Last Week

Having Michael coming home on the 18th was a sigh of relief. I admit when we were waiting for him at the airport I was extremely anxious and there was a part of me that was desperate to run up the stairs so I would be the first to see him. I've never been so excited to see someone in my entire life. I was just so glad to be with him again and to see him, and be reminded of all the good parts of getting married... not just the baking and the planning and the budgeting parts!It's become more and more real that we're getting married with every passing day.

My parents and I went with Juli and Jonathan to the temple on Thursday. They went through a session in the baptistery while my mother and I went to the distribution center. I chose out fabrics and styles for clothing in the temple like my Temple Dress (which will need to be altered because it's currently dragging on the floor lol). My mother was grinning ear to ear the whole time. It was cute. Afterwards we went into the temple to see how they were coming along in the baptistery and one of the temple workers asked if I could get changed into the white jumpsuit and do some confirmations. And you just can't say no to a temple worker! lol. So I said sure thing, and went along with it. It was really great being able to spend some time in the temple just sitting there for a while, and being able to serve there one more time before I get married this upcoming week.

David arrived today, and it was nice to have a day just with one new addition to the group and spend time with him individually. Tomorrow is my last fairly simple day. After that it's Christmas. Family will really start arriving then, and I'm spending part of the day with Michael's family. I feel like I'm supposed to be spending as much time with my family as possible. But I'm also supposed to be spending some time with the future in-laws. It's a hard line to draw. Monday we need to get some last minute shopping in as well as dip all the hundreds of cake balls and oreo truffles we've made in the past couple weeks (boy am I so sick of making those!). And Tuesday we'll be decorating the church as well as picking various people up from the airport throughout the day before we drive up to San Antonio for the night. I still don't know how my hair is getting done. And I don't have an official "cake" to cut.
Most of the time I'm not stressed. But let's face it, that's really because I'm not thinking about what all needs to be done. I'm procrastinating and flaking on multiple accounts. Needless to say, I'm anxious to get married to Michael already and have atleast a few days to relax before a whole new round of stresses begin.

Two Weeks

Well, I have reached a point in my life where most of my conversations start with "Congratulations!" lol. I was telling my mother the other day that I'm going to be hearing that sentiment for a very long time. Let's be honest, people treat you like you just got married yesterday until you've been married for atleast a year, so I have atleast the next year to look forward to hearing "Congratulations!" lol. Not that I'm complaining, it was just a thought at the moment that spurred a conversation.

Everyone asks me how the wedding plans are going... I never really know what to say. Does anyone really want to know how many hundreds of cake balls we've made? Or how many hundreds more there are that still need to be made? lol. It's hard for me to work on something like this. Everyone who knows me well knows that I'm not much of an academic. I get things done the night before most of the time. I procrastinate. I flake. I forget. I let things slide. And it's against my own personal policy to stress. And I'm not the biggest fan of following schedules. I like making schedules, but then I like getting things done as it suits my fancy. So I don't have a big long list of things I'm going to do tomorrow necessarily, or this week, or what have you. There are things I have written down somewhere that I know need to get done. But that's about it.

I get anxious, and a little nervous. I'm definitely anxious for Michael to get home... and I'm definitely ready for all the planning to be over. I'm a doer. I like getting things done much more than I like thinking about them. I'd rather set up the whole thing in the gym, decorations and all several times than talk about them even once.

Planning a wedding certainly tells you a lot about yourself, your family, and it gives other people the chance to get to know a different side of you! I've got my first interview this Wednesday. I've got my Bridal Shower next Tuesday, and Christmas that Sunday and then my wedding the following Wednesday. Crazy, huh?

Funnily enough, part of me is aware that once school starts, there will be some part of me that wishes I was back at home still just planning a wedding. But I'm pretty sure the majority of me, will just be glad to be married, and to be with Michael.

No more waiting.
For a while that is.

Privacy

I've never had a problem growing up getting privacy. As a child my siblings didn't really want a whole lot to do with me. I was the admittedly irritating little sister. When I got older it was merely a matter of mutual respect. Everyone allowed everyone else privacy, knowing that they wanted that same privacy in return. You knew that if their door was shut you didn't go in without knocking. And if their door was locked and they weren't there, you left it alone. Even having roommates in college, obviously it's not the same amount of privacy, but you know not to go through the other person's stuff, or in a lot of environments, you don't even cross over to their side of the room.

Where I'm living now, it's like I'm not allowed to have privacy. Which is weird, because I'm paying extra for a private room. But my roommate who owns the place thinks she can tell me to clean my room, or that she can move my things around, or enter my room when I'm not home. I started locking my door this week to hint that I'd prefer no one go in my room, and yet I come home to discover that she decided to unlock my door so she could get in my room. Why anyone would think that was okay, eludes me entirely. I wish there was some reasoning with her so that the next person to move in wouldn't have to deal with it... but no matter what you say, her comeback is "Well, it's my house so I can do or expect whatever I want."

Tomorrow I will have only a week left in this house. I'll spend the next month or so at home with my parents, before I get married. Then I will have a brand new roommate, that I like SO much more. And he respects me! And loves me! What a bonus is that!?

Upcoming Events

So I've been reminded that I haven't written in my blog in a while, so here I am once again to update everyone on the latest happenings. This morning I registered for next semester's classes. The benefit of having loads of credits is that I get to register like a week before the majority of the population. Most of the classes I registered for are really designed for sophomores, so only one or two other spots had actually been filled in any of them since sophomores can't register for a few more days. My latest class ends at 1:45, so I'll be able to keep working at the call center I've been working at this semester. And on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I only have one class (although it has both a lecture and lab period) but it means that I can definitely use those days to do homework for my MWF classes. Other than my Biology class, all of my classes are in the Ricks building. So this semester, the Ricks will be my home. Up the hill I go!

These are the classes I'm signed up for:
Human Biology
Social Science Statistics
General Psychology
Introduction to Sociology
Introduction to Social Work

I think you probably get the idea of what I'm considering majoring in... I can't officially declare Social Work as my major until after I complete these classes and apply to the program. So after this semester I'll be crossing my fingers that I get into the program. In addition to doing well in the above classes, I have to write like a three page autobiography, and have three recommendations. We'll see how all of that goes!

Also today, I ordered the invitations! Now I need to get busy on printing the inserts... I bought the paper for them a while back, so I can atleast say that I have that taken care of for now. And I think I've gotten to the point where I don't really care about my wedding dress anymore... ha. I believe I will order it online this week. I need to get on it soon though.

Also happening today, I have an appointment with my doctor for a premarital exam to discuss birth control and other such things. What a party, I know. Although I'm also also getting some bloodwork done in the same appointment just to kill of two birds with one stone. I've got a bloodwork sheet to see how my thyroid is doing, and then I also have to get a TB test. Since I went to China (oh so long ago), the university is requiring that I get a TB test done before I begin classes or it'll lock me out of the system. Dumb! They should have asked how recently we had left the country, not "had we ever" ... yes? I think so!

Anyway, that is the summary of Emily's life.
2 weeks until I leave Rexburg
3 weeks after I get home, Michael arrives
1.5 weeks after that, we get married.
(49 days in all!)

Preparation

Michael and I bought a mattress this week! Box spring and frame included. There was a good sale going on and we decided that it would be best not to miss it and that we ought to buy it now rather than later. So for right now, it's taking up all the wall space on one side of my room lol.

Tell you what, we are certainly beginning to realize how expensive life can be! With school and rent and insurance! Not to mention everything else! lol. But if we both have a part time job we think it will work out fine. We might need a nudge of help just to start off with the immediate lump sums that are soon approaching, but we'll be self sufficient.

We're on the waiting list for atleast one married housing complex now, and we have plans to do some shopping/registering this Friday. I'm hoping to get engagement pictures done ASAP so I can have them... for one... order invitations for two... and post pictures on Facebook for three.

The other main thing I need to make some progress on is Wedding Dress shopping... but I feel pretty lost and alone on that subject! Same with what to do with my hair or how to make my reception beautiful and unique lol. Yay for life. Two more months until home and it truly consumes my life! haha

Meant to Be

I haven't known where I was supposed to be. I ended up deciding on Rexburg because it was practical, and because it had some pros riding along with it... like it being the place where Michael will be this semester. Really though, I haven't felt very comfortable in my own skin. I haven't felt for certain that this was really where I was supposed to be. Going to Kenya still weighs heavily on my mind and I feel such a strong pull to go.

