Prayer

I heard someone a while back complaining that they did not have time to pray because they were too busy worrying about their family, and I thought... well.. really, you could just address those worries to God in prayer and spend the same amount of time either way, and accomplish the goal of praying at the same time! And the bonus of directing it to him, is that you open up the possibility of receiving an answer, instead of just continuing to fret. 

There's something about prayer, that is far more cathartic than just thinking about things to yourself, even though, on paper, it may sound very similar to the non-praying person. It's a bit like writing is, for me at least. When I write, I give myself the medium with which to flesh out my thoughts, which helps me to think through them, and understand them better. Better than I would have been able to accomplish just by thinking about them. It can also give me that sense of having expressed myself, as though I had just confessed it all to another human being, but without all the anxiety of wondering how they'll react. Prayer is a lot like that, in that on the days I am sincerely praying, I find myself saying things, and praying for things I had not hitherto realized I even felt or needed. I find myself putting my worries into my Heavenly Father's perspective instead of just my own selfish reality. Things feel manageable, and peaceful, even if they are heartbreaking, because I know He cares, and that as I listen to the Holy Ghost, I can find guidance that I could not have come up with on my own. 

Now, of course, I think this has everything to do with how we are praying. When I think of instructions on how to pray, the first scripture that always comes into my mind is in Matthew 6:5-13. Now, this scripture first teaches us to pray in secret, rather than for the purpose of being glorified and seen by man. Then, it teaches us not to use vain repetitions. Now, it's important, I think to remember that vain can mean two things. It can imply conceit, or it can imply uselessness--something that will produce no result. This teaches us to be humble in our prayers, and it also teaches us that our prayers should be unique each day. I think it also teaches us to be sincere in our prayers, because without that sincerity, they will be "vain," producing no result. 

Now, the part that I have always struggled a little bit with regarding Matthew is the next part, which explains how to pray. Because it feels like a formula for a prayer to be used in repetition. And weren't we just told repetition is no bueno? Of course, there is something to be said for the fact that there can be facets of my prayers that are repeated from day to day, but so long as I am praying them with renewed sincere intent each day, I think that takes away the "vain" aspect that is counseled against. Anyway, what helped me with this section of Matthew, was thinking of it more of a list of categories, rather than a rote prayer.

9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 
This teaches me who our prayers are directed to, and the respect that should be shown.

10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
This teaches me to put things in an eternal perspective, to ask myself the question... Is my will aligned with God's will?

11 Give us this day our daily bread.
This shows me that we can ask God for help with our temporal needs. Whether it is our physical needs, our emotional needs... whatever struggles this Earth life is facing us with, we can ask for help with those things.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
This reminds me to consider what debts I may owe to God. It reminds me to be grateful for my many blessings, and to express that gratitude to Him. It reminds me to ask for forgiveness, and reminds me to relay the same amount of grace, patience, and forgiveness to others, as I hope God will allot to me.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
This shows me to ask for help with our spiritual needs. It reminds me that I can ask him for help with my testimony, my faith, my charity, my doubts. I can ask for strength, to be buoyed up against temptation. 

And lastly, I think it is interesting, and important to consider the meaning of the word "Amen." I remember as a teenager, and as a young adult, feeling some level of frustration when engaging in group prayers where someone else was leading the prayer. Every once in a while it has happened where someone has prayed for something that I did not agree with, and felt like I was being manipulated into something by having to participate in the combined "Amen" at the end of the prayer. I don't know when it happened, but I was finally taught that you don't actually HAVE to say "Amen" and the end of a prayer in those circumstances. Prayer is one thing that we should never feel manipulated by. The meaning of "Amen" is generally considered to be either "This is so" or "So be it." It is an affirmation of agreement. It is an officiating word to validate what has been said. And therefore, if you don't agree, it's dishonest to say Amen! I really appreciated that perspective and it brought me a lot of peace.

Which teaches an interesting principle for our personal prayers. What does it mean for our personal prayers? Why are we instructed to end our prayers with "Amen" ? I think of it a bit like signing a document. At the end we are saying "I certify that everything I have said was true and accurate to the best of my knowledge." This teaches me to be honest with God and to be honest with myself. Thinking back to the idea of "Amen" implying a "So be it" attitude... I think it's also a reminder that prayer gives us the chance to hand things over to God. A final recognition that things are ultimately in His hands, and not my own. It also reminds me to be righteous in my requests, because I cannot ask that God "make it so" if the request itself is unrighteous. 

