Personal Aspirations

Well, my last post was talking about goals. But it was in pretty general terms. So it's time I turned that on myself. I'm not really sure how to approach this topic to be honest. I think it's extremely important for your emotional and spiritual well being that you don't remain stagnant in life. And to be honest, I'm probably best described as someone who stagnates and then sprints a quarter mile before returning to stagnation. It's a round I repeat through. Not that that's a good thing, or something I should accept, but it's what has been true nonetheless.

I've been thinking a lot about how to jump start my life again. I got home late last night and was thinking about this. And I thought, well, I should start immediately. And of course I thought, no... it's late, I'll start tomorrow, not today. But that's the same thought I've had more than one night. And spiritual changes don't come about through procrastination. So even though it was late I decided to make sure I started working on my goals then and there.

I have always thought that journal writing was important for me. For one, I've always loved being able to look back on the memories I have recorded in my journals throughout the years. I've had my ups and downs when it comes to journal writing though. Setting aside all the talk from the prophets about journal writing and why it's important (and their reasons are all true)... For me personally... writing in my journal is a release. It's a friend that can always be there. It's something that always listens, and always understands. And it helps organize my thoughts in preparation for prayer. So that's there's an awful lot of reasons why I need to write in my journal every day.

I've always struggled with giving personal prayers. The moments I've been successful are powerful memories filled with tears, relief, joy, Godly sorrow, and love. And wouldn't it be wonderful to receive those experiences every day? I think so. It's one thing to pray every night... it's another thing to commune every night and day.

Reading scriptures is one of those building blocks. Without it I think our foundation becomes incredibly shaky. Satan's very good at spiritual Jenga. And I don't know about you, but I'm trying not to fall down. Reading scriptures used to be really hard for me growing up because I just hated re-reading books. I've gotten better with that in the last five years or so in my life I think. But that doesn't mean I'm a perfect scripture reader either, just that I've gotten better about re-reading books. I think my favorite semester here at college (reading scriptures wise) was my first semester. I read my scriptures twice a day. In the mornings I read for twenty minutes just going straight through. And at night I would just flip to a random page and read until I felt I had learned something that applied to what I was feeling at the time. That was extremely effective for me. It gave me the opportunity to feel like I was doing the study we're encouraged to do, and read through the scriptures... but it also gave me the opportunity to feel like God was speaking to me through the scriptures and aiding me in my life. That's something I'd like to reinstate in my daily routine.

Testimony. What to say about testimony. It wasn't until sometime during my freshman year of high school that I really felt like I gained a testimony. And I suppose in some respects my method wasn't very traditional. I began researching the other big religions out there. I began considering their doctrines and how they would affect my life. I found a lot of truths and a lot of peace in the doctrines of other religions. I started reading the Torah, the Quran, the Bhagavad Gita. And they are wonderful books. I thought the Catholic idea of selecting a Saint at Confirmation was fascinating. But the more I researched other religions, the stronger my impression was that I was meant to be in the very same religion I had been born into. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was meant to be mormon. That was true. It still is true.

Now that doesn't mean I didn't fall after that realization. That doesn't mean I didn't have to gain my testimony again and again after that. But that's the moment I think of when I think of gaining a testimony. I remember a time in my life when I thought... Yes. I could leave the church. That's a choice I have. I don't have to abide by its precepts. I don't have to do anything. And in that moment I realized something like those witnesses of the Book of Mormon that ended up leaving the church... I realized that no matter what... that if I left the church, I would do so knowing that it was true. I realized that my testimony had become something that couldn't be lost merely by a desire to stray. And that was an important moment in the foundation of my testimony as well. I think the key for me... is not just knowing that I have a testimony, but I have to be applying it to my life at all times. If I haven't applied it to my life that very day, then I can't bear testimony. And that's something I need to do more often.

