footsteps, and join Him in His work. How does he accomplish His work? Through priesthood power.

For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps (1 Peter 2:21)

Be willing to pray to pray for priesthood power and the Lord will teach you. And as you become willing to pray, fast, study, seek, worship, and serve, you will be afforded more than you may now realize.

Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of me so it shall be unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation. Doctrine & Covenants 6:8

 

 

We Are Breaking Our Covenants

Somehow we are missing the mark. Those that have been baptized in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have made the agreement to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those in need of comfort, and bear one another’s burdens. I think when we hear those words we tend to imagine those that have lost a loved one and need a shoulder to cry on, or a comfort casserole… large, tangible moments in people’s lives that fit with the narrative in our mind when we hear words like “mourn” and “comfort” and “burdens.” Moments that allow for tangible moments of service (even if that’s not what they need or want).

But there are subtler moments, some small and some big that I feel like are far too often being missed. 

I have watched as friends have opened themselves up to being vulnerable, presenting to a group of people at church, questions or doubts that they have regarding the doctrines of the church. And I have watched as people shied away from answering those questions. Or ignored the question altogether. Far too often it seems like the easiest answer comes across as merely a dismissal of their feelings. It often sounds something like:

“Well I don’t worry about that” (therefore you shouldn’t need to)

“That’s never bothered me” (so you shouldn’t let it bother you)

“It will all get sorted out in Heaven” (so don’t question it)

“We don’t get to know all the answers” (so stop asking)

“Just have faith” (aka apparently you lack faith, and I have more faith than you)

“If you just pray about it you’ll get an answer” (can feel like ‘don’t ask me, go somewhere else’)

And even

“I don’t feel comfortable talking about that” (wow, you’re being really inappropriate for bringing that up)

And I have watched people get to the point where they feel so isolated and shamed for having questions or doubts, that they stop letting themselves be vulnerable enough to ask those questions or admit their doubts. Or they turn to the internet and find other people with the same doubt and anger and pain, and tend to side with the only people willing to validate those feelings. And after that, they tend to leave the church because they have no where to go but drown in their sense of aloneness with their doubts, or leave the church and feel the embrace of others who had those same feelings and are ready and willing to embrace them. Because I promise, if we cannot embrace people with doubts, other people will. And there is a great power in finding people willing to love you in your moments of being vulnerable or “perceived weakness.”

By no means do I think most of these responses are meant to invoke the response that I think they often do… But we should be more aware of these moments and seek to find better ways to respond that validate their feelings. I am 100% willing to admit that I have done this myself.  I’ve even done this TO MYSELF. When we don’t have the answers ourselves and are unsure of what to say, the easiest thing is to dismiss the question. And some of those responses are 100% valid and even true. But they do NOT validate people’s feelings in that moment. 

I can tell you that I have experienced both. I have felt isolated and alone and abandoned with my fears, anger and frustrations. And I have felt the peace that came from discussion that didn’t immediately end with “you’re wrong” and “you just don’t understand,” and “if you just have faith you’ll be fine” or in some other way made me feel bad for lacking faith or obedience or willingness to sacrifice or any number of other virtues. I have active doubts and pains and frustrations and questions. And right now, I have people willing to hear me even if they can’t help me. And that helps me. 

Whether we have the answers to address their concerns or not. They would not be asking the question if it was not of importance to them for some reason. Ours is not to know the answer. Ours is not to fix things for them. Ours is not to dismiss them. Ours is to mourn their loss of faith if there has been one. Mourn WITH them. And not shame them. Ours is to comfort them when they need understanding and love. Ours is to not turn our backs on their moment of vulnerability. And depending on the relationship and the question perhaps ours is to help bear the burden of finding an answer, or being the one to accept them when maybe others are not so willing. Or pointing them in the right direction in their search. Or help bear the burden of feeling sad. We can feel sadness with them even if just for a moment. Empathize. And then help to buoy and lift them with love and understanding, instead of dismissal or avoidance. 

Mourn with those that mourn

Comfort those in need of comfort

Bear one another’s burdens

Listen to them

Love them

Learn with them

Be patient with them

And may we all listen to ourselves

Love ourselves

Learn by the direction of the Holy Ghost

And respect the time and space we all need to sort through things.

