Snapshots of Life

I want to talk about two things in this entry. I think I'll talk about the mildly silly thing first, just so that I can end on a more serious note.

First snapshot.

I love taking pictures. Or rather... what I think would be more accurate to say is that I love having pictures. I love having pictures of friends, and preferably, I like having pictures of being with friends. Pictures are wonderful memories. And I'd do a lot of things, and go a lot of places just for the sake of a picture. I think my mother kind of raised me to be that way. Even though I wouldn't describe my mother as being big into taking pictures or anything... she understood the importance of memorializing things like family vacations. And maybe of course, it's just a factor of having 8 kids and needing excuses to get out of the car on family vacations. But in my family, we never just drove to our final destination when going on a long car ride. We would stop at random cactus' and rocks and cliffs along the side of the road and take pictures. That is something I hope to do in my family. Those are some of my favorite memories as a kid. Stopping to take random pictures. I'm pretty sure some people just don't get it haha. But it's something that will always be important to me. I remember driving around in California with some of my friends, and we passed a giant Kokopelli. And the moment I saw it, I knew I had to take a picture with it. I think we were on the way to a baseball game or something so they said we couldn't stop, but they promised we'd do it on the way back. And let me tell you, an awful lot of people have promised me that, we'd take a picture with something "on the way back" and it never happened. So when they went out of their way on the way back to let me take my picture with that Kokopelli, I knew I was loved! haha. If you know me very well, you'll know that I love my Kokopelli.

In high school I took a lot more pictures. I took pictures all the time to the point that I'm very certain that a lot of my friends lost patience with it. I guess we all feel a little self conscious when people take our picture, and I took their pictures a lot! haha. I tamed myself down after the good majority of my friends behooved me to do so. I guess that's a good thing, cuz now I'm like a big kid who has to go to work and be boring and such. And it probably wouldn't go along with the professional image to be taking pictures all the time! But I miss it. I feel very free, and very myself when taking pictures. And taking pictures of my friends has always made me smile. And having pictures with my friends makes me love them more I think. That sounds weird to say. I think for now my friends are happy I don't take so many pictures though haha.

Second Snap Shot.

Today, I would like to express my gratitude for the friends that Heavenly Father brings our way in this life. I have had a great many friends in my day. Most friends don't stick around forever, which is sad. But in their time, they bring a lot of happiness and a lot of memories. And that is extremely important. But there are people I'm confident I could always be friends with until I'm a little old lady.

I think that in a true friend... they see positive things in us that sometimes even we, ourselves cannot see. Sometimes I don't think there are a lot of reasons to love me. But that's why friends are there. Because they are able to see at least portions of us through Heavenly Father's eyes. True friends love us for who we are despite the silly things we may do or say and I think it's partially because of the light of Christ.. And they can be honest and blunt with us because somewhere in their hearts they know that we see them through some portion of Heavenly Father's eyes too. So no matter what they say, even if it may come off harsh, I know that person loves me, and therefore, there must be a reason why they are saying whatever it is. It's why we're more likely to listen to a friend than a stranger.

My friends have helped me more in life than I could ever imagine. I mean... I first wanted to be a good little molly mormon child because I saw the example of my dear friend Paula. She hates that I wanted to be just like her I think. Really I just wanted to have a testimony like hers.. haha. Many of my talents grew from friendships. The positive memories I have to look back on in life often come from friendships too. I've been given the experience to help others grow through friendships. Just the very experience of getting to see some small glimpse of how Heavenly Father sees a person, is a precious memory. I would even say that it's an integral part of my testimony.

The strongest motivator I have to be good, to be obedient, to be righteous... I wouldn't have if I didn't have friends. The thing that drives me to seek a testimony of the Gospel... the thing that gives me the confidence that there is a plan out there for my life that I must seek to follow... the thing that tells me I can be with my family for eternity because of the sealing ordinances in the temple... is love. I remember feeling so sad. I don't even remember what was so sad at the time. But I just wanted to cry. And one of my friends just held me and let me cry. She knew exactly what I needed in that moment. And it's because she loved me. And it's because Heavenly Father knew exactly what I needed in that moment. That's why he blessed me with that friend at that moment. He blessed me because I needed Him. He blessed me because He knows I need to know He loves me in order for me to endure the trials that come from trying to follow Him. That's why I follow Him. Because He loves me. And I learned what that love meant from my family, and from my friends. I learned through the bursts of love I've felt when praying. I learned when it was time to go back to work, and I had to say goodbye to my little boy for a day.

