Sorry to blog twice in one day but things have happened, conversations had and my mind is on a new track.. A while ago I was sitting in a Relief Society meeting at church when someone referenced a quote from some talk along the lines of "are you as quick to pray as you are to text" At the time, it struck me but in a different way. At the time we were talking more along the lines of children driving you crazy, and choosing to text your spouse to whine instead of choosing to pray to your Heavenly Father for comfort or aid. Which, was good for me to hear, but it's also advice I can apply in a different way in my life..
I have always appreciated having close friends with whom I can have deep, personal conversations with. However, over the years, I have felt like these conversations have become increasingly frequent even though I don't necessarily feel like they are even being all that beneficial either for me or for those I'm having the conversation with. Someone asked me today if I was having these conversations to vent, or to solve problems... the occasional vent is fine, but as far as solving problems go, I needed to evaluate whether said problems would better solved by my therapist rather than with a friend. When I started going to therapy, I started to wonder if really I've just been having these conversations because some part of me knew I had stuff that was still unresolved and was seeking to solve it. Even though rationally speaking it's not like I would ever have expected any of my friends to say something magical to fix whatever in me was messed up by my childhood. Maybe I was hoping they would though... although sometimes I think I was also hoping that talking about it more would increase my chance in finding people with similar backgrounds... with the idea that if I helped enough other people work through their crap, maybe I'd feel better or work through my own as well... or something... I dunno. Or just make it more worth it.
But now that I've started being able to have these kinds of deep conversations with a therapist, and had some success in changing my mindset... I also feel a little bit stuck on where to draw the line... what do friends talk about, versus what should I just keep to my prayers, my journal, my therapist. And, of course, I do need to be better at opening up and allowing myself to be more vulnerable with my spouse as well. I really just don't know. I do think the question of whether its a need to vent, versus a need to fix things is an important perspective to start with... but still... I just dont want to feel like I'm overutilizing a friend for something a therapist is better suited for anyway. But I recognize that it is still important to open up to your friends and share the bad with the good. Like I said... where to draw the line is the probelm.
Where I have struggled with prayer for so long, I am left with the reminder "are you as quick to pray as you are to text" and I have to evaluate my ability to rely more on the Lord rather than those around me. And sometimes, I just need to be able to work through my feelings and feel like I'm expressing them. Sometimes a blog fits the bill, sometimes a journal fits it better. Sometimes I think a journal is a bit like a written prayer. The Lord can be my audience because no one else is reading it but me and him or something. And I like that. I can focus my thoughts so much better in text than I can out loud in a vocal prayer. And because I'm having to take the time to write it out, I think it's also easier for me to take the time and feel His responses. Athough, vocal prayer is still an important medium. Sometimes a person is what fits the need of the hour... it depends. Sometimes I just want someone to understand. And I feel like its more meaningful if that comes from someone you love rather than a therapist... but at the same time, therapists can be a little more experienced in empathy, so you might have a higher success rate with them.. I dunno... and I've got to figure it out a little better so I don't need to feel like such a drain on the friendships I am blessed with. Of course, feel free to insert a statement about how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only ones who can truly understand what we are experiencing, thanks to the atonement. I do need to gain a stronger testimony of that concept since it really does have the most potential for comfort.
I feel like I have been stuck for so long... there has to be a reason attached to it that is my fault. I'm not trying hard enough. And I'm really not... but I also just don't feel ready... but I also don't want that to be a stable excuse to rely on either. I feel so lame saying it. Hate feeling like I'm just using excuses. Someone reminded me that I have had successes this year and I shouldn't feel like I've been without any progress. It's okay for progress to be slow, so long as you have it. And that's true. And I have been really grateful for the progress I have made.. I've talked about that concept with my therapist as well. And I'm really grateful for that someone acknowledging that and helping me focus a little more on my successes rather than my failings in a way that didn't just feel like an attempt to sugar coat ;) It really should be okay that I haven't perfected certain areas of my life... because I can't do everything all at once, and that's okay. But I'm good enough at seeing my failings all on my own realistically. I just also know that I have had relapses and I don't like feeling that I'm taking a step backward after finally taking a step forward.
Anyway, I'm going to be going back to therapy again... so maybe I'll have better insights soon ;)
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