Addiction Recovery - The Atonement Recovery

This is the unabridged version of a talk I gave in Church two weeks ago. It needed to be abridged because I only had 15 minutes to talk, and this version, definitely takes longer than that.

A few years ago, I came upon a somewhat chance encounter with a girl in my Relief Society at the time. We didn’t know each other, but decided to make an attempt at being friends, mainly because we discovered that years prior, I had been friends with her brother. The first night we decided to hang out, I expected little more than semi-awkward get to know you type conversation, and instead, was pleasantly surprised by a conversation that somehow took way and delved into deeply raw, personal subjects for us both. Ironically, I think both of us walked away from the conversation thinking we were fine, and the other person needed more therapy. However, the conversation was one of those that kept replaying in my head day after day. I eventually called her a few days later, and while still insisting that I was fine, admitted that the only thing wrong in my life at that point, was that I felt I had come to such a deep sense of apathy, that I was no longer capable of feeling the influence of the Holy Ghost. It’s cute now, looking back, that I phrased this as “the only thing wrong” as though this were such a small and inconsequential thing. In dealing with past trauma, I think I had eventually come to the unspoken conclusion that the best way to deal with it was to disconnect myself from my emotions. In doing so, I believe I eventually numbed myself to all feeling. And that included sadness, but also joy, and in turn, the influence of the Holy Ghost. Had I truly been honest with myself at the time, I might have acknowledged that that wasn’t the only thing wrong in my life at the time, but I got there eventually.

Her response is what got me. She told me that that lack of spirituality absolutely, 100% could be a side effect of my past trauma, and that seeing a therapist may help me to regain that part of myself again. Convincing me to see a therapist is not an easy feat, despite having majored in Social Work myself, I’m a stubborn sort. But after a few weeks of continuing to dwell on the things we had talked about, I eventually approached Michael with the idea that perhaps seeing a therapist could be worth it, if it could help me feel less numb—feel the spirit again. Despite the glib nature by which I had described this as “the only thing wrong in my life” I was feeling fairly hopeless at the time.

I found a therapist with LDS Family Services because I felt it especially important to visit with someone who would understand my focus of regaining my sensitivity to the spirit. I saw her for several months, and the process was definitely helpful, but I think the most inspired thing she told me was that she felt impressed that I should start attending the Addiction Recovery Program. Initially the advice came across as a mismatch, because I did not identify as having an addiction. However, what I understood about the program was that it had a focus on applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ to our lives. And I had already felt personally impressed that I needed to study the Atonement. So, I decided to take her advice as inspired, and agreed to go. It took several months before I understood the true reason why the meetings were a good fit for what I was dealing with, but when I finally did, and was able to admit those struggles with the group during the sharing portion of the meeting, everything about those meetings changed.

Today, I would like to walk you through the 12 steps outlined in the Addiction Recovery Program. However, instead of thinking of them in the context of addiction, let’s try to think about this in the context of how each of us can work on applying and utilizing the Atonement of Jesus Christ in each of our lives.

Step 1: Honesty. KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions, and that your life has become unmanageable. “Look at your family and social relationships, your relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability to help and bless others, your health. Then look for contradictions between what you believe in and hope for, and your behavior. Consider how your actions undermine what you value. You can pray that the Lord will help you see yourself and your life as He sees it—with all your divine potential—and what you risk by continuing in your [current behavior].”

How many of us value loving and respecting the people around us, and yet still struggle with yelling at our children? How many of us value the principles of repentance, and the power of being forgiven, and yet hold grudges against those who have harmed us? How many of us have blamed our circumstances for our choices? How many of us need to evaluate ourselves, and be honest with ourselves about the many ways in which we could try to be more like Jesus?

I can be prideful. People who know me know that I don’t often like to ask for help. I know this about myself. I’m the type of person that walks into a store and avoids all the workers, and passive aggressively tell them I’m fine when they try to help me. Go away, I don’t need help. I’m like that. Although some of that is more social anxiety than pride. It depends on the day. This step for me was about accepting that I needed help, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were a source of help that I could reach out to, among others. In the margins I have written “Real connections to others are essential to recovery.”

Action Steps:

1. Become willing to abstain

2. Let go of pride and seek humility

3. Admit the problem, seek help

Step 2: Hope. KEY PRINCIPLE: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health. In step 2, “[you become] willing to replace trust in [yourself] and [your temptations] with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ.”

