Addiction Recovery - The Atonement Recovery

This is the unabridged version of a talk I gave in Church two weeks ago. It needed to be abridged because I only had 15 minutes to talk, and this version, definitely takes longer than that.

A few years ago, I came upon a somewhat chance encounter with a girl in my Relief Society at the time. We didn’t know each other, but decided to make an attempt at being friends, mainly because we discovered that years prior, I had been friends with her brother. The first night we decided to hang out, I expected little more than semi-awkward get to know you type conversation, and instead, was pleasantly surprised by a conversation that somehow took way and delved into deeply raw, personal subjects for us both. Ironically, I think both of us walked away from the conversation thinking we were fine, and the other person needed more therapy. However, the conversation was one of those that kept replaying in my head day after day. I eventually called her a few days later, and while still insisting that I was fine, admitted that the only thing wrong in my life at that point, was that I felt I had come to such a deep sense of apathy, that I was no longer capable of feeling the influence of the Holy Ghost. It’s cute now, looking back, that I phrased this as “the only thing wrong” as though this were such a small and inconsequential thing. In dealing with past trauma, I think I had eventually come to the unspoken conclusion that the best way to deal with it was to disconnect myself from my emotions. In doing so, I believe I eventually numbed myself to all feeling. And that included sadness, but also joy, and in turn, the influence of the Holy Ghost. Had I truly been honest with myself at the time, I might have acknowledged that that wasn’t the only thing wrong in my life at the time, but I got there eventually.

Her response is what got me. She told me that that lack of spirituality absolutely, 100% could be a side effect of my past trauma, and that seeing a therapist may help me to regain that part of myself again. Convincing me to see a therapist is not an easy feat, despite having majored in Social Work myself, I’m a stubborn sort. But after a few weeks of continuing to dwell on the things we had talked about, I eventually approached Michael with the idea that perhaps seeing a therapist could be worth it, if it could help me feel less numb—feel the spirit again. Despite the glib nature by which I had described this as “the only thing wrong in my life” I was feeling fairly hopeless at the time.

I found a therapist with LDS Family Services because I felt it especially important to visit with someone who would understand my focus of regaining my sensitivity to the spirit. I saw her for several months, and the process was definitely helpful, but I think the most inspired thing she told me was that she felt impressed that I should start attending the Addiction Recovery Program. Initially the advice came across as a mismatch, because I did not identify as having an addiction. However, what I understood about the program was that it had a focus on applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ to our lives. And I had already felt personally impressed that I needed to study the Atonement. So, I decided to take her advice as inspired, and agreed to go. It took several months before I understood the true reason why the meetings were a good fit for what I was dealing with, but when I finally did, and was able to admit those struggles with the group during the sharing portion of the meeting, everything about those meetings changed.

Today, I would like to walk you through the 12 steps outlined in the Addiction Recovery Program. However, instead of thinking of them in the context of addiction, let’s try to think about this in the context of how each of us can work on applying and utilizing the Atonement of Jesus Christ in each of our lives.

Step 1: Honesty. KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions, and that your life has become unmanageable. “Look at your family and social relationships, your relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability to help and bless others, your health. Then look for contradictions between what you believe in and hope for, and your behavior. Consider how your actions undermine what you value. You can pray that the Lord will help you see yourself and your life as He sees it—with all your divine potential—and what you risk by continuing in your [current behavior].”

How many of us value loving and respecting the people around us, and yet still struggle with yelling at our children? How many of us value the principles of repentance, and the power of being forgiven, and yet hold grudges against those who have harmed us? How many of us have blamed our circumstances for our choices? How many of us need to evaluate ourselves, and be honest with ourselves about the many ways in which we could try to be more like Jesus?

I can be prideful. People who know me know that I don’t often like to ask for help. I know this about myself. I’m the type of person that walks into a store and avoids all the workers, and passive aggressively tell them I’m fine when they try to help me. Go away, I don’t need help. I’m like that. Although some of that is more social anxiety than pride. It depends on the day. This step for me was about accepting that I needed help, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were a source of help that I could reach out to, among others. In the margins I have written “Real connections to others are essential to recovery.”

Action Steps:

1. Become willing to abstain

2. Let go of pride and seek humility

3. Admit the problem, seek help

Step 2: Hope. KEY PRINCIPLE: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health. In step 2, “[you become] willing to replace trust in [yourself] and [your temptations] with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ.”

Step 2 for me, came from the sense of community at the ARP meetings. That is what I really miss. When COVID hit, I felt I was on the verge of dropping to a low point, and I was afraid of what relapses were possible without the support of that community. Not even COVID related, it was just bad timing. My brain felt like a chaotic minefield and I felt like I was absolutely losing it. You can bet, I would go back to the meetings, if the in-person meetings were re-instated. Because watching your fellow group members rejoice in their successes, the hope light up in their eyes, watching them fall only to keep trying, was the most hope inspiring thing. I needed that more than I knew.

In attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I quickly came to an awareness, that while I felt I had tried to make changes or improvements I had not placed my trust in faith, or Jesus Christ, and had to accept that perhaps this was why I had failed to make any meaningful changes in my life. We often have a do-it-yourself attitude, and forget that we can pray for help from Heavenly Father to restore us to the celestial beings we have the potential to be. So, how do we seek His power and influence in our life?

Action Steps:

1. Pray; read and ponder the scriptures

2. Believe in God the Eternal Father and in His son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost

Step 3. Trust in God. KEY PRINCIPLE: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Step 3 is “a decision to allow God to recover and redeem us. It [is] a decision to allow Him to direct our lives, remembering, of course, that He always respects our agency. Thus, we [decide] to put our lives in His hands”

In the margins of my ARP manual, I have written that “When we loan our will to God, (which is a continuous, often repeated choice), we get it back plus interest.” I think an important thing to remember, at least for me, is that what we are being asked here, is to DECIDE to turn our will and life over. It does not mean we have failed if we have not already done so. It does not even mean that we are READY to turn our will and life over. It merely means, that we are ready to make that our goal and begin today to make what changes we can to allow that process to begin. I had this realization a lot in ARP. I had not failed just because I had not “conquered” this step or that step. Honestly, I also felt like my healing in ARP was not linear. In part because the group is reading through the steps each week, whether that is the step that you are currently on or not. Which I loved. So often, I found inspiration in something from Step 12 that I was able to apply to step 3 or whatever. And also, healing in and of itself is not linear. I did not progress through step 1, step 2, step 3… I often felt like I was achieving step 1, and then step 5, and then step 2, and then step 3. And, of course, sometimes I repeated steps. In a lot of ways, I found step 3 to be the most terrifying. Trusting in God felt like an extremely vulnerable thing to do. I have only ever trusted in myself because it seemed like I was less likely to be hurt that way. But I also have written in the margins of my ARP book, that trusting in God, is in effect, a cure for anxiety. Albeit a challenging "cure."

Action Steps:

1. Attend sacrament meeting: review and renew baptismal covenants

2. Decide to trust and obey God; change what you can change; accept what you cannot change

Step 4. Truth. KEY PRINCIPLE: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself. In step 4, “it means you commit to rigorous honesty as you focus on events in your life, including your own weaknesses, and not on anyone else’s weaknesses.” “Through this inventory, we [identify] negative thoughts, emotions, and actions that [rule] our lives. By discovering those destructive elements in our lives, we [take] the first step in correcting them.” “One way to do an inventory is to list memories of people; institutions or organizations; principles, ideas, or beliefs; and events, situations, or circumstances that trigger positive and negative feelings (including sadness, regret, anger, resentment, fear, bitterness).” “As you do your inventory, look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior. Your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are actually the roots of your [behaviors]. Unless you examine all your tendencies toward fear, pride, resentment, anger, self-will, and self-pity, your abstinence will be shaky at best.”

