One of the most unfortunate things about waking up with your toddler in the middle of the night? When you're awake just long enough that your brain turns back on and you have trouble turning it back off. Well, I process things best when being able to talk about them, but when the opportunity isn't ripe for such a thing (such as everyone being asleep or the setting for a vulnerable conversation isn't quite right)... my go to second option is writing, so here I am. Though I'm not necessarily going to broach what's on my mind right now, this is what struck me to write about for now.
I think one of the worst questions I have ever asked myself was who my audience was when writing journal entries. It was early in middle school when I first started writing in a journal that I decided that my audience was likely my future children or grandchildren. Which to some extent is helpful I think because it gave me some purpose for journal writing, or atleast I thought it did. I felt like it gave me a sense of purpose in the sense that perhaps I could help someone even after I died on the off chance that my progenitors had similar life experiences and could learn or find comfort in the ups and downs of my experiences.
However, what I have found is that it sometimes makes it very difficult for me to journal. I find myself feeling self conscious, not wanting to share things that I find very personal, not sure if I want them recorded in history, not sure if I want someone seeing how utterly dumb and anxiety-ridden my thoughts can be. Which I know is somewhat dumb since I acknowledge that to some extent sharing those things might be the very reason someone might connect with me through reading my journal and potentially find comfort in it. But I tend to think of people's experiences being more akin to my husband's reactions when he reads the whiney thoughts of characters in fiction novels. Annoyed disrespect and impatience. Good thing he loves me and can put up with my anxiety-ridden thoughts when I end up sharing them ;)
Which is why I started my "burn journal" as I like to call it. It's a separate journal for writing all my thoughts and feelings when I need help processing. I write in it with no audience in mind except God on occasion, or myself. And it's not a book meant to last like my usual leather bound journals so I can burn it one day if I so choose ;) The problem becomes that sometimes I need those journaling moments most during the day and my kids seem to hate when I attempt to read or write. My daughter even comes over and starts shutting the journal on me saying "all done!" Some days I have to insist because getting the feelings out can make it easier for me to be a better, more patient mommy, which is better for everyone ;) But it can be easy to forget to take that needed time for myself even when it would be better for everyone involved if I did so.
I heard someone say recently that they believed people who struggle with addiction sometimes have a somewhat addictive personality. In that they are more likely to engage in several addictive behaviors even outside of their identified addiction. And boy did that strike me! I can't nor will I be able to explain in this forum but suffice it to say.. I think sometimes I behave that way when it comes to my interactions with people. I feel somewhat stuck in some sense as to how I tend to communicate with people. It's a formula that doesn't always work very well and can be awkward at times. But I seem to experience a sense of need for it.. and it's hard for me to accept an alternative. Sometimes writing is the best poopy alternative I can find. Anyway, like I said, I really can't explain it here.. that is just one of the reasons why that statement struck me!
Anyway.. here's hoping I can get back to sleep now!
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Conversion
I have often considered the examples of Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon as some of the most human, and relatable characters in the book. As a kid I thought about them just like everybody else did... they were dumb, they were argumentative, they were violent, they were disobedient, they lacked faith, they were wicked, whatever adjective suits your fancy. But I had a lesson one time, that finally changed my perspective. Someone stopped to describe them in a different light. One of the biggest problems listed against Laman and Lemuel is that they murmur constantly, right? But let's be honest, how many of us wouldn't murmur about some of the trials they faced were we in their shoes? How many of us haven't murmured when being faced with our own trials. Even when we have been flocked with amazing blessings on the left and on the right, we often seem to concentrate most on what is hard. So, can any of us really fault them for murmuring? How many of us have never rebelled?
And then you think... but they saw an ANGEL! And still were not able to believe? I think that's wrong. I think they knew, without a doubt. They had absolute certainty there was a God. There was not a single doubt in their mind to that effect. Someone related it once to the parable of the ten virgins. If the lamp is a testimony, and the oil is conversion... Well, someone can give you a lamp. We can rely on the testimonies of our parents or our friends. We can see angels, and mighty miracles. We can know of a certainty that there is a God, that His gospel contains the most truths we can find on this earth. But there is a difference between knowing God exists, knowing His gospel is true, and being converted. And nobody can give you conversion. And what use is the testimony without that conversion? It is the oil that gives the lamp it's intended function. Not having that oil certainly does not mean that our lives cannot have purpose. It only means that they cannot have the purpose God intended.
What is conversion then? Google tells us that it means to "cause to change in form, character, or function." So, the issue then, is not that Laman and Lemuel did not have a testimony. The issue is that they did not allow that testimony to change them, to affect their purpose in life, to affect their character. Reminds me of the original witnesses of the Book of Mormon. Many of them fell away from the church, but were quoted saying they could never deny the Book of Mormon. Why could they not deny it, if they knew it existed, knew it contained truth? Because they were unable to let that knowledge change and direct their identity and purpose.
This is something I relate to wholeheartedly. I decided years ago that I knew the gospel was true. I felt that even if I left the church, I would never be able to deny that I knew the gospel was true. And I had to acknowledge that it would be mighty dumb of me to leave if I knew it was true, despite whatever doubts I may have. But whether or not I have experienced true conversion feels like a pickle of a question. The definition helps in this respect, because without it, conversion feels a bit abstract, at least to me! But with the definition, it provides a few questions. Have I allowed my testimony to change me? my character? my function? I would probably say yes to some, but not necessarily all of those questions. And even to those I said yes to... have I done it to my full potential, or even half of it? Probably not. And, have I made those changes out of my own genuine, intrinsic motivation to follow, grow closer to, and become more like God? Or have I merely acted through the motions out of a sense of duty or guilt? I suppose the important distinction there is whether you have allowed the gospel to AFFECT you, your character, your function... or have you allowed it to truly CHANGE you. I would argue that there is a difference.
These days when I attend the Addiction Recovery Meetings, it has been hard for me to know where my focus is. In some respects I feel like I'm stuck at step 3. And in other respects I feel like I'm stuck at step 4. But then part of me feels like I've done at least most of step 5. But I can't have completed step 5 if I haven't finished step 4. It's a tad confusing. But last night I went through the first 6 steps and watched the videos attached to each step. And while several of them (especially Step 4) struck a chord, what I felt most prompted to act on, was step 6 (the video above). Having a testimony can't be enough. I've always known it wasn't enough. A testimony is what I could do and learn on my own... and now it's about what I can't do on my own.
Friday, March 10, 2017
Normalizing
I have really loved being able to feel like I can write these blogs about depression, anxiety, shame, and my inner struggle with spirituality. I came to the conclusion the other day, that the antidepressants helped a lot with my depression (duh). But therapy is what helped the most when it came to anxiety and shame. And now that I'm mostly back to not seeing my therapist (again)... I have been so appreciative for this blog and the ability to let things out instead of bottling them up. And the ability to talk about it has acted as a way to continue the positive path I've been on regarding shame. The other day, I posted on Facebook about attending the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program meetings for the last few months, and it was one of those moments where I sort of shocked myself. I had had absolutely no intention of talking about that on social media (or on my blog for that matter, at least not yet)... but for whatever reason, I felt prompted to do so when reading that particular chapter from the ARP manual (Step 11 in case you were curious). Part of me wonders how much of that decision was because of a spiritual prompting, and how much of it was because it was less scary to do because talking about these sorts of things has made it feel like less of a vulnerable subject (though it certainly still seems pretty vulnerable).
I have a few friends with varying degrees of experience with mental health concerns, and I have so appreciated their posts (and conversations I have had) lately regarding life with mental health issues/addictions. It's a bit like ARP, but with people I actually know! Having the chance to hear other people talking about some of the alterations they have had to make to their life or routine, makes me feel better about having to do some of those things from time to time. Normalization is good. I hope my blog serves the same purpose for others in normalizing. I've been hoping for a way recently that I can be of more service to people instead of feeling like a burden, to switch up my role in relationships more, in that regard. Someone asked me the other day what I do to feel like myself. And my blog is something that I didn't consider at the time, partially I guess because I don't do it every day, but really, it is something that I find extremely fulfilling, and I'm grateful I have. I'm just so much better at expressing myself in writing than I am out loud, and it is certainly cathartic. But I will definitely acknowledge that having conversations face to face can be WAY better, and WAY more fulfilling just because there is something absolutely unique and powerful about connecting to another human being by having a vulnerable or personally intimate conversation. I love that. It's something I crave to some extent. But, sometimes that's out of my control, and that's something I have to get used to.
