Shame. Shame is a fickle thing. So different for each of us, and almost non existent for the lucky few it would seem. I was talking to someone a few weeks ago who mentioned that she had never had any issues with her body image growing up. Now, she's a pretty girl, so it's not like this is particularly surprising, but at the same time, I have to admit I expect most people to have struggled with some amount of lacking in the area of self esteem at some point in their life. Seems fairly normal. I admit, I was a tad jealous when I heard it. But also glad, because while I didn't know her then, I have known many other girls who did struggle whom I thought beautiful, and whom I loved, that I desperately wished I could help see themselves as I saw them, or better yet, as the Lord saw them. I still feel that often today. It's nice to know that someone else out there didn't feel those pangs of regret towards this friend, because she did view herself as a beautiful soul, full of potential.
I recently learned that someone I love, has spent a lot of time struggling with shame over something that happened to them. That just breaks my heart. The idea that our sense of self worth can be so affected by an event, or a timeline of events, inflicted or executed is tragic. At one time, this person was convinced there was a possibility of people not loving/accepting them because of something that had happened long ago. I am reminded of the analogy of a $20 bill. If I show you a $20 bill and ask you if you want it, you are likely to say yes. If I crumple the bill and smash it beneath my shoe, and then hold it out again, your answer is unlikely to change. Because no matter what has happened to that bill, its value remains the same. And that, to me, is a powerful and redeeming concept I wish I could broadcast far and wide.
Personally, I fear people not accepting me upon learning how I think/feel. Learning what goes on inside my head seems deeply more personal than learning about what's happened in my life. Funnily enough, generally speaking I don't much care about how people see me... until it involves people I allow inside my head. Now, if I care to do a little self analysis, much of those thoughts/feelings for which I may feel shame, may be related to something that has happened in my life, but that's to be expected I suppose. It's hard because part of me yearns to share some things so that I can A, take that chance, be vulnerable, and make stronger connections with people, and so that I can B, not have to worry anymore about their reactions should they ever find out. Knowing the reaction (positive or negative) seems far better than contemplating and fearing an unknown, potential reaction forever. However, I have determined that some things are better left unsaid most of the time.
I will say, that I will be forever grateful to the friends (and especially the spouse) I have that have loved me unconditionally despite my flaws and weaknesses. I'm also grateful for all the help I've received. Some people, are AWESOME! ;D
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Monday, November 21, 2016
Societial Expectations of Intimacy
I was in a forum once several years ago, where we were talking about intimacy. One girl chimed in that she had made the decision to never deny intimacy to her husband if he wanted it, no matter what. And honestly, that just made me feel very sad for her. I view that opinion as a way to force yourself to feel like an object, like a submissive, like something to be used, like someone whose feelings and opinions didn't matter, like a victim. Now, I should clarify. I do not believe people should use intimacy as a threat "if you do that you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight" but I do believe that women, no matter the context, have the right to say no. Personally, I could never be so outwardly vocal that way anyway. I suppose I'm a tad bit passive aggressive ;)
I have taken great care not to give in to any pressure to being intimate, because that is how I can protect both myself and my husband from a bigger issue. Because I love him, I would never want to resent him for that, I would never want to feel like a victim in my own marriage.
I hate how society makes it seem like it is the obligation and role in life of women, to service the needs of men. And I do mean hate. I hate the objectification of women and what porn does to men and their expectations/their understanding of how women should be treated. And I hate what that does to women. I have known too many women who have been mistreated or taken advantage of in life. I hate when people try to claim that porn doesn't change them or alter their views or their intimacy in real life. It makes me want to swear! The things people learn about sex from porn or even the society created by porn are just awful.
Even in high school I remember there being a boy, whom I never even dated, that constantly had his hands all over me and would pull me into his lap all the time etc... And I felt like I couldn't say no. It's ridiculous that he thought he had the right to do that, and it's ridiculous that I did not feel more empowered to say no.
I wish there was a way for me to protect and empower more women out there to avoid more of these situations. I wish I could educate men and women well enough to alter the societal lessons on intimacy and the role of women. I can only hope that I am able to teach my own children how sacred agency is.. How sacred their bodies are, and how mutual respect and care for the other is vital in a relationship is.. Our primary concern, our first thought, in intimacy, in life, should be for others, and not ourselves.