Step 2 for me, came from the sense of community at the ARP meetings. That is what I really miss. When COVID hit, I felt I was on the verge of dropping to a low point, and I was afraid of what relapses were possible without the support of that community. Not even COVID related, it was just bad timing. My brain felt like a chaotic minefield and I felt like I was absolutely losing it. You can bet, I would go back to the meetings, if the in-person meetings were re-instated. Because watching your fellow group members rejoice in their successes, the hope light up in their eyes, watching them fall only to keep trying, was the most hope inspiring thing. I needed that more than I knew.

In attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I quickly came to an awareness, that while I felt I had tried to make changes or improvements I had not placed my trust in faith, or Jesus Christ, and had to accept that perhaps this was why I had failed to make any meaningful changes in my life. We often have a do-it-yourself attitude, and forget that we can pray for help from Heavenly Father to restore us to the celestial beings we have the potential to be. So, how do we seek His power and influence in our life?

Action Steps:

1. Pray; read and ponder the scriptures

2. Believe in God the Eternal Father and in His son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost

Step 3. Trust in God. KEY PRINCIPLE: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Step 3 is “a decision to allow God to recover and redeem us. It [is] a decision to allow Him to direct our lives, remembering, of course, that He always respects our agency. Thus, we [decide] to put our lives in His hands”

In the margins of my ARP manual, I have written that “When we loan our will to God, (which is a continuous, often repeated choice), we get it back plus interest.” I think an important thing to remember, at least for me, is that what we are being asked here, is to DECIDE to turn our will and life over. It does not mean we have failed if we have not already done so. It does not even mean that we are READY to turn our will and life over. It merely means, that we are ready to make that our goal and begin today to make what changes we can to allow that process to begin. I had this realization a lot in ARP. I had not failed just because I had not “conquered” this step or that step. Honestly, I also felt like my healing in ARP was not linear. In part because the group is reading through the steps each week, whether that is the step that you are currently on or not. Which I loved. So often, I found inspiration in something from Step 12 that I was able to apply to step 3 or whatever. And also, healing in and of itself is not linear. I did not progress through step 1, step 2, step 3… I often felt like I was achieving step 1, and then step 5, and then step 2, and then step 3. And, of course, sometimes I repeated steps. In a lot of ways, I found step 3 to be the most terrifying. Trusting in God felt like an extremely vulnerable thing to do. I have only ever trusted in myself because it seemed like I was less likely to be hurt that way. But I also have written in the margins of my ARP book, that trusting in God, is in effect, a cure for anxiety. Albeit a challenging "cure."

Action Steps:

1. Attend sacrament meeting: review and renew baptismal covenants

2. Decide to trust and obey God; change what you can change; accept what you cannot change

Step 4. Truth. KEY PRINCIPLE: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself. In step 4, “it means you commit to rigorous honesty as you focus on events in your life, including your own weaknesses, and not on anyone else’s weaknesses.” “Through this inventory, we [identify] negative thoughts, emotions, and actions that [rule] our lives. By discovering those destructive elements in our lives, we [take] the first step in correcting them.” “One way to do an inventory is to list memories of people; institutions or organizations; principles, ideas, or beliefs; and events, situations, or circumstances that trigger positive and negative feelings (including sadness, regret, anger, resentment, fear, bitterness).” “As you do your inventory, look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior. Your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are actually the roots of your [behaviors]. Unless you examine all your tendencies toward fear, pride, resentment, anger, self-will, and self-pity, your abstinence will be shaky at best.”

What stands out to me here, is that all of us have weaknesses. All of us struggle to not be ruled by our emotions and negative thoughts. Each of us have bad habits that we can acknowledge, not just sins of great magnitude. And each of would benefit from analyzing those flaws to the point of understanding our triggers, and why we do the things we do. This is a means of taking accountability for our actions, instead of saying “well I did that because they made me angry.” Our actions are our responsibility, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. This was admittedly a hard step for me. I struggled with the shame that enveloped each mistake, each maladaptive coping mechanism I had developed. But being honest with myself helped me feel more ready to put my trust in God, and acknowledge my need for his help. Acknowledging them also helped me to let them go.

