Prayer

I heard someone a while back complaining that they did not have time to pray because they were too busy worrying about their family, and I thought... well.. really, you could just address those worries to God in prayer and spend the same amount of time either way, and accomplish the goal of praying at the same time! And the bonus of directing it to him, is that you open up the possibility of receiving an answer, instead of just continuing to fret. 

There's something about prayer, that is far more cathartic than just thinking about things to yourself, even though, on paper, it may sound very similar to the non-praying person. It's a bit like writing is, for me at least. When I write, I give myself the medium with which to flesh out my thoughts, which helps me to think through them, and understand them better. Better than I would have been able to accomplish just by thinking about them. It can also give me that sense of having expressed myself, as though I had just confessed it all to another human being, but without all the anxiety of wondering how they'll react. Prayer is a lot like that, in that on the days I am sincerely praying, I find myself saying things, and praying for things I had not hitherto realized I even felt or needed. I find myself putting my worries into my Heavenly Father's perspective instead of just my own selfish reality. Things feel manageable, and peaceful, even if they are heartbreaking, because I know He cares, and that as I listen to the Holy Ghost, I can find guidance that I could not have come up with on my own. 

Now, of course, I think this has everything to do with how we are praying. When I think of instructions on how to pray, the first scripture that always comes into my mind is in Matthew 6:5-13. Now, this scripture first teaches us to pray in secret, rather than for the purpose of being glorified and seen by man. Then, it teaches us not to use vain repetitions. Now, it's important, I think to remember that vain can mean two things. It can imply conceit, or it can imply uselessness--something that will produce no result. This teaches us to be humble in our prayers, and it also teaches us that our prayers should be unique each day. I think it also teaches us to be sincere in our prayers, because without that sincerity, they will be "vain," producing no result. 

Now, the part that I have always struggled a little bit with regarding Matthew is the next part, which explains how to pray. Because it feels like a formula for a prayer to be used in repetition. And weren't we just told repetition is no bueno? Of course, there is something to be said for the fact that there can be facets of my prayers that are repeated from day to day, but so long as I am praying them with renewed sincere intent each day, I think that takes away the "vain" aspect that is counseled against. Anyway, what helped me with this section of Matthew, was thinking of it more of a list of categories, rather than a rote prayer.

9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 
This teaches me who our prayers are directed to, and the respect that should be shown.

10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
This teaches me to put things in an eternal perspective, to ask myself the question... Is my will aligned with God's will?

11 Give us this day our daily bread.
This shows me that we can ask God for help with our temporal needs. Whether it is our physical needs, our emotional needs... whatever struggles this Earth life is facing us with, we can ask for help with those things.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
This reminds me to consider what debts I may owe to God. It reminds me to be grateful for my many blessings, and to express that gratitude to Him. It reminds me to ask for forgiveness, and reminds me to relay the same amount of grace, patience, and forgiveness to others, as I hope God will allot to me.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
This shows me to ask for help with our spiritual needs. It reminds me that I can ask him for help with my testimony, my faith, my charity, my doubts. I can ask for strength, to be buoyed up against temptation. 

And lastly, I think it is interesting, and important to consider the meaning of the word "Amen." I remember as a teenager, and as a young adult, feeling some level of frustration when engaging in group prayers where someone else was leading the prayer. Every once in a while it has happened where someone has prayed for something that I did not agree with, and felt like I was being manipulated into something by having to participate in the combined "Amen" at the end of the prayer. I don't know when it happened, but I was finally taught that you don't actually HAVE to say "Amen" and the end of a prayer in those circumstances. Prayer is one thing that we should never feel manipulated by. The meaning of "Amen" is generally considered to be either "This is so" or "So be it." It is an affirmation of agreement. It is an officiating word to validate what has been said. And therefore, if you don't agree, it's dishonest to say Amen! I really appreciated that perspective and it brought me a lot of peace.

Which teaches an interesting principle for our personal prayers. What does it mean for our personal prayers? Why are we instructed to end our prayers with "Amen" ? I think of it a bit like signing a document. At the end we are saying "I certify that everything I have said was true and accurate to the best of my knowledge." This teaches me to be honest with God and to be honest with myself. Thinking back to the idea of "Amen" implying a "So be it" attitude... I think it's also a reminder that prayer gives us the chance to hand things over to God. A final recognition that things are ultimately in His hands, and not my own. It also reminds me to be righteous in my requests, because I cannot ask that God "make it so" if the request itself is unrighteous. 

There is a story in Alma, chapters 31-34 in the Book of Mormon that I think also provides a lot of depth into the principles of how we can and should worship, and how to pray. It's about the Zoramite people and Alma's experience with the distortions of worship and prayer he experienced among them, and of course, teaching them the correct principles. I highly recommend the read. But one thing I will point out that is said in Alma 34:27

27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

This is one of those things that can seem daunting... How can I pray continually? Well, someone recently gave me a suggestion for this that I thought was EXCELLENT, and I wanted to pass along. At least in my little Mormon community, we are taught to pray in the morning, and in the evening. Well, the suggestion was, that in the morning, say your prayer as you normally would, and end it with the customary "Amen" in order to follow the pattern we have been given. But THEN, begin a second prayer. And this second prayer, does not get followed up with an Amen. That way you have a reminder for the day that you have a prayer you have already started to Heavenly Father, one that is unfinished. And you add to that prayer throughout the day whenever things come up. I thought it was a wonderful way to teach the concept of praying continually. Our prayers may customarily end with "Amen" but we can have a prayer in our heart that is ongoing, always, and is never declared "finished" because... our lives are unfinished, and our need to connect with Heavenly Father is never finished. It is a way to keep Christ and Heavenly Father on the forefront of our minds during the day... a reminder that they care for us, a way to involve them in our lives, a reminder that we can ask for help always, and not just in the morning, and at night. It is a way to make them, and the Holy Ghost, our constant companions. And a way to help us see that prayers are for acting upon, and not just something to be said in vain, at the end of the day, when the day is already over.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.

#MormonAndGay Q&A

I have debated the decision to share this a hundred times over. I have told myself that it is not something I want to be defined by or judged by.. I have told myself that it is a part of who I am.. I have told myself that perhaps my words could change some narrative for the better.. I have told myself a lot of things. But the idea has persisted and I feel peace in sharing, which I assume means I have a role to play.

I came across the following quote the other day, and I think I took from it the opposite of what it intended.

"Secrets have power, and that power diminishes when they are shared, so they are best kept secret and kept well. Sharing secrets, real secrets, with even one other person, will change them." - Erin Morgenstern

But what if what I want is for that power to be diminished?

I have known for a long time that I am attracted to women. It is something that during most of my life I have kept on a back burner, but I recognize that it was there. And over the years I have had to come to terms with it more and more. And I hope this will help with that.

• Do I think that I was born that way? I don't know.
• Do I think it is possible to be born that way? It's possible.
• Do I think that God made me that way? No. We seem to get confused I think regarding "creation" and assume that God created our personalities, and tendencies and I don't think that's correct. We existed before we came to this earth, just without bodies. We had already made choices, had our own thoughts, our own opinions, agency. Each of us is unique. While He may be capable of giving man strengths and weaknesses, He did not, could not have micromanaged every aspect of who we are. I think most of it is purely inherent to who we are naturally. Who we've always been from the beginning of time. (Although yes I think we are capable of change, obviously)
• Do I think we are affected by our culture and our experiences? Yes.
• Do I think that God knew that based on who I am, and my experiences, that I might struggle in this area? Yes.
• Did he believe I was capable of handling it? Yes.
• Do I think God wanted me to act on those feelings? No.
• Would he love me either way? Yes.
• Do I believe God is saddened by those who act in contrast to His plan? Yes.
• Do I think acting on those feelings would affect my worthiness to live with God? Yes.
• Do I think having those feelings affects my worthiness to live with God? No.
• Is it hard belonging to a church that does not approve of same-sex relationships? No. I don't believe it's a matter of the church not approving. It's a matter of what I believe God approves of.
• Is it hard listening to people in general say bigoted things? Yes.
• Do I think that the traumas I experienced as a child and teenager have influenced my experience in this arena? Yes.
• Do I think experiencing same-sex attraction first necessitates having had a trauma? No.
• Do I think that God still loves me regardless of those feelings? Yes.
• Do I think that we should act on any and all tendencies we may be faced with in life? No.
• Does that put some unbearable burden on my life that limits my ability for happiness? No.
• Has it been difficult not to act on those feelings? Yes.
• Have I experienced attraction to men? Complicated, but I think so.
• Do I normally experience attraction to men? No.
• Would I consider myself bi or gay? Gay. 
• Do I love my husband? Yes.
• Am I happy with my husband? Yes.
• Did my husband know when I married him? Yes.
• Do I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman? Yes.
• Do I think other people should be free to make choices contrary to my beliefs? Yes.
• Did I think getting married to a man would be a "cure" for my feelings toward women? No. However, because I have made the decision to be loyal to my husband, I think it helps the same way the decision of marital commitment affects anyone. Once you are married, you [should] no longer be looking at others with the same attitude as you did when you were single because your decision has already been made. You're no longer "out shopping" so to speak.
• Do I feel self-hatred because of those feelings? No. While it may make me feel self conscience.. I am fully aware that it is our choices that define us more than our temptations.
• Do I think people should seek "cures" for such feelings? No. I would hope people are able to find the support they need to make choices aligned with their personal values. Because nobody is happy making choices that do not match with their values. And when making choices in line with our values is difficult, we need support.
• Do I worry that the knowledge of this facet of who I am is capable of making my female friends uncomfortable? Yes. Very much yes. I worry about this a lot.
• Do I worry that my family will cease to love me with this knowledge? No.
• Will they struggle with it? Perhaps.
• Do I fear people will no longer want to associate with me given this knowledge? Yes and no. In the long run I feel peace in knowing that if people cannot love me despite knowing this about me, then the relationship wasn't worth it.
• Do I regret not living an alternative lifestyle to the one I have now? No.
• Do I think I would have been happier living that lifestyle? No. Because there is an emptiness to living contrary to God's wishes even if we often do not recognize it. I would rather the companionship of the Holy Ghost.
• Do I think people should be hated, disrespected or discriminated against merely because they are making choices contrary to the ones I would make for myself? No.
• Do I think my experiences affect my perspective? Yes.
• Do I think this experience is capable of teaching me things, and providing me with the necessary empathy to be a blessing in the lives of others? Yes.
• Do I think I can equate my experience with all who experience same-sex attraction? No. We are all unique and experience things differently and to varying degrees.
• Do I think our choices can magnify or reduce any given tendency? With time, yes.
• Do I think any of us should try to judge the struggles of another? No. Worry about yourself.
• Do I think that should stop people from fighting for their personal values? No.
• Do I believe this one attribute defines me? No. There is a lot more to me than one attribute. And I would hope others would see that too.

