Burdens Carried

Sorry it's been a while yet. Lately I've been dwelling on things I keep close to the vest.. So I haven't necessarily known what to say to this audience necessarily. I prolly still don't, but wanted to post something if for no other reason than to release some anxiety by writing.

The other day I came across this story and it seems appropriate to share at this time:

One evening a few years ago, I was interviewing adults for renewal of their temple recommends. A middle-aged woman came in for her interview. She had been married in the temple and was active in the Church all her life.

I sensed a deep sadness in her soul. As the interview progressed, I received a spiritual impression. I said to her, “Sister, I have the impression that you made a serious mistake when you were a teenager that you haven’t confessed to a priesthood leader. Would you be willing to tell me about it?”

She immediately began to cry. She told me that was true, but she had always felt too embarrassed to confess it to a bishop. As she confessed what she had done, she shared sufficient detail for me to make a determination of her worthiness.

The confession of her sin to a priesthood leader marked the end of her repentance process rather than the beginning. She had unnecessarily carried the burden and sorrow of that sin for more than 30 years.

Because she had completed the final step of repentance, her guilt was swept away. I would occasionally see her after the night of that interview. Her countenance became bright, and she was happy.... [and] was relieved of feelings of guilt that she had carried far too many years.

This is something I understand. I was actually very grateful to come across this story because it was one of those confirming moments of "I am not alone." I remember sitting in a bishop's office in college, confessing something that had happened over ten years prior, feeling a little worried the bishop would think I was a tad silly for telling him about something so old.... but also confident, because of the nature of what had happened, that I absolutely needed to take care of it with a bishop. I was certainly embarrassed and full of sorrow, but also grateful for the opportunity to cease carrying the burden on my own, and instead, allow the Savior to take it from me. Realistically it's still something I continue to carry, but I know I am not carrying it alone, even if I haven't been able to completely give it to the Lord yet. And, for that I am grateful.

It makes me sad to think that there are probably many people in this boat, carrying their burdens alone because they have yet to take the courage to get help in giving them away to the Lord. 'Cause it sucks to be in that boat.

I was reading through some emails the other day and found a friend's account of her impressions of me before we had ever spoken. I'll share some of what she said.

I remember looking at you sometimes and thinking that you looked tired or sad- but that you probably wouldn't tell me if I asked anyway.

I suppose I find that interesting. I don't remember specifics from the time period... but I know I was in a spiritual low point at the time and often found myself feeling sullen at church where she had the most opportunity to observe my mood. I mean it's always interesting to see what people thought of you before you became friends, or even early in your friendship... but really I've always been impressed by the level of intuition that observation required. Rarely do I wear my emotions on my face obviously enough for the average person to notice and only when I really don't give a crap haha. Happens more often when I'm grumpy ;) What it comes down to I think, is that I was carrying a burden, a few perhaps. Not "burdens" in the above context meaning ones that needed to be taken to a bishop, but burdens none the less. Burdens that could have been lightened had I found a way at the time to ask my Heavenly Father for help in carrying them, healing them. Burdens can be traumas, trials, sins... no matter the reason, they weigh on our souls and in the long run can effect our countenance. And that is most easily observed by people listening to the Holy Ghost. I look forward to the next chance I have to be prompted by the Spirit, assuming I am smart enough to act on it... so that I can help someone figure out how to lighten their burdens.. wether thats by encouraging them to take it to the Lord, or by listening and becoming their friend. It's a wonderful blessing to help someone lighten their load.

Kintsugi

I'll go ahead and dedicate this blog to my dear sister in law, who had mishaps in her morning that inspired this post. All thanks to a broken trashcan! I'm not the first to have this idea, but it was an appreciated concept in my life today.

I've been having difficulty lately focusing on parts of my life that are in a sense, broken. Moments in which I made mistakes which I still regret. I suppose forgiving myself has been a struggle for most of my life. I can remember a few things that filled me with guilt for years before finally being able to let go of them. At this point in my life, I really only have two to three things that still haunt me in a sense... but their effect has been a heavy weight and I have been uncertain as to how to let go. So, this takes us back to the reason this post is dedicated to my beautiful sister in law.

So the idea here is, that this can be an allegory for our lives as well. Our lives can be more beautiful, because of moments in which they felt broken. 

