Stigma

I've written a few blogs in the last week that haven't felt quite right to post. But I think this one will do the trick. Something I've been thinking about the last few days is stigma. I absolutely hate stigma! I've had a number of friends over the years not want to get a diagnosis because of the stigma attached to said diagnosis. That irks me, because I also know there can be great healing from receiving a diagnosis. It can mean that someone knows better how to help you, it can bring you better understanding of yourself. To be clear, it doesn't irk me that these friends don't want to receive a diagnosis--it irks me that our society has created and encouraged the stigma attached to those diagnosese that makes them uncomfortable! I've never really understood it most of my life though... I suppose I've never received a diagnosis with much stigma attached to it. But I also suppose that's partially why I don't openly share all the details of my life either. Because there is stigma attached to much of who I am, or what I struggle with, and it won't help me to know that someone judges me for it.

This weekend, my therapist recommended that I begin attending an addiction recovery group, and gave me an informal diagnosis of sorts. Receiving this suggestion and diagnosis has suddenly made me very well aware of how my friends have felt wanting to avoid stigma. It's something I am not likely to often share which makes me a tad sad because at the same time it has provided me with the ability to analyze myself in a new way and make me feel closer to healing. And the only reason I feel comfortable sharing this information here, is because I am fully aware of the fact that the only people who read this blog, besides when I post things to Facebook, are people who love me, whom I trust...not that it doesn't still make me feel vulnerable but sometimes that's okay.

Even when my therapist first began to suggest the group, I knew it might be helpful, but at the same time, didn't want to go for fear of the assumptions people would make upon learning or witnessing my attendance to such a meeting. I know full well that substance abuse and pornography are considered two of the most obvious reasons someone might go, which, for me, are not the reason why I'm going. For me, it's more... a way of thinking that I am clinging to, and the atonement is the best way for me to let go... and the LDS addiction recovery program focuses a lot on the atonement. So, it will help provide me with some structure with which to study the atonement, let go of things, and return Christ to his proper position in my life. I've been feeling like I needed to study the atonement but didn't know where to begin, so this suggestion felt like an answer to a silent prayer. Utilizing the atonement to get closer to Christ feels like the best way to feel understood. People have always told me that Christ has experienced all, and is therefore the only one who can truly understand how we feel. Which I've always understood, but never really felt able to utilize. So, that is the hope in attending ARP. And, in attending ARP, I hope to be able to let go of certain things that cause me to hate myself.

Of course, there's always more to the story... but anyway... I've been grateful for the support from people who love me. I know that people who love you are capable of letting go of stigma in order to support those they love. And that, is a blessing indeed.

To Text or Pray--That is the Question!

Sorry to blog twice in one day but things have happened, conversations had and my mind is on a new track.. A while ago I was sitting in a Relief Society meeting at church when someone referenced a quote from some talk along the lines of "are you as quick to pray as you are to text" At the time, it struck me but in a different way. At the time we were talking more along the lines of children driving you crazy, and choosing to text your spouse to whine instead of choosing to pray to your Heavenly Father for comfort or aid. Which, was good for me to hear, but it's also advice I can apply in a different way in my life..

I have always appreciated having close friends with whom I can have deep, personal conversations with. However, over the years, I have felt like these conversations have become increasingly frequent even though I don't necessarily feel like they are even being all that beneficial either for me or for those I'm having the conversation with. Someone asked me today if I was having these conversations to vent, or to solve problems... the occasional vent is fine, but as far as solving problems go, I needed to evaluate whether said problems would better solved by my therapist rather than with a friend. When I started going to therapy, I started to wonder if really I've just been having these conversations because some part of me knew I had stuff that was still unresolved and was seeking to solve it. Even though rationally speaking it's not like I would ever have expected any of my friends to say something magical to fix whatever in me was messed up by my childhood. Maybe I was hoping they would though... although sometimes I think I was also hoping that talking about it more would increase my chance in finding people with similar backgrounds... with the idea that if I helped enough other people work through their crap, maybe I'd feel better or work through my own as well... or something... I dunno. Or just make it more worth it.

But now that I've started being able to have these kinds of deep conversations with a therapist, and had some success in changing my mindset... I also feel a little bit stuck on where to draw the line... what do friends talk about, versus what should I just keep to my prayers, my journal, my therapist. And, of course, I do need to be better at opening up and allowing myself to be more vulnerable with my spouse as well. I really just don't know. I do think the question of whether its a need to vent, versus a need to fix things is an important perspective to start with... but still... I just dont want to feel like I'm overutilizing a friend for something a therapist is better suited for anyway. But I recognize that it is still important to open up to your friends and share the bad with the good. Like I said... where to draw the line is the probelm.

