A $20 Bill

Shame. Shame is a fickle thing. So different for each of us, and almost non existent for the lucky few it would seem. I was talking to someone a few weeks ago who mentioned that she had never had any issues with her body image growing up. Now, she's a pretty girl, so it's not like this is particularly surprising, but at the same time, I have to admit I expect most people to have struggled with some amount of lacking in the area of self esteem at some point in their life. Seems fairly normal. I admit, I was a tad jealous when I heard it. But also glad, because while I didn't know her then, I have known many other girls who did struggle whom I thought beautiful, and whom I loved, that I desperately wished I could help see themselves as I saw them, or better yet, as the Lord saw them. I still feel that often today. It's nice to know that someone else out there didn't feel those pangs of regret towards this friend, because she did view herself as a beautiful soul, full of potential.

I recently learned that someone I love, has spent a lot of time struggling with shame over something that happened to them. That just breaks my heart. The idea that our sense of self worth can be so affected by an event, or a timeline of events, inflicted or executed is tragic. At one time, this person was convinced there was a possibility of people not loving/accepting them because of something that had happened long ago. I am reminded of the analogy of a $20 bill. If I show you a $20 bill and ask you if you want it, you are likely to say yes. If I crumple the bill and smash it beneath my shoe, and then hold it out again, your answer is unlikely to change. Because no matter what has happened to that bill, its value remains the same. And that, to me, is a powerful and redeeming concept I wish I could broadcast far and wide.

Personally, I fear people not accepting me upon learning how I think/feel. Learning what goes on inside my head seems deeply more personal than learning about what's happened in my life. Funnily enough, generally speaking I don't much care about how people see me... until it involves people I allow inside my head. Now, if I care to do a little self analysis, much of those thoughts/feelings for which I may feel shame, may be related to something that has happened in my life, but that's to be expected I suppose. It's hard because part of me yearns to share some things so that I can A, take that chance, be vulnerable, and make stronger connections with people, and so that I can B, not have to worry anymore about their reactions should they ever find out. Knowing the reaction (positive or negative) seems far better than contemplating and fearing an unknown, potential reaction forever.  However, I have determined that some things are better left unsaid most of the time.

I will say, that I will be forever grateful to the friends (and especially the spouse) I have that have loved me unconditionally despite my flaws and weaknesses. I'm also grateful for all the help I've received. Some people, are AWESOME! ;D