But for now at least... I can tell you that Rexburg is where I need to be. I can't really explain it to you. It's been a collective of small things. Things like the fact that my ward here is the Rexburg YSA 2nd ward.... and my home ward in Texas used to be the Austin 2nd ward before its name changed. I know it seems silly, but it seems like a small little message to me that for now this can be home.

I don't know how long I'm supposed to be here... I don't know how long this is supposed to be home. Part of me still feels like I'll find a job, save up some money, and still find a way to get to Kenya this semester. I feel like my whole life revolves around finding a way to get myself to Kenya. I wish I could explain it.

I just have this image in my mind of that orphanage I was accepted to volunteer at... and the children there. I love them already and I haven't even met them yet.

Roommates

My roommate Courtney gave me an idea today. She did this unknowingly, but that's besides the point. On the fridge, she has made a list of all the roommates she's had in the last year. It's a pretty impressive list for only one year, I must admit. But I decided that making a list wasn't a bad idea. Especially taking my memory into account. It'd be a sad day if I forgot any... even the ones I'd prefer to forget! ;)

List of Roommates (Italicized ones I had for multiple semesters)

Amy - my Texan buddy

Dana - Quirky Virginian

Lyndsey - Nightmare!

Ariel - The peacemaker

Rebecca - Left a week later

Marianne - Always sleepy, or always gone

Jacqueline - Paranoid but friendly

Brittney - Funny and engaged! 

Ann - My London and Jerusalem lover

Kelsey - Sassy and lovely!

Colby - My honorary roommate!

Lauren - Late night security gone sk8r ;)

Cambria - Always gone with a boy

Rachel - Boy crazy... GONE crazy

Hayley - Waiting for a missionary

Karissa - Nice BUTT Lady! 

Krystal - No germophobe here; always calmed me down

Krysta - A young swing dancer

Jennie - Let's clean them dishes!

Rebecca - Wild and out of control! (In a good way!)

Brynn - Looking for a boy

Courtney - my Charmed companion

Megan - The hip English teacher

Rexburg

I'm back in Rexburg. Have been for a few days now. Went on a boating/camping trip with my new ward this weekend and it was really fun. I think it will prove to be a good ward. Certainly different than any other singles ward I've been to in Idaho, but it'll be good. I already have a nickname: "Del Taco" or "Taco Time" depending on who you ask. There's a girl in the ward named Kaitlyn, and everyone thinks we look like twins. Most people in the ward spent most of the weekend trying to tell the two of us apart. And her nickname is Taco Bell, so of course my nickname had to be related.

I'm different now than I used to be. I don't know if anyone really sees it. But something just clicked in me. I can't stop thinking about Kenya. Every time I see one of those ads about starving African children, I can't help but wish I was there. The feeling reminds me of colorguard... but stronger. Once you join colorguard, it's always in your blood. Always. You see an object and you size it up... and you wonder where it's center of balance is. Where would be the best place for you to place your hand to begin spinning it. Doesn't matter if it's a flag, a rifle, a sabre, or a broom stick. It's there. You want to spin things. It's in your heart. Always. Even if you let it go, as something you do all the time... it's still there in the heart. It changes you. And wanting to go to Kenya changed me. I can't explain it really. But I really do want to go.

I'm sitting here in Rexburg, and I'm so glad to be back. Rexburg has come to feel like home to me. I am home when I come to Rexburg. I realize that especially now that I've spent a summer in Provo. Somewhere that was neither Texas, or Idaho. It wasn't home. I enjoyed my time in Provo, don't get me wrong... but it will never feel like home the way Austin and Rexburg do to me.

And yet, even while I'm here--home--in Rexburg... something still isn't sitting right. I'll feel better once Michael gets here I know. But part of me still wants to know if I'm really meant to be here in Rexburg right now. I can tell my whole heart's not in it right now. And maybe that will change once Michael gets here, and I get a job, and begin to get into the habits of every day living again... but maybe it won't until I'm able to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. I really only have two things on my mind. And one of them, is Kenya.

A Selfish Time

Living in student wards, something you hear a lot from people is how hard it is to be selfless and to devote time to serving others... Because your single years are "a pretty selfish time" while you're working on getting an education for yourself and find a spouse and whatever else single people think will some day make their life be better. But I could not disagree more.

I understand the concept that when you get married you are tied down a little more and restricted in the kind of adventures you can have, at least for while. And I understand the concept of making sure to live your life to the fullest so you won't have regrets when you get married. And maybe there's a thin line between living out your dreams for the here and now, and being selfish... But like I said... it's vague and thin line.

Saying that the stage of life you are currently in requires you to be selfish is in my opinion purely an excuse. And getting in the habit of making such an excuse will only enable you to further the habit the rest of your life. It means you view serving as some kind of burden, when really... the idea of service should not be a burden at all. It should be a part of who you are. What would this world be like, if we all could drop what we were doing when someone needed our service to them?

Charity brings forth service and service brings people closer in a way that you could never understand if charity and service weren't part of your very nature. Understanding what service can do for a relationship will allow your heart to yearn for the very opportunity to serve.

I want so badly to forget myself; to lose myself in a work greater than myself and to build relationships through service. I simply cannot get my desire to go to Kenya out of my mind. I find myself devising more and more possible plans to make it happen. I want to go so badly it makes me want to cry. And I don't think anyone understands that, or even why I want and possibly need to go.

I've battled this question of selfishness. Would it be selfish of me to go to Kenya? But at the same time, my mind says... how could it be? Is it not a righteous desire, to want to give my life in service of a people in need, for as long as I can afford to be there? One of my friends asked me recently... If I don't go to Kenya... is it something I will look back on, and forever regret? And honestly, I think the answer is yes.

I'm fully aware that not everyone can devote the resources or time to give their life to service on a long term basis... but in the end it's all about making service part of who you are. It's about wanting to serve. It's about being willing to devote time to service. It doesn't matter what stage of life you are in. There is no such things as "a selfish time in life." I don't understand how anyone could ever think that our Heavenly Father had it in his plan for us to take a break from being charitable. We're supposed to be growing to be like him all the time. Obviously, we should always be doing our best. And our best may change depending on our present circumstances, and how self reliant we are or how mentally stable we are... but the perspective I think we should all have... is a goal to do our best, all the time to serve, to love, and put others before our own problems.

Return to Rexburg

The past couple months I've spent a lot of time dwelling on whether or not I wanted to finish a four year degree, and whether or not I'm supposed to be a teacher. I have a lot of talents that mold well to the role of being a teacher but that doesn't necessarily mean that teaching is the career I'm meant to have. I spent a lot of time dwelling on the many possibilities I could choose or look into as a possible major... and how long each major would take to complete. I'm not one for academics, so my first strategy was to choose the first major I found that I could complete in the fewest amount of semesters. However, I then stumbled across a tool on BYU Idaho's website that gave a description of the interests and values found in each major. And all of the majors I had been considering were all of a sudden thrown out the window because I held none of the interests or values that seemed to be attributed to them.


I stumbled across some new possibilities... but I haven't decided yet if I entirely feel like they match what I feel I should be doing with my life. So I probably won't bring up any specifics until I feel more confident in what I'm going to do... but for now I feel peace on that search.


Besides that, my other main struggle has been deciding where I wanted to live in the Fall. My schedule of flip--flopping has gone between Texas, Provo, Logan, Idaho Falls, Rexburg, and Kenya. I got so excited at the prospect of going to Kenya, but for now atleast it isn't meant to be. But I also think that the process taught me some things about myself. So desiring to go was still a worthwhile endeavor. After ruling Kenya out of my list of options, everything else seemed to dull in comparison.


But I finally decided about a week ago that I wanted to return to Rexburg. Finding housing seemed daunting. Because I haven't been accepted back to BYU Idaho, I can't live in student housing and most community in Rexburg is reserved for married folk which makes the monthly price average around $500 a month... which for a single person is way too expensive! But through much searching I found a place that I'm pretty sure I will be able to afford. I texted the owner just yesterday and told her I'd take it! Only thing is, I won't have any roommates. So I'll have to have lots of external friends, or I won't have much of a social life!