I have taken great care not to give in to any pressure to being intimate, because that is how I can protect both myself and my husband from a bigger issue. Because I love him, I would never want to resent him for that, I would never want to feel like a victim in my own marriage.
I hate how society makes it seem like it is the obligation and role in life of women, to service the needs of men. And I do mean hate. I hate the objectification of women and what porn does to men and their expectations/their understanding of how women should be treated. And I hate what that does to women. I have known too many women who have been mistreated or taken advantage of in life. I hate when people try to claim that porn doesn't change them or alter their views or their intimacy in real life. It makes me want to swear! The things people learn about sex from porn or even the society created by porn are just awful.
Even in high school I remember there being a boy, whom I never even dated, that constantly had his hands all over me and would pull me into his lap all the time etc... And I felt like I couldn't say no. It's ridiculous that he thought he had the right to do that, and it's ridiculous that I did not feel more empowered to say no.
I wish there was a way for me to protect and empower more women out there to avoid more of these situations. I wish I could educate men and women well enough to alter the societal lessons on intimacy and the role of women. I can only hope that I am able to teach my own children how sacred agency is.. How sacred their bodies are, and how mutual respect and care for the other is vital in a relationship is.. Our primary concern, our first thought, in intimacy, in life, should be for others, and not ourselves.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Confessions
Okay, I admit, I have been feeling a little lost since telling my therapist I was ready to be done with regular sessions. And I have considered making another appointment (still might eventually since I did promise that if I needed it I would come back). I sort of saw it coming, even that very same night we ended the regular sessions. But I also felt like I needed to get over it and not become dependent. I suppose it's just been nice to have someone to talk to that I didn't have to worry about feeling guilty for always having something to talk about regarding my poor emotional health.. Most of my friends are at least semi aware of my backstory in life, but I hate feeling like I'm tipping the balance of our conversations by repeatedly bringing up anxiety or depression or past history etc. Sometimes I fear I'm using it as a tether... Because I tend to make friends that don't keep in contact well and don't really tell me about their lives or feelings so in order to maintain any contact I have to have something to talk about (no offense intended for my friends of course. We all know regular contact is not a necessity for being close friends). But I also fear this kind of thinking is only because of the cycle of shaming that I seem to be so good at..
I once told my therapist that to some extent I feel much less controlled by my backstory than I once was. But at the same time, because I have turned it into a tool to connect with people, sometimes I feel like in order to truly feel connected to people I have to tell them. And I don't like feeling forced to bring up something unpleasant any time I want to feel like I am truly friends with someone. Especially since once I tell them I think people generally feel obligated to talk about it a few times to not seem like they're just brushing it off, which I feel then just gets us kind of stuck on a series of negative energy conversations, which I wouldn't mind other than the fact that I feel bad because I feel like it's probably a burden. (Ps, I acknowledge that while that is the thought process that goes on in my head, it's not necessarily what my friends think of the matter) It's different when it's someone with similar experiences, but that's just not always the case.
And there's a part of me that feels like I should be friends with my therapist now because I've told her all about my life and problems and who knows about that stuff? My friends do. So it seems very logical right? But I also know that would A, be inappropriate and B, would defeat part of what made talking to her so effective.
Anyway... I still need to work more on getting scripture study and prayer back into my routine. And, reading my self help books, and possibly some exercise ;) for now, I do feel happier most days and that is at least a good start. Anyhow... That's the inside of my head. Welcome to that insider perspective on my secret dependence and self shaming that makes me feel bad about talking to friends about my feelings but at the same time makes me feel like I have to talk about it. But I never claimed I wasn't messed up ;)
I once told my therapist that to some extent I feel much less controlled by my backstory than I once was. But at the same time, because I have turned it into a tool to connect with people, sometimes I feel like in order to truly feel connected to people I have to tell them. And I don't like feeling forced to bring up something unpleasant any time I want to feel like I am truly friends with someone. Especially since once I tell them I think people generally feel obligated to talk about it a few times to not seem like they're just brushing it off, which I feel then just gets us kind of stuck on a series of negative energy conversations, which I wouldn't mind other than the fact that I feel bad because I feel like it's probably a burden. (Ps, I acknowledge that while that is the thought process that goes on in my head, it's not necessarily what my friends think of the matter) It's different when it's someone with similar experiences, but that's just not always the case.
