Varying Defenses

This is a little more sensitive than I usually go, but it felt worth mentioning. From time to time I have a certain genre of nightmares that hit too close for home. I really can't complain because they used to plague me. So, the occasional is better than the consistent. To make a long story short... in some ways I suppose I have even been grateful for these dreams.. because they are one of the reasons why I have a testimony of prayer. Because, you see, they didn't cease being a plague in my life until I prayed for them to stop. And, like I said, it's a longer story than that, but if you ever want to know you'll ask ;) I went years without having them after that prayer though.. and it was a sabbatical I greatly needed in my life at that time. It was such a breath of relief.

However, sometimes I find that prayer is not the immediate answer. In regard to these dreams... I often find it very difficult to pray because I cannot close my eyes afterwards without being bombarded with the very visuals I am wishing would leave me be. That effect can sometimes haunt me for days afterwards. In these instances, I find that my saving grace is being able to read the scriptures. They help me feel the spirit, help me clear my mind of my troubles, help me re-center my thoughts on the Savior, and bring me peace. Even after that, I often pray with my eyes open so as not to re-invite unwanted visuals from my nightmares, but I feel able to pray again, having been renewed in my defenses against the adversary. That is one of the many blessings we can receive from doing the things we've been asked by God to do, like reading the scriptures, praying, serving others... Renewed strength against the adversary.

And that is the moral of the story.. Heavenly Father knows us, and he knows that sometimes we need to find Him, find that strength and defense from the firey darts of the adversary, through different avenues in life depending on our present needs at any given time.  So just like each of us have different learning styles (auditory, visual, tactile, etc).. he provides us with different ways we can reach out to Him, learn from Him, and gain access to the Holy Ghost. And I certainly won't try to name all the possible avenues, because I'm sure that varies nearly as much as each of us varies... But it seems to me, an evidence of how well our Heavenly Father knows us, loves us, and wants to help us. Sometimes we just have to try different things to figure out what will work in whatever unique circumstance we're in, in order to find the technique that will bring us His much needed peace and protection that day.

Acknowledging the Elephant

Excuse me while I sound a bit like I'm speaking from my soapbox for a moment.. I spoke a while back about the idea that our trials, experiences or temptations, character flaws or mistakes.. don't have to define us. It can be tempting sometimes to feel overwhelmingly defined by certain things we struggle with..

What I decided tonight is that while we certainly should not feel any obligation to be defined by any one aspect of ourselves.. especially when it overwhelms us... it is okay to accept things into our concept of who we are. Sometimes trying to pretend like things don't exist makes them that much more overwhelming.. I think it has the ability to make it seem more important than it really is.. Feeling like we have a hidden factor of our identity that none or few people know... can feel like the elephant in the room, even if you're fully aware that you're the only one in the room that senses the elephant. Or you hope you're the only one ;)

So, while I still don't think I'd recommend letting any one thing overwhelmingly control your concept of self, or your concept of anyone's identity really... I do think it's good/okay to incorporate new things. 

I've discussed the concept of labeling theory with quite a few people over the years. Receiving a label can be scary because you don't want to be defined by that label, or by the stereotypes of that label. But at the same time I think receiving a label can be very helpful because it can open the door to resources otherwise unavailable, and it can help answer a lot of questions. And having an explanation for why you are the way you are can be very soothing and relieve concerns regarding shame.

But the way it feels like it applies here, to me anyway, is that perhaps defining yourself or others by a solitary thing is where the negative aspects of labeling theory come in (self fulfilling prophecies, stereotypes, etc).. whereas, if we are able to incorporate new (or old) trials, experiences, temptations etc into our concept of self... rather than let these new additions replace our old self-concepts.. if we acknowledge them instead of ignoring them.. then we better enable ourselves to deal with them, combat them, build upon them, we enable ourselves to progress rather than remain stagnant. And I'm not necessarily saying you have to or should acknowledge these things to people in the world.. that's something only you could decide..

I'm merely saying that I believe there is a lot of power in giving yourself access to that knowledge (admitting it to yourself) without allowing it to define you. 

Chocolate Promptings

Today I had one of those small, seemingly insignificant things happen that ended up being rather comforting. I went to a meeting today, and before I left I grabbed a piece of chocolate from the bag my husband had bought me for Mother's Day because he knew my stash needed replenishing. Very sweet since he's doing a no sugar diet himself right now. I will always admire his ability for self control.

