Why I Am Not Ashamed

"Why I am not ashamed of my ---------" depression, anxiety, personality disorder... These are all things I see come across Facebook newsfeed fairly often. Partly of course, because I follow the "To Write Love on Her Arms" group which is a suicide awareness/support group. I never really felt like I was capable of making that statement because in fact, I am ashamed. Something seeing a therapist has certainly helped me see is that I really struggle wth shaming myself. I think being aware of it has helped a lot, antidepressants seem to have helped a lot, and the last conversation I had with my therapist really hit the nail on the head... I learned the attitude of self shaming. Learned. Its not just something I innately suck at.. It's something I observed from others around me. Somehow that helped disconnect from it in some way. Made it make sense. There's a reason I struggle with it rather than it being unexplainable and unfixable which is how it's always seemed.

But, I'm trying really hard right now to not allow myself to be governed by that shame. It's part of what I've been trying to do with this blog lately. Hope none of you mind ;) but hey, it's for me, not for you ;)

I suppose even though things aren't perfect, or even where I hope them to be... I am feeling mentally stable enough now to feel the desire to help others again. While I may still feel shame for how I feel, I hope in talking about it that I'm able to help others, specifically those that I love, to find some healing.

As for reasons why I shouldn't feel shame... Because how I feel has helped me be more sensitive to the needs of others (at least when not in the throes of depression, but still). The supposed source of my depression is part of what enables me to connect easily with certain people and help them find healing. Because, even if who I am is not considered "normal" it doesn't matter. There are people out there who love me for who I am, and I will find more people who love me for who I am. And Heavenly Father loves me. You don't need to be normal, perfect, or completely whole to find love. And our life on this earth is a lot about love. And because it's OK to need help. Help from doctors, from medications, from friends, from family. It's OK to need help. And I need to be honest about that.