And there's a part of me that feels like I should be friends with my therapist now because I've told her all about my life and problems and who knows about that stuff? My friends do. So it seems very logical right? But I also know that would A, be inappropriate and B, would defeat part of what made talking to her so effective.
Anyway... I still need to work more on getting scripture study and prayer back into my routine. And, reading my self help books, and possibly some exercise ;) for now, I do feel happier most days and that is at least a good start. Anyhow... That's the inside of my head. Welcome to that insider perspective on my secret dependence and self shaming that makes me feel bad about talking to friends about my feelings but at the same time makes me feel like I have to talk about it. But I never claimed I wasn't messed up ;)
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
"If you can't say something nice..."
People always remind you to give people the benefit of the doubt because you don't know what's going on in their lives. This is one of those hard things to practice even if it's easy to preach. Often we find out after the fact what was going on in that person's life (if we ever find out at all) and I suppose you have to hope that when/if you do find out that you don't regret your actions upon knowing their backstory.
I think the biggest way people offend is through their words. I remember sitting in a circle of people all the way back in middle school hearing people joke about how "that test is gonna rape me" which i never liked.. But it hit me even harder when I learned that one of my friends in that circle had been raped. Think for a moment how she felt every time someone misused the word rape in that way, pushing her to recall something unpleasant and feel like she was surrounded by a bunch of people who were insensitive to her pain.
I myself have never liked when people used the term "that's so gay" to mean something stupid or otherwise undesirable. I may not agree with living a gay lifestyle but that doesn't mean that their struggle or their experience should be vilified into some ridiculous colloquialism. I have felt the pain of someone speaking negatively about something I identified myself as and while I know they would never assume that was something I identified with, I still didn't appreciate the attitude from someone I was supposed to feel safe with.
And that's the thing. Sitting around with a bunch of people you're close to, you might assume you can say things you might not otherwise say.. But sometimes it's better to keep your filter on.. Because you don't know if there are people in your audience that may forever feel unsafe telling you something about themselves after your moment of bluntness. To me that is a sad loss, losing someone's trust, losing the ability to make them feel safe...
Keeping your filter on doesn't have to mean not expressing those opinions even in a circle of people you feel close with, or with people you believe share your opinion... It just means that you should strive to still present those opinions in a way that does not show disrespect. Differences of opinion are OK. Different ideologies are OK. Differences in lifestyle are OK. And differences in how we experience things are OK. But I do not believe in hate. And I do not believe in showing disrespect toward any group, experience, lifestyle, ideology or opinion. And you shouldn't either if you want people to feel safe in being themselves, and expressing themselves, and sharing intimate things about themselves with or around you.
You might think that it's their job to choose not to be offended by your words. And that's true. But you are forcing them to make that choice. Having been in that position myself, I have thought, "Well, I can choose to believe that they are just using the term colloquially and do not realize the pain I feel when using it" or "They don't mean to hurt me personally with their words" But even after making that decision, they still might no longer be someone I feel safe bringing up certain topics with. That doesn't mean some of those people weren't able to earn back that sense of trust and safety, but regardless, you have to consider that at one time or another, that might have been you. You have probably made someone feel unsafe in representing some part of themselves to you. I have even learned of doing it myself to one of my dearest friends, and even my spouse. I believe that if you are truly striving to be Christlike in all of your interactions that this kind of pain and loss of safety will never happen. (Perhaps with some exceptions since people doing evil never feel comfortable being chastised, of course.) But there ya go. That's my belief and my recommendation to you. Be Christlike, Be Kind. Be Mindful.
I think the biggest way people offend is through their words. I remember sitting in a circle of people all the way back in middle school hearing people joke about how "that test is gonna rape me" which i never liked.. But it hit me even harder when I learned that one of my friends in that circle had been raped. Think for a moment how she felt every time someone misused the word rape in that way, pushing her to recall something unpleasant and feel like she was surrounded by a bunch of people who were insensitive to her pain.
I myself have never liked when people used the term "that's so gay" to mean something stupid or otherwise undesirable. I may not agree with living a gay lifestyle but that doesn't mean that their struggle or their experience should be vilified into some ridiculous colloquialism. I have felt the pain of someone speaking negatively about something I identified myself as and while I know they would never assume that was something I identified with, I still didn't appreciate the attitude from someone I was supposed to feel safe with.