Anyway, I wasn't even really in the mood for the piece of chocolate so I wasn't entirely sure why I was grabbing it but I did anyway. Driving to my meeting I thought about eating it, but still, only because it was there and not really because I wanted it, so I figured I'd save it for my drive home. After the meeting, (which was good for me by the way, for multiple reasons, I laughed, I felt inspired, I felt lifted, but otherwise it's a totally different story from the one I'm currently telling!).. anyway, after the meeting I stopped at Walmart to get one last cardboard box for the cardboard castle I'm making for my son's birthday party this weekend. Walking through any grocery store is always hard for me. I know you wouldn't think it to look at me but desserts are such a temptation for me. I see all the yummies and I want the yummies!

But, I told myself that I still had that piece of chocolate waiting for me in the car to satisfy the craving, and therefore had no need to buy anything else while at the store. Now.. I know this seems small and random, but I've been praying to be helped in not spending money I don't need to spend, including money on tempting yummies.. and so the fact that I had been prompted to bring that piece of chocolate with me when I didn't even want it at the time... when it allowed me to say No to the food in the store.. was very comforting. And I'm sure it makes my dear hubby proud ;)

It's just one of those things where you know... that if Heavenly Father can care about the smaller problems in your life, and help prepare you for them.. then he certainly cares enough about you to help prepare you for the larger problems in life too. He's not necessarily going to fix them right away or take the issue away, or magically put candy in your hands.. but he can guide us as to what we need to bring along on our journeys to be most fit for the challenges coming our way, even if that just requires a little piece of chocolate :) it's just up to us to listen even when the instructions don't always make sense in the moment.

Providence in Healing

My second week going to the Addiction Recovery Program meetings, someone shared their story with the disclaimer statement of "I don't usually go into this much detail, but I'm feeling prompted to tonight for whatever reason." I was at least one of those reasons. His story was exactly what I needed to hear that day. It helped me feel like there was indeed a reason for me to be going to these meetings. And it put into words things I hadn't quite figured out yet. It didn't matter that his story was different than mine, we had things in common that were helpful for me.

Yesterday I think I had the opportunity to do that for someone else. It was interesting because while the step was good yesterday, nothing really stood out for me especially--at least in part because I'm not really there yet. So when it came to sharing time I was pretty sure I was going to pass. And when it came to start sharing time two different people raised their hands to start the sharing. Had a different person been called on, I probably wouldn't have shared what I did. So there's your "coincidence" / inspiration of the missionaries that lead the group that set the scene (providence). I was still feeling pretty certain I was going to pass until the same person shared that had been the one to go into more detail during my second time attending the group. I have no idea what triggered it... it really didn't have anything to do with what he said... I just began to think about how honest and meek the men are that attend the group. I was thinking about how I still have a lot to learn from them when it comes to being able to admit my struggles. And that's when my thoughts began to form regarding what I was to share. I almost changed my mind when someone further down the line shared something. Certain worries came to mind...And I admit, there are a few people in the group that know me and I worry about their perspectives of me changing with fuller knowledge of my struggles. But I'm not the only one in the group that knows other people there. Other people have commented on it being harder to share knowing people there, and they did it anyway because it's supposed to be a safe space, because healing is more important than fear of judgement. And because part of healing is accepting that you can't control what others think of you. And I had to remind myself that the knowledge I have of their struggles doesn't affect how I think of them, and so I had to trust in them just like they trust in me when they share. That's hard. But it's also something I need to practice, and I know it.

Anyway, I essentially commented on my admiration for the willingness of the others in the group to be so open and forthright before sharing my struggle in a little more detail than I ever had previously. My hands were shaking and my anxiety was still high regarding what the consequence might be of certain people learning this about me, but yknow, by then, it had already been said, so what could I do now? And I still doubted whether or not it was even a good idea.. but there was still a whisper in my mind that there was a reason it had entered my mind. It was not an accident.

Finally, someone after me shared... and their story was nearly identical to my own. It was their first time sharing. And a peace entered my heart because I felt an assurance that I had set the scene for them to feel safer sharing their own story. That's not to say that I was without any sense of anxiety regarding previously stated concerns... but the peace made it worth it. And one of the most important parts of healing I think, is being able to help others again. And that someone thanked me for sharing after the meeting was over. And another sweet soul gave me a hug after the meeting. The meetings really are special because I think we really do love and care for one another and each other's progress even if we don't really know each other.