Someone once told me that she believed my life story was evidence that the Lord had bigger plans for me. I suppose when she first said that, I wasn't sure why that might be so... but I have come to understand that my story is unique, even if there are others with similar experiences. The combination of events, the way I experienced things, the after effects, the ways in which I can grow because of them, that is unique. 

That's where this concept of kintsugi comes in... I can choose to believe that my life is more beautiful for having been broken. It is unique because of those breaks. And that feels like a very tangible way of understanding how I might be able to let go. The Lord can help us fit the pieces back together. He can be that golden lacquer that holds our broken lives together. He can make our lives more beautiful than we could on our own. And more unique than if we had never been broken. I suppose there is something to be said for the fact that if you find a life, filled with these "cracks of gold," it is evidence that they have returned to God again and again to be made whole. And there is a definite beauty in witnessing someone who has been able to find their strength in God despite life experiences, willing to go back to him again and again, who has been shaped and improved by the Lord so many times. There is a beauty in being broken, and made whole again. And no two lives crack in just the same way even if they experience the same trauma. This provides us with the promise that we can be a unique tool in the Lord's hands. A unique piece of artwork that can inspire people the way no one else can. I'm grateful for the mental image this provides. 

Personally, I'm still working on coming to and trusting in the Lord to help me repair the cracks, but I can see that the potential for a beautiful, unique, finished product, is real and possible. I don't have to be forever broken. I don't have to be unpolished and imperfect forever.

In case you missed it, the whole thing is also an allegory for the atonement ;)

Someday

My son's latest kick lately has been saying "Someday I'll _________" turn the oven off, ride that slide, go sledding, cut food, make eggs by myself, ride a roller coaster, etc. I think it's darling, and somehow its fitting that he's picked this up right around the new year. It's like he's got aspirations to be a big kid, but recognizes that he can't do some things right now. And this "someday" kick has allowed him to be very chill about it. It's cute, and it's great. And writing this blog inspired me to set some goals for him so he could experience achieving goals, not just setting them.

I decided that an important part of my goal setting this year would be to sit down with Michael and make some goals together rather than just make my own goals, or only personal goals... this way we can make some goals together! I also felt like it was a bit of a trust exercise. For whatever reason, talking about my goals feels a bit like a vulnerable subject, and it's important that I utilize the occasional opportunity to allow myself to be vulnerable with him so that we can continue to grow closer together. It's also nice to have an accountability partner that's a little more involved than the blogosphere ;)

So, here are our family goals for the year, along with our after-dinner schedule that will be used to achieve some of said goals!

And, just for kicks, here is my current (ideal) schedule for Adam's daily activities

As far as my goals go... I really thought long and hard about what to make my goals be. I wanted them to be personal, achievable, and things that would take me in the direction I'm hoping to go. I suppose the other, unmentioned goal there for me, is to be better at maintaining routine ;) Thus all of the excel sheets and routine charts, ha. I created my categories: Physical, Spiritual, Personal, Family, and wanted a few goals for each category. But I also didn't want it to spin into some huge long unachievable list of goals that looked overwhelming. 

I've got to say, that my favorite goal so far has been drinking water. It's the most tangible goal on there! It honestly makes me feel as though I have one thing in my day in which I can say, I succeeded at life. Ha. I wanted to incorporate exercise into my goals, but I really wanted it to feel achievable, and like something I would actually do. I really don't care much about exercise, and I never have. So my motivation is rather lacking in that area. But I do want to incorporate it so that theoretically it has the chance to lift my mood and energy ;) So, since I got a small stepper machine for Christmas, I decided I could feasibly walk on my stepper for the first little while when Adam is watching his morning movie, before I move on to chores/being otherwise productive. I may eventually up the step count, but, for now... it'll do.

As far as self-care goes.. writing in my "burn journal" lately, in which I am only writing to myself, or to Heavenly Father, instead of to my progenitors, or other potential audience members... has been very helpful. I have really felt like I have been better fulfilling that the "self-care" category lately. It's extremely cathartic, and I find it very helpful. But, I also have felt like I need to incorporate other ways to meet this need, which is why our weekly calendar has a weekly Bubble bath, and a bi-weekly walk penciled in so that I can have some "me time." Hopefully I'm brave enough to go on short walks in the winter, despite the cold ;) I also have some time penciled in on Friday's to read my self-help books, whereas the Sunday reading slot you see is intended for purely entertainment reading which will help Michael with his goal too..