Gratitude. My life is just like everybody else's. It's had ups and its had downs. My trials are my own trials just as your trials are yours. And every trial affects us personally. I think some people don't realize that there are some trials we never "get over" and the idea that someone expects me to just get over certain things in my life is honestly infuriating. But that doesn't mean we dwell on them. That doesn't mean we feel ungrateful for them. That doesn't mean we don't learn from them, or bless others through them. I don't really think trials make you stronger. I think that if you can apply your testimony to your trials, that your testimony makes you stronger. Hopefully that makes sense. Anyway... my thing here, is that I want to feel more gratitude in my heart. I remember a time sitting in my bed at home as a teenager realizing that I was just overcome with a sense of gratitude. And that sense of gratitude is what spurred me to share my testimony so often. It was feeling grateful that made me want to share that feeling with others. And gratitude in my opinion is the best remedy for sadness, depression, fear. Gratitude is like a wonderful cure all.

Finally, I would like to scatter sunshine. What is gratitude, what is testimony, what is prayer, if I am not helping someone else feel better every day? If I can't make someone else smile, feel loved and cherished... what am I doing? That is by far the thing that gives me the greatest sense of purpose in my life. I love it when someone calls me in the middle of the night because they knew I wouldn't mind. They knew I would rather talk to them all night, or drive over to their house because they needed me. There are few things so powerful as the knowledge that you have been able to love someone well enough that they trust you to love them when they feel vulnerable. That' one of my strongest priorities in life and I have got to improve. I need to spread that sense of gratitude, testimony, and joy every day. I need to make someone smile every day. And it doesn't help that making someone else smile usually makes me smile too. I'm pretty sure God didn't send me to Earth to make anyone feel burdened or saddened.

Anyway... I won't go into the specific details of my goals like I talked about in my last post. I think for now just sharing the topics will do. But those are my goals. It's about becoming a better me. It's not about it being a new year. It's about feeling the impression that I needed to work on things, and then acting on it. It's about reminding myself all the time to work on those things. I'm pretty sure those will pretty much be the subject of my goals for the rest of my life... maybe plus a few more just to mix it up, but you get the idea. So I guess you can feel free to call me out if what you're witnessing in my behavior doesn't match up to one of these goals. Because I need to be honest with myself and others, and I need others to be honest with me too.

Here's to friendship, growth and faith.
Love ya'll!

Never Resolutions but Always Goals

I have never been a big fan of "New Years Resolutions" ... making goals under that premise seems to me.. like making a goal with a pre-prepared excuse for why you didn't carry it out. And that just seems silly. So why not just make a goal and call it what it is... a goal? I also think it's silly to say "this is my goal for the year." At least for myself, if I were to do that, then I'd tell myself that I had the whole year to procrastinate before it was time to evaluate my progress. I think its better to re-evaluate every month or every couple months. You can have the same goal every month for a year, but that way you're always thinking about it.

I am a Social Work major. And this last semester, that meant taking a class in which we had to write treatment plans for our theoretical clients (in this case, specifically children). And, I may or may not have been told by the professor that I was the best out of the class at writing said treatment plans ;) It's moments like that that give me a moment to think to myself "Maybe this really is meant to be my major." Aanyway.. these treatment plans were evaluated on a lot of criteria, but for now I'd like to focus on the fact that they were required to be time limited, objective, and reasonable.

Time limited merely means that you must set a date by which you hope these goals are achieved. This could be three weeks from now, or a year from now. For the purpose of our treatment plans, we had several long term goals (such as a year from now), and then we determined a handful of short term goals that were designed to help the client reach the long term goal. The long term goal could not even be achieved without achieving the short term goals. I think that's one of the major flaws of New Years resolutions. Everyone focuses on the long term goal, but no one bothers to determine the short term goals and interventions they are going to implement in order to reach those long term goals. Doomed for failure.

Objective meant that we had to write each of the goals for our clients in such a way that no matter who was reading that goal, it meant exactly the same thing. No biasing language. No language that could be interpreted in any way. For personal goals I'm not sure how important this is since it's not like I'm showcasing my goals to a caseworker, a judge, a jury, or anything like that. But, I think it's important to define our goals in a clear and concise way so that we know exactly what we're hoping to achieve instead of some vague generalization like "I'm going to get in shape" ... I don't even know what that means with interpretation, let alone without interpretation!