So, thank you, to all who have been a part of this journey, especially regarding my most vulnerable truths and fears.. and for treating me the same as you always have, despite whatever changes have occurred in your perception of me. Goodness knows that losing the respect and friendship of those closest to me is one of my greatest fears.
Monday, February 27, 2017
When Loved Ones Trust in The Atonement
I had an experience this week that made me think back to the "Senior Capstone" class at BYU Idaho. The point of the class was essentially supposed to be an exercise in decision making to prepare us for the real world, kind of thing. Each week we were presented with a new, controversial case and you'd have to write a paper explaining why you picked choice A or choice B. Some of them were easy and some of them definitely did not feel black and white. I don't remember the specifics of this particular case anymore but it must have been related to pornography. What I do remember was what happened during the discussion day when we were discussing it in class. There was a girl in our class who spoke up and said that if she found out that her boyfriend or fiancé had at one point been addicted to pornography, then she would break up with him no questions asked. And I remember thinking that was really really sad, and realistically didn't bode well for her future. To be fair... I don't know how old she was and perhaps by now she has wised up (not that age necessarily has anything to do with maturity).. but as prevalent as pornography is these days.. there's a pretty large percentage of the population, even among "good Christian folk" who struggle at one point or another with pornography (or drugs or alcohol or what have you). Saying you'll never date or marry a guy who's ever struggled with pornography or addiction in general definitely limits your dating pool. Not that it's bad to have high standards.. and in her position (especially since she wasn't married yet and since it's a hypothetical situation with little details anyway), if she didn't feel able to be a supportive future spouse for someone with that weakness then perhaps it would be better for them both not to be in a relationship with each other.. Especially if you're assuming the temptation is ongoing and not totally "in the past." But I'll tell you what really bothered me about the implications of that standpoint..
What it said to me was that she didn't have a real solid testimony of the atonement. She was denying the possibility that the atonement could totally absolve him of that past sin, and that it would be a permanent mark upon his character.. Now, I will acknowledge that addictions can create a weakness that may require your spouse to serve as a support in that area.. If your spouse is aware of that weakness they can help you avoid things that may act as triggers or things like that.. But to say that it is a permanent mark upon their character or that it makes them less valuable as a significant other is certainly not fair. Each of us are tempted by different things in life and it is being confronted by those struggles that teaches us what we need to learn and helps us grow stronger. In some things we are awesome and choose "no!" from the very beginning, and in other things we falter. But no matter how long it takes us to learn the lesson, we can still learn it. Doesn't matter how many times we mess up.. Learning the lesson is what mattered. Heavenly Father can still make our weaknesses be our strengths. Our experiences give us unique perspective that are meant to put us into the correct position in order to better serve specific people in our lives. And THAT is sacred, and awesome.
Today in church we were talking about how there are an awful lot of people who have faith in Christ... But what a lot of people seem to struggle with is believing that Christ's promises apply to them, and not just everybody else. I recently heard someone say that while they could believe Christ would forgive them.. they were afraid they wouldn't be able to find a spouse that was equally capable of believing Christ had forgiven them for their mistakes. Boy did that resonate with me! I have certainly struggled in life with believing that Christ's promises would truly apply to me, that I could be forgiven by Him.. And when I finally started to feel like I could be forgiven by Him, it seemed absolutely impossible that people around me--friends, family, my husband.. could believe so fully in the atonement as to treat me the same if they found out my flaws that had required repentance. And it has been an absolutely powerful, wonderful experience to witness that love and acceptance and forgiveness from people, especially my husband. Even if I do still experience some anxiety about the thoroughness of that acceptance and forgiveness, I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.
What was sweet this week was hearing someone recount of the support they had experienced from their spouse during struggles with temptation... And I felt such an immediate love and respect for their spouse for being able to be so supportive and forgiving. It immediately shouted to me, the level of their character and their testimony in the atonement! I wanted so badly to be able to talk to them and express that respect... and attempt to explain the level of gratitude that their spouse must feel.. And how beautiful and sacred it is to me, to be able to view them in that light... but for now, the circumstances don't allow that conversation to happen, and realistically, words can't sufficiently express my thoughts on the matter. Still, maybe one day I'll get the chance. For now, this will have to do! I think it was also helpful that given what I know about said spouse, I totally believe them capable of such a wonderful testimony of the atonement, and being the objective third-party on looker in a situation.. made it feel more real I guess that it was possible in my own life.
Moral of the story though.. is that the Lord can forgive us. Each of us, not just everybody else. And while people may not forgive as perfectly as the Lord, making it difficult for us to fully comprehend His forgiving abilities... people can be pretty awesome too. And while addictions, or temptations or trials or traumatic experiences suck, and can remain in our memory our whole lives... they can be just a memory. They don't have to be actively part of our daily life affecting our daily choices as struggles. Utilizing the atonement means asking the Lord for His help in carrying our burdens, and let's be honest.. the Lord is pretty buff and does a lot more of the work than we do, so long as we ask.
What it said to me was that she didn't have a real solid testimony of the atonement. She was denying the possibility that the atonement could totally absolve him of that past sin, and that it would be a permanent mark upon his character.. Now, I will acknowledge that addictions can create a weakness that may require your spouse to serve as a support in that area.. If your spouse is aware of that weakness they can help you avoid things that may act as triggers or things like that.. But to say that it is a permanent mark upon their character or that it makes them less valuable as a significant other is certainly not fair. Each of us are tempted by different things in life and it is being confronted by those struggles that teaches us what we need to learn and helps us grow stronger. In some things we are awesome and choose "no!" from the very beginning, and in other things we falter. But no matter how long it takes us to learn the lesson, we can still learn it. Doesn't matter how many times we mess up.. Learning the lesson is what mattered. Heavenly Father can still make our weaknesses be our strengths. Our experiences give us unique perspective that are meant to put us into the correct position in order to better serve specific people in our lives. And THAT is sacred, and awesome.
Today in church we were talking about how there are an awful lot of people who have faith in Christ... But what a lot of people seem to struggle with is believing that Christ's promises apply to them, and not just everybody else. I recently heard someone say that while they could believe Christ would forgive them.. they were afraid they wouldn't be able to find a spouse that was equally capable of believing Christ had forgiven them for their mistakes. Boy did that resonate with me! I have certainly struggled in life with believing that Christ's promises would truly apply to me, that I could be forgiven by Him.. And when I finally started to feel like I could be forgiven by Him, it seemed absolutely impossible that people around me--friends, family, my husband.. could believe so fully in the atonement as to treat me the same if they found out my flaws that had required repentance. And it has been an absolutely powerful, wonderful experience to witness that love and acceptance and forgiveness from people, especially my husband. Even if I do still experience some anxiety about the thoroughness of that acceptance and forgiveness, I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.
What was sweet this week was hearing someone recount of the support they had experienced from their spouse during struggles with temptation... And I felt such an immediate love and respect for their spouse for being able to be so supportive and forgiving. It immediately shouted to me, the level of their character and their testimony in the atonement! I wanted so badly to be able to talk to them and express that respect... and attempt to explain the level of gratitude that their spouse must feel.. And how beautiful and sacred it is to me, to be able to view them in that light... but for now, the circumstances don't allow that conversation to happen, and realistically, words can't sufficiently express my thoughts on the matter. Still, maybe one day I'll get the chance. For now, this will have to do! I think it was also helpful that given what I know about said spouse, I totally believe them capable of such a wonderful testimony of the atonement, and being the objective third-party on looker in a situation.. made it feel more real I guess that it was possible in my own life.
Moral of the story though.. is that the Lord can forgive us. Each of us, not just everybody else. And while people may not forgive as perfectly as the Lord, making it difficult for us to fully comprehend His forgiving abilities... people can be pretty awesome too. And while addictions, or temptations or trials or traumatic experiences suck, and can remain in our memory our whole lives... they can be just a memory. They don't have to be actively part of our daily life affecting our daily choices as struggles. Utilizing the atonement means asking the Lord for His help in carrying our burdens, and let's be honest.. the Lord is pretty buff and does a lot more of the work than we do, so long as we ask.
