When Loved Ones Trust in The Atonement

I had an experience this week that made me think back to the "Senior Capstone" class at BYU Idaho. The point of the class was essentially supposed to be an exercise in decision making to prepare us for the real world, kind of thing. Each week we were presented with a new, controversial case and you'd have to write a paper explaining why you picked choice A or choice B. Some of them were easy and some of them definitely did not feel black and white. I don't remember the specifics of this particular case anymore but it must have been related to pornography. What I do remember was what happened during the discussion day when we were discussing it in class. There was a girl in our class who spoke up and said that if she found out that her boyfriend or fiancé had at one point been addicted to pornography, then she would break up with him no questions asked. And I remember thinking that was really really sad, and realistically didn't bode well for her future. To be fair... I don't know how old she was and perhaps by now she has wised up (not that age necessarily has anything to do with maturity).. but as prevalent as pornography is these days.. there's a pretty large percentage of the population, even among "good Christian folk" who struggle at one point or another with pornography (or drugs or alcohol or what have you). Saying you'll never date or marry a guy who's ever struggled with pornography or addiction in general definitely limits your dating pool. Not that it's bad to have high standards.. and in her position (especially since she wasn't married yet and since it's a hypothetical situation with little details anyway), if she didn't feel able to be a supportive future spouse for someone with that weakness then perhaps it would be better for them both not to be in a relationship with each other.. Especially if you're assuming the temptation is ongoing and not totally "in the past." But I'll tell you what really bothered me about the implications of that standpoint..

What it said to me was that she didn't have a real solid testimony of the atonement. She was denying the possibility that the atonement could totally absolve him of that past sin, and that it would be a permanent mark upon his character..  Now, I will acknowledge that addictions can create a weakness that may require your spouse to serve as a support in that area.. If your spouse is aware of that weakness they can help you avoid things that may act as triggers or things like that.. But to say that it is a permanent mark upon their character or that it makes them less valuable as a significant other is certainly not fair. Each of us are tempted by different things in life and it is being confronted by those struggles that teaches us what we need to learn and helps us grow stronger. In some things we are awesome and choose "no!" from  the very beginning, and in other things we falter. But no matter how  long it takes us to learn the lesson, we can still learn it. Doesn't matter how many times we mess up.. Learning the lesson is what mattered. Heavenly Father can still make our weaknesses be our strengths. Our experiences give us unique perspective that are meant to put us into the correct position in order to better serve specific people in our lives. And THAT is sacred, and awesome.

Today in church we were talking about how there are an awful lot of people who have faith in Christ... But what a lot of people seem to struggle with is believing that Christ's promises apply to them, and not just everybody else. I recently heard someone say that while they could believe Christ would forgive them.. they were afraid they wouldn't be able to find a spouse that was equally capable of believing Christ had forgiven them for their mistakes. Boy did that resonate with me! I have certainly struggled in life with believing that Christ's promises would truly apply to me, that I could be forgiven by Him.. And when I finally started to feel like I could be forgiven by Him, it seemed absolutely impossible that people around me--friends, family, my husband.. could believe so fully in the atonement as to treat me the same if they found out my flaws that had required repentance. And it has been an absolutely powerful, wonderful experience to witness that love and acceptance and forgiveness from people, especially my husband. Even if I do still experience some anxiety about the thoroughness of that acceptance and forgiveness, I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

What was sweet this week was hearing someone recount of the support they had experienced from their spouse during struggles with temptation... And I felt such an immediate love and respect for their spouse for being able to be so supportive and forgiving. It immediately shouted to me, the level of their character and their testimony in the atonement! I wanted so badly to be able to talk to them and express that respect... and attempt to explain the level of gratitude that their spouse must feel.. And how beautiful and sacred it is to me, to be able to view them in that light... but for now, the circumstances don't allow that conversation to happen, and realistically, words can't sufficiently express my thoughts on the matter. Still, maybe one day I'll get the chance. For now, this will have to do! I think it was also helpful that given what I know about said spouse, I totally believe them capable of such a wonderful testimony of the atonement, and being the objective third-party on looker in a situation.. made it feel more real I guess that it was possible in my own life.

Moral of the story though.. is that the Lord can forgive us. Each of us, not just everybody else. And while people may not forgive as perfectly as the Lord, making it difficult for us to fully comprehend His forgiving abilities... people can be pretty awesome too. And while addictions, or temptations or trials or traumatic experiences suck, and can remain in our memory our whole lives... they can be just a memory. They don't have to be actively part of our daily life affecting our daily choices as struggles. Utilizing the atonement means asking the Lord for His help in carrying our burdens, and let's be honest.. the Lord is pretty buff and does a lot more of the work than we do, so long as we ask.

When Weak Things Become Strong

I saw an interesting blog the other day that was about a girl who felt as though it took leaving her Faith to find her faith. She felt as though her spirit had been broken, trying to fit a mold she just didn't fit. She believed the gospel, but felt unaccepted for her differences from the ideal, perfect woman in her religion. Really the story just made me sad for her experiences. It is a shame when people reject others because of their differences, or because their life took a turn perhaps others don't understand. She felt like she was most able to find her faith when she was able to break out of the expectation of fitting the mold. Which I think makes sense. While perhaps it wasn't her exact message, to me it sounded as though she felt like she had been utilizing her blog to talk about keeping strong with the faith when in reality she felt a bit like she was drowning. I have felt that worry I think when I do occasionally post things of a religious nature because I don't want people to get an inflated idea of who I am. I don't mean to misrepresent my strengths so to speak.