There is a story in Alma, chapters 31-34 in the Book of Mormon that I think also provides a lot of depth into the principles of how we can and should worship, and how to pray. It's about the Zoramite people and Alma's experience with the distortions of worship and prayer he experienced among them, and of course, teaching them the correct principles. I highly recommend the read. But one thing I will point out that is said in Alma 34:27

27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

This is one of those things that can seem daunting... How can I pray continually? Well, someone recently gave me a suggestion for this that I thought was EXCELLENT, and I wanted to pass along. At least in my little Mormon community, we are taught to pray in the morning, and in the evening. Well, the suggestion was, that in the morning, say your prayer as you normally would, and end it with the customary "Amen" in order to follow the pattern we have been given. But THEN, begin a second prayer. And this second prayer, does not get followed up with an Amen. That way you have a reminder for the day that you have a prayer you have already started to Heavenly Father, one that is unfinished. And you add to that prayer throughout the day whenever things come up. I thought it was a wonderful way to teach the concept of praying continually. Our prayers may customarily end with "Amen" but we can have a prayer in our heart that is ongoing, always, and is never declared "finished" because... our lives are unfinished, and our need to connect with Heavenly Father is never finished. It is a way to keep Christ and Heavenly Father on the forefront of our minds during the day... a reminder that they care for us, a way to involve them in our lives, a reminder that we can ask for help always, and not just in the morning, and at night. It is a way to make them, and the Holy Ghost, our constant companions. And a way to help us see that prayers are for acting upon, and not just something to be said in vain, at the end of the day, when the day is already over.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.

#MormonAndGay Q&A

I have debated the decision to share this a hundred times over. I have told myself that it is not something I want to be defined by or judged by.. I have told myself that it is a part of who I am.. I have told myself that perhaps my words could change some narrative for the better.. I have told myself a lot of things. But the idea has persisted and I feel peace in sharing, which I assume means I have a role to play.

I came across the following quote the other day, and I think I took from it the opposite of what it intended.

"Secrets have power, and that power diminishes when they are shared, so they are best kept secret and kept well. Sharing secrets, real secrets, with even one other person, will change them." - Erin Morgenstern

But what if what I want is for that power to be diminished?

I have known for a long time that I am attracted to women. It is something that during most of my life I have kept on a back burner, but I recognize that it was there. And over the years I have had to come to terms with it more and more. And I hope this will help with that.

