Ministering

Home. They say home is where the heart is. And that has been an interesting concept for us the last few years. My heart of course spends most of it's time in our physical home, because that's where my children are, where my husband is. But we have both always longed for Texas. And I always miss Texas more in the spring when the bluebonnets are blooming.

When we were in college it was easier because it made sense to be away from home. It was okay because it was temporary because college has an end point. A light at the end of the tunnel. But once we graduated, it all just became a little bit different. Suddenly being away from home was a choice we were making. Idaho felt a bit more like home because I had friends to confide in, people around who I felt loved me. It made a difference. When we moved to Washington it was like I could feel a tangible difference. This was not home. I hoped it would eventually feel a little more like home, but things never really changed.

Even going to church got hard because sometimes it just felt like I was putting myself in a position where I could see the faces of people I was almost friends with but wasn't. I felt isolated and self conscious about my lack of relationships. My calling sometimes emphasizes that fact because I'm frequently asked the question "Do you know so and so?" and the answer is undoubtedly no because I can count the number of people I know even just the names of.. And don't worry, it is not lost on me that this issue is mainly my own fault. And frequently church in this area has just made me feel grumpy, due to my dealings with certain people. I have felt judged, ignored, and lonely.

But, I wanted to acknowledge that things changed when it got nearer to the time to have my new baby. Suddenly there were people in the ward that were approaching me as though they'd known me for years. Women who had made blankets for my son... when I didn't even know their name or how on earth they knew anything about me (although I suppose being hugely pregnant is a bit of an obvious factoid to know about someone). I seemed to have my prayers answered through people I barely knew. Multiple people offering to care for my children (even being aware of the added medical responsibilities present), people spontaneously dropping off food on days I really didn't want to cook.. And when it came time that my baby was born.. so many people signed up to bring us food. And even after the first week, more people dropped off food.. I was on the receiving end of service I never ever would have asked for, never would have thought I wanted, and never would have expected... And just in general, there was an outpouring of concern after all the drama that happened after giving birth. Above and beyond.

For those that don't know, our church has recently revamped some fellowshipping expectations. Really I don't think it was much of a revamp so much as a better explanation of the original ideal. But it hit home for me. Partially because the new model is the way I have always felt was most effective.. But mainly because I felt like I was living proof that ministering to people makes a difference in their lives. I didn't feel like a checkmark on someone's to do list... I felt loved. People have served me who were never "assigned" to do so.. and even those who were "assigned" seemed to genuinely want to be there for me unconditionally. It's a bit odd, feeling loved by people you don't really know. Humbling.

Washington still doesn't feel like home. And I still miss Texas. But... I'm grateful for the love I've been shown. I'm amazed by the example of people I've interacted with these last couple months. I know we've been in Washington for a reason, and there are experiences I've had here that I wouldn't trade for anything. And I think my circumstances made it easier for me to focus on my family, and developing my talents, and using them for my family, for which I'm grateful. For those that don't know, we're moving back to Idaho (just a few miles away from where we are now), in just a couple months. And in some ways I'm still glad to get away from certain frustrations.. But I also feel a bit conflicted now too, which I hadn't expected. I am sad to leave the people/ward that have made me feel like a bit like family.

So thank you, to those who have ministered to me, served and shared with me your time and talents. Time means the most to me. Knowing someone was thinking about me, means a lot to me. And that, I think, is what is at the core of ministering...

Heroes

In life, a lot of people seem to cross our path only to never be seen again. Some times we may even be able to anticipate which people in our lives may not be permanent fixtures. And yet, we come to love them and respect them, and often look up to them.

This is a concept that I have often accepted and often struggled with. I myself have received the warning or guidance that I would be put in the position many times in my life to be able to positively touch the lives of those I come in contact with. But I have often felt sad receiving the warning that those people would not become permanent fixtures in my life... that I would only be able to touch them briefly. Because usually, the people whose lives I am aware of having touched, are people who I have come to love very deeply and it is always sad to see them go.

And yet there are probably a hundred people whose lives each of us have touched, and we were completely oblivious to doing it. And there are people who I have thought, they will never know how much they changed my life. And I know that in ten years they probably won't remember me at all, while I will still be feeling grateful for the change they helped to trigger in my life. And sometimes I wish you could hammer into people's heads just how much their actions meant.

I don't really know why I'm writing on this subject tonight, to be honest. Only that it kept coming to my mind and I felt uneasy going to bed without writing it out first. I usually feel uncomfortable when people tell me they are impressed with me in anyway. It feels weird to be praised for things that in a lot of ways are outside of my control. How I respond to what life gives me is within my control of course, but still. And I know that most people feel that way. I used to try really hard to hammer into people's heads just how amazing they were. But it's hard when people can't or won't receive it. And I don't blame them since I'm the same way. Guess it gives me perspective for how people have felt when they were the ones trying to hammer something into my head about myself, ha.

