The Decision to Be Vulnerable

In my single days, I felt like dating was easy. Making friends was what was hard. If a guy didn't like me, well who cares, I could find a different one. Good friends seemed harder to come by. If a friend didn't like me then I had just lost out on what could have been the friend of a life time. Probably a bit backwards but that's how I felt.

Recently I have started trying to work on that mindset a little bit. I have realized that I really can't worry about whether or not people like me.. no matter who they are, if they don't like me for who I am then they would have been a waste of my time anyway. I hope this mindset helps ease my anxiety when sharing things about myself that put me in a vulnerable position.  Instead of waiting, like a victim waiting to learn how they'll react, I can focus on me. Or at least, that's the theory. It can help me rationalize through the anxiety but it's no cure. And most people aren't very good at being sensitive to minimizing other people's anxiety. Not that that can really be an expectation either.

Sometimes you just have to trust that your decision to make yourself vulnerable was a good one... and be willing to accept the consequences if it ends up being the opposite. Anxiety in this context at least.. seems to me like fear of/unwillingness to accept that potential negative consequence. But when something is out of our control, it's better emotionally speaking if we don't worry about it. And if we cannot trust we made the right decision, I suppose we have to hope it instead.

Communication

Communication is something I have spent a lot of time thinking about. I wish we all communicated better, more effectively, with more depth, honesty, detail and truth.. I have a friend who often prefaces her questions with "I hope this isn't too personal but..." and I wish I could truly instill the idea that I really and truly don't mind such personal questions. I love them. Honestly, I think it makes me feel loved when people care and feel close enough with me to ask them. A sort of.. love language if you will. I had a friendship once with whom I communicated better than I have ever experienced with anyone. We both felt free to ask any question no matter personal, and no matter how nitpicky. We asked eachother to clarify intentions and meanings of words and phrases used and asked for background thoughts and feelings that were happening during conversations or certain statements... that's just how our conversations went, all the time. Sometimes it was a bit difficult admitting to certain background thoughts or feelings occurring during a conversation but it forced a frequent exercise in trust and faith and we definitely felt very close because of that. And we had a rule to always be honest and to answer every question asked. And since this type of clarifying question was so frequent and expected, you were motivated to be explicit and thorough so as not to force further probative questions ;)  I loved that way of communicating. Most people don't have the patience or courage to communicate that way I think.. But I also think that there are a lot of people out there that wish desperately to be able to communicate that way... they just don't feel safe enough to do it. I think that's why I tend to overshare sometimes. Because I'm trying to show people that I feel safe talking with them so that they will feel safe talking with me. I love when people feel safe talking with me about personal things. I guess that makes me feel loved too. And it makes me feel like if the time comes, they'll let me in should they ever need help or a listening ear, which is something I love to do for people. And I love to know people, their history, the way they think, the anxieties they feel... it's a weird way to bond but it's effective ;) Communication is key ya'll. It's da bomb ;D

Guilt vs Shame

Something my therapist talked to me about is the differcence between guilt and shame. It was an important distinction I find helpful even though I still struggle discerning between the two... Essentially, guilt serves a purpose. It can lead us toward making righteous changes. Guilt comes from God in order to help us identify the areas in which we need to change. Whereas shame doesn't help us change. When we feel shame, we hide. We feel less than we are, and that doesn't come from God. I think part of what makes it hard is that we, or at least I, often feel both emotions. Which makes sense really... we do something wrong, the light of Christ in each of us helps us realize that sense of guilt, but Satan doesn't want us to change, so he sends shame as a way to try to get us to impede ourselves from progress and growth and healing.

For me... I think that I have done a decent job of trying to address things quickly when I have had that sense of guilt. When necessary I have confessed to my Bishop. But I don't seem to be so good at letting go of the shame. I leave myself convinced that perhaps I wasn't graphic enough in my details with the Bishop. Maybe I was mistakenly absolved because perhaps with a more detailed account, the result of those meetings would have been different. And the shame eats at me for years. Until I have finally gone to a Bishop again to report an old story when they have essentially said, geez, you've beat yourself up about this for a long time, you've clearly felt remorse, you're fine, let it go already. I guess its just hard for me to tell in those instances whether I'm still feeling guilt/shame because I just suck at forgiving myself, or whether there is still more I need to do to be forgiven.