• Do I think that I was born that way? I don't know.
• Do I think it is possible to be born that way? It's possible.
• Do I think that God made me that way? No. We seem to get confused I think regarding "creation" and assume that God created our personalities, and tendencies and I don't think that's correct. We existed before we came to this earth, just without bodies. We had already made choices, had our own thoughts, our own opinions, agency. Each of us is unique. While He may be capable of giving man strengths and weaknesses, He did not, could not have micromanaged every aspect of who we are. I think most of it is purely inherent to who we are naturally. Who we've always been from the beginning of time. (Although yes I think we are capable of change, obviously)
• Do I think we are affected by our culture and our experiences? Yes.
• Do I think that God knew that based on who I am, and my experiences, that I might struggle in this area? Yes.
• Did he believe I was capable of handling it? Yes.
• Do I think God wanted me to act on those feelings? No.
• Would he love me either way? Yes.
• Do I believe God is saddened by those who act in contrast to His plan? Yes.
• Do I think acting on those feelings would affect my worthiness to live with God? Yes.
• Do I think having those feelings affects my worthiness to live with God? No.
• Is it hard belonging to a church that does not approve of same-sex relationships? No. I don't believe it's a matter of the church not approving. It's a matter of what I believe God approves of.
• Is it hard listening to people in general say bigoted things? Yes.
• Do I think that the traumas I experienced as a child and teenager have influenced my experience in this arena? Yes.
• Do I think experiencing same-sex attraction first necessitates having had a trauma? No.
• Do I think that God still loves me regardless of those feelings? Yes.
• Do I think that we should act on any and all tendencies we may be faced with in life? No.
• Does that put some unbearable burden on my life that limits my ability for happiness? No.
• Has it been difficult not to act on those feelings? Yes.
• Have I experienced attraction to men? Complicated, but I think so.
• Do I normally experience attraction to men? No.
• Would I consider myself bi or gay? Gay. 
• Do I love my husband? Yes.
• Am I happy with my husband? Yes.
• Did my husband know when I married him? Yes.
• Do I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman? Yes.
• Do I think other people should be free to make choices contrary to my beliefs? Yes.
• Did I think getting married to a man would be a "cure" for my feelings toward women? No. However, because I have made the decision to be loyal to my husband, I think it helps the same way the decision of marital commitment affects anyone. Once you are married, you [should] no longer be looking at others with the same attitude as you did when you were single because your decision has already been made. You're no longer "out shopping" so to speak.
• Do I feel self-hatred because of those feelings? No. While it may make me feel self conscience.. I am fully aware that it is our choices that define us more than our temptations.
• Do I think people should seek "cures" for such feelings? No. I would hope people are able to find the support they need to make choices aligned with their personal values. Because nobody is happy making choices that do not match with their values. And when making choices in line with our values is difficult, we need support.
• Do I worry that the knowledge of this facet of who I am is capable of making my female friends uncomfortable? Yes. Very much yes. I worry about this a lot.
• Do I worry that my family will cease to love me with this knowledge? No.
• Will they struggle with it? Perhaps.
• Do I fear people will no longer want to associate with me given this knowledge? Yes and no. In the long run I feel peace in knowing that if people cannot love me despite knowing this about me, then the relationship wasn't worth it.
• Do I regret not living an alternative lifestyle to the one I have now? No.
• Do I think I would have been happier living that lifestyle? No. Because there is an emptiness to living contrary to God's wishes even if we often do not recognize it. I would rather the companionship of the Holy Ghost.
• Do I think people should be hated, disrespected or discriminated against merely because they are making choices contrary to the ones I would make for myself? No.
• Do I think my experiences affect my perspective? Yes.
• Do I think this experience is capable of teaching me things, and providing me with the necessary empathy to be a blessing in the lives of others? Yes.
• Do I think I can equate my experience with all who experience same-sex attraction? No. We are all unique and experience things differently and to varying degrees.
• Do I think our choices can magnify or reduce any given tendency? With time, yes.
• Do I think any of us should try to judge the struggles of another? No. Worry about yourself.
• Do I think that should stop people from fighting for their personal values? No.
• Do I believe this one attribute defines me? No. There is a lot more to me than one attribute. And I would hope others would see that too.

And that is a small part of my story. If it's awkward you can tell me. If it's not awkward you can tell me that too. Or you can pretend you don't know. That's up to you. I won't respond to hate or disrespect or annoyance in general.. But I will answer any question asked with love, even if it is awkward. That's my rule.

Varying Defenses

This is a little more sensitive than I usually go, but it felt worth mentioning. From time to time I have a certain genre of nightmares that hit too close for home. I really can't complain because they used to plague me. So, the occasional is better than the consistent. To make a long story short... in some ways I suppose I have even been grateful for these dreams.. because they are one of the reasons why I have a testimony of prayer. Because, you see, they didn't cease being a plague in my life until I prayed for them to stop. And, like I said, it's a longer story than that, but if you ever want to know you'll ask ;) I went years without having them after that prayer though.. and it was a sabbatical I greatly needed in my life at that time. It was such a breath of relief.

However, sometimes I find that prayer is not the immediate answer. In regard to these dreams... I often find it very difficult to pray because I cannot close my eyes afterwards without being bombarded with the very visuals I am wishing would leave me be. That effect can sometimes haunt me for days afterwards. In these instances, I find that my saving grace is being able to read the scriptures. They help me feel the spirit, help me clear my mind of my troubles, help me re-center my thoughts on the Savior, and bring me peace. Even after that, I often pray with my eyes open so as not to re-invite unwanted visuals from my nightmares, but I feel able to pray again, having been renewed in my defenses against the adversary. That is one of the many blessings we can receive from doing the things we've been asked by God to do, like reading the scriptures, praying, serving others... Renewed strength against the adversary.