My contract ends on the 12th so I'll probably leave either that day or the day before and either go straight to Rexburg or hang out for a little while in Logan. The fall semester I plan on just working. The winter semester I hope to move back into student housing and start back up with school again. Anyway, there's your basic summar of what's going on with Emily. My major life crises have been put at bay for the time being and I'm just crossing my little fingers that I'll find a job within my first week or two in Rexburg. Otherwise, I'm not sure where I'd go from there!


Here's hoping.
I'm excited to be in Rexburg again. I've always felt at home there.

Cherish Every Moment

We all need a past - that's where our sense of identity comes from.

Penelope Lively


Getting to know someone else involves curiosity about where they have come from, who they are.

Penelope Lively

I believe in asking questions. Some may say that I'm overly inquisitive. Some may say that I'm excessively observant. But to me, it's all part of making people a part of my life. If I truly care, then I want to remember everything. It's part of cherishing every moment of my life, of my time with individuals. Because I never know when the day will come, that I won't be near you. And for as long as I can, I want to be able to remember how you get up in the morning, or how you walk, or how you put on your shoes, or how you smile when you step outside into the sunlight, and how you expressed your love for me in even the simplest of ways.

I've never been good at getting to know new people during social outings because the trouble is that I simply don't care. Which probably sounds bad, but I'm not actually curious about where they have travelled, or what experiences that have had in life. I feel hollow when I do ask, so I refrain from asking so as to remain true to myself. Which probably gives people the impression that I am either stand off-ish, conceited, or shy. But I also believe the opinions of others only matter when we let them influence our opinions of ourselves.

I'll never understand people trying to forget where they've been, or who they've been with. I understand that sometimes we have to distance ourselves from some memories in order to heal or change... But I hope never to forget any person I've loved, or any experience that helped me be who I am now. And I don't believe anyone should. We can only be ashamed of our past if we did not learn something from it that made us better today.

And I believe that we should be willing to answer any question to an inquirer that is truly asking because they are curious about who we are. Because we should allow others the opportunity to cherish every moment with us, just as we are holding onto our memories of them.

Live every moment--every relationship in the here and now. Never hold on to anything that inhibits you from progressing.

Around the World

The last couple weeks, I have wanted to travel. I think this is something that a lot of people think they want at some point in their lives, and yet most people live their whole lives without even leaving the country they were raised in. Some people travel because they have the time, and the money. They travel for pleasure. See the sights, and leave. That has never appealed to me.

I left the country once in high school. Went to China. And all we really did, was see the sights. And I can't remember much about the trip because of it. Everyone knows I like to take pictures. You'd think I would be in to seeing the sights and taking pictures of everything. But I'm not. I'll do just about anything for a picture. But you know why that is? It's because I believe in making memories. And I believing in keeping those memories once they've been made.

I don't think anyone should go anywhere without a specific purpose in mind. I don't go to church just to go... I go with the purpose in mind of being uplifted and learning something I didn't know, or on a deeper level than I did before. I go to school to learn things and to apply those things to my own life so that I can use that knowledge for the benefit of someone else.

The past couple weeks, I decided I wanted to leave the country. In trying to decide where I would go, I asked myself where I thought I might do the most good. I didn't want to go somewhere just to go there, for the sake of being able to say "I've been to Ireland" or anything like that. The thought was not appealing in the least. Instead, I placed my thoughts and energies on the country of Kenya.

I can see myself there. I can see myself working in the orphanage I was accepted to volunteer in. The thought of devoting myself to serve the people of Kenya fills my soul and makes me want to cry with joy. My heart yearns to serve.

This is what I mean by having a purpose. Why go anywhere if you are not going to immerse yourself in something that will allow that country to touch you and become a part of who you are? Why do anything if it isn't to improve the life of someone else?

Anyway, those are my thoughts on traveling the world. Right now it appears that venture is slightly impractical and doesn't work well with the budget... but the notion still fills my thoughts and my hopes.
And I still desperately want to go.

I hope everyone has the chance to go somewhere and touch lives, and that your life will be forever touched as well.

Purpose

Three months before my Grandmother died on my father's side, I sent her a brief email inviting her to my blog. I had recently gained a testimony of family. I knew it wouldn't just be my mother and father and my siblings, or even my nephews and nieces that would join me in eternity. I knew I had not been the best at keeping up connections with my extended family. I wanted to be a peacemaker. I wanted to be the one that would bring my family back together. I wanted the chance to be a part of their lives. I realized that I loved them, without knowing them. And how great would eternity be with them, if I had spent my mortal life building relationships with them and growing to love them for more than our blood connection?

This was my grandmother's response:
I'll be curious as to what you think people will gain from reading your blog.  I've considered doing a blog, and have thought I might share my knowledge about teaching reading; but I've come to the conclusion that what I might think is valuable doesn't really resonate with the public. But, I support your effort to communicate.    Grandma Capps

Perhaps for those of you that did not  know my Grandmother, that will give you some sense of the woman that she was. I tried to email her back explaining my purpose, but besides a copy of a story she had written, this was the last thing she said or wrote to me before she died. It took some time before I felt any emotion about her passing. I spent one sleepless night, crying, fearing that because she was not sealed to me, I would never see her again. I would never have the chance to know my Grandmother. I would never have the chance to build a relationship with her. She would never know me. Light came in the middle of the night when I realized that in a year I would be able to do her work. She could be sealed to me. I could still be the peacemaker that would aid in bringing my family back together.  I haven't had the chance yet to make this happen. My Grandmother was a stubborn woman, and will need time for her heart to soften and accept the work I wish to begin. The rest of my family too needs time for their hearts to be ready to give me the permission I need.

The reason this is on my mind, is because I wondered the other day what were the last words my Grandmother sent to me; what record there was of our relationship. The reason why I'm sharing it with you, is because there are two things that stuck out to me upon reading her email this week.

The first was the following sentiment: "I'll be curious as to what you think people will gain from reading your blog." When I first responded to this, I told her that I didn't really have a purpose, but to keep people updated on my life. I suppose this signifies my youth at the time. My blog was more for me than for anyone else. Self centered. Not a tool. Not a resource. But for me, and about me. I didn't have a purpose. My life did not yet have a purpose either. So the last week I have wondered, what is my purpose? What purpose should I give to my life and my interactions with others? I am reminded of a phrase;
Christ doesn't just make up the difference. He makes all the difference.

Our lives should be centered on Christ. In our homes, in our schools, in our minds, in our vocations. How can my skills and my relationships be used to glorify God?

"The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal things we have to place on God's altar." Elder Neal A. Maxwell

I have felt this week that I am becoming ready to give my will. I have always been a self sacrificing person. I have always been able to put others before myself. I have always been able to love. But doing good things is different than doing things for the Lord. Serving others is not the same as serving people with a mind open to the idea that you are serving a child of God. Good, better, best kind of thing... if that makes any sense. I don't want to be good just for myself anymore. I want to be good for the Lord. I want to be an instrument he can use, and not just a mere tool. I want to be His.

The other thing that stuck out to me from my Grandmother's email was this: But, I support your effort to communicate. At first when I read that I don't really take it all that well. It makes my effort feel slightly underclassed. Like "Your attempt was a fail, but good try." But upon further thought... I am reminded of an audio track that was included in her journal that she gave to all her kids and grandkids. One of the things she said was "I hope our family does not disintrigrate" ... "and will keep in touch with eachother and rely on eachother in times of hardship" And I think she realized that my inviting her to my blog was an attempt on my part to fulfill her last wishes in her journal.

I don't know how to express what this makes me think or feel into words, but hopefully you are able to grasp some ounce of what it means to me that my Grandmother acknowledged that I wanted to communicate with her and have some sort of relationship... that I didn't want our family to disintigrate either.

I wish I could have known her and learned from her more. I wish she had been someone I could have asked questions about her life and her opinions and wisdom. Learned about her purpose as an agnostic and a teacher. Hearing her in that audio track as she describes her beliefs and that she does not believe she will see us again... I know I must live my life with purpose. I know I must live my life for Christ. I know I must be a frequenter of the temple. I know I want to bring people to the truth. I know hope exists. Just as I know my grandmother appreciated my effort to communicate, I know our Heavenly Father appreciates our communications to him through prayer.

I know the atonement is real. It is for me. It is for you. It is continuous. And it seals us all to Christ. And families are crucial. We can never forget the importance of the atonement and our families.

Hair Cut?