I suppose I should clarify... my "Journaling" goal, it's intended to imply my regular journal, not my "burn journal." I want to get back into the habit of journaling regularly. The burn journal, I only write in when I feel the need. No "shoulds" or "oughts" involved in how often I do it... which I love all the more.

I just realized my second to last goal is written a bit funny, haha. "Read/pray scriptures daily" oops. But, I might leave it. Because while I would like to read scriptures daily, and pray daily, it would probably also be a good idea if I incorporated praying about my scripture reading as well. And perhaps that funny oops will serve as a reminder. My plan for scripture reading is simple. It's a plan I've done before and I quite enjoyed.. I will read, until I feel as though I have gotten something out of it, until I have found something in my reading that I can apply directly to myself. It's the best way I have found to get myself to relate and apply the scriptures to my own life, and that's what I feel I need the most right now. Perhaps later I will add a block of reading like "read for 10 minutes daily" but, for now, I think this plan is what I need most.

Lastly, starting dinner by 5pm! I've been really awful about starting dinner. I usually wait until Michael gets home, and then we realize we're hungry, or Adam starts asking about food, and then we make dinner. Which makes it harder to make legit cooked meals since we are then dealing with grumpy, hungry children. And, it gives me one solid way I can look at the day and feel like I can check mark one qualifier of "good-wifey-ness" haha.

I've been really feeling like Adam needs more routine in his life. His behavior has been spiraling again, and so I'm hoping having a better idea of what to "expect" will help somewhat. I don't anticipate it fixing everything, but, oh well. The other thing that comes into play here, is that I feel like I need to do a better job of blocking off a certain amount of time every day in which I hide my phone away, and I devote my attention purely to my children. Talking to them, playing with them, etc. That's my other unwritten goal, but, perhaps one of the most important ones. Perhaps I'll have to re-print my goals for the wall to include that one ;)

I have loved having his routine on the wall! Even if we're not following it, he has the ability to go look at it, and he knows exactly what he has to do before he can watch a movie in the mornings. And, he can use it to come up with ideas of what he wants to do. I can say "Adam, what would you like to do next?" and he's often walk over to the routine, and say "music time!" or "play with Abby in the playroom!" and it is grand. It also gives both him, and us parentals, a reminder to pray before each meal. Sometimes halfway through the meal, Adam will look over to the routine chart and proclaim "Mom! We forgot to pray!" which is just darling and I love it. I'm so excited to introduce him to the goal pages, and help him achieve his goals, as well as feel more successful as a person as I attempt to achieve my own.

I'm excited to have the weekly routine as well. I love being able to point to the pictures and explain to Adam what we're doing each day. And he argues a lot less when he can look at the routine and see that indeed, the following activity is what we're supposed to be doing next. And having ideas of what to do each evening like Bubble bath night, board game night, movie night, not only fosters family traditions, it also makes life easier, because I don't have to come up with an idea for how to fill the space until bed time haha. And having things planned for Michael and I to do after the kids go to bed, not only ensures that we do things together that don't include Netflix (yknow, actual potential for bonding, not just watching TV), and it will help us be more productive. Michael's really been punching the clock putting in a lot of study time to prepare for his CPA exam that he hopes to take around March/April time frame. And I'm really proud of all his hard work. I certainly couldn't do it! But we also needed to plan to have some occasional fun despite all that clock punching so that he wouldn't burn out, and we could still have time together in the evenings.

Anyway, that's the end, hope you enjoyed my obligatory New Years Resolutions blog ;D

Deflection

Well hello folks! I feel like it's been a while! Admittedly, I have started journaling again recently and it has helped me feel like I have less to talk about here because I'm expressing it elsewhere. Which, is healthy for me. But, it's also just been the holidays and I don't believe in spending much time on tech when I should be around family if I can help it. So, here we are! I'm still working on my New Years Resolutions, which I will share with you when I feel like I'm all done, (weird that I'm still working on them, I know... but I also feel like the fact that it's less centered around the first of the year, and more centered on taking the time I need to flesh out how I can best grow and succeed, is what's best for me, so, it's okay that I'm late ;).

Anyway, I have been doing a lot of introspection lately! That is the word of the day! It helps that I drove for 5 hours of our trek to Utah for the holidays... and I had about 4 hours of driving time earlier this week for the trip to and from a doctor's appointment for my son. Driving long distances like that definitely gets me thinking. Sometimes that's why having a roadtrip buddy can be fun, as my mother in law reminded me the other day, because you have a lot of time to flesh out some fun conversations you might not have otherwise had! But it can also be nice to have that alone time to think. And my kids were pretty quiet so I had the blessing of being able to think.