Friday, February 17, 2017
When Weak Things Become Strong
I saw an interesting blog the other day that was about a girl who felt as though it took leaving her Faith to find her faith. She felt as though her spirit had been broken, trying to fit a mold she just didn't fit. She believed the gospel, but felt unaccepted for her differences from the ideal, perfect woman in her religion. Really the story just made me sad for her experiences. It is a shame when people reject others because of their differences, or because their life took a turn perhaps others don't understand. She felt like she was most able to find her faith when she was able to break out of the expectation of fitting the mold. Which I think makes sense. While perhaps it wasn't her exact message, to me it sounded as though she felt like she had been utilizing her blog to talk about keeping strong with the faith when in reality she felt a bit like she was drowning. I have felt that worry I think when I do occasionally post things of a religious nature because I don't want people to get an inflated idea of who I am. I don't mean to misrepresent my strengths so to speak.
The reality I think we forget when reading the words of others that these things are on their mind for a reason. Often, I think, because that has been the very area in which they have been struggling. Often in life I have considered the passage of scripture:
But I think it doesn't just have to be thought of in that way. I think it applies on a much more temporary level too. In that moment when we are feeling weak, like we are overwhelmed or drowning, we often turn to the Lord. And the Lord can help us find the strength we need through talks on Sunday, wise words from friends, words from the scriptures, or through our own quiet contemplation in prayer. In the moment that we have that "Ah Ha" moment that buoys us up, our weakness has been strengthened. So it makes sense that things we feel the most unqualified to discuss in the gospel because of our own failings, may be things that we are able to find wisdom in, because it is not we who have found that strength, but the Lord who has given it to us. And obviously, He's pretty awesome in that category, when we but ask for his aid.
I think the issue then becomes that it is so easy to lose that humility that turned us toward the Lord. We can forget how much we needed him in that hour of need. And that may allow time to slowly degrade that strength back into a weakness again. And sometimes I think, we only need those strengths for a certain time or season, much like the blessings missionaries receive that may only last while they are out serving.
The calling I currently have at church has me going to a meeting every Thursday with the missionaries in our ward. The first several times attending these meetings I sort of felt overwhelmed. Not necessarily during the meeting because it is easy enough to sit in a chair and listen to other, wiser, more involved people chat back and forth, and perhaps make the occasional quip. But I certainly felt extremely unqualified. How could I brainstorm ideas to help people who were trying to find the gospel when I myself felt a bit like I was drowning? And the people there, especially my female counterpart just seemed so on top of things, dedicated, sincere, willing and happy to serve. Now, I'm not generally one for comparisons, so it's not that this observation was what was making me feel down on myself, just... life circumstances. It seemed a bit like that was the expectation, and I felt incapable of living up to that necessarily. Now, I don't know that at this point in my life I would try to argue that I am any more capable or qualified, or ready to magnify that calling... but I feel less like I am drowning, and more like I am swimming towards... something. So, it's less daunting at any rate. And the focus I have right now on deflating any self-shaming helps me feel less disappointed in where I am even if it does fall far below that of those around me.
The journey I have been on has been interesting because there have been those around me that have applauded the progress I've made... But I suppose I think that the applause goes more to the Lord than to myself. Because I'm not making these changes. I'm not making this progress. It's the Lord that's giving it to me as I attempt to turn aspects of my life over to him. It is not my strength, but His. I feel... dishonest I suppose, in a sense, when people praise my strength... because I do not think it is mine. Anyway.. moral of the story I suppose is that... we don't have to fit within the mold to find the strength the Lord wants us to have. Hopefully some of that made sense ;)
The reality I think we forget when reading the words of others that these things are on their mind for a reason. Often, I think, because that has been the very area in which they have been struggling. Often in life I have considered the passage of scripture:
Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.I suppose I have thought this to mean that we are able to turn our weaknesses, trials, struggles into our strengths because they help us turn to the Lord and the Lord then makes us strong. Which I think is true. But the flaw in my reasoning I think, is that I was thinking about it a bit like... learning to ride a bike. That it became permanent trait/skill. Once you learn, you don't forget. Perhaps you can get a bit rusty, lose the ability to perform tricks (if you were ever that cool) but you don't forget the basics of how to ride. And I had a hard time imagining my weaknesses becoming strengths that were that well ingrained in my soul. Or at least, I didn't feel like I had ever really witnessed it happen in myself.
But I think it doesn't just have to be thought of in that way. I think it applies on a much more temporary level too. In that moment when we are feeling weak, like we are overwhelmed or drowning, we often turn to the Lord. And the Lord can help us find the strength we need through talks on Sunday, wise words from friends, words from the scriptures, or through our own quiet contemplation in prayer. In the moment that we have that "Ah Ha" moment that buoys us up, our weakness has been strengthened. So it makes sense that things we feel the most unqualified to discuss in the gospel because of our own failings, may be things that we are able to find wisdom in, because it is not we who have found that strength, but the Lord who has given it to us. And obviously, He's pretty awesome in that category, when we but ask for his aid.
I think the issue then becomes that it is so easy to lose that humility that turned us toward the Lord. We can forget how much we needed him in that hour of need. And that may allow time to slowly degrade that strength back into a weakness again. And sometimes I think, we only need those strengths for a certain time or season, much like the blessings missionaries receive that may only last while they are out serving.
The calling I currently have at church has me going to a meeting every Thursday with the missionaries in our ward. The first several times attending these meetings I sort of felt overwhelmed. Not necessarily during the meeting because it is easy enough to sit in a chair and listen to other, wiser, more involved people chat back and forth, and perhaps make the occasional quip. But I certainly felt extremely unqualified. How could I brainstorm ideas to help people who were trying to find the gospel when I myself felt a bit like I was drowning? And the people there, especially my female counterpart just seemed so on top of things, dedicated, sincere, willing and happy to serve. Now, I'm not generally one for comparisons, so it's not that this observation was what was making me feel down on myself, just... life circumstances. It seemed a bit like that was the expectation, and I felt incapable of living up to that necessarily. Now, I don't know that at this point in my life I would try to argue that I am any more capable or qualified, or ready to magnify that calling... but I feel less like I am drowning, and more like I am swimming towards... something. So, it's less daunting at any rate. And the focus I have right now on deflating any self-shaming helps me feel less disappointed in where I am even if it does fall far below that of those around me.
The journey I have been on has been interesting because there have been those around me that have applauded the progress I've made... But I suppose I think that the applause goes more to the Lord than to myself. Because I'm not making these changes. I'm not making this progress. It's the Lord that's giving it to me as I attempt to turn aspects of my life over to him. It is not my strength, but His. I feel... dishonest I suppose, in a sense, when people praise my strength... because I do not think it is mine. Anyway.. moral of the story I suppose is that... we don't have to fit within the mold to find the strength the Lord wants us to have. Hopefully some of that made sense ;)
Thursday, February 9, 2017
#MormonAndGay
My Facebook feed has fairly recently been filling up with this hashtag. Not overwhelmingly so, but it's there. I didn't learn until today that it wasn't just some separate group of Mormons that was instigating this. Instead, there's a legitimate link connected to lds.org that is dedicated to this subject:
That being said, I think the idea that society should accept any or all inclinations as "normal" or "okay" is naive regardless of whether or not people are born that way or whether it is due to their experiences and choices in life. Take pedophilia for example. For the most part, we as a society, do not accept this as acceptable behavior. We deem children to be unable to protect themselves, unable to carry the weight of sexual activity, and therefore unfit to make such decisions or engage in such relationships. If that opinion were to change, then there would be no reason, under the current political atmosphere, for sexual relationships between an adult and a child to be prohibited. As it is, it's probably a little shaky anyway since we already have policies in place to try children as adults for serious crimes committed. Gut reaction? That'll never happen. But, you know what... people criticized the LDS Church for not supporting the Equal Rights Act despite the fact that the Church teaches that men and women are equal. The Church's issue was not with giving women more rights, the issue was the holes and connotations of the Act that would allow other things it would not support such as co-ed bathrooms, or forcing women to join the draft. Everyone said "that will never be an issue" "that's ridiculous" and I remember thinking the same thing when I learned about it myself. But look where we are today...