Where I have struggled with prayer for so long, I am left with the reminder "are you as quick to pray as you are to text" and I have to evaluate my ability to rely more on the Lord rather than those around me. And sometimes, I just need to be able to work through my feelings and feel like I'm expressing them. Sometimes a blog fits the bill, sometimes a journal fits it better. Sometimes I think a journal is a bit like a written prayer. The Lord can be my audience because no one else is reading it but me and him or something. And I like that. I can focus my thoughts so much better in text than I can out loud in a vocal prayer.  And because I'm having to take the time to write it out, I think it's also easier for me to take the time and feel His responses. Athough, vocal prayer is still an important medium. Sometimes a person is what fits the need of the hour... it depends. Sometimes I just want someone to understand. And I feel like its more meaningful if that comes from someone you love rather than a therapist... but at the same time, therapists can be a little more experienced in empathy, so you might have a higher success rate with them.. I dunno... and I've got to figure it out a little better so I don't need to feel like such a drain on the friendships I am blessed with. Of course, feel free to insert a statement about how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only ones who can truly understand what we are experiencing, thanks to the atonement. I do need to gain a stronger testimony of that concept since it really does have the most potential for comfort.

I feel like I have been stuck for so long... there has to be a reason attached to it that is my fault. I'm not trying hard enough. And I'm really not... but I also just don't feel ready... but I also don't want that to be a stable excuse to rely on either. I feel so lame saying it. Hate feeling like I'm just using excuses. Someone reminded me that I have had successes this year and I shouldn't feel like I've been without any progress. It's okay for progress to be slow, so long as  you have it. And that's true. And I have been really grateful for the progress I have made.. I've talked about that concept with my therapist as well. And I'm really grateful for that someone acknowledging that and helping me focus a little more on my successes rather than my failings in a way that didn't just feel like an attempt to sugar coat ;) It really should be okay that I haven't perfected certain areas of my life... because I can't do everything all at once, and that's okay. But I'm good enough at seeing my failings all on my own realistically. I just also know that I have had relapses and I don't like feeling that I'm taking a step backward after finally taking a step forward.

Anyway, I'm going to be going back to therapy again... so maybe I'll have better insights soon ;)

An Infinite potential

Sometimes I think we are provided with times in which we feel isolated.. when no one around us understands how we feel, as a refresher, a reminder that we don't know how the people around us feel, what they're going through.

I remember as a teenager watching my friends go through periods of really not liking themselves. Usually because of their personal appearance, but sometimes because of other factors as well. It always made me so sad because I wished they could see themselves how I saw them. They were beautiful people, great friends, and the kind of wholesome people that just make you want to be friends with them because you secretly wished you could be more like them. Yknow? I remember giving one friend in particular, some homework to try and build up her self esteem. Writing lists of things she liked about herself, looking herself in the mirror and telling herself that she was beautiful and wonderful! Sounds silly... but that was one of the first ways I was able to build my self esteem in middle school. I realized that the people who were the most beautiful, had confidence. It was their confidence that added to their attractiveness. So I decided, that I needed to love me, before somebody else could. Looked myself in the mirror in the mornings and told myself I was beautiful. No matter how much it made me cringe because I didn't believe it was true, or because of the awkwardness of the situation ;) Haha. I do feel like it helped though. Which is why I wanted to be able to pass it on so it could potentially help this friend of mine.

Every once in a while... it hits me... that I am repeating the same behavior that I have lamented seeing in my friends... It's so silly that it's so much harder for us to see the beauty and goodness in ourselves than it is to see in others. I imagine that it's frequently how God feels... he can see our potential, and desperately wants us to see ourselves as he sees us so that we can make those leaps and bounds! Sometimes I think it's the knowledge of that potential that makes me hate myself though. Because I already feel like I could be better... if my potential is greater than the distance I already know I have to go... it just feels a bit hopeless. Which, of course, is why we need the Lord's help. I've never been very good at letting people help me ;)

The decision not to hate myself has seemed harder lately. And there have been moments when I have failed, and moments when I have come closer to turning that ship all the way around.. I guess it just feels like there is more I have done/am doing wrong, than I am doing right. Positive words from others don't usually make me feel any better.. it feels like I have a bit more baggage than I'm worth. Too much that people don't know that I feel like would change their view of me if they did. Which I recognize is a bit unfair since I do have people who love me regardless of some of these faults. But hey, who said I had to be rational. It's hard for me to identify why these things are being harder to accept about myself than they have been in the past... Perhaps because they seem more relavent to my struggle than they used to be. Like I said, hard to say.

I know that at least part of the answer lies in learning to trust more in my Heavenly Father... It's just one of those things that we have to learn on our own, and sometimes it can be a rather long, up hill journey. I'm very grateful for all of my friends in this journey though... new and old. I have received far more support than I might have otherwise thought probable.

The Decision to Be Vulnerable

In my single days, I felt like dating was easy. Making friends was what was hard. If a guy didn't like me, well who cares, I could find a different one. Good friends seemed harder to come by. If a friend didn't like me then I had just lost out on what could have been the friend of a life time. Probably a bit backwards but that's how I felt.