I love Him. Because He loves me. And because He loves me, He shows me the way to friends that will help me get closer to Him.

Anyway.. guess that's a random combo for a blog. But I did it. So there's no arguing about it.
I love Him. And I love memories!

(favorite painting ever!)

Spirit of Service

I was sitting in a meeting the other day. And it was a pretty relaxed meeting. We were prepping for another meeting. And I remember sitting there... admittedly zoning out for a minute from the contents of the meeting. I was feeling the spirit. And I was thinking to myself... why do I feel the spirit right now? We're not really talking about anything gospel related. I don't feel like I'm learning anything. And then I thought... is it possible to feel the spirit and not learn something? Generally speaking when I feel the spirit, it's testifying of the truth of something in that moment. And I was just sitting there thinking... there's nothing going on right now... nothing I'm learning... nothing. Why would I feel the spirit now? I thought about asking someone if they had ever felt the spirit but hadn't learned anything from the experience... but it felt just like such a ridiculous thing to ask. 

Well, today I was sitting in the meeting that that meeting was supposed to prep us for. And I realized what it was that the spirit was testifying to me. It didn't really matter what those girls were talking about. It didn't really matter what was being said, or what was going on. I realized that those girls had been given the calling they were given for a reason. They are meant to have those callings right now. And that was a powerful realization.

Admittedly, I'm not that spiritual of a person. Less spiritual than I have been. And at the very least, I could be far more spiritual than I am. And I should be. And I'm trying to be more than what I am right now.

Anyway... today I led a brief training for the members of the compassionate service committees in my ward. I will tell you that I felt extremely unqualified to talk about the topic. When I think back across my college days I just think of all the times that I was so much better than I am right now! Once upon a time I was a Visiting Teaching Supervisor. It was actually a bit of a weird calling, because I was realistically doing a lot of things the Relief Society presidency normally does, like choosing companionships and all kinds of things. But whatever. Anyway... I had such a strong testimony of Visiting Teaching that semester. I wanted all my girls to be visit taught. So when my girls reported that a girl hadn't been visit taught, or if they said that they hadn't been visit taught that month... then I decided that as their supervisor, I was like the back-up visiting teacher. So I was visiting over a dozen girls a month. I had been struggling with depression so much that semester. But Visiting Teaching saved me. And it wasn't my visiting teachers that saved me... it was visiting teaching. It was serving others because I wanted to love people. I made cookies every week to give to my apartment complex. I made homemade bread for people on mother's day. That semester, I learned that serving others brought me out of depression better than anything else ever could. So I did a lot of serving to make up for the depression haha.

Realistically typing it all out makes it sound pretty absurd. I mean... no one can keep that kind of thing up forever, right? But I wish I could. I know that nothing will ever make me happier than serving people.

Now for the weird part. I look back on that semester and think... I had such a strong testimony of visiting teaching. I know it saved me that semester... and indirectly, it saved me for several future semesters because of the friendships I made through it. But at the same time.. I really haven't had a testimony of visiting teaching ever since that semester. Even though I have the memory of having a testimony of it, that doesn't mean I've still been able to feel in the same life changing-acting kind of way. Realistically, I feel like I've been a pretty useless lump of a person for a while now service-wise.

So I kind of seem like an odd choice for Compassionate Service Chair. Or the person that's going to talk about the doctrine behind service. And I was really stressed out about it!

Anyway... I really don't know how to explain it... I didn't feel prepared to give that lesson at all. But it went so well. And as I was talking, I felt truth in the words of the prophets I was quoting.