The reality I think we forget when reading the words of others that these things are on their mind for a reason. Often, I think, because that has been the very area in which they have been struggling. Often in life I have considered the passage of scripture:

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I suppose I have thought this to mean that we are able to turn our weaknesses, trials, struggles into our strengths because they help us turn to the Lord and the Lord then makes us strong. Which I think is true. But the flaw in my reasoning I think, is that I was thinking about it a bit like... learning to ride a bike. That it became permanent trait/skill. Once you learn, you don't forget. Perhaps you can get a bit rusty, lose the ability to perform tricks (if you were ever that cool) but you don't forget the basics of how to ride. And I had a hard time imagining my weaknesses becoming strengths that were that well ingrained in my soul. Or at least, I didn't feel like I had ever really witnessed it happen in myself.

But I think it doesn't just have to be thought of in that way. I think it applies on a much more temporary level too. In that moment when we are feeling weak, like we are overwhelmed or drowning, we often turn to the Lord. And the Lord can help us find the strength we need through talks on Sunday, wise words from friends, words from the scriptures, or through our own quiet contemplation in prayer. In the moment that we have that "Ah Ha" moment that buoys us up, our weakness has been strengthened. So it makes sense that things we feel the most unqualified to discuss in the gospel because of our own failings, may be things that we are able to find wisdom in, because it is not we who have found that strength, but the Lord who has given it to us. And obviously, He's pretty awesome in that category, when we but ask for his aid.

I think the issue then becomes that it is so easy to lose that humility that turned us toward the Lord. We can forget how much we needed him in that hour of need. And that may allow time to slowly degrade that strength back into a weakness again. And sometimes I think, we only need those strengths for a certain time or season, much like the blessings missionaries receive that may only last while they are out serving.

The calling I currently have at church has me going to a meeting every Thursday with the missionaries in our ward. The first several times attending these meetings I sort of felt overwhelmed. Not necessarily during the meeting because it is easy enough to sit in a chair and listen to other, wiser, more involved people chat back and forth, and perhaps make the occasional quip. But I certainly felt extremely unqualified. How could I brainstorm ideas to help people who were trying to find the gospel when I myself felt a bit like I was drowning? And the people there, especially my female counterpart just seemed so on top of things, dedicated, sincere, willing and happy to serve. Now, I'm not generally one for comparisons, so it's not that this observation was what was making me feel down on myself, just... life circumstances. It seemed a bit like that was the expectation, and I felt incapable of living up to that necessarily. Now, I don't know that at this point in my life I would try to argue that I am any more capable or qualified, or ready to magnify that calling... but I feel less like I am drowning, and more like I am swimming towards... something. So, it's less daunting at any rate. And the focus I have right now on deflating any self-shaming helps me feel less disappointed in where I am even if it does fall far below that of those around me.

The journey I have been on has been interesting because there have been those around me that have applauded the progress I've made... But I suppose I think that the applause goes more to the Lord than to myself. Because I'm not making these changes. I'm not making this progress. It's the Lord that's giving it to me as I attempt to turn aspects of my life over to him. It is not my strength, but His. I feel... dishonest I suppose, in a sense, when people praise my strength... because I do not think it is mine. Anyway.. moral of the story I suppose is that... we don't have to fit within the mold to find the strength the Lord wants us to have. Hopefully some of that made sense ;)

#MormonAndGay

My Facebook feed has fairly recently been filling up with this hashtag. Not overwhelmingly so, but it's there. I didn't learn until today that it wasn't just some separate group of Mormons that was instigating this. Instead, there's a legitimate link connected to lds.org that is dedicated to this subject:

https://mormonandgay.lds.org/

I'm not entirely sure how to best describe my thoughts on this subject without things getting too personal for me. But aside from any personal feelings I may have on the matter.. I think most of us recognize this is a sensitive issue. Most of us in this day and age have probably known someone, even if they weren't a Mormon someone, who identified as gay, lesbian or bi-sexual etc. I have also come across members of the church who identify, or have identified as experiencing same-sex attraction. We love these people. And no one wishes sadness or hardship on those they love. I should make one thing absolutely clear. No struggle in this life, regardless of any one person's opinions of said struggle, qualifies a person for being hated or abused or disliked or anything of the kind. Each of us experiences trials uniquely suited for our personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etc... and are designed to help us build the tools Heavenly Father needs us to have to be of the most use to Him. It's up to us to figure out what we are supposed to learn, and how we can best utilize the lessons we have learned in order to bring people to Christ.

That being said, I think the idea that society should accept any or all inclinations as "normal" or "okay" is naive regardless of whether or not people are born that way or whether it is due to their experiences and choices in life. Take pedophilia for example. For the most part, we as a society, do not accept this as acceptable behavior. We deem children to be unable to protect themselves, unable to carry the weight of sexual activity, and therefore unfit to make such decisions or engage in such relationships. If that opinion were to change, then there would be no reason, under the current political atmosphere, for sexual relationships between an adult and a child to be prohibited. As it is, it's probably a little shaky anyway since we already have policies in place to try children as adults for serious crimes committed. Gut reaction? That'll never happen. But, you know what... people criticized the LDS Church for not supporting the Equal Rights Act despite the fact that the Church teaches that men and women are equal. The Church's issue was not with giving women more rights, the issue was the holes and connotations of the Act that would allow other things it would not support such as co-ed bathrooms, or forcing women to join the draft. Everyone said "that will never be an issue" "that's ridiculous" and I remember thinking the same thing when I learned about it myself. But look where we are today...