Reasonable. This is one of the biggest things. This is one of the areas of treatment planning that I struggled a little bit in. And I think this is something everyone struggles in when making their resolutions as well. I might make a goal like "I will do X three times a week for six weeks by such and such a date." Time limited. Objective. But is it reasonable? Your first thought might be, well it can't be too hard to do something three times a week, right? So of course it's reasonable. However, if I miss one day, screw up one week... then I can no longer accomplish the goal! This is where so many people fall in their "new years resolutions." Well, I already ate dessert once this month, so now my goal is ruined, so I might as well give up. Or whatever the applicable goal is. That's one of the only mistakes I made in my final treatment plan for this class I mentioned! It would have been better to design the goal to say "I will do X three times a week for at least five out of six weeks by such and such a date." This way I have allowed a little room for mistakes. This way I can still say, "Hey, I missed this week, but now I can resolve once more to completing this goal!"

Anyway... this probably seems a little bit like Emily standing on a soap box... but it was just something I've been thinking about. Hopefully it gives some food for thought when regarding New Years Resolutions and Goals. Soooo there ya go.

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
-Robert Frost

Relative Life

I find it amazing that no matter the hardships or trials we face we seem to underplay them for others. I think its amazing that we move past them at all. And sometimes I find it amazing that we don't share them more often to testify that trials are overcome. I mean no one wants to focus on gloom or doom... but hopefully we don't put the focus in our lives on the gloom and doom, but instead on the feelings afterwards. I think of the times I have helped friends overcome their experiences with abuse or pain and I smile. And could I have helped them in the same way if not for my own life story? Well who knows anyway since it can't be undone! Everyone's experienced pain and no matter what the cause of that pain was... for them it was real. For them it might have been the only truth they felt in that moment. For anyone else to underplay that... is unjust and unkind. One could reasonably say that it's just plain stupid. Or at least I would say that. Because even looking back... comparing my life story to those I've known and I think... "Oh how trivial. I should get over it!" ... I feel as though I've overcome those trials as best I can, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel the pain of it. One of my friends once said that she knew shortly after meeting me that I had experienced pain because how else could I be so happy? Without pain there is no joy. Opposition in all things as they say... And who wouldn't be grateful for the joy in their lives? So therefore... who wouldn't want to experience pain... at least every now and then?

People tell you that their lives are boring or that they have nothing interesting to tell you about themselves... but I'm not sure that's ever true. Everyone experiences those small seemingly meaningless moments of happiness that mean something to them. It's just a matter of feeling comfortable letting someone else in on those moments, whether they are happy or sad. I love being allowed to see the things about people's lives that they don't broadcast. I love it when people are truly honest about their life, their feelings...when they are truly genuine with you. There are no moments more special than that. Life is all relative and I don't think we should ever ever forget that. Moral of the story... life stories are precious no matter what the story is. And anyone should feel privileged for getting to share in one. So here's a New Years toast... here's hoping I can meet honest, genuine people, and that I can be just as honest and genuine with them.

Mirror Messages

For those who do not know... I love bathtub crayons. Not that I necessarily play with them in the bathtub... very often... however, they do have other uses for which they can be of service! Once upon a time I bought some magnets for our fridge that are like little whiteboards you can leave messages on. I intended them to be little spots where Michael and I could leave messages for eachother. However, it quickly became apparent that sometimes these magnets were overlooked. Well, for those who did not know... Michael and I are married. And this means... we share a bathroom! So... I began leaving messages with bathtub crayons. A message written on the bathroom mirror is pretty hard to miss since I find that most people at least take one look in the mirror before leaving the house.