What stands out to me here, is that all of us have weaknesses. All of us struggle to not be ruled by our emotions and negative thoughts. Each of us have bad habits that we can acknowledge, not just sins of great magnitude. And each of would benefit from analyzing those flaws to the point of understanding our triggers, and why we do the things we do. This is a means of taking accountability for our actions, instead of saying “well I did that because they made me angry.” Our actions are our responsibility, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. This was admittedly a hard step for me. I struggled with the shame that enveloped each mistake, each maladaptive coping mechanism I had developed. But being honest with myself helped me feel more ready to put my trust in God, and acknowledge my need for his help. Acknowledging them also helped me to let them go.

Step 4 to me, was less about writing down everything I had done wrong although I tried to do that… in some ways I think I’ve done that my whole life. Kept a list of everything I’ve done wrong to use as a weapon to beat myself with. I have a long memory of things I’ve done wrong. That last action step “Remember your sins no more” has been the most difficult. However, I will say that my husband has always been the greatest example of this. Any time I have ever had anything to share with him regarding a mistake I had made, I have never been met with anger. His response has always been one that reflected immediate forgiveness. His attitude comes across as “If you have repented, and God has forgiven you, then I have nothing to forgive you for.” Yeah. Mind blowing. What was more important, and far more difficult for me was identifying the triggers, the “why’s,” the root that needed to be uprooted in order for permanent change to happen. I’m probably still working on that.

Action Steps:

1. Write in a personal journal, seek guidance from the Holy Ghost

2. Make an accounting of your life, past and present

3. Remember your sins no more

Step 5. Confession. KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. In step 5, we [begin] to recognize patterns of weaknesses that [have] influenced our choices. We [start] to understand our tendencies toward negative thoughts and emotions (self-will, fear, pride, self-pity, jealousy, self-righteousness, anger, resentment, unbridled passions and desires and so on). Step 4 is a private experience, but step 5 allows you to “throw off the shackles of [your] isolating secrets and gain some perspective on [yourself] and the past.”

I think this boils down to communication, and community. The most healing part of my experience with the Addiction Recover Program, was finding the courage and the commitment to discuss with my spouse, the failings and mistakes I had made. And the continuous efforts toward communicating our needs, desires and failings and goals, are what make our marriage what it is today, instead of what it was 7 or 8 years ago. Without that regular communication, I feel alone, and without peace, unsafe even. And as necessary, taking things to proper priesthood authority, have helped us feel like we are doing our best to live our lives aligned with God’s will.

Beginning ARP, I didn’t think I had anything I needed to confess. Or at the very least, I was determined that I never would confess them. And in all honesty, I never have read my inventory aloud for anyone as this step suggests. It never felt cohesive and organized enough to do that. I shared parts with people as I sorted through my thoughts. But it is always on my mind, that one of the things that is important for me, is to prevent myself from feeling isolated. When I feel alone with my thoughts, I get lost in them. I am learning every day to be just a little bit better at relying on my spouse for a sense of connectedness, and being willing to be vulnerable with him.

Action Steps:

1. Begin to seek forgiveness; counsel with the bishop as needed; be honest with God, yourself, and others.

2. Let peace come into your life

Step 6. Change of Heart. KEY PRINCIPLE: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses. “Step 6 means surrendering to God all remnants of pride and self-will.” “As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, that recognizing and confessing your character weaknesses in steps 4 and 5 did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up.” “As you come unto Jesus Christ, seeking help with this step, you will not be disappointed. If you trust Him and have patience with the process, you will see your pride gradually replaced by humility. He will wait patiently for you to weary of your own unaided effort to change, and as soon as you turn to Him you will witness once again His love and power in your behalf”

This hit me in the feels, going through the program. Sure, I had acknowledged my weaknesses. Sure I had been able to confess some of them. But that did not mean I was ready to change. Willing, and wanting, yes. But I did not know how. And because part of why I felt I was attending ARP was to figure out how to deal with my feelings of same-sex attraction… I didn’t know how to apply that to this step. I did not think that having a change of heart was going to mean becoming straight. And that wasn’t my goal in attending the meetings. I think the most accurate thing I can say is that the change of heart I had was learning to accept it in such a way so to allow it to become an open part of me, instead of always feeling like there was this big secret waiting to escape. I actually have some really good comments in the margins for this section. Here are two:

“Feelings buried alive never die”

“You can tell God anything/everything because he won’t judge you. It’s not yet his time to judge.”

Action Steps:

1. Be willing to allow the Savior to convert your heart; participate in the fellowship of Christ by attending Sunday School and Relief Society or priesthood meeting

2. Be willing to be changed so imperfections may be removed through the power of God

Step 7. Humility. KEY PRINCIPLE: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings. In step 6, “Finally, voluntarily, with all our hearts, we [offer] our whole souls to God and [ask] Him to forgive us and make us in His image. [We finally] come to realize that no other name, no other way nor means, can give us a complete remission of our sins. Holding nothing back, we [plead] with the Father that He, in His infinite mercy, [will] forgive us for all our pride, transgressions, and shortcomings.”

This feels like a work in progress. And realistically, something that I will keep coming back to. But taken from the margins of my work book, one goal here “Accept my limitations—and be happy”

I recently came across a video of a face-to-face event with Elder Eyring and Elder Holland, where they address the subject of the atonement that I really liked. In that video, Elder Holland quotes a scripture, Moroni 8: 26

26 And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God.

This is something I gained a powerful witness of in attending the addiction recovery meetings. The people in that room, especially those that had been attending for years, were so beautifully meek. And you could just feel that they had been filled with the comforting spirit of the Holy Ghost, and that it was working miracles in their lives. What does it mean to utilize the atonement in our lives? Elder Eyring said it beautifully in that video. I won’t try to quote him, but to me it means working through the steps, be it these 12 steps, or your own, to create a relationship with Jesus Christ, and having faith in him, so that his love can have an unexpected influence in shaping you and your life, and bring you closer to Heavenly Father.

Action Steps:

1. Seek for the power of the Savior’s Atonement to become effective in your personal life by meditating on the sacrament prayers

2. Pray humbly for God to do for you what you cannot do for yourself

Step 8. Seeking Forgiveness. KEY PRINCIPLE: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them. “Admit the harm you [do] to loved ones and friends by being irresponsible, irritable, critical, impatient, and dishonorable. Look for anything large or small that [adds] to another person’s burdens or that [saddens] or [challenges] someone. Look for lies you told or promises you broke and ways you manipulated or used others.” “Step 8 is not an exercise in casting guilt or shame on anyone—either yourself or those on your lists. The Savior will lift the burdens of guilt and shame as you take one more honest look at troubles in your relationships and your part in them”

One thing I have realized about myself is that I can be a master manipulator. I can take a fault that someone has found in me, and turn it completely back on them to the point that they believe it to be their fault. I know exactly how to take the attention off me, and my dishonorable behavior and cast the guilt and shame elsewhere. This trait does not help me grow, or make improvements. All it has allowed me to do was hide from the guilt and shame, and continue in whatever applicable behavior. Developing a relationship with Jesus Christ means abandoning all dishonesty. It means taking full responsibility for my actions. It means being accountable, and it also means loving others enough to lift them, and finding ways to lift them instead of being a burden. And when I do that, I also find that I am learning to better love them with the same love Jesus Christ offers us. He loves us by doing his best to lift us. Seeking forgiveness is a way to be accountable for my actions, and then be better.

