Managing Female Friendships

We all remember that Emily is gay. Right? 

So the other day, I recounted to a friend, the first day I had met a mutual friend of ours. It was their first day at church after moving to our town. We were having a discussion about how awareness and understanding of our divine identity affects our lives. I ended up feeling prompted to share with the whole room of women, that defining myself only as gay felt very limiting, but that focusing on my identity as a daughter of God was very freeing in that it encompassed all of me, including being gay, and made room for me to be so much more than just one thing. It was perhaps an awkward moment but also a good one. 

Anyway, when the meeting ended, as part of leadership I felt obligated to approach the new girl and try to make her feel welcomed. Got her number, (which, after a gay-confession felt really uncomfortable to ask for), and I texted her the info for our park play date group and book club. 

I texted a few random get to know you questions to this person over the coming weeks and felt increasingly awkward as time went on. The fact of the matter was that I had never tried to become friends with someone where the fact that I was gay was the absolute first thing they knew about me. It felt like the giant elephant in the room. 

Anyway, remember this was a story I was telling a friend? So, in this moment she asked me a question. She asked if I thought that knowing this about me would somehow change something for that friend. To which I responded with an emphatic yes. (But let me just say there was something comforting about this person acting under the assumption that knowing this would NOT change anything). Of course it’s difficult to tell how much of any situation is actually there, and how much of it is just in my head, but to me, any time someone finds out that I’m gay it feels like there is instantly a different level of accountability. Anything I do could be evaluated on a level of “what if this were a man doing this.” Any touch could be misinterpreted, any glance could be misinterpreted, questions or expectations can be misunderstood. I worry about it a lot.

So how do I deal with this? Well, let’s continue using this story of this mutual friend as an example. Initially I wasn’t too stressed about it because my first impression was that I was never going to be close with this person and therefore their acceptance of me didn’t matter too much because they weren’t important enough for me to care what they thought of me. But as time went on I felt myself feeling inclined to trust this person, so I decided I needed to approach the elephant in the room and find out if there was any issue or discomfort that would stem from it before I let myself care. So we talked about it. Reassurances were made that I was not sexually attracted to her, and she was 100% straight. But also, reassurances were made that my attractions in general did not make her uncomfortable. And honestly it took a few times of being reassured before I let myself really sit in that assurance. 

As we started spending more one on one time together I asked her to speak with her husband and make sure that he knew and was also comfortable with me spending time with his wife. We discussed boundaries, and I made it clear that I never wanted to cross any. I requested that she be open in communicating with me if I ever did anything to make her uncomfortable so that I could adjust accordingly. I told her that I never expected her to keep secrets from her husband. And I have regularly reinforced that her husband comes first. Honestly this helps reinforce in my brain not to expect or hope for anything different. I had a similar conversation with my husband too, but instead of “hey my friend Emily is gay, are you okay” it was a reassurance “hey my friend Suzie is straight, and there’s nothing there.” Because I don’t want him to ever have to wonder. And I encourage him that he can ask too. Not that every friendship follows that example to the letter. I was far more pointed in this situation because again, first friendship where the person knew I was gay right off the bat.. But I think it makes a point.

My husband can see my location on his phone. He knows the passcode to my phone. He may not always remember the password to my email 😅, but my email is permanently logged into my computer which he also has easy access to. We have a no-secrets rule. That doesn’t mean I tell him everything that my friends tell me, because confidentiality is not the same as a secret. And it doesn’t mean he roots around in my phone but we both know the option is there and it’s ok because there’s nothing to hide. He and I both know that our marriage will always be first priority, and anything that has the power to affect our relationship will always be shared. 

When I am spending one on one time with someone, I tend to ignore my phone because I want them to know that my focus is on them in that moment. And if my phone is blowing up, then I’ll put it on silent. But my husband’s texts always ring through. And unless the moment is super sensitive like they’re telling me something while in tears kinda moment, then I make it a priority to respond to his texts promptly so that he knows I am thinking of him and he comes first. 

People who knew me in high school might remember that I was extremely touchy feely. I didn’t have a space bubble and most of my friends didn’t either. Now days, I tend to be far more strict with how I touch people. For years I stopped initiating touch with female friends entirely - no hugs, no hands on the arm, nothing. It was something I felt like I needed to do so that there were no questions and no temptations… but eventually I decided that I needed to respect that touch is important to me and how I feel and express love, and I needed to start allowing myself to adjust that boundary. That is still a new thing for me, and I’m still very self conscious about it. If I just touched your arm in the midst of our conversation you can bet that I thought about it both before and after to evaluate if I thought there was any chance it could have communicated anything other than friendship, or if it was safe to do. There is still a vast difference between how I interact with people physically now, and how I interacted in high school, and honestly sometimes I still long for more. But for now, where I’m at feels safe and doesn’t risk being inappropriate. 

And in the rare case that I feel like there is either the possibility that a friend could be attracted to me or that I could be attracted to her, then I instantly put up additional boundaries. I don’t let myself feel as vulnerable with them because I don’t want to open a door for emotional intimacy. I don’t let myself hang out with them after 10pm. Things like that. 