I need to get a haircut... simply said. But I've been thinking about what I should do with it. Ann the other day said in passing, that I should get bangs. And since then I've been thinking about it. There are a few factors that lead me to consider getting bangs:

1. I did have bangs when I was growing up and they were cute while I had them.
2. I have never wished to become like my father and keep the same haircut all my life.
3. I have considered getting bangs several times over the years.
4. My sisters and I have similar face shapes, and they can all pull off bangs (I should be able to, right?).
5. I need to do something different with my hair.

But let's be honest... getting bangs is a scary moment in one's life! There's no turning back! Not for atleast a good couple years and you're likely to go through some odd hair years if/when you try to grow them out. At any rate... it's been something on my mind, and I thought I'd put it on the floor for thoughts!
Hope everyone's having a wonderful week!

Life in the Workplace

It is difficult to describe what my life is like now a days. I usually work 9 hours a day, 5 days a week and sometimes more. And "talking shop" seems a bit dull. But I really don't do much else with with my days. I usually sleep in, although I have thought about getting up earlier and perhaps working out a little bit in the mornings. Some days I watch a movie in the morning, or bum around. Occasionally something REALLY exciting happens... and I go grocery shopping. Some days I bike to work, and some days I get a ride with Ann when we are on the same shift.

While at work I sit at my computer and often twiddle my thumbs trying to think up things to do on the computer during the slow moments of the day and minutes pass by slowly in boredom. Sometimes the girls in the office chat but I have a hard time with that because part of me wishes I could make friends out of some of the girls, and so I want to share parts of my personal life... but part of me wants to keep my personal life more separate from the work environment so its not part of the drama that is our office. But how do you make friends, if you never share anything about yourself? And what if there's only a couple of girls in the office I feel comfortable sharing things with... but the whole office is listening to every conversation... at all times? No privacy. It's a conundrum.

Some of the reps can be fun to talk to on the phone and you occasionally get a real conversation out of it amidst the requests for the customer's personal and order information. Those can be fun phone calls, but I feel wary of flirting reps and feel nervous about walking a thin line between friendly professional conversation, and non professional interactions. I'm not looking for anything personal to happen with any sales reps right now... and I don't know that I ever could do that whether or not I had interests elsewhere. Although I do find entertainment in watching other girls in the office building relationships with sales reps over the phone.

Lately the highlights of my day are the moments when Michael gets online and we get to chat for a while during the slow moments of the day while I'm at work. But eventually he'll find a job, and those hours of our socializing will probably dwindle and we'll have to find a different time of day that works for us.

I've been looking for work in Rexburg. I'm still considering staying in Provo if I can keep the job I have right now and decide that I can do it for another 4 months. But I also think it would be simpler to just move to Rexburg. I'm ready to feel more stable. Which is partly why it's tempting to stay in Provo for another semester... and partly why I'd prefer to go to Rexburg and then just stay there. Lots of variables and reasons tie together to make up why I'd like to be in either place... but I do need to decide so I can find housing. It's just hard because most places that are hiring right now... want someone to start right now, not in 3 months. And moving anywhere without any kind of job security scares me a bit.

The only things I know right now, are that I need to broaden my horizons. I need to go to sources I wouldn't necessarily go to normally. I need to depend more on the Lord, and I need to have faith. But I also have to take actions toward the things I think are right, and toward the things I want right now; short term and long term goals.

Of Careers

My mom used to tell me that I was the light in people's eyes, and that I could fill a room with smiles... be a peacemaker. I could make anyone feel better no matter how sad they were. I had a reputation for always being happy. I always wanted a career I could use those skills in. I loved that those were my associated talents and I wanted to use them always. I could get people to open up to me, and it seemed like I always had sage advice to give. But slowly as I got older it felt like people were getting more sad, and their problems were getting bigger than I could solve with any amount of sage advice. I'm not sure anymore if I have those talents I was always acclaimed with, or if there's a career that is just right for me and those skills.

Maybe that's the real reason I have wanted to go into teaching. Smaller people, smaller faces to make smile.

Turning Tables

Original


VERSUS

Glee

Of Piano Men

My sister Kathy shared this on her facebook. Pretty sweet, I must say.

Institute

There isn't really an institute class I can go to here in Provo and it makes me kind of sad. I feel like I would benefit from going and could probably make some friends! But both of the Institutes around here are pretty far away and most of the classes don't mesh well with my work schedule anyway. Maybe there's an online class I could take somewhere instead so I'm atleast still getting the religion side of it in anyway.

Feels like this will be a long week. But hopefully a good one.

Love of Home

My experience growing up in Texas is something I believe to be unique, primarily because I grew up in Austin. I think people wonder why people in Texas seem to grow up with such a sense of pride for their state. And sometimes I wonder too. I never really felt like anyone was telling me to have pride for my state. Austin is the "Music Capital of the World" and it's the place where we're taught to "Keep Austin Weird" and where we make fun of Waco for trying to copy us with "Keep Waco Wacky." Austin is the home of the Texas state capitol building... which is 15ft taller than the United States Capitol building. Most notably of course, it is the home of The University of Texas, filled with phrases like "Go Longhorns!" and "We bleed orange!" Everyone's heard the normal Texas phrases of course, like "Everything's bigger in Texas" and everyone knows that Texas is the only state that's ever been a country, and it's also the only state who has it written in its constitution that they can succeed from the union and/or split itself into 4 different states. "Don't mess with Texas" and of course, our famous use of the world "ya'll" ... or "yawl" depending on how "cowboy" the citizen is or thinks he is. But I never really felt like those were the things that made me love Texas... except maybe with the exception of the word "ya'll" because I certainly do love that! Personally, one of my favorite things about Texas is the bluebonnets in spring.

In high school I returned to public school system and learned that all of a sudden we had a new pledge I'd never heard before: The Texas Pledge ... which goes a little something like this:

"Honor the Texas flag. I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas. One state under God, one and Indivisible"

I was so confused. I had no idea what people around me were saying or what I was supposed to be saying. And I thought it was utterly ridiculous to be pledging allegiance to a state. Most people now a days are lucky if they even live in one place for more than five years. Most people live in multiple states during their life time and barely think twice about it.  For a long time I refused to say the Texas pledge because I thought it was dumb. But it grows on you I suppose. And I think it was that pledge more than most things in my life that instilled in me a love for Texas. Just hearing it every day. Showing that we do respect our flag and our history and that it is a part of everyone who grows up in Texas. It made me feel like I was a part of something bigger. And I think that everyone should feel that way about something.

But you know what really did it? It was leaving Texas that taught me Texas pride. When I first came to Idaho, I encountered a lot of hate. And that's really what I have to call it. I was getting harassed on a weekly if not daily basis for being a Texan. I had to put up a front for Texas pride in order to shield myself from all the things people were saying to me. It was a survival mechanism. And I just didn't understand it. What gave anyone the right to bash on the place I grew up in? Where my family lived? Where my home was? People focused so much on where you were from. Left and right all around me there were comments like "Iowa, who lives in Iowa?"... and the list went on with North Dakota, Ohio, Nevada etc... and I noticed immediately that no one had any pride for their own state. And I thought that was the weirdest concept. You grow up somewhere... somewhere filled with memories of your family, your friends and your religion. How do you not feel some kind of love for where you're from? I never thought loving Texas would be a problem because I thought everyone loved their home state and everyone would understand my love for Texas because they could relate it to how much they loved Idaho or Montana or Michigan or what have you! And I don't see why they shouldn't love their home state as much as I love Texas! In that respect, I don't think Texas is any different from any other state! And if I raise my children somewhere besides Texas, which I feel I most likely will... I want them to have pride for whatever state they grow up in! With a little Texas pride thrown in for dear old mom!

When I got to Idaho, I wondered why everyone thought all the cowboys came from Texas... because I sure knew a whole lot more people who acted like what people expected "Texans" to act like while I was in Idaho than I ever did in Texas. I came to love Idaho quickly. I loved the cold weather. I loved the spirit I felt there. I loved seeing horses and cows and donkeys and llamas. I loved meeting people who actually went hunting and lived off the land. I loved how clean things were. I loved making memories with roommates and with Michael. I loved deciding with Michael that Idaho was where we wanted to raise our kids. I loved looking out my window and seeing the temple. It was in Idaho that I gained an appreciation for the American flag. I wondered how people from different states could feel so much animosity towards each other when we had all been saluting the American flags our whole lives. Aren't things people have in common supposed to unite them? Why had saluting the American flag not taught us all to be united? It was Idaho that got me through a long two year struggle of waiting for Michael on his mission. It was Idaho that was always inspiring me to be better...