Action Steps:

1. Forgive yourself and others; make a list of people you might have offended or harmed

2. Seek the gift of charity; pray for others

Step 9. Restitution and Reconciliation. KEY PRINCIPLE: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed. “Upon completing step 9 to the best of your ability, you have finally done all you can to put yourself in harmony with the commandments of the Lord. You have begun to experience a new life of hope—not in yourself but in the love of God. You have gone down into the depths of humility and found the Lord waiting to embrace you. You have done all you can to heal relationships and become reconciled to others. You have at least partially entered into His rest; remaining there has become your greatest desire. You are learning to recognize and follow personal revelation better, which leads you to live in harmony with the teachings of ancient and modern prophets of God. Even in your most difficult moments, you feel a new kind of peace. You have learned to receive the blessing Paul described when he wrote, ‘The peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus’”

To me, at this point, this step is about doing my best to be my best self every day. And it doesn’t happen every day. But I am regularly striving to make restitution, by being better.

Action Steps:

1. Love others; refrain from judging others; be willing to accept a Church calling and to pay tithes and offerings

2. Be willing to do what is necessary to make amends

Step 10. Daily Accountability. KEY PRINCIPLE: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it. You may “follow step 10 by taking inventory each day. As you plan your day, prayerfully examine your motives. Are you doing too much or too little? Are you taking care of your basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? Do you serve others? Ask yourself these and other questions as you seek balance and serenity in your day. As the day unfolds, you can quickly stop negative thoughts or feelings that threaten to overwhelm you. Be especially alert for old behaviors or thinking patterns during highly stressful situations.”

This is something that I struggle with. I struggle finding balance. I struggle with prioritizing my spiritual needs. And I struggle with allowing my negative thoughts/feelings overwhelm me. But I do think that I am doing better at being on the look-out for old habits, and seeking balance with my emotional and physical needs. These are a daily thing. I know I will be working on this my whole life. We cannot merely walk through steps, and then be perfect, and Christ-like and wonderful. One of my favorite quotes is one from Anne of Green Gables: “Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.” This also means that tomorrow has no promised perfection in it either. Tomorrow is what we make it, through the choices that we make that day.

Action Steps:

1. Participate in priesthood interviews as part of your commitment to self-appraisal; continue to strengthen your relationships with other Church members

2. Examine your thoughts, words, and deeds daily; immediately set right any wrongs

Step 11. Personal Revelation. KEY PRINCIPLE: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out. “As you work through step 11, you will come to realize even more that through the Holy Ghost you will receive knowledge or revelation of the Father’s will for you. Through the Atonement, you will have the power (or grace) to carry out the will of the Father.” “Like the Savior, you will be able to say sincerely “Thy will be done” (Matthew 26:42) throughout the day. The Light of Christ will guide you and prepare you to receive the companionship of the Holy Ghost. The companionship of the Holy Ghost will become more constant, and your ability to recognize and testify of truth will increase.”

I think of this as a sort of culminating milestone. I feel the most confident and sure of my standing with Heavenly Father, when I am able to receive personal revelation. When I feel the spirit testifying to me, and telling me that I have a job to do, and a place in his work. I also think this step is akin to the baptism process. All the other steps prepared us for “baptism” or rather, the desire to seek, and the steps necessary to act on the will of Heavenly Father. But this step, is the confirmation after the baptism. You’ve done what you were asked to do, and now Heavenly Father says “receive the Holy Ghost.” Maybe you haven’t received it yet, but you are being instructed to do some inner soul searching on how to best “receive.” And again, this is not some one-and-done thing. It’s a process, an ever evolving one.

Action Steps:

1. Come unto the Father in the name of Jesus Christ for direction and power through private prayer and meditation; receive and study your patriarchal blessing

2. Meditate throughout the day on the scriptures and other inspired literature; continue to pray

Step 12. Service. KEY PRINCIPLE: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do. By Step 12, “You have a message of hope for [others], for all afflicted and troubled people who are willing to consider a spiritual approach to changing their lives, and for anyone seeking truth and righteousness. The message is that God is a God of miracles, just as He has always been (see Moroni 7:29). Your life proves that. You are becoming a new person through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. You will share this message best through your efforts to serve others. As you serve, your understanding and knowledge of this process is strengthened and deepened. Sharing your testimony of His mercy and His grace is one of the most important services you can offer”

Action Steps:

1. Bear public testimony; magnify callings and talents in serving others; hold family home evening and family prayer; prepare to attend the temple and worship there

2. Serve others who struggle with addiction by sharing the principles of recovery; apply these principles in all aspects of life

The true culminating step. I think this step illustrates that when we have gone through the steps to grow closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, when we have done all that we can to improve ourselves, and learn to rely on them, when we have done all that we can to accept them, and their love, and be humble… We seek to be like them. And seeking to be like them is best embodied through service. The desire to love and lift others.

I don’t always know how to talk about my experiences with the ARP program. Because a lot of why I went is to learn to deal with my same-sex attraction, although that's certainly not the only thing I addressed while attending. And I never want anyone to think that I think it is just an addiction to be kicked. I don’t want anyone to be hurt that way. It was an extremely personal thing for me, and it helped me. And I would love for it to help others. But I don’t always know how to explain why it helped. To me, it was about learning to see myself as God sees me. It was about learning that he loves me, all of me. It was about seeing that he loves us even when we make mistakes. It was about learning that he loves us even when we don’t fit the mold. It was about learning to love him, and learning to want to be like him… but wanting to be like him, by being myself. If that makes sense. And it was about acknowledging the things I had done wrong, in order to find ways I could do them right.

I hope that the connection to the Atonement of Jesus Christ is clear. I hope that as each of us progress through these steps in our lives, that we may become more prepared to help others find and utilize the gift of his atonement. In preparing this talk, and thumbing through my copy of the Addiction Recovery Program’s guide book, I found myself wishing I could share the feelings recorded in the margins, the moments where I can observe myself changing, and slowly finding the will to be influenced and aided by God—the process of personal revelation that occurred as I learned new things with each repetition of the steps while attending meetings. Much like reading the scriptures, or my patriarchal blessing, I have found that something new has stood out to me each time I have sat down to study its messages. Yet one thing remains. And that is that the principles found in the book, are ones that can help everyone, and not just those struggling in the depths of addiction. Because the principles by which solace are found, are ones of universal love and counsel to guide us away from our natural man, through life’s trials, to the arms of our Heavenly Father, by accepting Christ’s sacrifice, and applying his principles to our lives.

Anxiety Unpacked

I've been thinking about this blog for months. I was convinced it was the next blog I'd write for a long time, but other things popped up that were time sensitive and it just didn't happen. 

I don't know when I accepted that I had anxiety. Sometime in my married years. But looking back I know it's gone on for so much longer. I still remember re-playing interactions in my head on repeat all the way back to middle school, being able to logically recognize that the moment was small, and the other person had probably already forgotten about it, and yet I felt obsessively stuck on replaying the moment when I said something mildly awkward or something, unable to let it go. 

Here's my thing with anxiety. When I talk to people about anxiety, the definition always seems to be that anxiety = worry. People with anxiety worry all the time. That's simply not accurate. They don't understand why people struggle with anxiety, because they are wise enough to choose not to worry about that which they can't control, and everyone else should just learn that skill. Oh people, if you only knew. I have strict policies not to worry about that which I can't control. I rarely do. I don't believe in stressing out about things. I avoid stress like the plague because the times in my life when I have had long-term unescapable stress, are the times that I have struggled with regular panic attacks. I ain't got the time nor patience nor sanity reserves to deal with that. 

In middle school, I remember getting a whole bunch of reports back from teachers complaining that I was having a hard time focusing, and I was acting more hyperactive than normal. The interesting thing about that, was that I had already started taking ADHD medications, and they had helped! So why were the teachers reporting that I was acting ADHD again? Well, in middle school is also when I was diagnosed with a chronic thyroid disorder called Graves Disease. Guess what one of the symptoms is? Anxiety. When that finally clicked in my brain as an adult, my mind was blown. I finally even got to a point when I was able to recognize that if I was having troubles with anxiety, perhaps it was time to get my blood drawn to see if my thyroid was acting up. Trouble always was that my anxiety has manifested differently at every age and stage in my life, which sometimes makes it more difficult to recognize. 