Lately I have been nearly overwhelmed with feelings of adoration for someone I know is going through something really hard. And while I know there's always two sides of a story.. the side you feel inside, and the side you portray to the world... I just feel such a deep respect for the bravery and faith I have been able to witness even from my limited perspective. That's always a hard compliment to give people because I know the immediate response is likely, ha, thanks, but I'm not brave, I'm terrified inside. Or don't call me faithful, because my heart has been overwhelmed with doubt. Even if that's not what they say out loud when responding to you on the matter. And I know how that feels when people compliment you on things that make you feel weak. But even our weaknesses can be strengths to other people. Even our weaknesses can buoy others up when they are feeling just as hopeless. Because no matter how we feel inside, it is our actions that matter most. How we choose to act is what means something to other people, not how scared we were when we did it. And I wish I could adequately portray those feelings.

Heroes aren't perfect. And heroes are rarely the stuff of legend. They aren't always beautiful or strong by the world's standards. And heroes rarely see themselves as heroes.

But, to the person who was friends with me when no one else was, the person who truly listened when no one else did, to the person who loved me when I couldn't love myself, to the person who encouraged me to seek help, to the person who made me want to be better, to the person who accepted me when I was afraid you wouldn't, to the person who held me when I needed to cry, to the person who respected me and taught me what real friendship looked like, to the person who believed me when others didn't, to the person who helped me when I thought I was beyond helping, to the person who made the effort to make it obvious they wanted to be my friend when I was feeling anxiety, to the person who brought me something seemingly small and insignificant when I was feeling forgotten, to the person who smiled through their trials and thanked God despite them, to the person who shared their story with me and helped me feel not so alone, to the person who helped me navigate a difficult trial, to the person who always responds to my texts/emails, to the person who offered to be there for me despite barely knowing me, to the person who let me be 100% me, to the person who forgave me for shutting them out, to the person who made me promise not to hurt myself, to the person who let me serve and pamper them without complaining about it, to the person that kept me going to church when I wanted to quit, to the person who forgave me when I screwed up, to the Savior who died for me that I might live with Him again...

You are my heroes. You are the reason I have grown into who I am today. And no matter how brief the interaction... I am thankful to you for what you did for me. And I wish I could properly express how much you have meant.

I also know that sometimes we deny people the opportunity to be our heroes. We stubbornly tell people we're fine, or that we don't need help when really... what we need feels so silly or weird to ask for, or we feel like we need to do things by ourselves to be successful... When really we just need to let them in. Give them the blessing of being allowed to serve you. Because I know that there have been times in my life when my ability to serve others was the greatest happiness I had ever known.

Be Ye Therefore Whole

So it's been a while! I heard a comment today/yesterday, referring to what parents hope for their children that got my mind going. And so I thought for a moment, "What is it that I hope for my children?" In all honesty, the only major recurring thoughts I've had on this subject are along the lines of "please let them not make the same mistakes I made" and "please let them not face the same trials I faced."

And what I realized today is that that represents a faulty perspective. While I wouldn't necessarily say that I am grateful for the pain caused by the mistakes I've made or the trials I've faced, and do not relish the idea that my children may face/cause similar pain and that realistically I have very little control over those possibilities... On more than one occasion I have felt grateful for who I have become, and what I have been able to accomplish (the friends and acquaintances I have been able to help) because of those experiences. And who am I to wish that my children will not have experiences that in the long run, positively affect their growth as human beings, and as sons and daughters of God? Obviously my kids will make mistakes. Obviously they will face trials. Whether or not they are the same ones I faced is realistically irrelevant. What matters, I decided... or what I should actually hope for my children, is that whatever their mistakes/trials may be... I hope they will learn from those experiences. I hope they will learn what they need in order to use them for the good of those around them.

On a somewhat related note... or at least.. I connected the two ideas when presented with them today. In church today, we discussed the article “Be Ye Therefore Perfect — Eventually” by Jeffrey R. Holland, addressing the concept in the scriptures of being perfect. And by that, I refer to the scripture in Matthew 5:48 reading "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

I don't know about other religions, but this seems to be something that an awful lot of Mormons beat themselves up over. I've been commanded to be perfect, and so far I'm sucking at it, and don't have much hope for achieving it tomorrow either kind of thing. Because we obsess over the modern definition of perfection meaning flawlessness. But, someone in church today referenced a scholar who has researched the original translations and found that "perfect" is better translated as "whole, refined, healthful, complete, having integrity". She didn't know who it was, but I found the following article that seems to match up with what she was talking about. It's really a very good read regardless of your denomination, so I recommend you pop over and take a look: "Be Ye Therefore Perfect:" The Elusive Quest for Perfection by Frank F. Judd (even if you only read the first few sections, it's still very enlightening but all of it is good). He gives an example that seemed to me, almost comical--that poor drunken Noah, who is described in Genesis as "perfect" ought to illustrate the fact that when the scriptures described him as "perfect" they did not mean flawless. I don't know about you, but this feels like a LIFE CHANGING perspective change when it comes to the instruction to be perfect.