I began to wish that the person I feel anxiety over would be inspired to come up to me after the meeting and express some assurance. But that didn't happen, I even had the thought that I could approach them, but they were gone in a flash. But someone else came up to me and did that very thing. And it's not someone I really felt that much anxiety over, but it was still sweet of course. And it felt like another moment of providence... maybe it wasn't the someone I was hoping for, but assurance was given, and it made me feel God's love for me.

There is peace in providence despite whatever consequences that may or may not come.

Forging Identity, Eternal Family

I took part in a conversation recently where someone was describing someone's fears for being judged for his past. Someone else retorted something along the lines of "then just don't talk about your past." I generally keep my mouth shut in these kinds of moments, not necessarily because I don't want to make it a point of confrontation, because if it's important enough to me, I will anyway.. but more so because I can't easily reply without revealing more about myself than the situation makes comfortable.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I would feel if I were in the position of investigating the LDS church. Could I be converted to the point of being willing and eager to change my habits and my lifestyle? Would I be brave enough to change? Would I be humble enough to let go of so many ideas I had grown up with? Would I be meek enough to deal with any judgement I may receive from imperfect members regarding my imperfect life? The thought has really put the character of converts in perspective for me. I have come to really honor and respect that willingness to accept truths that have the power to create so much change in your life. To be willing to act on it regardless of the personal sacrifice and humility required.. that is awe inspiring.

I understand the fear of putting yourself in a room full of people, or a church full of people who may not agree with your life choices. I understand the fear of judgement for your past, and even your present. We each have faults and regardless of how many times we say that we're aware everyone has them, it does not take away our fear that someone will judge us for our unique situation. Sometimes I feel so encased and surrounded by my own struggles that it feels hard to consider that suggestion to just "not talk about it" because it's a big part of what I'm experiencing, what I have experienced... and how do you get to know someone without learning those things? And I'm totally willing to admit that that speaks to a personal character weakness of mine. But the point is, sometimes feeling like you can't talk about something makes you feel like you're about to explode. If things are fully resolved, I think it's easier to just "not talk about it."

When I first mentioned that I was attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I think I mentioned that a big part of why I was going was to figure out a new perspective on my identity. The issue being that I realized that I have incorporated too much of my problems into my personally defined "identity" which causes a lot of problems. The ARP program is pretty centered on the atonement and focusing on God's intended identity for you. My point being, that that feeling of "needing to talk about it" comes from feeling like it's part of my identity and you can't know me without knowing about it. When really, it's not a prerequisite for "knowing" me... my identity is not only one thing. I am made up of lots of moments and thoughts and feelings. One moment is not necessarily greater than the combined whole of a thousand other things. I am not my flaws. I am not my struggles. I am who I choose to be because of or despite of those things. Good to remind myself of that ;)

I think the greatest change that can come to a convert's identity by accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ... is gaining the knowledge that they are a child of God. I think sometimes members forget that a little bit and focus more on all the negative things they are.. but forever and always, one of the biggest parts of our identity will be royal children of a Heavenly Father. No matter what our faults are, they should never be cause for someone who understands that you are a child of a Heavenly Father, to ever stop loving you or caring for you. Because we're family. And you are royalty. 

So regardless of your past, and regardless of your present, there will always be cause for acceptance and love, in the LDS Church.

It took me a long time to figure out family. I remember being really frustrated with a friend of mine back in high school for putting her family first. I didn't get that. I'd hang out with a friend over family any day. I won't describe right now, the moments that it hit me.. but one day I realized that it didn't matter what relationship or lack thereof I had with my family.. I loved them with all my heart. And I wanted to be sealed to them for eternity because that was a sacred bond worth upholding. It didn't matter if I was close to them or if I liked them at any given moment, or if we'd ever even met. They were family. It's one of the few things I think really puts the LDS church apart from other Christian churches.. the concept that you can be sealed to your family, and to your spouse, to your children--for eternity. A promise from God that you will be with them no matter what happens on this earth. I think.. had I grown up without the church.. that principle is what would have led me to be baptized had I been put in a position to investigate the church. At least I hope so. Because it allowed me to have hope for relationships with family members who aren't even alive anymore with whom I did not have pleasant relationships with.