I don't have the time to tell you all the things I realized about myself, or the dots I connected regarding my childhood... and really... it's okay for some of those things to remain only in my head ;) But it was really healthy for me, and I really appreciate having connected those dots. The one thing I will talk about, is that I realized in the last week or two that I have gotten really skilled in the art of deflection. It seems so bizarre to me to look back at myself in some of my therapy sessions and observe just how much I used humor or self deprication to deflect... to keep from feeling vulnerable, to keep myself from crying, to keep myself from feeling too sensitive. Some of my most tender memories with people are times when they just held me as I cried, or even just sat there and listened to me despite how much my body was shaking. The idea that I have so instinctively learned this kind of deflection to keep myself from experiencing those things seems so weird. My therapist said people often tend to close themselves off a lot more around the age of 25.. but it still feels foreign. I understood that I had created a bit of a wall between myself and a lot of my emotions... I understood that I had created that distance, but I suppose I hadn't realized that I had figured out how to stop those emotions in their tracks even when they were right at the door so to speak. My therapist mentioned that our bodies don't necessarily differentiate between physical and emotional pain.... they merely attempt to devise ways to prevent future pain, and it seems I've gotten pretty good at lying to myself or not taking myself seriously in order to keep that distance from how I feel.

I made the connection the other day when I was talking to a friend of mine. Through the course of conversation, it just so happened that it came up that there were a few years of my life where I had one of about 2-3 recurring nightmares (or variations on a theme) just about every single night during that stretch of time. For me, at this point, it mostly just feels like an understandable factoid within the context of my life. But she started asking sincere, probative questions about it, which, no one has ever done. And I caught myself coming off really insensitive about it. Like it was something meaningless that didn't have any effect on me or my life, and that the subject matter of these nightmares was trivial... and I had to stop and apologize to this friend along the lines of "sorry, I don't mean to make light of this, I think it's just how I have learned to distance myself from how much it used to hurt" She understood, and I knew she would. But it did prompt my continued thoughts on the concept of deflection.

Anyway, I don't have a whole lot more to say about the matter. Clearly it's a defense mechanism... But I do want to lessen it, so that I can increase my ability to be honest and genuine, and allow myself to be vulnerable more often again. So, I give you permission, if you catch me deflecting in some way, to call me out on it, so that I can have a second chance at being more genuine in that moment, and letting you get closer to me, by seeing a more real emotion than just me trying to keep my emotions in the bag. And it may be that I end up saying I'm not ready to broach the subject further in that moment, whatever the subject may be... but at least that is more honest than me hiding behind sarcasm or self deprecation, or humor, or laughing at myself. And ya'll deserve that honesty. And I also need to be more honest with myself. That is going to be one of my themes for this year... being honest with myself, about my weaknesses, about my pain, and about my potential.

Stigma

I've written a few blogs in the last week that haven't felt quite right to post. But I think this one will do the trick. Something I've been thinking about the last few days is stigma. I absolutely hate stigma! I've had a number of friends over the years not want to get a diagnosis because of the stigma attached to said diagnosis. That irks me, because I also know there can be great healing from receiving a diagnosis. It can mean that someone knows better how to help you, it can bring you better understanding of yourself. To be clear, it doesn't irk me that these friends don't want to receive a diagnosis--it irks me that our society has created and encouraged the stigma attached to those diagnosese that makes them uncomfortable! I've never really understood it most of my life though... I suppose I've never received a diagnosis with much stigma attached to it. But I also suppose that's partially why I don't openly share all the details of my life either. Because there is stigma attached to much of who I am, or what I struggle with, and it won't help me to know that someone judges me for it.

This weekend, my therapist recommended that I begin attending an addiction recovery group, and gave me an informal diagnosis of sorts. Receiving this suggestion and diagnosis has suddenly made me very well aware of how my friends have felt wanting to avoid stigma. It's something I am not likely to often share which makes me a tad sad because at the same time it has provided me with the ability to analyze myself in a new way and make me feel closer to healing. And the only reason I feel comfortable sharing this information here, is because I am fully aware of the fact that the only people who read this blog, besides when I post things to Facebook, are people who love me, whom I trust...not that it doesn't still make me feel vulnerable but sometimes that's okay.