And that's the thing. Sitting around with a bunch of people you're close to, you might assume you can say things you might not otherwise say.. But sometimes it's better to keep your filter on.. Because you don't know if there are people in your audience that may forever feel unsafe telling you something about themselves after your moment of bluntness. To me that is a sad loss, losing someone's trust, losing the ability to make them feel safe...
Keeping your filter on doesn't have to mean not expressing those opinions even in a circle of people you feel close with, or with people you believe share your opinion... It just means that you should strive to still present those opinions in a way that does not show disrespect. Differences of opinion are OK. Different ideologies are OK. Differences in lifestyle are OK. And differences in how we experience things are OK. But I do not believe in hate. And I do not believe in showing disrespect toward any group, experience, lifestyle, ideology or opinion. And you shouldn't either if you want people to feel safe in being themselves, and expressing themselves, and sharing intimate things about themselves with or around you.
You might think that it's their job to choose not to be offended by your words. And that's true. But you are forcing them to make that choice. Having been in that position myself, I have thought, "Well, I can choose to believe that they are just using the term colloquially and do not realize the pain I feel when using it" or "They don't mean to hurt me personally with their words" But even after making that decision, they still might no longer be someone I feel safe bringing up certain topics with. That doesn't mean some of those people weren't able to earn back that sense of trust and safety, but regardless, you have to consider that at one time or another, that might have been you. You have probably made someone feel unsafe in representing some part of themselves to you. I have even learned of doing it myself to one of my dearest friends, and even my spouse. I believe that if you are truly striving to be Christlike in all of your interactions that this kind of pain and loss of safety will never happen. (Perhaps with some exceptions since people doing evil never feel comfortable being chastised, of course.) But there ya go. That's my belief and my recommendation to you. Be Christlike, Be Kind. Be Mindful.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Why I Am Not Ashamed
"Why I am not ashamed of my ---------" depression, anxiety, personality disorder... These are all things I see come across Facebook newsfeed fairly often. Partly of course, because I follow the "To Write Love on Her Arms" group which is a suicide awareness/support group. I never really felt like I was capable of making that statement because in fact, I am ashamed. Something seeing a therapist has certainly helped me see is that I really struggle wth shaming myself. I think being aware of it has helped a lot, antidepressants seem to have helped a lot, and the last conversation I had with my therapist really hit the nail on the head... I learned the attitude of self shaming. Learned. Its not just something I innately suck at.. It's something I observed from others around me. Somehow that helped disconnect from it in some way. Made it make sense. There's a reason I struggle with it rather than it being unexplainable and unfixable which is how it's always seemed.
But, I'm trying really hard right now to not allow myself to be governed by that shame. It's part of what I've been trying to do with this blog lately. Hope none of you mind ;) but hey, it's for me, not for you ;)
I suppose even though things aren't perfect, or even where I hope them to be... I am feeling mentally stable enough now to feel the desire to help others again. While I may still feel shame for how I feel, I hope in talking about it that I'm able to help others, specifically those that I love, to find some healing.
As for reasons why I shouldn't feel shame... Because how I feel has helped me be more sensitive to the needs of others (at least when not in the throes of depression, but still). The supposed source of my depression is part of what enables me to connect easily with certain people and help them find healing. Because, even if who I am is not considered "normal" it doesn't matter. There are people out there who love me for who I am, and I will find more people who love me for who I am. And Heavenly Father loves me. You don't need to be normal, perfect, or completely whole to find love. And our life on this earth is a lot about love. And because it's OK to need help. Help from doctors, from medications, from friends, from family. It's OK to need help. And I need to be honest about that.
But, I'm trying really hard right now to not allow myself to be governed by that shame. It's part of what I've been trying to do with this blog lately. Hope none of you mind ;) but hey, it's for me, not for you ;)
I suppose even though things aren't perfect, or even where I hope them to be... I am feeling mentally stable enough now to feel the desire to help others again. While I may still feel shame for how I feel, I hope in talking about it that I'm able to help others, specifically those that I love, to find some healing.