Someone said something recently that really stuck out to me.
"You can talk to God about anything because he won't judge you. It's not his time to judge yet."

That really synced for me with the idea that life isn't about the sum total of your good and bad deeds or experiences.. it's who you become because of them. God doesn't judge us now, because we're still working on the becoming. I found it really comforting. And regardless of those individual moments that make up our unique lives.. we have all been endowed with the power of creation. And part of that power is the ability to create ourselves. To create our identity, who we become. I hope I can be more like those converts. Humble, and so loving and dedicated to the Lord's plan that I have that willing heart to become who He needs me to become, rather than who I would be tempted to be without him.

Leaping with Faith

It's been a few week's since I've managed it, but I went to an Addiction Recovery Meeting last night. I hit a week where I was feeling more so like staying home, and I didn't feel like I needed to go that day. I don't know why I listened. I've had that feeling a dozen times, and every time I went, the step for that week spoke to me, or something someone had to say hit home for me. Last night I was feeling like I really needed to go. And when I found out what step we were on, I admit I kind of got bummed because it's a step I haven't felt particularly inspired by or ready for in the past. But it spoke to some self-realizations I've had this week among other things.

I'll share with you some of what stood out to me. 
"As time passed, though, we noticed that abstinence seemed to make our character weaknesses more visible, especially to ourselves. We tried to control our negative thoughts and feelings, but they continued to reappear, haunting us and threatening our new lives...."

"You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stress in life--maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions."
I wish I could remember exactly how I said it last night in the meeting, because it came out rather well. But, I've been feeling frustrated with myself lately. I've been able to go through years where my "addiction" wasn't a focus. It wasn't on my mind, and in a sense I was able to forget about it. It didn't feel like a big part of who I am. Lately though, with going to therapy, and going to the ARP meetings, and just generally focusing on making changes in my life it feels like it's on my mind more than it has been in the past. And when it comes to mind, I'm less able to forgive myself and move on. Feelings of shame sit in my head and run amok for ages longer than is necessary. 

A while ago I was talking to someone and things just got blurted out. It was blunt and awkward and not said with any sensitivity toward even my own feelings on the matter which completely misrepresented even my own attitude towards the subject. And circumstances did not allow me to fix it. I hate that it was even on my mind, that I felt any obligation to share when I wasn't feeling comfortable enough to do it correctly. It makes me feel awkward and frustrated with myself for making someone else feel awkward, and it makes it even harder to talk about to in order to just let it go. And I hate that it happened with a subject personal and sensitive for me. Now it feels like an awkward subject that myself and that other person will both be awkwardly avoiding to avoid further awkwardness, which is awkward and makes me feel awkward around that person. And the fact that it was awkward tells me that any further discussion would be even more awkward which makes me sad. It adds to the worry that it may be a one-way interest.. that I have made it so this person would rather avoid time with me rather than spend more time. And that makes me sad too. And why would they when I'm just being awkward and not knowing what to say..

Anyway, I know that's all rather convoluted, and I hate sounding insecure.. but back to the first quote... I think it makes sense to say that things are haunting me, sitting on my mind when I'd rather they not. Makes it feel difficult to talk to people because I have no idea what to say, when I don't feel comfortable talking about what's on my mind, and I feel like they wouldn't want to hear it anyway. I hate that sense of feeling like a burden.

I have had lots of thoughts lately that life would be a lot easier for me if I stopped trying to communicate... if I stopped trying to make friends... then I wouldn't feel anxiety about making relationships, and saying something stupid or awkward or not having anything to say. But I also know that isolation breeds more problems than it fixes. And I'm pretty sure it would take me further back into the sense of apathy that I've been trying to climb out of with all these changes. 

I had the realization the other day, that essentially I'm making some of the same mistakes that I made back in middle school when I first figured out some things about my life. I'm in a place of transition again, and I'm reverting to some of the same old coping methods that I used the last time I was in a similar position in life. It was a realization that made me feel like I could take a little more control over things with that knowledge. 

On a slightly different note... I was reading my scriptures the other day and came to the story of Laman, Lemuel, Nephi and Sam trying to get the brass plates from Laban. It made me think about all of the prophets, and how we tend to think of them as being perfect guys who never doubted, and are wonderful at following the Lord's plan for them. But really... a lot of them did have doubts or fears. They merely told the Lord about those doubts or fears and then accepted the Lord's soothing assurances. They leaped with faith despite those doubts and fears. That doesn't mean that they had faith there would be no negative consequences just because they were on the Lord's errand... They just had faith that it was the right thing to do. 