So I'll tell you what anxiety looks like for me at this stage of my life, and it's not a strict "anxiety = worry" scenario. It's also not an "all of the below" scenario either. Sometimes its one symptom or two. Sometimes it's a dozen, or all. It depends.

Anxiety for me looks like:

Indecisiveness
Body shakes
Upset stomach
Tense jaw
Feeling irritable
Avoidance of situations/responsibilities (no matter how non-stressful the situation would normally feel)
Difficulty concentrating
Difficulty remembering
Feeling "on edge"
Feeling guilty despite having done nothing wrong
Feeling emotionally clingy
Apathy
Sense of dread (when there's nothing to dread)

Low self esteem / overly sensitive to criticism
Tendency to Addictive behaviors
Intrusive unwanted thoughts / images
Obsessive behaviors

Racing thoughts

Inability to sit still

Touch avoidance

Fear of judgement

Feeling compelled to overshare

And probably other symptoms. As a child I believe anxiety also included the PTSD-like flashbacks and nightmares that plagued me for many years. There was a period of my life when I couldn't fall asleep without writing a goodbye note to my family and friends every night before bed. It wasn't that I really truly thought I was going to be kidnapped or would die that night. I just couldn't let go of the feeling that I might be, until I had written about it. Rationally it felt ridiculous to write an almost carbon copy letter every night, telling myself, I could just keep the one I had written the night before. But that just didn't cut it. I suffered from insomnia because I was so afraid of going to sleep and did not want to dream. If the anxiety goes on for an extended period of time, it may trigger my depression, and those symptoms, which I won't get into right now. And if it goes on even longer, then it can begin to trigger panic attacks. That for me, has looked like:

Increased heart rate

Sweating

Hyperventilation

Shortness of breath

Trembling

Fear of large spaces

Fear of small spaces

Sense of doom

And any number of heightened symptoms from general anxiety

I had a whole summer when I couldn't attend the second or third hour of church because it was all I could do to sit through sacrament. By the time sacrament was over, I felt totally panicked and unable to breathe. I would find a dark room and just sit and breathe for the next two hours before going home. I personally have no issues with large groups or large spaces. But my anxiety, when it is triggered, does. But that it is not who I am.

I share this not to invoke pity, because I don't need it. I say it to highlight that anxiety is not something I bring upon myself. I don't sit and worry about things. Even when my brain is being overloaded with repetitive thoughts of worry, it is separate from what I actually think and believe. I can rationally believe that nothing bad is going to happen, no, that person doesn't hate me, I can tell myself it's no big deal to make that phone call, or send that email... it is something outside of myself, something separate from my personality and who I am without the anxiety that drives me to think about things I wouldn't choose to worry about myself. It is natural to worry about that big test coming up. It's natural to feel anxiety after getting that phone call to give a public speech. But generalized anxiety is separate. It is not a choice. It is not me. It makes me worry about things I don't even care about. 

I know this won't be enough to convince some people that people with anxiety aren't just simply people who worry too much about things... But maybe it sheds some light into the differences between the two.

 

Immutable

Someone asked me once how I separate my belief that God loves me, from the fact that I also believe that God does not want me to marry a woman and live a gay lifestyle. How do I believe both of those things? I suppose the question to me, morphs to how can I believe God loves me but also let’s people I love die? How do I believe God loves me even though he didn’t help me get that job or thing I wanted? How do I believe God loves me even though he didn’t stop me from getting abused? To me it comes down to the fact that I also believe that people have agency. And because God loves us, he allows each of us that gift of agency. If he stopped bad things from happening all the time, then our agency would be limited. We wouldn’t be capable of making the really bad decisions, and the regret that follows, the lessons that follow. Not that I’m trying to say that being gay is a choice we make, because I’m not. I tried “choosing” and I tried the whole praying not to be gay thing, and yet here I am, clearly acknowledging the feelings still exist. 

Because we are not puppets for God to play with. We are unique individuals with our own traits. I do not believe God gave us every desire in our hearts, or every thought in our heads, or every talent we possess. He merely created our spiritual bodies that allowed our intelligence a place to reside and prepare for the physical bodies we have now. He can try to influence us with his spirit, and we have the power to listen and to shape ourselves to match that influence or not. I would not think him a kind and loving God if he would willingly cut away parts of who I am to force me to be like him. He gives me choice. That freedom to choose is more beautiful and more important than any bad thing that can come our way because of the choices of others. The decision to live the gay lifestyle or not is a choice. And there are things I have learned both from my desire to be with women, and from my choice not to be. And I am grateful for that choice. I know I could have gone either way, God would have “let” me no matter who it hurt in the process. That freedom to make my own choice is a unique kind of power over my life that is healing to me. I also believe that had I chosen differently, had I chosen to date that girl, not get married, or even later, to leave my marriage, despite whatever destruction that choice might or might not have caused to my family and loved ones, I still know that God would love me, independent from my choices. 

If God can love me independent from my choices, I believe in turn it’s my responsibility to love him independent from how much I struggle with his teachings. Honestly there are other things that I struggle with far more than not acting on my sexual preferences. And that makes me feel weak. And sometimes, dare I say, I even feel angry or hurt. I hear instructions from our prophet that we need to have a strong foundation of faith, and my mind jumps to my doubts and my frustrations and my failings and I worry that I lack the foundation necessary. And that makes me feel worried and guilty. But I try to focus on the fact that I do not believe it to be God’s responsibility to cater his teachings to my feelings or my opinions. And if I believe God speaks the truth, then it is my responsibility to seek that truth and understand that truth, and to fake it until I make it if I don’t understand those truths. And the belief that there is immutable truth out there, is sacred. And deserves the chance to be sought out and understood no matter how fierce the sting of that truth may be. Immutable truth does not bend to anyone’s will. God wishes joy and peace for each of us, yet that does not give him the power to change immutable truth either. There is a plan, and it must be followed. People die, people get hurt, and not all of our desires naturally line up with God’s. And that’s not going to change. So all that remains are the choices that we make.

What's wrong with “Real Christians”

Lately I’ve been driving past a billboard that says “Real Christians love their enemies.” And the phrase has stuck with me ever since the first time I saw it. To me this phrase is instantly thought provoking. My initial reaction was sort of to agree, but also, something just felt wrong about it. So I’ve decided I’m going to break down all the reasons I disagree with this sentiment.

First off, the phrase “Real Christians” feels so very oppositional. Like people who call themselves Christians yet fail at the call to love their enemies should be ashamed. You are a charlatan, you’re not really a Christian, you are a sinner… all seem to be embedded in this phrase. To an extent it almost feels a little high and mighty, like a subtle claim that people who aren’t Christian don’t or cannot love their enemies. But that feels like a bit of a stretch, and it’s certainly not accurate.

Next, I’d like to address the concept of “enemies.” This depends greatly on how these “enemies” have been defined. Did I decide they are my enemy? Or did they decide they are my enemy? If I decided to label someone my enemy… that in and of itself doesn’t feel very “loving.” However, if someone else has labeled us enemies, then sure, the call is out there, in the Bible, for Christians to love their enemies. But what does that mean? 

Now we’ve got to go back to the term “love” and unpack that. What does it mean to love someone? I love my husband and I love my children and I love my mother and I love my friends, right? But how I show my love for each of those people is different. And rightfully so. So let’s pull out a quick Greek lesson, because the Greeks are so great, they even have different words for different types of love. Don’t we wish we had that? 