Perhaps that answers the question, how Emily manages female friendships. You know what I love most about my favorite friendships? They tend to teach me things that help me have a better relationship with my husband, and my Heavenly Father. Cuz I have good friends. That reminds me of the most important part of how I manage female friendships... I have the trust, love and support of my husband. It wouldn’t work without that and I won’t risk losing that. 

Prayer

Some of you may be familiar with an old movie called "The Other Side of Heaven." It's honestly been a long time since I've seen it, but I believe it's one of those movies filled with moments that stick with you. One such moment is when this missionary and his companion are on a sailboat of sorts, and there is no wind, leaving them stuck and not heading for their intended destination. The missionary stops to pray for a "tail wind" which leads one of his companions on the boat to advise him that he needs to revise his prayers. The man asks the missionary to consider others on the same ocean who may be trying to get to a different destination than they are, and that a tail wind would hinder them. Instead, he advises, the missionary should pray for a "good wind." And that, perhaps silly as it may sound, has always stuck with me. Obviously God can work around such small syntax differences. But I believe that it is good practice for us to consider whether our desires in prayer are ones that will benefit others and not just ourselves, and whether they could pose any harm.

Michael and I had a conversation about this recently, and he recounted a story of an eager mission companion, bouncing with enthusiasm, who once asked him "How do you pray?" as though this was the most exciting question he could ask, and the answer would be just as exciting. On the surface, this might seem like a simple question, but delving into it, I believe the answers to this question can very greatly, and I do think that there is something very intimate in understanding the differences in how people pray. The way Michael talks to Heavenly Father in his personal prayers is certainly different than how I do. And that is because his relationship is different, his personality is different, the way his brain works is different, his faith is different, and the foundation for his testimony is different. But most importantly, what he does works for him. So don't consider my thoughts on this to be prescriptive, only my perspective. We're all different and that's okay.

One thing we believe, is that God can do all things, and our prayers will be answered so long as they are in line with God's will. To me, that indicates that I should strive to pray for things that are in line with God's will or that will help me be in line with God's will. Only problem with that of course is that sometimes we don't know what God's will is regarding the direction of our lives. (There's more that could be said here, but that's a deeper subject.) One way to deal with that is by just telling God "I know this is what I want, but thy will be done." There's a certain amount of humility involved in that if it is sincere. 

One thing thing I think should be pointed out though, is that it is not wrong to tell God about things that you want or feel that may not be in line with His will. I can have a conversation with a close friend about frustrations I feel, or problems in my life, and how I might wish they would be solved, but I disclose those things without any expectation for them to do anything about it. I disclose those things out of a comfort and sense of security in our relationship. I disclose things to share vulnerability, break down walls whether they be mine or theirs, and to release the tension of keeping those things bottled up. But again, not expecting that friend to fix things. Stereotypically, prayers include a list of things we are thankful for, and a list of things we want God to do for us. But I believe what is sometimes forgotten, is what can happen in between. In between those things, are when we can just tell God how we feel, what we think, and what we hope. And it's okay to share things that make us imperfect. Honestly, I think it's the most important moment. Because if God isn't someone I am willing to be vulnerable with, then who is He to me? Not much, I'll tell you that.

If I am praying earnestly, then my prayer starts with the intention of listening to the Holy Ghost, and letting Him guide my thoughts and words. Perhaps the umbrella I'm starting with is "what am I thankful for?" If I'm not listening to Him, then this section can very easily become rote. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my home. If I'm being purposeful in this moment, and waiting for the Holy Ghost to prompt me, then this section could include any number of things. Things I need to remember that I am thankful for, or should be thankful for, and not just the blatantly obvious. Not that that list can't include the blatantly obvious, because obviously those are things I am thankful for 😛 The list is just longer and more unique. After that, I hope to take the time to be vulnerable. To share my feelings, my experiences, my desires, my doubts. And again, if I am attending to the Holy Ghost, then sometimes things come to mind here that I hadn't already realized I was thinking/feeling, and I can gain a certain sense of self-awareness I lacked before I started. But this is the time for word-vomit. And I try not to judge how organized my thoughts are, because if I believe God to be who I believe Him to be, then, He understands me even through broken thoughts and unorganized sentences. It's after that, that I can once again stop, and slowly strive to listen to the Holy Ghost guide me to the questions I need to ask. How do I believe God can help me, what blessings can/should I ask for, what actions should I take? This is the part that I need to be able to say "what I am praying for is in line with God's will." and "what I am praying for will cause no harm to others." And obviously, my prayers are not necessarily that neat and tidy: Section 1, Section 2, Section 3. Sometimes I go back and forth, and they intermingle.

I will never claim to be perfect in prayer. I am not consistent, and I am sometimes resistant. A lot of that has to do with other things I need to change in my life. But what I believe about prayer, when I am spiritually prepared to do so, is that prayer should lead me to a place where I feel God's love. And not because I am doing all the things I should be doing, but because I am seeking to receive Him, to allow Him to affect all the things I am doing. That desire to make our lives be in line with His will means far more than our lives simply being in line with His will by accident.