Even when my therapist first began to suggest the group, I knew it might be helpful, but at the same time, didn't want to go for fear of the assumptions people would make upon learning or witnessing my attendance to such a meeting. I know full well that substance abuse and pornography are considered two of the most obvious reasons someone might go, which, for me, are not the reason why I'm going. For me, it's more... a way of thinking that I am clinging to, and the atonement is the best way for me to let go... and the LDS addiction recovery program focuses a lot on the atonement. So, it will help provide me with some structure with which to study the atonement, let go of things, and return Christ to his proper position in my life. I've been feeling like I needed to study the atonement but didn't know where to begin, so this suggestion felt like an answer to a silent prayer. Utilizing the atonement to get closer to Christ feels like the best way to feel understood. People have always told me that Christ has experienced all, and is therefore the only one who can truly understand how we feel. Which I've always understood, but never really felt able to utilize. So, that is the hope in attending ARP. And, in attending ARP, I hope to be able to let go of certain things that cause me to hate myself.

Of course, there's always more to the story... but anyway... I've been grateful for the support from people who love me. I know that people who love you are capable of letting go of stigma in order to support those they love. And that, is a blessing indeed.

To Text or Pray--That is the Question!

Sorry to blog twice in one day but things have happened, conversations had and my mind is on a new track.. A while ago I was sitting in a Relief Society meeting at church when someone referenced a quote from some talk along the lines of "are you as quick to pray as you are to text" At the time, it struck me but in a different way. At the time we were talking more along the lines of children driving you crazy, and choosing to text your spouse to whine instead of choosing to pray to your Heavenly Father for comfort or aid. Which, was good for me to hear, but it's also advice I can apply in a different way in my life..

I have always appreciated having close friends with whom I can have deep, personal conversations with. However, over the years, I have felt like these conversations have become increasingly frequent even though I don't necessarily feel like they are even being all that beneficial either for me or for those I'm having the conversation with. Someone asked me today if I was having these conversations to vent, or to solve problems... the occasional vent is fine, but as far as solving problems go, I needed to evaluate whether said problems would better solved by my therapist rather than with a friend. When I started going to therapy, I started to wonder if really I've just been having these conversations because some part of me knew I had stuff that was still unresolved and was seeking to solve it. Even though rationally speaking it's not like I would ever have expected any of my friends to say something magical to fix whatever in me was messed up by my childhood. Maybe I was hoping they would though... although sometimes I think I was also hoping that talking about it more would increase my chance in finding people with similar backgrounds... with the idea that if I helped enough other people work through their crap, maybe I'd feel better or work through my own as well... or something... I dunno. Or just make it more worth it.

But now that I've started being able to have these kinds of deep conversations with a therapist, and had some success in changing my mindset... I also feel a little bit stuck on where to draw the line... what do friends talk about, versus what should I just keep to my prayers, my journal, my therapist. And, of course, I do need to be better at opening up and allowing myself to be more vulnerable with my spouse as well. I really just don't know. I do think the question of whether its a need to vent, versus a need to fix things is an important perspective to start with... but still... I just dont want to feel like I'm overutilizing a friend for something a therapist is better suited for anyway. But I recognize that it is still important to open up to your friends and share the bad with the good. Like I said... where to draw the line is the probelm.

Where I have struggled with prayer for so long, I am left with the reminder "are you as quick to pray as you are to text" and I have to evaluate my ability to rely more on the Lord rather than those around me. And sometimes, I just need to be able to work through my feelings and feel like I'm expressing them. Sometimes a blog fits the bill, sometimes a journal fits it better. Sometimes I think a journal is a bit like a written prayer. The Lord can be my audience because no one else is reading it but me and him or something. And I like that. I can focus my thoughts so much better in text than I can out loud in a vocal prayer.  And because I'm having to take the time to write it out, I think it's also easier for me to take the time and feel His responses. Athough, vocal prayer is still an important medium. Sometimes a person is what fits the need of the hour... it depends. Sometimes I just want someone to understand. And I feel like its more meaningful if that comes from someone you love rather than a therapist... but at the same time, therapists can be a little more experienced in empathy, so you might have a higher success rate with them.. I dunno... and I've got to figure it out a little better so I don't need to feel like such a drain on the friendships I am blessed with. Of course, feel free to insert a statement about how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only ones who can truly understand what we are experiencing, thanks to the atonement. I do need to gain a stronger testimony of that concept since it really does have the most potential for comfort.