I think I sort of talked about that issue with my therapist as well. Which is when she essentially told me that while I may believe in the atonement, I struggle having the faith that it applies to me the same way it applies to others. Which I can nod and shake my head at, of course ;) I'm not really sure how to change that though... (no, I'm not looking for advice. I'm not really in a place to be open to it). It does seem like a good place to start though when looking for a cure for shame. Because the atonement promises healing regardless of the source of pain. My biggest wish.. I think, is that I can figure it out at least well enough that I don't pass on this weakness to my children.. that I can teach them how to be humble without debasing themselves, and to know how to accept forgiveness and acceptance from both others and themselves.

Gratitude

I heard a quote the other day, not sure who was supposed to have said it but I appreciated it. "Gratitude is the parent of all other virtues."

 I don't know why I love that so much but I do. I do think gratitude is one of the best virtues, and the most therapeutic. For a long time, I was praying that I might regain an attitude of gratitude that I felt like I had lost. Gratitude is how I would describe the times in my life when I have been the most spiritual. I mean, that's the whole point right? Being grateful for everything Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have done for us? And truly feeling gratitude for something implies action on our part to express that gratitude.

What I have realized is that the one thing I truly feel grateful for is my husband. We've had some rough years. Or rather, mainly I've had some rough years and he's had to put up with me. And he's always put up with me. I wish I could truly describe the levels to which he has put up with me, but probably not something I can do as well as I would like. Although I'll give a few details.

Before we even got married, I explained to Michael that I can't budget. I can't keep track of every penny I spend and account for how I spent it. Thinking about money like that just gives me major anxiety. Even thinking about thinking about it gives me the heeby jeebies. I've always just regularly checked my bank account to make sure that I don't over spend. (And no, I don't want to hear any lectures or well intended suggestions/advice about this topic.) I know this isn't the best policy. And I'm not perfect, and I have room to grow in this area... especially because I tend to be a bit of a therapeutic shopper. It's always small things like chocolate/candy/pastries or cute crafty supplies for activities with kids, or books/toys/clothes for the kids... But I can tend to go overboard. It's a bit of a cycle I think because I buy something, then feel guilty/shame over spending money, and then I buy something else to provide therapy for the guilt of spending. If that makes sense. Anyway, Michael has always put up with this and has never hassled me, and it has been oh so much appreciated.

I appreciate that he has never made me feel bad about not being a great housewife. Really, I'm pretty good at making myself feel bad about it, so I wouldn't need the help anyway ;) But, he's never minded making the odd meal or cleaning the house, or doing laundry. And I've always been grateful that I've never had to feel like he loved me any less because of it. I like to think I have a plan to improve in this area, but time will tell I suppose.

Over the years I have struggled with my spirituality on varying levels at various times... and Michael seemed to intuitively know when to stop pushing. I was really grateful for that since from time to time it has been a sensitive subject. I'm starting to think that I might need more support in that area in order to start moving forward again, and I'm grateful to have him to seek that support.

Michael doesn't like to think about it, but when we were dating he would send me the CUTEST messages. Reasons why he loved me, things like that. Absolutely darling. Good thing I'm the first girl he dated, or some other girl might have snatched him! From time to time he still sends me this kind of thing via text, and its always very sweet.

He let me get a Christmas tree this year. I absolutely love our Christmas tree. Growing up we sometimes left our tree up until as late as June. We even started to collect decorations for other holidays like Valentine's. My mother says it's because she refused to take it down by herself, and nobody was willing to help. I can't speak for anyone else in my family, but personally, I just didn't want to help because I loved having it up. And I've always loved being able to talk about putting valentine's hearts on our Christmas tree! It's one of my favorite memories about my childhood. So, I'm grateful for my mother putting up with it and being such a good sport about it every year when we were younger. It always made me happy to have the tree as long as possible, and longer than most people think is possible ;)

Anyway, this is starting to feel a bit sappy. So I'll go ahead and stop. But I'm grateful that my husband gives me something to feel grateful for when gratitude can be a hard thing to find. He does his best to take care of me emotionally even though I've never been great at talking about my emotions with him. I've never had wine of course, but I believe what someone once told me, that marriage is like a fine wine, and gets better with age. We've got to work at it of course, but never the less, you get the idea. Love him! And love ya'll, for reading this far ;)
💖

A $20 Bill

Shame. Shame is a fickle thing. So different for each of us, and almost non existent for the lucky few it would seem. I was talking to someone a few weeks ago who mentioned that she had never had any issues with her body image growing up. Now, she's a pretty girl, so it's not like this is particularly surprising, but at the same time, I have to admit I expect most people to have struggled with some amount of lacking in the area of self esteem at some point in their life. Seems fairly normal. I admit, I was a tad jealous when I heard it. But also glad, because while I didn't know her then, I have known many other girls who did struggle whom I thought beautiful, and whom I loved, that I desperately wished I could help see themselves as I saw them, or better yet, as the Lord saw them. I still feel that often today. It's nice to know that someone else out there didn't feel those pangs of regret towards this friend, because she did view herself as a beautiful soul, full of potential.

