Sometimes I think we are provided with times in which we feel isolated.. when no one around us understands how we feel, as a refresher, a reminder that we don't know how the people around us feel, what they're going through.
I remember as a teenager watching my friends go through periods of really not liking themselves. Usually because of their personal appearance, but sometimes because of other factors as well. It always made me so sad because I wished they could see themselves how I saw them. They were beautiful people, great friends, and the kind of wholesome people that just make you want to be friends with them because you secretly wished you could be more like them. Yknow? I remember giving one friend in particular, some homework to try and build up her self esteem. Writing lists of things she liked about herself, looking herself in the mirror and telling herself that she was beautiful and wonderful! Sounds silly... but that was one of the first ways I was able to build my self esteem in middle school. I realized that the people who were the most beautiful, had confidence. It was their confidence that added to their attractiveness. So I decided, that I needed to love me, before somebody else could. Looked myself in the mirror in the mornings and told myself I was beautiful. No matter how much it made me cringe because I didn't believe it was true, or because of the awkwardness of the situation ;) Haha. I do feel like it helped though. Which is why I wanted to be able to pass it on so it could potentially help this friend of mine.
Every once in a while... it hits me... that I am repeating the same behavior that I have lamented seeing in my friends... It's so silly that it's so much harder for us to see the beauty and goodness in ourselves than it is to see in others. I imagine that it's frequently how God feels... he can see our potential, and desperately wants us to see ourselves as he sees us so that we can make those leaps and bounds! Sometimes I think it's the knowledge of that potential that makes me hate myself though. Because I already feel like I could be better... if my potential is greater than the distance I already know I have to go... it just feels a bit hopeless. Which, of course, is why we need the Lord's help. I've never been very good at letting people help me ;)
The decision not to hate myself has seemed harder lately. And there have been moments when I have failed, and moments when I have come closer to turning that ship all the way around.. I guess it just feels like there is more I have done/am doing wrong, than I am doing right. Positive words from others don't usually make me feel any better.. it feels like I have a bit more baggage than I'm worth. Too much that people don't know that I feel like would change their view of me if they did. Which I recognize is a bit unfair since I do have people who love me regardless of some of these faults. But hey, who said I had to be rational. It's hard for me to identify why these things are being harder to accept about myself than they have been in the past... Perhaps because they seem more relavent to my struggle than they used to be. Like I said, hard to say.
I know that at least part of the answer lies in learning to trust more in my Heavenly Father... It's just one of those things that we have to learn on our own, and sometimes it can be a rather long, up hill journey. I'm very grateful for all of my friends in this journey though... new and old. I have received far more support than I might have otherwise thought probable.
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