Recently I have started trying to work on that mindset a little bit. I have realized that I really can't worry about whether or not people like me.. no matter who they are, if they don't like me for who I am then they would have been a waste of my time anyway. I hope this mindset helps ease my anxiety when sharing things about myself that put me in a vulnerable position.  Instead of waiting, like a victim waiting to learn how they'll react, I can focus on me. Or at least, that's the theory. It can help me rationalize through the anxiety but it's no cure. And most people aren't very good at being sensitive to minimizing other people's anxiety. Not that that can really be an expectation either.

Sometimes you just have to trust that your decision to make yourself vulnerable was a good one... and be willing to accept the consequences if it ends up being the opposite. Anxiety in this context at least.. seems to me like fear of/unwillingness to accept that potential negative consequence. But when something is out of our control, it's better emotionally speaking if we don't worry about it. And if we cannot trust we made the right decision, I suppose we have to hope it instead.

Communication

Communication is something I have spent a lot of time thinking about. I wish we all communicated better, more effectively, with more depth, honesty, detail and truth.. I have a friend who often prefaces her questions with "I hope this isn't too personal but..." and I wish I could truly instill the idea that I really and truly don't mind such personal questions. I love them. Honestly, I think it makes me feel loved when people care and feel close enough with me to ask them. A sort of.. love language if you will. I had a friendship once with whom I communicated better than I have ever experienced with anyone. We both felt free to ask any question no matter personal, and no matter how nitpicky. We asked eachother to clarify intentions and meanings of words and phrases used and asked for background thoughts and feelings that were happening during conversations or certain statements... that's just how our conversations went, all the time. Sometimes it was a bit difficult admitting to certain background thoughts or feelings occurring during a conversation but it forced a frequent exercise in trust and faith and we definitely felt very close because of that. And we had a rule to always be honest and to answer every question asked. And since this type of clarifying question was so frequent and expected, you were motivated to be explicit and thorough so as not to force further probative questions ;)  I loved that way of communicating. Most people don't have the patience or courage to communicate that way I think.. But I also think that there are a lot of people out there that wish desperately to be able to communicate that way... they just don't feel safe enough to do it. I think that's why I tend to overshare sometimes. Because I'm trying to show people that I feel safe talking with them so that they will feel safe talking with me. I love when people feel safe talking with me about personal things. I guess that makes me feel loved too. And it makes me feel like if the time comes, they'll let me in should they ever need help or a listening ear, which is something I love to do for people. And I love to know people, their history, the way they think, the anxieties they feel... it's a weird way to bond but it's effective ;) Communication is key ya'll. It's da bomb ;D

Guilt vs Shame

Something my therapist talked to me about is the differcence between guilt and shame. It was an important distinction I find helpful even though I still struggle discerning between the two... Essentially, guilt serves a purpose. It can lead us toward making righteous changes. Guilt comes from God in order to help us identify the areas in which we need to change. Whereas shame doesn't help us change. When we feel shame, we hide. We feel less than we are, and that doesn't come from God. I think part of what makes it hard is that we, or at least I, often feel both emotions. Which makes sense really... we do something wrong, the light of Christ in each of us helps us realize that sense of guilt, but Satan doesn't want us to change, so he sends shame as a way to try to get us to impede ourselves from progress and growth and healing.

For me... I think that I have done a decent job of trying to address things quickly when I have had that sense of guilt. When necessary I have confessed to my Bishop. But I don't seem to be so good at letting go of the shame. I leave myself convinced that perhaps I wasn't graphic enough in my details with the Bishop. Maybe I was mistakenly absolved because perhaps with a more detailed account, the result of those meetings would have been different. And the shame eats at me for years. Until I have finally gone to a Bishop again to report an old story when they have essentially said, geez, you've beat yourself up about this for a long time, you've clearly felt remorse, you're fine, let it go already. I guess its just hard for me to tell in those instances whether I'm still feeling guilt/shame because I just suck at forgiving myself, or whether there is still more I need to do to be forgiven.

I think I sort of talked about that issue with my therapist as well. Which is when she essentially told me that while I may believe in the atonement, I struggle having the faith that it applies to me the same way it applies to others. Which I can nod and shake my head at, of course ;) I'm not really sure how to change that though... (no, I'm not looking for advice. I'm not really in a place to be open to it). It does seem like a good place to start though when looking for a cure for shame. Because the atonement promises healing regardless of the source of pain. My biggest wish.. I think, is that I can figure it out at least well enough that I don't pass on this weakness to my children.. that I can teach them how to be humble without debasing themselves, and to know how to accept forgiveness and acceptance from both others and themselves.

Gratitude

I heard a quote the other day, not sure who was supposed to have said it but I appreciated it. "Gratitude is the parent of all other virtues."