That's sort of the attitude I've tried to have lately when it comes to doing things that make me uncomfortable, like making friends. Every time I have the thought to send a text, email, make a phone call or an invitation that I'm nervous to make, I think... it's okay to be afraid... and it's okay if there are negative consequences... so long as I am doing my best to be true to myself and make the effort to stay outside of myself, which is something I feel like the Lord wants for me. A small, personal leap of faith. And the perspective that some of what I've been going through may be in part because of letting go of unwanted tendencies makes it almost a positive. It's a symptom of something positive in my life, even if it's not fun to deal with. It also gives hope that maybe it won't be forever. 

Love is Independent from Perfection

I mentioned to someone a while back that I had.. some strained relationships with my family growing up. And they asked, specifically regarding my mother, whether I felt the relationship had healed or not. I said yes, but that I think age was a big help for that. I really just have problems with authority figures and when I became an adult she made it clear that I was in charge of myself which I really appreciated and it took my issue with authority figures out of the equation. Made me feel more like we were.. peers finally, or something. Even when I've known that she didn't necessarily agree with something I was doing or thinking, we could agree to disagree and still walk away respecting eachother and loving eachother. And that's important to me. 

I suppose it's an interesting question to me. For the most part I guess I don't really even feel like it needed healing. I mean, yes, I should have been a more respectful and obedient child, and I still have way too much pride.. and it would have been nice if we had all gotten along all the time and such.. but I guess that's just not how I think about it when I look back on the history of things. When I look back on my life with my family as a kid... sure, I can acknowledge it could have been better. Pretty sure most people think that about life in general. But I've always been willing to accept that it was what it was even as a kid. I didn't have any expectations of it being different. It was my normal, it was just.. what it was. 

And while maybe my relationship with my mother or my father or my siblings wasn't the same as what other people experience... I always knew they loved me. And I always knew I loved them even when I was mad at them. I knew I loved my older siblings even though I felt like I had no explicable reason to do so since it's something like a 15-20 year age gap (depending on the sibling) and I barely knew them as a kid. I could count the number of times I remembered meeting them. But I loved them because they were family. And I couldn't explain it to myself even, but it was true. I knew my mother loved me, no matter how often we argued, no matter what was going on.. I knew she loved me. 

Now, granted, lets be honest, I was a stubborn little bugger, especially as a teenager, and certainly my mother and I had plenty of arguments. And I look back on that now and think my mother is a saint for putting up with me as well as she did! But that's one of those healing things that comes with the perspective that a daughter gets with age and motherhood ;)

Anyway, my primary point in all this.. I had a friend once that was feeling guilty about a particular bonding activity she couldn't give her child due to some health concerns of hers. And I told her, to screw social stigma on the matter. That child was designed for her and her family, and it was designed to survive and grow from whatever failings she may have, so not to worry about it. Her kid would not be ruined from this one failing. I think that may be the best and most memorable advice (for me, anyway) that I've ever given. 

My family, my mother... they're human. They had their own failings and struggles and heartbreaks. And I knew it as a kid too. I'm told I was very empathic for a child. And through it all, life goes on, and you have to endure. Who can blame people for not being able to keep up with all expectations when they're going through a hard time? And while maybe things weren't picture perfect, I always had what I needed, and that's the knowledge that my family loved me. Come to think of it.. I think that may be something I would count among my spiritual talents.. the knowledge that my family loves me, regardless of whatever evidence is/was on the table, or lack thereof. I was designed, prepared by God, to be able to survive and grow from the environment I was placed in.. and I would never want a different family, no matter how many trials you might tell me would have been removed from such a change. 

I suppose the thought was on my mind because I have worried most of my life that I wouldn't be a good enough mother.. that my own weaknesses and failings would limit my relationship with my children or would make them susceptible to similar trials and pitfalls that I faced. But I don't even think about my own mother that way. It didn't matter that she wasn't perfect. I knew she loved me and that's all that mattered. And I guess it gives me some hope that my children might feel the same about me despite my personal failings. 