And that is the moral of the story.. Heavenly Father knows us, and he knows that sometimes we need to find Him, find that strength and defense from the firey darts of the adversary, through different avenues in life depending on our present needs at any given time.  So just like each of us have different learning styles (auditory, visual, tactile, etc).. he provides us with different ways we can reach out to Him, learn from Him, and gain access to the Holy Ghost. And I certainly won't try to name all the possible avenues, because I'm sure that varies nearly as much as each of us varies... But it seems to me, an evidence of how well our Heavenly Father knows us, loves us, and wants to help us. Sometimes we just have to try different things to figure out what will work in whatever unique circumstance we're in, in order to find the technique that will bring us His much needed peace and protection that day.

Acknowledging the Elephant

Excuse me while I sound a bit like I'm speaking from my soapbox for a moment.. I spoke a while back about the idea that our trials, experiences or temptations, character flaws or mistakes.. don't have to define us. It can be tempting sometimes to feel overwhelmingly defined by certain things we struggle with..

What I decided tonight is that while we certainly should not feel any obligation to be defined by any one aspect of ourselves.. especially when it overwhelms us... it is okay to accept things into our concept of who we are. Sometimes trying to pretend like things don't exist makes them that much more overwhelming.. I think it has the ability to make it seem more important than it really is.. Feeling like we have a hidden factor of our identity that none or few people know... can feel like the elephant in the room, even if you're fully aware that you're the only one in the room that senses the elephant. Or you hope you're the only one ;)

So, while I still don't think I'd recommend letting any one thing overwhelmingly control your concept of self, or your concept of anyone's identity really... I do think it's good/okay to incorporate new things. 

I've discussed the concept of labeling theory with quite a few people over the years. Receiving a label can be scary because you don't want to be defined by that label, or by the stereotypes of that label. But at the same time I think receiving a label can be very helpful because it can open the door to resources otherwise unavailable, and it can help answer a lot of questions. And having an explanation for why you are the way you are can be very soothing and relieve concerns regarding shame.

But the way it feels like it applies here, to me anyway, is that perhaps defining yourself or others by a solitary thing is where the negative aspects of labeling theory come in (self fulfilling prophecies, stereotypes, etc).. whereas, if we are able to incorporate new (or old) trials, experiences, temptations etc into our concept of self... rather than let these new additions replace our old self-concepts.. if we acknowledge them instead of ignoring them.. then we better enable ourselves to deal with them, combat them, build upon them, we enable ourselves to progress rather than remain stagnant. And I'm not necessarily saying you have to or should acknowledge these things to people in the world.. that's something only you could decide..

I'm merely saying that I believe there is a lot of power in giving yourself access to that knowledge (admitting it to yourself) without allowing it to define you. 

Chocolate Promptings

Today I had one of those small, seemingly insignificant things happen that ended up being rather comforting. I went to a meeting today, and before I left I grabbed a piece of chocolate from the bag my husband had bought me for Mother's Day because he knew my stash needed replenishing. Very sweet since he's doing a no sugar diet himself right now. I will always admire his ability for self control.

Anyway, I wasn't even really in the mood for the piece of chocolate so I wasn't entirely sure why I was grabbing it but I did anyway. Driving to my meeting I thought about eating it, but still, only because it was there and not really because I wanted it, so I figured I'd save it for my drive home. After the meeting, (which was good for me by the way, for multiple reasons, I laughed, I felt inspired, I felt lifted, but otherwise it's a totally different story from the one I'm currently telling!).. anyway, after the meeting I stopped at Walmart to get one last cardboard box for the cardboard castle I'm making for my son's birthday party this weekend. Walking through any grocery store is always hard for me. I know you wouldn't think it to look at me but desserts are such a temptation for me. I see all the yummies and I want the yummies!

But, I told myself that I still had that piece of chocolate waiting for me in the car to satisfy the craving, and therefore had no need to buy anything else while at the store. Now.. I know this seems small and random, but I've been praying to be helped in not spending money I don't need to spend, including money on tempting yummies.. and so the fact that I had been prompted to bring that piece of chocolate with me when I didn't even want it at the time... when it allowed me to say No to the food in the store.. was very comforting. And I'm sure it makes my dear hubby proud ;)

It's just one of those things where you know... that if Heavenly Father can care about the smaller problems in your life, and help prepare you for them.. then he certainly cares enough about you to help prepare you for the larger problems in life too. He's not necessarily going to fix them right away or take the issue away, or magically put candy in your hands.. but he can guide us as to what we need to bring along on our journeys to be most fit for the challenges coming our way, even if that just requires a little piece of chocolate :) it's just up to us to listen even when the instructions don't always make sense in the moment.