I ended my lesson with the following quote... and I was explaining that this quote made compassionate service feel possible. This quote made me realize that we really can be just like Christ, because he did things that were possible. He didn't just walk on water or turn water into wine. His days were filled with small, simple acts of service that anyone could do. I could be like Christ. You can be like Christ. It's POSSIBLE. I dunno, doesn't sound so profound when I type it out... but it just felt very real to me.

We can pray for our hearts to be filled with love for others. And that love is what makes us want to serve people. Then we don't have to look for the time to serve people. We will just make the time because those people will be our priority, no matter what. And that is always my goal and aspiration when it comes to what I want to be like. Anyway.. here's the quote.

Don’t those small, deliberate deeds mean the most when we are hurting? The kinds of service that Jesus gave in his earthly ministry were often of this sort. Charles Henry Parkhurst described the Lord’s style of compassionate service this way: 

“Christ’s ministry, from Baptism to Ascension, … is mostly made up of little words, little deeds, little prayers, little sympathies, adding themselves together in unwearied succession. The Gospel is full of divine attempts to help and heal, in body, mind, and heart, the individual. … The completed beauty of Christ’s life is only the added beauty of little inconspicuous acts of Beauty—talking with a woman at the well; showing the young ruler the stealthy ambition laid away in his heart that kept him out of the Kingdom of Heaven; … teaching a little knot of followers how to pray; kindling a fire and broiling fish that disciples might have breakfast; waiting for them when they came ashore from a night of fishing, cold, tired, and discouraged. All of these things … let us so easily into the real quality and tone of [Christ’s] interests, so specific; so narrowed down, so enlisted in what is small, so engrossed in what is minute.”

I just wanted to say one last thing. Old people in the Church are always saying that our generation must have been valiant spirits to have come to earth in this day and age. That we each were meant to come at the time that we did, because we were built for it in a way. The idea that we were ready for what we would experience here. Well most of the time when people say that I just think "I don't feel very valiant." You know what I realized today? We can choose to be "as valiant" as we were in the pre-existence. It is a choice. It is an action. It's something we can commit to. Through prayer, obedience, commitment, and action.. we can be as great as we were, and as great as we are intended to be.

And the Lord puts us in a position to realize the things we need to realize.

Anyway.. the end! Hopefully that wasn't too boring!
loves

Personal Aspirations

Well, my last post was talking about goals. But it was in pretty general terms. So it's time I turned that on myself. I'm not really sure how to approach this topic to be honest. I think it's extremely important for your emotional and spiritual well being that you don't remain stagnant in life. And to be honest, I'm probably best described as someone who stagnates and then sprints a quarter mile before returning to stagnation. It's a round I repeat through. Not that that's a good thing, or something I should accept, but it's what has been true nonetheless.

I've been thinking a lot about how to jump start my life again. I got home late last night and was thinking about this. And I thought, well, I should start immediately. And of course I thought, no... it's late, I'll start tomorrow, not today. But that's the same thought I've had more than one night. And spiritual changes don't come about through procrastination. So even though it was late I decided to make sure I started working on my goals then and there.

I have always thought that journal writing was important for me. For one, I've always loved being able to look back on the memories I have recorded in my journals throughout the years. I've had my ups and downs when it comes to journal writing though. Setting aside all the talk from the prophets about journal writing and why it's important (and their reasons are all true)... For me personally... writing in my journal is a release. It's a friend that can always be there. It's something that always listens, and always understands. And it helps organize my thoughts in preparation for prayer. So that's there's an awful lot of reasons why I need to write in my journal every day.

I've always struggled with giving personal prayers. The moments I've been successful are powerful memories filled with tears, relief, joy, Godly sorrow, and love. And wouldn't it be wonderful to receive those experiences every day? I think so. It's one thing to pray every night... it's another thing to commune every night and day.