Now, I know it seems rather unfair to compare gays to pedophiles, and I do not mean any offense by that. Like I said, all struggles are legitimate. I do not believe that experiencing an attraction to children makes someone a terrible person. That person wants to feel love, give love, be loved, just like anyone else. And often those feelings are a symptom of their own life experiences. And Heavenly Father understands how our experiences effect our bodies and our minds better than any of us do. Just because they feel like that love can only be experienced with a child, does not make their feelings illegitimate, and it does not make them a terrible person. Acting on it is what is wrong. And I feel sorry for any person who struggles with something they find contrary to their personal values. What makes it wrong is that children are in fact, not ready to carry the weight of those kinds of relationships, and, of course, I do not believe Heavenly Father approves of any relationship that limits spiritual or personal growth. Regardless of the attraction or temptation, we cannot just accept it in order to avoid offending someone. You may say that they can never be happy if we do not make them feel comfortable in the lifestyle they are inclined to follow, and they should have the same rights and chances to be happy as anyone else, but we simply cannot, and do not make laws based on that idea. I may be inclined to steal in order to be "happy" but that doesn't mean it should be legal. I may be inclined to kill people, but that doesn't make it right or legal. Perhaps I feel like I cannot experience joy without hurting people, that still doesn't make it right. It doesn't matter if it's between "consenting individuals." We do not accept this excuse in any other circumstance, but for some reason, we have applied it to the gay narrative. I understand the argument, and I feel the pain of knowing someone may not be able to express their love. That is truly saddening. I have worn those shoes, struggling with things contrary to my values, and it sucks. But it doesn't make them right.
When I first began researching the Church's stance on same-sex attraction back in high school, I was so incredibly glad to find that the Church agreed with this notion that no struggle makes someone inherently unworthy of gospel blessings. The church does not support any extra-marital sexual relationships. Doesn't matter if you're straight or gay. Many people argue that that stance should not prevent the church from supporting gay marriage. But, the fact of the matter is, one of our primary beliefs is that there are spirits waiting in Heaven to be born. And they cannot have the blessings of celestial glory, experience the joy of life, or family, experience personal growth, or gain the experience of finding and choosing Christ on this earth.. without a body. A body is required for growth. And the fact of the matter is that homosexual relationships cannot fulfill that sacred responsibility to create life. Therefore, they are contrary to the plan of God. The fact of the matter remains that we were not sent to this earth just to experience joy and intimacy. We were sent here to learn, to create life, and to grow closer to God. And if homosexual relationships are contrary to God's plan, we cannot grow closer to him by choosing a life contrary to His plan. We cannot grow to be the greatest tool in His hands if we are not striving to fulfill his plan for our lives. Consider for a moment the concept that all our trials and struggles, whether physical, mental, emotional, situational... they'll all disappear in the "next life." If same-sex attraction is nothing more than one of those struggles and it all just disappears... Wouldn't it be sad if that had been one of your primary focuses on identity and growth, and then it was all just stripped away? There are other things, than just our sexuality, regardless of your sexuality, that should be prioritized in life. Helping people come to Christ is one of them.
I will certainly never argue that it is fair. The notion that someone may go through life feeling unable to connect with someone in that special way regardless of the reason, whether it be because they never get married, because they feel an attraction they cannot act on, whatever the reason... that sucks. But life isn't fair for any of us. We all experience things in life that aren't "fair." We all experience things we wish we could change but cannot. That does not make any of us entitled to anything. We are not entitled to "fairness." That does not mean we cannot find joy. Plenty of people never get married. Plenty of people never get what they want. That does not mean we cannot overcome our trials even if they continue to taunt us our entire lives. We are stronger than that. We are more creative than that. Plenty of people go through sucky life experiences, growing up in orphanages and foster care, or being abused in childhood and/or adulthood, or even simply being a woman among chauvinists, or a minority surrounded by racists. The effects of those trials may never leave those people. They may be haunted by them the rest of their lives. But that does not mean they cannot experience joy. Obviously we should do all we can to limit those kinds of things from happening to people, which you may argue is cause to support gay marriage, but like I said... our experiences help us grow to be the tools God needs, and our choices are meant to be ones that align with God's plan. Take away the struggle and perhaps you are taking away that opportunity for growth. No matter our struggles, we are all children of God. We have divine potential. We are loved. In short, we are all awesome. And the beauty of the atonement is that Jesus experienced all pain and temptation. He understands, and knows we can endure. Because he knows just exactly what our potential is. He knows exactly how awesome you are. Trust in that.
Now, on a more relevant note regarding the hashtag, #MormonAndGay... I wonder how many people are wondering how this relates to the comment Elder Bednar made a while back about how there are no gay Mormons. I thought I'd clarify this and talk on it for a moment. Realistically, this is one of those quotes that is taken out of context and has loads more meaning, and makes loads more sense when put in context. The full quote:
I totally understand the difficulty in not tying one's sexual preferences into their identity. Society has taught us that it is, and it is easy to become a product of societal expectations and beliefs. Might I share the following quote from Elder Holland:
I think that is a wonderful way of putting it. Do not underestimate yourself, your identity, or your potential. We each have a thousand personal characteristics, the combination of which make us unique. Who we become because of those combinations are unique. But there is no reason to put one characteristic above the others. Do not give it disproportionate attention. Do not forget your other qualities. Don't forget that you have a hundred talents you could foster, a hundred passions. God did not put us down on earth to experience only sadness or only joy. We need both in our lives. The church is not necessarily trying to push people to forget the characteristic of experiencing same-sex attraction. Merely focus on the growth we can experience by cultivating our other traits. And remember, nobody's worth or value is lessened because of the struggles they experience or the mistakes that they make.
By no means, do I expect everyone and their dog to agree with me. By no means, do I expect that the world will ever accept this notion without divine intervention... By no means do I expect anyone's opinion to change who is not already on the fence. By no means do I intend to insult, hurt or slight anyone or their experiences. And I certainly do not intend to imply that mine is the only opinion that is valid. All I am saying... is that the ability to act on one's impulses is not a prerequisite for happiness... You CAN be gay, and Mormon, and live fully within the guidelines of gospel principles, and be HAPPY. I'm certainly not saying it isn't hard. Lot's of things are hard. But it is possible. And Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But he loves us enough not to encourage us to seek only temporary, earthly happiness. He wants us to seek eternal happiness. Eternity is a lot longer than just today. Plenty of us have been willing to eat our undesired vegetables in order to earn dessert. It may be hard to apply that to the grand scheme of things... but... hard things often have big rewards.
And, if you have made it to the end of this blog... you deserve dessert ;D Let me know if you ever need to cash in. If proximity allows, I'll certainly comply ;D Unless you're some random dude I don't know 😜
https://mormonandgay.lds.org/
I'm not entirely sure how to best describe my thoughts on this subject without things getting too personal for me. But aside from any personal feelings I may have on the matter.. I think most of us recognize this is a sensitive issue. Most of us in this day and age have probably known someone, even if they weren't a Mormon someone, who identified as gay, lesbian or bi-sexual etc. I have also come across members of the church who identify, or have identified as experiencing same-sex attraction. We love these people. And no one wishes sadness or hardship on those they love. I should make one thing absolutely clear. No struggle in this life, regardless of any one person's opinions of said struggle, qualifies a person for being hated or abused or disliked or anything of the kind. Each of us experiences trials uniquely suited for our personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etc... and are designed to help us build the tools Heavenly Father needs us to have to be of the most use to Him. It's up to us to figure out what we are supposed to learn, and how we can best utilize the lessons we have learned in order to bring people to Christ.That being said, I think the idea that society should accept any or all inclinations as "normal" or "okay" is naive regardless of whether or not people are born that way or whether it is due to their experiences and choices in life. Take pedophilia for example. For the most part, we as a society, do not accept this as acceptable behavior. We deem children to be unable to protect themselves, unable to carry the weight of sexual activity, and therefore unfit to make such decisions or engage in such relationships. If that opinion were to change, then there would be no reason, under the current political atmosphere, for sexual relationships between an adult and a child to be prohibited. As it is, it's probably a little shaky anyway since we already have policies in place to try children as adults for serious crimes committed. Gut reaction? That'll never happen. But, you know what... people criticized the LDS Church for not supporting the Equal Rights Act despite the fact that the Church teaches that men and women are equal. The Church's issue was not with giving women more rights, the issue was the holes and connotations of the Act that would allow other things it would not support such as co-ed bathrooms, or forcing women to join the draft. Everyone said "that will never be an issue" "that's ridiculous" and I remember thinking the same thing when I learned about it myself. But look where we are today...