Alone in Our Doubts

Every now and then I’m perusing on Facebook and I see posts from old friends. To be expected. But sometimes while looking at their pictures I realize something. They are no longer members of the Church I belong to, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The whole reason I knew them and was then privy to the opportunity to befriend them, gone. And yeah the initial reaction is “that’s sad” but let me tell you the reason why it makes me sad. Because leaving the church does not make me think of them as any “less” as a person. The reason I think it makes me sad is because it makes me wonder if there was something in the back of their mind when I knew them, that they didn’t feel like they could say. Was there something they felt trapped by? Was there some feeling or doubt or frustration they felt they were alone in? Was there some vulnerable conversation that we could have had where we could have realized that neither of us was alone in feeling that way? Given comfort to each other? Because I know I have felt alone sometimes. And that feeling of being alone, for me, is often the largest driving force for why I might consider leaving the Church. Sometimes I feel like by leaving I would be joining a group of people more than I would be leaving a group of people because I could feel less alone in how I felt. Because people who leave the church, in my experience, are a lot more open about their doubts and their frustrations than people who are still in the Church. And that's just not how it should be. It makes me sad if they felt alone, and I missed an opportunity to let them know that they were not alone.

Can I just submit that none of us is alone? I don’t want you to feel alone just as I don’t want to feel that way. And maybe if we all talked about that just a little bit more, we would find that there is comfort that we could all find in each other. I am not the only one with doubts or frustrations. I am not the only one wishing things were different. I am not the only one who feels inadequate. I am not the only one who sometimes feels like there is not enough hope or faith to go around, or that I don’t have enough of a testimony to share it. And I am not the only one who chooses to stay despite those things. But I will tell you that one of the reasons that allows me to stay despite all those other things, is the people that have shared their vulnerable imperfections of faith with me. I know I’m not alone even if sometimes I still feel that way. Those are my people. And the people who, despite having very little in the way of doubts, who have wonderful testimonies, who maybe have no clue why I struggle with certain topics because it comes so naturally to them... yet still give me the space I need to feel like I fit, even when I'm not sure how, who love me amidst my frustration, and comfort me amidst my sadness without trying to fix me or barrage me with platitudes... they answer questions when I ask them, but do not advise unsolicited. Those are my people.

So in case it needs to be said, you are not alone. If there is but one truth that you can cling to that tells you that this is the church where you belong, that is okay. Sometimes it's okay for your testimony to be "I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now, even if I don't like it." Because sometimes that has been my testimony. And asking questions is always okay and you should feel safe asking them. We don’t always get the answers we want. But we should always feel safe in asking them. I ask them. I am grateful for the people who listen even when they can’t answer them. Because, if you recall, one of the things we covenant to when we are baptized is to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. And I have never felt more loved than when someone fulfills that covenant, when I am in need of it. 

I hope we can strive not only to be willing to fulfill that covenant, but also willing to rely on others to fulfill that covenant.

Counselor’s Wife

My husband was recently called to serve as a counselor in our branch presidency. For those that don’t know, in our church, a “Branch” is a church unit defined by geographical location. The primary difference between a “Branch” and a “Ward” is that there are specific requirements regarding how many members there are within the boundaries to qualify as a ward. Because our boundary lines were recently redrawn, we are now a new branch. A Branch President is essentially the equivalent to a Bishop (with some differences I won’t get into at the moment). 

This has been a bumpy road for me. In the beginning I had strong confirmations from the Spirit that this was good, and this was right and that I could and should support him in this. And then the bumps hit that I knew I would struggle with—that those who know me well knew I would struggle with. And toss in the bumpy road of figuring out schedules and navigating all the communication that I need, and how to talk to Michael about my needs, and him figuring out how and how much to communicate with me, and needing to feel able to talk to him about my struggles and frustrations and differences of opinion regarding choices that were being made and things that were happening… but also feeling like doing so meant that I was failing to sustain and support him, which I don’t want. I want him to feel like I sustain and support him. Toss in with all that the fact that I went off one of my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds during this window and went through about one/two weeks of withdrawal symptoms—some of which still haven’t gone away. I have found some reason to cry more times than I can count since this calling was presented. Sometimes it was good happy crying. Much of the time it hasn’t been. And sometimes it’s for no reason at all. 

You go through a process like this and you yearn to feel validated and understood. Look online and you’ll find dozens and dozens of stories and blogs and accounts from women on what it is like to be the bishop’s wife. But there aren’t stories or blogs from the wives of the counselors. There is a large part of me that feels incredibly invalidated by this. But I don’t think it’s because none of those women struggled. It’s because they felt they didn’t have space to voice their feelings because “the wife of the Bishop has it worse.” I’m not really going to argue that. But maybe it would be more accurate to say “the wife of the bishop has it different.” There is a lot in common with our experiences, but there are also things that are different. And I won't claim to know what all she feels. The wife of the bishop has to reconcile her feelings with the choices her husband is making. The wife of the counselor has to reconcile that her husband is in some ways at the mercy of the decisions the bishop is making. Obviously it's more complicated than that and there’s more I could say on that subject but I’m not in a place to do so right now. 

I don’t really want to make the focus of this about all the things that make this hard. This is not the place. And I have already felt frustrated by people trying to get me to talk about things in the wrong place, or on an emotional level that is not on par with the kind of relationship that I have with that person. 