Now, I know it seems rather unfair to compare gays to pedophiles, and I do not mean any offense by that. Like I said, all struggles are legitimate. I do not believe that experiencing an attraction to children makes someone a terrible person. That person wants to feel love, give love, be loved, just like anyone else. And often those feelings are a symptom of their own life experiences. And Heavenly Father understands how our experiences effect our bodies and our minds better than any of us do. Just because they feel like that love can only be experienced with a child, does not make their feelings illegitimate, and it does not make them a terrible person. Acting on it is what is wrong. And I feel sorry for any person who struggles with something they find contrary to their personal values. What makes it wrong is that children are in fact, not ready to carry the weight of those kinds of relationships, and, of course, I do not believe Heavenly Father approves of any relationship that limits spiritual or personal growth. Regardless of the attraction or temptation, we cannot just accept it in order to avoid offending someone. You may say that they can never be happy if we do not make them feel comfortable in the lifestyle they are inclined to follow, and they should have the same rights and chances to be happy as anyone else, but we simply cannot, and do not make laws based on that idea. I may be inclined to steal in order to be "happy" but that doesn't mean it should be legal. I may be inclined to kill people, but that doesn't make it right or legal. Perhaps I feel like I cannot experience joy without hurting people, that still doesn't make it right. It doesn't matter if it's between "consenting individuals." We do not accept this excuse in any other circumstance, but for some reason, we have applied it to the gay narrative. I understand the argument, and I feel the pain of knowing someone may not be able to express their love. That is truly saddening. I have worn those shoes, struggling with things contrary to my values, and it sucks. But it doesn't make them right.

When I first began researching the Church's stance on same-sex attraction back in high school, I was so incredibly glad to find that the Church agreed with this notion that no struggle makes someone inherently unworthy of gospel blessings. The church does not support any extra-marital sexual relationships. Doesn't matter if you're straight or gay. Many people argue that that stance should not prevent the church from supporting gay marriage. But, the fact of the matter is, one of our primary beliefs is that there are spirits waiting in Heaven to be born. And they cannot have the blessings of celestial glory, experience the joy of life, or family, experience personal growth, or gain the experience of finding and choosing Christ on this earth.. without a body. A body is required for growth. And the fact of the matter is that homosexual relationships cannot fulfill that sacred responsibility to create life. Therefore, they are contrary to the plan of God. The fact of the matter remains that we were not sent to this earth just to experience joy and intimacy. We were sent here to learn, to create life, and to grow closer to God. And if homosexual relationships are contrary to God's plan, we cannot grow closer to him by choosing a life contrary to His plan. We cannot grow to be the greatest tool in His hands if we are not striving to fulfill his plan for our lives. Consider for a moment the concept that all our trials and struggles, whether physical, mental, emotional, situational... they'll all disappear in the "next life." If same-sex attraction is nothing more than one of those struggles and it all just disappears... Wouldn't it be sad if that had been one of your primary focuses on identity and growth, and then it was all just stripped away? There are other things, than just our sexuality, regardless of your sexuality, that should be prioritized in life. Helping people come to Christ is one of them.

I will certainly never argue that it is fair. The notion that someone may go through life feeling unable to connect with someone in that special way regardless of the reason, whether it be because they never get married, because they feel an attraction they cannot act on, whatever the reason... that sucks. But life isn't fair for any of us. We all experience things in life that aren't "fair." We all experience things we wish we could change but cannot. That does not make any of us entitled to anything. We are not entitled to "fairness." That does not mean we cannot find joy. Plenty of people never get married. Plenty of people never get what they want. That does not mean we cannot overcome our trials even if they continue to taunt us our entire lives. We are stronger than that. We are more creative than that. Plenty of people go through sucky life experiences, growing up in orphanages and foster care, or being abused in childhood and/or adulthood, or even simply being a woman among chauvinists, or a minority surrounded by racists. The effects of those trials may never leave those people. They may be haunted by them the rest of their lives. But that does not mean they cannot experience joy. Obviously we should do all we can to limit those kinds of things from happening to people, which you may argue is cause to support gay marriage, but like I said... our experiences help us grow to be the tools God needs, and our choices are meant to be ones that align with God's plan. Take away the struggle and perhaps you are taking away that opportunity for growth. No matter our struggles, we are all children of God. We have divine potential. We are loved. In short, we are all awesome. And the beauty of the atonement is that Jesus experienced all pain and temptation. He understands, and knows we can endure. Because he knows just exactly what our potential is. He knows exactly how awesome you are. Trust in that.

Now, on a more relevant note regarding the hashtag, #MormonAndGay... I wonder how many people are wondering how this relates to the comment Elder Bednar made a while back about how there are no gay Mormons. I thought I'd clarify this and talk on it for a moment. Realistically, this is one of those quotes that is taken out of context and has loads more meaning, and makes loads more sense when put in context. The full quote:

"I want to change the question–there are no homosexual members of the Church. We are not defined by sexual attraction. We are not defined by sexual behavior. We are sons and daughters of God and all of us have different challenges in the flesh. . . . Simply being attracted to someone of the same gender is not a sin."

Elder Bednar is by no means attempting to argue that there are no members who experience same-sex attraction. Far from it. He is merely attempting to change the narrative. What he is arguing is that our sexual preference should not be something we consider paramount to our personal identity. I do not consider my attraction toward brunettes as part of my identity. I do not include my love of chocolate as part of my identity. No matter how high on my list of priorities it may be, that still doesn't mean it is part of my identity. I would be considered a strange one indeed if in every introduction I declared my love of cheese as being one of the top things you needed to know about me. Even more "normal" things, like a love of dogs, that very well may be something people include as something people should know about them... doesn't have to be part of their "identity." My identity is first and foremost, a child of God. I am a daughter, a woman, a wife, a mother, I am not my likes and dislikes. I am not my good and bad choices. I am not my trials or traumas. I am not my mental or physical illnesses. I am who I become because of those things. But I am not THEM. And only I can decide who I become because of those things. Thus why one of my favorite quotes is:

"We conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become."
-Dallin H. Oaks

This is why the church does not tell people who experience same-sex attraction to bite the bullet and marry someone of the opposite sex. Because it would be more miserable to pretend to be interested in something you're not, and unfair to the other person in that partnership, and "going through the motions" is not what our Heavenly Father wants from us. If someone first feels that they have overcome their same-sex attraction and feels they are able to experience heterosexual attraction, then yes, marriage is one of our primary goals as Latter-day saints. But that change is paramount, and not everyone may experience that change in this life. If you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan to show us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become, then you must believe that making choices congruent with that plan should be priority number one. I, for one, am interested in seeing the potential my Heavenly Father sees in me, and doing what I can to reach that potential, rather than focusing first on my personal pleasure.