I feel like I have been stuck for so long... there has to be a reason attached to it that is my fault. I'm not trying hard enough. And I'm really not... but I also just don't feel ready... but I also don't want that to be a stable excuse to rely on either. I feel so lame saying it. Hate feeling like I'm just using excuses. Someone reminded me that I have had successes this year and I shouldn't feel like I've been without any progress. It's okay for progress to be slow, so long as  you have it. And that's true. And I have been really grateful for the progress I have made.. I've talked about that concept with my therapist as well. And I'm really grateful for that someone acknowledging that and helping me focus a little more on my successes rather than my failings in a way that didn't just feel like an attempt to sugar coat ;) It really should be okay that I haven't perfected certain areas of my life... because I can't do everything all at once, and that's okay. But I'm good enough at seeing my failings all on my own realistically. I just also know that I have had relapses and I don't like feeling that I'm taking a step backward after finally taking a step forward.

Anyway, I'm going to be going back to therapy again... so maybe I'll have better insights soon ;)

An Infinite potential

Sometimes I think we are provided with times in which we feel isolated.. when no one around us understands how we feel, as a refresher, a reminder that we don't know how the people around us feel, what they're going through.

I remember as a teenager watching my friends go through periods of really not liking themselves. Usually because of their personal appearance, but sometimes because of other factors as well. It always made me so sad because I wished they could see themselves how I saw them. They were beautiful people, great friends, and the kind of wholesome people that just make you want to be friends with them because you secretly wished you could be more like them. Yknow? I remember giving one friend in particular, some homework to try and build up her self esteem. Writing lists of things she liked about herself, looking herself in the mirror and telling herself that she was beautiful and wonderful! Sounds silly... but that was one of the first ways I was able to build my self esteem in middle school. I realized that the people who were the most beautiful, had confidence. It was their confidence that added to their attractiveness. So I decided, that I needed to love me, before somebody else could. Looked myself in the mirror in the mornings and told myself I was beautiful. No matter how much it made me cringe because I didn't believe it was true, or because of the awkwardness of the situation ;) Haha. I do feel like it helped though. Which is why I wanted to be able to pass it on so it could potentially help this friend of mine.

Every once in a while... it hits me... that I am repeating the same behavior that I have lamented seeing in my friends... It's so silly that it's so much harder for us to see the beauty and goodness in ourselves than it is to see in others. I imagine that it's frequently how God feels... he can see our potential, and desperately wants us to see ourselves as he sees us so that we can make those leaps and bounds! Sometimes I think it's the knowledge of that potential that makes me hate myself though. Because I already feel like I could be better... if my potential is greater than the distance I already know I have to go... it just feels a bit hopeless. Which, of course, is why we need the Lord's help. I've never been very good at letting people help me ;)

The decision not to hate myself has seemed harder lately. And there have been moments when I have failed, and moments when I have come closer to turning that ship all the way around.. I guess it just feels like there is more I have done/am doing wrong, than I am doing right. Positive words from others don't usually make me feel any better.. it feels like I have a bit more baggage than I'm worth. Too much that people don't know that I feel like would change their view of me if they did. Which I recognize is a bit unfair since I do have people who love me regardless of some of these faults. But hey, who said I had to be rational. It's hard for me to identify why these things are being harder to accept about myself than they have been in the past... Perhaps because they seem more relavent to my struggle than they used to be. Like I said, hard to say.

I know that at least part of the answer lies in learning to trust more in my Heavenly Father... It's just one of those things that we have to learn on our own, and sometimes it can be a rather long, up hill journey. I'm very grateful for all of my friends in this journey though... new and old. I have received far more support than I might have otherwise thought probable.

The Decision to Be Vulnerable

In my single days, I felt like dating was easy. Making friends was what was hard. If a guy didn't like me, well who cares, I could find a different one. Good friends seemed harder to come by. If a friend didn't like me then I had just lost out on what could have been the friend of a life time. Probably a bit backwards but that's how I felt.