 I don't know why I love that so much but I do. I do think gratitude is one of the best virtues, and the most therapeutic. For a long time, I was praying that I might regain an attitude of gratitude that I felt like I had lost. Gratitude is how I would describe the times in my life when I have been the most spiritual. I mean, that's the whole point right? Being grateful for everything Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have done for us? And truly feeling gratitude for something implies action on our part to express that gratitude.

What I have realized is that the one thing I truly feel grateful for is my husband. We've had some rough years. Or rather, mainly I've had some rough years and he's had to put up with me. And he's always put up with me. I wish I could truly describe the levels to which he has put up with me, but probably not something I can do as well as I would like. Although I'll give a few details.

Before we even got married, I explained to Michael that I can't budget. I can't keep track of every penny I spend and account for how I spent it. Thinking about money like that just gives me major anxiety. Even thinking about thinking about it gives me the heeby jeebies. I've always just regularly checked my bank account to make sure that I don't over spend. (And no, I don't want to hear any lectures or well intended suggestions/advice about this topic.) I know this isn't the best policy. And I'm not perfect, and I have room to grow in this area... especially because I tend to be a bit of a therapeutic shopper. It's always small things like chocolate/candy/pastries or cute crafty supplies for activities with kids, or books/toys/clothes for the kids... But I can tend to go overboard. It's a bit of a cycle I think because I buy something, then feel guilty/shame over spending money, and then I buy something else to provide therapy for the guilt of spending. If that makes sense. Anyway, Michael has always put up with this and has never hassled me, and it has been oh so much appreciated.

I appreciate that he has never made me feel bad about not being a great housewife. Really, I'm pretty good at making myself feel bad about it, so I wouldn't need the help anyway ;) But, he's never minded making the odd meal or cleaning the house, or doing laundry. And I've always been grateful that I've never had to feel like he loved me any less because of it. I like to think I have a plan to improve in this area, but time will tell I suppose.

Over the years I have struggled with my spirituality on varying levels at various times... and Michael seemed to intuitively know when to stop pushing. I was really grateful for that since from time to time it has been a sensitive subject. I'm starting to think that I might need more support in that area in order to start moving forward again, and I'm grateful to have him to seek that support.

Michael doesn't like to think about it, but when we were dating he would send me the CUTEST messages. Reasons why he loved me, things like that. Absolutely darling. Good thing I'm the first girl he dated, or some other girl might have snatched him! From time to time he still sends me this kind of thing via text, and its always very sweet.

He let me get a Christmas tree this year. I absolutely love our Christmas tree. Growing up we sometimes left our tree up until as late as June. We even started to collect decorations for other holidays like Valentine's. My mother says it's because she refused to take it down by herself, and nobody was willing to help. I can't speak for anyone else in my family, but personally, I just didn't want to help because I loved having it up. And I've always loved being able to talk about putting valentine's hearts on our Christmas tree! It's one of my favorite memories about my childhood. So, I'm grateful for my mother putting up with it and being such a good sport about it every year when we were younger. It always made me happy to have the tree as long as possible, and longer than most people think is possible ;)

Anyway, this is starting to feel a bit sappy. So I'll go ahead and stop. But I'm grateful that my husband gives me something to feel grateful for when gratitude can be a hard thing to find. He does his best to take care of me emotionally even though I've never been great at talking about my emotions with him. I've never had wine of course, but I believe what someone once told me, that marriage is like a fine wine, and gets better with age. We've got to work at it of course, but never the less, you get the idea. Love him! And love ya'll, for reading this far ;)
💖

A $20 Bill

Shame. Shame is a fickle thing. So different for each of us, and almost non existent for the lucky few it would seem. I was talking to someone a few weeks ago who mentioned that she had never had any issues with her body image growing up. Now, she's a pretty girl, so it's not like this is particularly surprising, but at the same time, I have to admit I expect most people to have struggled with some amount of lacking in the area of self esteem at some point in their life. Seems fairly normal. I admit, I was a tad jealous when I heard it. But also glad, because while I didn't know her then, I have known many other girls who did struggle whom I thought beautiful, and whom I loved, that I desperately wished I could help see themselves as I saw them, or better yet, as the Lord saw them. I still feel that often today. It's nice to know that someone else out there didn't feel those pangs of regret towards this friend, because she did view herself as a beautiful soul, full of potential.

I recently learned that someone I love, has spent a lot of time struggling with shame over something that happened to them. That just breaks my heart. The idea that our sense of self worth can be so affected by an event, or a timeline of events, inflicted or executed is tragic. At one time, this person was convinced there was a possibility of people not loving/accepting them because of something that had happened long ago. I am reminded of the analogy of a $20 bill. If I show you a $20 bill and ask you if you want it, you are likely to say yes. If I crumple the bill and smash it beneath my shoe, and then hold it out again, your answer is unlikely to change. Because no matter what has happened to that bill, its value remains the same. And that, to me, is a powerful and redeeming concept I wish I could broadcast far and wide.