Now, I know it seems rather unfair to compare gays to pedophiles, and I do not mean any offense by that. Like I said, all struggles are legitimate. I do not believe that experiencing an attraction to children makes someone a terrible person. That person wants to feel love, give love, be loved, just like anyone else. And often those feelings are a symptom of their own life experiences. And Heavenly Father understands how our experiences effect our bodies and our minds better than any of us do. Just because they feel like that love can only be experienced with a child, does not make their feelings illegitimate, and it does not make them a terrible person. Acting on it is what is wrong. And I feel sorry for any person who struggles with something they find contrary to their personal values. What makes it wrong is that children are in fact, not ready to carry the weight of those kinds of relationships, and, of course, I do not believe Heavenly Father approves of any relationship that limits spiritual or personal growth. Regardless of the attraction or temptation, we cannot just accept it in order to avoid offending someone. You may say that they can never be happy if we do not make them feel comfortable in the lifestyle they are inclined to follow, and they should have the same rights and chances to be happy as anyone else, but we simply cannot, and do not make laws based on that idea. I may be inclined to steal in order to be "happy" but that doesn't mean it should be legal. I may be inclined to kill people, but that doesn't make it right or legal. Perhaps I feel like I cannot experience joy without hurting people, that still doesn't make it right. It doesn't matter if it's between "consenting individuals." We do not accept this excuse in any other circumstance, but for some reason, we have applied it to the gay narrative. I understand the argument, and I feel the pain of knowing someone may not be able to express their love. That is truly saddening. I have worn those shoes, struggling with things contrary to my values, and it sucks. But it doesn't make them right.
When I first began researching the Church's stance on same-sex attraction back in high school, I was so incredibly glad to find that the Church agreed with this notion that no struggle makes someone inherently unworthy of gospel blessings. The church does not support any extra-marital sexual relationships. Doesn't matter if you're straight or gay. Many people argue that that stance should not prevent the church from supporting gay marriage. But, the fact of the matter is, one of our primary beliefs is that there are spirits waiting in Heaven to be born. And they cannot have the blessings of celestial glory, experience the joy of life, or family, experience personal growth, or gain the experience of finding and choosing Christ on this earth.. without a body. A body is required for growth. And the fact of the matter is that homosexual relationships cannot fulfill that sacred responsibility to create life. Therefore, they are contrary to the plan of God. The fact of the matter remains that we were not sent to this earth just to experience joy and intimacy. We were sent here to learn, to create life, and to grow closer to God. And if homosexual relationships are contrary to God's plan, we cannot grow closer to him by choosing a life contrary to His plan. We cannot grow to be the greatest tool in His hands if we are not striving to fulfill his plan for our lives. Consider for a moment the concept that all our trials and struggles, whether physical, mental, emotional, situational... they'll all disappear in the "next life." If same-sex attraction is nothing more than one of those struggles and it all just disappears... Wouldn't it be sad if that had been one of your primary focuses on identity and growth, and then it was all just stripped away? There are other things, than just our sexuality, regardless of your sexuality, that should be prioritized in life. Helping people come to Christ is one of them.
I will certainly never argue that it is fair. The notion that someone may go through life feeling unable to connect with someone in that special way regardless of the reason, whether it be because they never get married, because they feel an attraction they cannot act on, whatever the reason... that sucks. But life isn't fair for any of us. We all experience things in life that aren't "fair." We all experience things we wish we could change but cannot. That does not make any of us entitled to anything. We are not entitled to "fairness." That does not mean we cannot find joy. Plenty of people never get married. Plenty of people never get what they want. That does not mean we cannot overcome our trials even if they continue to taunt us our entire lives. We are stronger than that. We are more creative than that. Plenty of people go through sucky life experiences, growing up in orphanages and foster care, or being abused in childhood and/or adulthood, or even simply being a woman among chauvinists, or a minority surrounded by racists. The effects of those trials may never leave those people. They may be haunted by them the rest of their lives. But that does not mean they cannot experience joy. Obviously we should do all we can to limit those kinds of things from happening to people, which you may argue is cause to support gay marriage, but like I said... our experiences help us grow to be the tools God needs, and our choices are meant to be ones that align with God's plan. Take away the struggle and perhaps you are taking away that opportunity for growth. No matter our struggles, we are all children of God. We have divine potential. We are loved. In short, we are all awesome. And the beauty of the atonement is that Jesus experienced all pain and temptation. He understands, and knows we can endure. Because he knows just exactly what our potential is. He knows exactly how awesome you are. Trust in that.
Now, on a more relevant note regarding the hashtag, #MormonAndGay... I wonder how many people are wondering how this relates to the comment Elder Bednar made a while back about how there are no gay Mormons. I thought I'd clarify this and talk on it for a moment. Realistically, this is one of those quotes that is taken out of context and has loads more meaning, and makes loads more sense when put in context. The full quote:
"I want to change the question–there are no homosexual members of the Church. We are not defined by sexual attraction. We are not defined by sexual behavior. We are sons and daughters of God and all of us have different challenges in the flesh. . . . Simply being attracted to someone of the same gender is not a sin."
Elder Bednar is by no means attempting to argue that there are no members who experience same-sex attraction. Far from it. He is merely attempting to change the narrative. What he is arguing is that our sexual preference should not be something we consider paramount to our personal identity. I do not consider my attraction toward brunettes as part of my identity. I do not include my love of chocolate as part of my identity. No matter how high on my list of priorities it may be, that still doesn't mean it is part of my identity. I would be considered a strange one indeed if in every introduction I declared my love of cheese as being one of the top things you needed to know about me. Even more "normal" things, like a love of dogs, that very well may be something people include as something people should know about them... doesn't have to be part of their "identity." My identity is first and foremost, a child of God. I am a daughter, a woman, a wife, a mother, I am not my likes and dislikes. I am not my good and bad choices. I am not my trials or traumas. I am not my mental or physical illnesses. I am who I become because of those things. But I am not THEM. And only I can decide who I become because of those things. Thus why one of my favorite quotes is:This is why the church does not tell people who experience same-sex attraction to bite the bullet and marry someone of the opposite sex. Because it would be more miserable to pretend to be interested in something you're not, and unfair to the other person in that partnership, and "going through the motions" is not what our Heavenly Father wants from us. If someone first feels that they have overcome their same-sex attraction and feels they are able to experience heterosexual attraction, then yes, marriage is one of our primary goals as Latter-day saints. But that change is paramount, and not everyone may experience that change in this life. If you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan to show us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become, then you must believe that making choices congruent with that plan should be priority number one. I, for one, am interested in seeing the potential my Heavenly Father sees in me, and doing what I can to reach that potential, rather than focusing first on my personal pleasure."We conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become."
-Dallin H. Oaks
I totally understand the difficulty in not tying one's sexual preferences into their identity. Society has taught us that it is, and it is easy to become a product of societal expectations and beliefs. Might I share the following quote from Elder Holland:
“You serve yourself poorly when you identify yourself primarily by your sexual feelings. That isn’t your only characteristic, so don’t give it disproportionate attention. You are first and foremost a son of God, and He loves you."
I think that is a wonderful way of putting it. Do not underestimate yourself, your identity, or your potential. We each have a thousand personal characteristics, the combination of which make us unique. Who we become because of those combinations are unique. But there is no reason to put one characteristic above the others. Do not give it disproportionate attention. Do not forget your other qualities. Don't forget that you have a hundred talents you could foster, a hundred passions. God did not put us down on earth to experience only sadness or only joy. We need both in our lives. The church is not necessarily trying to push people to forget the characteristic of experiencing same-sex attraction. Merely focus on the growth we can experience by cultivating our other traits. And remember, nobody's worth or value is lessened because of the struggles they experience or the mistakes that they make.