And that is a small part of my story. If it's awkward you can tell me. If it's not awkward you can tell me that too. Or you can pretend you don't know. That's up to you. I won't respond to hate or disrespect or annoyance in general.. But I will answer any question asked with love, even if it is awkward. That's my rule.

Varying Defenses

This is a little more sensitive than I usually go, but it felt worth mentioning. From time to time I have a certain genre of nightmares that hit too close for home. I really can't complain because they used to plague me. So, the occasional is better than the consistent. To make a long story short... in some ways I suppose I have even been grateful for these dreams.. because they are one of the reasons why I have a testimony of prayer. Because, you see, they didn't cease being a plague in my life until I prayed for them to stop. And, like I said, it's a longer story than that, but if you ever want to know you'll ask ;) I went years without having them after that prayer though.. and it was a sabbatical I greatly needed in my life at that time. It was such a breath of relief.

However, sometimes I find that prayer is not the immediate answer. In regard to these dreams... I often find it very difficult to pray because I cannot close my eyes afterwards without being bombarded with the very visuals I am wishing would leave me be. That effect can sometimes haunt me for days afterwards. In these instances, I find that my saving grace is being able to read the scriptures. They help me feel the spirit, help me clear my mind of my troubles, help me re-center my thoughts on the Savior, and bring me peace. Even after that, I often pray with my eyes open so as not to re-invite unwanted visuals from my nightmares, but I feel able to pray again, having been renewed in my defenses against the adversary. That is one of the many blessings we can receive from doing the things we've been asked by God to do, like reading the scriptures, praying, serving others... Renewed strength against the adversary.

And that is the moral of the story.. Heavenly Father knows us, and he knows that sometimes we need to find Him, find that strength and defense from the firey darts of the adversary, through different avenues in life depending on our present needs at any given time.  So just like each of us have different learning styles (auditory, visual, tactile, etc).. he provides us with different ways we can reach out to Him, learn from Him, and gain access to the Holy Ghost. And I certainly won't try to name all the possible avenues, because I'm sure that varies nearly as much as each of us varies... But it seems to me, an evidence of how well our Heavenly Father knows us, loves us, and wants to help us. Sometimes we just have to try different things to figure out what will work in whatever unique circumstance we're in, in order to find the technique that will bring us His much needed peace and protection that day.

Acknowledging the Elephant

Excuse me while I sound a bit like I'm speaking from my soapbox for a moment.. I spoke a while back about the idea that our trials, experiences or temptations, character flaws or mistakes.. don't have to define us. It can be tempting sometimes to feel overwhelmingly defined by certain things we struggle with..

What I decided tonight is that while we certainly should not feel any obligation to be defined by any one aspect of ourselves.. especially when it overwhelms us... it is okay to accept things into our concept of who we are. Sometimes trying to pretend like things don't exist makes them that much more overwhelming.. I think it has the ability to make it seem more important than it really is.. Feeling like we have a hidden factor of our identity that none or few people know... can feel like the elephant in the room, even if you're fully aware that you're the only one in the room that senses the elephant. Or you hope you're the only one ;)

So, while I still don't think I'd recommend letting any one thing overwhelmingly control your concept of self, or your concept of anyone's identity really... I do think it's good/okay to incorporate new things. 

I've discussed the concept of labeling theory with quite a few people over the years. Receiving a label can be scary because you don't want to be defined by that label, or by the stereotypes of that label. But at the same time I think receiving a label can be very helpful because it can open the door to resources otherwise unavailable, and it can help answer a lot of questions. And having an explanation for why you are the way you are can be very soothing and relieve concerns regarding shame.

But the way it feels like it applies here, to me anyway, is that perhaps defining yourself or others by a solitary thing is where the negative aspects of labeling theory come in (self fulfilling prophecies, stereotypes, etc).. whereas, if we are able to incorporate new (or old) trials, experiences, temptations etc into our concept of self... rather than let these new additions replace our old self-concepts.. if we acknowledge them instead of ignoring them.. then we better enable ourselves to deal with them, combat them, build upon them, we enable ourselves to progress rather than remain stagnant. And I'm not necessarily saying you have to or should acknowledge these things to people in the world.. that's something only you could decide..

I'm merely saying that I believe there is a lot of power in giving yourself access to that knowledge (admitting it to yourself) without allowing it to define you. 

Chocolate Promptings

Today I had one of those small, seemingly insignificant things happen that ended up being rather comforting. I went to a meeting today, and before I left I grabbed a piece of chocolate from the bag my husband had bought me for Mother's Day because he knew my stash needed replenishing. Very sweet since he's doing a no sugar diet himself right now. I will always admire his ability for self control.

Anyway, I wasn't even really in the mood for the piece of chocolate so I wasn't entirely sure why I was grabbing it but I did anyway. Driving to my meeting I thought about eating it, but still, only because it was there and not really because I wanted it, so I figured I'd save it for my drive home. After the meeting, (which was good for me by the way, for multiple reasons, I laughed, I felt inspired, I felt lifted, but otherwise it's a totally different story from the one I'm currently telling!).. anyway, after the meeting I stopped at Walmart to get one last cardboard box for the cardboard castle I'm making for my son's birthday party this weekend. Walking through any grocery store is always hard for me. I know you wouldn't think it to look at me but desserts are such a temptation for me. I see all the yummies and I want the yummies!

But, I told myself that I still had that piece of chocolate waiting for me in the car to satisfy the craving, and therefore had no need to buy anything else while at the store. Now.. I know this seems small and random, but I've been praying to be helped in not spending money I don't need to spend, including money on tempting yummies.. and so the fact that I had been prompted to bring that piece of chocolate with me when I didn't even want it at the time... when it allowed me to say No to the food in the store.. was very comforting. And I'm sure it makes my dear hubby proud ;)

It's just one of those things where you know... that if Heavenly Father can care about the smaller problems in your life, and help prepare you for them.. then he certainly cares enough about you to help prepare you for the larger problems in life too. He's not necessarily going to fix them right away or take the issue away, or magically put candy in your hands.. but he can guide us as to what we need to bring along on our journeys to be most fit for the challenges coming our way, even if that just requires a little piece of chocolate :) it's just up to us to listen even when the instructions don't always make sense in the moment.

Providence in Healing

My second week going to the Addiction Recovery Program meetings, someone shared their story with the disclaimer statement of "I don't usually go into this much detail, but I'm feeling prompted to tonight for whatever reason." I was at least one of those reasons. His story was exactly what I needed to hear that day. It helped me feel like there was indeed a reason for me to be going to these meetings. And it put into words things I hadn't quite figured out yet. It didn't matter that his story was different than mine, we had things in common that were helpful for me.

Yesterday I think I had the opportunity to do that for someone else. It was interesting because while the step was good yesterday, nothing really stood out for me especially--at least in part because I'm not really there yet. So when it came to sharing time I was pretty sure I was going to pass. And when it came to start sharing time two different people raised their hands to start the sharing. Had a different person been called on, I probably wouldn't have shared what I did. So there's your "coincidence" / inspiration of the missionaries that lead the group that set the scene (providence). I was still feeling pretty certain I was going to pass until the same person shared that had been the one to go into more detail during my second time attending the group. I have no idea what triggered it... it really didn't have anything to do with what he said... I just began to think about how honest and meek the men are that attend the group. I was thinking about how I still have a lot to learn from them when it comes to being able to admit my struggles. And that's when my thoughts began to form regarding what I was to share. I almost changed my mind when someone further down the line shared something. Certain worries came to mind...And I admit, there are a few people in the group that know me and I worry about their perspectives of me changing with fuller knowledge of my struggles. But I'm not the only one in the group that knows other people there. Other people have commented on it being harder to share knowing people there, and they did it anyway because it's supposed to be a safe space, because healing is more important than fear of judgement. And because part of healing is accepting that you can't control what others think of you. And I had to remind myself that the knowledge I have of their struggles doesn't affect how I think of them, and so I had to trust in them just like they trust in me when they share. That's hard. But it's also something I need to practice, and I know it.