I just want to say that despite all of that… despite the regular frustration and annoyance and disappointment and sadness and sometimes anger that have popped up because of all of this, I still feel like I have reason to be grateful. Because despite all of that, I have felt like I have had an added measure of the Spirit. I have felt blessed again and again and again to feel a confirmation about something before it has happened and also after it happens. I witness it happen and feel a confirmation that God really is in my life right now. I have continued to feel a confirmation that our Branch President is who it is supposed to be. That he has been called by God and whatever his faults, is meant to be in this position. And that has helped me feel compassion and grace even in the midst of frustration, and I am grateful for that. I have needed that, and I know I will continue to need that. 

I have been blessed to feel a desire to grow in my faith in ways I have not felt motivated to grow in years. I have felt blessed by a desire to help my children grow their faith even in subjects I find difficult. I have been blessed with people I can talk to, with whom I can voice my doubts and my frustrations and they have made it safe for me to do so. I haven’t always had that in past struggles. I have felt blessed that my husband and I are currently in a place where I can voice my struggles and frustrations with him. It still feels like dangerous ground, because I hate that voicing those frustrations can come across as a lack of support for him… but it also feels sacred that I feel safe doing so because it hasn’t always been that way. I am forever grateful for that and I don’t want to lose that or take it for granted. It hasn’t been perfect, but I am proud of how we are managing this as a family, even if improvements can still be made.

I can’t speak to what the rest of this journey will look like. I know I won’t enjoy all of it. I know sometimes it will be easier than it is now and I know sometimes it may get harder. But I do have confirmation that I will have the Spirit to comfort me and I will have friends to comfort me and I can be that comfort for them too. I can have the Spirit to lean on, and I can grow in ways I haven’t. That doesn’t take away from the hard. Never mistake that to mean that I think the Spirit will make this less hard. In a lot of ways I don’t think that’s true (although I can recognize the validity of the argument to the contrary). But I do know the Spirit can add to the experience. I can’t say right now whether that means that it will be worth it, but I can say that right now it feels worth it. Even when I don’t want it to be. It feels worth it. There have been days when I have yearned to give up. And I have been blessed with the strength to not give up.

I believe that Heavenly Father has a plan. I believe he uses imperfect human beings to aid in the progression of that plan. And the Branch President, and my husband, and the other counselor, and the other wives, and myself all get to put up with the things that make each of us fallible. But we (like everyone else) also have the knowledge that His plan will buoy us, even though it is often carried out by the flawed disciples he shepherds.

Defining Normal

Someone once told me that anxiety and depression is normal for some people. To be honest I wasn't sure if that was really supposed to be comforting or not. But my thought for you today is that we define what is normal. 

People sometimes give me a hard time about using big words for which they don't know the definition. I don't think about it. In my family that was normal. Although my sisters far surpass me in their knowledge of small words which helps them win at Boggle (which is another family favorite). My husband laughs when I say things like "don't impute motives." Because he knows that is something my mother said a lot. Why did she say that a lot? Because it was something her therapist taught her. Another word we heard a lot? "compromise" You can thank the therapist for that one too. And the phrase "I don't believe in 'should.'" I never really asked many questions about it but my understanding is that her therapist was encouraging her to find reasons to do things outside of societal expectation, or obligation. Intrinsic motivation obviously being the better and more fulfilling motivator. Maybe that's why I fight the "should's" of life the way I do. Why did my mother see a therapist? The short answer is because she decided that it was okay to say that needing help was part of how she defined "normal." 

When I first married into my husband's family I struggled in some ways adjusting to the changes in what was "normal." For instance, they talk to each other A LOT. Which seriously weirded me out haha. My sister-in-law had high hopes for a relationship, and I had no clue how to foster that and in some ways didn't understand why that was a thing to hope for. Also, some of them tend to favor sarcasm. My family uses sarcasm too, but therapy taught us that sarcasm is a mask for anger. And a lot of the time, that was what it was in my family. And so I interpret sarcasm as anger which doesn't help when trying to build relationships that feel safe. Their family doesn't interpret sarcasm as anger, and therefore didn't understand that that was what was being communicated to me. Different normals. And that's okay. Sometimes in interacting with people it is important to remember that we can't purely interpret people's actions based on how we define "normal." And, as my mother would say... Don't impute motives.

When my oldest son was in 1st grade at public school, he was having a lot of problems. He began seeing the school counselor. One of the things the counselor told me was that she was very impressed with his understanding and the extent of his emotional vocabulary. And that is because while I was growing up, I realized that it helped me a lot to be able to put words to how I was feeling. As a child I often used the word "mad" and a grammar teacher once asked me "what does mad mean? does it mean you're certifiably crazy? does it mean that you are angry? Does it mean that you are extremely passionate about something?" She impressed upon me the importance of using words that accurately describe what you mean. Honestly at the time I thought she was being overly nit-picky. But in high school I found that if I could differentiate between whether I was angry or frustrated or sad or upset or anxious or what have you, that I could better process the emotion, and then let it go. And so that is something that I wanted to be "normal" for my kids. I have spent a lot of effort in using emotion words with them so that we can better talk about and define what it is that we are feeling, and work through it. 

I grew up with the expectation that you understood that "what happens at home stays at home" sort of attitude. That there are some things you just don't share with people. That was normal. In some ways I still understand that perspective... but also... I'm not sure you can imagine the freedom and the weight that lifted from my shoulders the first time I gave myself permission to talk about my life with people. I don't want my children thinking that our family has skeletons they must keep in the closet. And that my friends, is one of the many ways in which I am hoping to define my family's "normal." 