I totally understand the difficulty in not tying one's sexual preferences into their identity. Society has taught us that it is, and it is easy to become a product of societal expectations and beliefs. Might I share the following quote from Elder Holland:

“You serve yourself poorly when you identify yourself primarily by your sexual feelings. That isn’t your only characteristic, so don’t give it disproportionate attention. You are first and foremost a son of God, and He loves you."

I think that is a wonderful way of putting it. Do not underestimate yourself, your identity, or your potential. We each have a thousand personal characteristics, the combination of which make us unique. Who we become because of those combinations are unique. But there is no reason to put one characteristic above the others. Do not give it disproportionate attention. Do not forget your other qualities. Don't forget that you have a hundred talents you could foster, a hundred passions. God did not put us down on earth to experience only sadness or only joy. We need both in our lives. The church is not necessarily trying to push people to forget the characteristic of experiencing same-sex attraction. Merely focus on the growth we can experience by cultivating our other traits. And remember, nobody's worth or value is lessened because of the struggles they experience or the mistakes that they make.

By no means, do I expect everyone and their dog to agree with me. By no means, do I expect that the world will ever accept this notion without divine intervention... By no means do I expect anyone's opinion to change who is not already on the fence. By no means do I intend to insult, hurt or slight anyone or their experiences. And I certainly do not intend to imply that mine is the only opinion that is valid. All I am saying... is that the ability to act on one's impulses is not a prerequisite for happiness... You CAN be gay, and Mormon, and live fully within the guidelines of gospel principles, and be HAPPY. I'm certainly not saying it isn't hard. Lot's of things are hard. But it is possible. And Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But he loves us enough not to encourage us to seek only temporary, earthly happiness. He wants us to seek eternal happiness. Eternity is a lot longer than just today. Plenty of us have been willing to eat our undesired vegetables in order to earn dessert. It may be hard to apply that to the grand scheme of things... but... hard things often have big rewards.

And, if you have made it to the end of this blog... you deserve dessert ;D Let me know if you ever need to cash in. If proximity allows, I'll certainly comply ;D Unless you're some random dude I don't know 😜

Burdens Carried

Sorry it's been a while yet. Lately I've been dwelling on things I keep close to the vest.. So I haven't necessarily known what to say to this audience necessarily. I prolly still don't, but wanted to post something if for no other reason than to release some anxiety by writing.

The other day I came across this story and it seems appropriate to share at this time:

One evening a few years ago, I was interviewing adults for renewal of their temple recommends. A middle-aged woman came in for her interview. She had been married in the temple and was active in the Church all her life.

I sensed a deep sadness in her soul. As the interview progressed, I received a spiritual impression. I said to her, “Sister, I have the impression that you made a serious mistake when you were a teenager that you haven’t confessed to a priesthood leader. Would you be willing to tell me about it?”

She immediately began to cry. She told me that was true, but she had always felt too embarrassed to confess it to a bishop. As she confessed what she had done, she shared sufficient detail for me to make a determination of her worthiness.

The confession of her sin to a priesthood leader marked the end of her repentance process rather than the beginning. She had unnecessarily carried the burden and sorrow of that sin for more than 30 years.

Because she had completed the final step of repentance, her guilt was swept away. I would occasionally see her after the night of that interview. Her countenance became bright, and she was happy.... [and] was relieved of feelings of guilt that she had carried far too many years.

This is something I understand. I was actually very grateful to come across this story because it was one of those confirming moments of "I am not alone." I remember sitting in a bishop's office in college, confessing something that had happened over ten years prior, feeling a little worried the bishop would think I was a tad silly for telling him about something so old.... but also confident, because of the nature of what had happened, that I absolutely needed to take care of it with a bishop. I was certainly embarrassed and full of sorrow, but also grateful for the opportunity to cease carrying the burden on my own, and instead, allow the Savior to take it from me. Realistically it's still something I continue to carry, but I know I am not carrying it alone, even if I haven't been able to completely give it to the Lord yet. And, for that I am grateful.

It makes me sad to think that there are probably many people in this boat, carrying their burdens alone because they have yet to take the courage to get help in giving them away to the Lord. 'Cause it sucks to be in that boat.

I was reading through some emails the other day and found a friend's account of her impressions of me before we had ever spoken. I'll share some of what she said.

I remember looking at you sometimes and thinking that you looked tired or sad- but that you probably wouldn't tell me if I asked anyway.