Our messages range from, could you bring me this to school today, or could you make sure I'm awake by this time, to the more frequent visitors on our mirror... things like "I LOVE YOU" ... you know... things like that. I probably shouldn't provide too many examples, or let's be honest, you might just gag. But tonight, it's "MY HUSBAND IS THE BEST" because he just plain is. For multiple reasons of course... but he is.

Also, I have felt an extreme desire to decorate for Christmas early this year but I have been resisting! So.... I put up Christmas window clings in our kitchen window just to satisfy the urge for now. But I haven't put up any Christmas trees, so I'm not cheating the wait until after Thanksgiving rule... at least not really really cheating it. Anyway, that was random. But I thought I'd share.
<3s

Of Birthdays

Well, Happy Birthday to me, right?! Right.

This year I turn an odd number. A prime number even. Not sure how I feel about that. Not that I'm superstitious of course... just prefer even numbers. And this birthday almost turned into a disaster being stuck at work the night before... not having my mint chocolate chip icecream... having a midterm due at 11:59pm.. But I managed, albeit haphazardly, to turn in my midterm at 11:58pm (and hopefully I managed a grade high enough to keep my A in the class). I messaged one of my friends who gave me the intel I needed to find a gas station with a close enough flavor substitute for my traditional mint chocolate chip icecream (saved the day!).  And while today I have another test to take (which will involve lots of studying), and a silly group meeting to go to... I got the day off from work (well, not my late night shift). But I'll have some freedom tonight with Michael. And that'll be great.

This year looks complicated. But it has a lot of potential. I'm becoming the manager at my work in just 2 short months. By then my baby boy could be crawling, who knows!? My husband is nearing the end of this level of his education, looking for internships. I have people at work right now that I actually consider friends. Not real close friends or anything, but, you know, like I said, lots of possibilities this year! So who knows.

Anyway, guess life's always a mystery, full of surprises.
To bed I go dear ones!

Ups and Downs

Really life is going pretty well. Before I got married I always said that there was no way that I could ever do school and have a kid at the same time. Now here I am with a kid, going to school, and I'm pretty much working full time as well. It's not ideal, and it's not exactly what I want... most days I'd prefer to drop out of school and quit my job. But there are other days that going to school feels right, and working seems fun. I've often enjoyed a challenge. I wouldn't mind sleeping more.. But it's only one semester right? Besides all of my friends are at work, so if I stop working I won't have any social life, and that would be more sad. I miss Michael on the days I don't see him much, but that's kind of how it goes in school anyway I guess. Lots of time spent studying. I'm ready to be the stay at home mom in so many ways. But I also know that it's fair if I support the family for these first few years while Michael's in school... then he can take the long shift of doing it.

I still don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing with my life in the near-distant future... But... that's always the case I suppose.

In a few weeks, Michael and I will be having birthdays! The end.

Baby Life

Well, I'm up sort of late on a Saturday and Michael's gone to bed. But I don't really feel tired. I should probably take advantage of whatever chances I get to sleep since I'm at work until somewhere between midnight and 4am like 5 days of the week... but I'm not. So, I'm sitting and I realized I haven't updated my blog since Adam was born, so I thought this might be a good opportunity to do so.

My pregnancy was pretty easy I suppose. I never had false labor sending me to the hospital unnecessarily. Labor didn't hurt until an hour or two after they broke my water. Really only the last five hours or so were bad, and delivery only took 15 minutes. So that's not bad. Adam was born a beautiful healthy baby boy. It took us until like the day we left the hospital to give him a name, but we did it. I think it's finally starting to stick for me. A lot of the time we just call him Buddy. But I'm starting to think of him as Adam more often now.

He has been a wonderful baby. The first night in the hospital with him he woke up a lot. And it was really hard for me to sit up and grab him from the bassinet they put beside my hospital bed so I eventually just laid him on my chest and we slept together like that for at least the next couple weeks. We didn't move him into his own room in the crib until he was probably about two and a half months old.

A lot of people talk about that magical moment when they first laid eyes on their baby or when they first held their baby. Not to dull the moment, but I really didn't think it was magical. It just seemed natural to me. He was immediately part of the family. It sort of felt like he's always been there and I've always known him.