Providence in Healing

My second week going to the Addiction Recovery Program meetings, someone shared their story with the disclaimer statement of "I don't usually go into this much detail, but I'm feeling prompted to tonight for whatever reason." I was at least one of those reasons. His story was exactly what I needed to hear that day. It helped me feel like there was indeed a reason for me to be going to these meetings. And it put into words things I hadn't quite figured out yet. It didn't matter that his story was different than mine, we had things in common that were helpful for me.

Yesterday I think I had the opportunity to do that for someone else. It was interesting because while the step was good yesterday, nothing really stood out for me especially--at least in part because I'm not really there yet. So when it came to sharing time I was pretty sure I was going to pass. And when it came to start sharing time two different people raised their hands to start the sharing. Had a different person been called on, I probably wouldn't have shared what I did. So there's your "coincidence" / inspiration of the missionaries that lead the group that set the scene (providence). I was still feeling pretty certain I was going to pass until the same person shared that had been the one to go into more detail during my second time attending the group. I have no idea what triggered it... it really didn't have anything to do with what he said... I just began to think about how honest and meek the men are that attend the group. I was thinking about how I still have a lot to learn from them when it comes to being able to admit my struggles. And that's when my thoughts began to form regarding what I was to share. I almost changed my mind when someone further down the line shared something. Certain worries came to mind...And I admit, there are a few people in the group that know me and I worry about their perspectives of me changing with fuller knowledge of my struggles. But I'm not the only one in the group that knows other people there. Other people have commented on it being harder to share knowing people there, and they did it anyway because it's supposed to be a safe space, because healing is more important than fear of judgement. And because part of healing is accepting that you can't control what others think of you. And I had to remind myself that the knowledge I have of their struggles doesn't affect how I think of them, and so I had to trust in them just like they trust in me when they share. That's hard. But it's also something I need to practice, and I know it.

Anyway, I essentially commented on my admiration for the willingness of the others in the group to be so open and forthright before sharing my struggle in a little more detail than I ever had previously. My hands were shaking and my anxiety was still high regarding what the consequence might be of certain people learning this about me, but yknow, by then, it had already been said, so what could I do now? And I still doubted whether or not it was even a good idea.. but there was still a whisper in my mind that there was a reason it had entered my mind. It was not an accident.

Finally, someone after me shared... and their story was nearly identical to my own. It was their first time sharing. And a peace entered my heart because I felt an assurance that I had set the scene for them to feel safer sharing their own story. That's not to say that I was without any sense of anxiety regarding previously stated concerns... but the peace made it worth it. And one of the most important parts of healing I think, is being able to help others again. And that someone thanked me for sharing after the meeting was over. And another sweet soul gave me a hug after the meeting. The meetings really are special because I think we really do love and care for one another and each other's progress even if we don't really know each other.

I began to wish that the person I feel anxiety over would be inspired to come up to me after the meeting and express some assurance. But that didn't happen, I even had the thought that I could approach them, but they were gone in a flash. But someone else came up to me and did that very thing. And it's not someone I really felt that much anxiety over, but it was still sweet of course. And it felt like another moment of providence... maybe it wasn't the someone I was hoping for, but assurance was given, and it made me feel God's love for me.

There is peace in providence despite whatever consequences that may or may not come.

Forging Identity, Eternal Family

I took part in a conversation recently where someone was describing someone's fears for being judged for his past. Someone else retorted something along the lines of "then just don't talk about your past." I generally keep my mouth shut in these kinds of moments, not necessarily because I don't want to make it a point of confrontation, because if it's important enough to me, I will anyway.. but more so because I can't easily reply without revealing more about myself than the situation makes comfortable.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I would feel if I were in the position of investigating the LDS church. Could I be converted to the point of being willing and eager to change my habits and my lifestyle? Would I be brave enough to change? Would I be humble enough to let go of so many ideas I had grown up with? Would I be meek enough to deal with any judgement I may receive from imperfect members regarding my imperfect life? The thought has really put the character of converts in perspective for me. I have come to really honor and respect that willingness to accept truths that have the power to create so much change in your life. To be willing to act on it regardless of the personal sacrifice and humility required.. that is awe inspiring.