Being perfect does not equate with love.. doing everything right doesn't equate with love.. Love is independent of all that and we don't have to feel like we're failing at loving our children because we're not perfect.. Just like God's love for us is independent from our ability to be perfect. 

Reluctant Vulnerability

Swimming in memories I can't seem to forget
And telling the words only brings me regret
When talking it out is the only peace I can find
But the burden it causes puts me in a bind

My thoughts are all muddled, I can't seem to repose
Instead I feel shame for the weight I impose.
My heart aches for peace and sometimes I have it
But then time passes and I fear I've wreaked havoc
In my life or others, I'm not sure which one's worse
But the anxiety it causes feels like a curse

My purpose in life is to love others, I know
To testify of the gospel, help others to grow
So why do I feel like the one always in need
When I know there are others with more reason to plead

Why can't I let go of the shame I have raised
So confident others will be just as fazed
By my faults, my temptations, my most awkward days
Even though I have proof that there are friends who stay

Who hold no resentment for every weak moment
Because they believe they see me as chosen
For some task God has outlined to which I am suited
Which I believe too but the future seems muted
By all that's around me, the fear I must face
And all that's behind me that I can't erase.

But I'm grateful for hope now when before I had none
For light in the tunnel when before I was done
I forgot how to be vulnerable which cost me my joy
So now I am searching for my walls to destroy
To get close to others and let them all in
So God can be with me instead of my sins.

The Invisible Mold

I was watching an episode of West Wing a while back that I think sets the stage well for the concept that is on my mind today. One of the characters is presented with an argument from a small town in Alabama who wants to make the only rule of law be the Ten Commandments. Throughout the episode the character points out the primary flaw to this idea. That being that that there are several commandments that cannot be enforced because they are of an inward nature rather than outward. "Thou shalt not steal" involves an outward action that the government can respond to, but "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" is an inward sin and does not necessarily involve an outward action that can be identified by law enforcement similar to that of "honor thy mother and thy father." This is why the Ten Commandments are for God to judge and not for man.

It's a lot like our pasts. For some, like those with scars or tattoos, there may be something to their outward physical appearance that may tell you something about the life they have lived, the struggles they have faced, or their sins. For others, because there are no outward physical signs, their past may be less easily observed by others. But that does not make someone with an outwardly visible history any less or any more than someone with an invisible past. Which is why it is God's job to judge, and not man's. Though clearly we need laws that can be enforced by man.. I would argue that it is possible for someone sitting in prison to have committed the same amount of sin or mistakes as someone sitting at home, deemed by man to be an upstanding citizen.

And, I think both parties can feel similar perspectives depending on their personality. Perhaps some with outward signs would prefer that they were not so easily observable to others so that they could not be judged for decisions made long ago. And perhaps some people prefer their pasts to be seen. And perhaps those with invisible pasts or sins would prefer there was something observable about their trials so they could more easily ask for help and seek understanding.. and there are certainly those who are glad that they can hide. Depends on where we are in life.

For the most part I qualify in that "invisible" category for which I have been both glad and frustrated. Glad because I fear being labeled. Frustrated because I feel a lack of understanding or empathy sometimes I wish I could have from others. Which I suppose is silly since as I just inferred above, I have already said that either way, God is the only one truly able to provide us with that perfect empathy and understanding. For the most part I have been feeling lately that I need to do a better job of not letting the past interfere with the present which is difficult... We all get that. The past is part of what shapes who we are, but of course, we and the Lord get some say in how we let it mold us. And in some ways the past is still affecting me in real and present ways that I have to deal with and can't ignore. I suppose in some ways I think I just haven't finished that molding process yet so I'm just not quite ready to let it go. And sometimes I worry if I'll ever be able to let some things go.. But regardless of other factors, I also think I need to worry less about getting the acceptance of people (sometimes myself included) which is sometimes a concern, and just be grateful for the Lord's acceptance of me.