Later the author goes on to say that further examples of words being translated as "perfect" connote being "safe, at peace" and that having a perfect heart implies "a life of complete loyalty" despite whatever mistakes or setbacks we experience. (Meaning, YES you can make mistakes and still be achieve "perfection")

For me personally, this spoke to two things. One, the commandment to be perfect/whole spoke to me on a mental health level. As though the commandment were more along the lines of "take care of yourself, take the time to become whole, be healthy" And it also spoke to the concept of eternal growth.

Referring back to my earlier subject of my children learning what they need from their experiences... I think this ties in rather well. We can either experience trials and think, well that sucked, my life sucks, and it's not fair, and "why me, God?" kind of feelings... Or we can use those experiences to be more whole. To become more well-rounded. To develop new strengths, to turn our weaknesses into strengths. We cannot become whole without the experiences this life provides us. Essentially, we are commanded to grow. To take something from what we have experienced each day and use it to fill in one more piece of the puzzle that Heavenly Father has envisioned for who we are capable of being. Religious or not, I think we can all relate to the idea of each experience we have as being things that expand the whole of who we are throughout our lives. And one hopes that we continue that expansion throughout our lives. Someone at church made a comment alone those lines of.. even if I screwed up today, I can decide to be just a little bit better tomorrow. And if every day I'm a little bit better, then it'll be okay. I would also like to point out, that we cannot become whole without relying on Christ and the Atonement. So to be whole, is also a commandment to allow Christ to help us with the slack of our shortcomings.

One last comment, on a bit of a soap box semi-related note.. I heard a few comments today that implied that when we achieve "perfection" we will be practical carbon copies of God. Think like him, talk like him, etc etc. And I seriously disagree. And maybe they didn't mean for their comments to come across exactly the way I took them.. But I think it refers more to being free from anger, lust, hate... it refers to being on message with God, "faith, love, repentance, truth" etc... Having the same qualities and virtues as God is not the same as being a carbon copy of him. I will always be me. I will always be unique. And God will never strip me of that even in "perfection." We can be one in purpose and devotion without being carbon copies of Him or anyone else for that matter.

Anyway, I leave you with a quote from Brigham Young, found in the article I shared above.

"To be as perfect as we possibly can, according to our knowledge, is to be just as perfect as our Father in heaven is. He cannot be any more perfect than He knows how, any more than we."

If we are doing the best we can each day, then we are following the commandment to be like Him. I wish for my children to be whole. To grow every day into who they are meant to be, and to keep finding new pieces of themselves from now, and forever. And I think that's what God wants for us too, as His sons and daughters.

Prayer

I heard someone a while back complaining that they did not have time to pray because they were too busy worrying about their family, and I thought... well.. really, you could just address those worries to God in prayer and spend the same amount of time either way, and accomplish the goal of praying at the same time! And the bonus of directing it to him, is that you open up the possibility of receiving an answer, instead of just continuing to fret. 

There's something about prayer, that is far more cathartic than just thinking about things to yourself, even though, on paper, it may sound very similar to the non-praying person. It's a bit like writing is, for me at least. When I write, I give myself the medium with which to flesh out my thoughts, which helps me to think through them, and understand them better. Better than I would have been able to accomplish just by thinking about them. It can also give me that sense of having expressed myself, as though I had just confessed it all to another human being, but without all the anxiety of wondering how they'll react. Prayer is a lot like that, in that on the days I am sincerely praying, I find myself saying things, and praying for things I had not hitherto realized I even felt or needed. I find myself putting my worries into my Heavenly Father's perspective instead of just my own selfish reality. Things feel manageable, and peaceful, even if they are heartbreaking, because I know He cares, and that as I listen to the Holy Ghost, I can find guidance that I could not have come up with on my own. 

Now, of course, I think this has everything to do with how we are praying. When I think of instructions on how to pray, the first scripture that always comes into my mind is in Matthew 6:5-13. Now, this scripture first teaches us to pray in secret, rather than for the purpose of being glorified and seen by man. Then, it teaches us not to use vain repetitions. Now, it's important, I think to remember that vain can mean two things. It can imply conceit, or it can imply uselessness--something that will produce no result. This teaches us to be humble in our prayers, and it also teaches us that our prayers should be unique each day. I think it also teaches us to be sincere in our prayers, because without that sincerity, they will be "vain," producing no result. 