I understand the fear of putting yourself in a room full of people, or a church full of people who may not agree with your life choices. I understand the fear of judgement for your past, and even your present. We each have faults and regardless of how many times we say that we're aware everyone has them, it does not take away our fear that someone will judge us for our unique situation. Sometimes I feel so encased and surrounded by my own struggles that it feels hard to consider that suggestion to just "not talk about it" because it's a big part of what I'm experiencing, what I have experienced... and how do you get to know someone without learning those things? And I'm totally willing to admit that that speaks to a personal character weakness of mine. But the point is, sometimes feeling like you can't talk about something makes you feel like you're about to explode. If things are fully resolved, I think it's easier to just "not talk about it."

When I first mentioned that I was attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I think I mentioned that a big part of why I was going was to figure out a new perspective on my identity. The issue being that I realized that I have incorporated too much of my problems into my personally defined "identity" which causes a lot of problems. The ARP program is pretty centered on the atonement and focusing on God's intended identity for you. My point being, that that feeling of "needing to talk about it" comes from feeling like it's part of my identity and you can't know me without knowing about it. When really, it's not a prerequisite for "knowing" me... my identity is not only one thing. I am made up of lots of moments and thoughts and feelings. One moment is not necessarily greater than the combined whole of a thousand other things. I am not my flaws. I am not my struggles. I am who I choose to be because of or despite of those things. Good to remind myself of that ;)

I think the greatest change that can come to a convert's identity by accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ... is gaining the knowledge that they are a child of God. I think sometimes members forget that a little bit and focus more on all the negative things they are.. but forever and always, one of the biggest parts of our identity will be royal children of a Heavenly Father. No matter what our faults are, they should never be cause for someone who understands that you are a child of a Heavenly Father, to ever stop loving you or caring for you. Because we're family. And you are royalty. 

So regardless of your past, and regardless of your present, there will always be cause for acceptance and love, in the LDS Church.

It took me a long time to figure out family. I remember being really frustrated with a friend of mine back in high school for putting her family first. I didn't get that. I'd hang out with a friend over family any day. I won't describe right now, the moments that it hit me.. but one day I realized that it didn't matter what relationship or lack thereof I had with my family.. I loved them with all my heart. And I wanted to be sealed to them for eternity because that was a sacred bond worth upholding. It didn't matter if I was close to them or if I liked them at any given moment, or if we'd ever even met. They were family. It's one of the few things I think really puts the LDS church apart from other Christian churches.. the concept that you can be sealed to your family, and to your spouse, to your children--for eternity. A promise from God that you will be with them no matter what happens on this earth. I think.. had I grown up without the church.. that principle is what would have led me to be baptized had I been put in a position to investigate the church. At least I hope so. Because it allowed me to have hope for relationships with family members who aren't even alive anymore with whom I did not have pleasant relationships with.

Someone said something recently that really stuck out to me.
"You can talk to God about anything because he won't judge you. It's not his time to judge yet."

That really synced for me with the idea that life isn't about the sum total of your good and bad deeds or experiences.. it's who you become because of them. God doesn't judge us now, because we're still working on the becoming. I found it really comforting. And regardless of those individual moments that make up our unique lives.. we have all been endowed with the power of creation. And part of that power is the ability to create ourselves. To create our identity, who we become. I hope I can be more like those converts. Humble, and so loving and dedicated to the Lord's plan that I have that willing heart to become who He needs me to become, rather than who I would be tempted to be without him.

Leaping with Faith

It's been a few week's since I've managed it, but I went to an Addiction Recovery Meeting last night. I hit a week where I was feeling more so like staying home, and I didn't feel like I needed to go that day. I don't know why I listened. I've had that feeling a dozen times, and every time I went, the step for that week spoke to me, or something someone had to say hit home for me. Last night I was feeling like I really needed to go. And when I found out what step we were on, I admit I kind of got bummed because it's a step I haven't felt particularly inspired by or ready for in the past. But it spoke to some self-realizations I've had this week among other things.

I'll share with you some of what stood out to me. 
"As time passed, though, we noticed that abstinence seemed to make our character weaknesses more visible, especially to ourselves. We tried to control our negative thoughts and feelings, but they continued to reappear, haunting us and threatening our new lives...."