Since bringing him home it's just been great to have him around. I admit returning to work was hard. Once I finally did it, it wasn't that bad... but the thought of going to work before I had returned... just made me cry. I didn't want to leave my little boy. In the long run I think it's been really good though. It's given Michael the chance to have some alone time with Adam and get to know him and his habits, likes and dislikes. And I'm glad for that.

We have now begun school and that I think has been the first thing we've encountered that we really weren't sure how to handle with a baby. Michael's doing the early morning custodial on campus, so he bikes there in the mornings (at least for now while it's not too cold yet)... and then he stays on campus afterwards. I wake up several hours later and feed Adam, attempt to get ready for school and prepare the diaper bag each morning. Once I get to campus, Michael takes Adam so I can go to class. When I get out of class we switch off--Michael goes to class, and I take the baby. We've managed to work out our schedules so that Michael always has the baby when I'm in class, and vice versa. I'm always the last one to get out of class. Lately Michael's been going home with Adam after his last class and then I just take Michael's bike home when I got out of class. On Mondays and Wednesdays I get to go home and Michael and I attempt to take turns watching baby and doing homework. Monday evenings I go to work around 10pm to do reports and then do my best to work as quickly as I can so I get home before Michael has to leave for work the next morning around 3:50am. Michael's going to be lead student again this semester so it means he works early morning custodial on Saturdays as well now. This means I also have to make sure I work as fast as I can to get home before he needs to leave on Fridays nights when I do reports as well. So far we've been pretty lucky and I've been able to finish in time.

Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I go straight to work after I get out of class and eat lunch there..  so we only see each other for about two or three minutes at a time when we're switching off baby. A wonderful grand total of maybe fifteen minutes a day... I've been managing the shifts pretty much every day I work so I get done pretty late no matter what time shift ends, and on Fridays I have to stay to do reports after shift ends. My boss mentioned a while back that he's hoping to make all the reports be automated... Michael and I keep hoping that will happen so that I get home that much earlier from work. It would also mean I'd only be working 3 days a week instead of 5. Michael's decided to put in his one week's notice with the call center. That will at least mean that we'll get to add Saturdays to the number of days we see each other each week. Although it will probably eventually become a day pretty heavily focused on homework.

I really don't feel confident that I can keep up the momentum of work, baby and school. I feel like not being able to see Michael three days of the week is really going to start taking its toll, but I'm not really certain what to do about it. I miss my husband, and I miss my baby. But I don't really feel able to drop any of my responsibilities right now... I keep thinking I'd like to stop going to school but I'm never certain that it feels like the right thing to do... I was just offered the Manager position at work and they really need for me to take it because the only other option they have when the current manager leaves is a guy who knows nothing and hasn't been with the company for long (and no one really likes him... so all the supervisors have threatened to quit if he gets the position)... And while I feel extremely flattered by the offer, and I really do enjoy the manager position... I don't feel like I could handle the inability to ever get time off, or the attitude our boss has that no matter how many things you're doing right, the one thing you do wrong supersedes everything else. I personally prefer to focus on my improvements, instead of my mistakes.

And of course there's the factor that I just plain want to be at home with Adam. I just want to be his mother and nothing else. But at the same time, I do enjoy being at work and knowing that I'm the best at what I do, or that I'm valued there. I want the position, and I don't at the same time.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be at. If I drop out of school the world will be disappointed with me... even though I'm pretty sure I could graduate with a Bachelors in General Studies right now if I wanted to. If I stopped working I'd be leaving the company up a creek without a paddle. If I left both and stayed home with Adam, there's always the possibility that in the future I could regret not finishing school, not having a career, etc.