Now, the part that I have always struggled a little bit with regarding Matthew is the next part, which explains how to pray. Because it feels like a formula for a prayer to be used in repetition. And weren't we just told repetition is no bueno? Of course, there is something to be said for the fact that there can be facets of my prayers that are repeated from day to day, but so long as I am praying them with renewed sincere intent each day, I think that takes away the "vain" aspect that is counseled against. Anyway, what helped me with this section of Matthew, was thinking of it more of a list of categories, rather than a rote prayer.

9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 
This teaches me who our prayers are directed to, and the respect that should be shown.

10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
This teaches me to put things in an eternal perspective, to ask myself the question... Is my will aligned with God's will?

11 Give us this day our daily bread.
This shows me that we can ask God for help with our temporal needs. Whether it is our physical needs, our emotional needs... whatever struggles this Earth life is facing us with, we can ask for help with those things.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
This reminds me to consider what debts I may owe to God. It reminds me to be grateful for my many blessings, and to express that gratitude to Him. It reminds me to ask for forgiveness, and reminds me to relay the same amount of grace, patience, and forgiveness to others, as I hope God will allot to me.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
This shows me to ask for help with our spiritual needs. It reminds me that I can ask him for help with my testimony, my faith, my charity, my doubts. I can ask for strength, to be buoyed up against temptation. 

And lastly, I think it is interesting, and important to consider the meaning of the word "Amen." I remember as a teenager, and as a young adult, feeling some level of frustration when engaging in group prayers where someone else was leading the prayer. Every once in a while it has happened where someone has prayed for something that I did not agree with, and felt like I was being manipulated into something by having to participate in the combined "Amen" at the end of the prayer. I don't know when it happened, but I was finally taught that you don't actually HAVE to say "Amen" and the end of a prayer in those circumstances. Prayer is one thing that we should never feel manipulated by. The meaning of "Amen" is generally considered to be either "This is so" or "So be it." It is an affirmation of agreement. It is an officiating word to validate what has been said. And therefore, if you don't agree, it's dishonest to say Amen! I really appreciated that perspective and it brought me a lot of peace.

Which teaches an interesting principle for our personal prayers. What does it mean for our personal prayers? Why are we instructed to end our prayers with "Amen" ? I think of it a bit like signing a document. At the end we are saying "I certify that everything I have said was true and accurate to the best of my knowledge." This teaches me to be honest with God and to be honest with myself. Thinking back to the idea of "Amen" implying a "So be it" attitude... I think it's also a reminder that prayer gives us the chance to hand things over to God. A final recognition that things are ultimately in His hands, and not my own. It also reminds me to be righteous in my requests, because I cannot ask that God "make it so" if the request itself is unrighteous. 

There is a story in Alma, chapters 31-34 in the Book of Mormon that I think also provides a lot of depth into the principles of how we can and should worship, and how to pray. It's about the Zoramite people and Alma's experience with the distortions of worship and prayer he experienced among them, and of course, teaching them the correct principles. I highly recommend the read. But one thing I will point out that is said in Alma 34:27

27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

This is one of those things that can seem daunting... How can I pray continually? Well, someone recently gave me a suggestion for this that I thought was EXCELLENT, and I wanted to pass along. At least in my little Mormon community, we are taught to pray in the morning, and in the evening. Well, the suggestion was, that in the morning, say your prayer as you normally would, and end it with the customary "Amen" in order to follow the pattern we have been given. But THEN, begin a second prayer. And this second prayer, does not get followed up with an Amen. That way you have a reminder for the day that you have a prayer you have already started to Heavenly Father, one that is unfinished. And you add to that prayer throughout the day whenever things come up. I thought it was a wonderful way to teach the concept of praying continually. Our prayers may customarily end with "Amen" but we can have a prayer in our heart that is ongoing, always, and is never declared "finished" because... our lives are unfinished, and our need to connect with Heavenly Father is never finished. It is a way to keep Christ and Heavenly Father on the forefront of our minds during the day... a reminder that they care for us, a way to involve them in our lives, a reminder that we can ask for help always, and not just in the morning, and at night. It is a way to make them, and the Holy Ghost, our constant companions. And a way to help us see that prayers are for acting upon, and not just something to be said in vain, at the end of the day, when the day is already over.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.

#MormonAndGay Q&A

I have debated the decision to share this a hundred times over. I have told myself that it is not something I want to be defined by or judged by.. I have told myself that it is a part of who I am.. I have told myself that perhaps my words could change some narrative for the better.. I have told myself a lot of things. But the idea has persisted and I feel peace in sharing, which I assume means I have a role to play.