Is it normal to go to church? Or is it normal to not? Is it normal to be forgiving? Is it normal to admit when you are wrong? Or is it normal to stand your ground? Is it normal to have faith? Is it normal to feel safe asking questions? Obviously my children will have their own role to play in defining their normals too. I have influence, but I don't define their normal. Only they will in the end. And that is okay and that is good.

I can't say that I've done a wonderful job of it yet... but I hope to instill in my kids the understanding that it is okay for people to have different perspectives on things. And for people to make different life choices, even choices that don't align with your values. I want them to understand that barring terrible life choices that involve malintent... I think people should be judged by how well they are living according to their values, and not my own. People who are trying their best to be good people, are good people, no matter if you agree or not about any particular subject. I want them to understand that "normal" is different for everybody. I want them to understand that "normal" is relative. 

My father is a mathematician by study. Something I've heard him say more than once is that "If you ever find someone who says they are normal, tell them they must be the .5% kid." Referring to statistics that don't fully portray society as individual entities. Nobody is normal. Because normal is different for everyone. And you define your normal so that you can feel sane, and live according to your values. 

What choices will you make, to define your normal today.. and the "normal" of people whose lives you affect everyday?

Homophobic and Gay

I am a little bit homophobic. Well that sounds odd, now doesn’t it. Emily is gay, she can’t be homophobic. Yes I can. I was raised to be. I grew up in a very heteronormative culture, and things that don't fit in that box still feel a bit foreign and uncomfortable. That’s not to say that I was ever raised to be mean or hurtful to gay people, or people who don’t fit inside the stereotypic “boxes.” But it was a subject that was taboo and was generally deemed inappropriate for polite company and best never mentioned in general. I had friends in high school who were bi, gay… it never bothered me, and I loved them. But I knew that seeing gay people in shows meant the show was bad. Even now, most people I know feel that way. And I get it… I still sort of feel that way. But also, part of me wishes I didn’t feel that way. Honestly what comes to mind right now is that on some level, I think of gay couples like I think of porn. I know it exists. I’m not surprised people are into it. If I’m being honest, I have been interested in it. But I’m not supposed to see it, and I’m not supposed to want to, and on some level I have to avoid thinking about it or seeing it because otherwise it might be on my mind on repeat. And entertaining the thought makes me feel shame. I’m not saying that comparison is fair or correct or accurate… just that it feels like an apt comparison for how it makes me feel.  And I think that’s important, just to acknowledge that this implicit bias exists, and I want to change that. You can be kind and loving, and still be a little homophobic. But I think being kind and loving also implies a desire to change to be more kind and loving when you realize there is space for it.

What does it mean to be gay and homophobic? It means there is a part of me that is still uncomfortable with myself. It’s better than it used to be, I don’t feel suicidal, or wish I didn’t exist… I don’t feel as much shame… I am just not totally sure what to do with myself I guess. I just know that I never want to feel like I am hiding again. I am still trying to figure out what I believe versus the ingrained beliefs I grew up with. That’s the biggest thing right now I think. I am trying to be more open minded. I am still trying to feel like who I am isn’t the inappropriate subject you don’t mention at the dinner table. I am still trying to feel like who I am is not the elephant in the room. I am still uncomfortable with the thought that who I am could make someone uncomfortable. I am still trying to accept that maybe I don’t make other people uncomfortable, because I feel pretty convinced that I am the unwanted baggage in the room and that this part of me can make people want to avoid me, or that people would rather pretend it doesn't exist. It means I filter myself with people I don't know well because I'm worried I'll make it awkward if I mention anything to do with being gay. But filtering myself in that way reinforces the shame and makes me feel like I'm hiding again. I am still trying to feel like how I feel isn’t bad. I’m still trying to repair my self-image and sense of self worth. I am trying to find ways I can love and support people in the ways I would hope to be loved and supported. I’m still trying to figure out what I need to feel loved and supported. I am still trying to find the balance between accepting myself and others like me, while also upholding my values. I am still trying to figure out balancing my mental health, with being a productive functioning member of society. I am still trying to figure out how I can better love and be closer to my spouse. I am still trying to let myself be more vulnerable with him. 

This is why I have so loved joining LGTBQ+ Facebook groups this year. I can have the influence and support of people who are like me, but also different from me. The influence of people who don't feel shame. And other people who still feel shame, but are trying not to. The influence of people who are making different choices. The influence of knowing that I can feel love for them even if we're making different choices, and that they can feel love for me too. The influence of interacting with other gay women without having to struggle with maintaining appropriate boundaries. The effect of feeling understood, and not alone, and feeling confident that who I am does not make anyone uncomfortable. That confidence means more than I can say. And no one thinks I am broken or feels sorry for me. I can just be normal. I'm beginning to feel a little more at home among people who don't fit in that heteronormative box, and I want that. I still want to feel at home with people in the heteronormative box too though. I'm beginning to understand the desire to be "loud and proud" with rainbow flags held front and center. Because I am just so tired of feeling like I am hiding, and I just want to feel like I accept myself. And that helps me understand other gay people too. 