Reading scriptures is one of those building blocks. Without it I think our foundation becomes incredibly shaky. Satan's very good at spiritual Jenga. And I don't know about you, but I'm trying not to fall down. Reading scriptures used to be really hard for me growing up because I just hated re-reading books. I've gotten better with that in the last five years or so in my life I think. But that doesn't mean I'm a perfect scripture reader either, just that I've gotten better about re-reading books. I think my favorite semester here at college (reading scriptures wise) was my first semester. I read my scriptures twice a day. In the mornings I read for twenty minutes just going straight through. And at night I would just flip to a random page and read until I felt I had learned something that applied to what I was feeling at the time. That was extremely effective for me. It gave me the opportunity to feel like I was doing the study we're encouraged to do, and read through the scriptures... but it also gave me the opportunity to feel like God was speaking to me through the scriptures and aiding me in my life. That's something I'd like to reinstate in my daily routine.

Testimony. What to say about testimony. It wasn't until sometime during my freshman year of high school that I really felt like I gained a testimony. And I suppose in some respects my method wasn't very traditional. I began researching the other big religions out there. I began considering their doctrines and how they would affect my life. I found a lot of truths and a lot of peace in the doctrines of other religions. I started reading the Torah, the Quran, the Bhagavad Gita. And they are wonderful books. I thought the Catholic idea of selecting a Saint at Confirmation was fascinating. But the more I researched other religions, the stronger my impression was that I was meant to be in the very same religion I had been born into. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was meant to be mormon. That was true. It still is true.

Now that doesn't mean I didn't fall after that realization. That doesn't mean I didn't have to gain my testimony again and again after that. But that's the moment I think of when I think of gaining a testimony. I remember a time in my life when I thought... Yes. I could leave the church. That's a choice I have. I don't have to abide by its precepts. I don't have to do anything. And in that moment I realized something like those witnesses of the Book of Mormon that ended up leaving the church... I realized that no matter what... that if I left the church, I would do so knowing that it was true. I realized that my testimony had become something that couldn't be lost merely by a desire to stray. And that was an important moment in the foundation of my testimony as well. I think the key for me... is not just knowing that I have a testimony, but I have to be applying it to my life at all times. If I haven't applied it to my life that very day, then I can't bear testimony. And that's something I need to do more often.

Gratitude. My life is just like everybody else's. It's had ups and its had downs. My trials are my own trials just as your trials are yours. And every trial affects us personally. I think some people don't realize that there are some trials we never "get over" and the idea that someone expects me to just get over certain things in my life is honestly infuriating. But that doesn't mean we dwell on them. That doesn't mean we feel ungrateful for them. That doesn't mean we don't learn from them, or bless others through them. I don't really think trials make you stronger. I think that if you can apply your testimony to your trials, that your testimony makes you stronger. Hopefully that makes sense. Anyway... my thing here, is that I want to feel more gratitude in my heart. I remember a time sitting in my bed at home as a teenager realizing that I was just overcome with a sense of gratitude. And that sense of gratitude is what spurred me to share my testimony so often. It was feeling grateful that made me want to share that feeling with others. And gratitude in my opinion is the best remedy for sadness, depression, fear. Gratitude is like a wonderful cure all.

Finally, I would like to scatter sunshine. What is gratitude, what is testimony, what is prayer, if I am not helping someone else feel better every day? If I can't make someone else smile, feel loved and cherished... what am I doing? That is by far the thing that gives me the greatest sense of purpose in my life. I love it when someone calls me in the middle of the night because they knew I wouldn't mind. They knew I would rather talk to them all night, or drive over to their house because they needed me. There are few things so powerful as the knowledge that you have been able to love someone well enough that they trust you to love them when they feel vulnerable. That' one of my strongest priorities in life and I have got to improve. I need to spread that sense of gratitude, testimony, and joy every day. I need to make someone smile every day. And it doesn't help that making someone else smile usually makes me smile too. I'm pretty sure God didn't send me to Earth to make anyone feel burdened or saddened.

Anyway... I won't go into the specific details of my goals like I talked about in my last post. I think for now just sharing the topics will do. But those are my goals. It's about becoming a better me. It's not about it being a new year. It's about feeling the impression that I needed to work on things, and then acting on it. It's about reminding myself all the time to work on those things. I'm pretty sure those will pretty much be the subject of my goals for the rest of my life... maybe plus a few more just to mix it up, but you get the idea. So I guess you can feel free to call me out if what you're witnessing in my behavior doesn't match up to one of these goals. Because I need to be honest with myself and others, and I need others to be honest with me too.