I came across the following quote the other day, and I think I took from it the opposite of what it intended.

"Secrets have power, and that power diminishes when they are shared, so they are best kept secret and kept well. Sharing secrets, real secrets, with even one other person, will change them." - Erin Morgenstern

But what if what I want is for that power to be diminished?

I have known for a long time that I am attracted to women. It is something that during most of my life I have kept on a back burner, but I recognize that it was there. And over the years I have had to come to terms with it more and more. And I hope this will help with that.

• Do I think that I was born that way? I don't know.
• Do I think it is possible to be born that way? It's possible.
• Do I think that God made me that way? No. We seem to get confused I think regarding "creation" and assume that God created our personalities, and tendencies and I don't think that's correct. We existed before we came to this earth, just without bodies. We had already made choices, had our own thoughts, our own opinions, agency. Each of us is unique. While He may be capable of giving man strengths and weaknesses, He did not, could not have micromanaged every aspect of who we are. I think most of it is purely inherent to who we are naturally. Who we've always been from the beginning of time. (Although yes I think we are capable of change, obviously)
• Do I think we are affected by our culture and our experiences? Yes.
• Do I think that God knew that based on who I am, and my experiences, that I might struggle in this area? Yes.
• Did he believe I was capable of handling it? Yes.
• Do I think God wanted me to act on those feelings? No.
• Would he love me either way? Yes.
• Do I believe God is saddened by those who act in contrast to His plan? Yes.
• Do I think acting on those feelings would affect my worthiness to live with God? Yes.
• Do I think having those feelings affects my worthiness to live with God? No.
• Is it hard belonging to a church that does not approve of same-sex relationships? No. I don't believe it's a matter of the church not approving. It's a matter of what I believe God approves of.
• Is it hard listening to people in general say bigoted things? Yes.
• Do I think that the traumas I experienced as a child and teenager have influenced my experience in this arena? Yes.
• Do I think experiencing same-sex attraction first necessitates having had a trauma? No.
• Do I think that God still loves me regardless of those feelings? Yes.
• Do I think that we should act on any and all tendencies we may be faced with in life? No.
• Does that put some unbearable burden on my life that limits my ability for happiness? No.
• Has it been difficult not to act on those feelings? Yes.
• Have I experienced attraction to men? Complicated, but I think so.
• Do I normally experience attraction to men? No.
• Would I consider myself bi or gay? Gay. 
• Do I love my husband? Yes.
• Am I happy with my husband? Yes.
• Did my husband know when I married him? Yes.
• Do I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman? Yes.
• Do I think other people should be free to make choices contrary to my beliefs? Yes.
• Did I think getting married to a man would be a "cure" for my feelings toward women? No. However, because I have made the decision to be loyal to my husband, I think it helps the same way the decision of marital commitment affects anyone. Once you are married, you [should] no longer be looking at others with the same attitude as you did when you were single because your decision has already been made. You're no longer "out shopping" so to speak.
• Do I feel self-hatred because of those feelings? No. While it may make me feel self conscience.. I am fully aware that it is our choices that define us more than our temptations.
• Do I think people should seek "cures" for such feelings? No. I would hope people are able to find the support they need to make choices aligned with their personal values. Because nobody is happy making choices that do not match with their values. And when making choices in line with our values is difficult, we need support.
• Do I worry that the knowledge of this facet of who I am is capable of making my female friends uncomfortable? Yes. Very much yes. I worry about this a lot.
• Do I worry that my family will cease to love me with this knowledge? No.
• Will they struggle with it? Perhaps.
• Do I fear people will no longer want to associate with me given this knowledge? Yes and no. In the long run I feel peace in knowing that if people cannot love me despite knowing this about me, then the relationship wasn't worth it.
• Do I regret not living an alternative lifestyle to the one I have now? No.
• Do I think I would have been happier living that lifestyle? No. Because there is an emptiness to living contrary to God's wishes even if we often do not recognize it. I would rather the companionship of the Holy Ghost.
• Do I think people should be hated, disrespected or discriminated against merely because they are making choices contrary to the ones I would make for myself? No.
• Do I think my experiences affect my perspective? Yes.
• Do I think this experience is capable of teaching me things, and providing me with the necessary empathy to be a blessing in the lives of others? Yes.
• Do I think I can equate my experience with all who experience same-sex attraction? No. We are all unique and experience things differently and to varying degrees.
• Do I think our choices can magnify or reduce any given tendency? With time, yes.
• Do I think any of us should try to judge the struggles of another? No. Worry about yourself.
• Do I think that should stop people from fighting for their personal values? No.
• Do I believe this one attribute defines me? No. There is a lot more to me than one attribute. And I would hope others would see that too.