Personally, I fear people not accepting me upon learning how I think/feel. Learning what goes on inside my head seems deeply more personal than learning about what's happened in my life. Funnily enough, generally speaking I don't much care about how people see me... until it involves people I allow inside my head. Now, if I care to do a little self analysis, much of those thoughts/feelings for which I may feel shame, may be related to something that has happened in my life, but that's to be expected I suppose. It's hard because part of me yearns to share some things so that I can A, take that chance, be vulnerable, and make stronger connections with people, and so that I can B, not have to worry anymore about their reactions should they ever find out. Knowing the reaction (positive or negative) seems far better than contemplating and fearing an unknown, potential reaction forever.  However, I have determined that some things are better left unsaid most of the time.

I will say, that I will be forever grateful to the friends (and especially the spouse) I have that have loved me unconditionally despite my flaws and weaknesses. I'm also grateful for all the help I've received. Some people, are AWESOME! ;D

Societial Expectations of Intimacy

I was in a forum once several years ago, where we were talking about intimacy. One girl chimed in that she had made the decision to never deny intimacy to her husband if he wanted it, no matter what. And honestly, that just made me feel very sad for her. I view that opinion as a way to force yourself to feel like an object, like a submissive, like something to be used, like someone whose feelings and opinions didn't matter, like a victim. Now, I should clarify. I do not believe people should use intimacy as a threat "if you do that you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight" but I do believe that women, no matter the context, have the right to say no. Personally, I could never be so outwardly vocal that way anyway. I suppose I'm a tad bit passive aggressive ;)

I have taken great care not to give in to any pressure to being intimate, because that is how I can protect both myself and my husband from a bigger issue. Because I love him, I would never want to resent him for that, I would never want to feel like a victim in my own marriage.

I hate how society makes it seem like it is the obligation and role in life of women, to service the needs of men. And I do mean hate. I hate the objectification of women and what porn does to men and their expectations/their understanding of how women should be treated. And I hate what that does to women. I have known too many women who have been mistreated or taken advantage of in life. I hate when people try to claim that porn doesn't change them or alter their views or their intimacy in real life. It makes me want to swear! The things people learn about sex from porn or even the society created by porn are just awful.

Even in high school I remember there being a boy, whom I never even dated, that constantly had his hands all over me and would pull me into his lap all the time etc... And I felt like I couldn't say no. It's ridiculous that he thought he had the right to do that, and it's ridiculous that I did not feel more empowered to say no.

I wish there was a way for me to protect and empower more women out there to avoid more of these situations. I wish I could educate men and women well enough to alter the societal lessons on intimacy and the role of women. I can only hope that I am able to teach my own children how sacred agency is.. How sacred their bodies are, and how mutual respect and care for the other is vital in a relationship is.. Our primary concern, our first thought, in intimacy, in life, should be for others, and not ourselves.

Confessions

Okay, I admit, I have been feeling a little lost since telling my therapist I was ready to be done with regular sessions. And I have considered making another appointment (still might eventually since I did promise that if I needed it I would come back). I sort of saw it coming, even that very same night we ended the regular sessions. But I also felt like I needed to get over it and not become dependent. I suppose it's just been nice to have someone to talk to that I didn't have to worry about feeling guilty for always having something to talk about regarding my poor emotional health.. Most of my friends are at least semi aware of my backstory in life, but I hate feeling like I'm tipping the balance of our conversations by repeatedly bringing up anxiety or depression or past history etc. Sometimes I fear I'm using it as a tether... Because I tend to make friends that don't keep in contact well and don't really tell me about their lives or feelings so in order to maintain any contact I have to have something to talk about (no offense intended for my friends of course. We all know regular contact is not a necessity for being close friends). But I also fear this kind of thinking is only because of the cycle of shaming that I seem to be so good at..

I once told my therapist that to some extent I feel much less controlled by my backstory than I once was. But at the same time, because I have turned it into a tool to connect with people, sometimes I feel like in order to truly feel connected to people I have to tell them. And I don't like feeling forced to bring up something unpleasant any time I want to feel like I am truly friends with someone. Especially since once I tell them I think people generally feel obligated to talk about it a few times to not seem like they're just brushing it off, which I feel then just gets us kind of stuck on a series of negative energy conversations, which I wouldn't mind other than the fact that I feel bad because I feel like it's probably a burden. (Ps, I acknowledge that while that is the thought process that goes on in my head, it's not necessarily what my friends think of the matter) It's different when it's someone with similar experiences, but that's just not always the case.

And there's a part of me that feels like I should be friends with my therapist now because I've told her all about my life and problems and who knows about that stuff? My friends do. So it seems very logical right? But I also know that would A, be inappropriate and B, would defeat part of what made talking to her so effective.

 Anyway... I still need to work more on getting scripture study and prayer back into my routine. And, reading my self help books, and possibly some exercise ;) for now, I do feel happier most days and that is at least a good start. Anyhow... That's the inside of my head. Welcome to that insider perspective on my secret dependence and self shaming that makes me feel bad about talking to friends about my feelings but at the same time makes me feel like I have to talk about it. But I never claimed I wasn't messed up ;)

"If you can't say something nice..."