Here's to friendship, growth and faith.
Love ya'll!

Never Resolutions but Always Goals

I have never been a big fan of "New Years Resolutions" ... making goals under that premise seems to me.. like making a goal with a pre-prepared excuse for why you didn't carry it out. And that just seems silly. So why not just make a goal and call it what it is... a goal? I also think it's silly to say "this is my goal for the year." At least for myself, if I were to do that, then I'd tell myself that I had the whole year to procrastinate before it was time to evaluate my progress. I think its better to re-evaluate every month or every couple months. You can have the same goal every month for a year, but that way you're always thinking about it.

I am a Social Work major. And this last semester, that meant taking a class in which we had to write treatment plans for our theoretical clients (in this case, specifically children). And, I may or may not have been told by the professor that I was the best out of the class at writing said treatment plans ;) It's moments like that that give me a moment to think to myself "Maybe this really is meant to be my major." Aanyway.. these treatment plans were evaluated on a lot of criteria, but for now I'd like to focus on the fact that they were required to be time limited, objective, and reasonable.

Time limited merely means that you must set a date by which you hope these goals are achieved. This could be three weeks from now, or a year from now. For the purpose of our treatment plans, we had several long term goals (such as a year from now), and then we determined a handful of short term goals that were designed to help the client reach the long term goal. The long term goal could not even be achieved without achieving the short term goals. I think that's one of the major flaws of New Years resolutions. Everyone focuses on the long term goal, but no one bothers to determine the short term goals and interventions they are going to implement in order to reach those long term goals. Doomed for failure.

Objective meant that we had to write each of the goals for our clients in such a way that no matter who was reading that goal, it meant exactly the same thing. No biasing language. No language that could be interpreted in any way. For personal goals I'm not sure how important this is since it's not like I'm showcasing my goals to a caseworker, a judge, a jury, or anything like that. But, I think it's important to define our goals in a clear and concise way so that we know exactly what we're hoping to achieve instead of some vague generalization like "I'm going to get in shape" ... I don't even know what that means with interpretation, let alone without interpretation!

Reasonable. This is one of the biggest things. This is one of the areas of treatment planning that I struggled a little bit in. And I think this is something everyone struggles in when making their resolutions as well. I might make a goal like "I will do X three times a week for six weeks by such and such a date." Time limited. Objective. But is it reasonable? Your first thought might be, well it can't be too hard to do something three times a week, right? So of course it's reasonable. However, if I miss one day, screw up one week... then I can no longer accomplish the goal! This is where so many people fall in their "new years resolutions." Well, I already ate dessert once this month, so now my goal is ruined, so I might as well give up. Or whatever the applicable goal is. That's one of the only mistakes I made in my final treatment plan for this class I mentioned! It would have been better to design the goal to say "I will do X three times a week for at least five out of six weeks by such and such a date." This way I have allowed a little room for mistakes. This way I can still say, "Hey, I missed this week, but now I can resolve once more to completing this goal!"

Anyway... this probably seems a little bit like Emily standing on a soap box... but it was just something I've been thinking about. Hopefully it gives some food for thought when regarding New Years Resolutions and Goals. Soooo there ya go.

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
-Robert Frost

Relative Life

I find it amazing that no matter the hardships or trials we face we seem to underplay them for others. I think its amazing that we move past them at all. And sometimes I find it amazing that we don't share them more often to testify that trials are overcome. I mean no one wants to focus on gloom or doom... but hopefully we don't put the focus in our lives on the gloom and doom, but instead on the feelings afterwards. I think of the times I have helped friends overcome their experiences with abuse or pain and I smile. And could I have helped them in the same way if not for my own life story? Well who knows anyway since it can't be undone! Everyone's experienced pain and no matter what the cause of that pain was... for them it was real. For them it might have been the only truth they felt in that moment. For anyone else to underplay that... is unjust and unkind. One could reasonably say that it's just plain stupid. Or at least I would say that. Because even looking back... comparing my life story to those I've known and I think... "Oh how trivial. I should get over it!" ... I feel as though I've overcome those trials as best I can, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel the pain of it. One of my friends once said that she knew shortly after meeting me that I had experienced pain because how else could I be so happy? Without pain there is no joy. Opposition in all things as they say... And who wouldn't be grateful for the joy in their lives? So therefore... who wouldn't want to experience pain... at least every now and then?