I suppose I find that interesting. I don't remember specifics from the time period... but I know I was in a spiritual low point at the time and often found myself feeling sullen at church where she had the most opportunity to observe my mood. I mean it's always interesting to see what people thought of you before you became friends, or even early in your friendship... but really I've always been impressed by the level of intuition that observation required. Rarely do I wear my emotions on my face obviously enough for the average person to notice and only when I really don't give a crap haha. Happens more often when I'm grumpy ;) What it comes down to I think, is that I was carrying a burden, a few perhaps. Not "burdens" in the above context meaning ones that needed to be taken to a bishop, but burdens none the less. Burdens that could have been lightened had I found a way at the time to ask my Heavenly Father for help in carrying them, healing them. Burdens can be traumas, trials, sins... no matter the reason, they weigh on our souls and in the long run can effect our countenance. And that is most easily observed by people listening to the Holy Ghost. I look forward to the next chance I have to be prompted by the Spirit, assuming I am smart enough to act on it... so that I can help someone figure out how to lighten their burdens.. wether thats by encouraging them to take it to the Lord, or by listening and becoming their friend. It's a wonderful blessing to help someone lighten their load.

Kintsugi

I'll go ahead and dedicate this blog to my dear sister in law, who had mishaps in her morning that inspired this post. All thanks to a broken trashcan! I'm not the first to have this idea, but it was an appreciated concept in my life today.

I've been having difficulty lately focusing on parts of my life that are in a sense, broken. Moments in which I made mistakes which I still regret. I suppose forgiving myself has been a struggle for most of my life. I can remember a few things that filled me with guilt for years before finally being able to let go of them. At this point in my life, I really only have two to three things that still haunt me in a sense... but their effect has been a heavy weight and I have been uncertain as to how to let go. So, this takes us back to the reason this post is dedicated to my beautiful sister in law.

So the idea here is, that this can be an allegory for our lives as well. Our lives can be more beautiful, because of moments in which they felt broken. 

Someone once told me that she believed my life story was evidence that the Lord had bigger plans for me. I suppose when she first said that, I wasn't sure why that might be so... but I have come to understand that my story is unique, even if there are others with similar experiences. The combination of events, the way I experienced things, the after effects, the ways in which I can grow because of them, that is unique. 

That's where this concept of kintsugi comes in... I can choose to believe that my life is more beautiful for having been broken. It is unique because of those breaks. And that feels like a very tangible way of understanding how I might be able to let go. The Lord can help us fit the pieces back together. He can be that golden lacquer that holds our broken lives together. He can make our lives more beautiful than we could on our own. And more unique than if we had never been broken. I suppose there is something to be said for the fact that if you find a life, filled with these "cracks of gold," it is evidence that they have returned to God again and again to be made whole. And there is a definite beauty in witnessing someone who has been able to find their strength in God despite life experiences, willing to go back to him again and again, who has been shaped and improved by the Lord so many times. There is a beauty in being broken, and made whole again. And no two lives crack in just the same way even if they experience the same trauma. This provides us with the promise that we can be a unique tool in the Lord's hands. A unique piece of artwork that can inspire people the way no one else can. I'm grateful for the mental image this provides. 

Personally, I'm still working on coming to and trusting in the Lord to help me repair the cracks, but I can see that the potential for a beautiful, unique, finished product, is real and possible. I don't have to be forever broken. I don't have to be unpolished and imperfect forever.

In case you missed it, the whole thing is also an allegory for the atonement ;)

Someday

My son's latest kick lately has been saying "Someday I'll _________" turn the oven off, ride that slide, go sledding, cut food, make eggs by myself, ride a roller coaster, etc. I think it's darling, and somehow its fitting that he's picked this up right around the new year. It's like he's got aspirations to be a big kid, but recognizes that he can't do some things right now. And this "someday" kick has allowed him to be very chill about it. It's cute, and it's great. And writing this blog inspired me to set some goals for him so he could experience achieving goals, not just setting them.

I decided that an important part of my goal setting this year would be to sit down with Michael and make some goals together rather than just make my own goals, or only personal goals... this way we can make some goals together! I also felt like it was a bit of a trust exercise. For whatever reason, talking about my goals feels a bit like a vulnerable subject, and it's important that I utilize the occasional opportunity to allow myself to be vulnerable with him so that we can continue to grow closer together. It's also nice to have an accountability partner that's a little more involved than the blogosphere ;)

So, here are our family goals for the year, along with our after-dinner schedule that will be used to achieve some of said goals!

And, just for kicks, here is my current (ideal) schedule for Adam's daily activities

As far as my goals go... I really thought long and hard about what to make my goals be. I wanted them to be personal, achievable, and things that would take me in the direction I'm hoping to go. I suppose the other, unmentioned goal there for me, is to be better at maintaining routine ;) Thus all of the excel sheets and routine charts, ha. I created my categories: Physical, Spiritual, Personal, Family, and wanted a few goals for each category. But I also didn't want it to spin into some huge long unachievable list of goals that looked overwhelming. 

I've got to say, that my favorite goal so far has been drinking water. It's the most tangible goal on there! It honestly makes me feel as though I have one thing in my day in which I can say, I succeeded at life. Ha. I wanted to incorporate exercise into my goals, but I really wanted it to feel achievable, and like something I would actually do. I really don't care much about exercise, and I never have. So my motivation is rather lacking in that area. But I do want to incorporate it so that theoretically it has the chance to lift my mood and energy ;) So, since I got a small stepper machine for Christmas, I decided I could feasibly walk on my stepper for the first little while when Adam is watching his morning movie, before I move on to chores/being otherwise productive. I may eventually up the step count, but, for now... it'll do.

As far as self-care goes.. writing in my "burn journal" lately, in which I am only writing to myself, or to Heavenly Father, instead of to my progenitors, or other potential audience members... has been very helpful. I have really felt like I have been better fulfilling that the "self-care" category lately. It's extremely cathartic, and I find it very helpful. But, I also have felt like I need to incorporate other ways to meet this need, which is why our weekly calendar has a weekly Bubble bath, and a bi-weekly walk penciled in so that I can have some "me time." Hopefully I'm brave enough to go on short walks in the winter, despite the cold ;) I also have some time penciled in on Friday's to read my self-help books, whereas the Sunday reading slot you see is intended for purely entertainment reading which will help Michael with his goal too..