And that is a small part of my story. If it's awkward you can tell me. If it's not awkward you can tell me that too. Or you can pretend you don't know. That's up to you. I won't respond to hate or disrespect or annoyance in general.. But I will answer any question asked with love, even if it is awkward. That's my rule.

Varying Defenses

This is a little more sensitive than I usually go, but it felt worth mentioning. From time to time I have a certain genre of nightmares that hit too close for home. I really can't complain because they used to plague me. So, the occasional is better than the consistent. To make a long story short... in some ways I suppose I have even been grateful for these dreams.. because they are one of the reasons why I have a testimony of prayer. Because, you see, they didn't cease being a plague in my life until I prayed for them to stop. And, like I said, it's a longer story than that, but if you ever want to know you'll ask ;) I went years without having them after that prayer though.. and it was a sabbatical I greatly needed in my life at that time. It was such a breath of relief.

However, sometimes I find that prayer is not the immediate answer. In regard to these dreams... I often find it very difficult to pray because I cannot close my eyes afterwards without being bombarded with the very visuals I am wishing would leave me be. That effect can sometimes haunt me for days afterwards. In these instances, I find that my saving grace is being able to read the scriptures. They help me feel the spirit, help me clear my mind of my troubles, help me re-center my thoughts on the Savior, and bring me peace. Even after that, I often pray with my eyes open so as not to re-invite unwanted visuals from my nightmares, but I feel able to pray again, having been renewed in my defenses against the adversary. That is one of the many blessings we can receive from doing the things we've been asked by God to do, like reading the scriptures, praying, serving others... Renewed strength against the adversary.

And that is the moral of the story.. Heavenly Father knows us, and he knows that sometimes we need to find Him, find that strength and defense from the firey darts of the adversary, through different avenues in life depending on our present needs at any given time.  So just like each of us have different learning styles (auditory, visual, tactile, etc).. he provides us with different ways we can reach out to Him, learn from Him, and gain access to the Holy Ghost. And I certainly won't try to name all the possible avenues, because I'm sure that varies nearly as much as each of us varies... But it seems to me, an evidence of how well our Heavenly Father knows us, loves us, and wants to help us. Sometimes we just have to try different things to figure out what will work in whatever unique circumstance we're in, in order to find the technique that will bring us His much needed peace and protection that day.

Acknowledging the Elephant

Excuse me while I sound a bit like I'm speaking from my soapbox for a moment.. I spoke a while back about the idea that our trials, experiences or temptations, character flaws or mistakes.. don't have to define us. It can be tempting sometimes to feel overwhelmingly defined by certain things we struggle with..

What I decided tonight is that while we certainly should not feel any obligation to be defined by any one aspect of ourselves.. especially when it overwhelms us... it is okay to accept things into our concept of who we are. Sometimes trying to pretend like things don't exist makes them that much more overwhelming.. I think it has the ability to make it seem more important than it really is.. Feeling like we have a hidden factor of our identity that none or few people know... can feel like the elephant in the room, even if you're fully aware that you're the only one in the room that senses the elephant. Or you hope you're the only one ;)

So, while I still don't think I'd recommend letting any one thing overwhelmingly control your concept of self, or your concept of anyone's identity really... I do think it's good/okay to incorporate new things. 

I've discussed the concept of labeling theory with quite a few people over the years. Receiving a label can be scary because you don't want to be defined by that label, or by the stereotypes of that label. But at the same time I think receiving a label can be very helpful because it can open the door to resources otherwise unavailable, and it can help answer a lot of questions. And having an explanation for why you are the way you are can be very soothing and relieve concerns regarding shame.

But the way it feels like it applies here, to me anyway, is that perhaps defining yourself or others by a solitary thing is where the negative aspects of labeling theory come in (self fulfilling prophecies, stereotypes, etc).. whereas, if we are able to incorporate new (or old) trials, experiences, temptations etc into our concept of self... rather than let these new additions replace our old self-concepts.. if we acknowledge them instead of ignoring them.. then we better enable ourselves to deal with them, combat them, build upon them, we enable ourselves to progress rather than remain stagnant. And I'm not necessarily saying you have to or should acknowledge these things to people in the world.. that's something only you could decide..

I'm merely saying that I believe there is a lot of power in giving yourself access to that knowledge (admitting it to yourself) without allowing it to define you. 

Chocolate Promptings

Today I had one of those small, seemingly insignificant things happen that ended up being rather comforting. I went to a meeting today, and before I left I grabbed a piece of chocolate from the bag my husband had bought me for Mother's Day because he knew my stash needed replenishing. Very sweet since he's doing a no sugar diet himself right now. I will always admire his ability for self control.