People tell you that their lives are boring or that they have nothing interesting to tell you about themselves... but I'm not sure that's ever true. Everyone experiences those small seemingly meaningless moments of happiness that mean something to them. It's just a matter of feeling comfortable letting someone else in on those moments, whether they are happy or sad. I love being allowed to see the things about people's lives that they don't broadcast. I love it when people are truly honest about their life, their feelings...when they are truly genuine with you. There are no moments more special than that. Life is all relative and I don't think we should ever ever forget that. Moral of the story... life stories are precious no matter what the story is. And anyone should feel privileged for getting to share in one. So here's a New Years toast... here's hoping I can meet honest, genuine people, and that I can be just as honest and genuine with them.

Mirror Messages

For those who do not know... I love bathtub crayons. Not that I necessarily play with them in the bathtub... very often... however, they do have other uses for which they can be of service! Once upon a time I bought some magnets for our fridge that are like little whiteboards you can leave messages on. I intended them to be little spots where Michael and I could leave messages for eachother. However, it quickly became apparent that sometimes these magnets were overlooked. Well, for those who did not know... Michael and I are married. And this means... we share a bathroom! So... I began leaving messages with bathtub crayons. A message written on the bathroom mirror is pretty hard to miss since I find that most people at least take one look in the mirror before leaving the house.

Our messages range from, could you bring me this to school today, or could you make sure I'm awake by this time, to the more frequent visitors on our mirror... things like "I LOVE YOU" ... you know... things like that. I probably shouldn't provide too many examples, or let's be honest, you might just gag. But tonight, it's "MY HUSBAND IS THE BEST" because he just plain is. For multiple reasons of course... but he is.

Also, I have felt an extreme desire to decorate for Christmas early this year but I have been resisting! So.... I put up Christmas window clings in our kitchen window just to satisfy the urge for now. But I haven't put up any Christmas trees, so I'm not cheating the wait until after Thanksgiving rule... at least not really really cheating it. Anyway, that was random. But I thought I'd share.
<3s

Of Birthdays

Well, Happy Birthday to me, right?! Right.

This year I turn an odd number. A prime number even. Not sure how I feel about that. Not that I'm superstitious of course... just prefer even numbers. And this birthday almost turned into a disaster being stuck at work the night before... not having my mint chocolate chip icecream... having a midterm due at 11:59pm.. But I managed, albeit haphazardly, to turn in my midterm at 11:58pm (and hopefully I managed a grade high enough to keep my A in the class). I messaged one of my friends who gave me the intel I needed to find a gas station with a close enough flavor substitute for my traditional mint chocolate chip icecream (saved the day!).  And while today I have another test to take (which will involve lots of studying), and a silly group meeting to go to... I got the day off from work (well, not my late night shift). But I'll have some freedom tonight with Michael. And that'll be great.

This year looks complicated. But it has a lot of potential. I'm becoming the manager at my work in just 2 short months. By then my baby boy could be crawling, who knows!? My husband is nearing the end of this level of his education, looking for internships. I have people at work right now that I actually consider friends. Not real close friends or anything, but, you know, like I said, lots of possibilities this year! So who knows.

Anyway, guess life's always a mystery, full of surprises.
To bed I go dear ones!

Ups and Downs

Really life is going pretty well. Before I got married I always said that there was no way that I could ever do school and have a kid at the same time. Now here I am with a kid, going to school, and I'm pretty much working full time as well. It's not ideal, and it's not exactly what I want... most days I'd prefer to drop out of school and quit my job. But there are other days that going to school feels right, and working seems fun. I've often enjoyed a challenge. I wouldn't mind sleeping more.. But it's only one semester right? Besides all of my friends are at work, so if I stop working I won't have any social life, and that would be more sad. I miss Michael on the days I don't see him much, but that's kind of how it goes in school anyway I guess. Lots of time spent studying. I'm ready to be the stay at home mom in so many ways. But I also know that it's fair if I support the family for these first few years while Michael's in school... then he can take the long shift of doing it.