Anyway, I essentially commented on my admiration for the willingness of the others in the group to be so open and forthright before sharing my struggle in a little more detail than I ever had previously. My hands were shaking and my anxiety was still high regarding what the consequence might be of certain people learning this about me, but yknow, by then, it had already been said, so what could I do now? And I still doubted whether or not it was even a good idea.. but there was still a whisper in my mind that there was a reason it had entered my mind. It was not an accident.

Finally, someone after me shared... and their story was nearly identical to my own. It was their first time sharing. And a peace entered my heart because I felt an assurance that I had set the scene for them to feel safer sharing their own story. That's not to say that I was without any sense of anxiety regarding previously stated concerns... but the peace made it worth it. And one of the most important parts of healing I think, is being able to help others again. And that someone thanked me for sharing after the meeting was over. And another sweet soul gave me a hug after the meeting. The meetings really are special because I think we really do love and care for one another and each other's progress even if we don't really know each other.

I began to wish that the person I feel anxiety over would be inspired to come up to me after the meeting and express some assurance. But that didn't happen, I even had the thought that I could approach them, but they were gone in a flash. But someone else came up to me and did that very thing. And it's not someone I really felt that much anxiety over, but it was still sweet of course. And it felt like another moment of providence... maybe it wasn't the someone I was hoping for, but assurance was given, and it made me feel God's love for me.

There is peace in providence despite whatever consequences that may or may not come.

Forging Identity, Eternal Family

I took part in a conversation recently where someone was describing someone's fears for being judged for his past. Someone else retorted something along the lines of "then just don't talk about your past." I generally keep my mouth shut in these kinds of moments, not necessarily because I don't want to make it a point of confrontation, because if it's important enough to me, I will anyway.. but more so because I can't easily reply without revealing more about myself than the situation makes comfortable.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I would feel if I were in the position of investigating the LDS church. Could I be converted to the point of being willing and eager to change my habits and my lifestyle? Would I be brave enough to change? Would I be humble enough to let go of so many ideas I had grown up with? Would I be meek enough to deal with any judgement I may receive from imperfect members regarding my imperfect life? The thought has really put the character of converts in perspective for me. I have come to really honor and respect that willingness to accept truths that have the power to create so much change in your life. To be willing to act on it regardless of the personal sacrifice and humility required.. that is awe inspiring.

I understand the fear of putting yourself in a room full of people, or a church full of people who may not agree with your life choices. I understand the fear of judgement for your past, and even your present. We each have faults and regardless of how many times we say that we're aware everyone has them, it does not take away our fear that someone will judge us for our unique situation. Sometimes I feel so encased and surrounded by my own struggles that it feels hard to consider that suggestion to just "not talk about it" because it's a big part of what I'm experiencing, what I have experienced... and how do you get to know someone without learning those things? And I'm totally willing to admit that that speaks to a personal character weakness of mine. But the point is, sometimes feeling like you can't talk about something makes you feel like you're about to explode. If things are fully resolved, I think it's easier to just "not talk about it."

When I first mentioned that I was attending the Addiction Recovery Meetings, I think I mentioned that a big part of why I was going was to figure out a new perspective on my identity. The issue being that I realized that I have incorporated too much of my problems into my personally defined "identity" which causes a lot of problems. The ARP program is pretty centered on the atonement and focusing on God's intended identity for you. My point being, that that feeling of "needing to talk about it" comes from feeling like it's part of my identity and you can't know me without knowing about it. When really, it's not a prerequisite for "knowing" me... my identity is not only one thing. I am made up of lots of moments and thoughts and feelings. One moment is not necessarily greater than the combined whole of a thousand other things. I am not my flaws. I am not my struggles. I am who I choose to be because of or despite of those things. Good to remind myself of that ;)

I think the greatest change that can come to a convert's identity by accepting the gospel of Jesus Christ... is gaining the knowledge that they are a child of God. I think sometimes members forget that a little bit and focus more on all the negative things they are.. but forever and always, one of the biggest parts of our identity will be royal children of a Heavenly Father. No matter what our faults are, they should never be cause for someone who understands that you are a child of a Heavenly Father, to ever stop loving you or caring for you. Because we're family. And you are royalty. 

So regardless of your past, and regardless of your present, there will always be cause for acceptance and love, in the LDS Church.

It took me a long time to figure out family. I remember being really frustrated with a friend of mine back in high school for putting her family first. I didn't get that. I'd hang out with a friend over family any day. I won't describe right now, the moments that it hit me.. but one day I realized that it didn't matter what relationship or lack thereof I had with my family.. I loved them with all my heart. And I wanted to be sealed to them for eternity because that was a sacred bond worth upholding. It didn't matter if I was close to them or if I liked them at any given moment, or if we'd ever even met. They were family. It's one of the few things I think really puts the LDS church apart from other Christian churches.. the concept that you can be sealed to your family, and to your spouse, to your children--for eternity. A promise from God that you will be with them no matter what happens on this earth. I think.. had I grown up without the church.. that principle is what would have led me to be baptized had I been put in a position to investigate the church. At least I hope so. Because it allowed me to have hope for relationships with family members who aren't even alive anymore with whom I did not have pleasant relationships with.

Someone said something recently that really stuck out to me.
"You can talk to God about anything because he won't judge you. It's not his time to judge yet."

That really synced for me with the idea that life isn't about the sum total of your good and bad deeds or experiences.. it's who you become because of them. God doesn't judge us now, because we're still working on the becoming. I found it really comforting. And regardless of those individual moments that make up our unique lives.. we have all been endowed with the power of creation. And part of that power is the ability to create ourselves. To create our identity, who we become. I hope I can be more like those converts. Humble, and so loving and dedicated to the Lord's plan that I have that willing heart to become who He needs me to become, rather than who I would be tempted to be without him.

Leaping with Faith

It's been a few week's since I've managed it, but I went to an Addiction Recovery Meeting last night. I hit a week where I was feeling more so like staying home, and I didn't feel like I needed to go that day. I don't know why I listened. I've had that feeling a dozen times, and every time I went, the step for that week spoke to me, or something someone had to say hit home for me. Last night I was feeling like I really needed to go. And when I found out what step we were on, I admit I kind of got bummed because it's a step I haven't felt particularly inspired by or ready for in the past. But it spoke to some self-realizations I've had this week among other things.

I'll share with you some of what stood out to me. 
"As time passed, though, we noticed that abstinence seemed to make our character weaknesses more visible, especially to ourselves. We tried to control our negative thoughts and feelings, but they continued to reappear, haunting us and threatening our new lives...."

"You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stress in life--maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions."
I wish I could remember exactly how I said it last night in the meeting, because it came out rather well. But, I've been feeling frustrated with myself lately. I've been able to go through years where my "addiction" wasn't a focus. It wasn't on my mind, and in a sense I was able to forget about it. It didn't feel like a big part of who I am. Lately though, with going to therapy, and going to the ARP meetings, and just generally focusing on making changes in my life it feels like it's on my mind more than it has been in the past. And when it comes to mind, I'm less able to forgive myself and move on. Feelings of shame sit in my head and run amok for ages longer than is necessary. 

A while ago I was talking to someone and things just got blurted out. It was blunt and awkward and not said with any sensitivity toward even my own feelings on the matter which completely misrepresented even my own attitude towards the subject. And circumstances did not allow me to fix it. I hate that it was even on my mind, that I felt any obligation to share when I wasn't feeling comfortable enough to do it correctly. It makes me feel awkward and frustrated with myself for making someone else feel awkward, and it makes it even harder to talk about to in order to just let it go. And I hate that it happened with a subject personal and sensitive for me. Now it feels like an awkward subject that myself and that other person will both be awkwardly avoiding to avoid further awkwardness, which is awkward and makes me feel awkward around that person. And the fact that it was awkward tells me that any further discussion would be even more awkward which makes me sad. It adds to the worry that it may be a one-way interest.. that I have made it so this person would rather avoid time with me rather than spend more time. And that makes me sad too. And why would they when I'm just being awkward and not knowing what to say..

Anyway, I know that's all rather convoluted, and I hate sounding insecure.. but back to the first quote... I think it makes sense to say that things are haunting me, sitting on my mind when I'd rather they not. Makes it feel difficult to talk to people because I have no idea what to say, when I don't feel comfortable talking about what's on my mind, and I feel like they wouldn't want to hear it anyway. I hate that sense of feeling like a burden.

I have had lots of thoughts lately that life would be a lot easier for me if I stopped trying to communicate... if I stopped trying to make friends... then I wouldn't feel anxiety about making relationships, and saying something stupid or awkward or not having anything to say. But I also know that isolation breeds more problems than it fixes. And I'm pretty sure it would take me further back into the sense of apathy that I've been trying to climb out of with all these changes. 