People always remind you to give people the benefit of the doubt because you don't know what's going on in their lives. This is one of those hard things to practice even if it's easy to preach. Often we find out after the fact what was going on in that person's life (if we ever find out at all) and I suppose you have to hope that when/if you do find out that you don't regret your actions upon knowing their backstory.

I think the biggest way people offend is through their words. I remember sitting in a circle of people all the way back in middle school hearing people joke about how "that test is gonna rape me" which i never liked..  But it hit me even harder when I learned that one of my friends in that circle had been raped. Think for a moment how she felt every time someone misused the word rape in that way, pushing her to recall something unpleasant and feel like she was surrounded by a bunch of people who were insensitive to her pain.

I myself have never liked when people used the term "that's so gay" to mean something stupid or otherwise undesirable. I may not agree with living a gay lifestyle but that doesn't mean that their struggle or their experience should be vilified into some ridiculous colloquialism. I have felt the pain of someone speaking negatively about something I identified myself as and while I know they would never assume that was something I identified with, I still didn't appreciate the attitude from someone I was supposed to feel safe with.

And that's the thing. Sitting around with a bunch of people you're close to, you might assume you can say things you might not otherwise say.. But sometimes it's better to keep your filter on.. Because you don't know if there are people in your audience that may forever feel unsafe telling you something about themselves after your moment of bluntness. To me that is a sad loss, losing someone's trust, losing the ability to make them feel safe...

Keeping your filter on doesn't have to mean not expressing those opinions even in a circle of people you feel close with, or with people you believe share your opinion... It just means that you should strive to still present those opinions in a way that does not show disrespect. Differences of opinion are OK. Different ideologies are OK. Differences in lifestyle are OK. And differences in how we experience things are OK. But I do not believe in hate. And I do not believe in showing disrespect toward any group, experience, lifestyle, ideology or opinion. And you shouldn't either if you want people to feel safe in being themselves, and expressing themselves, and sharing intimate things about themselves with or around you.

You might think that it's their job to choose not to be offended by your words. And that's true. But you are forcing them to make that choice. Having been in that position myself, I have thought, "Well, I can choose to believe that they are just using the term colloquially and do not realize the pain I feel when using it" or "They don't mean to hurt me personally with their words" But even after making that decision, they still might no longer be someone I feel safe bringing up certain topics with. That doesn't mean some of those people weren't able to earn back that sense of trust and safety, but regardless, you have to consider that at one time or another, that might have been you. You have probably made someone feel unsafe in representing some part of themselves to you. I have even learned of doing it myself to one of my dearest friends, and even my spouse. I believe that if you are truly striving to be Christlike in all of your interactions that this kind of pain and loss of safety will never happen. (Perhaps with some exceptions since people doing evil never feel comfortable being chastised, of course.) But there ya go. That's my belief and my recommendation to you. Be Christlike, Be Kind. Be Mindful.

Why I Am Not Ashamed

"Why I am not ashamed of my ---------" depression, anxiety, personality disorder... These are all things I see come across Facebook newsfeed fairly often. Partly of course, because I follow the "To Write Love on Her Arms" group which is a suicide awareness/support group. I never really felt like I was capable of making that statement because in fact, I am ashamed. Something seeing a therapist has certainly helped me see is that I really struggle wth shaming myself. I think being aware of it has helped a lot, antidepressants seem to have helped a lot, and the last conversation I had with my therapist really hit the nail on the head... I learned the attitude of self shaming. Learned. Its not just something I innately suck at.. It's something I observed from others around me. Somehow that helped disconnect from it in some way. Made it make sense. There's a reason I struggle with it rather than it being unexplainable and unfixable which is how it's always seemed.

But, I'm trying really hard right now to not allow myself to be governed by that shame. It's part of what I've been trying to do with this blog lately. Hope none of you mind ;) but hey, it's for me, not for you ;)

I suppose even though things aren't perfect, or even where I hope them to be... I am feeling mentally stable enough now to feel the desire to help others again. While I may still feel shame for how I feel, I hope in talking about it that I'm able to help others, specifically those that I love, to find some healing.

As for reasons why I shouldn't feel shame... Because how I feel has helped me be more sensitive to the needs of others (at least when not in the throes of depression, but still). The supposed source of my depression is part of what enables me to connect easily with certain people and help them find healing. Because, even if who I am is not considered "normal" it doesn't matter. There are people out there who love me for who I am, and I will find more people who love me for who I am. And Heavenly Father loves me. You don't need to be normal, perfect, or completely whole to find love. And our life on this earth is a lot about love. And because it's OK to need help. Help from doctors, from medications, from friends, from family. It's OK to need help. And I need to be honest about that.