I still don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing with my life in the near-distant future... But... that's always the case I suppose.

In a few weeks, Michael and I will be having birthdays! The end.

Baby Life

Well, I'm up sort of late on a Saturday and Michael's gone to bed. But I don't really feel tired. I should probably take advantage of whatever chances I get to sleep since I'm at work until somewhere between midnight and 4am like 5 days of the week... but I'm not. So, I'm sitting and I realized I haven't updated my blog since Adam was born, so I thought this might be a good opportunity to do so.

My pregnancy was pretty easy I suppose. I never had false labor sending me to the hospital unnecessarily. Labor didn't hurt until an hour or two after they broke my water. Really only the last five hours or so were bad, and delivery only took 15 minutes. So that's not bad. Adam was born a beautiful healthy baby boy. It took us until like the day we left the hospital to give him a name, but we did it. I think it's finally starting to stick for me. A lot of the time we just call him Buddy. But I'm starting to think of him as Adam more often now.

He has been a wonderful baby. The first night in the hospital with him he woke up a lot. And it was really hard for me to sit up and grab him from the bassinet they put beside my hospital bed so I eventually just laid him on my chest and we slept together like that for at least the next couple weeks. We didn't move him into his own room in the crib until he was probably about two and a half months old.

A lot of people talk about that magical moment when they first laid eyes on their baby or when they first held their baby. Not to dull the moment, but I really didn't think it was magical. It just seemed natural to me. He was immediately part of the family. It sort of felt like he's always been there and I've always known him.

Since bringing him home it's just been great to have him around. I admit returning to work was hard. Once I finally did it, it wasn't that bad... but the thought of going to work before I had returned... just made me cry. I didn't want to leave my little boy. In the long run I think it's been really good though. It's given Michael the chance to have some alone time with Adam and get to know him and his habits, likes and dislikes. And I'm glad for that.

We have now begun school and that I think has been the first thing we've encountered that we really weren't sure how to handle with a baby. Michael's doing the early morning custodial on campus, so he bikes there in the mornings (at least for now while it's not too cold yet)... and then he stays on campus afterwards. I wake up several hours later and feed Adam, attempt to get ready for school and prepare the diaper bag each morning. Once I get to campus, Michael takes Adam so I can go to class. When I get out of class we switch off--Michael goes to class, and I take the baby. We've managed to work out our schedules so that Michael always has the baby when I'm in class, and vice versa. I'm always the last one to get out of class. Lately Michael's been going home with Adam after his last class and then I just take Michael's bike home when I got out of class. On Mondays and Wednesdays I get to go home and Michael and I attempt to take turns watching baby and doing homework. Monday evenings I go to work around 10pm to do reports and then do my best to work as quickly as I can so I get home before Michael has to leave for work the next morning around 3:50am. Michael's going to be lead student again this semester so it means he works early morning custodial on Saturdays as well now. This means I also have to make sure I work as fast as I can to get home before he needs to leave on Fridays nights when I do reports as well. So far we've been pretty lucky and I've been able to finish in time.

Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I go straight to work after I get out of class and eat lunch there..  so we only see each other for about two or three minutes at a time when we're switching off baby. A wonderful grand total of maybe fifteen minutes a day... I've been managing the shifts pretty much every day I work so I get done pretty late no matter what time shift ends, and on Fridays I have to stay to do reports after shift ends. My boss mentioned a while back that he's hoping to make all the reports be automated... Michael and I keep hoping that will happen so that I get home that much earlier from work. It would also mean I'd only be working 3 days a week instead of 5. Michael's decided to put in his one week's notice with the call center. That will at least mean that we'll get to add Saturdays to the number of days we see each other each week. Although it will probably eventually become a day pretty heavily focused on homework.