By no means, do I expect everyone and their dog to agree with me. By no means, do I expect that the world will ever accept this notion without divine intervention... By no means do I expect anyone's opinion to change who is not already on the fence. By no means do I intend to insult, hurt or slight anyone or their experiences. And I certainly do not intend to imply that mine is the only opinion that is valid. All I am saying... is that the ability to act on one's impulses is not a prerequisite for happiness... You CAN be gay, and Mormon, and live fully within the guidelines of gospel principles, and be HAPPY. I'm certainly not saying it isn't hard. Lot's of things are hard. But it is possible. And Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But he loves us enough not to encourage us to seek only temporary, earthly happiness. He wants us to seek eternal happiness. Eternity is a lot longer than just today. Plenty of us have been willing to eat our undesired vegetables in order to earn dessert. It may be hard to apply that to the grand scheme of things... but... hard things often have big rewards.
And, if you have made it to the end of this blog... you deserve dessert ;D Let me know if you ever need to cash in. If proximity allows, I'll certainly comply ;D Unless you're some random dude I don't know 😜
Burdens Carried
Sorry it's been a while yet. Lately I've been dwelling on things I keep close to the vest.. So I haven't necessarily known what to say to this audience necessarily. I prolly still don't, but wanted to post something if for no other reason than to release some anxiety by writing.
The other day I came across this story and it seems appropriate to share at this time:
It makes me sad to think that there are probably many people in this boat, carrying their burdens alone because they have yet to take the courage to get help in giving them away to the Lord. 'Cause it sucks to be in that boat.
I was reading through some emails the other day and found a friend's account of her impressions of me before we had ever spoken. I'll share some of what she said.
The other day I came across this story and it seems appropriate to share at this time:
This is something I understand. I was actually very grateful to come across this story because it was one of those confirming moments of "I am not alone." I remember sitting in a bishop's office in college, confessing something that had happened over ten years prior, feeling a little worried the bishop would think I was a tad silly for telling him about something so old.... but also confident, because of the nature of what had happened, that I absolutely needed to take care of it with a bishop. I was certainly embarrassed and full of sorrow, but also grateful for the opportunity to cease carrying the burden on my own, and instead, allow the Savior to take it from me. Realistically it's still something I continue to carry, but I know I am not carrying it alone, even if I haven't been able to completely give it to the Lord yet. And, for that I am grateful.One evening a few years ago, I was interviewing adults for renewal of their temple recommends. A middle-aged woman came in for her interview. She had been married in the temple and was active in the Church all her life.I sensed a deep sadness in her soul. As the interview progressed, I received a spiritual impression. I said to her, “Sister, I have the impression that you made a serious mistake when you were a teenager that you haven’t confessed to a priesthood leader. Would you be willing to tell me about it?”She immediately began to cry. She told me that was true, but she had always felt too embarrassed to confess it to a bishop. As she confessed what she had done, she shared sufficient detail for me to make a determination of her worthiness.The confession of her sin to a priesthood leader marked the end of her repentance process rather than the beginning. She had unnecessarily carried the burden and sorrow of that sin for more than 30 years.Because she had completed the final step of repentance, her guilt was swept away. I would occasionally see her after the night of that interview. Her countenance became bright, and she was happy.... [and] was relieved of feelings of guilt that she had carried far too many years.
It makes me sad to think that there are probably many people in this boat, carrying their burdens alone because they have yet to take the courage to get help in giving them away to the Lord. 'Cause it sucks to be in that boat.
I was reading through some emails the other day and found a friend's account of her impressions of me before we had ever spoken. I'll share some of what she said.
I remember looking at you sometimes and thinking that you looked tired or sad- but that you probably wouldn't tell me if I asked anyway.I suppose I find that interesting. I don't remember specifics from the time period... but I know I was in a spiritual low point at the time and often found myself feeling sullen at church where she had the most opportunity to observe my mood. I mean it's always interesting to see what people thought of you before you became friends, or even early in your friendship... but really I've always been impressed by the level of intuition that observation required. Rarely do I wear my emotions on my face obviously enough for the average person to notice and only when I really don't give a crap haha. Happens more often when I'm grumpy ;) What it comes down to I think, is that I was carrying a burden, a few perhaps. Not "burdens" in the above context meaning ones that needed to be taken to a bishop, but burdens none the less. Burdens that could have been lightened had I found a way at the time to ask my Heavenly Father for help in carrying them, healing them. Burdens can be traumas, trials, sins... no matter the reason, they weigh on our souls and in the long run can effect our countenance. And that is most easily observed by people listening to the Holy Ghost. I look forward to the next chance I have to be prompted by the Spirit, assuming I am smart enough to act on it... so that I can help someone figure out how to lighten their burdens.. wether thats by encouraging them to take it to the Lord, or by listening and becoming their friend. It's a wonderful blessing to help someone lighten their load.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Kintsugi
I'll go ahead and dedicate this blog to my dear sister in law, who had mishaps in her morning that inspired this post. All thanks to a broken trashcan! I'm not the first to have this idea, but it was an appreciated concept in my life today.
I've been having difficulty lately focusing on parts of my life that are in a sense, broken. Moments in which I made mistakes which I still regret. I suppose forgiving myself has been a struggle for most of my life. I can remember a few things that filled me with guilt for years before finally being able to let go of them. At this point in my life, I really only have two to three things that still haunt me in a sense... but their effect has been a heavy weight and I have been uncertain as to how to let go. So, this takes us back to the reason this post is dedicated to my beautiful sister in law.
So the idea here is, that this can be an allegory for our lives as well. Our lives can be more beautiful, because of moments in which they felt broken.
Someone once told me that she believed my life story was evidence that the Lord had bigger plans for me. I suppose when she first said that, I wasn't sure why that might be so... but I have come to understand that my story is unique, even if there are others with similar experiences. The combination of events, the way I experienced things, the after effects, the ways in which I can grow because of them, that is unique.
That's where this concept of kintsugi comes in... I can choose to believe that my life is more beautiful for having been broken. It is unique because of those breaks. And that feels like a very tangible way of understanding how I might be able to let go. The Lord can help us fit the pieces back together. He can be that golden lacquer that holds our broken lives together. He can make our lives more beautiful than we could on our own. And more unique than if we had never been broken. I suppose there is something to be said for the fact that if you find a life, filled with these "cracks of gold," it is evidence that they have returned to God again and again to be made whole. And there is a definite beauty in witnessing someone who has been able to find their strength in God despite life experiences, willing to go back to him again and again, who has been shaped and improved by the Lord so many times. There is a beauty in being broken, and made whole again. And no two lives crack in just the same way even if they experience the same trauma. This provides us with the promise that we can be a unique tool in the Lord's hands. A unique piece of artwork that can inspire people the way no one else can. I'm grateful for the mental image this provides.
Personally, I'm still working on coming to and trusting in the Lord to help me repair the cracks, but I can see that the potential for a beautiful, unique, finished product, is real and possible. I don't have to be forever broken. I don't have to be unpolished and imperfect forever.
In case you missed it, the whole thing is also an allegory for the atonement ;)
Monday, January 9, 2017
Someday
My son's latest kick lately has been saying "Someday I'll _________" turn the oven off, ride that slide, go sledding, cut food, make eggs by myself, ride a roller coaster, etc. I think it's darling, and somehow its fitting that he's picked this up right around the new year. It's like he's got aspirations to be a big kid, but recognizes that he can't do some things right now. And this "someday" kick has allowed him to be very chill about it. It's cute, and it's great. And writing this blog inspired me to set some goals for him so he could experience achieving goals, not just setting them.
I decided that an important part of my goal setting this year would be to sit down with Michael and make some goals together rather than just make my own goals, or only personal goals... this way we can make some goals together! I also felt like it was a bit of a trust exercise. For whatever reason, talking about my goals feels a bit like a vulnerable subject, and it's important that I utilize the occasional opportunity to allow myself to be vulnerable with him so that we can continue to grow closer together. It's also nice to have an accountability partner that's a little more involved than the blogosphere ;)
So, here are our family goals for the year, along with our after-dinner schedule that will be used to achieve some of said goals!