I recently learned that someone I love, has spent a lot of time struggling with shame over something that happened to them. That just breaks my heart. The idea that our sense of self worth can be so affected by an event, or a timeline of events, inflicted or executed is tragic. At one time, this person was convinced there was a possibility of people not loving/accepting them because of something that had happened long ago. I am reminded of the analogy of a $20 bill. If I show you a $20 bill and ask you if you want it, you are likely to say yes. If I crumple the bill and smash it beneath my shoe, and then hold it out again, your answer is unlikely to change. Because no matter what has happened to that bill, its value remains the same. And that, to me, is a powerful and redeeming concept I wish I could broadcast far and wide.

Personally, I fear people not accepting me upon learning how I think/feel. Learning what goes on inside my head seems deeply more personal than learning about what's happened in my life. Funnily enough, generally speaking I don't much care about how people see me... until it involves people I allow inside my head. Now, if I care to do a little self analysis, much of those thoughts/feelings for which I may feel shame, may be related to something that has happened in my life, but that's to be expected I suppose. It's hard because part of me yearns to share some things so that I can A, take that chance, be vulnerable, and make stronger connections with people, and so that I can B, not have to worry anymore about their reactions should they ever find out. Knowing the reaction (positive or negative) seems far better than contemplating and fearing an unknown, potential reaction forever.  However, I have determined that some things are better left unsaid most of the time.

I will say, that I will be forever grateful to the friends (and especially the spouse) I have that have loved me unconditionally despite my flaws and weaknesses. I'm also grateful for all the help I've received. Some people, are AWESOME! ;D

Societial Expectations of Intimacy

I was in a forum once several years ago, where we were talking about intimacy. One girl chimed in that she had made the decision to never deny intimacy to her husband if he wanted it, no matter what. And honestly, that just made me feel very sad for her. I view that opinion as a way to force yourself to feel like an object, like a submissive, like something to be used, like someone whose feelings and opinions didn't matter, like a victim. Now, I should clarify. I do not believe people should use intimacy as a threat "if you do that you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight" but I do believe that women, no matter the context, have the right to say no. Personally, I could never be so outwardly vocal that way anyway. I suppose I'm a tad bit passive aggressive ;)

I have taken great care not to give in to any pressure to being intimate, because that is how I can protect both myself and my husband from a bigger issue. Because I love him, I would never want to resent him for that, I would never want to feel like a victim in my own marriage.

I hate how society makes it seem like it is the obligation and role in life of women, to service the needs of men. And I do mean hate. I hate the objectification of women and what porn does to men and their expectations/their understanding of how women should be treated. And I hate what that does to women. I have known too many women who have been mistreated or taken advantage of in life. I hate when people try to claim that porn doesn't change them or alter their views or their intimacy in real life. It makes me want to swear! The things people learn about sex from porn or even the society created by porn are just awful.

Even in high school I remember there being a boy, whom I never even dated, that constantly had his hands all over me and would pull me into his lap all the time etc... And I felt like I couldn't say no. It's ridiculous that he thought he had the right to do that, and it's ridiculous that I did not feel more empowered to say no.

I wish there was a way for me to protect and empower more women out there to avoid more of these situations. I wish I could educate men and women well enough to alter the societal lessons on intimacy and the role of women. I can only hope that I am able to teach my own children how sacred agency is.. How sacred their bodies are, and how mutual respect and care for the other is vital in a relationship is.. Our primary concern, our first thought, in intimacy, in life, should be for others, and not ourselves.