I had the realization the other day, that essentially I'm making some of the same mistakes that I made back in middle school when I first figured out some things about my life. I'm in a place of transition again, and I'm reverting to some of the same old coping methods that I used the last time I was in a similar position in life. It was a realization that made me feel like I could take a little more control over things with that knowledge. 

On a slightly different note... I was reading my scriptures the other day and came to the story of Laman, Lemuel, Nephi and Sam trying to get the brass plates from Laban. It made me think about all of the prophets, and how we tend to think of them as being perfect guys who never doubted, and are wonderful at following the Lord's plan for them. But really... a lot of them did have doubts or fears. They merely told the Lord about those doubts or fears and then accepted the Lord's soothing assurances. They leaped with faith despite those doubts and fears. That doesn't mean that they had faith there would be no negative consequences just because they were on the Lord's errand... They just had faith that it was the right thing to do. 

That's sort of the attitude I've tried to have lately when it comes to doing things that make me uncomfortable, like making friends. Every time I have the thought to send a text, email, make a phone call or an invitation that I'm nervous to make, I think... it's okay to be afraid... and it's okay if there are negative consequences... so long as I am doing my best to be true to myself and make the effort to stay outside of myself, which is something I feel like the Lord wants for me. A small, personal leap of faith. And the perspective that some of what I've been going through may be in part because of letting go of unwanted tendencies makes it almost a positive. It's a symptom of something positive in my life, even if it's not fun to deal with. It also gives hope that maybe it won't be forever. 

Love is Independent from Perfection

I mentioned to someone a while back that I had.. some strained relationships with my family growing up. And they asked, specifically regarding my mother, whether I felt the relationship had healed or not. I said yes, but that I think age was a big help for that. I really just have problems with authority figures and when I became an adult she made it clear that I was in charge of myself which I really appreciated and it took my issue with authority figures out of the equation. Made me feel more like we were.. peers finally, or something. Even when I've known that she didn't necessarily agree with something I was doing or thinking, we could agree to disagree and still walk away respecting eachother and loving eachother. And that's important to me. 

I suppose it's an interesting question to me. For the most part I guess I don't really even feel like it needed healing. I mean, yes, I should have been a more respectful and obedient child, and I still have way too much pride.. and it would have been nice if we had all gotten along all the time and such.. but I guess that's just not how I think about it when I look back on the history of things. When I look back on my life with my family as a kid... sure, I can acknowledge it could have been better. Pretty sure most people think that about life in general. But I've always been willing to accept that it was what it was even as a kid. I didn't have any expectations of it being different. It was my normal, it was just.. what it was. 

And while maybe my relationship with my mother or my father or my siblings wasn't the same as what other people experience... I always knew they loved me. And I always knew I loved them even when I was mad at them. I knew I loved my older siblings even though I felt like I had no explicable reason to do so since it's something like a 15-20 year age gap (depending on the sibling) and I barely knew them as a kid. I could count the number of times I remembered meeting them. But I loved them because they were family. And I couldn't explain it to myself even, but it was true. I knew my mother loved me, no matter how often we argued, no matter what was going on.. I knew she loved me. 

Now, granted, lets be honest, I was a stubborn little bugger, especially as a teenager, and certainly my mother and I had plenty of arguments. And I look back on that now and think my mother is a saint for putting up with me as well as she did! But that's one of those healing things that comes with the perspective that a daughter gets with age and motherhood ;)

Anyway, my primary point in all this.. I had a friend once that was feeling guilty about a particular bonding activity she couldn't give her child due to some health concerns of hers. And I told her, to screw social stigma on the matter. That child was designed for her and her family, and it was designed to survive and grow from whatever failings she may have, so not to worry about it. Her kid would not be ruined from this one failing. I think that may be the best and most memorable advice (for me, anyway) that I've ever given. 

My family, my mother... they're human. They had their own failings and struggles and heartbreaks. And I knew it as a kid too. I'm told I was very empathic for a child. And through it all, life goes on, and you have to endure. Who can blame people for not being able to keep up with all expectations when they're going through a hard time? And while maybe things weren't picture perfect, I always had what I needed, and that's the knowledge that my family loved me. Come to think of it.. I think that may be something I would count among my spiritual talents.. the knowledge that my family loves me, regardless of whatever evidence is/was on the table, or lack thereof. I was designed, prepared by God, to be able to survive and grow from the environment I was placed in.. and I would never want a different family, no matter how many trials you might tell me would have been removed from such a change. 

I suppose the thought was on my mind because I have worried most of my life that I wouldn't be a good enough mother.. that my own weaknesses and failings would limit my relationship with my children or would make them susceptible to similar trials and pitfalls that I faced. But I don't even think about my own mother that way. It didn't matter that she wasn't perfect. I knew she loved me and that's all that mattered. And I guess it gives me some hope that my children might feel the same about me despite my personal failings. 

Being perfect does not equate with love.. doing everything right doesn't equate with love.. Love is independent of all that and we don't have to feel like we're failing at loving our children because we're not perfect.. Just like God's love for us is independent from our ability to be perfect. 

Reluctant Vulnerability

Swimming in memories I can't seem to forget
And telling the words only brings me regret
When talking it out is the only peace I can find
But the burden it causes puts me in a bind

My thoughts are all muddled, I can't seem to repose
Instead I feel shame for the weight I impose.
My heart aches for peace and sometimes I have it
But then time passes and I fear I've wreaked havoc
In my life or others, I'm not sure which one's worse
But the anxiety it causes feels like a curse

My purpose in life is to love others, I know
To testify of the gospel, help others to grow
So why do I feel like the one always in need
When I know there are others with more reason to plead

Why can't I let go of the shame I have raised
So confident others will be just as fazed
By my faults, my temptations, my most awkward days
Even though I have proof that there are friends who stay

Who hold no resentment for every weak moment
Because they believe they see me as chosen
For some task God has outlined to which I am suited
Which I believe too but the future seems muted
By all that's around me, the fear I must face
And all that's behind me that I can't erase.

But I'm grateful for hope now when before I had none
For light in the tunnel when before I was done
I forgot how to be vulnerable which cost me my joy
So now I am searching for my walls to destroy
To get close to others and let them all in
So God can be with me instead of my sins.

The Invisible Mold

I was watching an episode of West Wing a while back that I think sets the stage well for the concept that is on my mind today. One of the characters is presented with an argument from a small town in Alabama who wants to make the only rule of law be the Ten Commandments. Throughout the episode the character points out the primary flaw to this idea. That being that that there are several commandments that cannot be enforced because they are of an inward nature rather than outward. "Thou shalt not steal" involves an outward action that the government can respond to, but "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" is an inward sin and does not necessarily involve an outward action that can be identified by law enforcement similar to that of "honor thy mother and thy father." This is why the Ten Commandments are for God to judge and not for man.

It's a lot like our pasts. For some, like those with scars or tattoos, there may be something to their outward physical appearance that may tell you something about the life they have lived, the struggles they have faced, or their sins. For others, because there are no outward physical signs, their past may be less easily observed by others. But that does not make someone with an outwardly visible history any less or any more than someone with an invisible past. Which is why it is God's job to judge, and not man's. Though clearly we need laws that can be enforced by man.. I would argue that it is possible for someone sitting in prison to have committed the same amount of sin or mistakes as someone sitting at home, deemed by man to be an upstanding citizen.

And, I think both parties can feel similar perspectives depending on their personality. Perhaps some with outward signs would prefer that they were not so easily observable to others so that they could not be judged for decisions made long ago. And perhaps some people prefer their pasts to be seen. And perhaps those with invisible pasts or sins would prefer there was something observable about their trials so they could more easily ask for help and seek understanding.. and there are certainly those who are glad that they can hide. Depends on where we are in life.

For the most part I qualify in that "invisible" category for which I have been both glad and frustrated. Glad because I fear being labeled. Frustrated because I feel a lack of understanding or empathy sometimes I wish I could have from others. Which I suppose is silly since as I just inferred above, I have already said that either way, God is the only one truly able to provide us with that perfect empathy and understanding. For the most part I have been feeling lately that I need to do a better job of not letting the past interfere with the present which is difficult... We all get that. The past is part of what shapes who we are, but of course, we and the Lord get some say in how we let it mold us. And in some ways the past is still affecting me in real and present ways that I have to deal with and can't ignore. I suppose in some ways I think I just haven't finished that molding process yet so I'm just not quite ready to let it go. And sometimes I worry if I'll ever be able to let some things go.. But regardless of other factors, I also think I need to worry less about getting the acceptance of people (sometimes myself included) which is sometimes a concern, and just be grateful for the Lord's acceptance of me.

However.. I must say that from time to time I think that the Lord sends us people for very specific reasons (and some people, for less specific reasons)... A few years ago, I was just beginning a very specific struggle and felt very very trapped by stigma. I was at work one afternoon and the prompting hit me to talk about it with this one girl. I had to stop and consider it for a moment because I was the manager. It seemed like an inappropriate conversation to have with someone I was in a position of authority over, and we certainly didn't have the level of friendship I would generally require prior to having that particular conversation, and of course there was something weird about it taking place at work period. But I felt oddly at peace about it and the prompting persisted. And so I went ahead and brought it up. As I recall, the conversation flowed amazingly smooth.. and she hardly skipped a beat. I made a sarcastic comment afterwards about how it was a weird thing to know about your boss, and I will always remember her response. "If anything, it makes you seem more human." I will always remember that, and I think I needed that answer in my life. I need to remember it more often. I needed to hear such a simple and undeniable, clearly unfeignable and genuine response that said "I can accept you as you are" regardless of whatever expectations she might have had for who I was. I need to have faith that that kind of response is plausible. We all have trials, and they are unique to each of us.. and perhaps some of them have more stigma around them than others, but at the end of the day, they all just make us human.