Step 4 to me, was less about writing down everything I had done wrong although I tried to do that… in some ways I think I’ve done that my whole life. Kept a list of everything I’ve done wrong to use as a weapon to beat myself with. I have a long memory of things I’ve done wrong. That last action step “Remember your sins no more” has been the most difficult. However, I will say that my husband has always been the greatest example of this. Any time I have ever had anything to share with him regarding a mistake I had made, I have never been met with anger. His response has always been one that reflected immediate forgiveness. His attitude comes across as “If you have repented, and God has forgiven you, then I have nothing to forgive you for.” Yeah. Mind blowing. What was more important, and far more difficult for me was identifying the triggers, the “why’s,” the root that needed to be uprooted in order for permanent change to happen. I’m probably still working on that.

Action Steps:

1. Write in a personal journal, seek guidance from the Holy Ghost

2. Make an accounting of your life, past and present

3. Remember your sins no more

Step 5. Confession. KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. In step 5, we [begin] to recognize patterns of weaknesses that [have] influenced our choices. We [start] to understand our tendencies toward negative thoughts and emotions (self-will, fear, pride, self-pity, jealousy, self-righteousness, anger, resentment, unbridled passions and desires and so on). Step 4 is a private experience, but step 5 allows you to “throw off the shackles of [your] isolating secrets and gain some perspective on [yourself] and the past.”

I think this boils down to communication, and community. The most healing part of my experience with the Addiction Recover Program, was finding the courage and the commitment to discuss with my spouse, the failings and mistakes I had made. And the continuous efforts toward communicating our needs, desires and failings and goals, are what make our marriage what it is today, instead of what it was 7 or 8 years ago. Without that regular communication, I feel alone, and without peace, unsafe even. And as necessary, taking things to proper priesthood authority, have helped us feel like we are doing our best to live our lives aligned with God’s will.

Beginning ARP, I didn’t think I had anything I needed to confess. Or at the very least, I was determined that I never would confess them. And in all honesty, I never have read my inventory aloud for anyone as this step suggests. It never felt cohesive and organized enough to do that. I shared parts with people as I sorted through my thoughts. But it is always on my mind, that one of the things that is important for me, is to prevent myself from feeling isolated. When I feel alone with my thoughts, I get lost in them. I am learning every day to be just a little bit better at relying on my spouse for a sense of connectedness, and being willing to be vulnerable with him.

Action Steps:

1. Begin to seek forgiveness; counsel with the bishop as needed; be honest with God, yourself, and others.

2. Let peace come into your life

Step 6. Change of Heart. KEY PRINCIPLE: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses. “Step 6 means surrendering to God all remnants of pride and self-will.” “As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, that recognizing and confessing your character weaknesses in steps 4 and 5 did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up.” “As you come unto Jesus Christ, seeking help with this step, you will not be disappointed. If you trust Him and have patience with the process, you will see your pride gradually replaced by humility. He will wait patiently for you to weary of your own unaided effort to change, and as soon as you turn to Him you will witness once again His love and power in your behalf”

This hit me in the feels, going through the program. Sure, I had acknowledged my weaknesses. Sure I had been able to confess some of them. But that did not mean I was ready to change. Willing, and wanting, yes. But I did not know how. And because part of why I felt I was attending ARP was to figure out how to deal with my feelings of same-sex attraction… I didn’t know how to apply that to this step. I did not think that having a change of heart was going to mean becoming straight. And that wasn’t my goal in attending the meetings. I think the most accurate thing I can say is that the change of heart I had was learning to accept it in such a way so to allow it to become an open part of me, instead of always feeling like there was this big secret waiting to escape. I actually have some really good comments in the margins for this section. Here are two:

“Feelings buried alive never die”

“You can tell God anything/everything because he won’t judge you. It’s not yet his time to judge.”

Action Steps:

1. Be willing to allow the Savior to convert your heart; participate in the fellowship of Christ by attending Sunday School and Relief Society or priesthood meeting

2. Be willing to be changed so imperfections may be removed through the power of God

Step 7. Humility. KEY PRINCIPLE: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings. In step 6, “Finally, voluntarily, with all our hearts, we [offer] our whole souls to God and [ask] Him to forgive us and make us in His image. [We finally] come to realize that no other name, no other way nor means, can give us a complete remission of our sins. Holding nothing back, we [plead] with the Father that He, in His infinite mercy, [will] forgive us for all our pride, transgressions, and shortcomings.”