Anyway, I wasn't even really in the mood for the piece of chocolate so I wasn't entirely sure why I was grabbing it but I did anyway. Driving to my meeting I thought about eating it, but still, only because it was there and not really because I wanted it, so I figured I'd save it for my drive home. After the meeting, (which was good for me by the way, for multiple reasons, I laughed, I felt inspired, I felt lifted, but otherwise it's a totally different story from the one I'm currently telling!).. anyway, after the meeting I stopped at Walmart to get one last cardboard box for the cardboard castle I'm making for my son's birthday party this weekend. Walking through any grocery store is always hard for me. I know you wouldn't think it to look at me but desserts are such a temptation for me. I see all the yummies and I want the yummies!

But, I told myself that I still had that piece of chocolate waiting for me in the car to satisfy the craving, and therefore had no need to buy anything else while at the store. Now.. I know this seems small and random, but I've been praying to be helped in not spending money I don't need to spend, including money on tempting yummies.. and so the fact that I had been prompted to bring that piece of chocolate with me when I didn't even want it at the time... when it allowed me to say No to the food in the store.. was very comforting. And I'm sure it makes my dear hubby proud ;)

It's just one of those things where you know... that if Heavenly Father can care about the smaller problems in your life, and help prepare you for them.. then he certainly cares enough about you to help prepare you for the larger problems in life too. He's not necessarily going to fix them right away or take the issue away, or magically put candy in your hands.. but he can guide us as to what we need to bring along on our journeys to be most fit for the challenges coming our way, even if that just requires a little piece of chocolate :) it's just up to us to listen even when the instructions don't always make sense in the moment.

Providence in Healing

My second week going to the Addiction Recovery Program meetings, someone shared their story with the disclaimer statement of "I don't usually go into this much detail, but I'm feeling prompted to tonight for whatever reason." I was at least one of those reasons. His story was exactly what I needed to hear that day. It helped me feel like there was indeed a reason for me to be going to these meetings. And it put into words things I hadn't quite figured out yet. It didn't matter that his story was different than mine, we had things in common that were helpful for me.

Yesterday I think I had the opportunity to do that for someone else. It was interesting because while the step was good yesterday, nothing really stood out for me especially--at least in part because I'm not really there yet. So when it came to sharing time I was pretty sure I was going to pass. And when it came to start sharing time two different people raised their hands to start the sharing. Had a different person been called on, I probably wouldn't have shared what I did. So there's your "coincidence" / inspiration of the missionaries that lead the group that set the scene (providence). I was still feeling pretty certain I was going to pass until the same person shared that had been the one to go into more detail during my second time attending the group. I have no idea what triggered it... it really didn't have anything to do with what he said... I just began to think about how honest and meek the men are that attend the group. I was thinking about how I still have a lot to learn from them when it comes to being able to admit my struggles. And that's when my thoughts began to form regarding what I was to share. I almost changed my mind when someone further down the line shared something. Certain worries came to mind...And I admit, there are a few people in the group that know me and I worry about their perspectives of me changing with fuller knowledge of my struggles. But I'm not the only one in the group that knows other people there. Other people have commented on it being harder to share knowing people there, and they did it anyway because it's supposed to be a safe space, because healing is more important than fear of judgement. And because part of healing is accepting that you can't control what others think of you. And I had to remind myself that the knowledge I have of their struggles doesn't affect how I think of them, and so I had to trust in them just like they trust in me when they share. That's hard. But it's also something I need to practice, and I know it.

Anyway, I essentially commented on my admiration for the willingness of the others in the group to be so open and forthright before sharing my struggle in a little more detail than I ever had previously. My hands were shaking and my anxiety was still high regarding what the consequence might be of certain people learning this about me, but yknow, by then, it had already been said, so what could I do now? And I still doubted whether or not it was even a good idea.. but there was still a whisper in my mind that there was a reason it had entered my mind. It was not an accident.

Finally, someone after me shared... and their story was nearly identical to my own. It was their first time sharing. And a peace entered my heart because I felt an assurance that I had set the scene for them to feel safer sharing their own story. That's not to say that I was without any sense of anxiety regarding previously stated concerns... but the peace made it worth it. And one of the most important parts of healing I think, is being able to help others again. And that someone thanked me for sharing after the meeting was over. And another sweet soul gave me a hug after the meeting. The meetings really are special because I think we really do love and care for one another and each other's progress even if we don't really know each other.