Michael's hoping to do his internship this Winter and realistically if I stay in school, I have 2 internships I have to do and I really don't think I could do them while still maintaining my job (especially not the schedule I'd be adapting if I became Manager). We're not even sure if we'd both be able to be doing stuff because who knows if his internship schedule will clash with my work schedule or internship or whatever. It seems so much simpler to just be the stay at home mom. But come fall when he's in school again I feel like I'll need to be working again, even if I stopped doing work and school for the Winter semester while he was doing his internship. So why would I want to quit my job when I'm in a position where I could get another raise and boost my resume, when I'll probably be needing a job again next Fall, right?

Nothing really makes sense. The only thing that really makes sense right now is looking at my baby and smiling when he smiles, and laughing when he laughs, and rejoicing in his every triumph and skill.

It's a journey.

Reciprocity of Physicality and Emotion

Intimacy is an interesting thing. I think there are a lot of people who don't truly understand it's meaning or it's purpose. In the beginning of a relationship, we tend to think of physical advances as a way to communicate that we're interested in making the relationship more serious. Personally, I'd tend to argue that it should be the other way around. Assuming your relationship is being built upon some foundation of friendship, trust, and care... and not intended to be purely physical... I think that the physical side of a relationship should really be more like... a symptom. Physical intimacy is like sneezing or coughing when you have a cold. It's a natural side effect that starts happening. You don't force yourself to do it.

This isn't to say of course that just because your body is telling you to go somewhere, that you should, "because it's a natural side effect." That's not what I'm saying. Obviously I believe in restraining those impulses until the time when it is appropriate, such as, within the bounds of matrimony (depending on what level of intimacy you're referring to).

However, I think this is an important distinction. It means that being physical with someone will not create a good foundation for your emotional and spiritual relationship with that person. Sure, it may create a false sense of trust and security for a time, but the foundation will not be there. Your relationship will eventually collapse if you were attempting to build the emotional and spiritual facets of your relationship on top of your physical relationship. Rather, if you build your emotional and physical relationship with this person, they will slowly become your partner, and those facets of your relationship will create the foundation necessary to lift each other up for eternity. Those facets of your relationship will ignite the trust and love necessary to have a healthy physical relationship with someone.

I tend to think that it is wrong to attempt being physical with someone in order to prove your emotional and spiritual relationship. Being physical proves nothing. Just like sneezing doesn't indicate having a cold. It could be allergies. You're probably thinking that's an odd analogy by now, but oh well. It's working for me.

Anyway... I've probably beaten the horse dead by now. I just wanted to hit on the importance of the fact that we should all place our emotional and spiritual relationships with people first. Without them, we won't have the foundation necessary for anything else.

Chocolate

I love chocolate. Chocolate donuts, chocolate ice cream, chocolate truffles, chocolate chips, chocolate milk, chocolate cake, brownies, fudge, cookies, candy... Chocolate. Creamy chocolate. Savory chocolate. Rich chocolate. Smooth chocolate. Gooey chocolate. It melts in your mouth, and it warms up your soul.

People always say you can't take your material possessions with you to heaven... and I'm alright with losing the money or the tv or the car, or whatever else you can think of... but I'm pretty sure there's a reason why we have taste buds. Heavenly father gave them to us for a reason. Why eat food, and not taste things? And why taste things, if not to appreciate them? Well, I'm here to say... that I appreciate chocolate. Heavenly Father gave us the blessing of having taste buds, and I intend to make them my closest buddies, and appreciate tasting good things. And among all the things I love.. like butter, peaches, cream, brisket, french fries, cheesy broccoli, scalloped potatoes, chowder, gravy, honey, shrimp, et cetera.... I fully intend on appreciating them. And chocolate.

Baby News

Well, I don't think I've posted about the baby yet, so I suppose I should! On Tuesday I'll be 28 weeks pregnant (7 months). That means I have only 12 weeks left until my due date... depending on which due date you're using since every time I go to the doctor they switch back and forth between the 25th and the 27th, and the ultra sound people have told me that the 28th of May is actually more accurate. Personally, I'm siding with the 28th since I like that number more, and hey, why not go along with the people actually looking at the baby, and not just taking a stab at when I conceived?