Recently I have started trying to work on that mindset a little bit. I have realized that I really can't worry about whether or not people like me.. no matter who they are, if they don't like me for who I am then they would have been a waste of my time anyway. I hope this mindset helps ease my anxiety when sharing things about myself that put me in a vulnerable position.  Instead of waiting, like a victim waiting to learn how they'll react, I can focus on me. Or at least, that's the theory. It can help me rationalize through the anxiety but it's no cure. And most people aren't very good at being sensitive to minimizing other people's anxiety. Not that that can really be an expectation either.

Sometimes you just have to trust that your decision to make yourself vulnerable was a good one... and be willing to accept the consequences if it ends up being the opposite. Anxiety in this context at least.. seems to me like fear of/unwillingness to accept that potential negative consequence. But when something is out of our control, it's better emotionally speaking if we don't worry about it. And if we cannot trust we made the right decision, I suppose we have to hope it instead.

Communication

Communication is something I have spent a lot of time thinking about. I wish we all communicated better, more effectively, with more depth, honesty, detail and truth.. I have a friend who often prefaces her questions with "I hope this isn't too personal but..." and I wish I could truly instill the idea that I really and truly don't mind such personal questions. I love them. Honestly, I think it makes me feel loved when people care and feel close enough with me to ask them. A sort of.. love language if you will. I had a friendship once with whom I communicated better than I have ever experienced with anyone. We both felt free to ask any question no matter personal, and no matter how nitpicky. We asked eachother to clarify intentions and meanings of words and phrases used and asked for background thoughts and feelings that were happening during conversations or certain statements... that's just how our conversations went, all the time. Sometimes it was a bit difficult admitting to certain background thoughts or feelings occurring during a conversation but it forced a frequent exercise in trust and faith and we definitely felt very close because of that. And we had a rule to always be honest and to answer every question asked. And since this type of clarifying question was so frequent and expected, you were motivated to be explicit and thorough so as not to force further probative questions ;)  I loved that way of communicating. Most people don't have the patience or courage to communicate that way I think.. But I also think that there are a lot of people out there that wish desperately to be able to communicate that way... they just don't feel safe enough to do it. I think that's why I tend to overshare sometimes. Because I'm trying to show people that I feel safe talking with them so that they will feel safe talking with me. I love when people feel safe talking with me about personal things. I guess that makes me feel loved too. And it makes me feel like if the time comes, they'll let me in should they ever need help or a listening ear, which is something I love to do for people. And I love to know people, their history, the way they think, the anxieties they feel... it's a weird way to bond but it's effective ;) Communication is key ya'll. It's da bomb ;D

Guilt vs Shame

Something my therapist talked to me about is the differcence between guilt and shame. It was an important distinction I find helpful even though I still struggle discerning between the two... Essentially, guilt serves a purpose. It can lead us toward making righteous changes. Guilt comes from God in order to help us identify the areas in which we need to change. Whereas shame doesn't help us change. When we feel shame, we hide. We feel less than we are, and that doesn't come from God. I think part of what makes it hard is that we, or at least I, often feel both emotions. Which makes sense really... we do something wrong, the light of Christ in each of us helps us realize that sense of guilt, but Satan doesn't want us to change, so he sends shame as a way to try to get us to impede ourselves from progress and growth and healing.

For me... I think that I have done a decent job of trying to address things quickly when I have had that sense of guilt. When necessary I have confessed to my Bishop. But I don't seem to be so good at letting go of the shame. I leave myself convinced that perhaps I wasn't graphic enough in my details with the Bishop. Maybe I was mistakenly absolved because perhaps with a more detailed account, the result of those meetings would have been different. And the shame eats at me for years. Until I have finally gone to a Bishop again to report an old story when they have essentially said, geez, you've beat yourself up about this for a long time, you've clearly felt remorse, you're fine, let it go already. I guess its just hard for me to tell in those instances whether I'm still feeling guilt/shame because I just suck at forgiving myself, or whether there is still more I need to do to be forgiven.

I think I sort of talked about that issue with my therapist as well. Which is when she essentially told me that while I may believe in the atonement, I struggle having the faith that it applies to me the same way it applies to others. Which I can nod and shake my head at, of course ;) I'm not really sure how to change that though... (no, I'm not looking for advice. I'm not really in a place to be open to it). It does seem like a good place to start though when looking for a cure for shame. Because the atonement promises healing regardless of the source of pain. My biggest wish.. I think, is that I can figure it out at least well enough that I don't pass on this weakness to my children.. that I can teach them how to be humble without debasing themselves, and to know how to accept forgiveness and acceptance from both others and themselves.