Eros (passionate love)

Philia (love of friends and equals)

Storge (love of parents for children)

Agape (love of mankind)

(For a more in depth look at these, and other Greek words for love, Psychology Today has a good article on it that also makes for a fun quick introduction if you’re interested) 

But, clearly we’re not being called to passionately love our neighbors. And clearly we’re not expected to be friends with everyone. I can’t even meet “everyone” to learn their name! And clearly we can’t love everyone like we do our kids. So we’re left with love of mankind. What does that look like? I want to very clearly point out that it is different from Philia. Agape is not the same way we love our friends and family. To me, what makes Philia unique is the foundation of trust that is embedded. And any expectation for me to love (and trust) a stranger the same way I love (and trust) someone I know and have built a foundation of trust with is simply unrealistic. More simply, agape is concern for the welfare of others, without any expectation of self benefit. However, I think it should run deeper than just “I don’t wish for that person to die.” It is wishing for that person to reach their full potential, wanting for everyone to live a full life, full of self improvement and joy. While it is certainly more realistic than expecting me to feel any of the other types of love toward strangers, it is certainly not without challenges. And I do think it is something that has to be strived for, it is not just born out of circumstance. Obviously a lot more could be said on this topic but I’m not sure I’m fully qualified to unpack all of that right now (or ever).

My next issue with the phrase “Real Christians love their enemies.” Is that it is almost an ultimatum. If at this very moment, you do not love your enemy, then you cannot be a real Christian. That’s a big fat no for me. Maybe if we could amend that statement to include the possibility for growth like adding the word “TRY.” We should all be TRYING to love our enemies. But being imperfect in this moment does not and should not negate our desire to TRY to be better. But people are imperfect and always will be, and to expect anything else is naïve. 

Also, I think an important aspect of trying to love our enemies, is often the fact that we must exercise forgiveness. While almost being off the topic, I want to discuss the topic of forgiveness for just a moment. When people tell other people that they should forgive someone, I think we often jump to the idea that we should return to loving them the same way we did before. Despite what happened, you should go back to being friends? Loving them the same as when you were friends? That’s a big fat no. Remember when I said a big part of “Philia” love to me, was trust? Once the trust is broken, it has to be earned back. Which in all honesty is not always possible. So what does forgiveness look like? It means letting go of the anger you feel. And in the long run, I believe it means at least returning to feeling “agape” love for that person. You wish them no harm, you want what’s best for them in their life, but that doesn’t mean you want a relationship with them. Because a relationship requires trust. And I’ll say this simply, LOVE AND TRUST ARE NOT THE SAME THING. I could write a whole separate blog on that subject and maybe one day I will, but for now..  I can be asked to love someone, without being expected to trust them. Also, while it may be the goal, and we have surely been commanded to forgive people, NO ONE has the right to declare any kind of timeline for how long it should take me to forgive someone. It took me years to fully forgive the people who sexually abused me as a kid. And I can honestly say at this point that I wish them no harm, I harbor no anger toward them, and I wish them all the best. But the timeline in which that happened was unique to me, and choices I made. And still, it does not mean that if they were to re-enter my life right now that I would welcome them back with open arms with full trust. And I do not believe Heavenly Father would ask me to do so. Because He knows that love and trust are not the same thing. Can I briefly point out that Heavenly Father, who LOVES us all equally, does not TRUST us all equally? He has not given all of us the responsibility of recording scripture or being prophets etc… and yet, that does not diminish his love for us. So I’ll say it again, LOVE AND TRUST ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

While we’re at it, can I point out that Heavenly Father is literally our spiritual “father” and therefore the love he feels for us would be “storge.” By definition, we cannot love everyone the SAME way that He loves everyone because I am nor will I ever be everyone’s momma! Also, while Christ may not be our “father,” if you checked out the Psychology Today article, you’ll remember that it specifies that storge love is most applicable to young children or rather, dependents. You could argue that because of the atonement of Christ, we are all dependent on him, and therefore he loves us with that same “storge” love. So no, I cannot be exactly like Christ today and love everyone the way he loves them. But I can still aim for that same selfless desire for everyone to find true joy and to reach their potential the way he does. I can aim to “love” everyone but never in this life will it be exactly the same way that he loves them. And that is okay.

In summary, language matters. Words matter. And overgeneralized statements about large groups of people (or just overgeneralized statements in general regardless of the population of the group) are by definition inaccurate. I decided a long time ago that it was important for me to be very careful with my words especially when it comes to love or hatred. You will never hear me say that I “hate” someone. Because I believe it should be impossible to “hate people.” Because we are all Children of God, and therefore full of potential goodness and worthy of love. However, I CAN hate people’s choices. People will always be Children of God. People may have made bad choices yesterday and make good choices tomorrow. It is my job to believe that they are capable of those good choices. It is my job to wish for them to make those good choices. It is not my job to expect good choices 100% of the time from everyone. It is not my job to trust everyone to make those good choices. It is my job to do my best to make my own good choices.

Love others. And do your best today, regardless of your mistakes yesterday. That’s the goal to me. And as a lovely little end thought, here is a good quote from Nelson Mandela that I heard recently that seems to tie in and sum this up nicely:

“I’m no saint, that is — unless you think a saint is a sinner who keeps trying.”

Taste the Rainbow

 A while ago someone asked me if I would feel supported and at peace if I could walk into a room at church full of people wearing rainbow pins. I said no. The reason I said no is because I have never personally identified with the symbol of the rainbow, and I have no desire to associate with all the politics involved.

However, the question has been on my mind ever since it was introduced to me. Would I feel more comfortable, and at peace, walking into a different room full of people holding a subtle sign that they do not judge? On the one hand, 9 times out of 10 it would be irrelevant for me because the subject of my sexual orientation probably wouldn’t come up with 9 out of the 10 people in the room since I’m not that big on large group social interactions, and I wouldn’t get to know most of them well enough for the subject to ever come up. Also, ideally in the church setting, you should be able to assume you’re surrounded by people who won’t judge you by the things that make you different because… yknow… everyone there should have the goal of being Christlike, right? 

But on the other hand, I think the fact of the matter is, people aren’t perfect, and they are not always Christlike. And I think a lot of people (including myself) could benefit from being able to walk into a room feeling like there was a large sign on every heart that said “We love you, we do not shame you, I am comfortable with who you are” Although, again, I wish that a sign wasn’t necessary. Because there are SO MANY THINGS that can cause people to walk into a room and self consciously wonder “if they knew this about me, would they still love me?” And we can’t expect people to wear signs for all of them. I’ve seen people afraid to admit they have tattoos. I’ve attended a meeting for families of people who struggle with addiction and felt afraid and ashamed to admit I had my own experiences with addiction. I’ve seen people unwilling to admit they were divorced. I’ve been afraid to admit I was abused. And yes, I’ve felt that way about admitting my attraction to women. There are SO MANY THINGS we can be afraid to talk about.

However, in the sense, that the rainbow has come to symbolize the wide diversity within the LGBTQ community… That is something I can relate to. Even in the LGBTQ community I feel like a misfit, and I can appreciate the idea that the rainbow is meant to be inclusive of all types of people on every end of the spectrum. And I can relate to the desire for the rainbow flag to be intended as a symbol that creates unity. Ideally I think it should create unity not just among the LGBTQ community, but among everyone, as a symbol of acceptance of all differences.

On the subject of gay pride… I wonder if for me, it is important to redefine how I define “pride.” When looking at the various definitions for the word, these are the two definitions that come to mind when I think of the word “pride”

1. a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.
2. The quality or state of being proud; inordinate self-esteem; an unreasonable conceit of one's own superiority in talents, beauty, wealth, rank etc., which manifests itself in lofty airs, distance, reserve and often contempt of others.

Thus why my gut reaction is to shy away from the term “gay pride” because being gay is not an accomplishment or skill, nor is it something that should cause people to be haughty, boastful or arrogant (nor should it be cause for shame). However, when looking up the definitions of pride. I found two other definitions that I find much more fitting in this context.

1. A feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people
2. Confidence and self-respect as expressed by members of a group, typically one that has been socially marginalized, on the basis of their shared identity, culture, and experience.