I have had a few conversations recently about how God commanded us to love others as we love ourselves. Which implies that we have to love ourselves. And of course, before that we are commanded to love God. And how these are all interconnected and we can’t just focus on one of them and ignore the others. And I think I have been so focused on loving others for so long so that I didn’t have to try to love myself. But not loving myself makes it harder for me to accept that God or others love me. And not accepting that God loves me, makes it harder for me to love me, or accept that other people can love me as much as I love them. It’s all interconnected. 

I feel like a big part of the "cure" to my homophobia beyond just exposure therapy 😅 is allowing myself to love me, all of me. Convincing myself to believe that other people can love me and not think of me as damaged or a burden. Remind myself that it's not my place to judge... It's not my job to judge others and it's not my job to judge myself either. My job is to love. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to accept that people can love me, especially all of me. I hope that if I can love myself, that I can accept that God loves me. And if I can accept that he loves me, that I will love him. And I hope that as I learn to love myself, and accept God’s love for me, that I will better accept the love from people in my life, and be better at loving others too. I want to love Him, I acknowledge that I should love Him for all He’s done for me. I am confident in His love for others. I acknowledge that I should feel loved by Him, and that I am loved by Him. I just want to feel it instead of just know it. 

Jesus Paused

This post is a sequel to the post titled "Come (pause) Follow Me" so if you haven't read that one, you may want to read it first, for context. 

We have one of those "little golden books" that focuses on the Story of Jesus. Some time after writing the blog entry about pausing after we come to Jesus, before we can follow him, I was reading this little golden book to my youngest daughter. One page of this book stood out that had never stood out to me before. 

I'll go ahead and share just a snippet of the scripture reference for the story:

"And Jesus being full of the Holy Ghost returned from Jordan, and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, being forty days tempted of the devil."

Luke 4: 1-2

The thought that came to me, that I've never had before, was that Jesus Paused. I suppose I've always thought of this story as an example of Jesus being beyond amazing, because he was that guy that fasted and prayed for 40 days. Something I never intend to do, because I'm not that amazing. Right? I've acknowledged that it's an example of Jesus being tempted... but at the same time never really given Jesus his due for this story. It always felt something like... "okay, he was tempted, but not REALLY tempted... because he's Jesus." Right? I think that we don't give Jesus credit when we assume that he was tempted but not really tempted. I am reminded of a quote from a book I read recently:

"I mistook a candle flame for temptation, and I was unprepared when it became a raging wildfire stealing oxygen from the air." (Tender Leaves of Hope: Finding Belonging as LGBTQ Latter-day Saint Women by Meghan Decker)

I suppose I had always assumed that Jesus only faced that "candle flame" of temptation, and never a "raging wildfire," which seems unfair in retrospect. People always say "Jesus understands how you feel, he felt temptation too." And in my head that was always followed by the caveat "yeah, but only sort of." We have to acknowledge that in order to truly understand how we feel, we have to assume that he experienced being overwhelmed by temptation. 

But what I also find interesting to note here is that Jesus was "led by the Spirit into the wilderness." We often talk of time in the wilderness as a "time of trial" for biblical characters. And the Spirit led him there. He needed this time before he could go forth and truly begin his ministry. He needed to pause. He needed to wrestle with his feelings, wrestle with God, wrestle with Satan. He needed those experiences before he could be firm in his resolve, before he could be ready to face the upcoming trials like the Cross.

A quote, from Ben Schilaty that I also find applicable here is 

"It is Christlike, to not want to do hard things."

Upon the cross, Jesus prayed that if it be possible, the cup might be removed. He was overwhelmed by the trial he was facing. He was facing unmeasurable grief and pain, and he didn't want to do it. 

I think it is powerful to remember that it is Christlike to feel temptation. It is Christlike to pause. It is Christlike to wrestle with the path God has laid out for us. It is Christlike to not want to do it. It is Christlike to feel like it's a little unfair. And yet, it is Christlike to feel those things, and still choose to follow God anyway.

Not Gay “Enough”

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to start talking about being gay, is that I have always felt somewhat like my feelings are invalid. Like a fraud. I didn't fit the box of being straight, but I didn't quite fit the box of being gay. I just didn't fit. Because I have never lived the lifestyle, and because I was able to ignore it and deny it for so long, and because I dated boys and kissed boys, and am now married to a man, and because I don’t know if I was born that way or if I was influenced by the sexual abuse I experienced, because the abuse happened so young, I can’t really remember before that. I wasn’t sure if that made me less “valid” or not. It just felt like I couldn’t call myself gay, because I wasn’t gay “enough.” And despite wanting to and coming close to, I have never kissed a girl on the lips. I wasn’t gay in the way that other people perceived me. I worried if I talked about it that people would call me out for not being gay “enough.” And because more than one person asked me if I was a lesbian in high school and I told people over and over again that I was not. They asked that question because of how I interacted with girls. I even had a girl feel the need to tell me she didn’t think of me that way. I didn’t feel that way about her either, but I lacked the boundaries necessary to make that clear. I had told myself that the way I interacted with girls was normal so that I didn’t have to face anything different. I wasn’t flirting… I was “outgoing” or my friends and I were just “so comfortable” with each other that we could be physical and it didn’t mean anything. Something. Anything but gay.