And nobody can judge, whether the trials of others are outward or inward because regardless, it will always be impossible to know people as well and as deeply as God understands us. I have certainly come to the conclusion by now that He understands me and my choices and struggles a heck of a lot better than I do. And I certainly know He has a better understanding of the mold he wishes to see me fill.

Stigma sucks. I wish we could tear it down. I wish we could trust people to accept us--the full, 3D, live and in color us, not just the filtered, abbreviated us. I wish I could better trust people to accept me.

But, even for people whose lives may have a more obvious, physical outward history to them... there will always be that invisible factor to people that we can't see. The outward things we can see are only a hint to what they have experienced. They say nothing of who they have become because of those things.

Anxiety Diffusion, The Happiness Trap, and Trusting in God

I started a blog about balance but to borrow a phrase from a friend, it was coming out as complete and utter "word salad." There's always been this idea out there... that people say we need balance in our lives. Not too much work, not too much play etc. And I've never really thought of it much beyond that. The realization that I came to was that it's not just the overt activities in our lives that need balance, but it's also the inner workings of our minds. Not too much happy, or we won't appreciate it, not too much sad or we might not endure it, etc. Not too much focus on pleasing others, not too much focus on pleasing ourselves.. Not too much worry about being perfect, and not too much complacency in where we are. Not too much pride, not too much self-deprecation. Let's not argue about semantics... let's just acknowledge that it's complicated and I can't fully explain ;)

It reminds me of a book I've been reading actually, called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I won't go trying to find exact quotes right now... but he talks about the idea that we seem to think that we need to be happy. He talks about the myth that we all seem to think that we need to be happy all the time, and if we're not, there's something wrong with us. When in truth, nobody is happy all the time, and the other emotions have just as much a valid and rightful place in our lives. We need those emotions to be balanced. Granted, we don't have to dwell on them, but you can't ignore them or wish them away either. The much faster way to dealing with it is to acknowledge what you're experiencing and then move on. But that acknowledgement has to come first. I love his chapters on anxiety. Trust me when I say that there's a fair amount of time that I have walked around repeating phrases in my head like "I'm having the thought that I'm feeling anxious" or "I'm having the thought that I said something dumb" or "I'm having the thought that that person doesn't really care about me" or "I'm having the thought that I'm not worth very much" etc etc. And as dumb as it sounds... just repeating the phrase in my head helps me acknowledge it, accept it, and move on instead of having the feeling on constant replay all day long. And instead of believing them as hard written facts. There's a fantastic analogy he makes that my therapist brought up with me once. The idea is that our "thinking self" is like a radio constantly playing in the background going on and on about all the negative Nancy things we could possibly think about our past, present, future. Occasionally something cheerful of course, but less often than we'd like. So, if we're totally tuned in to this radio, believing everything it says, we're basically guaranteed misery. And, to top it all off, this radio doesn't have an off button! And if we try to turn it off, it seems to get louder and louder (the same way ignoring our problems often seems to magnify them) You understanding the analogy?  (it's found on pages 65-67 of his book if you're curious for all the deets, it's really quite good). Anyway, he continues on to say, that the alternative is similar to when you're listening to the TV, or listening to music, but if someone were to ask you what was just said, you'd have no clue because you weren't really listening. Diffusion (the "I'm having the thought that I am..." statements I gave examples of earlier) is just that. You're acknowledging the thought, and then letting it go, and getting back to what you were doing. Letting the thoughts come and go works so much more effectively than purposefully trying to block them out and letting them bother you. Let me testify to that! Anyway, this seems to have been a bit of a tangent, but, that's okay, I hope you'll see the connection by the end and everything will make sense.

I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, and I won't try to cover them all, but bear with me for a moment while I go on one more tangent. Someone recently talked to me about the idea that people who have struggled with addictions, often find that they can tend to follow a similar trend in other areas of their lives as well. Addictive behavior as a pattern in their lives so to speak. And it stood out to me as something I needed to consider. It reminds me a lot of that radio analogy. The idea being that a lot of people who struggle with addictions have some kind of pain or issue in their life that they're avoiding, or simply don't know how to deal with, and there's a whole dang lot of stigma attached to what they're experiencing. And that struggle, and that stigma make you really really want to turn that stupid radio off! Like you become addicted to trying to turn it off. That becomes the habit. But doing that just makes it worse.

And in thinking about it, I managed to acknowledge something on Monday that relates to my ability to develop relationships and engage in healthy conversation... and just general anxiety about whether or not other people actually have a desire to reciprocate in relationships with me (which is probably why I would pinpoint words of affirmation as one of my love languages that I don't often admit to, even to myself, but, it definitely helps to ease my anxieties. Probably one of the best things someone has said to me in the last few months was long the lines of "Don't worry, I still want to be your friend" not that that has stopped me from having plenty of anxiety about it since then. But in that moment, it was fantastically comforting and felt like an act of love)... Anyway, I decided to turn my phone off for most of the day on Monday so I could distance myself from part of the problem and just live in the moment with my kids for the day. It took several hours, but eventually I was able to feel distanced from it enough to stop feeling so anxious, and I was able to enjoy at least part of the day with my family.

And I can't begin to express how helpful that has been since then. It's helped me identify a few areas in which I need to be better about frequently using those diffusion phrases in i.e. "I'm having the thought that...." (again, the idea being that by phrasing it that way, you are acknowledging that it is JUST a thought, instead of accepting the thought as fact, therefore distancing yourself from it and allowing it to dissipate naturally). And that diffusion from that particular anxiety has continued. That doesn't mean I don't still think unhelpful thoughts about negative things... but it hasn't been controlling my actions, or my thoughts so much, because I've been able to let them go. And THAT my friends feels so much more like "old Emily." One of the things that I told my therapist early on was that part of what I hated about the anxiety was that it made me feel not like me. I've spent most of my life being proud of the fact that I could hardly care less what other people thought of me, and I didn't waste time on fake personas to appease certain crowds of people... I was just me, all the time. And I loved that about me. And so, to worry that people don't want to know me or spend time with me, or won't want to spend time with me if they know more about me... really irks me, and makes it really hard not to dislike myself, making it even harder to believe that someone else might like me.

Anyway... because of this diffusion that I have experienced for the week... I've been able to see how much fear has stopped me from being a better friend to people these last few years. How much my self-seeking for understanding has forced me to focus on my past and the negatives of my life way too much. One of the initial reasons that came up from my therapist as why the church's Addiction Recovery Program might help me.. was because I needed help in forging my own identity separate from how I believed that others perceived me. I saw a meme the other day that said something along the lines of "The first thought that comes in to your head is what society has taught you. The second thought is the one that defines who you are" And in some things, it has been hard to see myself beyond what society has taught me. And my inability to submit to God's will, and trust in him, has been making that part of the recovery process difficult. But because of someone else's inspiration for me in the last few weeks, I have been forced to consider the benefits for others in addition to myself, in submitting to the will of Heavenly Father. And, as always, how I can benefit others has always been a bit more motivating to me than my own personal benefits. But it has been helpful to see the two in conjoint... with a small window to what God sees in me, and not just society or myself.. and the responsibility I have to live up to God's will for me as best I can.

So, there's where the balance part came in. I needed (and still need) to improve my inner balance. The algorithm for allocating the appropriate ratios of time into each of the things that come into my mind during the day. And... one of the thoughts that came to me during General Conference was that [part] of the cure for anxiety is trusting in the Lord. Because yeah.. some things are still going to be scary, or make me sad, or disappoint, but regardless of whatever consequences may come because of my actions, I have to be willing to be me, and engage fully, and do whatever the Lord asks of me, because if I'm trusting in Him, then I have to acknowledge that the final result will be worth whatever sacrifice of comfort was required of me. And, for that, I am grateful. And I hope I'm able to start doing a better job of implementing that. Forgive me while I stumble through it ;)

The Wrong Audience

One of the most unfortunate things about waking up with your toddler in the middle of the night? When you're awake just long enough that your brain turns back on and you have trouble turning it back off. Well, I process things best when being able to talk about them, but when the opportunity isn't ripe for such a thing (such as everyone being asleep or the setting for a vulnerable conversation isn't quite right)... my go to second option is writing, so here I am. Though I'm not necessarily going to broach what's on my mind right now, this is what struck me to write about for now.

I think one of the worst questions I have ever asked myself was who my audience was when writing journal entries. It was early in middle school when I first started writing in a journal that I decided that my audience was likely my future children or grandchildren. Which to some extent is helpful I think because it gave me some purpose for journal writing, or atleast I thought it did. I felt like it gave me a sense of purpose in the sense that perhaps I could help someone even after I died on the off chance that my progenitors had similar life experiences and could learn or find comfort in the ups and downs of my experiences.