So, on May 28th (in theory of course) I'm supposed to be due for a baby boy. It's a bit of an odd concept really. My body is certainly bigger. I'm certainly not as flexible as I once was. And I do see my tummy tumbling like there's something inside rolling around in there. Fortunately for me, when he gets super excited about kicking, he seems to prefer the right side of my stomach, so I don't get kicked in the ribs very often, which is nice.

But it's still my body, ya know? I have a hard time conceiving of the idea that a little baby will come out and have expectations that I will hold it somewhere other than inside the womb! Something that is currently part of me but one day won't be? I mean let's just be honest here--that's weird! It's not like I look down at my hand and think to myself "One day, you won't be apart of me, but someone else," right!? Well, it's almost the same thing looking down at your stomach and thinking "One day the reason why you're huge, will be a separate being from myself." Yep. That's weird. Some days it feels like my stomach will just always look this way, and it will never change. It was just some new progression in life, like going through puberty. But that's weird because then you have to wonder... well... why would I just plain be huge forever? That's silly, and it would be oh so lame.

People always ask how I'm doing, and I guess I'm doing fine. I try to drink lots of liquids, remember my prenatals, and occasionally eat something besides chocolate. Hah, just kidding =p haha.

And I guess the other question people always ask is "Are you excited?" Which I think is kind of a weird question. Kind of like when you get married and people ask, "How's married life?" and even if marriage life sucked, you'd have no choice but to respond "Oh it's good," because otherwise it'd be awkward, right? I think it's more of a secret test to see if you'll mess up and talk about your marital issues with someone other than your husband, since everyone knows you're not supposed to do that. What a weird society we live in. Anyway, to answer the question "Are you excited?" I guess my response is, that for once in my life, I seem to be enjoying the present moment. I'm content with feeling the kicks, and watching my stomach grow, and if I'm content with meeting the kid when it's time to cross that bridge, then life will be good. That's not to say that on occasion I don't look over at our crib or the car seat or the stroller and imagine some cute little scene playing out in the future... but that's beside the point. And let's be honest, who doesn't want to see Michael hold a baby? Tender.

Right now what I'm most excited for is moving into our new apartment. I've kind of been feeling lately like I need a fresh start, and moving in and rearranging furniture and finding a place for everything always makes you feel like your life is in the right place when you're done. When you finish, you feel like not only is your house in order, but your life is too. My manager at work has asked me several times during the course of my pregnancy if I have started "nesting" yet. Apparently lots of women get obsessed with cleaning shortly before the baby comes? Anyway, I think moving into the new apartment will fulfill my nesting responsibilities and will just plain help me feel fresh and ready for something new. I've told Michael that we'll need to buy a dresser because the closets in the two bedroom apartments here are ridiculously small. They barely hold my clothes, let alone allowing for Michael and I to share a closet. I'm not sure how people manage. And there's nothing like real furniture to make you feel grown up and ready for kids.

Lately I've just been trying to focus on the logistics. I'm definitely beginning to feel the need for maternity clothes. One of my friends recently gave birth, and managed to wear her normal clothes her entire pregnancy. So I was crossing my fingers I could be just like her. But I'm not sure that wish is going to come true. The other big thing on my mind is how much time I'm going to take off work. Of course it's complicated by the fact that Michael is looking for internships, and whatever kind of work schedule he ends up having will effect the kind of work schedule I can have. Part of me has a hard time imagining taking a lot of time off work and spending so much time at home... but part of me realizes that I might want to just stay home lol. I'm also having to look at adjusting my school schedule because I can't just stop working permanently right now... and I can't do work, and be a full time student, and be a full time mom. I don't think the three combined are even possible. So... yep, the planning of the future is a complicated process at the moment. But we did get our insurance all sorted out. I know how much we'll end up spending on delivery of the baby, and I'm supposed to get my Medicaid insurance card sometime this week. So at least some things are figured out.

Anyway, that should be enough details to satisfy any curiosity you might have had about my pregnancy experience, haha. Hope you're all having a wonderful life!