In high school I told myself that I appreciated looking at girls bodies because I was artistic and I was just admiring something beautiful. The way you would admire a painting. I ignored the fact that I didn’t look at boys that way. I rushed the physicality of my relationship with my first boyfriend because the only thing exciting about it was trying something new. I didn’t actually enjoy any of it. When I finally told him I was attracted to girls, he offered to bring girls into our relationship. It was awkward because he (like so many others have since) assumed that I was bisexual. The “bisexual” label has never felt like it really fit me though. But this assumption included the idea that I would be interested in a three-way experience.  As tempting as it was to say yes in order to experience kissing a girl, I also worried that I would be more interested in her than him and that that would hurt his feelings. And the whole idea of a guy getting off on two girls kissing just felt like…. So not the context I wanted to experience kissing a girl in anyway. And there was the guilt I felt that kissing a girl would make me a bad person. That wanting to kiss a girl made me damaged. There were times when I felt like I could hardly think about anything else. There were friends that I considered asking if I could kiss them because I knew they would let me if I asked and it wouldn’t make it weird afterwards. In reality, I think that would have been emotionally difficult for me. 

Something that has been healing for me is the realization that I am not alone. There are so many people out there under the “queer umbrella” that do not feel like they totally fit in the heterosexual box, or the homosexual box or the female box or the male box or any box. The boxes are too small and don’t allow for the fluidity in which we all experience the world on any given day. The feeling that you don’t quite fit in is certainly not uncommon. Nor is the feeling that you don’t quite match the expectations people have for you, or that you believe they have for you. 

I remember reading articles on the various labels for sexuality and one particular article said sexual identity is yours to choose. Even if you are sometimes attracted to men but are normally attracted to women, you can still identify as gay if that is what you feel most aligns with your experience. You choose. And it doesn’t matter what other people think. And that helped me a lot. It was probably the main reason why I was able to finally choose the label of “gay” years later because I felt it best aligned with how I felt, even if I didn’t quite fit the norm. 

I’m still trying to feel comfortable in my shoes. I have accepted that being attracted to women does not make me “bad.” But the possibility of that attraction being directed toward a specific person does still make me feel like a bad person sometimes. I suppose that is made more complicated by the fact that I am married. So obviously right now I feel like my attention shouldn’t stray from my husband. But I am also learning that it is okay to acknowledge that I find someone attractive. That doesn’t make me a bad person any more than my husband admitting a certain actress is attractive makes him a bad person. Acting on those thoughts is an issue. Dwelling on them can be an issue. But having the thought that someone is attractive? Not the issue. 

Sometimes I think I might just have to keep telling myself that for a while before I fully believe it in my bones. Another mantra to repeat along with “I am enough,” and “I am loved, and I am wanted, and normal is different for everybody.”

Empathy Acceptance

I once asked a new friend if they were at all uncomfortable with me being gay. I just needed to know how much this person could love me for who I am before I allowed myself to settle into really loving them too. Because if I loved them without knowing if that part of who I am made them uncomfortable, and then found out later that they were in fact not at ease with that… I knew it would hurt more than if I found out then, at that stage of our friendship. 

And when I asked the question, this person responded quite sincerely and emphatically that it was not an issue. Genuinely enough that I really felt like I could believe her, which, given my anxiety at the time was a feat in and of itself. Even still I listened to those words over and over and over again because I needed to hear the words a hundred times before it could drown out all the self-doubt and worry. She expressed that she was impressed because "I was stronger than she would be." It’s hard for me to be comfortable with that kind of praise, and she’s not the first person to give it, or the last. But what strikes me about the statement is that it means at least for some small period of time, that person has taken the time to ask themselves “what would it look like” or “what would it feel like” if I was told my whole life that I couldn’t marry the kind of person I am attracted to? To flip the narrative, “what if I was expected to marry a woman, when I myself am straight?” And she had determined that she would really and truly struggle with it, and was therefore impressed with my ability to be married to a man and have children, and truly love my spouse. To emphasize... I do not think of it as some great strength or trial to be married to my husband. I love my husband and enjoy being married to him. And I am very lucky to have him. But I respect, admire and appreciate the act of someone else trying to put themselves in my shoes, and sharing this moment with me.

And that kind of empathy is rarer than I used to think it was. I remember when I was 9 years old, learning about the Tonkawa Indians.. and my teacher told me that I had a gift for putting myself in someone else’s shoes and empathizing with how they would feel. I liked that she viewed it as a strength and honestly I think that was one of the things that made me prioritize actively growing that skillset. That was the first time I realized that not everyone has that ability. But it still felt foreign. Because it came so naturally to me, I couldn’t understand how other people couldn’t do that. I think a lot of empathetic people feel that way. Which is why it can hurt so much when other people don’t care as much because it feels so natural… they must really not care to not love the way I do. Does that make sense? It’s taken a long time to understand that not everyone can put themselves in someone else’s shoes. And not everyone cares the same way about people. When I find empathetic souls... it tends to feel a bit abnormal these days to be honest.