This feels like a work in progress. And realistically, something that I will keep coming back to. But taken from the margins of my work book, one goal here “Accept my limitations—and be happy”

I recently came across a video of a face-to-face event with Elder Eyring and Elder Holland, where they address the subject of the atonement that I really liked. In that video, Elder Holland quotes a scripture, Moroni 8: 26

26 And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God.

This is something I gained a powerful witness of in attending the addiction recovery meetings. The people in that room, especially those that had been attending for years, were so beautifully meek. And you could just feel that they had been filled with the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost, and that it was working miracles in their lives. What does it mean to utilize the atonement in our lives? Elder Eyring said it beautifully in that video. I won’t try to quote him, but to me it means working through the steps, be it these 12 steps, or your own, to create a relationship with Jesus Christ, and having faith in him, so that his love can have an unexpected influence in shaping you and your life, and bring you closer to Heavenly Father.

Action Steps:

1. Seek for the power of the Savior’s Atonement to become effective in your personal life by meditating on the sacrament prayers

2. Pray humbly for God to do for you what you cannot do for yourself

Step 8. Seeking Forgiveness. KEY PRINCIPLE: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them. “Admit the harm you [do] to loved ones and friends by being irresponsible, irritable, critical, impatient, and dishonorable. Look for anything large or small that [adds] to another person’s burdens or that [saddens] or [challenges] someone. Look for lies you told or promises you broke and ways you manipulated or used others.” “Step 8 is not an exercise in casting guilt or shame on anyone—either yourself or those on your lists. The Savior will lift the burdens of guilt and shame as you take one more honest look at troubles in your relationships and your part in them”

One thing I have realized about myself is that I can be a master manipulator. I can take a fault that someone has found in me, and turn it completely back on them to the point that they believe it to be their fault. I know exactly how to take the attention off me, and my dishonorable behavior and cast the guilt and shame elsewhere. This trait does not help me grow, or make improvements. All it has allowed me to do was hide from the guilt and shame, and continue in whatever applicable behavior. Developing a relationship with Jesus Christ means abandoning all dishonesty. It means taking full responsibility for my actions. It means being accountable, and it also means loving others enough to lift them, and finding ways to lift them instead of being a burden. And when I do that, I also find that I am learning to better love them with the same love Jesus Christ offers us. He loves us by doing his best to lift us. Seeking forgiveness is a way to be accountable for my actions, and then be better.

Action Steps:

1. Forgive yourself and others; make a list of people you might have offended or harmed

2. Seek the gift of charity; pray for others

Step 9. Restitution and Reconciliation. KEY PRINCIPLE: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed. “Upon completing step 9 to the best of your ability, you have finally done all you can to put yourself in harmony with the commandments of the Lord. You have begun to experience a new life of hope—not in yourself but in the love of God. You have gone down into the depths of humility and found the Lord waiting to embrace you. You have done all you can to heal relationships and become reconciled to others. You have at least partially entered into His rest; remaining there has become your greatest desire. You are learning to recognize and follow personal revelation better, which leads you to live in harmony with the teachings of ancient and modern prophets of God. Even in your most difficult moments, you feel a new kind of peace. You have learned to receive the blessing Paul described when he wrote, ‘The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus’”

To me, at this point, this step is about doing my best to be my best self every day. And it doesn’t happen every day. But I am regularly striving to make restitution, by being better.

Action Steps:

1. Love others; refrain from judging others; be willing to accept a Church calling and to pay tithes and offerings

2. Be willing to do what is necessary to make amends

Step 10. Daily Accountability. KEY PRINCIPLE: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it. You may “follow step 10 by taking inventory each day. As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others? Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. As the day unfolds, you can quickly stop negative thoughts or feelings that threaten to overwhelm you. Be especially alert for old behaviors or thinking patterns during highly stressful situations.”

This is something that I struggle with. I struggle finding balance. I struggle with prioritizing my spiritual needs. And I struggle with allowing my negative thoughts/feelings overwhelm me. But I do think that I am doing better at being on the look-out for old habits, and seeking balance with my emotional and physical needs. These are a daily thing. I know I will be working on this my whole life. We cannot merely walk through steps, and then be perfect, and Christ-like and wonderful. One of my favorite quotes is one from Anne of Green Gables: “Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.” This also means that tomorrow has no promised perfection in it either. Tomorrow is what we make it, through the choices that we make that day.

