Confessions

Okay, I admit, I have been feeling a little lost since telling my therapist I was ready to be done with regular sessions. And I have considered making another appointment (still might eventually since I did promise that if I needed it I would come back). I sort of saw it coming, even that very same night we ended the regular sessions. But I also felt like I needed to get over it and not become dependent. I suppose it's just been nice to have someone to talk to that I didn't have to worry about feeling guilty for always having something to talk about regarding my poor emotional health.. Most of my friends are at least semi aware of my backstory in life, but I hate feeling like I'm tipping the balance of our conversations by repeatedly bringing up anxiety or depression or past history etc. Sometimes I fear I'm using it as a tether... Because I tend to make friends that don't keep in contact well and don't really tell me about their lives or feelings so in order to maintain any contact I have to have something to talk about (no offense intended for my friends of course. We all know regular contact is not a necessity for being close friends). But I also fear this kind of thinking is only because of the cycle of shaming that I seem to be so good at..

I once told my therapist that to some extent I feel much less controlled by my backstory than I once was. But at the same time, because I have turned it into a tool to connect with people, sometimes I feel like in order to truly feel connected to people I have to tell them. And I don't like feeling forced to bring up something unpleasant any time I want to feel like I am truly friends with someone. Especially since once I tell them I think people generally feel obligated to talk about it a few times to not seem like they're just brushing it off, which I feel then just gets us kind of stuck on a series of negative energy conversations, which I wouldn't mind other than the fact that I feel bad because I feel like it's probably a burden. (Ps, I acknowledge that while that is the thought process that goes on in my head, it's not necessarily what my friends think of the matter) It's different when it's someone with similar experiences, but that's just not always the case.

And there's a part of me that feels like I should be friends with my therapist now because I've told her all about my life and problems and who knows about that stuff? My friends do. So it seems very logical right? But I also know that would A, be inappropriate and B, would defeat part of what made talking to her so effective.

 Anyway... I still need to work more on getting scripture study and prayer back into my routine. And, reading my self help books, and possibly some exercise ;) for now, I do feel happier most days and that is at least a good start. Anyhow... That's the inside of my head. Welcome to that insider perspective on my secret dependence and self shaming that makes me feel bad about talking to friends about my feelings but at the same time makes me feel like I have to talk about it. But I never claimed I wasn't messed up ;)