And, just for kicks, here is my current (ideal) schedule for Adam's daily activities
I just realized my second to last goal is written a bit funny, haha. "Read/pray scriptures daily" oops. But, I might leave it. Because while I would like to read scriptures daily, and pray daily, it would probably also be a good idea if I incorporated praying about my scripture reading as well. And perhaps that funny oops will serve as a reminder. My plan for scripture reading is simple. It's a plan I've done before and I quite enjoyed.. I will read, until I feel as though I have gotten something out of it, until I have found something in my reading that I can apply directly to myself. It's the best way I have found to get myself to relate and apply the scriptures to my own life, and that's what I feel I need the most right now. Perhaps later I will add a block of reading like "read for 10 minutes daily" but, for now, I think this plan is what I need most.
Lastly, starting dinner by 5pm! I've been really awful about starting dinner. I usually wait until Michael gets home, and then we realize we're hungry, or Adam starts asking about food, and then we make dinner. Which makes it harder to make legit cooked meals since we are then dealing with grumpy, hungry children. And, it gives me one solid way I can look at the day and feel like I can check mark one qualifier of "good-wifey-ness" haha.
I've been really feeling like Adam needs more routine in his life. His behavior has been spiraling again, and so I'm hoping having a better idea of what to "expect" will help somewhat. I don't anticipate it fixing everything, but, oh well. The other thing that comes into play here, is that I feel like I need to do a better job of blocking off a certain amount of time every day in which I hide my phone away, and I devote my attention purely to my children. Talking to them, playing with them, etc. That's my other unwritten goal, but, perhaps one of the most important ones. Perhaps I'll have to re-print my goals for the wall to include that one ;)
I have loved having his routine on the wall! Even if we're not following it, he has the ability to go look at it, and he knows exactly what he has to do before he can watch a movie in the mornings. And, he can use it to come up with ideas of what he wants to do. I can say "Adam, what would you like to do next?" and he's often walk over to the routine, and say "music time!" or "play with Abby in the playroom!" and it is grand. It also gives both him, and us parentals, a reminder to pray before each meal. Sometimes halfway through the meal, Adam will look over to the routine chart and proclaim "Mom! We forgot to pray!" which is just darling and I love it. I'm so excited to introduce him to the goal pages, and help him achieve his goals, as well as feel more successful as a person as I attempt to achieve my own.
I'm excited to have the weekly routine as well. I love being able to point to the pictures and explain to Adam what we're doing each day. And he argues a lot less when he can look at the routine and see that indeed, the following activity is what we're supposed to be doing next. And having ideas of what to do each evening like Bubble bath night, board game night, movie night, not only fosters family traditions, it also makes life easier, because I don't have to come up with an idea for how to fill the space until bed time haha. And having things planned for Michael and I to do after the kids go to bed, not only ensures that we do things together that don't include Netflix (yknow, actual potential for bonding, not just watching TV), and it will help us be more productive. Michael's really been punching the clock putting in a lot of study time to prepare for his CPA exam that he hopes to take around March/April time frame. And I'm really proud of all his hard work. I certainly couldn't do it! But we also needed to plan to have some occasional fun despite all that clock punching so that he wouldn't burn out, and we could still have time together in the evenings.
Anyway, that's the end, hope you enjoyed my obligatory New Years Resolutions blog ;D
I decided that an important part of my goal setting this year would be to sit down with Michael and make some goals together rather than just make my own goals, or only personal goals... this way we can make some goals together! I also felt like it was a bit of a trust exercise. For whatever reason, talking about my goals feels a bit like a vulnerable subject, and it's important that I utilize the occasional opportunity to allow myself to be vulnerable with him so that we can continue to grow closer together. It's also nice to have an accountability partner that's a little more involved than the blogosphere ;)
So, here are our family goals for the year, along with our after-dinner schedule that will be used to achieve some of said goals!
And, just for kicks, here is my current (ideal) schedule for Adam's daily activities
As far as my goals go... I really thought long and hard about what to make my goals be. I wanted them to be personal, achievable, and things that would take me in the direction I'm hoping to go. I suppose the other, unmentioned goal there for me, is to be better at maintaining routine ;) Thus all of the excel sheets and routine charts, ha. I created my categories: Physical, Spiritual, Personal, Family, and wanted a few goals for each category. But I also didn't want it to spin into some huge long unachievable list of goals that looked overwhelming.
I've got to say, that my favorite goal so far has been drinking water. It's the most tangible goal on there! It honestly makes me feel as though I have one thing in my day in which I can say, I succeeded at life. Ha. I wanted to incorporate exercise into my goals, but I really wanted it to feel achievable, and like something I would actually do. I really don't care much about exercise, and I never have. So my motivation is rather lacking in that area. But I do want to incorporate it so that theoretically it has the chance to lift my mood and energy ;) So, since I got a small stepper machine for Christmas, I decided I could feasibly walk on my stepper for the first little while when Adam is watching his morning movie, before I move on to chores/being otherwise productive. I may eventually up the step count, but, for now... it'll do.
As far as self-care goes.. writing in my "burn journal" lately, in which I am only writing to myself, or to Heavenly Father, instead of to my progenitors, or other potential audience members... has been very helpful. I have really felt like I have been better fulfilling that the "self-care" category lately. It's extremely cathartic, and I find it very helpful. But, I also have felt like I need to incorporate other ways to meet this need, which is why our weekly calendar has a weekly Bubble bath, and a bi-weekly walk penciled in so that I can have some "me time." Hopefully I'm brave enough to go on short walks in the winter, despite the cold ;) I also have some time penciled in on Friday's to read my self-help books, whereas the Sunday reading slot you see is intended for purely entertainment reading which will help Michael with his goal too..
I suppose I should clarify... my "Journaling" goal, it's intended to imply my regular journal, not my "burn journal." I want to get back into the habit of journaling regularly. The burn journal, I only write in when I feel the need. No "shoulds" or "oughts" involved in how often I do it... which I love all the more.
I just realized my second to last goal is written a bit funny, haha. "Read/pray scriptures daily" oops. But, I might leave it. Because while I would like to read scriptures daily, and pray daily, it would probably also be a good idea if I incorporated praying about my scripture reading as well. And perhaps that funny oops will serve as a reminder. My plan for scripture reading is simple. It's a plan I've done before and I quite enjoyed.. I will read, until I feel as though I have gotten something out of it, until I have found something in my reading that I can apply directly to myself. It's the best way I have found to get myself to relate and apply the scriptures to my own life, and that's what I feel I need the most right now. Perhaps later I will add a block of reading like "read for 10 minutes daily" but, for now, I think this plan is what I need most.
Lastly, starting dinner by 5pm! I've been really awful about starting dinner. I usually wait until Michael gets home, and then we realize we're hungry, or Adam starts asking about food, and then we make dinner. Which makes it harder to make legit cooked meals since we are then dealing with grumpy, hungry children. And, it gives me one solid way I can look at the day and feel like I can check mark one qualifier of "good-wifey-ness" haha.
I've been really feeling like Adam needs more routine in his life. His behavior has been spiraling again, and so I'm hoping having a better idea of what to "expect" will help somewhat. I don't anticipate it fixing everything, but, oh well. The other thing that comes into play here, is that I feel like I need to do a better job of blocking off a certain amount of time every day in which I hide my phone away, and I devote my attention purely to my children. Talking to them, playing with them, etc. That's my other unwritten goal, but, perhaps one of the most important ones. Perhaps I'll have to re-print my goals for the wall to include that one ;)
I have loved having his routine on the wall! Even if we're not following it, he has the ability to go look at it, and he knows exactly what he has to do before he can watch a movie in the mornings. And, he can use it to come up with ideas of what he wants to do. I can say "Adam, what would you like to do next?" and he's often walk over to the routine, and say "music time!" or "play with Abby in the playroom!" and it is grand. It also gives both him, and us parentals, a reminder to pray before each meal. Sometimes halfway through the meal, Adam will look over to the routine chart and proclaim "Mom! We forgot to pray!" which is just darling and I love it. I'm so excited to introduce him to the goal pages, and help him achieve his goals, as well as feel more successful as a person as I attempt to achieve my own.