However.. I must say that from time to time I think that the Lord sends us people for very specific reasons (and some people, for less specific reasons)... A few years ago, I was just beginning a very specific struggle and felt very very trapped by stigma. I was at work one afternoon and the prompting hit me to talk about it with this one girl. I had to stop and consider it for a moment because I was the manager. It seemed like an inappropriate conversation to have with someone I was in a position of authority over, and we certainly didn't have the level of friendship I would generally require prior to having that particular conversation, and of course there was something weird about it taking place at work period. But I felt oddly at peace about it and the prompting persisted. And so I went ahead and brought it up. As I recall, the conversation flowed amazingly smooth.. and she hardly skipped a beat. I made a sarcastic comment afterwards about how it was a weird thing to know about your boss, and I will always remember her response. "If anything, it makes you seem more human." I will always remember that, and I think I needed that answer in my life. I need to remember it more often. I needed to hear such a simple and undeniable, clearly unfeignable and genuine response that said "I can accept you as you are" regardless of whatever expectations she might have had for who I was. I need to have faith that that kind of response is plausible. We all have trials, and they are unique to each of us.. and perhaps some of them have more stigma around them than others, but at the end of the day, they all just make us human.

And nobody can judge, whether the trials of others are outward or inward because regardless, it will always be impossible to know people as well and as deeply as God understands us. I have certainly come to the conclusion by now that He understands me and my choices and struggles a heck of a lot better than I do. And I certainly know He has a better understanding of the mold he wishes to see me fill.

Stigma sucks. I wish we could tear it down. I wish we could trust people to accept us--the full, 3D, live and in color us, not just the filtered, abbreviated us. I wish I could better trust people to accept me.

But, even for people whose lives may have a more obvious, physical outward history to them... there will always be that invisible factor to people that we can't see. The outward things we can see are only a hint to what they have experienced. They say nothing of who they have become because of those things.

Anxiety Diffusion, The Happiness Trap, and Trusting in God

I started a blog about balance but to borrow a phrase from a friend, it was coming out as complete and utter "word salad." There's always been this idea out there... that people say we need balance in our lives. Not too much work, not too much play etc. And I've never really thought of it much beyond that. The realization that I came to was that it's not just the overt activities in our lives that need balance, but it's also the inner workings of our minds. Not too much happy, or we won't appreciate it, not too much sad or we might not endure it, etc. Not too much focus on pleasing others, not too much focus on pleasing ourselves.. Not too much worry about being perfect, and not too much complacency in where we are. Not too much pride, not too much self-deprecation. Let's not argue about semantics... let's just acknowledge that it's complicated and I can't fully explain ;)

It reminds me of a book I've been reading actually, called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I won't go trying to find exact quotes right now... but he talks about the idea that we seem to think that we need to be happy. He talks about the myth that we all seem to think that we need to be happy all the time, and if we're not, there's something wrong with us. When in truth, nobody is happy all the time, and the other emotions have just as much a valid and rightful place in our lives. We need those emotions to be balanced. Granted, we don't have to dwell on them, but you can't ignore them or wish them away either. The much faster way to dealing with it is to acknowledge what you're experiencing and then move on. But that acknowledgement has to come first. I love his chapters on anxiety. Trust me when I say that there's a fair amount of time that I have walked around repeating phrases in my head like "I'm having the thought that I'm feeling anxious" or "I'm having the thought that I said something dumb" or "I'm having the thought that that person doesn't really care about me" or "I'm having the thought that I'm not worth very much" etc etc. And as dumb as it sounds... just repeating the phrase in my head helps me acknowledge it, accept it, and move on instead of having the feeling on constant replay all day long. And instead of believing them as hard written facts. There's a fantastic analogy he makes that my therapist brought up with me once. The idea is that our "thinking self" is like a radio constantly playing in the background going on and on about all the negative Nancy things we could possibly think about our past, present, future. Occasionally something cheerful of course, but less often than we'd like. So, if we're totally tuned in to this radio, believing everything it says, we're basically guaranteed misery. And, to top it all off, this radio doesn't have an off button! And if we try to turn it off, it seems to get louder and louder (the same way ignoring our problems often seems to magnify them) You understanding the analogy?  (it's found on pages 65-67 of his book if you're curious for all the deets, it's really quite good). Anyway, he continues on to say, that the alternative is similar to when you're listening to the TV, or listening to music, but if someone were to ask you what was just said, you'd have no clue because you weren't really listening. Diffusion (the "I'm having the thought that I am..." statements I gave examples of earlier) is just that. You're acknowledging the thought, and then letting it go, and getting back to what you were doing. Letting the thoughts come and go works so much more effectively than purposefully trying to block them out and letting them bother you. Let me testify to that! Anyway, this seems to have been a bit of a tangent, but, that's okay, I hope you'll see the connection by the end and everything will make sense.