As for reasons why I shouldn't feel shame... Because how I feel has helped me be more sensitive to the needs of others (at least when not in the throes of depression, but still). The supposed source of my depression is part of what enables me to connect easily with certain people and help them find healing. Because, even if who I am is not considered "normal" it doesn't matter. There are people out there who love me for who I am, and I will find more people who love me for who I am. And Heavenly Father loves me. You don't need to be normal, perfect, or completely whole to find love. And our life on this earth is a lot about love. And because it's OK to need help. Help from doctors, from medications, from friends, from family. It's OK to need help. And I need to be honest about that.
Friday, November 11, 2016
Creation
I mentioned to my therapist on Tuesday that I had started blogging again. I really enjoy blogging actually because it helps me sort out my thoughts and makes those thoughts feel more concrete and purposeful. It's extremely therapeutic for me. And since I do it just for me.. It's a bit what I imagine a day at the spa to be for other people. And I enjoy giving people the opportunity to get to know me in a way you don't always get to know people: how they think. I've only really had one friend with whom I had a relationship where we were constantly asking eachother what was goin on inside our heads. I know she worried that it bothered me but I loved it.
Anyway.. I really haven't wanted to do much for a while now. I've dealt with depression for most my life but this last year I think it just spiraled and I just haven't wanted to do things that I used to enjoy. My therapist said it an extremely good sign that I was "creating" again. I liked that. Io suppose I hadn't necessarily thought of blogging as a creation like my poems used to be or my short stories or drawings.. But I have enjoyed finding joy in something again.
Tonight as I was thinking about that... I thought about other contexts for "creation." Creation of the world. Creation of life. Creation of Man and Woman. I thought of the promise we've been given that as we strive to return to our Heavenly Father, we will one day be involved in the creation of spirits, of worlds.. One of the most sacred and spiritual, celestial, Godly things we will ever do is to Create. So it makes sense that creation is a sign of being in a better place mentally, spiritually..
I attended a meeting today with the missionaries in my church, talking about people investigating the church and how we can best fellowship them... And I felt grateful to be a part of something again. A part of a committee ready to serve, ready to share their love for the gospel, ready to love. I felt grateful to witness these missionaries and their desire to do the Lord's will. I suppose it feels like another opportunity to create.. by kindling or re-kindling a testimony of Christ in others and perhaps myself too.
I was reading an old blog entry earlier today in which I described something about myself quite succinctly... That I have a hard time bearing testimony when I have not felt gratitude that day... Someone in church last Sunday was quoting someone when they said "gratitude is the parent of all other virtues" and I think that truly is the case.. So, I pray for gratitude, that I may be more prepared to bear my testimony of Christ and his plan for us.
Anyway.. I really haven't wanted to do much for a while now. I've dealt with depression for most my life but this last year I think it just spiraled and I just haven't wanted to do things that I used to enjoy. My therapist said it an extremely good sign that I was "creating" again. I liked that. Io suppose I hadn't necessarily thought of blogging as a creation like my poems used to be or my short stories or drawings.. But I have enjoyed finding joy in something again.
Tonight as I was thinking about that... I thought about other contexts for "creation." Creation of the world. Creation of life. Creation of Man and Woman. I thought of the promise we've been given that as we strive to return to our Heavenly Father, we will one day be involved in the creation of spirits, of worlds.. One of the most sacred and spiritual, celestial, Godly things we will ever do is to Create. So it makes sense that creation is a sign of being in a better place mentally, spiritually..
I attended a meeting today with the missionaries in my church, talking about people investigating the church and how we can best fellowship them... And I felt grateful to be a part of something again. A part of a committee ready to serve, ready to share their love for the gospel, ready to love. I felt grateful to witness these missionaries and their desire to do the Lord's will. I suppose it feels like another opportunity to create.. by kindling or re-kindling a testimony of Christ in others and perhaps myself too.
I was reading an old blog entry earlier today in which I described something about myself quite succinctly... That I have a hard time bearing testimony when I have not felt gratitude that day... Someone in church last Sunday was quoting someone when they said "gratitude is the parent of all other virtues" and I think that truly is the case.. So, I pray for gratitude, that I may be more prepared to bear my testimony of Christ and his plan for us.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Imperfect Candidates and Finding Perfection
In light of the election it feels only appropriate to share for a moment some of my thoughts on the matter. Regarding Hillary... The feminist inside me believes that she was a strong woman who would have been able to carry the mantle of presidency.. and I suppose some part of me laments that the "glass ceiling" remains. Realistically I don't think this election ended up having much to do with her gender, but more in regards to her character and for that I am glad. Although part of me worried that having a woman as a president would make our international relationships with countries that do not respect women more difficult, which is sad to admit but regardless true. I hope you don't confuse my sympathy on the matter of Hillary as a vote for Hillary, because I certainly did not vote for her. Having Hillary as a president would have set a horrible precedent regarding our attitude toward abiding the law.