I'm excited to have the weekly routine as well. I love being able to point to the pictures and explain to Adam what we're doing each day. And he argues a lot less when he can look at the routine and see that indeed, the following activity is what we're supposed to be doing next. And having ideas of what to do each evening like Bubble bath night, board game night, movie night, not only fosters family traditions, it also makes life easier, because I don't have to come up with an idea for how to fill the space until bed time haha. And having things planned for Michael and I to do after the kids go to bed, not only ensures that we do things together that don't include Netflix (yknow, actual potential for bonding, not just watching TV), and it will help us be more productive. Michael's really been punching the clock putting in a lot of study time to prepare for his CPA exam that he hopes to take around March/April time frame. And I'm really proud of all his hard work. I certainly couldn't do it! But we also needed to plan to have some occasional fun despite all that clock punching so that he wouldn't burn out, and we could still have time together in the evenings.
Anyway, that's the end, hope you enjoyed my obligatory New Years Resolutions blog ;D
Friday, January 6, 2017
Deflection
Well hello folks! I feel like it's been a while! Admittedly, I have started journaling again recently and it has helped me feel like I have less to talk about here because I'm expressing it elsewhere. Which, is healthy for me. But, it's also just been the holidays and I don't believe in spending much time on tech when I should be around family if I can help it. So, here we are! I'm still working on my New Years Resolutions, which I will share with you when I feel like I'm all done, (weird that I'm still working on them, I know... but I also feel like the fact that it's less centered around the first of the year, and more centered on taking the time I need to flesh out how I can best grow and succeed, is what's best for me, so, it's okay that I'm late ;).
Anyway, I have been doing a lot of introspection lately! That is the word of the day! It helps that I drove for 5 hours of our trek to Utah for the holidays... and I had about 4 hours of driving time earlier this week for the trip to and from a doctor's appointment for my son. Driving long distances like that definitely gets me thinking. Sometimes that's why having a roadtrip buddy can be fun, as my mother in law reminded me the other day, because you have a lot of time to flesh out some fun conversations you might not have otherwise had! But it can also be nice to have that alone time to think. And my kids were pretty quiet so I had the blessing of being able to think.
I don't have the time to tell you all the things I realized about myself, or the dots I connected regarding my childhood... and really... it's okay for some of those things to remain only in my head ;) But it was really healthy for me, and I really appreciate having connected those dots. The one thing I will talk about, is that I realized in the last week or two that I have gotten really skilled in the art of deflection. It seems so bizarre to me to look back at myself in some of my therapy sessions and observe just how much I used humor or self deprication to deflect... to keep from feeling vulnerable, to keep myself from crying, to keep myself from feeling too sensitive. Some of my most tender memories with people are times when they just held me as I cried, or even just sat there and listened to me despite how much my body was shaking. The idea that I have so instinctively learned this kind of deflection to keep myself from experiencing those things seems so weird. My therapist said people often tend to close themselves off a lot more around the age of 25.. but it still feels foreign. I understood that I had created a bit of a wall between myself and a lot of my emotions... I understood that I had created that distance, but I suppose I hadn't realized that I had figured out how to stop those emotions in their tracks even when they were right at the door so to speak. My therapist mentioned that our bodies don't necessarily differentiate between physical and emotional pain.... they merely attempt to devise ways to prevent future pain, and it seems I've gotten pretty good at lying to myself or not taking myself seriously in order to keep that distance from how I feel.
I made the connection the other day when I was talking to a friend of mine. Through the course of conversation, it just so happened that it came up that there were a few years of my life where I had one of about 2-3 recurring nightmares (or variations on a theme) just about every single night during that stretch of time. For me, at this point, it mostly just feels like an understandable factoid within the context of my life. But she started asking sincere, probative questions about it, which, no one has ever done. And I caught myself coming off really insensitive about it. Like it was something meaningless that didn't have any effect on me or my life, and that the subject matter of these nightmares was trivial... and I had to stop and apologize to this friend along the lines of "sorry, I don't mean to make light of this, I think it's just how I have learned to distance myself from how much it used to hurt" She understood, and I knew she would. But it did prompt my continued thoughts on the concept of deflection.
Anyway, I don't have a whole lot more to say about the matter. Clearly it's a defense mechanism... But I do want to lessen it, so that I can increase my ability to be honest and genuine, and allow myself to be vulnerable more often again. So, I give you permission, if you catch me deflecting in some way, to call me out on it, so that I can have a second chance at being more genuine in that moment, and letting you get closer to me, by seeing a more real emotion than just me trying to keep my emotions in the bag. And it may be that I end up saying I'm not ready to broach the subject further in that moment, whatever the subject may be... but at least that is more honest than me hiding behind sarcasm or self deprecation, or humor, or laughing at myself. And ya'll deserve that honesty. And I also need to be more honest with myself. That is going to be one of my themes for this year... being honest with myself, about my weaknesses, about my pain, and about my potential.
Anyway, I have been doing a lot of introspection lately! That is the word of the day! It helps that I drove for 5 hours of our trek to Utah for the holidays... and I had about 4 hours of driving time earlier this week for the trip to and from a doctor's appointment for my son. Driving long distances like that definitely gets me thinking. Sometimes that's why having a roadtrip buddy can be fun, as my mother in law reminded me the other day, because you have a lot of time to flesh out some fun conversations you might not have otherwise had! But it can also be nice to have that alone time to think. And my kids were pretty quiet so I had the blessing of being able to think.
I don't have the time to tell you all the things I realized about myself, or the dots I connected regarding my childhood... and really... it's okay for some of those things to remain only in my head ;) But it was really healthy for me, and I really appreciate having connected those dots. The one thing I will talk about, is that I realized in the last week or two that I have gotten really skilled in the art of deflection. It seems so bizarre to me to look back at myself in some of my therapy sessions and observe just how much I used humor or self deprication to deflect... to keep from feeling vulnerable, to keep myself from crying, to keep myself from feeling too sensitive. Some of my most tender memories with people are times when they just held me as I cried, or even just sat there and listened to me despite how much my body was shaking. The idea that I have so instinctively learned this kind of deflection to keep myself from experiencing those things seems so weird. My therapist said people often tend to close themselves off a lot more around the age of 25.. but it still feels foreign. I understood that I had created a bit of a wall between myself and a lot of my emotions... I understood that I had created that distance, but I suppose I hadn't realized that I had figured out how to stop those emotions in their tracks even when they were right at the door so to speak. My therapist mentioned that our bodies don't necessarily differentiate between physical and emotional pain.... they merely attempt to devise ways to prevent future pain, and it seems I've gotten pretty good at lying to myself or not taking myself seriously in order to keep that distance from how I feel.
I made the connection the other day when I was talking to a friend of mine. Through the course of conversation, it just so happened that it came up that there were a few years of my life where I had one of about 2-3 recurring nightmares (or variations on a theme) just about every single night during that stretch of time. For me, at this point, it mostly just feels like an understandable factoid within the context of my life. But she started asking sincere, probative questions about it, which, no one has ever done. And I caught myself coming off really insensitive about it. Like it was something meaningless that didn't have any effect on me or my life, and that the subject matter of these nightmares was trivial... and I had to stop and apologize to this friend along the lines of "sorry, I don't mean to make light of this, I think it's just how I have learned to distance myself from how much it used to hurt" She understood, and I knew she would. But it did prompt my continued thoughts on the concept of deflection.
Anyway, I don't have a whole lot more to say about the matter. Clearly it's a defense mechanism... But I do want to lessen it, so that I can increase my ability to be honest and genuine, and allow myself to be vulnerable more often again. So, I give you permission, if you catch me deflecting in some way, to call me out on it, so that I can have a second chance at being more genuine in that moment, and letting you get closer to me, by seeing a more real emotion than just me trying to keep my emotions in the bag. And it may be that I end up saying I'm not ready to broach the subject further in that moment, whatever the subject may be... but at least that is more honest than me hiding behind sarcasm or self deprecation, or humor, or laughing at myself. And ya'll deserve that honesty. And I also need to be more honest with myself. That is going to be one of my themes for this year... being honest with myself, about my weaknesses, about my pain, and about my potential.
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