I began to wish that the person I feel anxiety over would be inspired to come up to me after the meeting and express some assurance. But that didn't happen, I even had the thought that I could approach them, but they were gone in a flash. But someone else came up to me and did that very thing. And it's not someone I really felt that much anxiety over, but it was still sweet of course. And it felt like another moment of providence... maybe it wasn't the someone I was hoping for, but assurance was given, and it made me feel God's love for me.

There is peace in providence despite whatever consequences that may or may not come.

Forging Identity, Eternal Family

I took part in a conversation recently where someone was describing someone's fears for being judged for his past. Someone else retorted something along the lines of "then just don't talk about your past." I generally keep my mouth shut in these kinds of moments, not necessarily because I don't want to make it a point of confrontation, because if it's important enough to me, I will anyway.. but more so because I can't easily reply without revealing more about myself than the situation makes comfortable.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I would feel if I were in the position of investigating the LDS church. Could I be converted to the point of being willing and eager to change my habits and my lifestyle? Would I be brave enough to change? Would I be humble enough to let go of so many ideas I had grown up with? Would I be meek enough to deal with any judgement I may receive from imperfect members regarding my imperfect life? The thought has really put the character of converts in perspective for me. I have come to really honor and respect that willingness to accept truths that have the power to create so much change in your life. To be willing to act on it regardless of the personal sacrifice and humility required.. that is awe inspiring.

I understand the fear of putting yourself in a room full of people, or a church full of people who may not agree with your life choices. I understand the fear of judgement for your past, and even your present. We each have faults and regardless of how many times we say that we're aware everyone has them, it does not take away our fear that someone will judge us for our unique situation. Sometimes I feel so encased and surrounded by my own struggles that it feels hard to consider that suggestion to just "not talk about it" because it's a big part of what I'm experiencing, what I have experienced... and how do you get to know someone without learning those things? And I'm totally willing to admit that that speaks to a personal character weakness of mine. But the point is, sometimes feeling like you can't talk about something makes you feel like you're about to explode. If things are fully resolved, I think it's easier to just "not talk about it."

When I first mentioned that I was attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I think I mentioned that a big part of why I was going was to figure out a new perspective on my identity. The issue being that I realized that I have incorporated too much of my problems into my personally defined "identity" which causes a lot of problems. The ARP program is pretty centered on the atonement and focusing on God's intended identity for you. My point being, that that feeling of "needing to talk about it" comes from feeling like it's part of my identity and you can't know me without knowing about it. When really, it's not a prerequisite for "knowing" me... my identity is not only one thing. I am made up of lots of moments and thoughts and feelings. One moment is not necessarily greater than the combined whole of a thousand other things. I am not my flaws. I am not my struggles. I am who I choose to be because of or despite of those things. Good to remind myself of that ;)

I think the greatest change that can come to a convert's identity by accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ... is gaining the knowledge that they are a child of God. I think sometimes members forget that a little bit and focus more on all the negative things they are.. but forever and always, one of the biggest parts of our identity will be royal children of a Heavenly Father. No matter what our faults are, they should never be cause for someone who understands that you are a child of a Heavenly Father, to ever stop loving you or caring for you. Because we're family. And you are royalty. 

So regardless of your past, and regardless of your present, there will always be cause for acceptance and love, in the LDS Church.

It took me a long time to figure out family. I remember being really frustrated with a friend of mine back in high school for putting her family first. I didn't get that. I'd hang out with a friend over family any day. I won't describe right now, the moments that it hit me.. but one day I realized that it didn't matter what relationship or lack thereof I had with my family.. I loved them with all my heart. And I wanted to be sealed to them for eternity because that was a sacred bond worth upholding. It didn't matter if I was close to them or if I liked them at any given moment, or if we'd ever even met. They were family. It's one of the few things I think really puts the LDS church apart from other Christian churches.. the concept that you can be sealed to your family, and to your spouse, to your children--for eternity. A promise from God that you will be with them no matter what happens on this earth. I think.. had I grown up without the church.. that principle is what would have led me to be baptized had I been put in a position to investigate the church. At least I hope so. Because it allowed me to have hope for relationships with family members who aren't even alive anymore with whom I did not have pleasant relationships with.

Someone said something recently that really stuck out to me.
"You can talk to God about anything because he won't judge you. It's not his time to judge yet."

That really synced for me with the idea that life isn't about the sum total of your good and bad deeds or experiences.. it's who you become because of them. God doesn't judge us now, because we're still working on the becoming. I found it really comforting. And regardless of those individual moments that make up our unique lives.. we have all been endowed with the power of creation. And part of that power is the ability to create ourselves. To create our identity, who we become. I hope I can be more like those converts. Humble, and so loving and dedicated to the Lord's plan that I have that willing heart to become who He needs me to become, rather than who I would be tempted to be without him.