As far as Trump goes... I am sad about the precedent he sets regarding our attitude toward women, minorities, and the example he sets for how we should behave as human beings in general. And I worry about our international relations with him as president as well since he lacks tact, and the ability to garner respect from others. Although I must admit that his business experience should have prepared him for at least faking both attributes (although you'd think we would have witnessed that in the months preceding the election). But, that's all just my opinion.
I read a post a while back from a woman who had been abused and her feelings toward the fact that there was even a possibility of having a man like Trump as president... For me, I don't take it quite that personally... But there is a part of me that knows that policies regarding the abuse of women could be injured due to his presidency. Having him as president does not teach America to be kind, to protect the vulnerable, or to expect valor from our men... It teaches us that men can get away with saying anything they want. It says men can get away with groping us. And as someone who has been there, done that... It is a little sad... If it isn't obvious, no, I didn't vote for him either. But there are lots of terrible people in the world and there always have been.. but good is still possible and it doesn't mean that terrible things have to happen. Trials are for growing.
But as surreal as this day is... My primary focus still has to be on me. My God. My kids. My spouse. My friends. Because I still need to clean my house. I still need to find joy. I still need to figure out how to be a better person, form and follow a routine for my kids, read my scriptures and write in my journal... I still need to regain the attitude of gratitude that I once had. I still need to be strong. I still need to have hope. I still need to attend the Temple and play with my kids. And of course, a multitude of other things ;)
Yesterday marked some positive things in my life like hearing that I was the perfect candidate for the anti-depressants I've been taking and that an increased dosage should do the trick.. Like deciding that I was fit enough mentally to declare yesterday my last day of therapy (with the caveat of course that should I feel the need, I will return)... Like realizing that healing is possible (not just for me but for others I know) and remembering that the atonement applies to me too.. And my family. I have hope and that is refreshing.
As far as Trump goes... I am sad about the precedent he sets regarding our attitude toward women, minorities, and the example he sets for how we should behave as human beings in general. And I worry about our international relations with him as president as well since he lacks tact, and the ability to garner respect from others. Although I must admit that his business experience should have prepared him for at least faking both attributes (although you'd think we would have witnessed that in the months preceding the election). But, that's all just my opinion.
I read a post a while back from a woman who had been abused and her feelings toward the fact that there was even a possibility of having a man like Trump as president... For me, I don't take it quite that personally... But there is a part of me that knows that policies regarding the abuse of women could be injured due to his presidency. Having him as president does not teach America to be kind, to protect the vulnerable, or to expect valor from our men... It teaches us that men can get away with saying anything they want. It says men can get away with groping us. And as someone who has been there, done that... It is a little sad... If it isn't obvious, no, I didn't vote for him either. But there are lots of terrible people in the world and there always have been.. but good is still possible and it doesn't mean that terrible things have to happen. Trials are for growing.
But as surreal as this day is... My primary focus still has to be on me. My God. My kids. My spouse. My friends. Because I still need to clean my house. I still need to find joy. I still need to figure out how to be a better person, form and follow a routine for my kids, read my scriptures and write in my journal... I still need to regain the attitude of gratitude that I once had. I still need to be strong. I still need to have hope. I still need to attend the Temple and play with my kids. And of course, a multitude of other things ;)
Yesterday marked some positive things in my life like hearing that I was the perfect candidate for the anti-depressants I've been taking and that an increased dosage should do the trick.. Like deciding that I was fit enough mentally to declare yesterday my last day of therapy (with the caveat of course that should I feel the need, I will return)... Like realizing that healing is possible (not just for me but for others I know) and remembering that the atonement applies to me too.. And my family. I have hope and that is refreshing.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Two Sides of A Coin
Yknow I think one of the big things that makes it a little weird to talk about the inner intricacies of one's life in public forums is that then you may have people ask you about those things. I suppose mostly I like to think that I can live in a world where I tell people things in a blog and they secretly get to know and I don't have to acknowledge that they know because we just don't talk about it in person :p haha. Which is funny since at the same time I don't like people knowing things about me when I don't know if they know ha. So yay for unrealistic expectations!