Creation

I mentioned to my therapist on Tuesday that I had started blogging again. I really enjoy blogging actually because it helps me sort out my thoughts and makes those thoughts feel more concrete and purposeful. It's extremely therapeutic for me. And since I do it just for me.. It's a bit what I imagine a day at the spa to be for other people. And I enjoy giving people the opportunity to get to know me in a way you don't always get to know people: how they think. I've only really had one friend with whom I had a relationship where we were constantly asking eachother what was goin on inside our heads. I know she worried that it bothered me but I loved it.

Anyway.. I really haven't wanted to do much for a while now. I've dealt with depression for most my life but this last year I think it just spiraled and I just haven't wanted to do things that I used to enjoy. My therapist said it an extremely good sign that I was "creating" again. I liked that. Io suppose I hadn't necessarily thought of blogging as a creation like my poems used to be or my short stories or drawings.. But I have enjoyed finding joy in something again.

Tonight as I was thinking about that... I thought about other contexts for "creation." Creation of the world. Creation of life. Creation of Man and Woman. I thought of the promise we've been given that as we strive to return to our Heavenly Father, we will one day be involved in the creation of spirits, of worlds.. One of the most sacred and spiritual, celestial, Godly things we will ever do is to Create. So it makes sense that creation is a sign of being in a better place mentally, spiritually..

I attended a meeting today with the missionaries in my church, talking about people investigating the church and how we can best fellowship them... And I felt grateful to be a part of something again. A part of a committee ready to serve, ready to share their love for the gospel, ready to love. I felt grateful to witness these missionaries and their desire to do the Lord's will. I suppose it feels like another opportunity to create.. by kindling or re-kindling a testimony of Christ in others and perhaps myself too.

I was reading an old blog entry earlier today in which I described something about myself quite succinctly... That I have a hard time bearing testimony when I have not felt gratitude that day... Someone in church last Sunday was quoting someone when they said "gratitude is the parent of all other virtues" and I think that truly is the case.. So, I pray for gratitude, that I may be more prepared to bear my testimony of Christ and his plan for us.

Imperfect Candidates and Finding Perfection

In light of the election it feels only appropriate to share for a moment some of my thoughts on the matter. Regarding Hillary... The feminist inside me believes that she was a strong woman who would have been able to carry the mantle of presidency.. and I suppose some part of me laments that the "glass ceiling" remains. Realistically I don't think this election ended up having much to do with her gender, but more in regards to her character and for that I am glad. Although part of me worried that having a woman as a president would make our international relationships with countries that do not respect women more difficult, which is sad to admit but regardless true. I hope you don't confuse my sympathy on the matter of Hillary as a vote for Hillary, because I certainly did not vote for her. Having Hillary as a president would have set a horrible precedent regarding our attitude toward abiding the law.

As far as Trump goes... I am sad about the precedent he sets regarding our attitude toward women, minorities, and the example he sets for how we should behave as human beings in general. And I worry about our international relations with him as president as well since he lacks tact, and the ability to garner respect from others. Although I must admit that his business experience should have prepared him for at least faking both attributes (although you'd think we would have witnessed that in the months preceding the election). But, that's all just my opinion.

I read a post a while back from a woman who had been abused and her feelings toward the fact that there was even a possibility of having a man like Trump as president... For me, I don't take it quite that personally... But there is a part of me that knows that policies regarding the abuse of women could be injured due to his presidency. Having him as president does not teach America to be kind, to protect the vulnerable, or to expect valor from our men... It teaches us that men can get away with saying anything they want. It says men can get away with groping us. And as someone who has been there, done that... It is a little sad... If it isn't obvious, no, I didn't vote for him either. But there are lots of terrible people in the world and there always have been.. but good is still possible and it doesn't mean that terrible things have to happen. Trials are for growing.

But as surreal as this day is... My primary focus still has to be on me. My God. My kids. My spouse. My friends. Because I still need to clean my house. I still need to find joy. I still need to figure out how to be a better person, form and follow a routine for my kids, read my scriptures and write in my journal... I still need to regain the attitude of gratitude that I once had. I still need to be strong. I still need to have hope. I still need to attend the Temple and play with my kids. And of course, a multitude of other things ;)

Yesterday marked some positive things in my life like hearing that I was the perfect candidate for the anti-depressants I've been taking and that an increased dosage should do the trick.. Like deciding that I was fit enough mentally to declare yesterday my last day of therapy (with the caveat of course that should I feel the need, I will return)... Like realizing that healing is possible (not just for me but for others I know) and remembering that the atonement applies to me too.. And my family. I have hope and that is refreshing.

Two Sides of A Coin

Yknow I think one of the big things that makes it a little weird to talk about the inner intricacies of one's life in public forums is that then you may have people ask you about those things. I suppose mostly I like to think that I can live in a world where I tell people things in a blog and they secretly get to know and I don't have to acknowledge that they know because we just don't talk about it in person :p haha. Which is funny since at the same time I don't like people knowing things about me when I don't know if they know ha. So yay for unrealistic expectations!