I once asked this person how she could be so open and at ease and accepting of me. And her response was something along the lines of “everyone needs to be loved.” And it was with this casual shrug like, “duh, this is no big deal” kind of attitude. But it is a big deal, because there are so many people who (most likely) without even meaning to, make me feel like the elephant in the room. Who make me feel like I should just not say anything so they can quietly pretend away the parts of me that make them uncomfortable. And feeling the constant pressure to be quiet makes me feel trapped and unlovable.

And I want people to be comfortable. I desperately do. Perhaps in part because I desperately want to feel comfortable and so I want the same for others. When I asked this person if they were comfortable with me being gay, I told her if she wasn’t then we could totally pretend I wasn’t and just move on and that would be okay. And it would have been okay in that I wouldn’t have held it against her… but it also would have told me exactly where we stood. I would never have allowed myself to be vulnerable with her in any way ever again. And that would have made me sad. I would have put up walls to emotionally distance myself from the relationship and I would have devoted less time to the friendship. It would have made me feel a little broken and unloved. But that’s not something I’m unfamiliar with, and I could have dealed. Some of you may disagree with that attitude, and I certainly wouldn’t have hidden that part of me just because of one person… I was only saying it didn’t have to be something the two of us actively discussed. If that makes sense. 

I recently had a scripture pointed out to me… and this person was relating it to their struggle with coming out to people.

"But with some I am not well pleased, for they will not open their mouths, but they hide the talent which I have given unto them, because of the fear of man."

Doctrine & Covenants 60:2

They were careful to point out that being gay is not a “talent”… but I like this analogy. They felt like the times they had "come out" to people had served a greater spiritual purpose in either their own lives or in someone else’s (or both). And there were times they hadn’t shared this vulnerable part of them because of "fear of man"… and therefore likely missed some opportunity to do what God wanted them to do. I feel that sometimes. I feel sometimes like I have a work to do, and part of that work relates to having been sexually abused, and part of that work comes from being gay, and part of that work comes from being a mother, and part of that work comes from being a friend, and part of that work comes from being a wife, and part of that work comes from struggling with depression and anxiety, and all of that work relates to being a daughter of God. And keeping any part of me quiet would lessen the amount of work I can get done. I am not some loud voice in a crowd. My voice doesn’t reach very many people. And not many people read my blog. And that’s okay. But I still feel like part of my work is to speak, and it doesn’t matter if it only affects one person, although obviously I hope to reach as many as I can… But sometimes I don’t even post my blogs to Facebook because it feels like I was probably the only person who needed those words. Still, I remain grateful for the people who can put themselves in my shoes, I remain grateful for people who love me when I don’t understand why, and who seek to understand me when I feel alone and misunderstood, and who help me to feel comfortable. I am grateful for the experiences I have had that allow me to help others.

I am grateful for who I am, if who I am can make someone else comfortable when they feel uncomfortable as much as I do.

Gay and Okay

 I recently attended a devotional featuring Ben Schilaty as a guest speaker. Ben Schilaty is an openly gay member of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This prompted me to check out his blog. I admit I sort of binged and read several of his blog posts back to back. And I loved several of them, and could probably write a blog sharing something I learned from each one. But today I want to talk about one he wrote in April of last year where he talks about a crush he had on a boy. 

What sticks out to me most about this aside from the sheer amount of vulnerable detail shared in that post, was that he acknowledged that struggling with his decision to stay within the bounds we believe God has set… is still a present struggle. It’s not something that he struggled with for a while, got good at, and now that his decision has been made it’s easier now. I mean maybe it’s easier than it once was but it doesn’t go away. Does that make sense? I guess you look at a guy who’s written a book on the subject and is older than you, and is giving speeches at devotional meetings as someone who’s got his life figured out. And I guess I have spent most of my life feeling like I was “doing well” if the subject of same sex attraction was far from my mind. And when it was on my mind that meant I was “struggling.” But here’s this guy that I guess in some ways I look up to (without any of that star-struck celebrity nonsense)… as someone who has figured this out… and he still thinks about and regularly acknowledges that he’s gay. He can be gay and okay at the same time And I guess that sort of said to me… I can be okay, and I can be thinking about it, and acknowledge I am attracted to women, and also be okay. It doesn’t have to mean I am “struggling.” And for the most part I had already come to that conclusion on my own, but it just sort of helps to not be alone in that. 

Unrelated to that blog post, but I woke up this morning feeling particularly unashamed. Not that I’ve been struggling with shame lately. More just the general anxiety about me being awkward, because sometimes I am awkward ;) and I still worry that I make other people uncomfortable. But I woke up this morning feeling particularly aware of the fact that I can feel the way I feel, and it’s okay. It doesn’t control me. And I can experience things differently and be okay.

And then I went to church. And I sat there in the Sacrament meeting, and just felt peace. I can’t remember the last time I really felt that way, enveloped by that feeling. And I thought to myself, I am feeling the Holy Ghost. And it really had nothing to do with anything anyone was saying. Honestly I don’t think I was really even listening. All I was focused on was that feeling. But I just sat there, sitting in the feeling of peace, that I was where I was supposed to be, that I was whole and unbroken, and I think more importantly, a feeling that I was worthy of being loved. And as I sit here writing this I think… maybe the Holy Ghost had an easier time talking to me when I was at peace with who I am. With less noise in my head… I could better connect with Him. And as we left church I hoped the feeling wouldn’t leave. 

And I hope for you to have that feeling too.