I suppose I should clarify... my "Journaling" goal, it's intended to imply my regular journal, not my "burn journal." I want to get back into the habit of journaling regularly. The burn journal, I only write in when I feel the need. No "shoulds" or "oughts" involved in how often I do it... which I love all the more.

I just realized my second to last goal is written a bit funny, haha. "Read/pray scriptures daily" oops. But, I might leave it. Because while I would like to read scriptures daily, and pray daily, it would probably also be a good idea if I incorporated praying about my scripture reading as well. And perhaps that funny oops will serve as a reminder. My plan for scripture reading is simple. It's a plan I've done before and I quite enjoyed.. I will read, until I feel as though I have gotten something out of it, until I have found something in my reading that I can apply directly to myself. It's the best way I have found to get myself to relate and apply the scriptures to my own life, and that's what I feel I need the most right now. Perhaps later I will add a block of reading like "read for 10 minutes daily" but, for now, I think this plan is what I need most.

Lastly, starting dinner by 5pm! I've been really awful about starting dinner. I usually wait until Michael gets home, and then we realize we're hungry, or Adam starts asking about food, and then we make dinner. Which makes it harder to make legit cooked meals since we are then dealing with grumpy, hungry children. And, it gives me one solid way I can look at the day and feel like I can check mark one qualifier of "good-wifey-ness" haha.

I've been really feeling like Adam needs more routine in his life. His behavior has been spiraling again, and so I'm hoping having a better idea of what to "expect" will help somewhat. I don't anticipate it fixing everything, but, oh well. The other thing that comes into play here, is that I feel like I need to do a better job of blocking off a certain amount of time every day in which I hide my phone away, and I devote my attention purely to my children. Talking to them, playing with them, etc. That's my other unwritten goal, but, perhaps one of the most important ones. Perhaps I'll have to re-print my goals for the wall to include that one ;)

I have loved having his routine on the wall! Even if we're not following it, he has the ability to go look at it, and he knows exactly what he has to do before he can watch a movie in the mornings. And, he can use it to come up with ideas of what he wants to do. I can say "Adam, what would you like to do next?" and he's often walk over to the routine, and say "music time!" or "play with Abby in the playroom!" and it is grand. It also gives both him, and us parentals, a reminder to pray before each meal. Sometimes halfway through the meal, Adam will look over to the routine chart and proclaim "Mom! We forgot to pray!" which is just darling and I love it. I'm so excited to introduce him to the goal pages, and help him achieve his goals, as well as feel more successful as a person as I attempt to achieve my own.

I'm excited to have the weekly routine as well. I love being able to point to the pictures and explain to Adam what we're doing each day. And he argues a lot less when he can look at the routine and see that indeed, the following activity is what we're supposed to be doing next. And having ideas of what to do each evening like Bubble bath night, board game night, movie night, not only fosters family traditions, it also makes life easier, because I don't have to come up with an idea for how to fill the space until bed time haha. And having things planned for Michael and I to do after the kids go to bed, not only ensures that we do things together that don't include Netflix (yknow, actual potential for bonding, not just watching TV), and it will help us be more productive. Michael's really been punching the clock putting in a lot of study time to prepare for his CPA exam that he hopes to take around March/April time frame. And I'm really proud of all his hard work. I certainly couldn't do it! But we also needed to plan to have some occasional fun despite all that clock punching so that he wouldn't burn out, and we could still have time together in the evenings.

Anyway, that's the end, hope you enjoyed my obligatory New Years Resolutions blog ;D

Deflection

Well hello folks! I feel like it's been a while! Admittedly, I have started journaling again recently and it has helped me feel like I have less to talk about here because I'm expressing it elsewhere. Which, is healthy for me. But, it's also just been the holidays and I don't believe in spending much time on tech when I should be around family if I can help it. So, here we are! I'm still working on my New Years Resolutions, which I will share with you when I feel like I'm all done, (weird that I'm still working on them, I know... but I also feel like the fact that it's less centered around the first of the year, and more centered on taking the time I need to flesh out how I can best grow and succeed, is what's best for me, so, it's okay that I'm late ;).

Anyway, I have been doing a lot of introspection lately! That is the word of the day! It helps that I drove for 5 hours of our trek to Utah for the holidays... and I had about 4 hours of driving time earlier this week for the trip to and from a doctor's appointment for my son. Driving long distances like that definitely gets me thinking. Sometimes that's why having a roadtrip buddy can be fun, as my mother in law reminded me the other day, because you have a lot of time to flesh out some fun conversations you might not have otherwise had! But it can also be nice to have that alone time to think. And my kids were pretty quiet so I had the blessing of being able to think.

I don't have the time to tell you all the things I realized about myself, or the dots I connected regarding my childhood... and really... it's okay for some of those things to remain only in my head ;) But it was really healthy for me, and I really appreciate having connected those dots. The one thing I will talk about, is that I realized in the last week or two that I have gotten really skilled in the art of deflection. It seems so bizarre to me to look back at myself in some of my therapy sessions and observe just how much I used humor or self deprication to deflect... to keep from feeling vulnerable, to keep myself from crying, to keep myself from feeling too sensitive. Some of my most tender memories with people are times when they just held me as I cried, or even just sat there and listened to me despite how much my body was shaking. The idea that I have so instinctively learned this kind of deflection to keep myself from experiencing those things seems so weird. My therapist said people often tend to close themselves off a lot more around the age of 25.. but it still feels foreign. I understood that I had created a bit of a wall between myself and a lot of my emotions... I understood that I had created that distance, but I suppose I hadn't realized that I had figured out how to stop those emotions in their tracks even when they were right at the door so to speak. My therapist mentioned that our bodies don't necessarily differentiate between physical and emotional pain.... they merely attempt to devise ways to prevent future pain, and it seems I've gotten pretty good at lying to myself or not taking myself seriously in order to keep that distance from how I feel.