Utah is first and foremost, the place where my parents met. It's the place my family went to for the rare and precious visits to see my Grandma and Grandpa Fish. I have always felt I had deep roots in Utah, even though I never had the chance like my siblings to spend much time there--I've always loved coming back. Utah to me, is the land of the red earth and the snow. Utah is the home of the most beautiful mountains... It's the land of the evergreens I've always loved so much. It's the land where nearly every plant has a smell you can remember it by. It's the land of the plush green wonderful grass I have ALWAYS been jealous of, living in Texas. Because while Texas grass is good for making sounds with between your hands... it'll never compare to the feeling of Utah's grass slipping between your toes. Being in Utah so far has taught me how to better understand and appreciate the grid system, because while it doesn't necessarily keep me from getting lost, it does help when I'm trying to get un-lost. Utah reminds me of home, because I see diversity. I walk down the street and see people of every shape and color and size and fashion sense--members and nonmembers alike. And the thing I love most about being in Utah is knowing that I'm walking down streets of history. When I'm in Utah, I feel closer to the past of the church. I feel like everything really is true, because this is where it all happened. I just know that I have to believe, and that there is a reason why I believe on my Savior.

I love Texas. But I love it because it's my home. I love it because it's where my family is. I love Texas because that is where most of my memories are. I love Texas because it's where I found my love for the Gospel. So if you're from New York or Arizona, Washington or Florida you should love your home state just as much as I love Texas, for those reasons alone, if not more. And I think we should all respect each other for that love and for the reasons that love is founded on.

I believe that every place we ever step foot in is filled with a million reasons for us to love being there. I believe we should respect every reason why people love their homelands and even foreign lands. I believe we should love all people. I believe we should never judge a person for their passions. I believe we should feel more love for America than we do for our own states so that we can actually have that feeling of unity with all our peers no matter where they were born.

Telling the World

This, my friends, is my new favorite song. I think it's got something for everyone! Besides, the video really makes me want to see the movie Rio.

Untold History

I found out today that Osama Bin Laden is now dead upon declaration by President Barack Obama. I'm not really sure what my thoughts on the subject are, but I was told I should record the historic moment. So I will keep my comments at that and comment instead on a similar figure in our history.

I believe everyone here recalls the controversial figurehead of Iraq, Saddam Hussein. Americans were trained to hate him through every media reference we ever saw come over the internet, newspaper or television. And fair enough, he was notorious for terrorizing his own people, murdering millions, and torturing many more. However I'd like to offer an alternative perspective we might consider.

I once knew a woman named Gretel Bingham, daughter of Raoul Wallenberg, a famous Swedish humanitarian who saved tens of thousands of lives issuing passports to Jews and housing them during the Holocaust. If you look into the history of this honored man, you will find no record of him having a daughter. Gretel Bingham was born and raised in Sweden while her father was hiding under ground and no record was made. When she was just seven years old she was sent off with all the other children in a large ship in order to keep them safe during this time of war. The ship was torpedoed and all of Gretel's documents were lost. Holding on to floating pieces of wreckage she was saved by a passing ship some time later and given passage to Portugal where she was adopted by a family there. I will not go into the long and detailed story of her life or how she came to the United States or how I made her acquaintance because that is a subject for a very long novel I haven't the expertise to write. However...during the long span of her life she spent time in Iraq and worked for Saddam Hussein in his palace. I have strong memories of Gretel ranting about American tabloids and the injustice done to his name. I had a hard time understanding her at the time because it seemed very clear to me that he was a bad man. But I believe I have come to understand a little better now. Saddam Hussein was kind to Gretel. She described him as a gracious, kind man with a wonderful family and a beautiful palace. She was absolutely enthralled with his sons and never saw anything but the characteristics of a good and firm leader when she saw the figure of Saddam Hussein.

I suppose our first reaction is to question her awareness of the many things he did while leading his country, but I believe Gretel had a point. Saddam Hussein may have been a bad leader, but no one on this earth is devoid of good qualities. My mother once told me something that taught me a great lesson. A person is not what their actions suggest. You can hate their characteristics, or their personality, or their actions, but you cannot hate any individual. Because as an individual on this earth, they are a son or daughter of God. That is who they are even if they don't know it, or seem miles away from that beautiful potential. But as a son or daughter of God we all have come to this life with the light of Christ.

Matthew 7:11

....If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Saddam Hussein was a man just like any of the rest of us. And I'm sure he knew how to give good gifts. He knew how to be a leader. He knew how to love. He had the light of Christ. I believe this is a part of history untold. How fitting that it would come from Gretel Bingham, a woman who's history has no documentation--whose story will not be recorded in history.

Let this story be an example of the wide difference our choices can make. Our actions may not go down in history. Most of the choices we make in any given day are unknown to anyone but ourselves. But God knows. How different could the lives of Saddam Hussein or Osama Bin Laden have been had they known their potential; had they known how to magnify that light of Christ instead of hiding it beneath the bushel of dictatorship or terrorism? How different can our lives be if we choose to magnify and testify of our knowledge of Christ, instead of glorifying the power of man?

Love God. Love your heritage. Testify always.

May First

Happy Half Birthday to me!

Prayer

My first semester at BYU Idaho, one of my roommates was taking a religion class. In that class they were given a handful of challenges that they could pick from to endeavor. The one she chose was on prayer. Her teacher challenged them to make the subject of their morning prayer be on Gratitude and Gratitude alone for 15 minutes every morning for two weeks. She mentioned once the growth she felt from this and how difficult it seemed at first to think of 15 minutes worth of things to be grateful for... but by the end of those two weeks she didn't want to stop. Fifteen minutes would come and she couldn't stop thinking of things the Lord had blessed her with. Fifteen minutes was no longer enough time for her to express that gratitude.

This notion intrigued me early on. Now I know, you probably think it's a little weird to time your prayers, and I agree. Which is why I wouldn't say that this is a practice that should be regularly enforced... but I believe it is a good learning exercise. I took this challenge on that first semester and I felt closer to God by the end of those two weeks than I had ever felt in my life (to my recall). My burdens felt lighter.

Michael spoke of prayer in his most recent email. He described a woman who felt her burdens were too heavy to spend time praying for other people--that she needed to focus on praying for her own problems. Michael explained that while he understands the feeling, that he feels more blessed when he prays for others than when he has prayed for himself alone. This has always been an odd concept to me because most days I only pray for others, and rarely pray about anything to do with myself. And while I believe this is one of my strengths, I believe that we should find some balance.

I do not go to my Heavenly Father about my life and my struggles enough. Because I pray so much for others, and put their needs before my own, I am more apt to discredit my own problems rather than go to the Lord for aid and direction.

The challenge of having my morning prayers pay homage to the many things God has provided me with and how he has blessed my life helped me to connect with my Heavenly Father in such a way that I felt of His love for me. I was able to feel that my Heavenly Father truly loved me and that I could go to him with any need--my needs, not just the needs of others. It also helped me establish a habit of daily morning prayer at the time.