These definitions give me an odd sense of peace. And I wish I had connected them to the concept of “gay pride” a long time ago. Finding confidence and self-respect after acknowledging my sexuality was an important moment in my life that I am forever grateful for, that I would hope everyone could have.

And back to the thought that being in a room full of people wearing a rainbow pin might or might not be especially impactful for me, because I no longer harbor any shame on the subject…I may not feel like I need the approval of others… but that doesn’t mean I do not appreciate support. Also, I have to remember the reason why I “came out” in the first place. I shared my story for 3 reasons, to take away the power of it being a “secret,” to allow me to feel like I was able to be authentic at all times, and to provide others out there with a safe place they could turn if they needed to talk to someone. In effect, I think the rainbow symbol very succinctly accomplishes all of those things. And maybe I would talk to more than 1 out of the 10 people in that room, if one of THEM felt like they could come talk to ME because a symbol made them feel safe to do so. And that is worth everything.

Musket Fire

Recently, an apostle from my faith gave a speech to the faculty, staff and administration at Brigham Young University, a church owned school. Within this talk, he referenced this issue of Same-Sex Attraction and our church's belief in marriage between a man and wife. While speaking of this subject, the metaphor of "musket fire" was used when describing the defense of this belief. Many in the LGBTQ+ community, and allies within the church have taken issue with the metaphor. I had absolutely no intention of blogging on this topic when this talk was first brought to my attention, not thinking that I had anything unique I could add to this issue. However, because more than one person has come to me asking about my perspective, and I have had new thoughts percolating about this all week long, and every time I re-read or listen to the speech... I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I have a few things I can add to this topic. 

I, myself experience same-sex attraction. I'm not a big fan of labels, but push come to shove, I would describe myself as gay. I am married to a man. I love my husband, and though it's not always easy, I would never wish away my children, the love that he, and they extend to me, or the things I have learned or the ways I have grown in this relationship. That said, I admit that some things would be easier if I could be with a woman instead. 

If you have not yet done so, I implore you to listen to the talk for yourself here. Listen from beginning to end. Now, I would like to walk through a few things in Elder Holland's speech that stood out to me. Keeping in mind of course that I do not speak for Elder Holland or the church. I am one person, and I can only speak for myself. First, a few things that I believe set the scene well and are important to keep in mind. 

Who was the intended audience for this speech? Faculty, staff and administration. However, to quote Elder Holland, he says "Regardless of your job description, I am going to speak to all of you as teachers because at BYU that is what all of us are. Thank you for being faithful role models in that regard."

How does Elder Holland define success at BYU?  "The real successes at BYU are the personal experiences that thousands here have had, personal experiences difficult to document or categorize or list. Nevertheless, these are so powerful in their impact on the heart and mind that they have changed us forever."

What is the shared objective for teachers at BYU? “The Lord’s call [to those of us who serve at BYU] is a . . . call to create learning experiences of unprecedented depth, quality and impact. . . . As good as BYU is and has been, this is a call to do [better]. It is . . . a call to educate many more students, to more . . . effectively help them become true disciples of Jesus Christ, to prepare them to . . . lead in their families, in the Church, in their [professions, and] in a world filled with commotion."

What exactly did Elder Holland say about musket fire? (Again, you should listen to the whole speech, but the following is the introduction to what was said.) Quoting Elder Dallin H. Oaks, who was quoting Elder Maxwell, the following was shared "'In a way[,] [Latter-day Saint] scholars at BYU and elsewhere are a little bit like the builders of the temple in Nauvoo, who worked with a trowel in one hand and a musket in the other. Today scholars building the temple of learning must also pause on occasion to defend the kingdom. I personally think,' Elder Maxwell went on to say, 'this is one of the reasons the Lord established and maintains this university. The dual role of builder and defender is unique and ongoing. I am grateful we have scholars today who can handle, as it were, both trowels and muskets.' Then Elder Oaks said challengingly, 'I would like to hear a little more musket fire from this temple of learning.' He said this in a way that could have applied to a host of topics in various departments, but the one he specifically mentioned was the doctrine of the family and defending marriage as the union of a man and a woman."

What is the context for this metaphor? In the 1840's when building the Nauvoo temple, Anti-mormons were actively trying to drive the Mormons out of the area. The members had already been driven out of their prior homes before coming to Illinois. There were almost ritual attacks on families as homes, farm buildings and food supplies became victims of arson. Saints were sometimes found hiding in public buildings, fearing for their lives should they stay in their own homes. You can imagine that they were equally afraid of reprisal in the form of attack upon the very building they were working so hard to build (the temple). Church leadership requested help from the Governor of Illinois and received some. But it was eventually decided that there was such a crisis that they would be unable to help any further, and the church agreed to leave Nauvoo. Even still, militia still approached the city and engaged the saints in battle. The saints ended up leaving the Nauvoo Temple unfinished, abandoning much of their property, homes and belongings. It should be pointed out, that when push came to shove, the saints were not instructed to make a stand, pull out their guns and defeat their enemies so that the temple could be finished at all costs. They were instructed to withdraw to prevent further conflict. Violence is not a tenet we are asked to endorse.

When were these members called upon to use their muskets? When they were under attack. No where in history will you find record of the prophet and leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, calling for its members to arm themselves with muskets and actively attack and seek out war with those that disagree with the teachings of the church. We have always been set to the default setting to defend only. 

Why were those muskets fired? To defend their lives and their religion.

What does this mean for the context of this metaphor when used in Elder Holland's speech? Simply stated, we are being asked to defend our lives and our religion. Key word here being the word "defend." And until I feel like my very life is what is being threatened, I think the main focus here lies in defending my beliefs. This begs the question, how are members expected to be a "builder and defender," today? What does musket fire sound like today? I would argue, that on a day-to-day basis, what it sounds like, is the bearing of testimony. There is no violence threatened when I say "I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, and God the Father and the Holy Ghost." There is no violence threatened when I say "I have a testimony that there is a prophet on this earth today and that he leads and guides the church." There is no violence threatened when I say "I have a testimony that marriage between a man and a woman is central to God's plan." Nor is any violence threatened when I say "I have a testimony that we are all children of God, and he loves us all." For some, maybe musket fire also sounds like standing up in their local communities and courtrooms to affect laws and regulations surrounding religious freedoms... but for most of us, I think it's just a matter of bearing testimony.  

Why was this important when addressing the teachers and staff at BYU? To me, it sounds like this was specifically brought up as a reaction to anecdotes of teachers at the school using their position as teachers at BYU, to advocate for a break from the doctrines of the church centering around the family. If you think back to the objective for teachers at BYU, you will remember that the goal is to prepare their students to "lead in their families, in the Church, in their professions and in a world filled with commotion." As a leader in the church, presumably assigned to speak by the president of our church, speaking to a room full of people who are being paid through means of tithes from the members of the church, I do not think it unreasonable that Elder Holland request the teachers to uphold their calling to be defenders of the doctrines of the church. Now, I definitely think that talking about these issues is something that DEFINITELY must be done in order to achieve that objective. However, I side with Elder Holland, in that I think that "there are better ways to move toward crucially important goals in these very difficult matters — ways that show empathy and understanding for everyone while maintaining loyalty to prophetic leadership and devotion to revealed doctrine."