I made the connection the other day when I was talking to a friend of mine. Through the course of conversation, it just so happened that it came up that there were a few years of my life where I had one of about 2-3 recurring nightmares (or variations on a theme) just about every single night during that stretch of time. For me, at this point, it mostly just feels like an understandable factoid within the context of my life. But she started asking sincere, probative questions about it, which, no one has ever done. And I caught myself coming off really insensitive about it. Like it was something meaningless that didn't have any effect on me or my life, and that the subject matter of these nightmares was trivial... and I had to stop and apologize to this friend along the lines of "sorry, I don't mean to make light of this, I think it's just how I have learned to distance myself from how much it used to hurt" She understood, and I knew she would. But it did prompt my continued thoughts on the concept of deflection.

Anyway, I don't have a whole lot more to say about the matter. Clearly it's a defense mechanism... But I do want to lessen it, so that I can increase my ability to be honest and genuine, and allow myself to be vulnerable more often again. So, I give you permission, if you catch me deflecting in some way, to call me out on it, so that I can have a second chance at being more genuine in that moment, and letting you get closer to me, by seeing a more real emotion than just me trying to keep my emotions in the bag. And it may be that I end up saying I'm not ready to broach the subject further in that moment, whatever the subject may be... but at least that is more honest than me hiding behind sarcasm or self deprecation, or humor, or laughing at myself. And ya'll deserve that honesty. And I also need to be more honest with myself. That is going to be one of my themes for this year... being honest with myself, about my weaknesses, about my pain, and about my potential.

Stigma

I've written a few blogs in the last week that haven't felt quite right to post. But I think this one will do the trick. Something I've been thinking about the last few days is stigma. I absolutely hate stigma! I've had a number of friends over the years not want to get a diagnosis because of the stigma attached to said diagnosis. That irks me, because I also know there can be great healing from receiving a diagnosis. It can mean that someone knows better how to help you, it can bring you better understanding of yourself. To be clear, it doesn't irk me that these friends don't want to receive a diagnosis--it irks me that our society has created and encouraged the stigma attached to those diagnosese that makes them uncomfortable! I've never really understood it most of my life though... I suppose I've never received a diagnosis with much stigma attached to it. But I also suppose that's partially why I don't openly share all the details of my life either. Because there is stigma attached to much of who I am, or what I struggle with, and it won't help me to know that someone judges me for it.

This weekend, my therapist recommended that I begin attending an addiction recovery group, and gave me an informal diagnosis of sorts. Receiving this suggestion and diagnosis has suddenly made me very well aware of how my friends have felt wanting to avoid stigma. It's something I am not likely to often share which makes me a tad sad because at the same time it has provided me with the ability to analyze myself in a new way and make me feel closer to healing. And the only reason I feel comfortable sharing this information here, is because I am fully aware of the fact that the only people who read this blog, besides when I post things to Facebook, are people who love me, whom I trust...not that it doesn't still make me feel vulnerable but sometimes that's okay.

Even when my therapist first began to suggest the group, I knew it might be helpful, but at the same time, didn't want to go for fear of the assumptions people would make upon learning or witnessing my attendance to such a meeting. I know full well that substance abuse and pornography are considered two of the most obvious reasons someone might go, which, for me, are not the reason why I'm going. For me, it's more... a way of thinking that I am clinging to, and the atonement is the best way for me to let go... and the LDS addiction recovery program focuses a lot on the atonement. So, it will help provide me with some structure with which to study the atonement, let go of things, and return Christ to his proper position in my life. I've been feeling like I needed to study the atonement but didn't know where to begin, so this suggestion felt like an answer to a silent prayer. Utilizing the atonement to get closer to Christ feels like the best way to feel understood. People have always told me that Christ has experienced all, and is therefore the only one who can truly understand how we feel. Which I've always understood, but never really felt able to utilize. So, that is the hope in attending ARP. And, in attending ARP, I hope to be able to let go of certain things that cause me to hate myself.

Of course, there's always more to the story... but anyway... I've been grateful for the support from people who love me. I know that people who love you are capable of letting go of stigma in order to support those they love. And that, is a blessing indeed.

To Text or Pray--That is the Question!

Sorry to blog twice in one day but things have happened, conversations had and my mind is on a new track.. A while ago I was sitting in a Relief Society meeting at church when someone referenced a quote from some talk along the lines of "are you as quick to pray as you are to text" At the time, it struck me but in a different way. At the time we were talking more along the lines of children driving you crazy, and choosing to text your spouse to whine instead of choosing to pray to your Heavenly Father for comfort or aid. Which, was good for me to hear, but it's also advice I can apply in a different way in my life..

I have always appreciated having close friends with whom I can have deep, personal conversations with. However, over the years, I have felt like these conversations have become increasingly frequent even though I don't necessarily feel like they are even being all that beneficial either for me or for those I'm having the conversation with. Someone asked me today if I was having these conversations to vent, or to solve problems... the occasional vent is fine, but as far as solving problems go, I needed to evaluate whether said problems would better solved by my therapist rather than with a friend. When I started going to therapy, I started to wonder if really I've just been having these conversations because some part of me knew I had stuff that was still unresolved and was seeking to solve it. Even though rationally speaking it's not like I would ever have expected any of my friends to say something magical to fix whatever in me was messed up by my childhood. Maybe I was hoping they would though... although sometimes I think I was also hoping that talking about it more would increase my chance in finding people with similar backgrounds... with the idea that if I helped enough other people work through their crap, maybe I'd feel better or work through my own as well... or something... I dunno. Or just make it more worth it.