I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, and I won't try to cover them all, but bear with me for a moment while I go on one more tangent. Someone recently talked to me about the idea that people who have struggled with addictions, often find that they can tend to follow a similar trend in other areas of their lives as well. Addictive behavior as a pattern in their lives so to speak. And it stood out to me as something I needed to consider. It reminds me a lot of that radio analogy. The idea being that a lot of people who struggle with addictions have some kind of pain or issue in their life that they're avoiding, or simply don't know how to deal with, and there's a whole dang lot of stigma attached to what they're experiencing. And that struggle, and that stigma make you really really want to turn that stupid radio off! Like you become addicted to trying to turn it off. That becomes the habit. But doing that just makes it worse.

And in thinking about it, I managed to acknowledge something on Monday that relates to my ability to develop relationships and engage in healthy conversation... and just general anxiety about whether or not other people actually have a desire to reciprocate in relationships with me (which is probably why I would pinpoint words of affirmation as one of my love languages that I don't often admit to, even to myself, but, it definitely helps to ease my anxieties. Probably one of the best things someone has said to me in the last few months was long the lines of "Don't worry, I still want to be your friend" not that that has stopped me from having plenty of anxiety about it since then. But in that moment, it was fantastically comforting and felt like an act of love)... Anyway, I decided to turn my phone off for most of the day on Monday so I could distance myself from part of the problem and just live in the moment with my kids for the day. It took several hours, but eventually I was able to feel distanced from it enough to stop feeling so anxious, and I was able to enjoy at least part of the day with my family.

And I can't begin to express how helpful that has been since then. It's helped me identify a few areas in which I need to be better about frequently using those diffusion phrases in i.e. "I'm having the thought that...." (again, the idea being that by phrasing it that way, you are acknowledging that it is JUST a thought, instead of accepting the thought as fact, therefore distancing yourself from it and allowing it to dissipate naturally). And that diffusion from that particular anxiety has continued. That doesn't mean I don't still think unhelpful thoughts about negative things... but it hasn't been controlling my actions, or my thoughts so much, because I've been able to let them go. And THAT my friends feels so much more like "old Emily." One of the things that I told my therapist early on was that part of what I hated about the anxiety was that it made me feel not like me. I've spent most of my life being proud of the fact that I could hardly care less what other people thought of me, and I didn't waste time on fake personas to appease certain crowds of people... I was just me, all the time. And I loved that about me. And so, to worry that people don't want to know me or spend time with me, or won't want to spend time with me if they know more about me... really irks me, and makes it really hard not to dislike myself, making it even harder to believe that someone else might like me.

Anyway... because of this diffusion that I have experienced for the week... I've been able to see how much fear has stopped me from being a better friend to people these last few years. How much my self-seeking for understanding has forced me to focus on my past and the negatives of my life way too much. One of the initial reasons that came up from my therapist as why the church's Addiction Recovery Program might help me.. was because I needed help in forging my own identity separate from how I believed that others perceived me. I saw a meme the other day that said something along the lines of "The first thought that comes in to your head is what society has taught you. The second thought is the one that defines who you are" And in some things, it has been hard to see myself beyond what society has taught me. And my inability to submit to God's will, and trust in him, has been making that part of the recovery process difficult. But because of someone else's inspiration for me in the last few weeks, I have been forced to consider the benefits for others in addition to myself, in submitting to the will of Heavenly Father. And, as always, how I can benefit others has always been a bit more motivating to me than my own personal benefits. But it has been helpful to see the two in conjoint... with a small window to what God sees in me, and not just society or myself.. and the responsibility I have to live up to God's will for me as best I can.

So, there's where the balance part came in. I needed (and still need) to improve my inner balance. The algorithm for allocating the appropriate ratios of time into each of the things that come into my mind during the day. And... one of the thoughts that came to me during General Conference was that [part] of the cure for anxiety is trusting in the Lord. Because yeah.. some things are still going to be scary, or make me sad, or disappoint, but regardless of whatever consequences may come because of my actions, I have to be willing to be me, and engage fully, and do whatever the Lord asks of me, because if I'm trusting in Him, then I have to acknowledge that the final result will be worth whatever sacrifice of comfort was required of me. And, for that, I am grateful. And I hope I'm able to start doing a better job of implementing that. Forgive me while I stumble through it ;)