I really don't feel confident that I can keep up the momentum of work, baby and school. I feel like not being able to see Michael three days of the week is really going to start taking its toll, but I'm not really certain what to do about it. I miss my husband, and I miss my baby. But I don't really feel able to drop any of my responsibilities right now... I keep thinking I'd like to stop going to school but I'm never certain that it feels like the right thing to do... I was just offered the Manager position at work and they really need for me to take it because the only other option they have when the current manager leaves is a guy who knows nothing and hasn't been with the company for long (and no one really likes him... so all the supervisors have threatened to quit if he gets the position)... And while I feel extremely flattered by the offer, and I really do enjoy the manager position... I don't feel like I could handle the inability to ever get time off, or the attitude our boss has that no matter how many things you're doing right, the one thing you do wrong supersedes everything else. I personally prefer to focus on my improvements, instead of my mistakes.

And of course there's the factor that I just plain want to be at home with Adam. I just want to be his mother and nothing else. But at the same time, I do enjoy being at work and knowing that I'm the best at what I do, or that I'm valued there. I want the position, and I don't at the same time.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be at. If I drop out of school the world will be disappointed with me... even though I'm pretty sure I could graduate with a Bachelors in General Studies right now if I wanted to. If I stopped working I'd be leaving the company up a creek without a paddle. If I left both and stayed home with Adam, there's always the possibility that in the future I could regret not finishing school, not having a career, etc.

Michael's hoping to do his internship this Winter and realistically if I stay in school, I have 2 internships I have to do and I really don't think I could do them while still maintaining my job (especially not the schedule I'd be adapting if I became Manager). We're not even sure if we'd both be able to be doing stuff because who knows if his internship schedule will clash with my work schedule or internship or whatever. It seems so much simpler to just be the stay at home mom. But come fall when he's in school again I feel like I'll need to be working again, even if I stopped doing work and school for the Winter semester while he was doing his internship. So why would I want to quit my job when I'm in a position where I could get another raise and boost my resume, when I'll probably be needing a job again next Fall, right?

Nothing really makes sense. The only thing that really makes sense right now is looking at my baby and smiling when he smiles, and laughing when he laughs, and rejoicing in his every triumph and skill.

It's a journey.

Reciprocity of Physicality and Emotion

Intimacy is an interesting thing. I think there are a lot of people who don't truly understand it's meaning or it's purpose. In the beginning of a relationship, we tend to think of physical advances as a way to communicate that we're interested in making the relationship more serious. Personally, I'd tend to argue that it should be the other way around. Assuming your relationship is being built upon some foundation of friendship, trust, and care... and not intended to be purely physical... I think that the physical side of a relationship should really be more like... a symptom. Physical intimacy is like sneezing or coughing when you have a cold. It's a natural side effect that starts happening. You don't force yourself to do it.

This isn't to say of course that just because your body is telling you to go somewhere, that you should, "because it's a natural side effect." That's not what I'm saying. Obviously I believe in restraining those impulses until the time when it is appropriate, such as, within the bounds of matrimony (depending on what level of intimacy you're referring to).

However, I think this is an important distinction. It means that being physical with someone will not create a good foundation for your emotional and spiritual relationship with that person. Sure, it may create a false sense of trust and security for a time, but the foundation will not be there. Your relationship will eventually collapse if you were attempting to build the emotional and spiritual facets of your relationship on top of your physical relationship. Rather, if you build your emotional and physical relationship with this person, they will slowly become your partner, and those facets of your relationship will create the foundation necessary to lift each other up for eternity. Those facets of your relationship will ignite the trust and love necessary to have a healthy physical relationship with someone.

I tend to think that it is wrong to attempt being physical with someone in order to prove your emotional and spiritual relationship. Being physical proves nothing. Just like sneezing doesn't indicate having a cold. It could be allergies. You're probably thinking that's an odd analogy by now, but oh well. It's working for me.

Anyway... I've probably beaten the horse dead by now. I just wanted to hit on the importance of the fact that we should all place our emotional and spiritual relationships with people first. Without them, we won't have the foundation necessary for anything else.