Confessions

Okay, I admit, I have been feeling a little lost since telling my therapist I was ready to be done with regular sessions. And I have considered making another appointment (still might eventually since I did promise that if I needed it I would come back). I sort of saw it coming, even that very same night we ended the regular sessions. But I also felt like I needed to get over it and not become dependent. I suppose it's just been nice to have someone to talk to that I didn't have to worry about feeling guilty for always having something to talk about regarding my poor emotional health.. Most of my friends are at least semi aware of my backstory in life, but I hate feeling like I'm tipping the balance of our conversations by repeatedly bringing up anxiety or depression or past history etc. Sometimes I fear I'm using it as a tether... Because I tend to make friends that don't keep in contact well and don't really tell me about their lives or feelings so in order to maintain any contact I have to have something to talk about (no offense intended for my friends of course. We all know regular contact is not a necessity for being close friends). But I also fear this kind of thinking is only because of the cycle of shaming that I seem to be so good at..

I once told my therapist that to some extent I feel much less controlled by my backstory than I once was. But at the same time, because I have turned it into a tool to connect with people, sometimes I feel like in order to truly feel connected to people I have to tell them. And I don't like feeling forced to bring up something unpleasant any time I want to feel like I am truly friends with someone. Especially since once I tell them I think people generally feel obligated to talk about it a few times to not seem like they're just brushing it off, which I feel then just gets us kind of stuck on a series of negative energy conversations, which I wouldn't mind other than the fact that I feel bad because I feel like it's probably a burden. (Ps, I acknowledge that while that is the thought process that goes on in my head, it's not necessarily what my friends think of the matter) It's different when it's someone with similar experiences, but that's just not always the case.

And there's a part of me that feels like I should be friends with my therapist now because I've told her all about my life and problems and who knows about that stuff? My friends do. So it seems very logical right? But I also know that would A, be inappropriate and B, would defeat part of what made talking to her so effective.

 Anyway... I still need to work more on getting scripture study and prayer back into my routine. And, reading my self help books, and possibly some exercise ;) for now, I do feel happier most days and that is at least a good start. Anyhow... That's the inside of my head. Welcome to that insider perspective on my secret dependence and self shaming that makes me feel bad about talking to friends about my feelings but at the same time makes me feel like I have to talk about it. But I never claimed I wasn't messed up ;)

"If you can't say something nice..."

People always remind you to give people the benefit of the doubt because you don't know what's going on in their lives. This is one of those hard things to practice even if it's easy to preach. Often we find out after the fact what was going on in that person's life (if we ever find out at all) and I suppose you have to hope that when/if you do find out that you don't regret your actions upon knowing their backstory.

I think the biggest way people offend is through their words. I remember sitting in a circle of people all the way back in middle school hearing people joke about how "that test is gonna rape me" which i never liked..  But it hit me even harder when I learned that one of my friends in that circle had been raped. Think for a moment how she felt every time someone misused the word rape in that way, pushing her to recall something unpleasant and feel like she was surrounded by a bunch of people who were insensitive to her pain.

I myself have never liked when people used the term "that's so gay" to mean something stupid or otherwise undesirable. I may not agree with living a gay lifestyle but that doesn't mean that their struggle or their experience should be vilified into some ridiculous colloquialism. I have felt the pain of someone speaking negatively about something I identified myself as and while I know they would never assume that was something I identified with, I still didn't appreciate the attitude from someone I was supposed to feel safe with.

And that's the thing. Sitting around with a bunch of people you're close to, you might assume you can say things you might not otherwise say.. But sometimes it's better to keep your filter on.. Because you don't know if there are people in your audience that may forever feel unsafe telling you something about themselves after your moment of bluntness. To me that is a sad loss, losing someone's trust, losing the ability to make them feel safe...

Keeping your filter on doesn't have to mean not expressing those opinions even in a circle of people you feel close with, or with people you believe share your opinion... It just means that you should strive to still present those opinions in a way that does not show disrespect. Differences of opinion are OK. Different ideologies are OK. Differences in lifestyle are OK. And differences in how we experience things are OK. But I do not believe in hate. And I do not believe in showing disrespect toward any group, experience, lifestyle, ideology or opinion. And you shouldn't either if you want people to feel safe in being themselves, and expressing themselves, and sharing intimate things about themselves with or around you.