I think this is a challenge I'd like to endeavor to participate in again. I remember the spirit of gratitude that dwelt in my heart that semester... and I would so love to invite it back into my life as well as the testimony of my Father's love for me.

~~~

I suggest reading Mormon 9:13-37
But specifically... I suggest Mormon 9:20,31

The Hunt

Every day I get on the computer.
And every day I fill out a few more applications
And look for a few more...
And I'm so sick of looking for jobs.
Sigh.

Been at Kathy's for about a week and a half now, and I've got a little more than half a week more here before I go to Provo. There's still time of course to find jobs, and I'm sure I'll continue the process of looking for and filling out more and more applications. Although I've kind of hit a point where I feel like the only jobs left, are the ones that only accept paper applications, which means actually being in Provo. I'll keep praying though.

My dear friend and roommate Ann has begun planning thoughts of decorations for our room, which makes me very "nesty" as Kathy would say. Especially with Michael coming home so soon now. I want to go buy things for a home! Decorations and knickknacks! I looooove knickknacks! haha.

I know. I'm ridiculous.

Kokopelli!
Glass figurines!
Fish!
Rubber Duckies!
Kangaroos!

An Associates Degree

I just took my last final. If I wanted to, I could say I was done. I could declare that I never have to take another test again in the secular setting. Tomorrow, I will graduate BYU-Idaho with my Associates Degree. But I certainly don't feel done. I feel a pulling at my heart, that I feel will some day lead me back to this place. I've had friends and memories in this cold dank place that warms my soul and brightens my face. And I don't feel done. I know there is something coming. I know there are things for me to do. I know there are things for me to learn. There are people out there, that need me in their life... and if I stopped growing and developing right now--as a person and as a citizen, and as a Daughter of God--I would not be ready to meet the needs of those individuals.

So tomorrow, I will get my Associates. But I will not be done. My education will not be over--nor I hope, will it ever be.

Tomorrow I will leave this city of Rexburg, hopefully to face new challenges in the coming months. But I hope to come back to this city of love and learning.

Tomorrow I will say good bye to good friends. But I hope to see many of them again.

Tomorrow I will pack up my things and see an empty home. But I will take my things, and make a new home.

Tomorrow I will leave the Lord's University. But I will not leave the Lord.

Tomorrow I will be one step closer to being who I want to be. But I won't have reached my potential yet.

Tomorrow I will get my Associates. But I certainly will not be done.

Fears

I miss Michael. I need Michael to come home. I need to come to peace about the life I've lived the past two years. I need to be more patient. I need to be more understanding. I need to be more confident. I need to be more independent. I need to be more humble. I need to love. I need to be loved. I need to not feel so alone.

Service and Friendship

"I have wept in the night for the shortness of sight that to somebody's need made me blind; But I never have yet felt a tinge of regret for being a little to kind
--Unknown"

So many times I've been told that I'm too nice. I don't understand that idea and I feel confident that the Savior would not agree with this idea either. I think the problem that people see with being too nice, is that you will be taken advantage of... And I will acknowledge that possibility, but I believe, ideally we can follow the model the Savior has given in this principle.

It is true that the Lord gives us an eternal amount of second chances. We can repent, and his arms will forever be stretched out still. The key difference thing to remember is that he has taught us how to behave and how to return to him. In our own lives, we have the same ability to "teach" those around us what we expect from them... Whether it's doing the dishes, or putting the toilet seat down. If they don't meet our expectations, that doesn't mean that we get upset or give up on them. It means we continue to serve and love them even if they never return with the actions of respect or love that we desire.

I've heard so many people say that the Lord does not expect us to do this. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" kind of thinking that teaches us not to trust those who have messed up. The idea being that if we trust someone who has betrayed us in the past, we are setting ourselves up and people will take advantage of us. But I believe the notion of being "taken advantage" can only apply if you are ignorant of the situation. If you are choosing to serve unconditionally, you can never be "taken advantage of" because you are giving that service willingly. In that sense, it is all dependent on how you think about it. And I believe that willingly serving those who may take advantage of us, gives us a power through strengthening us in patience and love, while dissolving any negative feelings we may have. To refuse service because of some maleficent or unappreciated deed is immature, and more harmful to you, than it will ever be to the actor of that deed.

"Kindness, love, patience, understanding, and unity will increase as we serve, while intolerance, jealousy, envy, greed, and selfishness decrease or disappear. The more we give of ourselves, the more our capacity to serve, understand, and love will grow."
--Carlos H. Amado, "Service, a Divine Quality"

"The Savior will let you feel the love He feels for those you serve. The call is an invitation to become like Him."
--Elder Henry B. Eyring

In my life, I feel a great responsibility to touch and influence the lives of those around me for good. I have a constant fear that the people who cross my life will do just that.. "cross my path." I may only have a short amount of time with any one person that enters my life. I might not have a lifetime of friendship to love and cherish them and to be there for them in all their needs. And to be honest, that scares me. One of the greatest talents I possess is my ability to make strong friendships, especially in times of need. I hold myself to high expectations of "what a friend is." Sometimes I fear that makes me only a successful "bad weather friend." I have seen the Lord put people in my life that needed me. And I have also seen many friendships dissolve when the trial was over. "Our paths cross" ... but do not seem to stay on the same path for very long. Sometimes I resent this. It is in trial that I have seen myself grow closest to friends in my life. To watch such a powerful friendship dissolve afterwards, is awful.

Trials are extremely powerful things that lead to a plethora of opportunities. It is in trial that we have that opportunity to grow closer to our Savior and our King.

At the same time, I deeply appreciate knowing that I can be an instrument in the Lord's hands. I feel such gratitude for the opportunities I have had to get to know so many wonderful and precious Children of God. I love them. And I know the Lord will allow me a few kindred spirits that I can save as my closest friends for my entire life. I cherish the opportunities I have to learn and grow from them and to love them for a life time. I pray regularly for the blessing that my most cherished friends will spend more time in my life than just to "cross my path."

"We become more substantive as we serve others--indeed, it is easier to 'find' ourselves because there is so much more of us to find!"
Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, 85-86)

If there is anything in the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I have a testimony of, it is service. I hope and pray with all my heart to be in tune to the needs of those around me. I pray for the spirit to guide and direct my words and my actions. I want nothing more in life than to know that I have spent a life time in the service of my God and my fellow man.

I have such a strong capacity to love that I yearn to feel more love for those around me. And the best way I know to find that is to serve. I want a life of service. It is in service that I learn the most about the characteristics of my Savior and that I yearn to be more like him. It is in service that I grow. I find myself. And I find an unending well of possibility that I can continue to find as I perfect my ability to serve and love unconditionally and to see others through the eyes of Christ.

Hands like His

Today I went to the Salt Lake Temple with Ann. If there is anything to be remembered, it is the spirit of the pioneers that could be felt in that building. Sitting there it didn’t feel like there could possibly be anything much more important than sitting in that room, full of heritage, imagining those people… people like Brigham Young who had walked through those halls and had baptized the saints in the same font I was about to climb down into.

For whatever reason, the whole time I was there, I couldn’t stop thinking about our dear friend, Vanessa. For those of you who don’t know Vanessa… she was blind. Vanessa was one of the sweetest people you would ever have met and the most patient. She never let being blind inhibit her from doing anything she wanted to do. She died a few months ago. Every time we went to a temple with Vanessa, someone would take her by the elbow and guide her by the walls so she could feel the designs in the woodwork and admire the beauty of the temple through the feeling in her hands as someone described them to her to the best of their ability. I remember her being sad when we went to the San Antonio temple, because San Antonio’s beauty is in the art work and in the stained glass windows and not in the woodwork. It was hard for her to appreciate the beauty of that temple when she was used to the Houston temple. But she always kept in mind that she was in the Lord’s house, and that made it beautiful.

Salt Lake City Temple was very simple inside. Most of the woodwork was simple. But the parts that had designs were beautiful and ornate. Imagining some pioneer carpenter making them by hand was awe inspiring and added to the feeling of sacredness to the room. I also spent a lot of time admiring the oxen. Their faces and their eyes showed a sense of deep concern. I felt like their eyes were communicating the tragedy that so few people come to the temple… the tragedy that so many souls out there have yet to have that saving ordinance of baptism and be sealed to their families. Their eyes showed a Christ like love.

The whole time Ann and I sat in the baptismal room I thought of Vanessa and how she would have seen that room. After I felt like I had absorbed the room as much as I could visually, I closed my eyes and felt everything I could with my hands without trying to be obvious about it. It made me sad that Vanessa would not have been able to feel those oxen, as I was not able. How would someone have described the emotions in the eyes of those figures? Most things were simple as I said… but there was something very different about cutting off the perspective of eye sight and feeling things with my hands. I felt like the age of the building was seeping through my hands and telling me things my eyes could not. I still felt the spirit of the room, even when my eyes were closed. I knew Vanessa would have been able to feel the spirit in that room and feel its history as I was able, and I just knew she would have loved it. With all her heart.