However, what I have found is that it sometimes makes it very difficult for me to journal. I find myself feeling self conscious, not wanting to share things that I find very personal, not sure if I want them recorded in history, not sure if I want someone seeing how utterly dumb and anxiety-ridden my thoughts can be. Which I know is somewhat dumb since I acknowledge that to some extent sharing those things might be the very reason someone might connect with me through reading my journal and potentially find comfort in it. But I tend to think of people's experiences being more akin to my husband's reactions when he reads the whiney thoughts of characters in fiction novels. Annoyed disrespect and impatience. Good thing he loves me and can put up with my anxiety-ridden thoughts when I end up sharing them ;)

Which is why I started my "burn journal" as I like to call it. It's a separate journal for writing all my thoughts and feelings when I need help processing. I write in it with no audience in mind except God on occasion, or myself. And it's not a book meant to last like my usual leather bound journals so I can burn it one day if I so choose ;) The problem becomes that sometimes I need those journaling moments most during the day and my kids seem to hate when I attempt to read or write. My daughter even comes over and starts shutting the journal on me saying "all done!" Some days I have to insist because getting the feelings out can make it easier for me to be a better, more patient mommy, which is better for everyone ;) But it can be easy to forget to take that needed time for myself even when it would be better for everyone involved if I did so.

I heard someone say recently that they believed people who struggle with addiction sometimes have a somewhat addictive personality. In that they are more likely to engage in several addictive behaviors even outside of their identified addiction. And boy did that strike me! I can't nor will I be able to explain in this forum but suffice it to say.. I think sometimes I behave that way when it comes to my interactions with people. I feel somewhat stuck in some sense as to how I tend to communicate with people. It's a formula that doesn't always work very well and can be awkward at times. But I seem to experience a sense of need for it.. and it's hard for me to accept an alternative.  Sometimes writing is the best poopy alternative I can find. Anyway, like I said, I really can't explain it here.. that is just one of the reasons why that statement struck me!

Anyway.. here's hoping I can get back to sleep now!

Conversion

I have often considered the examples of Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon as some of the most human, and relatable characters in the book. As a kid I thought about them just like everybody else did... they were dumb, they were argumentative, they were violent, they were disobedient, they lacked faith, they were wicked, whatever adjective suits your fancy. But I had a lesson one time, that finally changed my perspective. Someone stopped to describe them in a different light. One of the biggest problems listed against Laman and Lemuel is that they murmur constantly, right? But let's be honest, how many of us wouldn't murmur about some of the trials they faced were we in their shoes? How many of us haven't murmured when being faced with our own trials. Even when we have been flocked with amazing blessings on the left and on the right, we often seem to concentrate most on what is hard. So, can any of us really fault them for murmuring? How many of us have never rebelled? 

And then you think... but they saw an ANGEL! And still were not able to believe? I think that's wrong. I think they knew, without a doubt. They had absolute certainty there was a God. There was not a single doubt in their mind to that effect. Someone related it once to the parable of the ten virgins. If the lamp is a testimony, and the oil is conversion... Well, someone can give you a lamp. We can rely on the testimonies of our parents or our friends. We can see angels, and mighty miracles. We can know of a certainty that there is a God, that His gospel contains the most truths we can find on this earth. But there is a difference between knowing God exists, knowing His gospel is true, and being converted. And nobody can give you conversion. And what use is the testimony without that conversion?  It is the oil that gives the lamp it's intended function. Not having that oil certainly does not mean that our lives cannot have purpose. It only means that they cannot have the purpose God intended.

What is conversion then? Google tells us that it means to "cause to change in form, character, or function." So, the issue then, is not that Laman and Lemuel did not have a testimony. The issue is that they did not allow that testimony to change them, to affect their purpose in life, to affect their character. Reminds me of the original witnesses of the Book of Mormon. Many of them fell away from the church, but were quoted saying they could never deny the Book of Mormon. Why could they not deny it, if they knew it existed, knew it contained truth? Because they were unable to let that knowledge change and direct their identity and purpose.

This is something I relate to wholeheartedly. I decided years ago that I knew the gospel was true. I felt that even if I left the church, I would never be able to deny that I knew the gospel was true. And I had to acknowledge that it would be mighty dumb of me to leave if I knew it was true, despite whatever doubts I may have. But whether or not I have experienced true conversion feels like a pickle of a question. The definition helps in this respect, because without it, conversion feels a bit abstract, at least to me! But with the definition, it provides a few questions. Have I allowed my testimony to change me? my character? my function? I would probably say yes to some, but not necessarily all of those questions. And even to those I said yes to... have I done it to my full potential, or even half of it? Probably not. And, have I made those changes out of my own genuine, intrinsic motivation to follow, grow closer to, and become more like God? Or have I merely acted through the motions out of a sense of duty or guilt? I suppose the important distinction there is whether you have allowed the gospel to AFFECT you, your character, your function... or have you allowed it to truly CHANGE you. I would argue that there is a difference.

I think this guy is a fabulous example. In going through the Addiction Recovery Program, he had allowed its principles to affect his life for good. But he realized that he had yet to ask for conversion, for a change in his character. And gosh, I think that takes amazing faith, to feel prepared to be changed, to feel God can change you. I often think it's all on me, I have to make all the changes. And it's hard to conceive that help can be given for that.

These days when I attend the Addiction Recovery Meetings, it has been hard for me to know where my focus is. In some respects I feel like I'm stuck at step 3. And in other respects I feel like I'm stuck at step 4. But then part of me feels like I've done at least most of step 5. But I can't have completed step 5 if I haven't finished step 4. It's a tad confusing. But last night I went through the first 6 steps and watched the videos attached to each step. And while several of them (especially Step 4) struck a chord, what I felt most prompted to act on, was step 6 (the video above). Having a testimony can't be enough. I've always known it wasn't enough. A testimony is what I could do and learn on my own... and now it's about what I can't do on my own.

Normalizing

I have really loved being able to feel like I can write these blogs about depression, anxiety, shame, and my inner struggle with spirituality. I came to the conclusion the other day, that the antidepressants helped a lot with my depression (duh). But therapy is what helped the most when it came to anxiety and shame. And now that I'm mostly back to not seeing my therapist (again)... I have been so appreciative for this blog and the ability to let things out instead of bottling them up. And the ability to talk about it has acted as a way to continue the positive path I've been on regarding shame. The other day, I posted on Facebook about attending the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program meetings for the last few months, and it was one of those moments where I sort of shocked myself. I had had absolutely no intention of talking about that on social media (or on my blog for that matter, at least not yet)... but for whatever reason, I felt prompted to do so when reading that particular chapter from the ARP manual (Step 11 in case you were curious). Part of me wonders how much of that decision was because of a spiritual prompting, and how much of it was because it was less scary to do because talking about these sorts of things has made it feel like less of a vulnerable subject (though it certainly still seems pretty vulnerable).

I have a few friends with varying degrees of experience with mental health concerns, and I have so appreciated their posts (and conversations I have had) lately regarding life with mental health issues/addictions. It's a bit like ARP, but with people I actually know! Having the chance to hear other people talking about some of the alterations they have had to make to their life or routine, makes me feel better about having to do some of those things from time to time. Normalization is good. I hope my blog serves the same purpose for others in normalizing. I've been hoping for a way recently that I can be of more service to people instead of feeling like a burden, to switch up my role in relationships more, in that regard. Someone asked me the other day what I do to feel like myself. And my blog is something that I didn't consider at the time, partially I guess because I don't do it every day, but really, it is something that I find extremely fulfilling, and I'm grateful I have. I'm just so much better at expressing myself in writing than I am out loud, and it is certainly cathartic. But I will definitely acknowledge that having conversations face to face can be WAY better, and WAY more fulfilling just because there is something absolutely unique and powerful about connecting to another human being by having a vulnerable or personally intimate conversation. I love that. It's something I crave to some extent. But, sometimes that's out of my control, and that's something I have to get used to. 

So, thank you, to all who have been a part of this journey, especially regarding my most vulnerable truths and fears.. and for treating me the same as you always have, despite whatever changes have occurred in your perception of me. Goodness knows that losing the respect and friendship of those closest to me is one of my greatest fears.

When Loved Ones Trust in The Atonement

I had an experience this week that made me think back to the "Senior Capstone" class at BYU Idaho. The point of the class was essentially supposed to be an exercise in decision making to prepare us for the real world, kind of thing. Each week we were presented with a new, controversial case and you'd have to write a paper explaining why you picked choice A or choice B. Some of them were easy and some of them definitely did not feel black and white. I don't remember the specifics of this particular case anymore but it must have been related to pornography. What I do remember was what happened during the discussion day when we were discussing it in class. There was a girl in our class who spoke up and said that if she found out that her boyfriend or fiancé had at one point been addicted to pornography, then she would break up with him no questions asked. And I remember thinking that was really really sad, and realistically didn't bode well for her future. To be fair... I don't know how old she was and perhaps by now she has wised up (not that age necessarily has anything to do with maturity).. but as prevalent as pornography is these days.. there's a pretty large percentage of the population, even among "good Christian folk" who struggle at one point or another with pornography (or drugs or alcohol or what have you). Saying you'll never date or marry a guy who's ever struggled with pornography or addiction in general definitely limits your dating pool. Not that it's bad to have high standards.. and in her position (especially since she wasn't married yet and since it's a hypothetical situation with little details anyway), if she didn't feel able to be a supportive future spouse for someone with that weakness then perhaps it would be better for them both not to be in a relationship with each other.. Especially if you're assuming the temptation is ongoing and not totally "in the past." But I'll tell you what really bothered me about the implications of that standpoint..

