Anxious Apology

Ok. Perhaps I should apologize to my girl friends from college that I gave a hard time to about all the dating anxiety. I rolled my eyes so hard at all the back and forth and second guessing and the “dating rules.” I can’t even begin to list them, but I just remember watching a lot of debates of “should I text him or should I wait until tomorrow?” “Should I tell him I had a good time?” “Will I come across clingy/needy/awkward/insert adjective if I do X/Y/Z?” I simply never ever felt that way when dating boys. I never cared. I didn’t need them to like me. I didn’t need their approval. And so I did what I wanted, and if they didn’t like me for me, I wasn’t going to try to change myself to change that. And I always figured that was the best way to approach things, and people were silly for adding in all the extra anxiety by wondering what the other person was thinking. For the most part, for me, dating was a way to push boundaries and a way for me to be in control of my life and my body, and to some extent it was just something that was expected.

It wasn’t until much much later that I finally realized that I know exactly how all those friends felt. I just feel it with girls instead of boys. 😂 The constant doubt of what are they thinking, do they really like me, am I being annoying, should I back off,  did I just make that awkward, maybe I shouldn’t send a text right now, maybe it’s too soon, maybe I shouldn’t talk about X subject, etc etc. And I’m clearly not trying to date any of these girls I interact with 😳 so I can only imagine that trying to date someone would make that anxiety worse lol. Although being gay does mean I spend a fair amount of energy trying not to send mixed signals. 

My guilty confession is that in my teen years I judged the people who acknowledged those inner thoughts out loud. It made them annoying or weak or needy/clingy/etc. And then, when I acknowledge I feel those ways myself, I worry that other people will view me the way I used to view people. And to some extent, I still judge myself because of it.

Anxiety is still a weird thing for me to talk about to some extent. I am not my anxiety. Anxiety does not define my personality. But I also want to be careful talking about anxiety because I don’t want anxiety to be perceived as a thing that makes anyone “less than.” Because anxiety is also not that. I’m pretty sure that those that know me wouldn’t describe me as being a particularly anxious person. And of course, I’m not generally anxious with people that I know well. And with people I don’t know well, I try my darndest to say “screw the anxiety” and behave the same way I would with someone I know well because I still pride myself on being authentically me at all times. 

But yknow what? I also think it’s okay and perhaps necessary to sit with the anxiety for a while sometimes. We can’t just ignore our feelings. Sometimes trying to be “authentically me” all the time despite the anxiety just sucks 🤷‍♀️ I’m out of my comfort zone an awful lot, and I wait anxiously by the phone between text messages and whatever else. And try my very best to distract myself and live in the moment so I won’t do that. I talk myself down from the anxiety. For me, it’s worth it. I need people. But I understand if that’s not you, and you deal with your anxiety differently. Because constantly dealing, constantly sucks 🤷‍♀️

But yknow what? It’s also made me a good friend to people who have anxiety. I find myself reassuring people a lot. I don’t judge you for being you. I think I am pretty good at reassuring people that I don’t view them as a burden, I do in fact enjoy hanging out with them, Heck, let’s hang out every week or twice a week or whatever. I do in fact want to know any thing you want to share with me about yourself, I don’t mind if you ramble, and yes you are free to ask me anything and I will be happy to answer it. I am an open book, and I am happy to listen to anyone willing to share their “book” /life/feelings/thoughts with me as well. No judgement. As I find myself saying a lot lately!

Because even though I view my anxiety as my responsibility, and nobody else’s. It makes me happy to be able to ease someone else’s. Because I understand just how comforting it can be to receive that reassurance instead of trying to manage the nagging thoughts in the back of your head. 

So to all those girl friends that I may have judged years ago for feeling anxious about whether or not a boy liked you as much as you liked them…. I apologize. And I totally get it 😉 And to any friends I have now that have anxiety to any degree, just know that I am comfortable with you sharing that with me. And if there is anything I can do or say that can ease that anxiety I am happy to do so. But I’m also happy to just listen, and allow your anxiety to just exist without fear of shame if that’s what’s needed too.