"You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stress in life--maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions."
I wish I could remember exactly how I said it last night in the meeting, because it came out rather well. But, I've been feeling frustrated with myself lately. I've been able to go through years where my "addiction" wasn't a focus. It wasn't on my mind, and in a sense I was able to forget about it. It didn't feel like a big part of who I am. Lately though, with going to therapy, and going to the ARP meetings, and just generally focusing on making changes in my life it feels like it's on my mind more than it has been in the past. And when it comes to mind, I'm less able to forgive myself and move on. Feelings of shame sit in my head and run amok for ages longer than is necessary. 

A while ago I was talking to someone and things just got blurted out. It was blunt and awkward and not said with any sensitivity toward even my own feelings on the matter which completely misrepresented even my own attitude towards the subject. And circumstances did not allow me to fix it. I hate that it was even on my mind, that I felt any obligation to share when I wasn't feeling comfortable enough to do it correctly. It makes me feel awkward and frustrated with myself for making someone else feel awkward, and it makes it even harder to talk about to in order to just let it go. And I hate that it happened with a subject personal and sensitive for me. Now it feels like an awkward subject that myself and that other person will both be awkwardly avoiding to avoid further awkwardness, which is awkward and makes me feel awkward around that person. And the fact that it was awkward tells me that any further discussion would be even more awkward which makes me sad. It adds to the worry that it may be a one-way interest.. that I have made it so this person would rather avoid time with me rather than spend more time. And that makes me sad too. And why would they when I'm just being awkward and not knowing what to say..

Anyway, I know that's all rather convoluted, and I hate sounding insecure.. but back to the first quote... I think it makes sense to say that things are haunting me, sitting on my mind when I'd rather they not. Makes it feel difficult to talk to people because I have no idea what to say, when I don't feel comfortable talking about what's on my mind, and I feel like they wouldn't want to hear it anyway. I hate that sense of feeling like a burden.

I have had lots of thoughts lately that life would be a lot easier for me if I stopped trying to communicate... if I stopped trying to make friends... then I wouldn't feel anxiety about making relationships, and saying something stupid or awkward or not having anything to say. But I also know that isolation breeds more problems than it fixes. And I'm pretty sure it would take me further back into the sense of apathy that I've been trying to climb out of with all these changes. 

I had the realization the other day, that essentially I'm making some of the same mistakes that I made back in middle school when I first figured out some things about my life. I'm in a place of transition again, and I'm reverting to some of the same old coping methods that I used the last time I was in a similar position in life. It was a realization that made me feel like I could take a little more control over things with that knowledge. 

On a slightly different note... I was reading my scriptures the other day and came to the story of Laman, Lemuel, Nephi and Sam trying to get the brass plates from Laban. It made me think about all of the prophets, and how we tend to think of them as being perfect guys who never doubted, and are wonderful at following the Lord's plan for them. But really... a lot of them did have doubts or fears. They merely told the Lord about those doubts or fears and then accepted the Lord's soothing assurances. They leaped with faith despite those doubts and fears. That doesn't mean that they had faith there would be no negative consequences just because they were on the Lord's errand... They just had faith that it was the right thing to do. 

That's sort of the attitude I've tried to have lately when it comes to doing things that make me uncomfortable, like making friends. Every time I have the thought to send a text, email, make a phone call or an invitation that I'm nervous to make, I think... it's okay to be afraid... and it's okay if there are negative consequences... so long as I am doing my best to be true to myself and make the effort to stay outside of myself, which is something I feel like the Lord wants for me. A small, personal leap of faith. And the perspective that some of what I've been going through may be in part because of letting go of unwanted tendencies makes it almost a positive. It's a symptom of something positive in my life, even if it's not fun to deal with. It also gives hope that maybe it won't be forever. 

Love is Independent from Perfection

I mentioned to someone a while back that I had.. some strained relationships with my family growing up. And they asked, specifically regarding my mother, whether I felt the relationship had healed or not. I said yes, but that I think age was a big help for that. I really just have problems with authority figures and when I became an adult she made it clear that I was in charge of myself which I really appreciated and it took my issue with authority figures out of the equation. Made me feel more like we were.. peers finally, or something. Even when I've known that she didn't necessarily agree with something I was doing or thinking, we could agree to disagree and still walk away respecting eachother and loving eachother. And that's important to me. 