You might think that it's their job to choose not to be offended by your words. And that's true. But you are forcing them to make that choice. Having been in that position myself, I have thought, "Well, I can choose to believe that they are just using the term colloquially and do not realize the pain I feel when using it" or "They don't mean to hurt me personally with their words" But even after making that decision, they still might no longer be someone I feel safe bringing up certain topics with. That doesn't mean some of those people weren't able to earn back that sense of trust and safety, but regardless, you have to consider that at one time or another, that might have been you. You have probably made someone feel unsafe in representing some part of themselves to you. I have even learned of doing it myself to one of my dearest friends, and even my spouse. I believe that if you are truly striving to be Christlike in all of your interactions that this kind of pain and loss of safety will never happen. (Perhaps with some exceptions since people doing evil never feel comfortable being chastised, of course.) But there ya go. That's my belief and my recommendation to you. Be Christlike, Be Kind. Be Mindful.

Why I Am Not Ashamed

"Why I am not ashamed of my ---------" depression, anxiety, personality disorder... These are all things I see come across Facebook newsfeed fairly often. Partly of course, because I follow the "To Write Love on Her Arms" group which is a suicide awareness/support group. I never really felt like I was capable of making that statement because in fact, I am ashamed. Something seeing a therapist has certainly helped me see is that I really struggle wth shaming myself. I think being aware of it has helped a lot, antidepressants seem to have helped a lot, and the last conversation I had with my therapist really hit the nail on the head... I learned the attitude of self shaming. Learned. Its not just something I innately suck at.. It's something I observed from others around me. Somehow that helped disconnect from it in some way. Made it make sense. There's a reason I struggle with it rather than it being unexplainable and unfixable which is how it's always seemed.

But, I'm trying really hard right now to not allow myself to be governed by that shame. It's part of what I've been trying to do with this blog lately. Hope none of you mind ;) but hey, it's for me, not for you ;)

I suppose even though things aren't perfect, or even where I hope them to be... I am feeling mentally stable enough now to feel the desire to help others again. While I may still feel shame for how I feel, I hope in talking about it that I'm able to help others, specifically those that I love, to find some healing.

As for reasons why I shouldn't feel shame... Because how I feel has helped me be more sensitive to the needs of others (at least when not in the throes of depression, but still). The supposed source of my depression is part of what enables me to connect easily with certain people and help them find healing. Because, even if who I am is not considered "normal" it doesn't matter. There are people out there who love me for who I am, and I will find more people who love me for who I am. And Heavenly Father loves me. You don't need to be normal, perfect, or completely whole to find love. And our life on this earth is a lot about love. And because it's OK to need help. Help from doctors, from medications, from friends, from family. It's OK to need help. And I need to be honest about that.

Creation

I mentioned to my therapist on Tuesday that I had started blogging again. I really enjoy blogging actually because it helps me sort out my thoughts and makes those thoughts feel more concrete and purposeful. It's extremely therapeutic for me. And since I do it just for me.. It's a bit what I imagine a day at the spa to be for other people. And I enjoy giving people the opportunity to get to know me in a way you don't always get to know people: how they think. I've only really had one friend with whom I had a relationship where we were constantly asking eachother what was goin on inside our heads. I know she worried that it bothered me but I loved it.

Anyway.. I really haven't wanted to do much for a while now. I've dealt with depression for most my life but this last year I think it just spiraled and I just haven't wanted to do things that I used to enjoy. My therapist said it an extremely good sign that I was "creating" again. I liked that. Io suppose I hadn't necessarily thought of blogging as a creation like my poems used to be or my short stories or drawings.. But I have enjoyed finding joy in something again.

Tonight as I was thinking about that... I thought about other contexts for "creation." Creation of the world. Creation of life. Creation of Man and Woman. I thought of the promise we've been given that as we strive to return to our Heavenly Father, we will one day be involved in the creation of spirits, of worlds.. One of the most sacred and spiritual, celestial, Godly things we will ever do is to Create. So it makes sense that creation is a sign of being in a better place mentally, spiritually..

I attended a meeting today with the missionaries in my church, talking about people investigating the church and how we can best fellowship them... And I felt grateful to be a part of something again. A part of a committee ready to serve, ready to share their love for the gospel, ready to love. I felt grateful to witness these missionaries and their desire to do the Lord's will. I suppose it feels like another opportunity to create.. by kindling or re-kindling a testimony of Christ in others and perhaps myself too.

I was reading an old blog entry earlier today in which I described something about myself quite succinctly... That I have a hard time bearing testimony when I have not felt gratitude that day... Someone in church last Sunday was quoting someone when they said "gratitude is the parent of all other virtues" and I think that truly is the case.. So, I pray for gratitude, that I may be more prepared to bear my testimony of Christ and his plan for us.