I had an instance with a friend a while back where she noticed a book I've been reading that was recommended to me by my therapist. She asked me about it and I decided to be forthcoming and admit it was an assignment from my therapist. What most people don't realize about me I think is that I'm very good at answering questions honestly without necessarily giving much in the way of information. I give you as much info as I think you want/need/are ready for/I trust you with.. I strive for honesty because I prefer to have that policy with people.. But if I feel you don't need to know something/don't have the trust necessary for the conversation, I will answer the question in such a way, that it is honest, but not forthcoming and lead you not to ask more questions if possible. Anyway... Back to my story.. She then asked a series of questions really just in the mode of striking conversation, not probing/expecting it to lead anywhere particularly revealing.. Expecting to learn more about my family, and ended up learning a lot more about me than she intended. And yknow, that's just how it goes sometimes.. She felt really bad afterwards that she may have come across as nosy because she had asked questions that got a little more personal than she had intended. 

Which, I totally get! I told her it was fine but I knew she wasn't feeling at peace with it when she left so I sent one last series of assurances. This is why if I'm not comfortable with you asking the questions, I probably won't give you the information necessary to be led to ask those questions. Doesn't necessarily mean I won't be uncomfortable answering those questions of course, merely that for you, I am willing to endure that discomfort ;D ha. Anyway, the point is, while neither of us was expecting to have that conversation, I was fine with having it because I generally assume that if you're asking the questions, you care enough to know the answer, and she did. If I had felt she didn't care enough to know the answer, I would have given responses far more vague. And had I truly been worried about it, I probably would have hidden the book before her visit to begin with. I have with other people. Whereas, with her, I'm glad we had that particular conversation.

That's the issue with talking about things on the Internet. Because you have no idea who cares enough to know the answers and who does not. You're allowing yourself to potentially have conversations with people you don't trust and who don't love you. You're also allowing yourself to help people you don't know and who need love. Those are two sides of an interesting coin.. One whose outcomes are hard to weigh.

Rose Colored Glasses

I'm not that big into reading blogs. So, really, that leads me to believe most of the time anyway, that that applies to other people too. So, really, what's the point in keeping up a blog if nobody really reads it? But the fact of the matter is, that from time to time I do read people's blogs, and from time to time people read mine. And even if they're not, writing things out has always been rather cathartic for me, so, it doesn't really matter either way.

My favorite moment, in reading someone else's blog, is that moment when you feel like you get a real, true window into their life, how they feel. It's a sense of camaraderie. It's cheating in a way because you are able to feel that camaraderie, but they don't necessarily get to, because unless you choose to tell them, they don't even know that you felt that way... But still. It's another one of those things about blogs that can be rather therapeutic. Getting the chance to feel that there are other people out there that are experiencing something akin to yourself, or even just knowing that you're not the only one with crap happening beneath the rainbow glass window that everyone else gets to look at your life through. "The Facebook" image of what your life looks like. Cute selfies with your kids, and craft time. Cuz even though everyone knows that's clearly not a complete picture of what life is like, it's easy to forget. We assume everyone is living a better, happier life than we are. Well, maybe not all of us, let's not live in a world of absolutes ;)

So, one of my biggest dreams in life has always been to be one of those people that didn't maintain that kind of facade... someone who allowed people to know and see what was really going on in my life beyond the cute selfie moments. For a long time, I thought that was me. But looking back on it, that hasn't been true for a long time. I was always very very good at hiding my emotions. I remember the first time I wasn't good at hiding it was with my friend Emma in middle school. I could never lie to her and she always seemed to know when I was holding something back. I loved that about her, although it also scared me a little I think. Anyway, I think I became too good at hiding those emotions from myself too.

I have a hard time drawing the line of what to say, which is why I never end up posting anything on this subject like I wish I would. I have the tendency to overshare once I get going, and while I have this fantasized idea in my head of being some kind of figure head on my soapbox talking about abuse or feminism or depression or something..  No secrets. Elizabeth Smart style, yknow? When your story can become a cause that means something instead of just being something that happened. Because when I have had the opportunity to share my story, I generally have had the opportunity to help someone. So, why not talk about it publicly? Why not help more people? That makes sense, right? It's what I want. But I also still believe that there is a certain amount of trust that should be involved before sharing certain things about myself... Because sharing is being willing to be vulnerable, and I just don't do vulnerable very well. Been there, done that, rather not, I suppose.

Anyway, I don't really have a point that I'm getting at... this just seemed like the right balance of honesty towards what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, without super-duper over sharing ;) Ha. Most of me still just doesn't want to talk about anything.. but I also want to feel like things are changing and that means doing something different than how I've been doing it. Granted, there's a long list of things I ought to be doing/doing differently... but... one step at a time.

So, no promises, but, here's to writing in my blog again, even if it doesn't become a consistent thing. It happened, and I'm glad for now that it did ;)

Cheers