I suppose it's an interesting question to me. For the most part I guess I don't really even feel like it needed healing. I mean, yes, I should have been a more respectful and obedient child, and I still have way too much pride.. and it would have been nice if we had all gotten along all the time and such.. but I guess that's just not how I think about it when I look back on the history of things. When I look back on my life with my family as a kid... sure, I can acknowledge it could have been better. Pretty sure most people think that about life in general. But I've always been willing to accept that it was what it was even as a kid. I didn't have any expectations of it being different. It was my normal, it was just.. what it was. 

And while maybe my relationship with my mother or my father or my siblings wasn't the same as what other people experience... I always knew they loved me. And I always knew I loved them even when I was mad at them. I knew I loved my older siblings even though I felt like I had no explicable reason to do so since it's something like a 15-20 year age gap (depending on the sibling) and I barely knew them as a kid. I could count the number of times I remembered meeting them. But I loved them because they were family. And I couldn't explain it to myself even, but it was true. I knew my mother loved me, no matter how often we argued, no matter what was going on.. I knew she loved me. 

Now, granted, lets be honest, I was a stubborn little bugger, especially as a teenager, and certainly my mother and I had plenty of arguments. And I look back on that now and think my mother is a saint for putting up with me as well as she did! But that's one of those healing things that comes with the perspective that a daughter gets with age and motherhood ;)

Anyway, my primary point in all this.. I had a friend once that was feeling guilty about a particular bonding activity she couldn't give her child due to some health concerns of hers. And I told her, to screw social stigma on the matter. That child was designed for her and her family, and it was designed to survive and grow from whatever failings she may have, so not to worry about it. Her kid would not be ruined from this one failing. I think that may be the best and most memorable advice (for me, anyway) that I've ever given. 

My family, my mother... they're human. They had their own failings and struggles and heartbreaks. And I knew it as a kid too. I'm told I was very empathic for a child. And through it all, life goes on, and you have to endure. Who can blame people for not being able to keep up with all expectations when they're going through a hard time? And while maybe things weren't picture perfect, I always had what I needed, and that's the knowledge that my family loved me. Come to think of it.. I think that may be something I would count among my spiritual talents.. the knowledge that my family loves me, regardless of whatever evidence is/was on the table, or lack thereof. I was designed, prepared by God, to be able to survive and grow from the environment I was placed in.. and I would never want a different family, no matter how many trials you might tell me would have been removed from such a change. 

I suppose the thought was on my mind because I have worried most of my life that I wouldn't be a good enough mother.. that my own weaknesses and failings would limit my relationship with my children or would make them susceptible to similar trials and pitfalls that I faced. But I don't even think about my own mother that way. It didn't matter that she wasn't perfect. I knew she loved me and that's all that mattered. And I guess it gives me some hope that my children might feel the same about me despite my personal failings. 

Being perfect does not equate with love.. doing everything right doesn't equate with love.. Love is independent of all that and we don't have to feel like we're failing at loving our children because we're not perfect.. Just like God's love for us is independent from our ability to be perfect. 

Reluctant Vulnerability

Swimming in memories I can't seem to forget
And telling the words only brings me regret
When talking it out is the only peace I can find
But the burden it causes puts me in a bind

My thoughts are all muddled, I can't seem to repose
Instead I feel shame for the weight I impose.
My heart aches for peace and sometimes I have it
But then time passes and I fear I've wreaked havoc
In my life or others, I'm not sure which one's worse
But the anxiety it causes feels like a curse

My purpose in life is to love others, I know
To testify of the gospel, help others to grow
So why do I feel like the one always in need
When I know there are others with more reason to plead

Why can't I let go of the shame I have raised
So confident others will be just as fazed
By my faults, my temptations, my most awkward days
Even though I have proof that there are friends who stay

Who hold no resentment for every weak moment
Because they believe they see me as chosen
For some task God has outlined to which I am suited
Which I believe too but the future seems muted
By all that's around me, the fear I must face
And all that's behind me that I can't erase.

But I'm grateful for hope now when before I had none
For light in the tunnel when before I was done
I forgot how to be vulnerable which cost me my joy
So now I am searching for my walls to destroy
To get close to others and let them all in
So God can be with me instead of my sins.