But now that I've started being able to have these kinds of deep conversations with a therapist, and had some success in changing my mindset... I also feel a little bit stuck on where to draw the line... what do friends talk about, versus what should I just keep to my prayers, my journal, my therapist. And, of course, I do need to be better at opening up and allowing myself to be more vulnerable with my spouse as well. I really just don't know. I do think the question of whether its a need to vent, versus a need to fix things is an important perspective to start with... but still... I just dont want to feel like I'm overutilizing a friend for something a therapist is better suited for anyway. But I recognize that it is still important to open up to your friends and share the bad with the good. Like I said... where to draw the line is the probelm.

Where I have struggled with prayer for so long, I am left with the reminder "are you as quick to pray as you are to text" and I have to evaluate my ability to rely more on the Lord rather than those around me. And sometimes, I just need to be able to work through my feelings and feel like I'm expressing them. Sometimes a blog fits the bill, sometimes a journal fits it better. Sometimes I think a journal is a bit like a written prayer. The Lord can be my audience because no one else is reading it but me and him or something. And I like that. I can focus my thoughts so much better in text than I can out loud in a vocal prayer.  And because I'm having to take the time to write it out, I think it's also easier for me to take the time and feel His responses. Athough, vocal prayer is still an important medium. Sometimes a person is what fits the need of the hour... it depends. Sometimes I just want someone to understand. And I feel like its more meaningful if that comes from someone you love rather than a therapist... but at the same time, therapists can be a little more experienced in empathy, so you might have a higher success rate with them.. I dunno... and I've got to figure it out a little better so I don't need to feel like such a drain on the friendships I am blessed with. Of course, feel free to insert a statement about how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only ones who can truly understand what we are experiencing, thanks to the atonement. I do need to gain a stronger testimony of that concept since it really does have the most potential for comfort.

I feel like I have been stuck for so long... there has to be a reason attached to it that is my fault. I'm not trying hard enough. And I'm really not... but I also just don't feel ready... but I also don't want that to be a stable excuse to rely on either. I feel so lame saying it. Hate feeling like I'm just using excuses. Someone reminded me that I have had successes this year and I shouldn't feel like I've been without any progress. It's okay for progress to be slow, so long as  you have it. And that's true. And I have been really grateful for the progress I have made.. I've talked about that concept with my therapist as well. And I'm really grateful for that someone acknowledging that and helping me focus a little more on my successes rather than my failings in a way that didn't just feel like an attempt to sugar coat ;) It really should be okay that I haven't perfected certain areas of my life... because I can't do everything all at once, and that's okay. But I'm good enough at seeing my failings all on my own realistically. I just also know that I have had relapses and I don't like feeling that I'm taking a step backward after finally taking a step forward.

Anyway, I'm going to be going back to therapy again... so maybe I'll have better insights soon ;)

An Infinite potential

Sometimes I think we are provided with times in which we feel isolated.. when no one around us understands how we feel, as a refresher, a reminder that we don't know how the people around us feel, what they're going through.

I remember as a teenager watching my friends go through periods of really not liking themselves. Usually because of their personal appearance, but sometimes because of other factors as well. It always made me so sad because I wished they could see themselves how I saw them. They were beautiful people, great friends, and the kind of wholesome people that just make you want to be friends with them because you secretly wished you could be more like them. Yknow? I remember giving one friend in particular, some homework to try and build up her self esteem. Writing lists of things she liked about herself, looking herself in the mirror and telling herself that she was beautiful and wonderful! Sounds silly... but that was one of the first ways I was able to build my self esteem in middle school. I realized that the people who were the most beautiful, had confidence. It was their confidence that added to their attractiveness. So I decided, that I needed to love me, before somebody else could. Looked myself in the mirror in the mornings and told myself I was beautiful. No matter how much it made me cringe because I didn't believe it was true, or because of the awkwardness of the situation ;) Haha. I do feel like it helped though. Which is why I wanted to be able to pass it on so it could potentially help this friend of mine.

Every once in a while... it hits me... that I am repeating the same behavior that I have lamented seeing in my friends... It's so silly that it's so much harder for us to see the beauty and goodness in ourselves than it is to see in others. I imagine that it's frequently how God feels... he can see our potential, and desperately wants us to see ourselves as he sees us so that we can make those leaps and bounds! Sometimes I think it's the knowledge of that potential that makes me hate myself though. Because I already feel like I could be better... if my potential is greater than the distance I already know I have to go... it just feels a bit hopeless. Which, of course, is why we need the Lord's help. I've never been very good at letting people help me ;)

The decision not to hate myself has seemed harder lately. And there have been moments when I have failed, and moments when I have come closer to turning that ship all the way around.. I guess it just feels like there is more I have done/am doing wrong, than I am doing right. Positive words from others don't usually make me feel any better.. it feels like I have a bit more baggage than I'm worth. Too much that people don't know that I feel like would change their view of me if they did. Which I recognize is a bit unfair since I do have people who love me regardless of some of these faults. But hey, who said I had to be rational. It's hard for me to identify why these things are being harder to accept about myself than they have been in the past... Perhaps because they seem more relavent to my struggle than they used to be. Like I said, hard to say.

I know that at least part of the answer lies in learning to trust more in my Heavenly Father... It's just one of those things that we have to learn on our own, and sometimes it can be a rather long, up hill journey. I'm very grateful for all of my friends in this journey though... new and old. I have received far more support than I might have otherwise thought probable.