Why is the symbol of "musket fire" so hurtful? This is one of those areas where I think the failing being called out here, is the culture often found in the church, and not the doctrines of the church. Are there gay members of the church who are/were terrified to come out as gay? Yes. Are there gay members of the church who have faced harassment, abuse, neglect, and hatred from members of the church? Yes. Are there gay members of the church who have been abandoned by their families for living the gay lifestyle, and acting on those feelings? Yes. Are there gays (members of the church, and non-members alike) who have experienced physical, emotional, and mental attacks, leaving them bloody and bruised, broken or dead at the hands of members and non-members alike simply because of their sexual orientation? Yes. Are there gay members who are confused about their place in the church, and feel alone, displaced, and different? YES. I think hearing the words "musket fire" can be emotionally triggering. I think it can be scary. I think it implies violence, and confrontation, which is something we all want to avoid. I think it implies war, which implies that there are two sides, enemies fighting against one another. I think none of us wants to be at war. I think none of us wants to be targeted. I think we all want to be accepted as who we are. As Elder Holland said, "a house divided against itself... cannot stand." As Elder Holland said "'friendly fire' is a tragedy" and while he was specifically speaking to the teachers, and therefore referenced friendly fire being aimed at the church and its leaders... I can tell you that what I have witnessed in reaction to this speech can also be defined as "friendly fire." When I see members attacking each other for their beliefs, I am saddened and hurt. Instead of merely defending our beliefs by holding true to our testimony, I have witnessed people lashing out and attacking not only the leaders of the church, but also each other. And that saddens me. Lashing out rarely results in changed behavior, or an increase of love... which I think is what we're hoping for here. We all hope for changed behavior, and an increase in love.

Does the church approve of hate crimes? Absolutely not. Let me share the following quote:

"We join our voice with others in unreserved condemnation of acts of cruelty or attempts to belittle or mock any group or individual that is different – whether those differences arise from race, religion, mental challenges, social status, sexual orientation or for any other reason.  Such actions simply have no place in our society.

This Church has felt the bitter sting of persecution and marginalization early in our history, when we were too few in numbers to adequately protect ourselves and when society’s leaders often seemed disinclined to help.  Our parents, young adults, teens and children should therefore, of all people, be especially sensitive to the vulnerable in society and be willing to speak out against bullying or intimidation whenever it occurs, including unkindness toward those who are attracted to others of the same sex. This is particularly so in our own Latter-day Saint congregations. Each Latter-day Saint family and individual should carefully consider whether their attitudes and actions toward others properly reflect Jesus Christ’s second great commandment - to love one another." Michael Otterson

It may also be worth your time to review the following links

Religious Freedom and Fairness for All 

Love Motivated Policy Changes Toward LGBT Parents & Children 

How can we stop the hurt? If you ask me, there are a lot of members of the church that seriously need to repent. Never, in all my years of attending church, have I ever walked away with the feeling that I should ever treat people poorly who believed or behaved differently than we do. If one of my children came out as gay and at some future date began dating someone of the same gender, I would never ever consider barring them from my home, or refusing to acknowledge their partner, or treating them any different. And I would never expect any pressure from the church to engage in any behavior with my child that was anything less than loving. And people who engage in anything less than love toward their neighbor, need to repent. We NEED to talk about hard issues. We NEED to feel safe at church. We NEED to feel like it's okay to be vulnerable. We NEED to make church a place where it is safe to be vulnerable, safe to be ourselves, safe to be different, safe to be imperfect, safe to be sad, and even safe to be angry. But in order to do that, we need people to STEP UP, and be more loving, and vulnerable and be examples of Christ-like love. 

How can we stop being hurt? Sometimes we can’t. We can’t delete the emotions we feel as a reaction to things seen, heard or perceived around us. However, we can then decide what to do with that hurt. My friends and family love me, and I know that. And I think knowing that means they sometimes watch their tongue around me. But in moments before people knew that I was attracted to girls, I heard many of them mutter disparaging things, make snide comments, inappropriate jokes, make stupid assumptions, etc regarding the LGBTQ community. And yeah, it hurt. I think the important thing when stuff like that happens though is to identify those faults as being the faults of individuals, and not necessarily the organization they belong to. My husband's favorite quote is one by Brigham Young:

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.”

The most influential moments of my life, have been ones where I realized that the most powerful thing I could do, was to accept myself. Accepting myself has made a far bigger difference in my life than finding the acceptance of others will ever do for me. And certainly, finding the acceptance of others can aid us in the journey of accepting ourselves... but it is certainly not a pre-requisite, nor is it a guarantee. Plenty of people have loved me even when I could do nothing but hate myself. 

The culture that creates fear of sharing our authentic selves with others, needs to change. The divisiveness needs to dissipate. As Elder Holland said, "we do all look forward to the day when we can 'beat our swords into plowshares, and [our] spears into pruning hooks,' and at least on this subject, 'learn war [no] more.'" Elder Holland is asking us to defend our beliefs, but what he hopes for more than anything else is that we will learn to love each other so completely that we can see beyond our differences and stop fighting so that there is no need for defense. I am ready to feel safety in speaking my vulnerable truths. And I think the only way we can do that is to make a little musket fire when we have been fired upon. We should all accept the call to bear our testimony. And honestly, sometimes the best way to bear testimony, is to love without saying anything at all. 

As Elder Holland said, "Christ never once withheld His love from anyone, but He also never once said to anyone, 'Because I love you, you are exempt from keeping my commandments.' We are tasked with trying to strike that same sensitive, demanding balance in our lives." Many have failed to achieve that balance. However, I think most of us have failed in that regard, in one category or another. We do not have to agree with each other on all things in order to love one another. We should all accept the challenge to become teachers, and teach one another to interact with each other with Christ-like love. As Elder Holland defined, success for each of us as “teachers” looks like helping those around us have positive impactful experiences. May we find ways to stop being afraid to be ourselves, and may we find ways to make ourselves a little (or a lot) more loving. 

Checklist to Perfection

I am not the "perfect Mormon." I never have been. Although I've had some short moments in life where I felt like I came close. The last week or two, I have had a verse of an old girls camp song keep coming to my head that I think introduces this topic well.

"We are the Mormon girls,
We wear our hair in curls.
We love to sing dance and have a lot of fun
WOO!
We are the biggest flirts,
We don't wear mini-skirts.
Oh how we love our Mormon boys!
WOO!"

Now, it should be said that this song probably first came into existence back in the 70's (although this is an updated version of the lyrics) and was probably written by teenagers. But this song lightly touches on a few of the stereotypes that are sometimes presented regarding women in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Perfectly coiffed, multi-talented singers, dancers, married young, modestly dressed, and only willing to date/marry men who also belong to the same church. 

For a more entertaining and extensive "list" of stereotypes that exist within the church of LDS women, I highly recommend checking out the poem, "The Girl in a Whirl" Without spoiling the ending of the poem, I think it highlights the impossibility of the task of doing EVERYTHING. I don't think this is something wholly unique to the LDS Church. I think similar issues of expecting perfection of women exist in society at large. Just think of the typical 1950's woman of television. Leave it to Beaver's Mom. The house is always clean, smells of fresh baked bread and cookies, dinner is always on the table at 5pm, perfectly nutritionally balanced lunches are packed for each kid each day with a loving motivational note to boot, their children are perfectly behaved and smartly dressed, and of course highly accomplished. I could go on. In today's society that list sometimes ALSO includes working a full time job and STILL MANAGING to do everything else that was already on the list. Make that 1950's mom a Mormon, and you just take all that and add in things like daily scripture study individually and with the family, 2-3 prayers a day, doing regular community service within the church and without, and various other checklist items. 

I can't tell you the number of women who look at that list to reach "perfection" and just immediately know that they do not, cannot and will not ever measure up to that ideal. Sometimes its hard not to feel like the only option is to give up trying. And in all honesty? The answer IS to stop trying. The answer is to stop expecting perfection. 

We focus a lot in the Church, on the idea of trying to reach perfection. Trying to become like Jesus Christ. What we sometimes forget is that to goal is to TRY, which does not make us failures if we don't succeed. And it's hard not to feel like a lifetime of trying without ever reaching the goal of perfection constitutes a failure. I admit I'm guilty of it. I totally am. 

One of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8;22. I won't quote the whole thing here, but I'll quote the first and last verse. 