I thought a lot about hands. I don’t think we think enough about hands. Hands are so sensitive and can feel so much. They can also do so much. Sitting in the temple, thinking of how Vanessa used her hands to see and not just feel, I thought to myself, that Vanessa probably understood hands so much better than anyone else. If we let him, the Lord’s hands can be working constantly in our lives, helping us to grow closer to him. I thought about our hands, and how like most seeing people, we don’t appreciate our hands as much as the blind. Our eyes blind us in a sense, if that makes any sense. If we let the spirit guide our hands, our actions… we too can grow sensitive like the blind when they read brail. We can act as the Lord’s hands in the lives of those around us, sensitive to their needs we can serve the Lord as we serve them. It’s a special part of the gift we have in being on this earth.

Cowboy Music from the Wild East

The first time I ever wanted to travel abroad was when I was just 9 years old. I went to a small private school located in a shopping center called "The Village." In that same plaza was a movie theater that showed a lot more classic, international, and independent and old school movies rather than the current out-coming movies. I had a science teacher that year whose name was Greg. He was by far one of the greatest science teachers I have had in my life and he will forever hold a special place in my heart and in the hearts of my two closest sisters who also had him.

One week a movie called Genghis Blues came into the theater and my science teacher came into possession of some free tickets. He asked kids in my class and their parents if any of us wanted to go to see this movie. He explained the basic premise of the movie. A blind blues singer named Paul Pena while listening to the radio one day happened upon a Russian short wave radio station and heard a group of Tuvan throat singers. Paul Pena became so fascinated with this form of singing that he later learned the Tuvan language, and self taught the Tuvan style of singing. Years later he traveled to the Republic of Tuva and won the Kargyraa portion of a National Throat Singing contest.

I don't really remember my thought process at my young age of 9 years... Maybe I just thought that if Greg wanted to see it, it was obviously worth seeing... but I decided to go see this movie.

I absolutely loved the movie and have wanted to see it again ever since. I have looked into buying the movie since then, but I only found it recently, and the DVD costs $25 so I have yet to deposit the money necessary to buy the film. In the moment I left that theater though, I knew that I would forever love the Tuvan people. I had never traveled anywhere, and I knew nothing of alternate lifestyles. I had never learned of anything more intriguing to me than of the Tuvan people and their style of throat singing. For years I studied the Tuvan language, and their culture and their food in my spare time. I attempted to teach myself how to perform the act of throat singing, but never truly mastered it (although one of my brothers did, as well as that beloved science teacher, Greg). I have of course, always been intensely jealous, not that I'd necessarily be inclined to admit that.

Every now and then I try to share my love for this people and their music with people I am friends with. I am most frequently met with mocking apprehension. It hurts. I'll be honest. I know they don't realize that I am attempting to share with them, something that I hold dear to my heart... but it does still hurt sometimes to see their faces as they mock the sounds that to me are some of the most beautiful sounds in the world.

I know that Tuva, the small Autonomous Republic, wedged between Siberia and Mongolia will forever be a place my heart longs to see. Even to this day, when I hear Tuvan singing, I long for the sights, and the smells, and the tastes of Tuva.



Can you honestly tell me after watching that... that you have ever seen or heard someone sing with more fervor or passion? I see it in their faces. I feel more love for a people I have never seen, listening to them, than I could ever explain. The closest description I have ever heard was when a dear friend of mine explained to me the feelings she had when hearing the Call to Prayer in Jerusalem... although I am sure our feelings are different.

I don't know that I will ever feel closer to the world than when I listen to Tuvan singers.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsVzm-rgS-w&feature=related

My Love for A Cockatiel

Camille is going to make it. But not with me. I cried last night... I couldn't go ten minutes without crying. Ann held me for a while and let me cry with her there, and talked to me a little about it. I needed her more than anything at that moment, and she was there for me. I prayed for strength to pull through this... And I prayed for Camille to have strength.

I finally fell asleep last night... and did not dream of Camille. I dreamed of other things. And every time I woke up my mind would start to wonder to thoughts of her, and I stopped myself because I sensed that it would be best if I did not think of her just then.

I finally woke up about 4:41 and my nose was too stuffy to breathe through, so I'd been breathing through my mouth and my throat was dry. So I went downstairs to get a glass of water and to take a Mucinex. I went up stairs and crawled back into bed and fell asleep once more.

This time, I dreamed of Camille. There was some kind of big event going on, and a big scary looking man came and took our parakeets and Camille. Said we didn't need them anymore. I kept looking for that man so I could get Camille back from him. When I finally found him, all he had was two grocery bags, one in each hand.... and I knew they were my birds. I don't remember the conversation we had but I think he was going to do something to them, and I didn't want that to happen... and he ended up agreeing with my alternative. He handed me the bag with the parakeets in it, and I threw it toward a pile of rocks. That way I knew their death was certain and they were not suffering any longer. He handed me the bag that had Camille in it and I just started crying. I lifted the bag up to my eyes to look for any sign of her body to see her just one last time... and poking out through the folds of a thin piece of cloth that she was wrapped in inside the bag, was her beak. I could see it moving and I shouted for joy. I pulled and tore at the bag as it opened and I pulled out Camille. Her beak opened in her biggest smile and she chirped for me. Her wings outstretched in the most glorious way possible and she looked magnificent. She looked beautiful and strong. And my heart was full of joy.

I awoke just then with a feeling of peace in my heart. I knew when I called Brenda this morning that there wouldn't be good news, but I just know that Camille is going to live. She will finish out her magnificent life with someone else... but I will see her again.

When I talked to Brenda, she said that Camille can barely walk. The vet thinks an organ has swelled against the nerves that go to her legs. Which most likely means her liver or her kidney. But she can still fly just fine, even if she cannot land. And that tells me, she has the strength to live. She will survive any surgery that vet gives to her. She will be wonderful, and I know that she will always remember me.

Brenda put the phone next to Camille so I could talk to her one last time. I heard her weak chirp. I admit I started crying, and I might cry several more times during the day... but I will be okay. Brenda's going to take a picture of her. I'm not sure I want to see her as she is now. I might not open the email, so I can remember her the way I always have.

I'm going to do something in honor of Camille. Whether it's make a pillow and embroider something on it just for her, or write a poem, or both.... But Camille deserves anything I can do. Anything and more.

Camille

 

Many of you have met my beloved bird, Camille. Well, she's pretty sick right now and I'm in Idaho so I can't even be with her during this time. There's a good chance I might lose her.

Pray for her, keep her in your thoughts. She deserves that.
I'm praying she will get better.

Temple Square

I want to go to Temple Square one day. I know I went once with my Aunt Jesse and my mother when I was just six years old or so... because there are pictures to prove it. But I don't remember it. I don't think I've been to Salt Lake since that day. I'd love to go back one day.

Until Then

 

The very last email I got from Michael before he left included this image.
Sometimes I wonder if I've pretended for so long... if there will ever be anything but pretend. Or if there ever was. It's so hard to think of someone as being real when you don't see them. The majority of my friends have never met him. Which only perpetuates the idea that maybe he doesn't exist. My memories of Michael are perfect. I interact with guys now and I wonder if I'm comparing them to some ghost that I made up in my head while I was sleeping. That maybe I should just give into creating a relationship with someone that doesn't compare. Because it's probably not fair that I make those comparisons to begin with. How could a relationship be as good as ours was? How could things have been so perfect? Am I just starting to forget? Have I created a false memory of how it was?

Of course, I know the answers to my questions. I have inner debates with myself fairly often. Waiting is easier now than it used to be. I can barely imagine him coming back. Because it doesn't feel real. I think I really have succumbed to the idea of living life the way I do now. Atleast most of the time.

I'm convinced that seeing him again will be one of the most surreal moments of my life.

No Intent to Send

Sometimes I write letters, or emails... or even have imaginary conversations with people in my head. Because there are so often things that I wish I could say but can't. It might be because I'm not entirely sure how they would react, or maybe because I know they wouldn't react well. Maybe it's because circumstances don't allow it, or maybe I'd regret it. And there are some things I wish I could say, just to let them out. I hate having secrets. I hate having things about me that are unknown, especially to those I love.

But if they knew, they'd never think of me the same. No matter what you might say, if you knew, then every time you looked at me, or thought of me, it would pop into your head. Our relationship would be changed forever. And for that, I could never forgive myself.

There are some things you just don't say.
And some things, you just don't send.

Pictures

There's not much more that makes me happier than spending time with good friends. And right next to that, is getting pictures with those good friends. Specifically good pictures. Pictures that represent the closeness that is our friendship--pictures that represent special memories. While I enjoy taking pictures of my friends that savor their personality and who they are to me, I love pictures of my friends and I together most.