What it said to me was that she didn't have a real solid testimony of the atonement. She was denying the possibility that the atonement could totally absolve him of that past sin, and that it would be a permanent mark upon his character..  Now, I will acknowledge that addictions can create a weakness that may require your spouse to serve as a support in that area.. If your spouse is aware of that weakness they can help you avoid things that may act as triggers or things like that.. But to say that it is a permanent mark upon their character or that it makes them less valuable as a significant other is certainly not fair. Each of us are tempted by different things in life and it is being confronted by those struggles that teaches us what we need to learn and helps us grow stronger. In some things we are awesome and choose "no!" from  the very beginning, and in other things we falter. But no matter how  long it takes us to learn the lesson, we can still learn it. Doesn't matter how many times we mess up.. Learning the lesson is what mattered. Heavenly Father can still make our weaknesses be our strengths. Our experiences give us unique perspective that are meant to put us into the correct position in order to better serve specific people in our lives. And THAT is sacred, and awesome.

Today in church we were talking about how there are an awful lot of people who have faith in Christ... But what a lot of people seem to struggle with is believing that Christ's promises apply to them, and not just everybody else. I recently heard someone say that while they could believe Christ would forgive them.. they were afraid they wouldn't be able to find a spouse that was equally capable of believing Christ had forgiven them for their mistakes. Boy did that resonate with me! I have certainly struggled in life with believing that Christ's promises would truly apply to me, that I could be forgiven by Him.. And when I finally started to feel like I could be forgiven by Him, it seemed absolutely impossible that people around me--friends, family, my husband.. could believe so fully in the atonement as to treat me the same if they found out my flaws that had required repentance. And it has been an absolutely powerful, wonderful experience to witness that love and acceptance and forgiveness from people, especially my husband. Even if I do still experience some anxiety about the thoroughness of that acceptance and forgiveness, I am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

What was sweet this week was hearing someone recount of the support they had experienced from their spouse during struggles with temptation... And I felt such an immediate love and respect for their spouse for being able to be so supportive and forgiving. It immediately shouted to me, the level of their character and their testimony in the atonement! I wanted so badly to be able to talk to them and express that respect... and attempt to explain the level of gratitude that their spouse must feel.. And how beautiful and sacred it is to me, to be able to view them in that light... but for now, the circumstances don't allow that conversation to happen, and realistically, words can't sufficiently express my thoughts on the matter. Still, maybe one day I'll get the chance. For now, this will have to do! I think it was also helpful that given what I know about said spouse, I totally believe them capable of such a wonderful testimony of the atonement, and being the objective third-party on looker in a situation.. made it feel more real I guess that it was possible in my own life.

Moral of the story though.. is that the Lord can forgive us. Each of us, not just everybody else. And while people may not forgive as perfectly as the Lord, making it difficult for us to fully comprehend His forgiving abilities... people can be pretty awesome too. And while addictions, or temptations or trials or traumatic experiences suck, and can remain in our memory our whole lives... they can be just a memory. They don't have to be actively part of our daily life affecting our daily choices as struggles. Utilizing the atonement means asking the Lord for His help in carrying our burdens, and let's be honest.. the Lord is pretty buff and does a lot more of the work than we do, so long as we ask.

When Weak Things Become Strong

I saw an interesting blog the other day that was about a girl who felt as though it took leaving her Faith to find her faith. She felt as though her spirit had been broken, trying to fit a mold she just didn't fit. She believed the gospel, but felt unaccepted for her differences from the ideal, perfect woman in her religion. Really the story just made me sad for her experiences. It is a shame when people reject others because of their differences, or because their life took a turn perhaps others don't understand. She felt like she was most able to find her faith when she was able to break out of the expectation of fitting the mold. Which I think makes sense. While perhaps it wasn't her exact message, to me it sounded as though she felt like she had been utilizing her blog to talk about keeping strong with the faith when in reality she felt a bit like she was drowning. I have felt that worry I think when I do occasionally post things of a religious nature because I don't want people to get an inflated idea of who I am. I don't mean to misrepresent my strengths so to speak.

The reality I think we forget when reading the words of others that these things are on their mind for a reason. Often, I think, because that has been the very area in which they have been struggling. Often in life I have considered the passage of scripture:

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I suppose I have thought this to mean that we are able to turn our weaknesses, trials, struggles into our strengths because they help us turn to the Lord and the Lord then makes us strong. Which I think is true. But the flaw in my reasoning I think, is that I was thinking about it a bit like... learning to ride a bike. That it became permanent trait/skill. Once you learn, you don't forget. Perhaps you can get a bit rusty, lose the ability to perform tricks (if you were ever that cool) but you don't forget the basics of how to ride. And I had a hard time imagining my weaknesses becoming strengths that were that well ingrained in my soul. Or at least, I didn't feel like I had ever really witnessed it happen in myself.

But I think it doesn't just have to be thought of in that way. I think it applies on a much more temporary level too. In that moment when we are feeling weak, like we are overwhelmed or drowning, we often turn to the Lord. And the Lord can help us find the strength we need through talks on Sunday, wise words from friends, words from the scriptures, or through our own quiet contemplation in prayer. In the moment that we have that "Ah Ha" moment that buoys us up, our weakness has been strengthened. So it makes sense that things we feel the most unqualified to discuss in the gospel because of our own failings, may be things that we are able to find wisdom in, because it is not we who have found that strength, but the Lord who has given it to us. And obviously, He's pretty awesome in that category, when we but ask for his aid.

I think the issue then becomes that it is so easy to lose that humility that turned us toward the Lord. We can forget how much we needed him in that hour of need. And that may allow time to slowly degrade that strength back into a weakness again. And sometimes I think, we only need those strengths for a certain time or season, much like the blessings missionaries receive that may only last while they are out serving.

The calling I currently have at church has me going to a meeting every Thursday with the missionaries in our ward. The first several times attending these meetings I sort of felt overwhelmed. Not necessarily during the meeting because it is easy enough to sit in a chair and listen to other, wiser, more involved people chat back and forth, and perhaps make the occasional quip. But I certainly felt extremely unqualified. How could I brainstorm ideas to help people who were trying to find the gospel when I myself felt a bit like I was drowning? And the people there, especially my female counterpart just seemed so on top of things, dedicated, sincere, willing and happy to serve. Now, I'm not generally one for comparisons, so it's not that this observation was what was making me feel down on myself, just... life circumstances. It seemed a bit like that was the expectation, and I felt incapable of living up to that necessarily. Now, I don't know that at this point in my life I would try to argue that I am any more capable or qualified, or ready to magnify that calling... but I feel less like I am drowning, and more like I am swimming towards... something. So, it's less daunting at any rate. And the focus I have right now on deflating any self-shaming helps me feel less disappointed in where I am even if it does fall far below that of those around me.

The journey I have been on has been interesting because there have been those around me that have applauded the progress I've made... But I suppose I think that the applause goes more to the Lord than to myself. Because I'm not making these changes. I'm not making this progress. It's the Lord that's giving it to me as I attempt to turn aspects of my life over to him. It is not my strength, but His. I feel... dishonest I suppose, in a sense, when people praise my strength... because I do not think it is mine. Anyway.. moral of the story I suppose is that... we don't have to fit within the mold to find the strength the Lord wants us to have. Hopefully some of that made sense ;)

#MormonAndGay

My Facebook feed has fairly recently been filling up with this hashtag. Not overwhelmingly so, but it's there. I didn't learn until today that it wasn't just some separate group of Mormons that was instigating this. Instead, there's a legitimate link connected to lds.org that is dedicated to this subject:

https://mormonandgay.lds.org/

I'm not entirely sure how to best describe my thoughts on this subject without things getting too personal for me. But aside from any personal feelings I may have on the matter.. I think most of us recognize this is a sensitive issue. Most of us in this day and age have probably known someone, even if they weren't a Mormon someone, who identified as gay, lesbian or bi-sexual etc. I have also come across members of the church who identify, or have identified as experiencing same-sex attraction. We love these people. And no one wishes sadness or hardship on those they love. I should make one thing absolutely clear. No struggle in this life, regardless of any one person's opinions of said struggle, qualifies a person for being hated or abused or disliked or anything of the kind. Each of us experiences trials uniquely suited for our personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etc... and are designed to help us build the tools Heavenly Father needs us to have to be of the most use to Him. It's up to us to figure out what we are supposed to learn, and how we can best utilize the lessons we have learned in order to bring people to Christ.

That being said, I think the idea that society should accept any or all inclinations as "normal" or "okay" is naive regardless of whether or not people are born that way or whether it is due to their experiences and choices in life. Take pedophilia for example. For the most part, we as a society, do not accept this as acceptable behavior. We deem children to be unable to protect themselves, unable to carry the weight of sexual activity, and therefore unfit to make such decisions or engage in such relationships. If that opinion were to change, then there would be no reason, under the current political atmosphere, for sexual relationships between an adult and a child to be prohibited. As it is, it's probably a little shaky anyway since we already have policies in place to try children as adults for serious crimes committed. Gut reaction? That'll never happen. But, you know what... people criticized the LDS Church for not supporting the Equal Rights Act despite the fact that the Church teaches that men and women are equal. The Church's issue was not with giving women more rights, the issue was the holes and connotations of the Act that would allow other things it would not support such as co-ed bathrooms, or forcing women to join the draft. Everyone said "that will never be an issue" "that's ridiculous" and I remember thinking the same thing when I learned about it myself. But look where we are today...