I had an instance with a friend a while back where she noticed a book I've been reading that was recommended to me by my therapist. She asked me about it and I decided to be forthcoming and admit it was an assignment from my therapist. What most people don't realize about me I think is that I'm very good at answering questions honestly without necessarily giving much in the way of information. I give you as much info as I think you want/need/are ready for/I trust you with.. I strive for honesty because I prefer to have that policy with people.. But if I feel you don't need to know something/don't have the trust necessary for the conversation, I will answer the question in such a way, that it is honest, but not forthcoming and lead you not to ask more questions if possible. Anyway... Back to my story.. She then asked a series of questions really just in the mode of striking conversation, not probing/expecting it to lead anywhere particularly revealing.. Expecting to learn more about my family, and ended up learning a lot more about me than she intended. And yknow, that's just how it goes sometimes.. She felt really bad afterwards that she may have come across as nosy because she had asked questions that got a little more personal than she had intended.
I had an instance with a friend a while back where she noticed a book I've been reading that was recommended to me by my therapist. She asked me about it and I decided to be forthcoming and admit it was an assignment from my therapist. What most people don't realize about me I think is that I'm very good at answering questions honestly without necessarily giving much in the way of information. I give you as much info as I think you want/need/are ready for/I trust you with.. I strive for honesty because I prefer to have that policy with people.. But if I feel you don't need to know something/don't have the trust necessary for the conversation, I will answer the question in such a way, that it is honest, but not forthcoming and lead you not to ask more questions if possible. Anyway... Back to my story.. She then asked a series of questions really just in the mode of striking conversation, not probing/expecting it to lead anywhere particularly revealing.. Expecting to learn more about my family, and ended up learning a lot more about me than she intended. And yknow, that's just how it goes sometimes.. She felt really bad afterwards that she may have come across as nosy because she had asked questions that got a little more personal than she had intended.
Which, I totally get! I told her it was fine but I knew she wasn't feeling at peace with it when she left so I sent one last series of assurances. This is why if I'm not comfortable with you asking the questions, I probably won't give you the information necessary to be led to ask those questions. Doesn't necessarily mean I won't be uncomfortable answering those questions of course, merely that for you, I am willing to endure that discomfort ;D ha. Anyway, the point is, while neither of us was expecting to have that conversation, I was fine with having it because I generally assume that if you're asking the questions, you care enough to know the answer, and she did. If I had felt she didn't care enough to know the answer, I would have given responses far more vague. And had I truly been worried about it, I probably would have hidden the book before her visit to begin with. I have with other people. Whereas, with her, I'm glad we had that particular conversation.
That's the issue with talking about things on the Internet. Because you have no idea who cares enough to know the answers and who does not. You're allowing yourself to potentially have conversations with people you don't trust and who don't love you. You're also allowing yourself to help people you don't know and who need love. Those are two sides of an interesting coin.. One whose outcomes are hard to weigh.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Rose Colored Glasses
I'm not that big into reading blogs. So, really, that leads me to believe most of the time anyway, that that applies to other people too. So, really, what's the point in keeping up a blog if nobody really reads it? But the fact of the matter is, that from time to time I do read people's blogs, and from time to time people read mine. And even if they're not, writing things out has always been rather cathartic for me, so, it doesn't really matter either way.
My favorite moment, in reading someone else's blog, is that moment when you feel like you get a real, true window into their life, how they feel. It's a sense of camaraderie. It's cheating in a way because you are able to feel that camaraderie, but they don't necessarily get to, because unless you choose to tell them, they don't even know that you felt that way... But still. It's another one of those things about blogs that can be rather therapeutic. Getting the chance to feel that there are other people out there that are experiencing something akin to yourself, or even just knowing that you're not the only one with crap happening beneath the rainbow glass window that everyone else gets to look at your life through. "The Facebook" image of what your life looks like. Cute selfies with your kids, and craft time. Cuz even though everyone knows that's clearly not a complete picture of what life is like, it's easy to forget. We assume everyone is living a better, happier life than we are. Well, maybe not all of us, let's not live in a world of absolutes ;)
So, one of my biggest dreams in life has always been to be one of those people that didn't maintain that kind of facade... someone who allowed people to know and see what was really going on in my life beyond the cute selfie moments. For a long time, I thought that was me. But looking back on it, that hasn't been true for a long time. I was always very very good at hiding my emotions. I remember the first time I wasn't good at hiding it was with my friend Emma in middle school. I could never lie to her and she always seemed to know when I was holding something back. I loved that about her, although it also scared me a little I think. Anyway, I think I became too good at hiding those emotions from myself too.