Action Steps:

1. Participate in priesthood interviews as part of your commitment to self-appraisal; continue to strengthen your relationships with other Church members

2. Examine your thoughts, words, and deeds daily; immediately set right any wrongs

Step 11. Personal Revelation. KEY PRINCIPLE: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out. “As you work through step 11, you will come to realize even more that through the Holy Ghost you will receive knowledge or revelation of the Father’s will for you. Through the Atonement, you will have the power (or grace) to carry out the will of the Father.” “Like the Savior, you will be able to say sincerely “Thy will be done” (Matthew 26:42) throughout the day. The Light of Christ will guide you and prepare you to receive the companionship of the Holy Ghost. The companionship of the Holy Ghost will become more constant, and your ability to recognize and testify of truth will increase.”

I think of this as a sort of culminating milestone. I feel the most confident and sure of my standing with Heavenly Father, when I am able to receive personal revelation. When I feel the spirit testifying to me, and telling me that I have a job to do, and a place in his work. I also think this step is akin to the baptism process. All the other steps prepared us for “baptism” or rather, the desire to seek, and the steps necessary to act on the will of Heavenly Father. But this step, is the confirmation after the baptism. You’ve done what you were asked to do, and now Heavenly Father says “receive the Holy Ghost.” Maybe you haven’t received it yet, but you are being instructed to do some inner soul searching on how to best “receive.” And again, this is not some one-and-done thing. It’s a process, an ever evolving one.

Action Steps:

1. Come unto the Father in the name of Jesus Christ for direction and power through private prayer and meditation; receive and study your patriarchal blessing

2. Meditate throughout the day on the scriptures and other inspired literature; continue to pray

Step 12. Service. KEY PRINCIPLE: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do. By Step 12, “You have a message of hope for [others], for all afflicted and troubled people who are willing to consider a spiritual approach to changing their lives, and for anyone seeking truth and righteousness. The message is that God is a God of miracles, just as He has always been (see Moroni 7:29). Your life proves that. You are becoming a new person through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You will share this message best through your efforts to serve others. As you serve, your understanding and knowledge of this process is strengthened and deepened. Sharing your testimony of His mercy and His grace is one of the most important services you can offer”

Action Steps:

1. Bear public testimony; magnify callings and talents in serving others; hold family home evening and family prayer; prepare to attend the temple and worship there

2. Serve others who struggle with addiction by sharing the principles of recovery; apply these principles in all aspects of life

The true culminating step. I think this step illustrates that when we have gone through the steps to grow closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, when we have done all that we can to improve ourselves, and learn to rely on them, when we have done all that we can to accept them, and their love, and be humble… We seek to be like them. And seeking to be like them is best embodied through service. The desire to love and lift others.

I don’t always know how to talk about my experiences with the ARP program. Because a lot of why I went is to learn to deal with my same-sex attraction, although that's certainly not the only thing I addressed while attending. And I never want anyone to think that I think it is just an addiction to be kicked. I don’t want anyone to be hurt that way. It was an extremely personal thing for me, and it helped me. And I would love for it to help others. But I don’t always know how to explain why it helped. To me, it was about learning to see myself as God sees me. It was about learning that he loves me, all of me. It was about seeing that he loves us even when we make mistakes. It was about learning that he loves us even when we don’t fit the mold. It was about learning to love him, and learning to want to be like him… but wanting to be like him, by being myself. If that makes sense. And it was about acknowledging the things I had done wrong, in order to find ways I could do them right.

I hope that the connection to the Atonement of Jesus Christ is clear. I hope that as each of us progress through these steps in our lives, that we may become more prepared to help others find and utilize the gift of his atonement. In preparing this talk, and thumbing through my copy of the Addiction Recovery Program’s guide book, I found myself wishing I could share the feelings recorded in the margins, the moments where I can observe myself changing, and slowly finding the will to be influenced and aided by God—the process of personal revelation that occurred as I learned new things with each repetition of the steps while attending meetings. Much like reading the scriptures, or my patriarchal blessing, I have found that something new has stood out to me each time I have sat down to study its messages. Yet one thing remains. And that is that the principles found in the book, are ones that can help everyone, and not just those struggling in the depths of addiction. Because the principles by which solace are found, are ones of universal love and counsel to guide us away from our natural man, through life’s trials, to the arms of our Heavenly Father, by accepting Christ’s sacrifice, and applying his principles to our lives.