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven
 22. Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

Maybe I will NEVER be able to do all of those things on the long list toward perfection all at the same time. Maybe I will NEVER do everything on the list even. Maybe MY list looks different than YOUR list. In all honesty, most of the things on the list of being the "perfect Molly Mormon" don't even matter. The real list is pretty short. In my opinion, the real list is almost entirely limited to developing compassion and Christ-like charity. And some of us may need to check A LOT of items off the imaginary checklist of tasks before we learn that level of love. Some people may never check off most of those items, and yet still be better at serving and loving their neighbor than that "perfect Molly" you see at church. 

Maybe we can throw the checklist away. Throw away the list of expectations for how people should act and dress and spend their time. Maybe we can throw away the shame of not measuring up. Maybe we can forget that yesterday was less than perfect, and instead focus on the fact that today we can do something good. Maybe we throw away yesterday's goal and today we make a new one. Maybe we can throw away the idea that giving up on yesterday's goal makes us a failure. Maybe yesterday's goal was the goal I NEEDED yesterday. But maybe I don't need that goal today. Maybe today a different focus is needed to help me progress. Maybe we can stop comparing ourselves to other people. Maybe we can stop judging for ourselves whether or not someone else is succeeding at their goals. Maybe we can learn to rejoice in our own successes. 

I've been the person on the receiving end of compliments regarding my faith, my perceived "perfection." We forget just how little we witness of people's lives, and make comments about people we know so little about. I have doubts. I have been the liar, the manipulator, the cheater, the thief, the used, and the user, lazy, angry, close-minded, insecure, anxious, callous, condescending, petulant, vindictive, vain, pessimistic, unforgiving, disorganized, irresponsible, clingy, vulgar, negligent... and so many other things. I have been lost and afraid, I have been found and confident. And I'm sure I will fluctuate across the spectrum of "perfection" many more times in my life. I have had faith, and I have had doubts. As do we all.

Someone recently said to me "It is totally fine to say, 'My relationship with God is complicated, has been complicated, and will continue to be so.'" Religion is the hospital where we come, broken, to find healing. And each of us have our own broken bones and cuts. Our wounds are not better or worse, they are only unique. And how we experience life is unique. My negative attributes do not cancel out my good ones any more than my good ones negate my bad attributes. Each of us are simply people, dynamic and complex. Cultural expectations for the menial day-to-day aspects of life do little to bring us closer to growth.

Throw away the picture of perfection. Build your own castle, flaws and all, it will be something to rejoice in, because it is yours, and you worked hard to build it. Your flaws will become beautiful as you build on them to make something uniquely you. And Christ rejoices in watching you be built up into the King or Queen you have inside.

Time Out

Ironically, my husband and I are terrible at going on dates. For the most part, we really value our time with our kids, and we don’t usually feel like we need time away from them to be together. Or at least we don’t often think being away from them is worth the money and hassle that sometimes would go into going on dates! And we should probably be better at going on dates...

HOWEVER, we try really hard to support each other in getting the necessary time away from the house, or even in the house, but alone. I’m happy when he takes the time he needs to go play PokemonGo, or go running because it means he is filling his self care bucket that helps him be mentally sane the rest of the days and weeks and hours. Or when he wants to go to the grocery store because he’s been sitting at a desk all day and wants to get out of the house after work even if it is just to go buy milk and eggs. Well, I mean, I really couldn’t complain about THAT, now could I!? 😉 Sometimes on the weekend he takes a nap, and that means keeping the kids entertained to allow daddy a little peace. And sometimes he spends a day off from work playing video games with his brother. And that’s okay.

Because sometimes he deals with all the tooth brushing and last night potty runs and drinks of water and good night kisses and puts all the kids to bed without me because I have gone to an Addiction Recovery Meeting, or to hang out with a friend, or have gone to the grocery store, or fell asleep super early because I have work that night that will keep me up for hours, and I just need a little power nap first. That’s tonight, I fell asleep on the couch, and I’m just now waking up. And in a little while I will sit down to work for a few hours. Some mornings I don’t wake up to the children or the babies, he does, and he’ll take the baby downstairs, sometimes give her a bottle so mommy can keep sleeping. He often makes breakfasts for the kids too for that matter. 

Time with our kids is great. And we try to schedule one on one time with each of them every now and then too. But one on one time with ourselves is so important for us. I am so grateful that he is so willing to help me make time to go out and spend time for myself. And honestly, we both probably still need to schedule a little more time for ourselves. Because it is so good for our sanity!

Poppin Pills

Have you ever watched a TV show where there was a person with schizophrenia who just stopped taking their meds? They had issues, started taking meds, and the meds worked GREAT! But then at some point, they quit taking them and things spiral out of control again. I don’t know about you but there’s a part of me that has wondered, if the person knows that they are well controlled with the drugs, why would they ever stop taking them? How does that happen, why is that even an issue that they would just stop? Why would they want to?

Lately I’ve been thinking about my own relationship with meds and I feel like I finally have answers to those questions. 

When I take my antidepressants, I sometimes struggle with the daily reminder that something is wrong with me. The fact that I need to take these meds means that I have issues. Which, in reality, I know is fine. We’ve all got issues, who cares. Right? Logically I can talk myself down from that little ledge. It’s just a daily nag that sometimes gets old and I’d like to pretend isn’t there by avoiding/“forgetting” the meds.

But the problem is, I’m pretty sure the drugs actually work. At least most of the time. I am a nicer, less grumpy, more loving and patient, less anxious, happier person when I’m on the meds. But then after I’ve been taking the meds successfully for a while and things are going well, I tend to think “hey, I’m fine, I don’t have issues! I don’t need meds!” And so then I try to quit taking them to prove to myself that I’m all fine now. And at first things seem fine, until they’re not fine, and I regret not taking the meds, but then I’m right back to feeling that annoying nagging feeling with every pill, that something is wrong with me. That, and by then I need to see my doctor to get a refill on my prescription which gives me anxiety and so I’d rather avoid the issue so I don’t have to go see the doctor. I also have issues with feeling bad for the monetary expense every time I refill the prescription. So there’s that.

Or on a slightly different subject.. birth control pills. I hate taking them. I resent them 🤷‍♀️ Every day is a reminder that taking them means that sex will not bring me a baby. I don’t like that. I don’t think I can adequately explain in a blog post why I feel that way, but it just makes me sad. Logically? I don’t need another kid right now. But it still just makes me sad. Which means I’m not always excellent at taking them because I have avoidance issues. Which means they might not work all that well anyway… sooooo why bother taking them right? 😂 No judgement y’all. I’m not saying I’m being smart. Just admitting the way it is. This is why I have every intention of going in to get the shot version that lasts for 3 months, so I don’t have to think about the pill every day. But then… calling to make the appointment with the doctor gives me anxiety so…. Avoidance. Procrastination. Also, the last time I got one of those shots I bled nonstop for like 2 months, so there’s that. No, I don’t need recommendations for all the other wonderful forms of birth control. Unfortunately because my history of having had a Pulmonary Embolism (blood clot in my lungs), I’m not allowed to take any form of birth control that has estrogen. Which excludes a LOT of birth control options. And I’m not mentally prepared to consider an IUD yet. So, I just need to suck it up.

Regardless… it just finally made sense. I understand why someone who knows the pills work, would just stop taking them. I can relate. Regardless of the function of the pills. And obviously there are even more reasons why someone might stop, no matter how many reasons there are to start the pills. Our brains just aren’t always rational. We don’t always make choices according to what is logical. We’re just people, trying to endure to the end, and make the best of it. People, trying to deal with impulses and thoughts and feelings. And we all deal with them differently. Of course some of you out there are far more logical than I am, and part of you is reeling at my lack of logic in these feelings. But even the most logical people, can be irrational sometimes, in some things.