No friendship is complete without a picture that represents that friendship.
That's just how I feel.

Countries to Visit

I was talking to my friend Ann today as we were walking through the grocery store about countries we had the desire to visit. Ann mentioned that she had once written a blog about the next 10 countries she had on her list of places to visit, so I decided that I would do something similar.

So here we go...

Countries I would love to spend an extended amount of time in:
1. Ireland
2. Brazil
3. Israel
4. Australia
5. India

Countries I would love to visit:
1. Tuva (technically a Republic of Russia)
2. Egypt
3. England
4. Jamaica
5. Mexico
6. Greece
7. Tibet
8. Cuba
9. Rwanda
10. Argentina
11. Wales
12. Costa Rica
13. Puerto Rico

Emily

 

Hartman Personality Test

So I took this personality test for my homemaking class... and it's actually pretty accurate. I pretty much tied between Blue and White.. with a hint of Yellow (and absolutely no red lol).

Does that make me pale green? Haha, jk.
Judge for yourself, for accurate do you think it is?

Blues: The Do-gooders

Blues are motivated by Intimacy and without their natural talent to insist on quality and to provide service, our world would be a far less pleasant place. Blues want to connect and to be understood and appreciated. If they are not connecting with you, if they are not plugged into humanity, then what’s the point? They believe if you don’t have a sincere connection in life, then there really is no other value. Earning money, having the Mercedes, and being in the windowed office are nice but do not represent a purposeful life to a blue. Blues are very purposeful people who love to serve and give of themselves freely to nurture others' lives. They are loyal friends, employers and employees, and their personal code of ethics is very strong. They expect other people to live honest and committed lives as well. Blues are dependable, thoughtful, and analytical; but they can also be self-righteous, worry-prone, and moody. They hold on and never let go of something/someone once they are committed.

Blue Strengths: Blues are very observant and intuitive, noticing quality and detail. With their combined assets, their sense of purpose, and their ease with showing compassion, they become integral parts of every society. In fact, they become an integral part of whatever they commit themselves to doing, whether it be fundraising, raising a family, or running an entire department. Blues sense of commitment can sometimes trap them. They will often stay in a job much longer than will serve their best interest simply because they said they would. They tend to stay because they are loyal and they care about everyone with whom they connect. You can bet Blues will be the ones to refer back to the Color Code materials because they have made a commitment to learn, to become self-aware and to be their best.

Blue Limitations: Ruling by the heart can be a double-edged sword for Blues. If you don’t appreciate their gifts, they won’t give at all. This is a constant threat when in a relationship with a Blue. A common statement from Blues is, “My emotions have ruled me all my life.” Their emotions are their Achilles’ heel. They want so badly to be loved and accepted, constantly seeking understanding from others while often refusing to understand and accept themselves.
Blues remember their limitations—or what is wrong with them—more than they remember their strengths. It is inborn. Abraham Lincoln is a good example of possessing a desire to reveal insecurities. He often talked about his flaws and inadequacies as president. Yet he continues to be seen as one of the greatest presidents of our nation. Blues need to remember that the reason they have these limitations is very connected to their gifts. The reason they care so deeply is also the reason they tend to struggle more with depression. Blues must realize that the reason it is so hard for them to break off a relationship or leave a job is tied to their capacity to dedicate themselves so completely and feel so deeply about those commitments.

Whites: The Peacekeepers

Motivated by Peace, Whites will do almost anything to avoid confrontation and to create tranquility. They have a remarkable ability to understand and draw objective conclusions—they are the voice of reason, and this is their gift to us.
Whites truly believe that with patience all things come to those who wait. The problem is that they are sometimes too content with sitting around waiting. They seek contentment more than power, money or, for that matter, more than friends. They are happy having one or two good friends and one or two hobbies. In fact, they tend to have only one hobby at a time. Instead of trying to carry on with two hobbies, they will drop one to take on another. Having two is too much effort. Their only demands from life are the things that make them feel comfortable. That feeling fosters their need to feel good inside.

White Strengths: Whites are kind, considerate, patient and accepting. Unlike Blues and Reds, they are not judgmental or critical of others’ actions or behaviors. They simply accept people for who they are: the good, the bad and the ugly. They are tactful, because they don’t want to create confrontation or rock the boat too much. Not rocking the boat is also revealed in Whites through their strength to self-regulate. Controlling their own behavior is a natural strength and this precludes impulsivity. To the rest of us, they offer a clear perspective that is objective and factual. They are excellent listeners, taking what is said sequentially, understanding why it is said, what it is going to take to deal with any problematic situations, and what they can do to help. They simply hear the facts, making no judgments on what is being said. In essence, they are virtually devoid of ego. They are good at constructing thoughts that did not exist before, just from careful listening and taking time to think things through.

White Limitations: Whites don’t commonly share what they are seeing, feeling or understanding. When they have a conflict, they won’t show it. Like a duck, they are paddling violently underwater, but on the surface, they appear calm and comfortable.
Whites can be unwilling to set goals. They are generally very content with the way things are. If you try to force them to set goals, they may reply, “I don’t know where I’m going to be in a month. How can I possibly set goals?” Better yet, they will write down the goals to get you off of their back, but have no intention of following through with them. They resist working at someone else’s pace.

Even though Whites seem ambivalent about most things, they can be very self-deprecating. They are very generous when it comes to accepting others’ limitations, but will be disapproving of themselves. On the flip side, they can also become uncomfortable when receiving public praise and fanfare. People with the DCM of Peace tend to operate on a very logical basis like Reds, but move through life using their ability to reason in a milder manner than Reds. They don’t need to dominate like a Red, but will calmly offer a voice of reason that benefits everyone.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hartman_Personality_Profile#Yellows:_The_Fun_Lovers

Studies Abroad

One of my dear friends has gone on two study abroads. One of which was a few years ago, when she was just the age that I am now, and that was to London. Most recently however, she returned from Jerusalem. To hear her talk about that land--the land where Jesus walked--is extremely powerful. Even listening to her is life changing. I won't go into detail, because that's her story to tell, not mine... but one of our other roommates has also taken trips to London and such places.

It's one of the things they have in common. While I love hearing Ann talk about London and Jerusalem, the moment our other roommate pipes in, I have to admit, I start to tune out. Because I know that the moment they both start talking about their experiences in foreign lands I will have nothing to say, and I am entirely cut out of the conversation.

In the last five years of my life, my family has become an extremely international family. With relatives in Brazil and India, there are more visits and stories and than you can possibly imagine. Let alone the "famous family trip" of 1985 that I of course didn't go on, because I wasn't alive. I've never been the one to go. I could go on for hours telling you the stories that come from my family going abroad... but they're not my stories.

When Michael started sending letters detailing the love he has for the Australian people... I admit, I was jealous. I've always known that I have a great capacity for love. Whenever I take one of those color tests, I always test blue. No matter what the code is. I always test blue. Blue for empathy, loyalty, intimacy, all that. I know that if I were ever to live in a foreign country, I would gain that love for the people. It's something I've always desperately wanted to have. How can I appreciate America, how can I have the patriotism I am told to cherish, when I have never been anywhere but here? I have always wanted to be able to have experiences that allow for a perspective of that greater picture of the world.

I want to love the people of some land. I've always wanted to go to Ireland, see Stone Henge, walk across the streets of London, look into the eyes of a Hindu woman in India, taste the food of Jamaica... I know I'm an impressionable person, and I want the impression of those lands in my soul. I want to walk the Earth. I want to have experiences.

I want some land to change my heart, my soul.
I would desperately love to go on Study Abroad.
I would desperately love to take a tour of those beautiful foreign lands, and see the mountains of Tibet, of Tuva, see the home of the Dalai Lama... Hear the voices of God's children across the Earth. I know it would change me forever. And I'm so ready for a change.

Whatever that change may be.

Learning by the Spirit

There are two types of learners. There are those that learn by what their teacher tells them, and there are those that learn by the spirit. If you learn only by the words of the teacher it is possible for you to come to a lesson and learn absolutely nothing, because the teacher does not know more than you do.

But if you allow your teacher to instead be the Spirit, you can learn great and powerful lessons from even the most humble and weak of teachers. Someone made a comment to me a few years ago that when people stand up and pray at the beginning of class "Please bless the teacher that the spirit will guide their words that we may learn" or any variation thereof... it is a useless prayer. What good does the teacher having the spirit do, if the students are not listening? What good does the spirit guiding the teacher's words do, if the students hearts and minds are unresponsive?

So instead, I've been recommended an alternate prayer. "Please bless us as the students, that we may be able to learn by the spirit."

I think it's an important principle we would all do well to remember. Similar to the sentiment that you only get as much out of an activity or relationship, as you put into it.