Now, I know it seems rather unfair to compare gays to pedophiles, and I do not mean any offense by that. Like I said, all struggles are legitimate. I do not believe that experiencing an attraction to children makes someone a terrible person. That person wants to feel love, give love, be loved, just like anyone else. And often those feelings are a symptom of their own life experiences. And Heavenly Father understands how our experiences effect our bodies and our minds better than any of us do. Just because they feel like that love can only be experienced with a child, does not make their feelings illegitimate, and it does not make them a terrible person. Acting on it is what is wrong. And I feel sorry for any person who struggles with something they find contrary to their personal values. What makes it wrong is that children are in fact, not ready to carry the weight of those kinds of relationships, and, of course, I do not believe Heavenly Father approves of any relationship that limits spiritual or personal growth. Regardless of the attraction or temptation, we cannot just accept it in order to avoid offending someone. You may say that they can never be happy if we do not make them feel comfortable in the lifestyle they are inclined to follow, and they should have the same rights and chances to be happy as anyone else, but we simply cannot, and do not make laws based on that idea. I may be inclined to steal in order to be "happy" but that doesn't mean it should be legal. I may be inclined to kill people, but that doesn't make it right or legal. Perhaps I feel like I cannot experience joy without hurting people, that still doesn't make it right. It doesn't matter if it's between "consenting individuals." We do not accept this excuse in any other circumstance, but for some reason, we have applied it to the gay narrative. I understand the argument, and I feel the pain of knowing someone may not be able to express their love. That is truly saddening. I have worn those shoes, struggling with things contrary to my values, and it sucks. But it doesn't make them right.

When I first began researching the Church's stance on same-sex attraction back in high school, I was so incredibly glad to find that the Church agreed with this notion that no struggle makes someone inherently unworthy of gospel blessings. The church does not support any extra-marital sexual relationships. Doesn't matter if you're straight or gay. Many people argue that that stance should not prevent the church from supporting gay marriage. But, the fact of the matter is, one of our primary beliefs is that there are spirits waiting in Heaven to be born. And they cannot have the blessings of celestial glory, experience the joy of life, or family, experience personal growth, or gain the experience of finding and choosing Christ on this earth.. without a body. A body is required for growth. And the fact of the matter is that homosexual relationships cannot fulfill that sacred responsibility to create life. Therefore, they are contrary to the plan of God. The fact of the matter remains that we were not sent to this earth just to experience joy and intimacy. We were sent here to learn, to create life, and to grow closer to God. And if homosexual relationships are contrary to God's plan, we cannot grow closer to him by choosing a life contrary to His plan. We cannot grow to be the greatest tool in His hands if we are not striving to fulfill his plan for our lives. Consider for a moment the concept that all our trials and struggles, whether physical, mental, emotional, situational... they'll all disappear in the "next life." If same-sex attraction is nothing more than one of those struggles and it all just disappears... Wouldn't it be sad if that had been one of your primary focuses on identity and growth, and then it was all just stripped away? There are other things, than just our sexuality, regardless of your sexuality, that should be prioritized in life. Helping people come to Christ is one of them.

I will certainly never argue that it is fair. The notion that someone may go through life feeling unable to connect with someone in that special way regardless of the reason, whether it be because they never get married, because they feel an attraction they cannot act on, whatever the reason... that sucks. But life isn't fair for any of us. We all experience things in life that aren't "fair." We all experience things we wish we could change but cannot. That does not make any of us entitled to anything. We are not entitled to "fairness." That does not mean we cannot find joy. Plenty of people never get married. Plenty of people never get what they want. That does not mean we cannot overcome our trials even if they continue to taunt us our entire lives. We are stronger than that. We are more creative than that. Plenty of people go through sucky life experiences, growing up in orphanages and foster care, or being abused in childhood and/or adulthood, or even simply being a woman among chauvinists, or a minority surrounded by racists. The effects of those trials may never leave those people. They may be haunted by them the rest of their lives. But that does not mean they cannot experience joy. Obviously we should do all we can to limit those kinds of things from happening to people, which you may argue is cause to support gay marriage, but like I said... our experiences help us grow to be the tools God needs, and our choices are meant to be ones that align with God's plan. Take away the struggle and perhaps you are taking away that opportunity for growth. No matter our struggles, we are all children of God. We have divine potential. We are loved. In short, we are all awesome. And the beauty of the atonement is that Jesus experienced all pain and temptation. He understands, and knows we can endure. Because he knows just exactly what our potential is. He knows exactly how awesome you are. Trust in that.

Now, on a more relevant note regarding the hashtag, #MormonAndGay... I wonder how many people are wondering how this relates to the comment Elder Bednar made a while back about how there are no gay Mormons. I thought I'd clarify this and talk on it for a moment. Realistically, this is one of those quotes that is taken out of context and has loads more meaning, and makes loads more sense when put in context. The full quote:

"I want to change the question–there are no homosexual members of the Church. We are not defined by sexual attraction. We are not defined by sexual behavior. We are sons and daughters of God and all of us have different challenges in the flesh. . . . Simply being attracted to someone of the same gender is not a sin."

Elder Bednar is by no means attempting to argue that there are no members who experience same-sex attraction. Far from it. He is merely attempting to change the narrative. What he is arguing is that our sexual preference should not be something we consider paramount to our personal identity. I do not consider my attraction toward brunettes as part of my identity. I do not include my love of chocolate as part of my identity. No matter how high on my list of priorities it may be, that still doesn't mean it is part of my identity. I would be considered a strange one indeed if in every introduction I declared my love of cheese as being one of the top things you needed to know about me. Even more "normal" things, like a love of dogs, that very well may be something people include as something people should know about them... doesn't have to be part of their "identity." My identity is first and foremost, a child of God. I am a daughter, a woman, a wife, a mother, I am not my likes and dislikes. I am not my good and bad choices. I am not my trials or traumas. I am not my mental or physical illnesses. I am who I become because of those things. But I am not THEM. And only I can decide who I become because of those things. Thus why one of my favorite quotes is:

"We conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become."
-Dallin H. Oaks

This is why the church does not tell people who experience same-sex attraction to bite the bullet and marry someone of the opposite sex. Because it would be more miserable to pretend to be interested in something you're not, and unfair to the other person in that partnership, and "going through the motions" is not what our Heavenly Father wants from us. If someone first feels that they have overcome their same-sex attraction and feels they are able to experience heterosexual attraction, then yes, marriage is one of our primary goals as Latter-day saints. But that change is paramount, and not everyone may experience that change in this life. If you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan to show us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become, then you must believe that making choices congruent with that plan should be priority number one. I, for one, am interested in seeing the potential my Heavenly Father sees in me, and doing what I can to reach that potential, rather than focusing first on my personal pleasure.

I totally understand the difficulty in not tying one's sexual preferences into their identity. Society has taught us that it is, and it is easy to become a product of societal expectations and beliefs. Might I share the following quote from Elder Holland:

“You serve yourself poorly when you identify yourself primarily by your sexual feelings. That isn’t your only characteristic, so don’t give it disproportionate attention. You are first and foremost a son of God, and He loves you."

I think that is a wonderful way of putting it. Do not underestimate yourself, your identity, or your potential. We each have a thousand personal characteristics, the combination of which make us unique. Who we become because of those combinations are unique. But there is no reason to put one characteristic above the others. Do not give it disproportionate attention. Do not forget your other qualities. Don't forget that you have a hundred talents you could foster, a hundred passions. God did not put us down on earth to experience only sadness or only joy. We need both in our lives. The church is not necessarily trying to push people to forget the characteristic of experiencing same-sex attraction. Merely focus on the growth we can experience by cultivating our other traits. And remember, nobody's worth or value is lessened because of the struggles they experience or the mistakes that they make.

By no means, do I expect everyone and their dog to agree with me. By no means, do I expect that the world will ever accept this notion without divine intervention... By no means do I expect anyone's opinion to change who is not already on the fence. By no means do I intend to insult, hurt or slight anyone or their experiences. And I certainly do not intend to imply that mine is the only opinion that is valid. All I am saying... is that the ability to act on one's impulses is not a prerequisite for happiness... You CAN be gay, and Mormon, and live fully within the guidelines of gospel principles, and be HAPPY. I'm certainly not saying it isn't hard. Lot's of things are hard. But it is possible. And Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But he loves us enough not to encourage us to seek only temporary, earthly happiness. He wants us to seek eternal happiness. Eternity is a lot longer than just today. Plenty of us have been willing to eat our undesired vegetables in order to earn dessert. It may be hard to apply that to the grand scheme of things... but... hard things often have big rewards.

And, if you have made it to the end of this blog... you deserve dessert ;D Let me know if you ever need to cash in. If proximity allows, I'll certainly comply ;D Unless you're some random dude I don't know 😜