I have a hard time drawing the line of what to say, which is why I never end up posting anything on this subject like I wish I would. I have the tendency to overshare once I get going, and while I have this fantasized idea in my head of being some kind of figure head on my soapbox talking about abuse or feminism or depression or something.. No secrets. Elizabeth Smart style, yknow? When your story can become a cause that means something instead of just being something that happened. Because when I have had the opportunity to share my story, I generally have had the opportunity to help someone. So, why not talk about it publicly? Why not help more people? That makes sense, right? It's what I want. But I also still believe that there is a certain amount of trust that should be involved before sharing certain things about myself... Because sharing is being willing to be vulnerable, and I just don't do vulnerable very well. Been there, done that, rather not, I suppose.
Anyway, I don't really have a point that I'm getting at... this just seemed like the right balance of honesty towards what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, without super-duper over sharing ;) Ha. Most of me still just doesn't want to talk about anything.. but I also want to feel like things are changing and that means doing something different than how I've been doing it. Granted, there's a long list of things I ought to be doing/doing differently... but... one step at a time.
So, no promises, but, here's to writing in my blog again, even if it doesn't become a consistent thing. It happened, and I'm glad for now that it did ;)
Cheers
My favorite moment, in reading someone else's blog, is that moment when you feel like you get a real, true window into their life, how they feel. It's a sense of camaraderie. It's cheating in a way because you are able to feel that camaraderie, but they don't necessarily get to, because unless you choose to tell them, they don't even know that you felt that way... But still. It's another one of those things about blogs that can be rather therapeutic. Getting the chance to feel that there are other people out there that are experiencing something akin to yourself, or even just knowing that you're not the only one with crap happening beneath the rainbow glass window that everyone else gets to look at your life through. "The Facebook" image of what your life looks like. Cute selfies with your kids, and craft time. Cuz even though everyone knows that's clearly not a complete picture of what life is like, it's easy to forget. We assume everyone is living a better, happier life than we are. Well, maybe not all of us, let's not live in a world of absolutes ;)
So, one of my biggest dreams in life has always been to be one of those people that didn't maintain that kind of facade... someone who allowed people to know and see what was really going on in my life beyond the cute selfie moments. For a long time, I thought that was me. But looking back on it, that hasn't been true for a long time. I was always very very good at hiding my emotions. I remember the first time I wasn't good at hiding it was with my friend Emma in middle school. I could never lie to her and she always seemed to know when I was holding something back. I loved that about her, although it also scared me a little I think. Anyway, I think I became too good at hiding those emotions from myself too.
I have a hard time drawing the line of what to say, which is why I never end up posting anything on this subject like I wish I would. I have the tendency to overshare once I get going, and while I have this fantasized idea in my head of being some kind of figure head on my soapbox talking about abuse or feminism or depression or something.. No secrets. Elizabeth Smart style, yknow? When your story can become a cause that means something instead of just being something that happened. Because when I have had the opportunity to share my story, I generally have had the opportunity to help someone. So, why not talk about it publicly? Why not help more people? That makes sense, right? It's what I want. But I also still believe that there is a certain amount of trust that should be involved before sharing certain things about myself... Because sharing is being willing to be vulnerable, and I just don't do vulnerable very well. Been there, done that, rather not, I suppose.
Anyway, I don't really have a point that I'm getting at... this just seemed like the right balance of honesty towards what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, without super-duper over sharing ;) Ha. Most of me still just doesn't want to talk about anything.. but I also want to feel like things are changing and that means doing something different than how I've been doing it. Granted, there's a long list of things I ought to be doing/doing differently... but... one step at a time.
So, no promises, but, here's to writing in my blog again, even if it doesn't become a consistent thing. It happened, and I'm glad for now that it did ;)
Cheers
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